Sam shifted her position slightly in an effort to get comfortable. Daniel might find these carvings fascinating but they sure didn't make for an ideal seat. The elaborately carved lumps and bumps on the fallen pillar seemed to have found every sensitive part of her rear. Standing up and stretching to try and iron out some of the kinks, she just knew she was going to be sore in the morning.
Taking a deep breath, she stared across the clearing and sighed. The surroundings were idyllic, straight out of some 'Lost World' scenario. Ruined buildings spread out around her, creepers with brightly coloured flowers trying to reclaim their honey-tinged stones for the jungle. She wondered why people had first built here. It seemed so isolated, so remote. A village in the jungle with no obvious connection to anything else. Why had it been abandoned? Had the occupants all died?
Sam idly kicked a loose stone that went clattering down the slight slope. Oh well, that was Daniel's job, not hers. Raising her hand to her eyes to shield them from the sun, she looked across the clearing for the archaeologist. Spotting his bobbing hat about twenty yards away amongst the stones, she smiled to herself. Good, he was still here. As if sensing her watching him, he straightened up and gave her a quick wave before moving on to another pile of stones.
She knew Daniel was in seventh heaven, alternately using his video camera to capture their surroundings and scribbling in his notebook. As far as he was concerned, she might as well not be here. Really, she'd done well to get a wave. Yet again, she'd drawn the short straw.
What had the Colonel said? "You stay here with Daniel. Teal'c and I are going to reconnoitre." Of course, what he'd meant was, "Stay here and stop Daniel getting into trouble. I'm leaving you here, not Teal'c, because I don't want to be alone with you."
She sighed again and carefully sat back down on the fallen pillar. She *wanted* to be alone with him. Preferably for a whole night. Over the last few months, she'd come to the conclusion she didn't give a rat's ass about the regulations, she wanted a relationship with her commanding officer.
A bird screeched and flew out of the undergrowth, making her jump. Landing nearby on a wall, it cocked its head at her curiously. Sam's mouth dropped open in amazement. If she'd wanted proof that this was an alien planet, it was perched right in front of her. The bird had bright pink feathers, apart from those on its head which were an equally bright shade of yellow. The only word Sam could think of to describe it was 'garish'. Letting out a chirruping noise, it settled down and began to preen itself.
Sam's mind drifted back to Jack O'Neill. Since they'd admitted they had feelings for each other, he'd been more distant and definitely seemed more reluctant to be alone with her. Perhaps he was frightened what might happen? Well, she'd got news for him... she wanted it... all of it. And if she didn't get it soon, she felt like she was going to burst.
She glanced back at the bird. It transferred its attention to its other wing, then gave a little shake, ruffled its feathers and stared at Sam, its head on one side. "So what do you think, my little pink friend?" she said quietly. "Should I tell him to stop protecting my career and just go for it?" The bird tipped its head the other way and blinked. Sam let out a deep breath. "Oh I wish... I wish... I wish I could have a relationship with the Colonel."
Afterward, she found she couldn't say what exactly happened next. One moment, she'd been staring at a garish bird, the next she found herself in front of a vision, no, an apparition, in pink net and lace, waving a wand with a glittering star on the end. The apparition's brassy blonde hair caught the sunlight, her Shirley Temple ringlets bobbing with every move of her head. Sam was struck dumb.
"Hello," said the apparition cheerfully. "I'm your fairy godmother, Lamorna." Sam opened her mouth to speak, but was cut off by Lamorna raising her hand. "Before you say anything, I ought to warn you that no one else can see or hear me, so if I were you I'd be careful what I say and how I say it for fear of being thought..." She leant towards Sam and tapped her temple with her forefinger. "...nuts."
"Who... where... what?" stammered Sam, her normal eloquence totally deserting her.
"Don't worry, a little disorientation is normal under the circumstances." Lamorna flounced her skirts experimentally. "I'm not sure about this outfit though. Where on earth did you get the idea that fairy godmothers dressed like this?" She waved her wand a couple of times and muttered, "Cool!" when a trail of tiny stars appeared in its wake.
Sam suddenly came to. "So you're in my head, like Urgo?"
"Never heard of Urgo." Lamorna frowned and pursed her lips in concentration. "No, Urgo doesn't ring any bells at all. In answer to your question, the way I look is down to you. We always try to appear in a form that's most familiar and comforting to our clients. But I can assure you I am *not* a figment of your imagination." Looking slightly offended at the thought, she tossed her curls over her shoulder.
"Are you going to grant me a wish?" Sam asked tentatively, as the thought of the colonel as her sex slave flashed through her mind.
"Ah, now, there's the rub." Lamorna fiddled nervously with her wand. "We've had a change of working practices recently. A by-product of the whole 'sisters are doing it for themselves' thing, if you will. Not sure if I hold with it myself, I'm more of a traditionalist."
"Get to the point," hissed Sam, glancing nervously past Lamorna at Daniel, whom thankfully, for the moment at least, seemed quite oblivious to the recent turn of events.
"Basically, I offer you my wisdom, advice and support until your wish comes true. I'm not allowed to actually grant the wish - I'm told it..." She frowned as if struggling to remember something. "...undermines self empowerment." Shaking her head, she added, "Whatever that means..."
"Okay then. I wish you'd go away," said Sam emphatically.
"No, no, dear." Lamorna shook her head sympathetically. "You've already made your wish. That's what brought me here."
Sam's heart sank. "You mean when I said...."
"I wish I could have a relationship with the Colonel," offered Lamorna, smiling sweetly.
"Well, you might as well go now because that's *never* going to happen."
Lamorna shook her head firmly, shaking her ringlets. "No dear, I don't think you quite understand. I stay with you *until* your wish comes true, no matter how long it takes." Hearing footsteps approaching, the fairy godmother swivelled round, then turned back to Sam. "Now who's this?" She pointed her wand at the approaching archaeologist. "Would this be the Colonel?" Lamorna rubbed her hands together in anticipation.
"No, that's Daniel," hissed Sam through gritted teeth. "He's a good friend. I think of him as a brother."
"Shame," pouted Lamorna, "I wouldn't kick him out of bed."
Sam was prevented from replying by Daniel getting within earshot.
"Hi Sam, you okay? You look a little red in the face."
Managing to force a smile, the major asked, "Did you just see or hear anything unusual?"
Daniel shook his head and frowned, then span round through 360 degrees, effectively looking straight through Lamorna, who, much to Sam's alarm, had started humming 'It's Raining Men'.
"You're sure you can't hear that?" Sam persisted, as Lamorna let rip with the chorus.
"What?"
"It sounded like...." Sam struggled for a description.
"Your fairy godmother singing a big hit by the Weather Girls?" suggested Lamorna mischievously. "Go on... I dare you to say it. It is the truth after all."
"What?" Daniel definitely seemed to be losing patience with her.
Sam gave up. He wouldn't believe her if she told the truth. "Voices, music, I don't know. I guess I must have imagined it. Sorry."
He smiled sympathetically. "Perhaps you ought to get Janet to check out your hearing when we get back? Anyway, the reason I came over was to tell you I'm going into that building over there. I thought I'd better let you know. Jack'll go nuts if you lose me." He grinned and turned away, heading for one of the few structures that still had a roof.
Sam and Lamorna watched him leave. "Nice rear view," commented the fairy godmother. "Are you sure he's not the colonel?"
"Absolutely positive."
"As I said before, 'Shame'." Lamorna thought for a moment, then said, "I think you'd better tell me about the Colonel and explain why you don't think you'll ever have a relationship with him."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lamorna and Sam sat next to each other on the fallen pillar, like a pair of bookends in identical positions; elbows on chins, heads in hands, staring at the ground with expressions of total misery.
"You could try wrestling him to the floor and having your wicked way with him?" suggested Lamorna hopefully.
"I did that over three years ago."
"What happened?"
"He had me chained to a bed."
The fairy godmother's eyebrows shot up. "That could be good...." she started.
"Then sedated." Sam winced at the memory. "I had an alien virus."
Lamorna visibly deflated. "Oh," she mumbled as she fiddled with her wand. "Don't worry, something will come to me when I meet him, I'm sure...."
Sam stood up quickly. "Well, I think that's going to be sooner rather than later." She gestured across the clearing to where O'Neill and Teal'c had emerged from the undergrowth and were heading towards them.
The fairy godmother followed her gaze. "Now, let me guess... he's the one with the huge weapon?"
"No," Sam found herself frowning at Lamorna. Wasn't it obvious which one the colonel was? "He's the one wearing the cap."
"The old guy?" asked Lamorna incredulously.
"The good looking one," corrected Sam firmly. "And he's not old!"
"Sister, have you got it bad!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Colonel Jack O'Neill squinted at the dazzling sunshine as they emerged from the cover of the jungle and smacked at a mosquito buzzing round his neck. In his opinion, this was a royally unpleasant planet. No indigenous population, no wildlife bigger than his foot, just a pile of old stones and lots and lots of foliage. And insects... insects that were real friendly. He really didn't like planets with trees, whether they were deciduous, evergreen or, as in this case, damp, hot and smelly. There were just too many places for someone or something to hide. Glancing across the clearing, he noted there was no sign of Daniel, but he could see Carter standing up and waving, her lovely smile lighting up her face. She suddenly swung round and looked annoyed at something to her left. Jack shook his head. So, those damn mosquitoes were bothering her too. He was going to have to ask the Doc for some better insect repellent when they got back.
"So, Carter, whatcha' doing?"
She shrugged. "Keeping an eye on Daniel, sir. He's in that building over there." She pointed vaguely across the clearing. "Nothing to report, sir. There don't appear to be any life forms of any appreciable size in the vicinity." She frowned, then added, "That we can see."
Jack looked at her curiously. "Getting paranoid, Carter?"
"Just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they're not out to get you, sir. Should I go and retrieve Daniel?"
"Yeah, knock yourself out. I guess this planet's a bust. Nothing here but rocks and jungle. I could use a cool shower and my own bed." At this last comment, he noticed Carter look uncharacteristically uncomfortable. Was she blushing? She turned away immediately and headed off to fetch Daniel so it was difficult to tell, but she certainly seemed to look embarrassed. Was she thinking of sharing his bed with him? He allowed himself the fantasy for a moment. Of course, he knew she cared about him, but they'd agreed to leave it in that room... with Anise... and Teal'c and Frasier looking on, and in that room it had stayed... to his immense frustration. He'd decided weeks ago that he wanted more than a working relationship with Sam (in his dreams, he always called her 'Sam', never 'Carter' or 'Major') but knew it wasn't his place to force the issue. The first move had to come from her, after all it would be her career that would go down the drain if they were found out, not his. He sighed. It had got to such a pitch that he didn't dare be alone with her for fear that his resolve would crack and he'd jump her like an oversexed teenager. He knew an encounter like that wouldn't end with a peck on the cheek. Puffing out his cheeks, he closed his eyes and tried to get his overactive hormones back under control.
"Are you well, O'Neill?" rumbled Teal'c's deep voice, startling him back to reality.
He'd completely forgotten the Jaffa was standing next to him. "Yeah, just a little hot and a little weary, Teal'c. Jungles don't agree with me."
The Jaffa looked at him in that slightly worrying all-knowing way he had and Jack wondered, not for the first time, if his friend was more than a little telepathic. He sure hoped not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sam trudged along and contemplated whether or not to turn herself in for a psych evaluation when they got back to base. Either Lamorna was real, and hell bent on driving her to distraction, or she was a figment of her imagination, in which case she was in serious need of psychiatric help. She felt neither option was something to look forward to.
Lamorna skipped along beside her, humming quietly to herself. The tune now appeared to have changed to 'Something Stupid'. How appropriate, thought Sam as she shot her a sideways glance, then groaned inwardly as the Fairy Godmother seemed to sense her gaze, turned to her and grinned. "I know!" she announced, "you've got to get him to notice you're a woman. All this calling you 'Carter' and 'Major'... it just won't do. And those clothes.... most unflattering. Tight jeans and a snugly fitting T-shirt would be much better...."
"But we're on duty," hissed Sam through clenched teeth, praying that no one overheard her. "I've got to wear these clothes and we have to observe protocol."
"Okay," agreed Lamorna reluctantly. "We'll have to get you two together *off duty*. But meanwhile, you could try walking a bit more...."
"What?"
"Femininely. Stop loping along like a teenage boy."
Sam stared at Lamorna in disbelief. no one had ever criticised the way she walked before. "I'm not going to...." she began, but the Fairy Godmother cut her off.
"It's the only way to get rid of me, sweetheart."
"Even if your suggestions are insulting and demeaning?"
"Whoa! I'm the expert, remember? Over a thousand years of experience. I've even advised royalty."
Sam found curiosity getting the better of her. "Royalty? Who exactly?"
"Henry VIII of England," said Lamorna proudly.
"Of 'divorced, beheaded, died, divorced, beheaded, survived' fame?" asked Sam, narrowing her eyes.
"I was hoping you hadn't heard of him."
Sam gave her an 'I wasn't born yesterday' look and tried to concentrate on the track ahead.
"Go on... more feminine... you're a woman, not a soldier..."
She let out a deep sigh. "All right, but only to show you it won't work. What exactly did you have in mind?"
"Sashay a little... swing your hips a bit more... imagine you're holding an orange with your..."
"Okay, okay, I get the idea..." Sam tried an experimental wiggle. It was kind of tricky wearing a full pack and combat boots. She just began to feel she was getting into the swing of it when a deep voice interrupted her from behind.
"Major Carter, do you have a problem? You appear to be limping."
Sam stopped and turned round to find Teal'c immediately behind her, his face a picture of concern. When had the guys swapped places? The last time she'd looked round, the colonel had been following her. Glancing past Teal'c she could see he was now bringing up the rear, behind Daniel. As she looked at him, he peered round the archaeologist and yelled, "What's the problem? Why did you stop, Carter?"
"I believe Major Carter is injured, O'Neill."
Thank you, God, thought Sam, as she gave Lamorna a filthy look. The Fairy Godmother had the good grace to look contrite. "Okay, so you're no good at sashaying. Tell him you've got a stone in your boot."
"Got a stone in my boot, sir. Could we stop for a few minutes while I deal with it?"
"Sure, everyone take five. We could use a break."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sam rubbed herself with the towel and wondered just what to do about Lamorna. At least she'd given her some privacy while she showered. Then she heard a rustling noise and the Fairy Godmother suddenly appeared in front of her in a cloud of pink smoke, waving her wand. "All clean and ready to go?" she asked, smiling at Sam. "I've had the most terrific idea!"
"I'm showered and almost ready to go home, if that's what you mean," said Sam doubtfully. She wasn't sure what Lamorna had in mind, but looking at her recent track record it was bound to be embarrassing.
"Good. Don't get dressed for a moment, dear. I want to have a proper look at you without those ghastly fatigues. Stand up."
Against her better judgement Sam stood up and wrapped the towel firmly around herself. As she stood she noticed Lamorna had something tucked into the waistband of her dress. "What's that?" she asked.
"Oh, this?" The Fairy Godmother fished the small piece of paper out. "It was on the outside of the locker room door, but I thought things would go more smoothly without it."
Sam's eyes widened in horror. It was the 'occupied' sign that she always put up to stop the guys walking in on her. "But..." she gasped as she heard footsteps outside the door.
Lamorna grabbed hold of Sam's towel and pulled sharply, leaving the major standing in the middle of the locker room totally naked. She grinned. "Particularly when the object of your desire is about to open the door."
As she spoke, the door flew open, revealing Daniel wearing a towel round his waist and clutching a small sponge bag. He took one look at Sam, went bright red and slapped his hand over his eyes. "Oh god, Sam, I'm sorry. The sign's not up.... I'll go outside... I didn't mean to... Oh god...." He started to shuffle back out of the locker room when the door opened again to reveal Jack O'Neill, fully dressed and carrying a towel.
The Colonel stopped dead in his tracks and stared open mouthed at Sam, totally unable to drag his eyes away, appraising her lasciviously, then seemed to realise what he was doing and blushed bright red. Then he noticed Daniel and his expression clouded. "So this is how the land lies is it? I knew I wasn't getting all of my memos." With that, he turned on his heel and marched out of the locker room.
Daniel followed hard on his heels, mumbling apologies as he went.
"Lamorna..." Sam hissed as she picked the towel up, then began to get dressed. "...that was masterful. Now the Colonel thinks I'm involved with Daniel."
"I know dear, I'm sorry. O'Neill was right outside when I looked. I didn't expect Daniel to come in first." Lamorna smiled encouragingly. "Never mind. A touch of jealousy never did any harm. It'll just make him keener."
"Get out of my life," hissed Sam viciously, as she hurriedly got dressed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jack stormed down the corridor. So, rather than risk her career with him, she'd settled for a relationship with his closest friend? And they were so into it, they couldn't restrain themselves even on base? He could hear footsteps behind him and knew instinctively it was Daniel but all he wanted to do with the archaeologist at the moment was tear him limb from limb for touching his Sam. For making love to his Sam...
The footsteps speeded up and he felt a hand on his shoulder. Without thinking, he clenched his fist into a ball, ready to strike, and strike hard. He swung round to face Daniel. "I hope you'll both be very happy," he snarled, feeling his hand itch to hit the archaeologist full in the face.
Daniel shook his head violently. "No, Jack, you've got it all wrong. I'm not... we're not... Sam and I aren't.... Oh hell... "
"Let me finish for you. It's just sex, it doesn't mean anything."
The archaeologist's eyebrows shot up. "What?" He looked puzzled for a moment, then cast a worried glance at Jack's clenched fist and carried on, his words coming out so fast they almost spilled over each other, "Sam and I are just friends. We aren't having any kind of relationship, sexual or otherwise. I went in the locker room to get a shower and just found her like that. There was no sign on the door, I swear. I'd have never walked in if I'd known she was... naked." He forced a weak smile at his friend. "For god's sake, Jack, everyone knows she's in love with you!"
"I wish she'd show it sometimes," muttered the Colonel, under his breath, then noticed Daniel watching him carefully. He found all his anger had disappeared. "Sorry, buddy, but you must see how it looked."
"Yeah."
There was an awkward silence. Jack found he couldn't shake the vision of Sam standing naked before him. God, it was a shame Daniel had been there as well. They both swung round at the sound of a slamming door and saw Sam emerge from the locker room and head off down the corridor, not giving them a second glance.
Suddenly appearing to realise he was standing in the corridor wearing nothing but a towel and a worried expression, Daniel muttered, "Well, I'd better get my shower, see you later, Jack," and shot off towards the locker room.
"Daniel!" called Jack, feeling guilty for shouting at his friend. "How about a beer at O'Malley's when we're done for the day?"
"Sounds good," shouted back the archaeologist. "See you there about seven."
Jack watched Daniel disappear into the locker room. It would be better not to be alone tonight and a few beers might relax him enough to get some sleep. He briefly toyed with the idea of telling Daniel how he felt about Sam, then realised that after what the archaeologist had just said, there wasn't much point, as he knew anyway. The Colonel sighed deeply. Was he really that transparent?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sam hurried along the corridor as fast as her legs would carry her. With a bit of luck she might manage to give Lamorna the slip. Her heart sank when a sudden wisp of pink smoke materialised right in front of her, closely followed by her fairy godmother, who, in Sam's opinion, looked inappropriately cheerful.
"Where are you off to in such a hurry, dear?" Lamorna asked, blocking Sam's path.
Putting her hands on her hips, the major replied, "I'm going home. Not that it's any of your business."
"Do you go anywhere near a place called O'Malley's?"
Sam looked at her suspiciously. "I drive right by the door. Why do you want to know?"
"You're going for a beer on the way home!"
"No, I'm not."
"The Colonel is, so you are." Lamorna studied Sam's appearance carefully. "But you can't go dressed like that. You need to wear something much more feminine." She pursed her lips. "Tighter."
"If these jeans were any tighter I wouldn't be able to breathe."
"I'll grant you that," agreed the fairy reluctantly. "But you're hiding them under that baggy sweater. What are you wearing underneath that?"
"A T-shirt."
"Let me have a look, dear."
Shaking her head in disbelief that she was actually going along with this, Sam pulled the sweater over her head, revealing a tight, short-sleeved, v-neck T-shirt.
Lamorna nodded her head approvingly. "Very nice. Lovely shade of blue. Matches your eyes. Now then, you must take the sweater off when you get to O'Malley's. He won't be able to resist you dressed like that." She smiled benevolently. "You know, I think there may be hope for you yet."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sam took a sip of her diet Coke and looked round the room. Definitely no Colonel. "I thought you said he'd be here at seven," she hissed through clenched teeth at Lamorna.
"That's what he arranged with Daniel. I heard him," replied the fairy emphatically from her seat on the other side of the table. "I'm sure he'll be here soon. Try and relax. You look far more attractive when you're not frowning."
Sam scanned the room again. As was usual for O'Malley's, there were a few base personnel relaxing on their way home. She spotted Sergeant Davis sitting in a dark corner, nursing what looked like a whisky. Seeming to sense her eyes on him, he looked up and smiled lopsidedly. She returned the smile but was horrified to realise he'd taken it at an invitation and was now tottering across the room towards her. How many whiskies had he had? He was very unsteady on his feet. "'Lo, Major," he slurred, as he slid down into the chair next to her and put his drink down hard on the table, almost slopping it.
"Good evening, Sergeant," she replied nervously, as she glanced pleadingly at Lamorna, who shrugged, in a 'what do you expect me to do?' kind of way. "What brings you here tonight?" she asked, by way of making conversation.
"I'm here..." He waved his arm expansively round the room, "...to celebrate the fact that I'm a free man." Davis nodded. "Free as a bird."
"Free?" echoed Sam, not liking where this seemed to be going.
"No!" said Lamorna quickly. "Don't encourage him. He'll cling like a limpet. He's a classic 'my girlfriend's dumped me, I hate all women, I'm going to drink so much I can't see straight and then I'm going to tell anyone who'll listen how badly I've been treated' case."
"Yes, free." He stared morosely into his drink. "No woman telling me what to do. Telling me what a nerd I am." He looked up at Sam. "You don't think I'm a nerd, do you Major?"
"Of course not, Sergeant," replied Sam, earnestly.
"Liar," muttered Lamorna. Sam glared at her.
"Call me Walter," slurred Davis.
"How can he be called Walter and not be a nerd? It goes with the territory," added the fairy placidly. "He'll tell you you're the only woman that understands him next."
"Shut up," hissed Sam, hoping the Sergeant wouldn't hear.
"You understand how it is, Major. Engage this chevron, lock that chevron. It's a very stressful job. She didn't understand, you see. Mainly because it's classified and I couldn't tell her. But you understand, don't you, Major? You're probably the only woman who does."
"Told you!"
Sam tried to ignore Lamorna and concentrate on Davis. Somehow, she just couldn't bring herself to think of him as Walter. She did feel sorry for him, even if he was a twenty four-carat nerd and drunk as a skunk.
Completely oblivious to the fairy godmother, the Sergeant carried on. "She said that I put my job before her, that I wasn't dynamic enough. She even said I was no good in bed."
Sam winced. This had definitely strayed into 'more information than she wanted to know' territory. "Look Sergeant," she said, cutting him off.
"Walter," he insisted.
"Walter.... I know it's a cliché, but there are plenty more fish in the sea and I know you don't feel like it now but soon you'll meet someone else and you'll wonder why you got so upset over...." She hesitated and waved her hand vaguely in the air.
"Rosemary," supplied Davis.
"The hurt will get better," Sam said with as much sincerity as she could muster with Lamorna sitting across the table miming putting her finger down her throat. She glared at the fairy.
He shook his head and took a swig of his drink. "No, she was 'the one'. My soul mate. I don't know how I'm going to live without her. You know, we met back in '92 when I moved to Corolado... Rorocado.... Coloradadodadoh." He frowned. "When I moved here." He thumped his fist on the table for emphasis. "Did I tell you how we met?"
"Er... no."
"It was back in '92...."
Lamorna groaned. "He's enough to drive a woman to drink. Do you think he'd notice if I took a quick sip of his whisky?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jack walked into O'Malley's with Daniel close behind. "Okay, what will you have? I'm buying."
"Beer, please, Jack." As they approached the bar, Daniel added, "I'm glad I caught you before you left. You'd have thought I'd forgotten to come."
"No sweat. Seven... seven thirty.... what's the big deal? What was so urgent, anyhow?"
"An artefact we found on P3X888."
Jack looked at the archaeologist quizzically, as he ordered the drinks.
Daniel raised his eyebrows. "When I pushed a button, it started humming."
"What's so bad about that? A lot of powered devices hum."
"Alien artifacts don't usually hum 'The Star Spangled Banner',"
"Nothing to worry about then, it's on our side." Jack grinned.
Daniel frowned. "We figured it was a recording device."
"And you took the battery out?"
"In a manner of speaking, yes." The archaeologist smiled and shook his head, then glanced round the room. "Hey, isn't that Sam over there?"
Jack felt his heart lurch as he swung round to face where Daniel was pointing. He saw her straight away. She looked gorgeous. A blue figure-hugging T-shirt and jeans and just a little make-up that made her face almost glow. She was amazing. He swallowed hard. Almost as amazing as she'd looked in the locker room. He felt a nudge on his arm.
"Jack! Are you listening to a word I'm saying?"
Unable to tear his eyes away from Sam, the Colonel grunted in reply.
His friend sighed, then said, "She does look nice tonight, I'll admit. But I think you ought to put your tongue back in your mouth, Jack."
Jack came back to reality with a bump. "I wasn't, was I?" Oh yes, he was transparent, he thought wryly.
"In a manner of speaking you were."
"Let's go over and..." Jack started moving towards Sam's table.
"No!"
The Colonel stopped and stared at his friend. Had he gone mad? "No?" he questioned.
"Have you seen who she's with? Walter Davis."
"So?"
"You must be the only person on base he hasn't bored to tears with details of his disastrous love life. I'm guessing Sam's getting the full story right now, judging by her expression."
"Okay....." said Jack thoughtfully. "But we can go and say 'hi'."
"But we're not sitting down, Jack. I cannot face hearing what Rosemary did, or didn't, do to him again. He's cornered me in the commissary twice already."
Picking up their drinks they headed over to Sam and Davis. When the major saw them, her face lit up. Jack hoped it was through happiness at seeing him, but after what Daniel had just told him about Davis it was probably more of a 'drowning woman spotting a life belt' expression. He really couldn't be sure. "Hello, sir... Daniel," she said with an air of forced cheerfulness. "You'll join us?" Her voice was nonchalant but Jack noticed the expression in her eyes was pleading. He also noticed Davis nod rather unsteadily and take a swig of his drink.
Before he could reply, he realized Daniel was speaking. "Sorry, Sam. We... er... have some stuff to discuss.... Personal stuff. It's a guy thing. You understand, right?"
Sam sagged as her life belt drifted out of reach. "Okay, I'll catch you later, perhaps."
Annoyed at Daniel and feeling very sorry for Sam, Jack couldn't resist saying, "Yeah, Daniel's trying to keep four girls on the go at once and he needs my advice on stamina." He was gratified when Sam giggled, obviously not believing a word. As a very red Daniel started to drag him away, he had an almost overwhelming urge to say, "You're magnificent when you're naked, Sam," but his rational mind kicked in and he settled for, "You look real nice tonight, Major. Blue suits you."
A faint blush rose to her cheeks as she said, "Thank you," very quietly.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sam watched them walk across the room to an empty table and sit down. He thought she looked nice tonight. Wow. She knew Davis was talking but she just couldn't concentrate on what he was saying. The Colonel thought she looked nice tonight. Blue suited her. She sighed. He thought she looked nice tonight. A sharp pain in her arm brought her back to reality. "Ow!" she squeaked, then glared at Lamorna when she realised the pain had been caused by the fairy poking her with her wand.
"That's a good start," said Lamorna smugly. "I told you that T-shirt would get his attention."
Sam wasn't about to admit she agreed with the fairy, so settled on saying, "He said I looked nice tonight."
"So you think that was the problem, Major? I didn't compliment her enough?"
"Uh?" Sam had completely forgotten Davis was there. "Just playing devil's advocate, Serg... Walter," she said quickly.
"I would have been lying if I said she looked nice," said Davis morosely. "She just wasn't a glamorous kind of woman."
Lamorna and Sam exchanged a look. It was going to be a long night.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Okay, so thanks to Walter, going to the bar last night didn't work out quite as planned but the Colonel did pay you a nice compliment. I think we need to come up with an alternative approach. What does the Colonel do to relax?" asked Lamorna, as she sat on Sam's desk twiddling her wand between her fingers.
Sam shrugged. "He watches hockey games, works out with Teal'c, listens to opera...." Her voice trailed off as she frowned in concentration. "Eats pizza.... Sorry, can't think of anything else."
Lamorna smiled brightly at her. "Well dear, I think working out has definite possibilities. Think of it, you get all hot and sweaty right in front of him, wearing some skimpy little gym outfit...."
Sam's heart sank. "You want me to go to the gym here on base? For crying out loud, it's usually full of marines with chest measurements larger than their IQs. If you expect me to go in there partially clothed you've got another think coming."
"Don't worry, I'll find out when he's in there on his own. Wait here." She disappeared in a puff of pink smoke.
This was getting worse, thought Sam. Not only was this person hell bent on making her life a misery, she now wanted to exhaust her as well. There was a small pop, another puff of pink smoke and Lamorna reappeared.
"Good news!" she said cheerfully. "Not only is he the only one in the gym, but I've borrowed these for you." She held out two small pieces of fabric.
Sam hesitantly took the offered outfit from Lamorna and studied it. "I can't wear this!" she protested, "Not only is it Lieutenant Baker's but she's five feet three and as thin as a rake. It'll never fit me."
"Go on, dear, try it!" said Lamorna with enthusiasm. Then, with a sickly sweet smile, added, "Just for me."
Sam muttered, "I must be insane," under her breath and began to strip off her uniform. A few minutes struggling later she stood in front of Lamorna, wearing a pair of shorts that clung to her hips, her ass and every other part of her lower anatomy so tightly she wasn't entirely sure she'd be able to walk without cutting herself in two. The skimpy top was just as bad. It pushed her up and squeezed her together with eye-watering precision, revealing a large expanse of bare midriff.
Lamorna clapped her hands together in delight. "Perfect!" she exclaimed happily.
"Easy for you to say," muttered Sam.
"It's show time!" said Lamorna, opening the office door and thrusting Sam out into the corridor, straight into Doctor McKay. Hell! She'd completely forgotten he was on base. Of all the hundreds of people at the SGC, why did she have to bounce off him? She pushed McKay away firmly, sending him crashing into the corridor wall.
"Major Carter!" he blurted out -- as wide-eyed -- he took in her appearance.
Sam tried to stand in a position that revealed a little less bare flesh but failed miserably and finally settled for folding her arms in front of her chest. She stared defiantly at McKay, who looked at Sam in the way a dog might look at a bone. She had the horrible feeling he might be drooling.
"Enough already!" yelled Sam at Lamorna. "I'm going to report you." She stormed off down the corridor, leaving a stunned McKay staring after her.
When she swung round the corner she heard a defiant, "They'll never believe you!"
Sam squared her shoulders and carried on to the infirmary.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jack hit the punching bag as hard as he could again and again, until he was gasping for breath and his hands were throbbing. The sweat poured in rivulets down his face, partially obscuring his view. Damn... damn... damn... He swore quietly in time with each strike of his fists. Damn her. Damn her to hell. With one superhuman effort, he gave the bag the best he'd got. When it swung back, he caught it, hanging on for support and taking deep gulps of air. Why couldn't he forget? Hard physical work was supposed to help, wasn't it? He'd been in the gym for what felt like hours beating the crap out of this punching bag and for what? It hadn't helped at all. No matter what he did, he couldn't shake the vision of Sam in her naked glory standing in front of him. He'd not slept a wink last night because of her. Even trying to remember what she'd looked like at O'Malley's hadn't helped because inevitably his mind had wandered and he'd imagined her slowly stripping off that tight blue T-shirt. He wondered if she had been wearing a bra underneath it. He sure hoped not.
He let out a long breath and shook his head. Perhaps he should just go to the General now and resign before he did something worthy of a court martial.
A voice startled him back to reality. "Colonel, may I have a word?"
"McKay." Just peachy.
The scientist shifted nervously from one foot to the other and didn't quite meet O'Neill's eyes. McKay glanced nervously round the room and cleared his throat. The Colonel looked at him curiously. What could possibly have made the usually arrogant McKay so wound up he was almost twitching?
"So... What's up, Doc?" said Jack, doing his best Bugs Bunny impersonation.
McKay stared at him as if he were a life form marginally more advanced than an amoeba. "Colonel?"
"Okay.... needs work... probably something to do with the teeth," muttered Jack, then realising McKay was still hadn't a clue what he was talking about, added, "To what do I owe the pleasure of your company, McKay?"
The scientist burst into life. "I wanted you to hear my version, Colonel. I swear I never did anything... she ran into me... well, I might have looked... but, hell, I'm as human as the next guy...."
Jack raised his eyebrows. What on earth was McKay rambling on about? The scientist didn't seem to have noticed his reaction and just carried on.
"So, as Major Carter said she'd report me, I thought I'd better tell you my version. You do understand, sir, don't you?"
Too confused and exhausted to do much else, and still having no idea what McKay was talking about, Jack shrugged noncommittally.
"I'm glad we've been able to clear that up, man to man as it were." McKay offered his hand to Jack. "Thank you, Colonel."
Jack shook hands with McKay, then watched him leave. Well, that was bizarre, he thought. What on earth had Carter done to rattle McKay's cage like that?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Janet stood leaning over a bedridden patient with her back to the door when Sam entered. "Janet, could I have a word when you've got a minute?" she shouted. "I'll wait in your office."
She sat down by Janet's desk and considered her options. Total honesty was probably the best policy - she'd tell Janet all about Lamorna and hopefully one of those amazing scanners would prove she wasn't lying, or even worse, insane.
Her musings were interrupted by Janet walking in, taking one look at her outfit and grinning. "Well, now I know why Lieutenant Harvey's pulse and blood pressure suddenly went up!"
"This isn't funny, Janet."
The Doctor walked round her desk and sat down. She folded her hands together, licked her lips and said, "Well?"
Sam's words came tumbling out. "I know this is going to sound insane but I have a fairy godmother. no one else can see her. She's been following me around, getting in the way and doing all kinds of embarrassing stuff. It was her idea I wore this."
Janet's eyebrows had risen to somewhere in the vicinity of her hair line. She winced at Sam. "A fairy godmother?"
"Yeah, she's called Lamorna and wears a pink tutu and has blonde ringlets."
"Like the good fairy in the Wizard of Oz?"
"I guess..." Sam frowned. "Anyhow, she's trying to help my wish come true and she's a real pain in the ass."
"Your wish being?"
"That I could have a relationship with the Colonel."
"Well, there's a surprise," said Janet sarcastically.
"Take this seriously, Janet!"
"It's kind of difficult, Sam. Have you listened to yourself?"
"Can't you just run some scans and prove I'm not nuts?"
Janet looked extremely doubtful. "No, but what I can do is remove you from active duty and refer you to Doctor Mackenzie for a psych evaluation."
Sam was horrified. "But you're my friend! You can't do that!"
"Oh yes, I can... precisely because I am your friend... and your doctor. I don't want you being a danger to yourself and the rest of SG1."
"Janet!" Then an awful thought struck her. "You're not going to tell the General, are you?"
"I have to." She looked at her friend sympathetically. "But for now, I'll just say you're suffering from stress. I won't mention your fairy godmother." Janet thought for a moment, then looked round the room doubtfully. "Is she here now, by the way?"
"No. I dread to think where she's gone. Probably spying on Daniel in the shower..."
"A woman with taste," muttered Janet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jack wandered rather aimlessly down the corridor and considered his options. He could try and ignore his feelings and pretend everything was hunky dory or he could tell Sam how he felt. Considering this idea for a moment, he tried to analyse how he did feel. Was he in lust or in love? Seeing a beautiful naked woman was bound to make him... well... horny, not to mince his words. But did he feel like that about Sam all the time? Hell, yes! Was it just sex he wanted or a relationship? This question was harder... he definitely wanted the sex, what man wouldn't? But a relationship? Did he want to wake up next to her every morning? Did he want to look after her when she was sick? Did he want to be with her all day, every day until death do us part? He stopped in the middle of the corridor and muttered, "Hell, yes," under his breath.
Realizing he was attracting a certain amount of unwanted attention from passing staff, he started walking again. So, what was he going to do about this new found realization? He had to talk to Sam. See if she was willing to give it a try. He had to say something without pushing, make it her decision. He'd have to try to go back to the status quo if she wanted it to stay in that damned room with the Za'tarc tester. Or he could offer to retire, take a desk job, get out of her chain of command... whatever. Whatever it took, he'd do it.
He couldn't go on like this.
"Sir?"
Jack realised there was an airman standing to attention in front of him. "Yes?" What now? He really wanted to see Sam before he lost his nerve.
"Sir, General Hammond wants to see you in his office right away."
"Thank you, airman," replied Jack, turning on his heel and heading towards the elevator. Talking to Sam would have to wait.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Colonel, good, we can start now. Please take a seat."
Jack nodded to Daniel and Teal'c and pulled up a chair. "Shouldn't Carter be here too, General?" he asked.
"No, this meeting is about Major Carter." Hammond glanced at the three members of SG-1 and said quickly, "Doctor Fraiser has relieved her of duty."
Jack's stomach twisted into a knot, his mouth went dry and he just managed to blurt out a faint, "Why?"
Hammond folded his hands together on his desk. "According to the Doctor, Major Carter is suffering from stress which appears to be causing hallucinations. She relieved her of duty pending a meeting with Doctor Mackenzie."
"You can't let her go to see that nut job, he won't help!" protested Jack. "He'll lock her up in a padded room." He heard a quiet cough from his right. "Sorry, Daniel, no offence."
The archaeologist frowned. "None taken." But judging by the expression on Daniel's face it didn't look like he meant it.
Ignoring O'Neill's outburst and Jackson's sulky expression, Hammond said quietly, "He's a psychiatrist, Jack, she needs professional help."
"No she doesn't," he protested. "She's as sane as I am." Then realising that Teal'c, Daniel and Hammond were just staring at him, he corrected himself. "She's saner than I am."
"Jack, she was hearing voices when we were on our last mission." Daniel's voice was quiet. "She denied it pretty quickly when I said I couldn't hear anything, but she seemed quite rattled."
"When we were walking back to the Stargate she appeared to be talking to herself," offered Teal'c, solemnly.
"What happened to 'innocent until proven guilty', guys?" said Jack angrily, standing up and pushing his chair back. "I'm not staying here and listening to fantasies about Carter without hearing her side of it."
Before he'd taken two steps towards the door, the General said gently, "The Doctor sent her home. Go talk to her there if you think it might help. I was going to put SG-1 on stand down until we'd got this figured out anyway."
Immediately feeling sorry for his outburst, Jack turned and said, "Thanks, General. I'm sure there's a simple explanation for Carter's behaviour... a alien infiltration... a weird virus... something totally..." he paused, searching for the right words. "...something real... strange."
As he turned to leave, he thought he heard the General mutter, "I think I'd prefer 'stress'."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sam drove home and tried to ignore Lamorna sitting in the passenger seat. The fairy was swivelling around, trying to take in as much of her surroundings as possible. "It looks so much better in daylight," she said, excitedly. "The mountains are great."
The major pulled up at a traffic light and turned to face Lamorna. "Look, it's no good trying to change the subject. It's your fault I've been relieved of duty and you haven't even said 'sorry'."
"You've got a green light, dear," said the fairy godmother, placidly. "I'm not apologizing for something that's not my fault. I didn't ask you to go and blab to the Doctor. I warned you about not telling people because they'd think you were nuts." She tapped her temple with her forefinger, then folded her hands firmly on her lap. "Telling the Doctor was your idea. So it's your fault you're on your way home." She treated Sam to a sickly sweet smile. "But don't worry, I won't abandon you just because you've screwed up."
Sam gripped the steering wheel so tight her knuckles went white. She had to get rid of Lamorna... and fast.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Don't you think you ought to dress up a bit?" asked Lamorna, frowning. "What happens if he comes to see you?"
Sam adjusted the belt on her old, comfortable robe, and absentmindedly picked at the stain on the front. Was it ice cream? Or mayonnaise? She couldn't remember, and, to be honest, she didn't care. Sometimes it was kind of liberating behaving like a slob; it was such a contrast with having to wear a uniform. She slumped down on the sofa and sighed. God, she was tense. Though that was hardly surprising under the circumstances. She flexed her shoulders, trying to work some of the kinks out, then lifted her arms and gave her scalp a rub, massaging firmly with her fingertips.
"Good grief, now you've mussed up your hair! Go and get a comb, Samantha!"
Finally acknowledging Lamorna's presence, Sam said, "The Colonel has never been here on his own. Why on earth should he start now, particularly when everyone thinks I'm nuts?"
"I think you underestimate him, dear."
"I think you're the delusional one," replied Sam bitterly. "I'm going to get something to eat." Deciding that now was a good time for comfort food, she helped herself to a tub of chocolate ice cream from the freezer and was about to get a bowl when she mumbled, "Oh why should I bother... it'll just make more washing up," picked up a spoon and went back into the living room.
"Are you going to eat that straight from the tub?" Lamorna appeared horrified.
"Yeah. You got a problem with that?" Sam glared at Lamorna and helped herself to a large spoonful of ice cream. She picked up the remote control. "And I'm going to watch something real.... real... not intellectual!"
Half a tub of ice cream and one episode of MacGyver later, Sam was wallowing on a sugar soaked cloud of self pity and trying hard to think just who Mac reminded her of, when the doorbell rang, making her jump. The spoon shot out of her fingers and bounced down her robe, leaving chocolate footprints as it went. "Oh crap!" cursed Sam, as she stood up to answer the door. Picking up the errant spoon, she walked down the hall, trying very hard to block out Lamorna who seemed to be getting very excited about something.
Needing two hands to open the door, she stuck the spoon in her mouth and grabbed the lock and handle. Swinging the door open, she stopped dead.
"I was right!" said Lamorna triumphantly. "I told you he'd come!"
Oh god! Sam watched the Colonel's eyes take in the spoon in her mouth, the mussed hair and the now multicoloured filthy robe. Her shoulders sagged. If he hadn't believed it before, he now had incontrovertible proof that she had lost it entirely.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jack knew his mouth dropped open in shock but he seemed powerless to stop it. He'd never seen Sam look so... he searched for the right word. 'Dishevelled' was close but not quite.... Running his eyes over her again, his heart lurched as he watched her take the spoon out of her mouth, try ineffectually to straighten her robe, then visibly sag when she looked up at him. Sam looked so... vulnerable - yes, 'vulnerable' was it exactly. He wasn't sure if he'd ever seen her vulnerable before. His heart lurched again; all he wanted to do was take her in his arms and try to make it better. Without thinking about what he was doing, in two strides he'd closed the distance between them and enveloped her in a crushing hug. He buried his face in her hair and said softly, "It'll be okay, Carter. We'll get to the bottom of this. Don't you worry."
Sam murmured, "Thanks, sir," and shifted slightly in his embrace. Her arms wrapped carefully, almost hesitantly, around his waist and gave him a gentle squeeze. She sighed contentedly.
Jack couldn't believe he was doing this; it felt so right. They fit together perfectly; she was so warm, so soft, so.... sticky? He gently pulled back a little and glanced downwards. The front of his shirt was sporting a brand new chocolate coloured pattern.
Sam followed his gaze and her mouth formed a little 'o' of shock. She let go of his waist and, producing a crumpled tissue from her robe pocket, began to dab ineffectually at the stain.
Jack swallowed hard. Sam rubbing his chest, no matter how innocent her intentions, was doing strange things to his insides. Summoning up every ounce of self-control, he grabbed her hands. "Leave it," he said, his voice almost a growl. "It'll wash out."
"But your shirt...." she stammered. He watched her eyes flick down to their clasped hands and he could have sworn he felt her tremble. She nervously licked her lips, leaving them moist and inviting; an invitation he couldn't ignore. His heart pounded in his ears as he bent down and brushed her lips gently with his. Feeling her tense, Jack pulled back slightly, frightened he'd gone too far but when he looked at her and found her bright blue eyes shining back at him, he allowed himself the faint hope that she might feel the same way that he did. Smiling softly, she reached up and returned his kiss with a feather-light touch of her lips. He gasped at the feel of her. The hope in his heart grew a little... but he had to be sure. "Sam," he said softly, "remember when we agreed to 'leave it in the room'?"
She smiled wryly. "How could I forget?"
He smiled back. "Well, it seems to have escaped." Sam laughed, then nodded. Jack took a deep breath; it was now or never. "The question is.... what do you want to do about it?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"You want a relationship, don't you, girl?" yelled Lamorna in frustration when Sam didn't answer him.
Her fairy godmother was right, she did want a relationship. So why was she hesitating? Sam realized it was because she wasn't sure what Jack wanted. She didn't want to spoil their friendship with a declaration of feelings he didn't return. But his kisses had felt so full of love, and the way he held her, and was still holding her, a slight quiver in his arms, spoke to Sam of barely controlled passion, not comradeship.
He stroked her cheek gently with his hand and she instinctively leant into his touch and closed her eyes. "Sam?" he said softly.
"Oh for goodness' sake, answer the man!" said Lamorna in exasperation.
Her eyes fluttered open and she smiled at him. She knew she had to tell him how she felt. Taking a deep breath in a futile attempt to steady her nerves, she blurted out, "I want a relationship with you and I don't give a rat's ass about the regulations, General Hammond or my career."
Jack laughed. "Don't hold back, Sam. Tell me what you really think."
Suddenly sure he felt the same way, she said, more softly, "I love you and I want to be with you."
"Oh Sam," he murmured, as he briefly brushed her lips with his. "I want the same thing. I love you."
"Mission accomplished!" announced Lamorna smugly, but tactfully quietened when Jack brought his mouth down to Sam's.
He kissed her, his lips warm and soft against hers, and when she felt his tongue trace its way along her lower lip she willingly opened herself to him, tasting him as he tasted her, their tongues entwined in the age old dance of lovers.
They broke apart and smiled shyly at each other. Sam studied his face; she already knew every line, every scar, but his expression was new. She had fantasized about him looking at her like that; a mixture of love and lust that made her feel like the most desirable woman on earth.
The sound of Lamorna loudly blowing her nose brought Sam back to reality with a bump. "I love happy endings," the fairy sniffed into her hanky. "They always make me cry."
"Sam," Jack said quietly, "Hammond said you weren't well.... that you were suffering from stress.... seeing things...." His voice trailed off.
"I'll be on my way in a moment, dear, so I think it'll be safe to say you're cured," said Lamorna, patting her ringlets in a rather self-satisfied way.
Sam smiled. "I'm feeling much better all of a sudden."
"You sure?"
"Yeah. I don't feel the slightest bit stressed now." She glanced briefly at the fairy who winked and gave her a thumbs-up sign.
"So that's another triumph for your fairy godmother." Lamorna grinned from ear to ear. "I have got to be going now, dear."
"But you didn't..." began Sam, before she remembered that Jack couldn't see or hear Lamorna.
Lamorna waved her wand and was enveloped in a cloud of pink smoke. "I think you'll find I did. Bye, dear." And with a final twinkling wave of her wand she was gone.
Jack looked at Sam curiously. "I didn't what?"
She thought for a moment. Saying, "Sorry, I was talking to my fairy godmother," just wasn't an option. Sam smiled up at him. "You didn't kiss me for long enough."
"Your wish is my command, Major."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Story Notes: Author's Notes: This story originally appeared in the zine "Revelation" published in May 2003.
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]