Please remember
Please remember
How we laughed, how we cried
How this world was yours and mine
We had a dream, we tried to reach
I stood by you and you stood by me,
Please remember
LeAnne Rhymes- Please remember
~*+*~
I can hear the scream echo through the hallways and I visibly jump, Janet still holding my arm to keep me from falling. I can practically feel the sedative flowing through my veins.
Another scream bounced off the walls and I flinch. Despite all of the pain and the agony behind those screams, I'd know that voice anywhere.
The colonel.
I ignore my tired muscles and run towards the room that we had set aside for Zaytarc testing, Janet hot on my heels. Flying around the corner, I watch as the colonel convulses in pain, pleading to Fre'ya to stop the procedure.
"Stop!" I yell, the panting making my words sound odd.
Fre'ya glances at us briefly, but turns back to watch the colonel clenching his muscles as the laser beam penetrates his eye and goes straight into his brain, trying to reach the supposed effected area.
"STOP!" I cry again and she finally complies, pressing a few buttons and the orange beam stops.
The colonel slumps forward in his chair, unconscious, the restraints are the only things that are still keeping him in the chair.
The room goes silent, for all of three seconds.
Teal'c hooks the Zat he was holding into the waistband of his pants and rushes to the colonel, undoing the restraints while he supports his body. Janet follows Teal'c's lead and starts checking the colonel's vital's and making sure that he's still breathing. Anise just blinks a lot- she seems to do that- and remains stationary.
I, on the other hand, let my eyes roll into the back of my head and I feel myself fall to the floor, the sedative finally taking effect.
~*+*~
I feel my body slowly come back into consciousness and I groan. "Welcome back to the land of the living." A very familiar voice comments quietly.
"Daniel?" I mutter, trying to pull myself into a sitting position using my sluggish limbs. My eyes, however, remain closed.
"Yeah it's me." He replies.
"Where am I?" I ask, my eyes finally fluttering open.
"Infirmary." He grins, pleased that it's not him laying in the bed for once with me sitting in the chair next to him.
Suddenly, the memories of how I got to be in here come flooding back to me. "Is the colonel alright?" I ask, slightly frantic. Breathe Sam, breathe.
"He's aright. Janet said that there wasn't any obvious damage done, but she won't know until he wakes up. He's still unconscious. . .but that's better than what happened with Lt Aster." His gaze flickers to his hands, if only briefly. Aster and Daniel were close, they both shared a passion for Egypt, which drew them together.
"Any theories on when he'll wake up?"
Daniel takes a long breath before replying. "Not sure really, Janet thought that you'd be out of it for another few hours." He shrugs, and I nod.
"You should get some sleep, or coffee. You look like hell." I smile, which he returns, nodding. Daniel stands and kisses my cheek before walking out of the small room, shutting the white curtain behind him.
I fight the urge to go back to sleep, my body seems to crave it, instead I force myself to get up and stretch my tired muscles. Walking out of my room, I head towards the private rooms down the hall.
A few airmen glance up as I walk by, but none say anything. The base has a sweet little grapevine going so I suppose they all know about what happened with the colonel. Of course they all seem to think that we're screwing like wild rabbits anyway so they pass out the sympathetic looks.
Knocking lightly on the room that I overheard one of the nurses say the colonel was in, I open it and creep in, mindful of the sleeping man laying on the bed in the centre of the room.
Quietly as possible, I pull a chair over to the side of the colonel's bed and sit down, resting my elbow on the bed as my hand cradle's my throbbing head.
~*+*~
The sound of a rather loud buzzing wakes me from my sleep and I jump awake, springing away from the bed and nervously looking around the room. The Colonel holds his emergency buzzer in his hand as he looks at me strangely.
"Colonel!" I gasp. "You're awake." I smile. He stares at me blankly. "Colonel?" I ask, moving closer to the bed. "Sir, do you want me to get Janet?"
He nods slowly and as I turn to leave the room, Janet walks in. "Shouldn't you be in bed?" She gently scowls, walking over to the colonel to check his vitals. "How are you feeling Colonel?"
"Fine." He smiles. Pulling himself up a little, he leans closer to Janet and whispers, not too quietly I might add, in her ear. "Is she one of your nurses? She was here when I woke up." His eyes dart to look at me and then back to Janet.
"Who? Major Carter?" Janet asks, looking at me.
"Is that her name?" He asks and I stare at them.
Daniel and Teal'c walk into the room, looking back and forth between the three of us. "Hey Jack, how are you feeling?" He asks.
"Good Danny, you?" He replies.
"Fine."
"I am pleased that you and Major Carter are both well." Teal'c bows and I smile, touched by his concern.
"Major Carter?" The Colonel repeats, quite obviously confused. He looks back and forth between everyone in the room. Once he seems satisfied that he knows who the others are, his gaze rests on me. His eyes unrecognising.
My smile fades.
~*+*~
"He seems physically and mentally fine sir, but he doesn't know Major Carter from someone he passes on the street." Janet tells the General grimly, her hands fiddling with the pen in front of her.
"He doesn't remember her at all?"
"Not at all."
I sit in my chair at the briefing table and look at the empty seat next to me that is normally occupied by the colonel. Janet continues her explanation of why he doesn't remember me, but I barely hear her talking.
How can he not remember me at all? There have been situations, a few too many, where it has only been the two of us, surely those times cant escape his memory?
"What about P3C 881?" I ask.
"P3C 881?" Janet repeats, somewhat confused.
"We helped a local population survive a volcano because Sam thought of a way to help them. If she hadn't been there then hundreds of people would have died." Daniel explains.
"We should ask the colonel if he has any memory of that mission, Major Carter was an important part of that mission and we should see what he remembers." The General announces.
The walk to the infirmary was one of the longest in my life, the corridors seemingly closing in around me. Daniel asks if I'm alright, I think that I managed to reply that I was just shocked. I think he worked it out already, he understands the 'thing' between the Colonel and I, but he's smart enough to know that it doesn't need to be acknowledged or commented on.
Janet opens the door to his room and we all file in, me hiding behind Teal'c. Everyone stops, standing around his bed.
"What's going on?" He asks, pulling himself into a sitting position on the bed.
"I have already done tests on you, physically, but I have to assess you mentally. There are a few concerns of amnesia, so I just want to ask you some simple questions." Janet explains, only partly lying.
"Why the cavalry then?"
"Because Colonel, I don't know much about your missions so someone has to be here to verify that what you recall is accurate. And I don't know enough about your personal life to ask you about that, so the missions SG-1 have been on seemed like the next best thing." The Colonel nods, apparently happy with that explanation. Once again he looks at everyone and smiles, but refuses to meet my gaze and I unconsciously step closer to Teal'c.
"What happened on P3C 881?" Daniel asks, and the colonel scrunches up his face a little. I nudge Daniel in the back a little and give him a pointed look, Colonel O'Neill never remembers the binary code designations to the planets. "The planet with the volcanoes." He elaborates.
"Oh! You thought of a way to get them underground and then re-seal the land on top of them so that the lava would flow over and they could live underground for as long as it took. We called the Tok'ra who gave us some of their tunnel growing things and we set them up with instruments to monitor the conditions on the surface. We contacted them a few months ago to see how things were going- the lava has stopped and some of the natural vegetation had started to grow back. They're doing well, thanks to Daniel."
I think our faces say it all because the next thing he says is, "Am I wrong?"
"What about the land of light and dark? How did you contract the virus?" I ask.
The colonel looks more than a little uncomfortable talking to me, but answers the question no less. "I got it off one of the guys in the locker room and then I gave it to Daniel by starting a fight." Daniel unconsciously touches his cheek.
"How did we meet the Tok'ra?" General Hammond asks.
"Someone on base was infected and she started having flashback's from the Tok'ra symbiote that died within her and we went to meet them." His reply shocks me a little, although he didn't mention my name, he didn't name anyone else as the former host to Jolinar. I suppose that's a good thing.
"Thank you Colonel, we'll all let you get some sleep now. I'll come back and see how you are later." Janet smiles and we all leave the room.
I'm last to leave, and I turn back to look at the colonel, who I find staring at me curiously, one last time before following everyone else out of the room with a sad look on my face.
~*+*~
"Will he ever remember?" I ask Janet, later in her office over a cup of strong coffee.
"I don't know, Sam. He doesn't actually have amnesia because he remembers everything."
"Everything accept things involving me." I finish for her and she nods.
"I'm sorry Sam, but there isn't anything we can do."
"What about Keira?" I ask, suddenly thinking aloud. "The Vyan people had their memories blocked, not lost, and with the right chemicals we were able to remove the block and their. . . "
"Sam!" She stops me. "I already thought about that and we ran the scans, it looks as though that isn't the case here. His memories don't seem to be there. At all."
"So what do I do?" I ask.
"Talk to him?" She suggests. "Maybe the scans aren't showing up something because of what Frey'a did and his memories are there, just un-readable on the scans. If you talk to him then maybe he might remember something."
"Thanks." I smile, depositing my empty cup into her bin before standing and heading to the door.
"Sam." Janet calls before I exit. I turn. "I'm sorry."
I nod and leave the room, unsure of the direction I should take, my lab or to the Colonel who doesn't seem all that pleased to see me these days.
Letting my heart lead me, I head in the direction of the colonel's room.
I look at the grey door before me, apprehension and trepidation flowing through my body. I try to relax a little and take a deep breath, scolding myself for feeling so uneasy, I'm only coming to talk to a friend. Yeah, a friend who has no clue of who I am at the moment and looks nauseated every time I'm within three feet of him.
Raising my hand, I lightly knock on the cool surface of the door three times, waiting for an answer I nervously look around me. "Come in!" The Colonel calls and I open the door, entering the room before closing the door behind me.
"Hi." I smile, walking slowly towards the bed. I take the empty set next to him and watch as he eyes me suspiciously.
"Hello."
"Hi." I repeat. Wow, what a great conversation.
"Can I help you?"
"I thought we could talk."
"Talk?"
"Yeah, Janet said that it may help your memories return if we talked, maybe trigger something." I suggest.
"My memories are fine." He protests, immediately defensive.
"There are certain things that you don't remember colonel, and we want to help you." I reply.
"I don't need help."
"You don't want to remember me." It's not a question, I can pretty much tell.
"I don't know you!"
"You did." I whisper.
An uncomfortable silence descends upon us and I look at my hands which are resting in my lap, unable to meet his eyes. I realise now what my brain had been trying to tell my heart when I made the decision, I shouldn't have come here to see him, not now.
"What am I to you?" He asks after few moments and I look up, thinking about my answer before I speak.
"Someone I respect, trust with my life, my commanding officer and my best friend." I reply honestly.
"It sounds like I was a lucky person."
"You still are, sir. And you always will be."
~*+*~
I think he's beginning to accept me, accept that he doesn't remember me but I was part of his life, despite what his memories are telling him. I try my best, and we talk about the past. Well, I talk and he listens, adding comments where he thinks I was wrong. All of those times that he has offered a correction has been situations involving me.
Which is what I'm doing now. Somehow, the discussions went from our previous missions to what kind of relationship we had. Which is a very difficult topic for me to talk about. Not that he remembers that fact.
"Were we ever together?"
"Not exactly. You may not remember me, but I'm certain that you couldn't have forgotten the regulations regarding fraternisation." I answer sadly.
"But if you really know me, then you should know that I'm not real big on regs." He smiles. His smile hasn't changed over the past few weeks, nor has his sense of humour.
"Yes, but what we are doing here is bigger than both of us, we shouldn't hold ourselves above the war that is going on. There are so many people on the base that have sacrificed their lives in the fight against the Goa'uld and although we still have our lives, we never had each other. That was our sacrifice." I explain. It was our sacrifice, and we only realised it a few weeks ago. . .Oh!
I stand and run out of his room, muttering an excuse to him as I run into Janet's office, panting from the slight burst of adrenalin that I suddenly had coursing through me.
She grabs my arm and holds me still. "Sam! What's wrong?"
"I figured it out. I figured out why the colonel has lost his memories!" I exclaim.
"This is something that you should be explaining to all of us, Major."
General Hammond. Crap!
~*+*~
I hate briefings.
All of SG-1 is here, including Jack, as well as Janet and Hammond, and they are all staring at me. Waiting for the answer, which I know, and which I know that they know I know. I'm confused.
"Major?" Hammond is getting impatient, waiting.
Don't look at me, sir, you're the one who insisted we call Anise and let her know that I have the answer. I think that I am spending too much time with Jack. Either that or my sarcasm levels have suddenly risen two or three notches.
Did I mention I hate briefings?
"Incoming wormhole! Receiving Tok'ra IDC!" I'm tempted to suggest that we leave the iris shut, but if dad happens to have gotten my letter and come to see me. . .on second thought's we should leave the iris open.
The metal of the iris retracts and we all watch from the briefing room window as Anise walks down the ramp, followed by my father. I'm psychic. The technician on duty ushers them to come up and meet us, as per General Hammond's instructions. Now I get to explain this too all of them at once, including my father. Wonderful.
"Hey Sammy." He greets, hugging me before taking a set opposite Jack. He smiles, obviously aware of the situation. Jack returns the smile, and I'm briefly shocked that he remembers my father, not me.
"We received a message from General Hammond telling us that you had discovered why Colonel O'Neill has lost all memory of you Major Carter, would you care to share your findings?" Anise asks.
Jack looks at me sharply, and I suddenly realise that he hasn't been told what this briefing is about. "You said that in order for the Zaytarc detector to determine if a person really is a Zaytarc, it reads their thoughts and feelings, right?"
"Yes. In order to determine if a person is a Zaytarc, the machine analyses their conscious memory with their subconscious one. Their feelings can help to corroborate what they remember." Anise answers, still blinking way too much for my liking.
"And you said that the procedure you tried would damage the part of the Colonel's brain that had been affected by the Goa'uld tampering."
"Yes."
"So the procedure affected the part of his brain where his subconscious memory didn't confirm what his conscious memory was, and what he told you. There was a slight continuity gap between the two, and your machine damaged that portion of his brain. Which was me." Suddenly my hands look very interesting.
"You?" Jack asks, once again confused.
"Yeah. When you told Anise what you felt, and what you really felt were two different things, which is why she thought that you were a Zaytarc."
"Oh."
"How is it that you can be certain that it was something that the Colonel neglected to tell us that he felt, rather than the fact that he was a Zaytarc?" Thank you Anise!
"We had a. . .moment." I admit, and Janet smiles with a knowing look. She a woman, she understands what I mean. Anise on the other hand. . .
"Please specify what you mean by that." Frey'a is in control now, not that it makes much of a difference to me.
"We were on Apophis' ship, I was trapped behind a force shield, there were Jaffa coming and the colonel refused to leave me, even though it would surely mean he would die too." Do not look at him, do not look at him. Crap! Too late!. "Things. . .feelings were exchanged." Court martial here I come.
"You spoke of such feelings?" I think I hate Frey'a as much as I currently hate briefings.
"We didn't have to." This part is going to sound *so* corny. "Our eyes said it all."
"And you think that's why the machine thought you and Jack were Zaytarcs, because you both left that part out?" Daniel asks, smiling reassuringly at me across the table.
"Yes. If we were required to say what we had felt during the incident in question, then us leaving that part out would have been construed as lying, hence the reason we were thought of as Zaytarc's. I didn't work it out until Janet was administering the sedative, and by the time we got to the testing room, it was too late. Jack's memories of me are gone because what he lied about was concerning me. And the procedure damaged that portion of his brain, which was the portion containing all of his memories." The fact that I called him Jack didn't go unnoticed by anyone.
I still hate briefings.
~*+*~
"Doc says I can go home today." He grins in answer to my query of how he's feeling. "Though I'm still not allowed to drive yet. She says that you volunteered for the job. Thanks." He continues, tying his boot laces.
"No problem." I smile, seating myself on the edge of his bed.
Jack has been going stir crazy for the past month and a half, and he's been annoying Janet, trying to get her to discharge him. On several occasions, he's threatened to walk out of the infirmary, but said he only stayed so that he could see me. I hate to admit it, even to myself, but he's a lot more charming now that he doesn't remember me.
"Can we go now?" He asks.
"Soon." I promise. Jack nods.
"Now?"
"Stop it."
"Now?"
"Jack, stop it!"
"Make me."
"I will!" Our tone is playful and suddenly I find myself on my back, his fingers tickling my sides to the point that there are tears in my eyes from laughing so much.
"Am I interrupting something?"
Yes! "No Sir."
"How are you feeling, Jack?" He asks, coming further into the room to stand by the bed. I don't bother getting up, only because Jack's body is on top of me and I can't move unless he does, not that I want to.
His gaze flickers to me, and we share a small smile. "I'm good sir. Really good."
"I can see that. Just wanted to wish you well on the trip home. I assume we'll see you back at work after you're week's downtime is up."
"Yes sir." He nods, his fingers tracing unspecified patterns on the bare skin of my stomach.
"Major Carter, I also assume that we won't see you back on base until you're week's downtime is up?"
I look at Jack, and then back at Hammond. "Yes sir." I smile.
Hammond leaves and I watch him walk out of the infirmary before turning back to look up at Jack, who's face is now mere inches from my face.
And we kiss.
~*+*~
We've been at home, Jack's house, for three days now. It's actually no different from when he was in the infirmary really, except for at night. I still tell Jack stories of our past together, and he's actually started taking notes. Nothing classified, but just general things. Like my favourite book or movie.
He says that it's because, if he happens to relapse, then he'll have a reference book to look at when he wants to know about me, so that I don't have to tell all of the same stories over and over again. I blame Janet for his sudden paranoia, she said that she was slightly concerned that he could relapse, and she didn't want him left alone for too long. Not that I mind being given the job of Jack-sitting.
"You want coffee?" He asks, untangling our bodies.
"Please." I nod, watching unashamed as he stands from the bed and pulls on a pair of boxer shorts before heading out of the room.
I sigh in contentment and stretch. Suddenly, Jack's head pops around the corner and he looks at me, a little sheepish. "How do you take your coffee?"
"Black." I smile.
"Must write that down." He mutters, walking back towards the kitchen. I shake my head and laugh, listening to the sounds of Jack attempting to make coffee, when in reality he's only destroying his kitchen.
He comes back into the bedroom, carrying a mug of coffee for me and he has a tea-towel wrapped around his hand. "Jack?" I ask, sitting up, immediately concerned.
"The coffee pot and I got into a fight." He explains, putting my mug down and unwrapping his hand. "I think the coffee pot won." He tells me, gesturing to the burn on his hand.
"Come with me." I order, and climb out of bed, not bothering to put anything on as I drag him to the ensuite.
Turning on the cold water tap, I hold his burn under the stream. "All better?" I ask him, kissing the burn lightly, then his lips.
"No, but with you here, I just might be."
~*+*~
Epilogue
~*+*~
I don't think we really knew what we were getting into when the whole thing started. If we had, then I think that we would have kept the iris closed when the evil bitch from Tok'ra hell walked into our lives.
She changed things, beyond repair. We'll never be the same after this, he'll never be the same. But I know, one thing is for certain, I'll be there to help him through it every step of the way. And he'll be here for me. I'll hold him close when his frustration increases to boiling point and he'll do the same for me. I'll be there to reassure him that I love him, no matter what happens, I'll always love him.
I know his memories of me are fresh, only beginning from the time of the Zaytarc incident, but I guess that I'll have to remember for both of us.
It's the things that no-one else knows about that hurt the most. The innocent hugs, the light touches, the glances, the kiss we shared on Hathor's planet, the things we swore that only we would have the privilege of remembering. But he doesn't, and probably won't so I'll tell him about them and I'll hold onto those memories for the both of us.
And I'll never forget, I owe him that much.
~*+*~
The end.
Story Notes: Feedback: Hell yeah!
Dedication: For Samantha, who came up with this idea on the S/J list and then encouraged me to finish this fic, with virtually the same plot as her idea. Great mind's think alike. And for LEW, as always, I know that you're busy at the moment but I appreciate you beta'ing this for me.
Spoilers: D&C Past and present, Broca divide, In the line of duty, Into the fire
Date: 26-10-2002
Dedication: For Samantha, who came up with this idea on the S/J list and then encouraged me to finish this fic, with virtually the same plot as her idea. Great mind's think alike. And for LEW, as always, I know that you're busy at the moment but I appreciate you beta'ing this for me.
Spoilers: D&C Past and present, Broca divide, In the line of duty, Into the fire
Date: 26-10-2002
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]