Living with the Power
*****
What did I do? I just killed a man! No, he may have been a man, but one with a Goa'uld inside him. But does that give me the right to kill him? And is him being a Goa'uld reason enough? Was it enough for other people, like my father or the Colonel? He was a Goa'uld, so I just killed him?
What will they think of me? A woman who happened to have a Goa'uld..., no, I'm wrong, a Tok'ra inside of her so now she can take advantage of those powers the alien left her? A daughter who has the will to kill and acts upon it? A major who just lives to kill the bad guys? And what do I think of myself? I know that I can't think like this. Dad and colonel O'Neill would never think of me like that. ...Would they?
I know what I saw. Dad was blown away. He told me to stop Seth, so I grabbed the ribbon device, and killed Seth at will. Plain and simple, isn't it? That thought horrifies me; I killed 'at will'. I had the power, I had the device, I had the will and I killed him. I felt ... mighty. I felt like I was a god. I felt like ...a Goa'uld.
***
The words of the Colonel didn't help much. 'Hail Dorothy' was all he said. But his eyes told me more, more than I thought possible. I never imagined that the great Colonel O'Neill would fear me, because that was what I saw. Terror. He was glad I stopped the bad guy, but at the same time, he feared me. Like I was THE next Goa'uld that stood in front of him.
I saw the fear in his eyes and I left. I went outside and ran straight to the tent, but I never got there. I went for a walk in the woods, to straighten my mind, hum, ...as good as I could. The cops were constantly walking and shouting in the woods. I knew that they needed my help with those people, but for the first time I listened to my feelings: I needed some time to be alone. Don't know how long I had been there, but when I finally came back, most of the people had already left. The agents were helping the people to contact their relatives but family or friends had already picked up most of them. Rumours can spread quickly.
***
I know, I'm not that kind of woman that avoids people's eyes, but when I arrived at the tent, I couldn't lift my head. The ground seemed to be so fascinating; I couldn't look away from it. Didn't care if I bumped into a few people; I just wanted to get out of there. No looking, no talking either.
The guys were in the tent. I didn't look up but from the corner of my eye I saw them, doing practically nothing. Teal'c stood at the entrance. I knew, he was keeping an eye on the rest of them. Daniel sat on the table, studying some artefact he probably brought with him from the house of Seth. Dad and colonel O'Neill were talking with that policeman, standing in the corner of the tent. Thinking they wouldn't notice me, I rushed into the tent, gathered my stuff and walked back out. But I should have known better than to think I could do that. Just when I was near the exit, close to Teal'c, he spoke to me. "It will take another hour to finish the things here and to go back to base," he said. His words should've stopped me to respond. But they didn't.
"Okay," was all that came out of my mouth and I left as quickly as I got in. Sure it looked suspicious but believe me, I didn't care a bit. I just wanted to get out of there, go back to base, so I could do some work in my lab on... whatever needed to be looked at.
I knew Teal'c would be watching me to see where I was going, so I walked back into the forest. I found myself a tree; big enough to sit to on the other side, hoping nobody could see me.
And there I was, surrounded by my demons and fighting the tears like I always do. My head rested against the tree trunk and my eyes were closed; trying to understand all the things that happened today. I needed a moment to calm myself and to find the courage again to look people in the eyes. I just hoped that nobody would follow me. I should have known better...
When I heard the footsteps, I thought it would be Daniel or Teal'c or even my Dad, but when he spoke, it felt like my heart, brains and body couldn't work together anymore. "Carter?" He was the last person I expected at a moment like this. When I didn't responded, he called me again. "Sam?"
'No, don't.' I could handle it but not if he did that. My head still against the tree and my eyes still closed, I sensed that he stood besides me.
"Hey, what's going on?" His voice was calm... and caring.
"Nothing, sir," I lowered my head so I didn't have to look at him.
"Well," I heard him move and realised that he was sitting down. "Since you're sitting here alone against this tree, after I didn't see you for an hour or so, and when I saw you in the tent, it was only a flash of you. So I would say that there is something going on." He didn't speak hard or sarcastic, which surprised me, but he did it in a way he knew I couldn't resist answering him.
"I ...," I kept my face down, "I don't feel well, ...I thought a walk would do me good." I couldn't tell him the truth.
"I understand, but why are you sitting here now, ...alone, Sam?" He wouldn't leave it to rest.
"...The headache doesn't seem to pass," I lied.
"Sam?" I couldn't look at him.
"Sir," I answered dryly.
"Look at me." It wasn't an order, but a plea. Still, my face was directed right to my hands in my lap. "Sam, look at me." Why did he have to be so persuasive?
"I can't."
"Yes, you can."
"No, I can't." Where I got the strength for being so insubordinate, only my mouth could answer that.
"Why not?"
"Because I'm afraid!" There! I had said it. Why I had done it,... I blamed him.
"Afraid of what?"
Silence.
"Sam, ...afraid of what?" He came closer. Closer than I could handle.
"NO!" I tried to get up but his hands pulled me down again.
"No running Sam!" He kept his voice down but he meant it. I wanted to ask him to let me go, I would've fought him to let me go. But like I said, my body didn't listened anymore to my brains. I was a mess. I felt like I was a child with a secret. Scared to tell anyone about it. How I had managed to do it, I don't know, but I still hadn't looked him in the eyes. "Please? Sam?" He found the way to my heart so easily.
"I can't look at you."
"Why?"
"Because I'm afraid of... you." He released me the second I said it. "Your reaction, your judgement, ...the look in your eyes."
Again silence. And then ..."I could never judge you." He said it so softly I could hardly hear it. But I got the message. I lifted my head slowly and my eyes locked with his. And then, I knew. His eyes told me everything I needed to know. Everything I needed. "You had to," he said softly.
I nodded oh so slightly.
"If you hadn't, who knows how many people he would have killed and he probably would have escaped." He was right and I knew it. But it was so hard to accept.
"You could stop him, so you did."
"With alien technology that only the Goa'uld can use." My voice cracked.
"Don't forget the good snakes, the Tok'ra, they can too." Sarcasm. His trademark.
"Does it matter? I can use the power that our worst enemies use," Suddenly I had to say it all, no more secrets and no more hiding. "When I used that thing, a rush went through me. A rush of power, the power of gods, the power of the Goa'ulds! Our enemies! The Bad Guys!"
"Hey! You're one of the good guys, don't you forget that!"
"If I can use their power, I have to be..."
"Aaah!! Don't you say that!" I kept quiet. He looked at me with pleading eyes and I knew I'd better keep my mouth shut. "What I saw today, was a Major who used the weapons she had around her, a soldier who killed the Bad Guy. I saw a woman who protected her friends. And yes, she had to use alien technology, but she used it because she had to!"
Now, I couldn't look away from his eyes. "You don't know what power that ribbon device gives you," I dared to speak. "The Power of the Goa'ulds..."
"I don't. But I do know that you're strong enough to handle it, because I know you, Sam." Again, my name, not my rank.
"I don't know..."
"Yes, you do! Don't give in, you're stronger than that." The faith he had in me, it was unbelievable. A Colonel should have faith in his team, but was this all it was? I wanted to believe it wasn't. "Sam?"
"Yes, I heard you." I was staring at him. Silence. He couldn't say more. He didn't need to.
"So..."
"So... that's it. I'll just have to live with it."
"Yes, you will because you can. I know you can. I believe in you." Now he had done it. He had made me cry. I should have stopped the tears from falling, but right now, I couldn't. I really didn't expect this, crying in front of the Colonel. And to make it worse, he took me in an embrace. And accepted his hug. "It will be OK, Sam," I heard him say in my hair. But I couldn't say a thing. Tears and sobs made it impossible. "You will be OK."
I held him close and cherished the moment. Even it was an embarrassing one, it still felt good.
The Colonel wasn't all big, strong and mean, but also caring, sweet and a wonderful friend. Whatever happened in future, after this conversation, I knew it would all be fine, with this friend on my side.
The End
*****
*****
Story Notes: Season 3 Spoilers: Seth
Authors Note: First story, so don't kill me, okay? I know that Sam is a hard character to write, but I just had to write this. The way she left after Seth, demanded an explanation. Since the writers of Stargate SG1 didn't gave one, I wrote it myself...
Feedback: is very loved!
E-mail: sam_jack_fan@hotmail.com
Authors Note: First story, so don't kill me, okay? I know that Sam is a hard character to write, but I just had to write this. The way she left after Seth, demanded an explanation. Since the writers of Stargate SG1 didn't gave one, I wrote it myself...
Feedback: is very loved!
E-mail: sam_jack_fan@hotmail.com
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]