All my life, I pray for someone like you, And I thank God that I, That I finally found you. All my life, I pray for someone like you, And I hope that you, feel the same way too. Yes, I pray that you, do love me too.
Was that song written for me or something? Was it trying to tell the whole world the way I feel? I have to know if he feels the same. There has to be some way to find out, without it looking really conspicuous. As I walk down a corridor, all I see is him. His smile. His beautiful smile. When he looks at me, and I stare into his eyes. His deep brown eyes. Why does he have to be so damn gorgeous! It wouldn't be so hard to deal with if he wasn't so, amazingly gorgeous. Dreams and images of kissing him and being with him, role through my mind all day, everyday. I can't stop thinking about him. Everything he does is, well, I don't know what to do! I think about when were 'touched' and I tried to seduce him. That was amazing. I mean, I'm sort of glad he stopped me; otherwise, I could have ruined both our careers. But in a way, if wish he hadn't. If he hadn't, then I might have felt him closer to me. He might have relented to my very, unsubtle, seduction. It would have been nice if we hadn't been 'touched', because then it would have been more, real, I guess. It would have seemed like we were actually doing it ourselves, and it wasn't the disease talking. All these feelings rushing through my head, it's too hard! I dream every night of kissing him, everywhere I can. Feeling his body against mine, feeling him. Running my fingers through his hair, and feeling his hands on me. Oh God! Stop it Sam! I have got to control this. But I can't! It's so hard! Seeing him everyday, and not being able to touch him. Not being able to say exactly how I feel to his face. And that's not entirely because of regs. It's also because I don't have the guts to do it, and I'm scared of what he might say, or think. I mean he might never speak to me again! I couldn't bear that. Not being able to at least hear his voice, and see his smile. But that face. It begs me to touch it. And my mind keeps telling me to, but, well, I just can't. Not yet. Maybe... "Sam! Sam are you ok?" Daniel? What's he doing in my fantasies?! He shouldn't be in here. 'Go away Daniel!' "Daniel. What are you..." The rest of the words didn't come out, as I realised I was back in the corridor. Not in my fantasies anymore, and I just ran smack into Daniel. "Sam, are you ok?" He asked again. I still wasn't fully with it yet, but I heard him. "Yeah. I'm fine. Sorry. I was miles away." Boy is that an understatement. I was more than miles, I was so far, I didn't think I was ever coming back. And wasn't fine, because I was still thinking about *him*. Jack. Oh that name, is sheer pleasure in itself. Of course, if I said all that to Daniel, he would think I was completely nuts. Not everyone likes Daniel. I don't. Not that way anyway. But Jack. Oh. I wish I could call him that. I wish I could just casually walk up to him, like I would Daniel or Janet, and say "Hi Jack. How's it goin'?" But of course, I can't. Those damn regs are always in the back of my mind. Even though I don't really care about them, I don't want to ruin his career, just because I think I'm in love with him. I *am* in love with him. "Sam. Are you sure, you're alright? You seem a little, well, spaced out" he spoke again. Damn him. Interrupting my thoughts again. Suppose I'd better answer him. "Sure. I'm alright Daniel. Really." I threw him a reassuring smile and let him continue on his way. Before I got too far, my name called me back. "Sam." I turned and faced him. "Yeah?"
"We have a briefing in," he checked his watch quickly, "ten minutes. Ok?"
"See you there." I smiled again and then continued on my way to... Now where was I actually going? Damn! I forget. A briefing in ten. That means sitting next to that gorgeous man again. I think soon, in a briefing, I'm not going to be able to hold in the desire. I'll do what I want to do. I'll grab his neck, pull him into my lips and kiss him. Right in front of General Hammond, and Daniel and Teal'c. I have to. I need him so bad. I want him more and more, every time I see him. It's getting too hard to cope with. And I don't know what else to do about it. I've briefly shared my feelings with Janet, but not to the extent I'm at now. They weren't as intense when I first told her, but now. Whoa! Now they'd take too long to tell her about. I would be talking all night. She'd fall asleep for sure! Well, seeing as I've forgotten where I was supposed to be going, I'll head straight for the Conference Room. And I'd better hope and pray he isn't there early, otherwise, who knows what'll happen.
Ok so I'm there, and as yet, no one else is. I situated myself in my usual chair next to where he usually sits. Just when I thought I had it made, he walked in and smiled when he saw me already here. Even before him. "Hey Carter" he said with another smile. Oh, that smile. 'Stop it!' I silently wished. I didn't really want him to stop, but I did at the same time. I only wanted him to stop, so I stopped feeling the way I was feeling. He sat down where he always did, next to me. "Hi Colonel" I finally replied. I felt so stupid. I felt like I was sixteen. Like when a guy comes near you, you have this amazing crush on him, and you just wish he would ask you out, and then he does and you're so nervous and excited you almost forget to say yes. That was how I felt. But, I knew he wasn't going to ask me out. I wished he would though. My thoughts were again rudely interrupted by the General walking in and sitting in his usual position at the head of the table. "Colonel. Major. Glad to see you here early. Where are Dr. Jackson and Teal'c?" he asked. I didn't really hear, and think they both might have expected me to know where Daniel was. I usually did. "I bet they'll be here soon sir" the Colonel said, obviously noticing my aimless gaze distracted me from answering. "Yeah" I agreed with him mindlessly. Not really hearing what he said, but feeling obligated to at least say something. Shortly after that, Daniel and Teal'c both arrived and resumed their usual seats. "Well, now that we're all here, we can start the briefing" General Hammond said. I was still thinking about the man next to me. My thoughts never left him through the whole briefing. I tried to think about the briefing, and what we were talking about, but I just couldn't. It just wouldn't work. Everything I thought about was him. I stared at him a lot. I managed to stop doing that a few times, but it wasn't easy. I almost screamed at myself, but just managed to contain it, and instead, used mental abuse. He sat next to me, fiddling with his pen, clicking it's ballpoint up and down on the desk. He stopped himself a few times. I watched as he clicked it up and down, up and down, again and again. I couldn't stand it anymore. I gently put my hand on his and slid the pen out of his fingers. Daniel, Teal'c and the General didn't seem to notice, but my hand lingered on his for a long moment, as I stared into his intensely brown eyes. In that moment, the words the General spoke didn't reach us. It was as though we were connected for that time, through the touch of our hands. For a moment, I thought I saw a slight glint of love in his eyes, but it was gone before I could be certain. He turned back to the General, but to my surprise, didn't move my hand and he didn't retort his. He left it there under mine. His hand was so warm and calm under mine. He didn't even flinch. He just let me stare at him more, and I knew he knew I was staring at him. It was as though he knew, but he didn't mind. He wasn't bothered. Daniel looked over at me, and noticed my eyes on the Colonel. Then he looked down and saw my hand on his. I didn't know if Daniel was shocked, surprised, happy, confused or what he was. But he didn't say anything, and I was glad. I was glad he didn't bother to say anything, because I liked the feel of Jack's hand under mine. It felt so comforting. Like he was somehow protecting me from something, even though there was nothing to be protected from. The briefing continued, and I left my hand on his the whole time. Finally, we were finished, and I didn't want to go. I didn't want to let him go either. I wanted to hold him, and I wanted him to hold me. The General left, and Daniel and Teal'c followed shortly after him. Jack swung his chair to face mine. I smiled sheepishly, before he got up and started to leave. 'No!' I thought. 'I don't want you to go! You can't go!' "No!" I said suddenly. I didn't know why I said it, but before I could even think why, I was on my feet, and grabbing his arm to stop him from leaving. "What's up Carter?" he asked calmly, as though I hadn't just yelled for him not to leave me. "Oh, I, umm, this is up, sir" I said, and before I realised it, I'd pulled him down to my lips, and they were joined. Amazingly, I didn't feel him argue. I didn't feel him fighting with me for an explanation. He was almost kissing me back. I felt at first he was, naturally, shocked at my sudden decision, that I didn't even prepare myself for. Slowly, we were kissing each other more. I couldn't believe this was happening. He was actually returning my kisses. I didn't know what to do now. I relocated my hands from his neck, down to his waist and pulled him in closer to me. He was hesitant, sort of, unsure, I could tell, but I didn't blame him for that, I wasn't exactly one hundred percent sure on what I was doing either. Although he wasn't certain, he came willingly closer. I sighed on his lips as our bodies rubbed close. It was definitely a feeling I had wanted to feel for a long time. We continued to kiss for many minutes, until he slowly separated from my lips. "What's wrong?" I asked, knowing it was a pretty stupid question. He was obviously wondering why I kissed him. I would be if someone suddenly came up and kissed me. "Nothing. Just wondering what suddenly possessed you to do that" he replied. I understood how he must have felt, but I really didn't have a reason. "I have wanted to do that since I met you" I said. And it was true. I'd had feelings for him since we first met. "Really?" he questioned. I wasn't sure if there was more, but I nodded and smiled. "Good. I was hoping I wasn't the only one."
"You mean? You've felt the same about me all this time?" I asked, as a smile formed on my lips. "Why didn't we say something sooner?"
"I don't know. But I know we should have" I said, now feeling relieved to know he felt the same way.
"Yeah. We should have" he replied. "You should have what?" Daniel asked as he entered the room. We flew apart. "Nothing" I lied. "You can't, should have, nothing" Daniel stated. He wasn't going to give up easily. "Yes you can. We just did" I said with an unconvincing grin. It sounded really stupid, but there was no other logical explanation to give him in substitute. There was no logical explanation at all. "You just did nothing of the sort. Do you think I didn't see you two?! Hah! You thought wrong then. I saw you! Oh boy did I see you! Thank God you two finally did that. I was going to have to force you to if you didn't soon" Daniel smiled deviously. "You mean you just stood in the doorway and watched us?!" I asked angrily. "Yep. You were both so wrapped up in each other you didn't even notice me there did you? I didn't think so. Good. That was a little bit of a test, and you'll be happy to know, you passed with flying colours. I'll leave you two alone now" he smiled again, then turned on his heel and left. I turned my head up to look at Jack. He smiled down at me. "Well, I uh, I don't know what to say. I guess, he's right, springs to mind" I said, referring to the fact we *were* so wrapped up in each other, we didn't even notice Daniel in the doorway watching us. "Yeah. I don't really know what to say either. Which is a rare occurrence for me actually, . ." I didn't give Jack anytime to finish. I pulled him down to my lips and kissed him again. "I love you" I whispered through our kisses. "I love you too" he replied, and I was so glad. I smiled and wrapped my arms tightly around his waist. I didn't want to let him go. I finally had told him, and was kissing him. I had wanted to kiss him for so long, and now I was, I didn't want to stop. "Maybe we should go to your room or,"
"Good idea" I agreed before he had a chance to finish. I reluctantly pulled away from his lips and rested my head on his neck. He put his arms around my shoulders and we stood together for a while. Eventually we left for my room.
When we were in, and had secured the lock on the door, I rejoined our lips again. As we backward stepped to the bed, I found the buttons on his shirt and slowly undid them. Finally, we reached the bed when Jack's legs hit it, and he fell backwards onto it. I went with him and smiled. We sat up, and I continued with the remaining buttons on his shirt. They were finally undone, and I separated our lips just for a moment while I pushed it off his shoulders and pulled the black T-shirt under it over his head and let it fall to the floor. Hastily I joined our lips again, and let my hands caress his muscular chest. I didn't waste any time on my shirt, and quickly undid it's buttons and threw it off. My T-shirt was also off shortly after that. His pants were next. I had fun fiddling with the zipper and button at the top. Then I pulled them down and discarded them too. Of course, mine would be next, and I let him find their exit. Before I knew it, we were both naked in front of each other. We surveyed each other, allowing our eyes to scale each other's bodies. I allowed my hands to travel his body freely, taking in every detail of his form I could. We lay down on the bed together and placed loving kisses all over each other. "Jack" I moaned on his lips. Slowly we explored each other in more detail, and before we had a chance to think, Jack was inside me. It was the most amazing feeling I've ever felt in my life. We rocked in motion together. The rhythm was sweet ecstasy. I tightened around him. Finally, he exploded inside me. I threw my head back, as I came and I wrapped my legs around his waist. We lay still in each other's arms for a long while, still and quiet. I left my head buried in Jack's chest and my arms coiled tightly around him. He held me in his arms, and I could feel him breathing softly over my hair. I looked up at him. He smiled. I love that smile. I love those caring eyes staring into mine. God, I love him. "I love you" I told him. He smiled again. He opened his mouth to reply, but I stopped him by joining our lips again. "You're gorgeous" I said as I smiled on his mouth. "Well you're not bad either ya know?" Jack replied. I smiled again as we parted our lips, gasping for breath. I returned my head to it's warm resting place on Jack and we lay still again, just happy to be in each other's arms. "Sam! You in there?!" We both jumped as we heard Daniel's voice bellow from the outside of my door. "Yeah" I called back. "What do you want?!" I couldn't believe he was here. Now. 'Bad timing!' "We have a mission in twenty minutes! Do you know where Jack is? I haven't told him yet" Daniel yelled through the door. I looked up at Jack, he smiled and I smiled back. "No idea where he is. Sorry" I replied. "Ok then. See you soon then."
"Yeah. Bye" I said, waiting for him to leave. Jack and I burst out laughing. Then I kissed him roughly. We both calmed, and I rolled from being next to him, to being on top of him. I smiled artfully, pleased at my accomplishment. I placed loving kisses down his body. Over his chest then lower still. Over each of his long legs I continued, leaving nothing unexplored. I heard him moan softly, as I dragged my nails down over his chest, like a school teacher on a black board. He gasped for breath, but I caught his mouth before he got the chance to say anything. "Mmm. Oh Jack."
"Sam. Don't we... have a mission, soon?" he managed. "I... don't... know. Who cares" I replied. "Not that I don't think this is nice, but..."
"Sam. We have a mission. When did Daniel say it was?" Jack asked. "Who cares?" I said. "Sorry Sam, but we do." I sighed. I knew he was right, but I didn't want to go. "I know. I'm sorry. I just don't want to go" I told him, sighing emphatically again. "I don't either, but you know we have to."
"Yeah. I love you."
"I know. I love you too."
"Ok. Well I guess we'd better go then" I stated. Slowly we got up and ready for our mission. I stuck my head out of my doorway, just to make sure there was no one around to see Jack come out of my room. The corridor was empty, and he darted out after kissing me. I smiled as I watched him go. Quickly, I got ready and as I ran down the corridors to the Gate Room, I met up with Jack again and we ran to the Gate Room together. As we burst in, the General, Teal'c and Daniel all stared at us. We stood with them and both smiled sheepishly as we gasped for breath. "Nice of you two to join us. This is just a standard recon mission SG1. Normal regulations apply. The immediate Gate vicinity has been cleared by the MALP, and appears safe, but be on guard as always. Good luck" the General said. We all nodded and headed up the ramp and through the Gate.
On the other side, it all appeared clear, just as the MALP had proven. "Ok. Carter, collect your samples. Daniel, you go looking for your rocks as usual. And Teal'c, well you can come with me if you want, unless your interested in Daniel's rocks or Carter's sand?" Jack said. Teal'c nodded that he would go with him. "Wise choice my friend" he said as he patted Teal'c's shoulder. I smiled as I headed off to collect my, 'sand' as Jack called it. Daniel went in search of his, and I had to agree with Jack on that one, 'rocks'. I heard Teal'c asking Jack something. He always seemed to find a way to say something and, unintentionally, confuse Teal'c and lead into some even more confusing explanation for the Jaffa. It was funny to listen to though. Suddenly I heard Staff Weapons fire, and Jack shout something to Teal'c. I dropped my science equipment and ran to where I thought I heard them. In the distance, I saw some Goa'uld Serpent Guards firing at them. "Hit the deck!" Jack yelled as another shot came from the Serpent Guards. I heard him as the Staff Weapon blast hit him in the leg and he fell to the ground. "Colonel!" I shouted. "Daniel!" Where the hell was he?! We needed some backup. Finally, I saw him come from behind some trees. I started to run over and meet him, but the very edge of a Staff Weapon blast hit my leg. It was only a superficial wound. I knew. But it still hurt, and I fell. "Sam!" Daniel called as he ran to my side. "I'm ok. Only superficial. I'll be fine, really" I knew I would have to reassure him a million times, "Jack. He's hurt. Help him" I said. I knew *he* wasn't ok; otherwise he would've at least tried to get up. But he didn't. And I knew that meant he was obviously injured pretty badly. I struggled to my feet. I could feel the blood trickling into my boot, but not *too* much pain. So, I was right. Only superficial. The Goa'uld were slowly getting closer, and soon after, they were upon us. They knocked Teal'c down, took his Staff Weapon and mine and Daniel's gun. Jack was lying still on the ground. "On your knees!" one Serpent Guard commanded. Jack couldn't kneel. He tried, but was unsuccessful. One of the other Serpent Guards shot him with a Zat. "Jack!" I shouted again as he fell unconscious. They carried him and Teal'c, letting Daniel and I walk, to their large Goa'uld complex.
Shortly after we were dumped in a small room, Teal'c woke up and was his usual, fine, self. Jack, however, wasn't going to wake up so soon. I wrapped his jacket around his leg, to help slow the bleeding of the wound. Moments later, Apophis strolled into the room. We were all shocked and disheartened to find him alive, and holding us prisoners. "Tauri. How it pleases me to meet with you again. I see, O'Neill; will be in pain for some time. I shall make it more. I shall enjoy in watching him suffer. Take him!" Apophis commanded one of his guards. I couldn't just sit there and watch him be taken away from me, and have God-knows-what done to him. "NO! Take me! Leave him" I stood and said resolutely. Apophis looked at me conspicuously. "Why do you do this? Do you not wish to live as Tauri? I believe a Goa'uld has once possessed you? Do you not remember the unspeakable pain it caused you? Surely you do not wish to endure these feelings again?" Apophis asked, and almost sounded as though he cared for a minute, which kinda scared me. "I don't. But I have bigger feelings for him. And I don't want him to have to experience that pain. Take me" I repeated. Telling him how I felt, bad move! That'll make him want to take Jack more. Stupid Sam! Stupid! "No. You shall remain. He is to come. Take him!" He commanded again. I could have killed him, and myself. I looked on helplessly as the guards took Jack's unconscious body away to his demise. I walked over to the corner of the room and kicked and punched it as I cried. 'I'm so stupid! He might have taken me if I hadn't said I had feelings for Jack! Such an idiot! Stupid idiot!' I thought as I fell into the corner and scrunched my legs up to my chest and put my arms around them. I cried hard into my knees. I would never forgive myself.
A couple of hours later, a guard returned and said something, that I didn't hear, but I had to know if Jack was ok. Without thinking, I jumped to my feet and got out the knife they didn't find. I shoved into his chest and he fell to the ground. I was pleased to see he came alone. "Sam! Where are you going?" Daniel asked, clearly as shocked at my decision as I was. "To find Jack. I have to know if he is ok" I said. "Major Carter. I do not believe that Apophis would have taken O'Neill if he did not have something unpleasant awaiting his arrival" Teal'c said. I knew he was right, but I had to *know* for sure. "Sam. Teal'c's right. He probably isn't Jack anymore. I don't want to face that anymore than you do, but I think we might have to come to grips that he is probably a Goa'uld" Daniel explained. I wasn't interested, even though it probably was true. I had to find him and know for sure. "Well, I have to know for sure Daniel. Are you going to cover me or what?!" Daniel shrugged and got up with Teal'c and we silently made our exit, after Daniel checked the Serpent Guard and obtained a Zat from him. I took the Zat and gave Teal'c the knife. We searched through many rooms until I finally came to one containing Jack on a small bed. Daniel and Teal'c stood guard quietly outside the room. I had the Zat, and I would have to use it if I needed to. "Colonel. Sir. Jack!" I said as I shook him fervently. He finally stirred and turned to me. His eyes were so frightened and full of pain. I didn't know what to do or expect. "Sam" he whispered. "Jack. Are you... well... Jack?" I asked, fearing the worst. He nodded uncertainly. I immediately embraced him. He was so weak. I could feel it. He trembled in my arms. I knew he was scared, but I didn't know what of. "Jack..."
"Oh God! Sam. Stay away!" he shouted. I moved his face in front of mine and saw him battling with something. "Jack, what is it? What's..."
"Oh God. Stay away Sam! I don't want to hurt you. Stay...... Your friend is strong. But ultimately, I will triumph. He will not defeat me!" The Goa'uld yelled as his eyes glowed briefly. I gasped. I knew, deep down, that was what he was battling with, but didn't want to believe it. He collapsed to the ground and yelled in pain. "Oh God. Sam... no! Stay away. Kill it Sam! I don't want to hurt you. Please! Kill it!" Jack shouted as I knelt by his side and cried. "I can't do that Jack. I can't kill you!"
"You have to Sam! I can't fight it anymore! It's gonna win! I'll hurt someone! I don't want to hurt you! You have to kill it! It's the only way! Remember what happened with Kawalsky?! I don't want to do that! You, have to!"
"NO! I can't Jack!"
"I'm not going to be Jack for much longer. It's winning Sam. It's too strong. I can't beat....... I will conquer him! You would be wise to heed his advice. He *is* strong. But he will not defeat me!" The simbiote spoke again. I slid away and shot him with the Zat then went closer to him again. "Jack? Jack are you in there? I know there is still some of you left in there. Listen to me. Fight it. I know you are strong. Don't let it win. You *can* fight it! I know you can. Hold on!" I said. I knew he could hold it off. He turned his head to me. Suddenly the anger of the Goa'uld drained, and Jack's weak and pain-soaked expression returned. He managed to outstretch his arm to me. I took his hand. Daniel and Teal'c ran into the room, obviously wondering what was taking so long. "Sam? Jack!" Daniel exclaimed as he noticed us on the floor and ran toward us. "He's got a Goa'uld in him Daniel" I said. He stopped dead in his tracks. "Sam please. Kill it" Jack whispered as the Goa'uld slowly killed what was left of him. "You must do as he says Major Carter. The Goa'uld symbiote will soon take over what remains of the host. You must destroy it" Teal'c explained. I knew he was right. But I couldn't do it. I just couldn't kill him. There was still so much left unsaid between us. Still so many things we hadn't done. "If I do, can we send him to the Asguard?" I asked. "I do not know. Perhaps" Teal'c replied. "No! I don't want a 'perhaps'! I want a 'yes'! You said they brought the Alternate Reality General Hammond back to life after he was killed in the Alternate Reality. They could do the same here too, right?!"
"Yeah. That's right. They did. They probably could here too. Yeah! They could. But isn't it a bit risky, with the Goa'uld and everything?" Daniel asked. "Perhaps. But we must try" Teal'c said. "Sam. You're gonna have to trust that the Asguard will be able to" Daniel told me. I didn't really, but I couldn't sit there and watch a Goa'uld slowly take over Jack. I got up and let go of his hand. "Oh God!" he cried in pain. I turned my head away and fired the Zat at him. "Again Sam! NOW!" Jack yelled again. He still fought with the unimaginable pain the Goa'uld was inflicting on him. "I'm so sorry Jack. Please forgive me" I said. "I forgive you" I heard him say, before I fired the Zat at him again. His body convulsed from the shock it sent through him, and then was motionless. I stood completely still and didn't utter a sound. I couldn't believe what I had just done. I rushed to his side and turned him over. He was dead. He had to be. Amazingly, the simbiote died, and Jack was still alive. Just. "Jack! Is that really you?" I asked in astonishment. "Sam" he whispered hoarsely. "I love you" he said. "Jack?" I questioned hurriedly. His eyes slowly closed and his head fell into my lap. He was dead now. Tears streamed down my face and fell onto his. It was bad enough knowing I killed him, but it was worse knowing he died in my arms. "No! What have I done?!" I cried as I let my head fall onto his body. Daniel and Teal'c came and stood me up and Teal'c took Jack. We started to leave. Daniel took the Zat away from me, and on the way out of the vicinity shot a few Serpent Guards with it.
We made it home quickly, and once through the Gate I froze on the ramp. "What happened to Colonel O'Neill?" General Hammond asked as I stumbled down the ramp. "I killed him sir!" I cried before Daniel had a chance to explain. He led the General away and obviously told him the full story. My leg still hurt, and Daniel took me to the Infirmary. I cried while Janet wrapped some bandages around my ankle, where the blast hit, and not because what she was doing hurt, because of what I did to Jack hurt. Daniel took me to the Conference Room. I wasn't really capable of doing anything by myself. We all sat down and Daniel sat next to me, just to be sure, I didn't do anything stupid, which I probably would have. "Can you fix the device we used to contact the Asguard, Major?" General Hammond asked me. I didn't think I could, but Daniel voiced for me, by saying that I could and would get right onto it. What I really wanted to get onto was shooting myself. I guess that wouldn't have solved anything though.
"Come on Sam. You know what to do. You know how to fix this thing. I know you do. You did it with the Alternate Reality Sam. You can do it now too" Daniel encouraged. "She kissed him you know? Before he came back here. She kissed him. Before me. That bitch!" I said, and sounded as though I was drunk. "What?!" Daniel asked, not having a clue what I was on about. "The Alternate Reality Sam kissed him" I repeated. "Kissed who?" Daniel you idiot. Do you need me to spell it out!? "She kissed Jack! The Alternate Reality Sam kissed Jack!" I shouted. "Oh. Well so did you. And he's only going to be ok if you fix this thing! So, get fixing!" Daniel instructed. Suddenly I felt as though I could. I could do it now. Now that I had said all that, I knew I had to fix it; otherwise, I would never see or kiss Jack again. And I had to be able to kiss him. "Yeah! Right, all I have to do..." I leapt forward on my seat and started to tell Daniel everything I had to do. Even though I knew he didn't really know what I was talking about, I said it anyway. I heard him sigh emphatically as I raced through all the things I was doing and he watched on in amazement.
Two hours later, I had fixed the gadget and it was being hooked up to the main power volt. Finally, it was hooked up, and Teal'c had just walked through the Gate with Jack. It was a long wait, and it felt even longer for me. I paced the Gate Room, then the Control Room, and finally my room, just waiting for the Gate to activate and to see Jack walk through. I wanted to hold him. I needed to hold him, and feel him alive in my arms again.
Another half an hour later, and I heard the Stargate alarm go off. I rushed down to the Control Room. "Is it Teal'c?" I asked as I ran in. "I think so Major" the General answered. "You *think* so, sir?" I queried. "SG1 signal received sir." The Airman told him. He looked at me and smiled. I smiled weakly back. The Iris was open and I watched the shimmering centre of the Event Horizon as a figure stepped through. But only one. And it was Teal'c. I raced down to the Gate Room. "Where's Jack?!" I asked as he walked down the ramp. "The Asguard declare they require him to remain there for a small amount of time while they cure his injury. The Goa'uld inside of him will take time to remove. He will be fine Major" Teal'c explained. I almost felt like hitting him. "Well how do we know when we can go and get him? How do we know if he will be ok?!" I shouted. "The Asguard will send him here to us, just as they did for the Alternate Reality General Hammond. He will be safe and well Major Carter. Do not be concerned" Teal'c said calmly. 'Easy for you to say! You don't love him!' I thought as he left the Gate Room.
I waited patiently for three days. Until I couldn't wait anymore. "General Hammond! Don't you think we should go through the Gate and see if Jack is ok?" I asked as I burst unannounced into his office. I didn't notice I had used Jack's name. "Major. Colonel O'Neill will be fine. The Asguard have been very helpful to us in the past. I'm sure they wouldn't turn against us now" the General assured me. I knew he was right, but it just seemed he had been gone too long. I sighed and traipsed back to the Control Room to sit and wait. As I reached it, the Stargate alarm sounded and the Iris slid closed. No one else was in there, so I sat down in a chair in front of a computer screen and opened the Iris. Shortly after, and still nothing had come through. I was worried. The General didn't come into the Control Room to see who it was like he usually did either. I left the Control Room to the Gate Room. I stood at the end of the ramp and stared into the centre of the Gate. Waiting for someone or something to come through. Nothing did. A hand landed on my shoulder and I spun around. To my astonishment, it was Jack. He smiled warmly and I hugged him tightly. "Jack. I was so worried."
"I knew you would have been. You did the right thing though Sam. I don't want you to feel bad, because..." I cut him off by kissing him warmly. He smiled. "I'm guessing that means you won't then?"
"Shh. You're here now" I told him. We left the Gate Room together and headed back up to the Control Room. Daniel and Teal'c were already there waiting. "Well? Who..." Daniel asked before he gasped after seeing Jack follow me in. "Oh! We'll leave you two alone then" he said. He ushered Teal'c out and they both left. "Nice to see he's happy to see me" Jack quipped. The General walked over to us and smiled. "Good to have you back Colonel" he said. Jack smiled. "Glad to be back sir" he said. He smiled at me, but tried not to make it too obvious to the General he was glad to be able to see me. I knew he was. And he knew I knew. "Well, we're all glad to have you back Colonel. Get yourself down to the Infirmary and get Dr. Fraiser to check you out" the General instructed. "Thanks sir" Jack said. He and I left for the Infirmary.
"Good to see you Colonel. Here for a check up?" Janet asked as we walked in the Infirmary. "Yah" Jack smiled. I stared at him. I couldn't help it. His smile, his face, just him in general. It was so nice to see him. I just liked to look at him. He didn't notice while Janet checked him over, but the whole time, I stared at him. I don't *think* he noticed. He is so beautiful to me. Finally, Janet said he was fine, and not a Goa'uld anymore. I sighed as she confirmed that particular thing. I was so worried it might not have worked. But it did. We left the Infirmary after that. Jack said he was really tired. I could understand that, and told him to go and rest for a while. Reluctantly, he left and I headed off to the Labs to do some more tests on some new chemical I found in the sand on P5C 622.
"Hey Sam!" Daniel exclaimed as he came into the Lab to visit me. He startled me, and the Test Tube of liquid I held fell to the ground and shattered all over the floor. I cursed furiously. "That's a dangerous chemical Daniel! Help me clean it up! Quick!" I commanded. I didn't know what it could do if someone handled it, so I quickly handed Daniel some gloves and he put them on. Jack walked into the Lab and knelt on the floor next to the greenish liquid. "What's this?" he asked as he lowered his hand to the floor and touched to the greeny substance. "NO! Don't touch it Jack!" I yelled. But it was too late; he had some of the sticky liquid on his fingers. "Why..." I cut him off. "Wash it off! NOW!" I shouted. I really had no idea what it could do to someone. I grabbed his arm and pulled him over to a tap. I ran hot water over his hand, until it got too hot. "Ah! Hey! That's hot!" he exclaimed as he retorted his hand from under the water. "Sorry" I sighed. "What's up Sam?" Jack asked, clearly puzzled to my sudden reaction. "I'm sorry. I just don't know what that chemical could do to you. It's highly toxic, so I don't know if it can cause any permanent damage. Go and get Janet to check you over again" I explained, as I held back tears. "I'll be fine Sam. Don't worry" Jack consoled. I wished I was as sure as he seemed to be. I would never forgive myself if there was something in that chemical that could hurt him. I should have been more careful. I should have been more cautious. It's all my fault! Wait. I don't know if anything has happened yet. Hate myself later. Be worried now. "Come on Jack. We have to go now" I said. Daniel nodded he would stay and clean up. I pulled the plastic gloves off my hands and left with Jack for the Infirmary again.
"Well. It's nice to see you again, but so soon? What's up Colonel?" Janet asked as we proceeded over to her desk. "I spilt a dangerous chemical, from P5C 622 and Jack touched it. I don't know if it is dangerous to handle or not. That's what I was experimenting with. So I thought you should check him over" I explained. Janet looked at Jack for confirmation. He nodded and shrugged. "Oh well, on the bed then. You know the drill" Janet said, as Jack sat on one of the empty beds. I watched from a distance as she did a series of tests and took a blood sample. "I'll take this off to be tested" she saw my concerned features, "I'll tell you how it went as soon as I get the results back" she added with a reassuring smile my way. I managed to return a small, appreciative one for her as she left. "Come on Sam. Let's go" Jack said as he took my hand in his. I smiled unconvincingly as I gripped his hand tightly in mine and looked up at him. He smiled. I wished I could be so brave. So sure. But I just wasn't. I was so worried I was going to be the cause of more harm to him. I didn't want to live the rest of my life knowing it was my stupid mistake that caused him harm, or worse, his death. I didn't even want to think about that possibility. "Don't think like that!" Jack said. "What?"
"Don't think about what you were just thinking" he repeated in slightly more detail. "How do you know... what was I just thinking?" I changed my question, suddenly very curious as to wether or not he was just using that as a figure of speech, or if he was serious. "You were thinking that just by you dropping that chemical, I might die or something like that. You were thinking it was your fault. And it wasn't. It isn't! So don't think like that" he explained. "How the hell did you know I was thinking that? That is *exactly* what I was thinking. How did you know that?!" I asked incredulously. "I don't know. That was right?! You were actually thinking that?! How the hell did I know that?!" he questioned himself, which made me worry. "Don't worry. There's nothing to worry about" Jack said. "What?! How did you know I was thinking that?! This is freaky!"
"Tell me about it. I don't know how I knew that though. *I* didn't *know*. It's like, it just popped right into my head and I said it. I really didn't *know* what you thought, it's like something inside me knew. Are you starting to think this is odd yet?"
"Oh yeah. Janet!"
"What's up?" she asked as she walked over to us. "Jack is sort of having these, well, telekinetic sorta things going on. He knew exactly what I was thinking. And I mean, almost *exactly*!" I explained. "Are you sure it wasn't just a fluke, or a coincidence? Alright Colonel,
what am I thinking right now?" she asked. "You're thinking that I... WHAT?! You've gotta be kiddin' me?!" Jack exclaimed. Janet blushed. "Ok, ok!"
"Were you actually, seriously thinking that?!" Jack asked again. "Yes. Now back to the topic."
"I'm sorry, but I'm finding it *extremely* hard to believe that you were actually thinking that! I mean seriously! You weren't just thinking it to make sure I could really tell what you were thinking? Were ya?" Jack smiled. "No! Now can we focus on the topic here?!" Janet exclaimed, clearly embarrassed about whatever she was thinking. I was momentarily interested, but lost it fast. "Sorry" Jack muttered, with a little chuckle under his breath. "I'll get the results from that blood sample soon. Until then, you'll just have to wait around, and try not to hear what people are thinking. Huh?!"
"Sure. But I can't help it. That's pretty much all I can hear. Peoples' thoughts. I'll try" Jack replied.
We went back to the Lab and found Daniel and Teal'c still cleaning up the mess. I heard Jack chuckle as we walked into the room after passing one of the female officers. I glared at him, he put on a straight face, but as soon as I turned away, like a school kid after a teacher had just chastised them, he started laughing again. "What's up with him?" Daniel asked as Jack wandered off a little way. "That chemical obviously has some sort of telekinetic power in it" I began. "You mean he knows what everyone is thinking?" Daniel asked incredulously. I nodded. His expression turned extremely confused, and almost worried, at knowing Jack knew exactly what he was thinking. I almost felt like laughing at Daniel's expression, but managed to contain it to a small grin. I suddenly heard a crash from the other side of the Lab. Daniel and I ran to the source of the noise and saw numerous Test Tubes broken on the bench. I looked to the floor and saw Jack, surrounded by glass fragments from other Test Tubes. "Jack!" I exclaimed as I fell to his side. "Jack? Can you hear me? Get Janet!" Daniel raced off to the Infirmary. I checked for Jack's pulse. Nothing. Worry was setting in now, big time! And it was all my fault. I would never forgive myself. "What happened?" Janet asked as she ran over to me. "I don't know!" I replied. "Get him to the Infirmary! Now! Let's go!" Daniel and Teal'c lifted Jack and we all headed off for the Infirmary.
Once we reached it, Jack's T-shirt and jacket were removed and a Heart Monitor was hooked up to his chest. Currently, it sounded a unending beep. A nurse wheeled over a defibrillator and handed the two paddles to Janet and she rubbed some clear gel onto them before placing them on Jack's chest. "Let's go for 250" she said. The machine hummed as it charged up, before Janet shouted, "Clear!" A jolt from the machine was distributed through Jack's body and I winced in sympathy pain and concern. "Let's try again at 300" Janet said. There was another jolt from the machine into Jack, and the steady rhythm of a heart beat replaced the constant ring of the Heart Monitor. I sighed, but I was sure my face was still covered in concern. I fell into the chair behind me, and a few lonely tears escaped my eyes. I let them trail down my face as Janet checked all of Jack's vitals and confirmed them all 'ok'. Not fine, good, great, but 'ok'. That didn't provide me with any relief. I stood up and stared at him. His face was pale and drained of life. I cried more. "He'll be ok Sam. Don't worry too much, ok?" Janet said as she rubbed my back comfortingly. Daniel and Teal'c left quietly. "You can come and check out those results if you like Sam. Sam? Sam?!" Janet said. I was completely absorbed in my thoughts. "Sorry" I whispered. "Results? Sure, I'll come." Janet looked at me watchfully. I could tell, she was worried about me, and I was thankful she cared so much, but I was too worried about Jack to think about it very long. She led the way, and we walked to a computer screen. Janet clicked through some programs, until the results appeared on the screen. It was all in 'only-doctors-can-understand' writing, so I let her read it while I darted my eyes back over to Jack. "Well. It's looks as though that chemical of yours has some pretty powerful stuff in it. Either that, or it was something he ate" Janet said. "Well? What sort of powerful stuff?" I asked anxiously. "Stuff like highly toxic chemicals, that *could* cause some pretty serious damage" she replied. I think she was afraid I might break down and cry if she told me exactly what the chemicals were, and I think she was right, so I left it at that amount of detail. "Sam?" she asked, after what seemed a long time of silence. "Could it kill him?" I asked her instantly. "I'm not sure. Possibly, but...." I didn't hear the rest. I ran back over to Jack's bed and fell into the chair next to it and cried. I didn't even want to know what she was going to say. "Jack? Jack can you hear me? I hope so. If you can, please wake up soon. Tell me you're going to be all right. Better yet, actually be all right. I don't even want to.... Oh, Jack! I've only had you for such a short time, and already I might lose you! It's not fair!" I cried into my hands and collapsed my head onto the side of the bed. "Please be ok." I whispered as I managed to drag my head out of my hands and look at him again. Suddenly I felt a hand on my shoulder. I spun my head around and saw Daniel. "Hey" he said softly as he placed a chair next to mine and sat in it. "Hi Daniel" I replied. "You're in love with him aren't you?" Daniel asked. I thought he already knew. I thought when he saw me kiss him that would have given it away. Obviously, I was wrong. Maybe he thought I just wanted to kiss him. I did. Oh, but I wanted so much more. I still do. "Yeah. I am" I said. I turned to face him, and see his reaction, if there was one. He smiled gently. "He'll be ok Sam" he said confidently. "I wish I could be so sure."
"Sam. Trust me. He will" he said resolutely. I nodded uncertainly. I wanted to believe him. I wanted to have full faith in what he said. But I just couldn't. There was always something in me saying, 'there is a possibility he won't be Sam. You have to face that'. It was only a small part, but, well, I guess it was just preparing me for the possibility, which was good. I needed to accept it, because if I didn't, then I might soon find it becoming reality. I told myself repeatedly, 'he will be ok. You have to believe it!' "Yeah" I said finally. "I'll come back and see him again later. Stay positive for me Sam. And Jack. Stay positive for Jack" Daniel smiled as he rubbed my shoulder and then left. I turned my attention back over to Jack, and saw him waking up slowly. I smiled and lent forward, closer to the bed. "Hi there" I said softly. He turned his head to face me and smiled bravely. Clearly, he was in pain. "How do you feel?" I asked. "Ok" he replied hoarsely. 'Ok huh? He must be pretty bad then' I thought. I smiled. Jack closed his eyes tightly as pain obviously hit him unannounced. I didn't say anything. I didn't think I should. And even if I did, I didn't know what to say. I watched as he tried, fruitlessly, to control the pain. "Jack? Are you going to be ok?" I asked after a minute of watching him struggle with the pain. He nodded weakly, in replacement of talking. I knew that probably meant he didn't want to talk, in fear his words would turn into cries of agony. He closed his eyes again, and I silently got up and found Janet. "Janet. Is there some sort of pain killer you can give Jack?" I asked. "Did he ask?" Janet queried. "No" I began, "but I can see he's...."
"I'm sorry Sam. I can't give him any drugs unless he specifically asks for them himself. Rules. I'm sorry" Janet explained. "But, he's in pain. I can see he is. Anyone with eyes could! And he won't ask for drugs, cos he's too stubborn. And cos he can hardly talk anyway. Please Janet!" I begged. Janet was about to start the, 'I can't unless he asks' thing again, before we both heard a penetrating cry from someone, who we presumed was Jack. We both raced over to his bed and saw him as he battled with continuous agony. "Jack? Jack have some pain killers. Have something to help" I begged him. He shook his head. "No" he managed. "Jack please. You don't have to suffer. You can get some relief. Please" I said. Tears escaped my eyes and trailed down my face. "Colonel, Sam's right. Just tell me you want some pain killers, and I'll give them to you. But I can't unless you say you want them. Please Colonel. You don't have to suffer" Janet repeated. Jack shook his head weakly again. "Oh God!" he cried as he arched his back off the bed to try and control the pain. I turned away. I couldn't stand there and watch him suffer like that. More tears escaped my eyes and trailed down my face. I heard more painful cries from him, until I couldn't handle it anymore. "Janet, please! Just give him something to help with the pain! Please Janet" I pleaded. She looked tentative, but eventually she nodded her consent. She took a syringe from the draw in the bed-side table and filled it with pain killers. She pulled back the sheets and inserted the syringe into Jack's arm. Slowly she pushed the plunger down and the liquid was distributed through his body. He sighed as the drug was carried through him, and relief was provided. "Thank you" I said. Janet nodded then left. I sat back down on the chair I was previously in. Jack turned his head to face me. "Thank you" he whispered. "It's ok" I said and smiled. He smiled back bravely, but I knew he was still in pain, even if not as much as before because of the drugs. I sat forward, on the edge of my chair, and looked deep into Jack's intensely brown eyes. I raised my hand to his face and rested it on his cheek. He closed his eyes. Not because of pain though. Just because it seemed appropriate. I brushed some lonely strands of his short hair away from his face and smiled. I stroked his face softly, like you would with a little baby you were putting to bed and they couldn't sleep. That's kind of how it felt. Not that he was a baby, but that I was sort of helping to make him feel a little better, and some relief from the pain. I liked to think I was helping. I felt as though I needed to help. Fix the problem I caused to happen in the first place. I couldn't lose him. I'd go insane without him. It was like he was my air. And if he was taken away, so would my air, and then I'd die too. I know people in dramatic movies and TV shows say that all the time, 'he's my sun, my moon. My everything!' stuff like that. And as corny as it sounds, that's how I feel. I feel as though he is, no, he *is* my everything. I know how stupid it sounds, but it's true. For me. I feel as though if they, (I don't why I say, 'they') take him away from me, it's like they're reaching inside me, and ripping out my heart and showing it to me. Standing there in front of me and holding it out to me, as though saying, 'it's here, why don't you take it back?' And I don't take it back, because I'm dying in front of them. I can't even move. As I wake up from my thoughts, I find my hand still on Jack's face, and he's fallen asleep. The effects from the drugs have taken over now. I'm glad. I hated to see him suffer like that. I let my fingers run through the short strands of his hair. It's soft, and feels nice between my fingers. I smile briefly. It's like he's sort of.... I don't even know, but, when I'm with him, and he looks so, peaceful, I just smile uncontrollably. I feel so safe. And I don't really know why. But I do. He makes me happy, even when he's sleeping. Slowly I find, I too, am falling asleep.
"Sam. Sam!" Who's calling me, and why?! I was just having the nicest dream, consisting of one person, and one person only. I think most people would be able to guess who it was. But as I open my eyes, I find Janet shaking me fervently. I blink my eyes into fucus, signalling that I'm awake and she can stop shaking me. I rub my eyes to make them adjust to the light. It takes a moment, but finally everything is clear. Not blurry anymore. "Hi sleepy head" Janet smiled as she saw I was waking up and coming into contact with the real world, and not dreamland. "Hi" I said, still giving my eyes a little more of a rub. "You slept here all night last night" Janet told me, as though I was supposed to think that was so amazing. I guess I did, sort of. "Wow. I don't remember falling asleep. I remember when Jack did though" I smiled, as I looked at him next to me, still asleep. Janet smiled. "You love him don't you?" she asked unexpectedly. "Mmm hmm. What gave it away?" I asked sarcastically, but with an unmistakable grin. Janet smiled. "Oh, I guess the fact that you're so worried about him you slept next to his bed all night" she said. "And cos I remember when you told me all about how you feel for him" she added audaciously. I smiled again. "Is he going to be alright?" I asked as my concern took over. "I don't know Sam. It's too hard to tell right now. But I think the pain will be hanging around longer than he would like. In other words, I think it'll over stay it's welcome. Not that it ever was welcome in the first place" Janet explained. "The drugs will help though. Right?" I questioned. "Sure. For a little while. I can't overdose him on drugs Sam. That'll probably cause more damage than whatever it is in that chemical. I can up the dosage a little, if the pain is just too much to bear, but that's it. Stay positive Sam. I think he should be ok" she said confidently. I nodded uncertainly and she left. I turned to Jack once more. "Keep sleeping baby. I'll be back" I whispered. I needed a shower, and a coffee, big time!
After a much needed hot shower, I headed back to the Infirmary with my coffee. When I got there, Daniel had occupied my seat, but I didn't mind. I sat on the one next to it. "Hey Daniel" I said as I sat down. "Oh, hi Sam" he replied. He sounded a little; I couldn't pick exactly what it was, but a little worried about something. "What's up Daniel? You look like something is wrong?" I decided to ask. "Well, to tell you the truth Sam, there is something worrying me. Jack hasn't woken up yet. And I've been here for, ooh, at least forty five minutes. Did he wake up while you were here?" Wow. I had been gone that long. I guess I did have a pretty long shower. Still, it didn't seem like *that* long. Guess it was. "No. I woke up, and he was still asleep, so I thought I'd go and have a shower while he was sleeping. I thought he'd be awake when I got back. But I didn't realise I was gone that long actually" I replied; now also feeling worried. "Well maybe..." too late for whatever he was going to say. "Janet! Come over here a minute" I called. She came over to us. "What's up?" she asked. "Jack hasn't woken up yet. We're starting to get a bit worried" Daniel explained. "Oh. Well, there could be any number of reasons for that. He might just be tired, which would be quite natural, considering all the pain he was in. It could just be the drugs. They do make most people drowsy, especially such a high dosage. I really wouldn't worry. He'll probably wake up soon" she explained. After seeing Daniel's expression, and mine she added, "If he doesn't wake up within about an hour, then come and tell me." We nodded and she left. I didn't feel any relief, but Daniel obviously thought it all made sense. "She's right Sam. I mean, with the drugs and everything, he's probably just really tired. I'll come back in about twenty minutes and see how he's doing. Don't worry" he added before also leaving. "Jack. You have to wake up soon ok? I'm really scared. I hate feeling this way. I have to know you're all right. Please wake up and tell me you are. Soon" I said. I sat forward on my chair, and combed my fingers through his hair again. It still felt soft as ever going in between my fingers.
After a little while, /which felt like much longer/ I got up to go and get another coffee. Daniel passed me on the way and asked if I wouldn't mind getting him one too. Of course, I said I would, and he went to the Infirmary while I fetched the coffee. When I got back to the Infirmary, I found Daniel talking, but I didn't know who to until I got closer. Jack. He was talking to Jack. I sighed. I put the coffees down on the bed-side table and hugged Jack. He smiled and so did I. As I released him, I looked into his eyes again, like I had the night before. I saw the same eyes. The same intensely brown eyes staring into mine. That made me feel so safe again. I kissed him warmly. Daniel sighed. I didn't care. Finally, we separated. I smiled again and sat down. I handed Daniel his coffee and he took it from my hand. "I was so worried" I said. "I know" Jack said, "Daniel told me."
"Hey Jack, do you still know what everyone is thinking?" Daniel asked. "Don't think so. Think something" he replied. "Ok. What am I thinking?" Daniel asked. Jack thought a moment. "No idea" he confirmed. Daniel sighed. Obviously thinking something odd, I guessed. He usually thought weird things. "That's great!" I said. "Maybe that means you're going to be ok."
"I wasn't going to be ok?" Jack asked, and I realised I hadn't told him about the results of his blood sample. "Oh. Well, uh, Janet told me about the results of your blood sample. She said the chemical was, just like I thought, highly toxic, and could cause a fair bit of damage" I explained, suddenly feeling really horrible. "Oh. Thanks for telling me" Jack said. I wasn't quite sure if he was kidding or serious. I took it as serious. Just to be sure. He had every right to be pissed off with me for not telling him though. I mean, after all, it was concerning his life. I guess I was so busy worrying, I just forgot to tell him. 'Stupid thing to do Sam!' My brow was furrowed in concentration as I mentally abused myself. I didn't even notice Daniel left. I stared at the ground, not because I was trying to avoid eye contact with Jack, but because I was so deep in thought. "Hey" he said. "Hmm? What?" I asked, looking up from the floor, slightly startled. "You looked miles away. I was just wondering what you were thinking about?" Jack asked. "Oh. Nothing" I lied. Dammit! Why did I do that?! "Oh. Sam. You think I'm angry, with you. Don't you?"
"No! No, why would I.... yeah. Yeah I thought you were angry with me, but I don't anymore." Good save. Not very convincing, but creative none the less. "Good. Cos I'm not. I wasn't. And I'm not going to be" he said. It made me feel better. I smiled. He smiled back, and I was glad. God how I love that smile. It's so... so... gorgeous. Just like the rest of him. 'Oh, stop it Sam!' I thought. I was getting carried away. AGAIN! I lent over and kissed him softly. "I love you so much" I whispered. "I love you too" he replied. We parted our lips and smiled at each other as I sat back on my chair.
"General" I said as he walked over to us. "Major. Colonel. How are you feeling?"
"Ok. Thank you sir" Jack said. At least he didn't overdo the, 'I'm fine, I feel just great' thing. "That's good Colonel. Dr. Fraiser taking good care of you I suspect?"
"Good. Well, sorry, but just a brief visit today. I hope you're feeling better soon Colonel" the General said as he left. I sighed. I thought maybe he'd picked up on all the things that had been happening between us and was going to say something. I suppose he'd wait until Jack was better to do that. "Jack... I uh... well... I was wondering..." I stopped. I don't know why. "I'm listening" he said. "I was wondering, before, when you knew what everyone was thinking... what did Janet think?"
"What, specifically? I only saw her a few times, I don't really remember exactly everything she thought."
"No, no, I mean, when she said, 'what am I thinking?' you know? Just to make sure that you could actually hear what people were thinking. Remember?"
"Oh! Then!" he chuckled slightly, "then. Hmm... well... do you really wanna know? You'll laugh. Guarantee you'll laugh. Either that, or you'll go completely hysterical. Are you sure you wanna know?" he asked again. Could it have been that bad? That funny? I guess so. That made me want to hear it more. I nodded. "Well... she thought... uh...."
"Come on Jack. Spit it out!" I said impatiently. "Oh for cryin' out loud! She thought I had a cute butt!" I sat shocked. No, not shocked. Surprised more than anything. I couldn't believe it. I mean, no, I could believe it, I knew he had a cute ass. As if I hadn't noticed! But I didn't think Janet noticed! I mean, Janet! Of all people! I smiled to myself. 'Well, I guess she does notice cute guys then' I thought. "I'll be right back" I smiled. "Sam! Don't you dare tell her I told you that! Sam!" I ignored him. There was no way I could leave that alone. I had to talk to her about it. "Janet" I said as I walked around to her desk. "Yeah?" she said as she raised her head. "I thought you didn't notice guys around here?!" I asked incredulously. "What do you mean? Since when don't I notice guys?"
"No. You didn't hear what I said. I said, since when do you notice guys, *around here*?" I asked again. She blushed. "Well... I.... a girl's gotta look sometimes!" she exclaimed. "Oh yeah! Of course. But I mean, a certain someone. Someone I didn't think you noticed?!" I smiled deviously. I was going to enjoy watching her trying to squirm out of this one. "Wha... oh. Oh! You mean, what I thought about..."
"Yeah. What you thought about Jack. Little miss 'I-don't-look-at-anyone-around-here'. 'I-didn't-really-notice'. Little miss, 'Colonel-O'Neill? I-haven't-really-had-a-good-look'! Hah!"
"All right, all right! I get the point. So I think he's cute. Who doesn't?!"
"What? You're saying more of the women around here look at my Jack?!"
"Yeah. *Your* Jack?"
"Yes! He's mine! So you can tell *the others*, they can't have him!" I said possessively. Janet smiled. "He's mine now."
"I know. And I'm sure you'll make each other very happy" she said. "We will. We will" I smiled. "Janet" I said as she got up to leave. She turned back to me. "Yeah?"
"He will be ok, won't he?" Janet walked back over to me a placed her hand on my shoulder. "I'm confident" she said. "Confident. Meaning, you *think* he will?" I asked. "Well, yeah. It's all speculative stuff. I'm not absolutely certain, but I'm definitely not thinking he won't. Stay positive Sam. I'll do the best I can."
"Yeah. I know you will Janet. Thanks" I smiled weakly. She saw how uncertain I was, but didn't say anything more and left. I returned to Jack, whom I found had dozed again. 'The drugs' I thought. I sat down again. I looked at the time, and found it was a lot later than I thought. 22:37. Wow! Maybe Jack fell asleep because he was tired then. I really didn't realise it was that late. Without any notice, I fell asleep.
"NO! Don't take him! NO! JACK!!"
"Sam. Sam! Sam wake up. It's ok Sam." I woke up and saw Daniel's blurred outline in front of me. "You were dreaming" he told me as he noticed I was coming into the real world. I shook my head to make myself wake up. "What?" I asked. "You were yelling in your sleep. You were just dreaming. I thought I'd better wake you up, or else you might have woken up Jack" Daniel explained. I looked at Jack in the bed in front of where I sat and smiled. He was ok. Thank God! It *was* just a dream. It seemed so real though. But it wasn't. Good. "Yelling?" I asked dazedly. I still wasn't properly awake yet, but I was getting there. "Yeah. Must have been some dream you were having. You were starting to get pretty loud, and you sounded really scared. What were you dreaming about? Do you remember?" Daniel asked. "Yeah. I remember. I was yelling because in my dream, the Goa'uld were about to kill Jack" I said softly, as tears escaped my eyes. I didn't really
know why though. I guess it was because it seemed so real. And it was so hard to deal with. But it was only a dream. I knew that. It was just so real. So... horrifying. "Sorry" I said as I wiped the tears from my eyes and left the Infirmary. I walked down a corridor and let more of the tears escape my eyes as I realised, 'Jack might die. It's not very likely, but... he might.' It wouldn't be like having someone physically picking him up and taking him away, but he would be taken away from me. I couldn't face that possibility as I stumbled down the corridors. I lent on the wall for support as tears overcame my eyes and I could hardly see. "Major Carter? What is the trouble?" I heard Teal'c. I looked up and saw his distorted contour through my teared eyes. "Hi Teal'c" I said casually, as though I wasn't the one leaning on a wall for support as I cried. "Is there something upsetting you Major?" Teal'c asked again. I shook my head. "No. Nothing at all."
"Then why is it you shed tears?"
"Oh. Nothing" I said. Teal'c put his hand on my shoulder comfortingly. I fell into him without realising it. He must have been shocked. I almost shocked myself. He rested his hand softly on my back as I cried into his shoulder. After a minute, I regained my composer and stood back from him. "Thanks Teal'c. I needed that" I smiled weakly. "You are welcome Major Carter" he replied and dipped his head slightly. I smiled again, and then left.
"Sam. Are you ok?" Daniel asked as I walked back into the Infirmary. "Yeah. I am now. Sorry" I replied. "It's ok. I'm sorry for asking about your dream. It must have been pretty realistic huh?"
"Yeah. Yeah it was" I said. "Sorry."
"It's ok Daniel. It's not your fault. I just wish I could be as confident as Jack and everyone else. I mean you all seem so sure he'll be fine, but, well, I just can't help thinking that he might not be. I want to believe he'll be fine. I really do. But, there is always this one part of me that tells me he might not. And I keep trying to ignore it, but it's always there, nagging at me. As though it's trying to prepare me. I hate it. I want it to go away, but it won't. It just won't leave me alone. He will be ok though, won't he?" I had been asking everyone that a lot lately. I can't rely on other people to keep telling me he'll be fine, when I myself, don't fully believe he will. "Of course he will Sam. He'll be fine real soon. You just wait and see" Daniel told me confidently. People must be tired of telling me that by now. Why couldn't I just tell myself and believe it?! I wish I knew, but I didn't. "Hi Jack" Daniel said. I turned to Jack and saw him waking up. I sat down. "Hey" Jack said sleepily. "Hi" I said. "How do you feel?"
"Ok" he replied, as he rubbed his eyes. "Oh" I sighed. I thought he would be feeling a heap better by now. That was stupid though. He wasn't going to just, get better over night. "Oh?" Daniel asked. "Well... uh... yeah. I'll be back in a minute" I said suddenly and started to leave. "Sam!"
"Sorry Daniel. I'll come back in a little while" I called back as I left. "Sam" Jack said. He knew I heard him. I almost stopped, but I couldn't. I kept walking and left. I heard Daniel call me again too, but I ignored him. I didn't know why I left. I didn't have to. I didn't need to. I could have just said why I said "oh". I could have said I thought he would be feeling better by now. But it sounded so stupid. As if he would be better by now!? He wasn't just going to magically get better overnight. I went back into the Infirmary and sat down where I was before. "Sorry" I said. Both men smiled. It was nice to have such good friends like them. And a lover like Jack. He was so understanding. Granted, not all the time. But who could be understanding *all* the time? It would get on your nerves after a while. It would make me sick. Still, I was lucky to have such great people in my life. Not all people were that lucky. "Sam. Are you ok?" Jack asked. He was asking me if I was ok? I should be the one asking him that. Not the other way around. "Sure" I said. "Are you sure?" Daniel inquired. "Yeah. Why?"
"Just wondering" he replied. "Just wondering huh? Why do you both suddenly seem so worried about me? If anything, I should be worried about you!" I said as I gestured at Jack. "We're allowed to be worried about you aren't we?" Daniel questioned. Sure, they were allowed to. But they both seemed a little *too* worried about *me*. They were both acting a little strange actually. Could they? Oh, God I hope not. "You're both Goa'ulds aren't you?!" I asked disbelievingly. "No!" Daniel shouted. They were! They had to be. Otherwise, why would they both be acting so strange? "Stay away from me! Both of you!" I said as I got up quickly and backed away from them. "Sam? What's wrong with you?! We're not Goa'uld!" Daniel exclaimed. Seemingly puzzled. I didn't believe him. Goa'uld were the best actors I'd ever seen. "Just stay away from me then! No! Don't get up! Stay there!" I said as he started to get up. "Sam? Are you sure you're all right?" Jack asked. "I'm fine! What about you, huh? You're not all right! God, I should have seen it coming! I'm so stupid! Well, don't expect me to care about you anymore! No way! Boy was I dumb, thinking you were all sick and going to die! Hah! Die. No way. You're a goddamn Goa'uld! You're not going to die. I hate you!" I screamed at Jack. He looked shocked and scared, but again, Goa'uld are good actors. I wasn't falling for it though. I left the Infirmary. "Sam! Don't!" Jack cried as I left the Infirmary. He leapt forward to get up, and fell to the floor. Daniel knelt by his side and helped him, but then I had left. The were certainly acting very well for me, but I wasn't going to fall for it. I went straight to the Armoury and got a Zat. So I could hide it, and I wouldn't look conspicuous. I headed back to the Infirmary. I wasn't going to let them leave the SGC alive. So, they were going to have to be killed in the Infirmary. By me. I snuck into the Infirmary quietly. Janet was over beside the bed with Daniel and Jack. Well, they weren't Daniel and Jack anymore. "Stay away from them Janet! They're Goa'uld!" I shouted as I slowly progressed over to them. She stepped back from the bed quickly. "How do you know?" she asked. "I know" I said. She trusted me and left just to be safe. "Well. Are you going to tell me your real names then?" I asked. "You know our names Sam. We're not Goa'uld" Daniel said. I got out the Zat from my jacket. He stepped back. "Don't use that Sam. You'll regret it" he said. Oh yeah, I'll bet I'd regret it. Killing a Goa'uld, now there's something to regret. Huh! Jack sat up in his bed. "Please Sam. Believe us. We're not Goa'uld. Why do you think we are?" he asked. "Why?! Because.... I don't need to tell you why! I don't answer to Goa'ulds. Go to hell!" I exclaimed. "Been there. Not exactly friendly. Please Sam. What do we have to do to convince you we're not Goa'uld?" Jack said. It sounded like Jack. It looked like Jack. Maybe it was Jack. No! That's what they want me to think! 'Don't give in to them Sam' I thought. I shot Jack with the Zat. I didn't want him to talk to me. He fell back onto the bed. If it was really him, then he wouldn't just wake up again. Would he? I didn't know. "Sam! Stop it! That's Jack. You love him, and you just shot him! What the hell is wrong with you?!"
"Nothing! Absolutely nothing, whoever you are."
"I'm Daniel. Your friend. Not your enemy." I aimed the Zat at Jack again. "No! Don't do it Sam! Don't shoot him! He's not a Goa'uld. Neither am I. Please don't Sam!"
"Why should I trust you?"
"Why? Because I'm your friend. And I know, if you shoot him, then you will hate yourself for the rest of your life. Especially when Dr. Fraiser does a test, and proves to you, we are NOT Goa'uld. If you don't believe me, then, so be it. But I really hope you do. Because otherwise, you are about to kill the man you love. And you will never see him again" Daniel explained, as he slowly walked closer to me. I trembled furiously. I was so confused. Was it just a Goa'uld playing with my mind? Trying to make me believe it was Jack, and then turning on me when I don't end up shooting him? Or is it Daniel? Telling me not to shoot Jack, because if I do, then I *will* hate myself for the rest of my life for killing the man I love? Or shooting him, and then finding out it was him, and that I just killed him? I don't know what to do. What am I supposed to do? Trust my friend, whom I don't know 100% is my friend? Or believe my instincts, that he is a Goa'uld and shoot Jack. Even if he is Goa'uld, I still love him. I can't shoot him. I closed the Zat gun and dropped it. Daniel walked closer to me and picked it up. He stepped back. Obviously scared I might still hurt him. Jack was motionless on the bed. I was worried. I walked over to him and shook him. "Jack? Jack are you ok?" I asked. Slowly he turned his head toward me. "Why did you shoot me? Don't you trust me?" he asked. "Of course I trust you. I'm sorry. I sensed a Goa'uld. And, I still do. Are you sure you're not a Goa'uld?" I asked. "Yeah. Definitely no Goa'uld in me" he said, smiling bravely as he recovered from being shot with the Zat. "Ah, but I, however am a Goa'uld!" Daniel's eyes glowed as he aimed the Zat at us and his voice changed significantly. "Daniel! You are a Goa'uld?!" I shouted in disbelief. He was using Jack to get to me. And it worked. How could I have been so stupid?! "Away from the bed!" he commanded. I stepped back. He shot Jack with the Zat. "NO!" I yelled as I ran toward him. "Go no further!" Daniel instructed. I stopped. I didn't want him to shoot Jack again. "Raise your hands above your head!" I did. "You don't want to do this Daniel. You know you don't" I said. He didn't want a bar of it. "Insolence! I will not seize orders from you! Go!" he gestured for me to walk in front of him. He went and grabbed Jack and pulled him off the bed and carried him as I walked in front of him. We passed a few people on the way to the Control Room. Some of them spoke to Daniel, and he shot them with the Zat. The ones that didn't speak, he left alone. He stopped at the armoury and got a Staff Weapon on the way.
We reached the Control Room, and he typed in an address, after shooting a few more people with the Zat. The Gate started dialling, and we headed down to the Gate Room. Daniel disintegrated a few Airmen on the way down and once in the Gate Room, we waited for the Gate to dial wherever we were going. I didn't know why we were doing this, and how Daniel had become a Goa'uld in the first place. Or where. Or when. It was all too confusing. Finally, Jack woke up, and Daniel pushed him forward. He was still so weak, he fell. I knelt beside him. "Are you ok?" I asked hesitantly. He'd been shot twice with that Zat in one day, of course he wasn't ok! "I don't think so" he said. "I don't think I can walk. Let him kill me Sam. If I'm slow, then he'll kill both of us. Just let him kill me, ok?" he whispered, like I was just going to sit there and say 'sure, I'll let him kill you'. "No way Jack! I'm not just going to sit here and forget the way I feel about you and let him kill you! Forget it!" I exclaimed. "Silence!" Daniel shouted as he smiled fraudulently. "I shall have to kill one of you before we depart. Which one of you shall it be?"
He asked us which one of us would it be. Like we were both just going to jump up and say, 'oh sure, you can kill me!' and fight over who was going to be killed. I wasn't going to let Jack be killed again. In front of me. I had killed him before, and I wasn't going to let him be killed again. "Me. Kill me" I said. "No! No, kill me! You know you want to. You wanted to see Sam kill me back there. Didn't you? But you really wanted to do it yourself. That's why you stopped her. Because you wanted to do it. I'm right aren't I?" There was a deafening silence for a moment. "I thought so. Kill me" Jack said. Daniel raised the Staff Weapon and aimed it at Jack. He stood up carefully, and nearly fell over again, but managed to stay standing. Daniel almost looked like he didn't want to kill him. As though he remembered how good a friends they were, even though they argued all the time, it was like he knew. He knew and he didn't *really* want to kill him. I looked up to the Control Room and saw the General and Teal'c standing there watching. They couldn't do anything, or Daniel might turn on all of us. It was safer the way it was. Yeah right! Safer. He was about to kill Jack. And that was supposed to be safe?! "Jack no. Don't do this" I said, putting my hand on his leg from where I sat next to him on the ramp. He put his hand down on mine. "Sorry Sam. Remember, I'll always love you" he told me calmly. "I will. Don't you ever forget I love you too. Ok?"
"I won't" he replied. "Don't fire the weapon Dr. Jackson! I will be forced to open fire!" General Hammond called into the microphone. Daniel looked up to where he heard the sound come from. Jack ran. Daniel turned and yelled, "Stop!" Jack ignored him and Daniel shot him in the leg with the Staff Weapon. He fell. I heard him scream in pain. He tried to get up and run, but he couldn't. I thought I should stay where I was, in case Daniel tried to shoot me too. Jack amazingly managed to get up and he turned to me. He reached out to me with his hand as he trembled. Daniel shot him in the chest. He cried again and fell to the ground. He wouldn't get up again. I ran off the ramp over to him. Daniel didn't stop me. He ran through the Stargate. I knelt beside Jack. "Jack! Oh God no! NO!" I yelled as I saw the gaping injury in his chest. Janet and a medical team flocked into the Gate Room and started performing CPR there. There was blood all over the ground, and it was pouring from his body, pooling around him. I could see most of his insides, on the outside. It was horrible. "Jack. I love you Jack. Please be ok. Please Janet. Save him. Don't let him die. I need him!" I said. They stabilized him shortly after and rushed him off to the OR. I hadn't realised Daniel had gone until a while later.
I sat in the Infirmary and waiting for some word on Jack, but I heard no such word. The next morning I woke up in the Infirmary. I paced up and down the hallways and corridors while I waited. Finally, Janet traipsed over to me. "He's dying Sam. He wants to see you" she said simply. In a bed in a lonely room, lay Jack. Still bleeding, and with that many bandages wrapped around him, I could hardly see him. He had been shot more than just once in the leg and chest. Other Staff Weapon blasts had half hit him. I couldn't believe he was still alive as I walked over to his bed and sat down. "Sam" he said, I strained to hear his voice, it was so weak. "Oh Jack. So many things we still haven't done. Haven't said. I'll never love anyone else. I'll always love you" I told him. "Sam. I'll... always love... you too. Please... don't, blame... yourself" Jack managed to tell me. "I won't" I said. "Good. Cos.. It... Isn't, your.... fault."
"I know. I know" I whispered as I held his weak hand firmly. "Sam. I... love, you. Please, promise me... you'll, never... forget."
"I won't. Ever" I whispered as tears trailed down my face. "I love you."
"Sam." I turned and saw Janet in the doorway. "He hasn't got long" she said softly. I nodded. I thought I could deal. I thought I could handle it all. I was so wrong. People think they'll cope with situations like this all the time. They sit there and tell themselves, they'll be ok, and everything'll be fine. What they're really doing, is trying to convince themselves that it's true. But they don't really believe it all. I guess that's what I should be doing about now. Trying to convince myself, that I'll be fine, and that life will go on. But I can't, and don't believe that at the moment. I don't think I'll actually ever believe that. I never thought I would, or could love someone as much as I do Jack. I just didn't think it was possible for me to do. When I told him I'd never love anyone ever again, I meant it. And I won't. I don't think I'm even capable of *trying* to love someone else. Little own actually doing it. When I looked back down to Jack, he was still there. And I don't mean there, as in he hadn't got up and left the room. I mean it as in, he hadn't, and I don't even want to think it, died. I held his left hand in one of mine, and the other I raised to his face. His face of very little life. I raked my fingers through his hair. It still feels soft between my fingers. But when I look into those eyes now, I don't feel as safe. Not because I don't trust him, because I do, and I always will. But because, he is just too weak to protect me now. He could hardly, no, he couldn't even protect himself now, even if he wanted to, little own me. It is so depressing to see him like I see him at the moment. This man, that I have wrongfully fallen in love with, is going to die, for a second time, right in front of me. It was hard enough once, even in knowing we were going to send him somewhere to be, 'brought back to life' so to speak. But for it to happen again, so soon after, and this time, knowing he *isn't* coming back. It was all too much really. Most people would have lost it by now. But I think, through all this, Jack is the one who has kept me together. Even though, he is the one I am losing, he is the one who has stopped me from going insane. And not only am I losing him, I've lost my friend. Daniel. He has been like a brother to me for the time I have been at the SGC, and I appreciated him so much, but never got to thank him. I will always regret that. Not ever just walking with him, and telling him how grateful I was of him. I've had the chance to do so many things with Jack, but they have never happened when they should have. All the opportunities we've had, and we have both been as stubborn as each other. I will always regret not telling Jack about the way I feel sooner. I should have told him so long ago. I *should* have. *Should* being the operative word. I looked at Jack again. He was still awake. I was surprised. But sort of happy in a way. "Jack" I said softly. "Mmm?"
"I'm sorry for not telling you about the way I feel sooner. I should have told you a long time ago. I guess regs sort of stopped me, but that's no excuse really."
"Sam. It's, ok. I should, have... told you... sooner... as well. We're both... to blame. Don't... blame, yourself" Jack managed to tell me. I lent down to kiss him. "Thank you" I whispered before joining our lips. Such a soft kiss. So gentle. I think I was almost scared I might break him. Like he was glass or something. It sort of felt like that. But I didn't mind being gentle. I was a beautiful soft kiss. And I thought it would be the last. Slowly I separated our lips and looked at him carefully. I took in every detail of him I could. Excluding the injuries of course. It would be the last time I would see him, alive, and see him as mine. As though I had some tag on him saying "sold". As though I fought for him. I did in a way. I fought with myself. I fought with myself to tell him. That was pretty stupid. Looking into his beautiful brown eyes, all I see now is pain. And that it was slowly drowning all the rest of him with it. It was taking him away. So slowly. "Jack. I love you so much" I said. I felt like I had to say it again. Just so I remembered. No. Not so I remembered. So he did. I knew he wouldn't forget, but it was like I needed to know he wouldn't, again. I needed to be told again. As though I might forget. But I wouldn't. It was confusing, but, amazingly, I understood. Somehow, I think Jack did too. "I know" he whispered. "I love you too" he said. I held his hand tightly in mine and kissed it. I sat back in my chair. It was so close to the bed, but I never let go of his hand. Janet walked in moments later. She checked a few things, and then injected some more pain killers into Jack's IV. After that, she left. I think she thought she'd better not speak to me. I think she knew I wanted to be alone with him. After she gave him the drugs, he fell asleep. I didn't want him to go to sleep. I was worried if he did, then he wouldn't wake up again. I suppose Janet knew what she was doing.
In the morning, I woke up with Jack's cold hand still in mine. He was still asleep which worried me until I looked at the time. 04:34. No wonder. I should still be asleep too. Just before I was about to try and sleep a little more, I heard my name. Jack was talking in his sleep. He quietly called my name couple of times, and then slowly got softer. Sometimes people hear you when you talk to them in their sleep. Or so I've heard. "I'm here Jack. I'm here. It's ok baby" I said softly. He seemed calmer after that, but then I was worried, so I stayed awake in case he woke up again.
I fell sleep in the end. I gave up fighting with fatigue. At least I woke up again at a reasonable time. 09:06. Much more to my liking. Jack was awake too, which surprised me. "Hi" I said. "Hey" he whispered. "Why don't I feel any pain? Isn't everything supposed to hurt?" he asked. Oh no. He doesn't feel any pain. I knew what that meant. "I'll be right back" I said. I left for the Infirmary and found Janet. "Janet! Jack says he doesn't feel any pain. Isn't that bad?"
"It's not good. He's obviously in convulsive shock. I knew he didn't have long, but I didn't think it would be this soon" she said. "You knew?"
"Yesterday when I told you he didn't have long, I meant it. But I didn't think it would be this soon."
"So you're saying he's going to die?"
"I'm sorry Sam. I wish there was something I could do, but..."
"There is. Operate or something. You have to be able to do something!" I cried. "Sam. I operated yesterday. I don't work miracles."
"Sure you do. You doctors do amazing operation all the time! Surely you could do *something* here?!"
"I can't Sam. As much as I'd like to, there is nothing I can do now. His body is so severely damaged; there isn't a hope in hell it could repair itself. I think you're going to have to except the fact he isn't..."
"NO! I can't except that. Can't you see?! I'm in complete denial. I don't even want to hear you say it. I can't even cope with you saying it! You have to do something! He can't die. I can't sit in there and watch him die!" I exclaimed as I cried endlessly. "He is only just alive right now. The Life Support System is helping to keep him alive. He doesn't want to spend the rest of his life in a hospital bed hooked up to a million machines. No one would" Janet explained. I cried increasingly. "How is that stupid damn machine keeping him alive?! When people are hooked up to them in movies and everything, they aren't awake and talking to people! They just lie there and look as though they're dead. Don't they?! How come he's in there awake, and talking to me then?! He's keeping himself alive!"
"Sam. He just isn't strong enough to keep himself alive at the moment. I'm sorry, but the machine is doing the living" Janet said. I just cried even more. I went back to his room. "Where'd, you.... go?" Jack asked as I traipsed in wearily. "To see Janet" I replied. "Oh." He trembled as he held in the pain. Finally, it prevailed and he cried in agony. "Oh God!" he exclaimed. Janet rushed in with a nurse. She injected some more pain killers into the IV. Jack's body relaxed as the drug travelled his blood slowly. I sighed after being, initially, terrified. Janet checked his vitals and found them ok. She and her nurse left. I leaned closer to Jack and gripped his hand tightly. "You'll make it through this, you hear? You're not going to die. I won't let you die. Got it?" I said. He turned to me dazedly. His eyes flickered closed and he nodded. "Good. Cos those are the rules. And if you don't abide by them, there'll be trouble" I smiled as I tried to make a joke, unsuccessfully. Instead of making me laugh, it made me cry. I stroked his face as I cried. "I love you Jack. You just can't die. Please, promise me you'll be ok."
"Promise. I'll be ok" Jack murmured softly. "Good" I whispered in his ear as I lent down and kissed his cheek softly. "Goodnight baby" I said as I stroked my fingers through his hair as he fell asleep.
I woke up after having another night filled with dreams of Jack. And not all good ones either. As I looked over to him, sleeping, I checked for his pulse, to see if he was... well... just for comfort. I couldn't find it anywhere. I checked again. 'Oh no!' I thought instantly. I pressed the emergency button and then grabbed Jack's hand and with my other searched for his pulse again. Nothing. "Jack! Jack wake up now! Wake up! JACK!!" I shouted as tears poured down my cheeks. Janet and her team of nurses raced in with a be-fib. But it was too late. He was already dead. They all left and gave me a moment. "Oh God no!!! NO! No, it's not true. Wake up Jack. Wake up, please! Please! Oh no Jack!" I cried. I couldn't believe it. I would never believe it. He was gone.
// His smile. His beautiful smile. When he looks at me, and I stare into his eyes. His deep brown eyes. Why does he have to be so damn gorgeous! It wouldn't be so hard to deal with if he wasn't so, amazingly gorgeous. Dreams and images of kissing him and being with him, role through my mind all day, everyday. I can't stop thinking about him. //
All my life, I pray for someone like you, And I thank God that I, That I finally found you. All my life, I pray for someone like you, And I hope that you, feel the same way too. Yes, I pray that you, do love me too.
"All My Life" By K-CI & Jo Jo.
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