Jack leaned back and fiercely rubbed his face in exasperation. He wondered if it would be possible to gouge out his own eyes, and if so, could it end this misery? If not, it certainly would make for a dramatically gory scene. He pondered that for a second, idly contemplating how Carter would react to his bloody disfigurement. Pity he wouldn't actually be able to see her reaction, considering the gouged eyes and all, but still . . .
A droning voice pierced his reverie. Daniel was talking at him, again. Jack suppressed a groan. It had come to the point where he didn't even have to be listening, for Daniel said the same thing every time and would eventually shut up when faced with blank faced apathy or monosyllabic replies.
But this time, Daniel was actually saying something new.
"Well think about it, I mean if you know in advance that everything is always going to go back to the way it was then.you could do anything for as long as you want without having to worry about the consequences."
Daniel spoke in his detached archeologist's tone, his expression conveying intrigue but no hint of mischief. Jack, ordinarily not quick at deductive leaps, found himself jumping immediately to some very interesting conclusions. He glanced toward Teal'c. As their eyes met, an understanding flowed between them. Jack stood up abruptly.
"Excuse me."
Without further explanation, he left the room.
As he was a hard-working, yet relatively simple man, Jack's first instinct was to use the time to play. He was pleased to find that the usually austere Jaffa was more than willing to join him. The base was such a serious place, so full of wrinkled brows and tight-lipped grimaces. Jack couldn't begin to imagine the number of headaches induced by the continual staring at computer screens that went on around the place. It certainly would do everyone some good to see the two of them pull a few shenanigans. They'd have some laughs, no one would get hurt, and if they broke a few rules, there would be no lasting consequences. He and Teal'c could get back to work after a few loops.
So, they got a little silly. Work was disrupted. Orders were ignored. A few people got hurt after all. But none of it amounted to anything serious.
Thus it was that Jack, having played and pranked for several loops, encountered Carter alone in a corridor. As usual, he involuntarily straightened up a bit as her tall, slim figure came into view. And also as usual, he felt something slightly squirmy in his stomach when her wide blue eyes met his.
Ordinarily he would ignore the visceral reaction that Carter unknowingly incited within him. It occurred to him this time, however, that he didn't necessarily need to suppress this reaction. The veil didn't have to come down. Perhaps he could actually show a feeling or two. It was less than an hour until the next loop. She wouldn't remember, and no one else would ever find out. In fact, it might be fun to play around with her a bit.
"Hey, Carter. Whatcha doin'?" He could hear the softening of his own voice as he drew closer to her. It was at the same time foreign and pleasurable to hear the change in his tone. He noticed that the effect was not lost on his second-in-command.
"Um, hello sir. I was just, um . . ." She looked down for a second, and Jack was amused to see her so disconcerted by his gaze. "You see, sir, I have a theory, and I was just getting ready to run a sequence of random dialings from the gate in order to. . ."
"Yeah, that's great, Carter. I've already heard about it."
"But, I only worked through it a few minutes ago, so . . ." she broke off, then sighed in recognition. "Of course, sir. You're talking about a conversation we had in a prior loop."
"Yeah, but that's all rather beside the point right now, Carter." He paused, not sure in what direction he wanted to take this. After the briefest of considerations, he took an immediate turn toward spontaneity. "What I really want to talk about is us." He placed a special emphasis on the last word, raising an eyebrow for effect.
Carter's expression was blank. "Us, sir? What do you mean? Have we been cleared to return to P4X-639?"
"No, Carter, we're not going back just yet." He paused again, temporarily confounded. Apparently he would have to spell it out. "I'm talking about us. You know, the "us" that's just you and me." He gestured between them for clarity.
"Sir, exactly what about us?"
"Oh, Carter, you know what I'm talking about." He sighed in exasperation at her stubborn refusal to grasp his meaning.
"Sir, um . . ."
He interrupted her gently. "Sam, don't you have . . . feelings . . . for me?"
The opacity of her expression was unrelenting. "You know I have the highest respect for you as my commanding officer, sir."
"I appreciate that, Sam. But I'm talking about . . . other feelings. The ones that you're not really supposed to have."
She looked away. "Oh, that."
"Don't you think we should talk about this?"
Carter met his gaze again with seemingly renewed fortitude. "Sir, you have never wanted to talk about our . . . feelings . . . and I think we both know why."
"Sam, would it really be that bad for us just to talk about them? Maybe to get a cup of coffee, or have a beer, or something, and explore a little?"
"Sir, I told you the first and only time that . . . feelings . . . were mentioned, to leave it in the room, and you seemed fine with that. What's changed? Where could we possibly take this?"
"Oh, I dunno. I could imagine lots of places where we could take this." He couldn't help a wolfish grin, and for the briefest moment he saw the trace of a smile pass her lips. But as he leaned in even closer, he felt her stiffen and draw back.
"Sir, you know as well as I do that this is against regulations. You know how hard I've worked to get where I am today. Do you want to see me demoted? Do you want to lose the respect of your colleagues?" The blank mask had given way to an expression of anguish - an expression he hadn't expected. He was becoming distinctly uncomfortable.
"Carter, you know I'd never . . ." Not sure how to finish his own sentence, Jack allowed his voice to trail off into awkward silence.
"Why are you bringing this up now?" Her blue eyes had become steely.
"What?"
"Are you coming on to me because we're about to loop again?"
"Don't flatter yourself, Major. I, um . . . just thought we could talk . . ."
"Colonel, I . . . I really don't know what to say." She scanned his face searchingly, then spoke with a matronly disapproval that was, to him, more injurious than outright anger. "You should be very grateful that I won't remember this."
Jack felt his jaw drop of its own accord as she shoved past him and walked away.
She had avoided him for the rest of the loop, not speaking to him or even meeting his gaze as they watched the incoming signal from the Gate. The scene certainly hadn't played out as he had imagined. He had foolishly thought that the mere mention of their feelings might soften her up, entice her to fall into his embrace - an embrace that would be enjoyable and yet without consequences. Instead, she had allowed her rational side to ruin everything. He should have been able to predict that. He needed a different plan. He wasn't actually sure of his objective, but he could worry about that later.
He took a loop off to formulate a new tactic, and to practice throwing pottery.
******************************************************************************
During the next loop, instead of losing his patience in the briefing room, he carefully and thoroughly presented the evidence that he and Teal'c had collected during past loops. He listened attentively as Carter verbally worked through the implications, even though he longed to interrupt and move things along. And by summoning his deepest reserves of forbearance, he even refrained from rolling his eyes as Daniel spoke.
After submitting to Dr. Frasier's proddings, without even a murmur of complaint, he sent Teal'c to work on the translation with Daniel. Pointedly avoiding the Jaffa's quizzical expression, he followed Carter into her lab.
"Carter, I just thought I could offer some assistance, since Teal'c and I have been through this several times already." He was inordinately pleased to see her smiling as she turned to face him.
"Good idea, sir. I think that might actually speed up the process a bit." Her smile broadened as she tilted her head and stepped back to scrutinize him. "You know, you're being uncharacteristically gracious today, sir. I find it . . ."
"Refreshing?" Jack asked, with a deliberate swagger.
"I guess you could say that." She beamed in response, smiling that rare broad smile that never failed to evoke a strange combination of delight and torment within him. But then, maddeningly predictable creature that Carter was, she refocused and grew serious again. "Sir, I was thinking about what you said, about a beam hitting the Stargate."
"I knew you would get to that." Jack shifted to academic stance, deliberately emphasizing each word in a way that, though unconscious to him, mimicked Daniel's patterns of speech. "You were wondering if the beam could be a means to access the gate's subspace field." He suppressed a smile as her eyes widened. "You're theorizing this as a method of creating a time inversion outside of subspace. Am I right?"
"Well, yes. How did you know?"
"Carter, I've been listening to you. I find it fascinating, especially the way you explain it." He paused and attempted a soulful gaze. "You know you're the only one who can make me understand these things."
Her mouth opened slightly as she stared at him. Then, with an almost imperceptible shake of her head, she looked down at her notes. "Anyway, I was thinking of running some simulations . . ."
"You're going to come to the conclusion that we should dial out in order to break the loop."
She looked up sharply. "I am?"
"And I'm telling you that it's not going to work." He stepped closer, prompting her to take a small step back. "In fact, if you ran a sequence of random dialings, you would find that several planets, including Earth, are out of sync with the rest of the universe. I suppose you could say that we' re in a . . . " he thought for a moment, grasping for the term, " a subspace bubble." Satisfied with himself, he leaned even closer.
"A bubble, sir?" She again moved back slightly in response, but turned to find herself blocked by a computer terminal. Her eyelids fluttered in obvious confusion as he gradually moved closer. Deliberately brushing her shoulder, Jack placed his hand on the wall next to her cheek. With his other hand he slowly smoothed a stray piece of her hair, tucking it back behind her ear. His mouth was inches from hers, and he thrilled to feel her tremble at his touch.
"Sam, listen to me." He mentally searched for the words she had used before. "It's all caused by ionization. It's like . . . like a storm that' s out of control. It's . . . geomagnetic." He wasn't even sure what he was saying anymore, but it certainly was having the desired effect on her. She tentatively rested her hand on his chest, and he felt his heart quicken at the unexpected contact. Her eyes, wide and luminously blue, held his gaze as he moved in to kiss her. He could feel her gentle breath as her lips parted alluringly. He closed his eyes, delighting in his victory.
"Sir, what are you doing?"
Why was she talking?
"I was about to kiss you." Trying to keep the exasperation out of his voice, he ignored the fact that the hand at his chest was now pushing him away. "Don't you want me to kiss you?"
"Sir, I don't think that's a good idea. I think you should back off."
"Damn it, Carter! You always have to ruin things by thinking about them too much!"
Her eyes registered anger and disbelief. "Oh, that's rich!"
"What?"
"You're accusing me of ruining things?" He felt the situation spiraling out of control as her tone became deliberately wounding. "You are ruining things! Do you have any idea how hard I've worked to get where I am today? Do you want to see me demoted? Do you want to utterly lose the respect of your colleagues?"
"Oh, god, not again." He raised his hands in submission, backing away. "Forget I said anything."
The steely glint returned to her eyes. "Wait a minute, sir." She pronounced his title with audible distaste. "Why are you bringing this up now?"
He walked away before she could continue.
As he stomped back to his own office, Jack fumed at the futility of it all. It was too much work! He was sick and tired of talking. That's all anyone ever did on this base - he was constantly being bombarded with streams of blah, blah, blah. "We can't do this; it will destroy an ancient civilization." "We can't do that; it would be unethical." And "we certainly can't do that; it's against regulations." And there he was, forever sitting around, waiting for them to make a decision so that he could finally take action. If these people had their way, they would all sit down for a therapy session with every hostile alien culture they encountered.
It was clear to him that they weren't breaking out of this loop any time soon. And it also was clear to him that, if he didn't take some sort of step with Carter, he would forever regret the missed opportunity. He wasn't exactly sure why. He didn't really know what he was trying to accomplish. All he knew was that the next loop would be different. He wouldn't tell anyone about the looping first. There would be minimal talking and a great deal more action.
******************************************************************************
"Anyway I'm sorry but that just happens to be how I feel about it. What do you think?"
Daniel's eyebrows were positively wriggling in expectation.
"Daniel, you really don't want to know what I think." Jack carefully placed his spoonful of uneaten fruitloops back into the bowl and turned to Carter. "Major I need you to report to my office in 5 minutes."
"Sir?"
"And I want you to change into that sweet little tank top that you have in your locker. That's an order, Major. Hop to it." He pushed back his chair with authority and stood up.
Daniel's eyebrows now bristled in chivalrous anger. "Jack, just what are you talking about? You can't tell Sam to . . ."
Jack turned to him, curtly raising his hand in a dismissive gesture. "Shush! No talking from you. Not a word." He glanced back at Carter as he turned to go. "Major, you heard me. I'll see you in five."
When Carter appeared at his office door, she looked flushed and bewildered.
"The tank top, Carter?"
"Sir . . . Colonel . . . I'm at a total loss as to how to react to the order you just gave me."
"Carter, calm down. I was just playing around with you. Close the door."
"If you don't mind, sir, I'd prefer to keep the door open."
"All right! Just stop talking." He walked toward her and grasped both her hands, pulling her further into his office and away from the door. "Listen to me for a bit." He took a deep breath, not sure he actually was prepared to speak what he had attempted to repress for so long.
"Carter . . ." He paused and started again. "Sam . . . you know that I have feelings for you, right?"
She opened her mouth as though to speak, but was silenced by his expression. She nodded ever so slightly in response.
"I know I'm your commanding officer and that it's against regulations for me to have these feelings for you, but the feelings won't just . . . go away. I can't help having them."
Sam's eyes widened, but she remained silent.
"I admire you, and I find you incredibly attractive. Every day I want to tell you how I feel. I want to touch you, to hold you . . ." He let go of one of her hands and raised his fingers to lightly caress her cheek. He could sense that, though her mind struggled against it, her body was responding to his words, his touch. "But most of all, I want you to show me how you feel." He lifted her other hand to his own cheek, and then to his lips. He could feel her begin to relax ever so slightly. Sensing that he had crossed a significant barrier, Jack released her hand and gently encircled her waist with both arms, pulling her toward him. Once he felt the warmth of her body, he could not help but bury his face in her neck, breathing in the scent of her.
"No." Her voice was faint, but insistent.
"Don't talk, Sam." His lips traced the contours of her neck, traveling upwards to delicately brush her ear, then her cheekbone. But as he moved closer to her lips, he felt her begin to pull away. Her voice broke the spell entirely.
"Colonel, please stop."
He released her. "Why, for god's sake?"
Carter ran her fingers through her hair, pausing to collect her thoughts. "Sir, the fact that you gave me an order to come to your office so you could say these things, and do these things, only highlights for me the inappropriate nature of our feelings, and the impossibility of us ever doing anything about them!"
"Carter, what do you want me to do? I can't help what I feel!"
"Colonel, do you have any idea how hard I've worked to get . . ."
He raised his hand in response, interrupting her. "Major, I think I have a pretty fair idea of how hard you've worked to get where you are today. Do I want to see you demoted? No. But I'm telling you that it ain't gonna happen. And furthermore, I really don't give a rat's ass how my colleagues feel about what we do in our own time."
She paused, visibly taken aback. "Okay sir, you've made your position clear. But what do you want me to do? Do you want me to kiss you? To sleep with you? To carry on some secret relationship with you that goes against the regulations that we've sworn to uphold?"
"Well, when you put it like that . . ."
"It would never work."
"Carter, I'm not asking you to make a commitment to me. I just want one moment of honesty with you. Why can't we enjoy one moment together?"
"We just can't." Tears were welling in her eyes.
"Don't you want me?"
"Not like this."
"Ah, but you don't deny that you want me." He reached for her again, but her skin now seemed cold.
She stared at him for what seemed like an age before she spoke again. "This truly has been enlightening, Colonel. I guess this little interlude serves to prove how much respect you really have for me." Her embittered voice faltered as a tear spilled down her cheek. "I just never would have expected that it was so very little."
Defiantly wiping her face, she turned and stiffly walked out of the room, though Jack could see her shoulders begin to cave slightly as she passed through the door. He stared at the empty doorway, a feeling of self-disgust plaguing his insides and a headache beginning to throb at his temples.
"Why didn't I just stick with golf?" he spoke aloud, to no one in particular.
******************************************************************************
"Colonel O'Neill, what the hell are you doing?"
Jack turned in fury and exasperation. "In the middle of my backswing?" He turned and stormed down the steps, unresponsive to the further sputterings of reproach coming from above. Teal'c watched Jack's retreat with raised eyebrow, then looked up at General Hammond. Now speechless, the general weakly gestured for Teal'c to go after the colonel.
Changing back into his fatigues in the locker room, Jack refused to look up as Teal'c stood before him.
"Colonel O'Neill, I sense a great deal of turmoil in your mind at this time."
"Ya think?" Jack kept his gaze locked on boots as he fumbled with the laces.
"Yes, I do think. And furthermore I sense that your turmoil is somehow related to your feelings for Major Carter."
Jack's head snapped up. "What?"
"Perhaps you forget that I was witness to your Zay'tarc testing."
"Oh, yeah." Jack leaned back and yanked his fingers through his hair in a futile attempt to offset his growing discomfort with the conversation. "Teal'c, no offense, but I just can't talk about this with you."
"Do you fear that I will betray your confidence, O'Neill?"
"No, it's not that. I'm not sure I can talk about this with anyone."
"Why is that?"
Jack sighed and fiddled with the knotted lace on one boot. "Because I'm not supposed to feel any feelings for Carter. I'm putting her in an impossible situation simply by admitting them."
"I am of the opinion that it is unhealthy for humans to repress emotion, O' Neill."
"Gee, thanks. I'm all better now that you've told me that, Teal'c."
But as usually occurred in his conversations with Teal'c, Jack's sarcasm fell on deaf ears.
"Answer this question honestly, O'Neill. Were you using the opportunity provided by this time loop to express some of your emotions to Major Carter?"
Jack squirmed for a bit, unable to speak.
"I will take that as an affirmative response. What were you hoping to accomplish by doing this, O'Neill?"
"Well, I wasn't trying to take advantage of her, if that's what you mean. At least, not that way."
"It is not clear to what 'that way' refers."
"Oh, for crying out loud! Why does everyone insist on talking so much?"
Teal'c sat down on the opposing bench and gazed at him silently. Jack attempted to finish lacing his other boot, but suddenly found words spilling out of him.
"Okay, okay. I suppose I was taking advantage of the fact that my actions would have no consequences as long as the loops continued. I wanted to be able to express my feelings to Carter without it affecting our working relationship."
Teal'c continued his silent gaze.
"Teal'c you can talk now."
"You wanted to express your feelings to Major Carter, even though you knew that she would not remember it? What purpose would that serve?"
Jack thought for a moment. "She wouldn't remember it, but I would. I would remember what it felt like to . . . to be honest with her, and to see her be honest in return. I'd get some sort of confirmation that I'm not just a delusional old man with the hots for his second-in-command. I'd know that she feels the same way, that, under different circumstances . . . we might actually have something together."
"Have you not already confirmed this, O'Neill? You have had several loops within which to express yourself to Major Carter, and yet you still seem highly agitated."
"I know, I know. It's just . . . I have broached the subject. But she keeps shutting me down." Jack looked up to see that expressive eyebrow signaling that elaboration was required. He sighed before continuing. "She brings up the regs, tells me it's impossible, gets angry. Stuff like that. I think she was about to slap me once."
"O'Neill, if you simply want confirmation of her feelings, you must create a situation in which military regulations do not apply."
"What?"
Teal'c smiled enigmatically. "I am going to spend some time working on the translation with Daniel Jackson. I suggest that you contemplate my suggestion as you perfect your pottery skills."
******************************************************************************
So it had come to this. In the end, it hadn't taken much contemplation to decide what had to be done if he was ever to have some peace of mind. His solution would by no means be permanent in reality, but the memory would become a comforting fixture in his imagination.
As the next loop commenced, he once again played along with the infuriating ignorance of his team members. With the assistance of Teal'c, he explained the nature of the time loop, and what had to be done in order to break it. When Teal'c efficiently intercepted Daniel and directed him back toward the blackboard, Jack headed to his own office.
He knew exactly where the piece of paper was, for he had looked at it more than once since returning to active duty. As he filled it out, his rational self knew it wouldn't be permanent, but to his heart it felt like a solemn and momentous occasion.
In the locker room he peeled away his military garb with ritualistic precision, even removing the dog tags, which he carefully coiled and placed in the pocket of his folded jacket. Once in his civilian clothes, he began to feel lighter and more carefree. He imagined Carter's expression as he approached her, and the mental image made him smile. As a final touch, he pulled his black cap over his head. He found it oddly comforting, yet it also added a dash of adventure to his little operation. This was, after all, quite a mission he was undertaking, and he wasn't above adding a little swash to his buckle, as it were.
He ignored the sidelong glances at his civilian garb as he walked through the corridors toward the control room. With a jaunty spring to his step, he turned the corner and approached General Hammond.
"Excuse me, George." He handed over the piece of paper.
The general's reproachful voice, a sound to which Jack had become quite accustomed over the past several loops, boomed in reply.
"Colonel, what are you doing out of uniform?"
"Handing you my resignation." Jack didn't . . . couldn't . . . look at Sam yet. He checked his watch, unexpectedly nervous.
"Resigning? For what?" Sam's voice registered disbelief as she stood up to face him. He still couldn't bring himself to look at her, but he sensed the proximity of her body and the undeniable electricity between them.
"So I can do this."
He checked his watch one last time, confirming that his timing was right. Then, finally, he looked at Carter, in that brief moment allowing his expression to communicate his yearning for her. Quickly, before she could have a chance to speak again, he gently clasped her face with both his hands and kissed her with all the passion he had repressed for so long. Turning her, and bending her body back for an even deeper kiss, he felt her body soften and her lips respond to his own. As the lights from the Gate began to flash around them, Jack felt her hands reach up to embrace him. In the last moment before the moment would forever be erased from her memory, as the blinding light began to engulf them, Jack broke the kiss and looked deeply into her eyes. She spoke one word - he couldn't hear her, but he saw her lips forming a word that he could not mistake and would never forget.
"Jack."
******************************************************************************
"Let me ask you something. In all the time that you were.err.looping, were you ever tempted to do something crazy?" Daniel's eyebrows twitched mischievously.
The three of them sat in the commissary once again, but this time Jack was vigorously inhaling a heaping spoonful of oatmeal. He was profoundly grateful that he finally was faced with a different question from the one asked the last hundred times. He looked up, purposefully directing his gaze at Daniel, though acutely aware of Sam's inquiring eyes upon his face. With a deliberately blank expression, he waited for Daniel to continue.
"I mean.you could do anything without worrying about the consequences."
"You know it's funny." Jack gestured vaguely with his spoon. "You asked me that before."
"And?"
Jack finally turned to look at Sam, knowing there would be no trace of recognition in her eyes, a fact that left him comforted and saddened at the same time. But then he smiled as he replayed their moment in his mind. Sure, SG-1 had cracked the code and saved the world yet again, but only he would remember his own private accomplishment. Her body's response, her utterance of his name, had confirmed for him that there truly was something shared between them. She would never remember, and he could take it no further. But the memory would live in his heart.
It was enough for now.
Story Notes: SPOILERS: WINDOW OF OPPORTUNITY, DIVIDE & CONQUER, oblique references to BROCA DIVIDE
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]