It was the movie that changed it all.
Cassie dragged him along to see 'Toy Story 2', and, being more kid than adult - or so laughed Janet - he went. Carter and Janet had their afternoon, while he got to spend some time with Cassie.
It wasn't quite displaced affection for his dead son, but it came close.
She was growing up so swiftly, a coltish, lanky uncertainty in her adolescence, yet with the innate mystery and intrigue of any woman. The boys were already lining up outside the house for dates, and Carter always seemed to have someone to tease Cassie about.
Jack guessed that Carter had been rather like Cassie once upon a decade. And, like Carter, Cassie would grow into a self-assured, intelligent woman, all her own, entirely adorable.
They settled into their seats, early by Cassie's decree - she hated having to find seats in the dark. Exactly why she had dragged him along to see a movie, he had no idea. At her age, she wasn't supposed to be wanting to spend time with 'oldies' like himself...but then, Cassie was not an average teenager in any way.
Then she posed the question: "What are you going to get Sam for her birthday?"
Jack had no idea. Jonas had wanted to give Carter a surprise birthday party up until Teal'c pointed out what both he and Jack already knew: Carter hated surprises. If there ever was a control freak born and raised, it was Samantha Carter. "I hadn't thought about it."
"She's hard to buy presents for, isn't she?" Cassie mused thoughtfully between mouthfuls of popcorn.
Truthfully, the only present Jack had thought about giving Carter had been the kind of thing you couldn't wrap. Well, maybe he could tie a ribbon around it...but it wouldn't exactly be...useful in that state. And it would be *very* uncomfortable.
The 'present' in question started getting ideas of its own.
*Oh for crying out loud! You're about to watch a kids' movie with the closest person you have to a daughter, Jack! Down boy!*
He sat through a few uncomfortable minutes, during which Cassie happily prattled about the things she'd thought about as possible presents for Sam, completely unconscious of where her companion's thoughts were headed. She'd have been shocked out of her seat. Or maybe not. She *was* seventeen, after all.
Then the movie began and Jack eased himself back in his seat to watch and be entertained.
The whole concept was really very clever - toys with a life of their own. He recalled a blue velour elephant he'd given Charlie for his second birthday. Ellie the Elephant had been Charlie's favourite stuffed toy for years. Father and son had made up stories about the adventures of Ellie Elephant night after night. Absently, Jack wondered what had happened to the old toy after...after Charlie's death.
Sara had probably thrown it out when she left. Jack just didn't know.
As the story progressed, Jack found he was enjoying it...right up until the point when the little cowgirl doll grieved over her former owner and sang her heartrending song.
*
"When somebody loved me, everything was beautiful,
Every hour we spent together lives within my heart.
And when she was sad, I was there to dry her tears,
And when she was happy so was I
When she loved me...
"Through the summer and the fall, we had each other - that was all,
Just she and I together, like it was meant to be.
And when she was lonely, I was there to comfort her
And I knew that she loved me.
"So the years went by - I stayed the same,
But she began to drift away - I was left alone.
Still I waited for the day when she'd say "I will always love you..."
"Lonely and forgotten, never thought she'd look my way,
But she smiled at me and held me close just like she used to do...
Like she loved me
When she loved me...
"When somebody loved me, everything was beautiful,
Every hour we spent together lives within my heart.
When she loved me..."
*
As the last aching notes died away, Jack found his hands were curled into fists in his lap.
Cassie was surreptitiously blotting tears from her eyes and Jack dug out a hankie which she received with a mixture of gratitude and embarrassment. The rest of the movie was good - lighter and funnier moments but as they went out into the broad daylight of a Sunday afternoon, Jack found himself thinking back to the poignant grief of the cowgirl doll.
*When she loved me...*
The song touched something raw inside him, rubbed salt into a wound he hadn't even known was there until today. Until he dropped Cassie home, stopping inside to say 'hi' to Carter and the Doc, sitting at a table laden with more choc-chip cookies than were wise or healthy for a theoretical astrophysicist and an MD to consume.
They invited him to sit down for coffee, he declined. He did take a cookie, but he tucked it away in his pocket for later consumption rather than sit there under the intensity of her eyes and deal with the inchoate feelings roiling within him.
Those he dealt with later, over a glass or three of malt whiskey.
By the time she let herself in, he was...a little tipsy. Tipsy enough to be a little rough, but not tipsy enough to be incapable. She protested at first, but let him take the lead - and while he was rough, he was still considerate enough to satisfy her. Wasn't that all she wanted, after all?
He didn't express what had driven him to the alcohol because that wasn't his way. She didn't demand an explanation because that wasn't her way. Instead she fell asleep in his bed, by his side. Jack propped himself up and traced the curves of brow and cheekbone, nose and lip, while the haunting phrases of the song played in his head and something in him desperately wished for another drink.
Maybe if he drank enough, he could forget his own inadequacy for a little while. Maybe he could drown out the clamouring fears whose cold fingers closed around his heart. Maybe he wouldn't have to contemplate what this affair really was about.
No expectations and no regrets. That was their motto.
*No expectations...*
His hand smoothed over the skin of her shoulder and the ache in his hands and his chest bit deeply. He might be worth the sex - and he made it good for her - but somewhere deep down inside, he'd always known he wasn't worth her love. Too many scars, too many shards pieced back together too often; stuffed with straw and only good for scaring crows.
She deserved better than this, and he knew it.
So no expectations.
*...and no regrets.*
No regrets on her part.
Jack would regret a lot of things.
He would regret not being the kind of man Sam needed in her life. He would regret not saying what he'd wanted to say to her: *I love you.* He would regret not moving sooner, not staying longer, not being able to claim what he wanted in the open.
Jack thought about the doll in the movie, grieving over her abandonment by the child she'd loved.
He thought about himself lying here one night in an uncertain future. Lying alone in the bed because Sam Carter had moved beyond him, beyond their affair.
Children grew up, gave up their childhood toys, put such things behind them. That was just the way of things.
And some day, Sam would put Jack O'Neill away and find a man to match her - someone young, handsome, with his own spark of brilliance. Someone who would soar with her to undreamed-of heights, while Jack watched them dance in the sky. He would ache with the terrible beauty of it, but Jack was bound to the earth, wingless and futureless, unable to leave the ground with her.
No, he was no match for Sam Carter.
Jack buried his face in her hair and breathed the scent of her deep into his nostrils. It soothed the hollow burning in his chest, making the fear a little less immediate.
Still...
Why now? Why tonight? He'd never forced himself to deal with it before, why now?
Maybe because something in him knew his time was coming to an end. Something in him could sense the empty future rapidly approaching the present moment. The seconds dripped through his fingers - a liquid he couldn't stem or stop - and every moment was unbearably precious.
So he made a promise to himself to enjoy what he had while he had it. He would live one day to the next, relishing the moment; remembering the good times and letting the bad slip away.
The story of SG-1.
The story of Jack O'Neill.
Broken, battered, old and scarred. A use-by date that had come and gone and left him behind in its wake.
Sam had accepted him into her arms and while Jack knew it wasn't pity, he knew it wasn't the commitment he wanted either.
In her sleep, she turned over, snuggling up against him in somnolent affection. A child who possessed what she had and loved what she owned, but who would someday grow up and move on. And the man she left behind would remember the few, brief seasons he had spent loving her and being loved by her - because he couldn't hope for anything more, could he?
So he lay in the bed beside the woman who owned him - soul, heart, body and mind - and listened to the sounds of the night and the wistful refrain of the abandoned doll's pain.
*
"When somebody loved me, everything was beautiful,
Every hour we spent together lives within my heart,
When she loved me..."
* * *
Feed me! Oh feeeeeed me!
Story Notes: I've been in a mood to write angst lately - don't ask why it's just one of those things. Nice heartrending stuff. Anyway, I think I have it mostly out of my system with this one. A sequel is unlikely - imagine a happy ending if necessary, I wrote this for the angst.
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]