In Mind
The woman was smiling at her. She blinked, then realized where they were. The 'Gate Room. She turned slowly, saw the 'gate shimmering behind her. But the rest of the room was dark, empty. Except for herself, devoid of all human presence, and except for the wormhole, devoid of all light.
They were inside her mind, obviously. After all, the woman- the female Replicator, Second- her hand had gone into her head (her *head,* it still seemed so unreal), had not even given her time to scream or react in any way, and now she was here.
"You are very quick," Second observed mildly. Then, in what was almost, but not quite, annoyance, she added, "For a human." It was not a compliment.
Sam said, flatly, "Why am I here?"
Instead of becoming angered, Second instead seemed faintly pleased. "Human limitations."
Sam understood- it was not an answer to her question, but an observation of it. Smart, but not smart enough. Just a human in the end. A machine, unlike her, would have already come to the logical conclusion, but she, trying to find a human explanation with a human mind, could not.
But she did not rise to the bait. After all, machines trying to become human were bound to have some human failings- arrogance, overconfidence.
And, of course, Second heard all of this, although Sam had not said a word, and frowned, for Sam could not hide anything, not with the two of them linked. It was a one-way connection, of course- Sam could sense nothing of what the Replicator was thinking.
Vaguely, she wondered how a machine, a humanoid one, thought. Human, but not. In numbers, in bits of code, or in thoughts, in feelings, in impressions? A combination of both, or something completely different? And did she even want to know?
"You would not understand, even if you could know," Second said blandly, but with a faint trace of smugness in her voice. Controlled, though. Just the right amount.
"Why am I here?" she repeated, resisting the impulse to express her anger, even if Second was already aware of it.
"We are in a place," Second said, "that is important to you."
Not a question.
The arrogance riled her. Sam could not stop herself from answering, "Yes. But then, you already know all about it, so should I even bother to explain?"
Second's eyes flashed.
And then-
// "Dad?" She looked up, smiling a greeting. Then froze at his look. "What's wrong?" Really looked. "Why are you crying?" Stared at him, hard. His face- guilt, sadness, anger. The door was closed behind him. Stared at him, realization dawning. "Dad... Where's Mom?" //
She almost fell over, clutching her head in pain, managed to land on her knees. She tried not to cry. It had been so *vivid.* Not just a memory, or even the most potent of them- because memories, after all, were imperfect, and when recalled, even less so.
No, this was more. Worse than the Tok'ra memory devices.
This time, she had lived it, just as it had happened, just as if it were happening for the first time. Even if just for a few moments, it was *real.* Completely, fully. In her mind, there was no Major Samantha Carter, no Stargate program, nothing about the future, only the memory as she experienced it, never thinking of any point past this one, because who could ever tell for certain what lay ahead?
The memory became everything. More real than reality, becoming reality itself. In it, she was just a young girl learning, understanding, that her mother was dead.
She can do this, Sam thought distantly. Can make me relive my life, parts of it, as if they were happening now, were new experiences in the making.
Hate. Was that the emotion she felt? Hate. Yes.
Managing to catch her breath, she slowly looked up. Very softly, she said, "You bitch."
Second was unimpressed. "Are you going to be uncooperative with me, Samantha? As you can see, I can make it painful for you. Here, in your most private memories, in your subconscious, I can dredge up everything you have tried to forget and everything that haunts your dreams at night. You do not want to make me displeased."
Then, she smiled. It was awkward, the smile. Perfect, technically, in every way. But there was no warmth in it, no emotion. A twisted mockery of genuine humor, fondness, happiness. Pleasant emotions. Did the Replicators have any, besides the satisfaction of destruction? Of inflicting pain and sorrow?
"We are better than you," was all Second said in reply. "Remember that."
She swept past Sam, up the ramp to stand in front of the 'gate. "And this is your precious Stargate." Stood in front of the shimmering surface, another lifeless smile gracing her lips, as she touched it, in emulation of a memory Sam remembered, six years ago, first encountering it.
She tried not to tremble in anger. How dare she. How dare she do that. A happy memory, violated by this... this thing.
Second turned to face her, an expression of distaste on her face.
Not again-
// "You are happy to be going back?" said the woman with the brown hair, curling around her shoulders, and the kind eyes. "No," he said. He, him. The one whom she- the one whom she could not- "I'm not." It hurt. Blindly: 'He loves her. He wants to stay with her. He doesn't want to return.' Something rose in her throat, and she had to turn away, swallowing. She was going to cry. Why? That sharp pain in her chest, the one that hurt so much, the one that made her want to curl up and die, would not go away, not with tears. She brushed quickly past Daniel, ignoring the half-sympathetic (for her), half-angry (at *him*) look he gave her. Walked away, quickly, not knowing where she was going, just had to get away before she made a fool of herself, thinking, 'I don't feel anything, I can't, I'm a soldier, I'm not supposed to feel anything, there was nothing between us.' But God, it hurt. //
She was curled up in a ball when she came to. This time, her face was wet.
"Human memories. They are interesting things," Second said, in a voice empty of any interest. "So fragile, just like humans themselves."
Another memory of a time, from before. Painful. Could she banish it, maybe, with a happier thought? Of all the things that she remembered before, and after, of something, anything, him- But nothing came.
"A good idea, but it will not work." Second gazed at her. "I have placed a restriction on your memories. You are only allowed access to the present. Controlling one's mind is such an easy thing to do; humans, though, do not possess this capability. They cannot forget or recall perfectly, at will. Another failing, another imperfection."
Slowly, Sam got to her feet. "Shut up," she said, clearly, coldly.
Second's laugh was raw with a sharp edge. "Why do you insist on angering me?" she asked rhetorically. Then paused, reaching for something, and, having found what she sought, smiled once more. "Is it because of him?"
Sam understood. "Don't." It was desperate, her plea, and her desperation angered herself. Was she begging?
"There are many memories of him," Second continued, as if Sam had not spoken. "Many thoughts, feelings. Conflicts. What you want to do, what you cannot. The pain you must cause him, have caused him, continue to...
"Yes, here is an interesting one."
// He was safe. She told herself that, studying him as he slept. Yes, he was back at the SGC. He was all right. Would be all right, anyway. The guilt, however, did not go away. She reached out a hand and carefully stroked his forehead. 'Because of me. I did this to you.' He had only accepted it because she had insisted. Because she had asked again, after his first refusal. Because she hadn't wanted to lose him. 'You're so selfish.' Wanting him to live. Wanting him to return. Wanting him to wake up. Wanting him to be better. 'It's not that easy.' She stared down at him, her face gentle. 'He may never forgive you. May never forgive your selfishness. Can you live with that? What you've done to him? He was tortured to death, repeatedly, because of you. Why are you touching him? Don't you have any self-restraint? You don't deserve to touch him.' //
She did not fall, thankfully, but leaned against the ramp for support, breathing harshly. Her mind was a whirl- but Second held a tight rein on it, prevented the world around them from spinning into turmoil.
"You are surprisingly strong for an organic," Second observed. "But in the end, you will lose. Organics die. They wither. The synthetic, however, can be easily repaired, and so can live for forever. We are better than you."
Staring at the wall, Sam said nothing.
Second waited, but when Sam remained silent, she smiled. "I trust you understand now. It is a pity, but while I would enjoy exploring some more all the pain your mind keeps, these memories are irrelevant. Amusing, yes, but not necessary for my cause. Come. We have little time remaining."
Her voice sounded dull to hear ears. "Where are we going?"
"To all the places you have ever been, of course. To the planets untouched by us... Feeding grounds for my kind, for us to consume and replicate." Second paused, then touched another memory. "We'll start with... Abydos, is it? After you, Samantha."
And so she went.
Story Notes: Thanks to Phil, Bonnie, and Immora for being super beta readers =)
Copyright (c) 2003 Jackie, completed 06/30/2003
Email: psyche@psyche.nu
Copyright (c) 2003 Jackie, completed 06/30/2003
Email: psyche@psyche.nu
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]