Nothing is all I feel right now.
No feeling.
No pain.
No emotion.
Nothing.
Even as the Black hawks score. Nothing.
Clutching the neck of my beer firmly, I tip the bottle and drain the dregs from the bottom. Shivers rack my body once more. After-affects from the sarcophagus, according to Fraiser.
Rising from my seated position on the sofa I shake it off. I walk round into the kitchen, open the fridge and grab my third bottle of beer. A voice pops into my head.
‘Now Colonel, if I release you do you promise to go home, take it easy and not drink with the medication your on?’
Yeah. Sure thing doc.
Flipping off the cap I take another long pull. Sure thing. Walking back into the hallway I pass the door, just as it’s knocked on. Just what I need, visitors. Beer. Hmm. I place the bottle behind the nearest pot plant just in case. The reflection in the mirror catches my eye. It’s tired, pale, and old. Most of all, it’s in pain. Physically and emotionally. The door rattles under the force of another knock. Dragging my eyes away from that reflection, I stare at the door handle for a moment before grasping it and opening the door.
In that moment I see a face I’ve seen a hundred times in the past week.
‘Hey Sir.’
‘Hi Carter.’
It’s awkward to say the least. I can tell she’s nervous. Her eyes are darting around, looking at anything but me.
‘Fraiser send you?’
‘Yeah.’ She meets my dull stare. ‘Can I come in?’
‘Yeah sure, why not?’ Yeah Jack, be flippant. That’s good.
She walks in slowly as I stand back and gesture with my arm for her to enter. She walks in the direction of the blaring TV, and takes a seat in an armchair opposite my sofa. Taking a deep breath I look away and close the door. I don’t know if I’m ready for this yet, but I guess it’s coming.
Letting go of the handle I turn round and retrieve my beer, then as casually as possible walk back into the living room and resume my position in front of the game.
‘Sir?’
‘Yeah?’
‘Beer?’
‘Sure, in the fridge.’
As I glance at her a brief smile touches her lips.
‘No sir, I mean you and beer. Janet would throw a fit.’
I alternate my glance between her and my bottle.
‘Yeah, ok.’
Leaning forward I deposit the bottle on the table between us, grabbing the remote and switching off the TV in the process.
‘So is that the only reason you’re here. To check up on me?’
‘No sir.’
‘Then what?’
More nervousness. She wrings her hands together for a moment then looks me dead in the eye.
‘I just wanted to talk to you. For you to talk you me.’
I knew that. Oh boy did I know.
‘I know you want to help Carter, but trust me, you cant.’
‘How do you know that?’
‘I just do.’
‘Not good enough,’ she replies with such strength that I look at her with almost a shocked expression. I lower my gaze to the table in front of me.
‘I’m not ready yet Carter. I may never be ready.’ I look up to her face. ‘Accept that.’
She just looks right back.
‘I can’t accept that sir. You can’t do this alone.’
OK, too close to the mark. I stand up and walk to the window, staring out at the autumn coloured trees being softly blown by the gentle breeze.
‘I’ve done it Carter. Now it’s back to the job. Back to normal. Nothing to say, plenty to do. You know the drill.’
‘Yes sir, I know the drill,’ she replies standing and walking to stand beside me at the window. ‘I know you’re drill. And its time you changed.’
I suck in a shallow breath and lean my head against the window pane.
‘I can’t change Carter. If there’s one thing you should know for certain about me, its that.’
I see her reflection in the glass turn and face me, and then it starts to speak.
‘I know a lot about you sir. I know you’re strong. And your brave, and that you never give up. But there’s one thing above all of that which I know for certain about you.’ I don’t know if it’s my weak body or mind that allows her to take my arm and turn me to face her, but it happens anyway.
‘I know you can change,’ she finishes in a voice barely above a whisper. ‘Sir,’ she almost pleads. ‘Let me in, please.’
Her eyes penetrate to my very soul. The soul that was so very nearly ripped apart. I look down at the floor.
‘I can’t Sam,’ I reply in nothing above a whisper.
‘Yes you can,’ she counters just as quietly. I close my eyes and shake my head over and over repeating the same thing.
‘I can’t, I can’t, I can’t…’
Before I know where I am, I’m in her arms. My head rests against her shoulder as her arms go around my neck and pull me even closer. I can feel one of her hands in my hair. She’s stroking it like you would a child’s. The comfort and contact of another person feels good to say the least.
‘Oh sir, what did he do to you?’ she asks gently, not really expecting a reply.
I dare to wrap my arms around her waist, and the dare is accepted. She holds me tighter, whispering in my ear gently. Telling me everything’s going to be OK, that she’s here for me.
After a little while, how long I’m not exactly sure, she releases her hold on me slightly, but only enough so that she can look me in the eye once more.
‘Come on’, she says quietly. I don’t reply. I just nod slowly and let her lead me back to the sofa. Once there she places her hands on my shoulders and encourages me to sit. Once I have done so she kneels in front of me, placing her hands on top of mine as they rest on my knees.
‘Jack,’ she coaxes. ‘Lie down.’
She reaches up and touches my face gently; giving me a reassuring smile that tells me she’ll be here when I wake up. That after the nightmares I won’t be alone.
And I believe her. I trust her. I’m incapable of smiling back right now, but I give her a nod to tell her it’s OK. Her smile gets a little bigger making her eyes shine in the darkness, like a light trying to find me. Running her hand down the stubble of my day old beard, she helps me to lie back lengthways on the soft, comfortable white sofa. For a moment she disappears from my view, but then she’s back, taking off my shoes and then places an afghan over me. Then the light appears back in my line of vision, telling me that she’ll be back later on to see how I’m doing, but a very big part of me doesn’t want that light to leave yet.
‘Stay.’
It’s quiet, but loud enough for her to hear and be swayed by.
‘OK’, she tells me softly. She goes back over to the window and retrieves a reasonably comfortable chair that is there. Bringing it back to the sofa, she places it down in front of me and takes her place in it. She covers one of my hands poking out from under the afghan with her own, squeezing gently.
‘Sleep now sir, for a little while. I’ll be here when you wake up.’
Just those words alone make me feel better. Knowing she’ll be there makes it all OK.
*
‘Daniel.’
The word escapes my lips just before I wake.
I was dreaming about when he was gone. When he said he’d come back, but he didn’t. He didn’t for a long time. So much and so little happened in that time.
Gradually I am pulled from my unconsciousness by her voice.
‘Sir?’
‘Carter?’ I ask groggily.
‘Yes sir. What were you saying about Daniel?’
Slowly I open my eyes to see her face looking straight at me. I don’t sit up; I just continue to look at her.
‘He was there.’
‘Daniel was?’
‘Yeah.’
She looks confused to say the least.
‘How?’
‘He was just…there.’ I reply stiffly, clamming up once more.
‘Jack, tell me,’ she pleads. ‘Please.’ There’s no way I can deny her. No way I would want to.
‘He tried to get me to ascend, so it would all stop. So Ba’al would stop.’
‘Daniel wanted you to ascend?’
‘Yeah. He said I was worth it, if I could just open my mind to the possibility.’
‘What did you say?’
‘I wasn’t worth it.’
Her eyes sadden at my comment, but she continues to listen.
‘I asked him to end it. Once and for all. I told him I couldn’t go through it again, and then I asked him to kill me.’
The sadness in her face is overtaken by shock and she doesn’t seem to know what to say.
‘You asked Daniel to kill you?’
‘Yeah.’
‘Why?’ she asks in disbelief. ‘You should have known that we were coming for you, it just took time.’
‘I knew you were coming Carter,’ I reassure her. ‘I knew you would come. But you have no idea, and I could never tell you what it was like. I just wanted it to be over.’
Our hands are still joined from when I first lay down on the sofa. She lowers herself off the chair and into a more comfortable position on the floor.
‘It’s over now Jack,’ she whispers to me. ‘You’re home now. And I know Daniel’s not here, but I am.’
Our eyes meet in what can only be described as a meaningful glance. Apart from it’s more than a glance. It tells her what I can’t say. How happy and grateful I am that she’s here. How much I miss Daniel. How much I want her to stay here with me. How much I need her to stay here with me…
Before I know where we are, the one thing which I want to happen most in the world is beginning to happen. The look we were giving each other has turned into something more. It’s turned into a need. A want. Our faces were pretty close together to start with but now it seems as if gravity needs them to be together fully. The mixture of emotions I read in her eyes is incredible. It’s fear and happiness. Sadness and want. Apprehension and desire.
I hope she’s reading the same in mine.
I lift and tilt my head slightly so as not to cause an embarrassing collision.
And then it’s just happening. Our eyes close just as I press my mouth gently against her soft lips.
I untangle our fingers so I can bring my hand up to caress her beautiful face. She uses hers to push me on my back and climb gently on top of me.
The kiss isn’t meant to be erotic. It’s a comfort, an admission.
My other hand has now been freed because of my altered position and I use them both to hold her in place over me. I use them to feel her, to make sure she’s still there and not just another one of Ba’al’s illusions. It’s her; she’s real. And it’s us.
After a good 5 minutes of non-stop, full on kissing, my need for oxygen overcomes me. I hate that. Reluctantly I gently end the kiss and open my eyes. All I can see is everything I’ve always wanted. She’s smiling at me. One of those first class smiles and I can’t help but return it.
God, her eyes are possibly one of the most incredible things I’ve seen.
Her face has a slightly flushed look about it and her hair is deliciously mused. Her hands caress my chest and shoulders in a way that sends wonderful shivers down my spine.
‘Wow,’ is the only word she seems able to manage right now, which to me is simply amazing.
‘I’d say so,’ I return with a flicker of a grin.
She shimmies down my body a little and then rest her head on my chest, holding me tightly around the waist.
‘I missed you,’ she says into my shirt.
‘I missed you too. More than I think anyone could imagine.’
I lay one arm across her back and bring my other hand up to rest in her hair.
We lie there together for hours, until it’s time to go to bed, which we then do together too.
It’s amazing really. A week ago, a day ago, even a few hours ago, all I could feel was emptiness. Nothing.
Now all I can feel is everything.
And it feels great.
***
Story Notes: OK…so my muse disappeared off on holiday for a while, and this one has been begging me to write it even since. So, I bought a new muse, broke him in, and here we go!! I think he’s been a fairly good boy, but why don’t you let me know what you think?! Oh…and good news!! This is the longest fic I have ever written!! YAY!! (That’s a big achievement for me – long fics give me the heebie geebies!!) Oh, and this is completely and utterly sappy in parts. I’m sorry!! It’s just when it started writing itself it refused to stop!!
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]