Colonel O'Neill strolled into the Control Room of the SGC, a look of puzzled bewilderment on his face. However, as this expression was usual for him, no one bothered to ask what was wrong. Only Major Carter, who knew that, since she hadn't been trying to explain any Physics to him lately, it must be something else confusing him, said:
"Sir? You look confused..."
"Carter, have you seen my cake?" the Colonel asked. Sam just frowned.
"Uh... cake?" asked Daniel Jackson, taking a firmer grip on his coffee mug for emotional support.
"Yeah, Danny, cake. I had this piece of cake and I don't know where it's gone."
"Sir, how long ago did you have this... cake?" Major Carter asked.
"I had it just a few minutes ago! I was in my office, writing up my reports [read: playing with yoyo] and I had this cake from the Commissary. I looked away once and it was gone."
Daniel raised his eyebrows. "Maybe it's rats," he offered.
"Or it could be something worse," warned Sam. "Sir, if someone's been stealing cake, it could mean there's a dangerous alien entity on the base at this very moment. Who knows what it could steal next? Jello, candy, your yoyo..."
"Major Carter is correct," said Teal'c impassively. "This could indeed be symptomatic of some base-wide infection."
"Or maybe Jack just can't keep track of his cake," said Daniel.
"Daniel--" Jack warned.
"Maybe you ate the cake and just forgot you ate it," Daniel suggested.
"Danny, I'm warning you..."
Fortunately for Daniel he was saved at this point by the Gate activating.
"Incoming wormhole," said the Gate Technician with a sigh. "Receiving Tok'ra IDC."
"Airman, are you ok?" asked General Hammond, feeling the usual slight twinge of guilt at being completely unable to remember the Gate Technician's name.
"I'm fine, sir," the Tech said with a sigh. "I'm just sick of saying the same things over and over again. You know, 'Chevron seven locked', 'receiving Iris Code', that sort of thing. Also, I get the impression no one here actually knows my name."
"I'm sorry to hear that, Davidson," said Hammond absently.
"It's Davis, sir," said Technician Guy Davis.
"That's what I said, uh, Airman," said Hammond. "Now open the Iris, there's a good man."
The Iris opened with that noise it makes that is almost impossible to describe in sensible words, and the Tok'ra Anise stepped through. Hammond and SG-1 turned around at the sound of a loud "ch-chuk!" behind them. Janet had loaded her P-90 and was standing with a look of carefully constructed innocence by the stairs.
"Doctor Fraiser, what exactly are you doing?" Hammond asked.
"Just thought I'd be ready for active duty, sir," Janet replied. "Thought I'd get in some target practice."
"In the control room?" Jack asked.
"Oh, no, sir, actually I was going to go down to the Gate room and practice there," said Janet. "There'd be plenty of room."
"Doctor Fraiser, I can't allow this," said Hammond sternly. "You could hurt someone."
"That was rather the point, sir," Janet muttered darkly.
"What was that?" Hammond asked.
"I said I take your point, sir," Janet covered quickly. "I'll just go and... put this away."
"Doc, hand it over," said Jack. Janet pouted. Jack held out his hand, and Janet handed the weapon over with bad grace.
"Oh well, there's always arsenic in her coffee," she said as she stormed off to the Infirmary.
*******************************************************************
Hammond met up with Anise in his office. She prowled around it like a caged cat.
"I trust you are well?" Hammond inquired. "Please have a seat. How is Freya?"
"She is irritating me," Anise replied. "I have therefore suppressed her personality."
"Isn't that a little mean?" asked Hammond, a little shocked.
"It is only a temporary measure," Anise assured him with a false smile. "She is far too nice for the type of experiment I wish to conduct here."
"Ah, yes, you mentioned an experiment of some kind. What would that be exactly?"
"I wish to use SG-1 as lab-rats to test some dangerous and intoxicating alien technology I have recently discovered but in fact know very little about. They will be fitted with a device that will greatly increase their speed, strength and stupidity but will not, in fact, come off. I will then send them on a dangerous covert mission that I have as yet told you nothing about but of which I have known all along. Whilst on this mission they will suddenly find that their powers are failing and they are in fact trapped beyond hope of escape. I am sure that Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter will have some kind of shippy moment seeing as they always manage to do this anyway no matter what they are actually supposed to be doing at the time. Also I think Janet will bitch-slap me at some point along the way but I am prepared to take that in the name of science."
Hammond sat dumbfounded for several seconds. Finally he found his voice.
"Well, I'm sorry, but that's simply not acceptable," he began.
"I had anticipated that you would say that," said Anise, "which is why I brought this."
She held up her hand and zapped Hammond with her ribbon device. When he had fallen in a crumpled heap on the floor, she left to find SG-1.
********************************************************************
SG-1 were in the briefing room, waiting for Hammond. Jack was still wondering about his cake.
"Er, guys, do you think the Gate Tech's been looking a bit... depressed lately?" Daniel asked.
Sam considered Daniel's words.
"I don't know, I guess," she said. "I don't really notice him, to be honest."
Finally, Jack put a finger on what had been bothering him for the last ten minutes, and spoke up.
"Carter," he said warily. "Wasn't your hair... shorter?"
Sam grinned. "Yes sir, it grows with time," she said evilly.
"I meant A LOT shorter," Jack persisted. "I swear it wasn't as long as that this morning."
"Well, hair does grow," said Daniel mildly.
"Although it does not normally grow at such a rate," said Teal'c. "I too have observed your change in hairstyle, Major Carter."
Sam looked a little flustered. She hadn't really expected that a bunch of men preoccupied with, respectively, ancient languages, fighting the Gou'uld and eating cake, would actually notice the state of her hair.
"I think you must be imagining it," she said hurridly.
At that moment she was saved from having to explain the mystery of her hair. Anise walked in and gave a little flicky glow of the eyes to show that she meant business.
"I am here to request your participation in a vitally important experiment that may well save the future of both the human race and the Tok'ra," she said importantly.
"Oh. Right," said Jack noncommitally. He was too busy trying to untangle his yoyo, and the others, Anise noticed, looked similarly bored.
"It will also make you incredibly powerful, extremely fast, and very stupid - and it will provide you with an excuse for anything you might get up to that is in breach of regulations because you all know what a good defence 'under the influence of alien technology' can be when you're caught out disobeying orders," Anise tried again.
This time Daniel looked up curiously, Sam and Jack exchanged a 'this sounds promising' glance, and Teal'c raised one eyebrow which is as close as he will ever get to expressing interest.
"That is better," said Anise approvingly. "Now put on these strange- looking armbands that I know hardly anything about, and you will notice the effects immediately. You will start eating loads of snacks and be able to move like Neo in the Matrix."
"That's kinda cool," said Jack. "Will there be cake?"
"I am sure cake can be provided," Anise assured him quickly.
"Uh... Is it safe?" asked Daniel.
"Oh, yes, perfectly. Freya will tell you," she said.
Anise dipped her head for a moment, and Freya looked up, a look of wild desperation in her eyes.
"Don't do it!" she cried in warning. "Please, help me! She's trapped me in here and she won't let me out! You mustn't--"
"Yes, well," said Anise, swiftly taking control again. "She's not very well at the moment. Stress, you know. Now hurry, put these armbands on before Hammond wakes up."
********************************************************************
SG-1 put on the strange looking armbands, and indeed found that they could move with incredible speed and strength. Sam found a nice long leather coat and ran around the base pretending to be Trinity. Daniel played at being 'The Flash - Fastest Man Alive!'. Jack read books, since running around the base acting like a child was what he normally did anyway, whereas he so rarely actually read anything that it contained a good deal of novelty value. Teal'c sulked because he was unable to wear an armband, and complained loudly to General Hammond that it was discrimination against the Jaffa race not to allow him to wear one anyway, even if he had to hold it in place because it kept falling off.
"It's not discrimination," Hammond explained for the fifth time. He had a killer headache but he couldn't remember why. "Your physiology is incompatable with the alien technology. And to be perfectly honest, I'm not entirely happy with the rest of SG-1 participating in this experiment at all." In fact, Hammond couldn't remember actually agreeing to it. But it had been a busy day, he reasoned, and it must just have slipped his mind.
"They appear to be enjoying themselves greatly," Teal'c observed. "Unlike myself," he added reproachfully.
"Yes, I can see that," said Hammond dryly, rubbing at his temples. "However, they've become very silly, and I think it's about time the experiment was stopped."
"I believe the armbands are impossible to remove," Teal'c told him. "Anise said they would not come off until it was most inconvenient."
"Yes, well, I might just see Doctor Fraiser about getting their arms surgically removed," said Hammond.
*********************************************************************
In the Infirmary, SG-1 were sitting around waiting for Anise to perform tests. They were having immense fun running around the room at incredible speed, rearranging things whilst she wasn't looking and constantly swapping places so that one minute she was talking to Daniel, the next minute Sam was sitting in his place. Anise was becoming annoyed.
"If you will not take this experiment seriously, I shall be forced to terminate the study by prematurely discontinuing your miserable little lives," she warned. However, since all of SG-1 had become incredibly stupid due to the armbands, they none of them knew what she was talking about.
"Hey, Anise, d'you even know what all those long words mean?" Sam giggled.
"Yeah, and have you worked out what the hell's going on with these armbands yet?" Daniel added.
"Also, where's my cake?" asked Jack. "You haven't given me any cake yet."
"Colonel O'Neill," Anise rounded on him sternly. "So far today you have eaten a total of twenty-eight doughnuts, fourteen slices of pie, nine energy bars, eleven packets of candy and six smores, which I believe were cooked over the Bunsen burners in Major Carter's lab. I am sure you will survive without the cake."
"Yeah, well, that's the funny thing," said Jack, flicking his yoyo round so fast that the string broke, sending it careening out into the corridor where it hit Gate Technician Davis square between the eyes. "There doesn't seem to be a single scrap of cake left on this whole damn base. Not one slice. Not that smores aren't nice, it's just that... I was promised cake."
He fixed Anise with an incriminating look. She mistook it for sultry and seductive and made a mental note to pass the tip on to Freya, should she ever let the poor girl resurface from the subconcious. Truth be told, she was having a little too much fun right now to let Miss Goody-two-piece-leather-ensemble spoil it with some sense of morality.
"I will get you some cake as soon as any becomes available," she said. "But for now I would like to conduct more tests. You seem to have an increased level of hormones in your blood--"
At this point she was cut off by a loud slam! Cowboy film music rolled into the Infirmiry. Anise turned to see Doctor Janet Fraiser framed in the doorway, hat tipped at a jaunty angle, gunbelt slung on one hip, dry ice roiling about her feet.
"Anise," she snarled. "This base ain't big enough for the both of us."
"Hey Janet, cool get-up," Sam called. "Where'd you get all the smoke and stuff?"
"Storage Room X," said Janet with a sultry toss of her head. "Level twenty-nine."
"Wow, that place is legendary!" said Sam. "Howd'ya find it?"
"I'll explain it all later, sweetheart," said Janet, lost in the moment. "But first, I've got this snakehead to get rid of!"
She whipped out a Magnum Revolver and pointed it at Anise.
"Alright, say your prayers, punk!" she growled.
"Hah!" Anise laughed. "I knew it would come to this, DOCTOR. So I have brought with me - a Gou'uld forceshield!"
Zat! The forceshield was up. Anise smirked from behind its shimmering barrier.
"I'm ready for you," Janet quipped back. She tossed aside the Magnum and pulled out a crossbow. "It's all about the velocities, isn't it? Let's see if this can get through!"
"No!! Foiled!!" cried Anise. But at that moment Hammond walked in, inadvertently saving Anise's life once again.
"Doctor Fraiser, what are you doing with that?" he asked.
"I was just demonstrating to Anise some traditional Earth weapons, sir," Janet explained innocently, whilst still pointing the crossbow in Anise's direction and never once breaking eye contact.
"Well, put it away, would you?" said Hammond. "I need you to surgically remove SG-1's arms."
"Sir?" said Sam.
"Sir?" said Jack.
"General?" said Daniel.
"Sir? said Janet.
"What happened?" asked Gate Technician Davis, who had just come around in the corridor outside.
"You heard me right," said Hammond sternly. "This has gone on long enough. Unless you can think of some other way to get those armbands off..."
"Well, sir, I've been thinking," said Janet. "If we could set SG-1 up in a dangerous situation, and somehow trap Major Carter so that she and Colonel O'Neill can have an angst-filled moment when they finally realise that their feelings for each other are mutual but they're both going to die so it doesn't matter anyway, then we could get the armbands off and set up a nice premise for a future episode at the same time."
"I suppose it is about time we gave the Shippers something," mused General Hammond.
"We've given them enough clues, after all," said Janet. "If they haven't figured it out by now then they must be in a permanent state of denial."
"Figured what out?" asked Sam.
*********************************************************************
"Carter, I swear your hair has changed again," said Colonel O'Neill as they headed out of the Infirmary and back to the lock-up. Janet had suggested that the armbands would be far more likely to come off if they disobeyed a direct order.
"What? I don't know what you mean..." Sam began.
"Yes you do," said Jack accusingly. "It's short again. And it's lighter. I do notice these things, ya know."
"Yes, why DO you notice when I change my hair?" Sam asked suspiciously. "I swear Teal'c and Daniel never pay any attention to it."
Jack stopped, and turned around to face her.
"Carter, let me ask you something," he said. "You remember how worried I was about you when you got taken over by Jolinar?"
"Yes," said Sam patiently, frowning a little.
"And you remember that we were engaged in another universe, and that I kissed the Samantha from that other other universe goodbye?"
"Yes."
"And you know all the smiling and hand touching and flirting that goes on between us?"
"Yes, but that's just a joke, sir."
"Right, well... does this... suggest anything to you?"
Sam frowned. "I'm not sure what you mean, sir," she said.
Jack just stared at her. "You know what, forget it," he said. "You'll get it soon enough; Janet's got it all planned out..."
********************************************************************
"Janet, why is it always me that ends up in the 'victim' situation?" Sam complained as they shared a pre-mission coffee in the Doctor's office. "Captured, taken over by the Tok'ra, possessed by an alien computer virus that overwrites my personality..."
"Hey, that's not happening for another half a season!" Janet protested. "Where did you find out about that?"
"I read the spoilers online," Sam told her. "And I don't think it's fair. Why can't someone else get into trouble for a change?"
"It's so Jack can have lots of angsty moments over you and give all the Shippers something to talk about," Janet explained.
"But I don't understand that," Sam said. "I mean, it's not like there's REALLY anything going on, right?"
Janet sighed. She knew her friend still hadn't got over the denial she had shown in 100 Days; in fact the plan with armbands was just an elaborate cover-up of a much more important mission: to get Sam to realise that there WAS a ship, and that she was on it, and that there wasn't much chance of her getting off any time soon. It had been going on long enough. Janet was starting to get fed up. There wasn't nearly enough gossip on base; there was only so many times you could tell the story of 'what Jack's done to Daniel's coffee this morning' before you started to lose your faith in the world and began seriously considering throwing yourself at an activating wormhole.
"Look, just concentrate on getting stuck behind that forceshield," she said to Sam. "Jack can take care of the rest."
********************************************************************
Meanwhile, back in the lock-up, Jack sat playing with his yoyo. He had been moved to solitary confinement after said yoyo had hit, repeatedly, Daniel's head, the security camera, a vase of flowers, and the screen of Carter's computer. For his own safety and the integrity of the base he had been put in a room with very little furniture and virtually no glass, although no force in heaven or hell was going to part him from his yoyo.
It was as he was sitting there that Freya burst in, looking flustered and slightly guilty in a figure hugging, cleavage building, all-leather dress.
"Colonel, I must speak with you on a matter of some urgency," she said.
Jack looked worried. "What's that?" he asked.
"I love you deeply," said Freya. "I wish us to have--"
"Whoa! Whoa!" Jack leaped to his feet. "Hold up there!"
"I don't understand," said Freya with a frown. "Do you not find me attractive? I wear leather all the time and show a lot of my skin. Also, I'm very forward. Does this not turn you on?"
"Well, to be honest, no," Jack said apologetically. "I prefer less... slutty women."
"Is there someone else to whom you are loyal?" Freya asked innocently.
"Well, yes," said Jack. "There's Sam, ya see. I know she's way too good for me, and I haven't done anything to deserve her, and frankly the 'ship isn't going anywhere fast because of all the damn regs and everything, but still, I love her, so I'm not going to sleep with you. Also, you're a tramp."
"Is it because I share my body with Anise?" Freya asked. "She is far more interested in Doctor Jackson on an intellectual level, but she would have to suffer."
"No, it's fine, she won't have to suffer at all," said Jack firmly. "This is just wrong. Very, very wrong. On so many levels. I'm gonna say it again, just in case it didn't get into your thick skull the first time around. THIS IS WRONG. It is not happening, because it is wrong. And weird. Also very very wrong."
"Alright, I get the point," said Freya sulkily.
"Yes, it is wrong!" roared Anise. There was a dying squeek as Freya was once again pushed beneath the more dominant personality. "How dare you make a move on a guy I don't even like whilst I'm resting?! You know I get to pick all the men!"
"No, don't even think about arguing. We are not having sex with Colonel O'Neill."
"No, not even once. I refuse!"
"You stupid woman! Silence!!"
"Um, ladies?" said Jack hesitantly. "Could you perhaps take this outside? Only I'm trying to untangle my yoyo, and I need some peace and quiet."
********************************************************************
It was some time later that Colonel O'Neill was snoozing on his bed. He was awoken by the sounds of sultry jazz music wafting into his little cell. He opened his eyes to see that a little table with a candle in a bottle and a single red rose in a vase had been placed just beside his door. There was a whisky bottle and a revolver on the table as well. Sleazy jazz continued to fill the room. The lights were turned down, and there was a distinct waft of cigarette smoke on the air.
"Er... hello?" Jack ventured.
"Colonel," said a voice. "I've been expecting you."
"Well, this IS my cell," Jack pointed out.
"Don't waste talk. Si'down," the voice continued, low, sultry, female. Jack got up warily and sat at the little table. Janet leant forward, an exquisite cigarette holder in her hand, and blew out the white smoke in his face.
"I know all about you, O'Neill," she said huskily. "Who you are, what you want, what makes you tick. I've seen you around, watched the way you walk, heard the way you talk."
"Doc, you're my Doc," Jack said. "You've seen me a lot."
"I know," Janet said with a toss of the head. "I see you all the time, and I just can't hide it any more. I don't know why I find you so attractive, I just do!"
In one swift movement, Janet rose from the table, flung the cigarette aside, and stradled across the Colonel's lap. Jack went 'Eerk!' and froze in fear.
"Make love to me, Colonel!" Janet implored. "I can't stand it any longer, I need you, I want you! Take me now, no one need ever know! It'll be our secret, just the two of us, something for us to remember for always, this one moment of stolen passion--"
"Uh, Doc?" Jack interupted. "I think you've been spending a little too much time in Storage Room X."
Janet slumped. "Yep, I think you're right," she said resignedly. "But I found this great dress," she continued, indicating what she was wearing, "and then the jazz music and the candle and the rose and the revolver--"
"Doc!" said Jack. "I think you should stay out of there for a while."
"I guess you're right," Janet sighed. "Daniel said the same thing."
"You mean you tried this gig on Daniel too?"
"Oh, no, it was a different one for Daniel," said Janet absently. "The forlorn French aristocrat. Great dress, that one. And for Teal'c I tried the Queen of Sheba outfit, although I think the camels were taking it a bit too far--"
"Enough!" cried Jack, before any more unwanted details should spill out. "Just... lock that place up and don't go back in it again."
Janet sighed. Sometimes it seemed like she was the only one on the base with any sense of fun.
*********************************************************************
"She made a pass at me," Jack told Daniel a little later.
"Sam?" Daniel asked.
"I wish," Jack replied.
"Freya?"
"Nope. Well, yeah, but that wasn't the one I was thinking of."
Daniel frowned. "Anise?"
"No, she likes you."
"I give up."
"Janet."
"Janet."
There was a long pause.
"As in Doctor Fraiser, Janet?"
"Yep, the same."
"I think I need more coffee," said Daniel.
*********************************************************************
At last it was time to go. A disgruntled Teal'c had locked himself in Carter's lab and was refusing to come out until someone brought him some cake. The rest of SG-1 gathered in the locker room.
"Well, guess it's time to be off," said Jack.
"Can we run into the Control Room, knock out the technicians, lock down the system and run out from underneath everyone's noses?" Sam asked hopefully.
"Carter, Hammond is letting us go," Jack explained with a sigh. "We don't have to do any of that stuff."
"I know, but it would be a lot more fun," said Sam wistfully.
"Alright, we'll do it your way," Jack agreed, knowing how wickedly she would sulk if he didn't let her have her fun.
"Yes!!" cried Sam, leaping about and punching the air. "Wahoo, wahoo! Danny, you'll never guess what! We get to knock out the guards, lock down the system and escape from under Hammond's nose!"
"I thought we were just leaving the normal way?" Daniel said worriedly, clutching at his coffee mug for comfort.
"Colonel says we can do it like this cos it'll be more fun," Sam giggled excitedly. "Come on, Daniel, you're gonna love it!"
"I'm not sure..." Daniel said, but Jack and Sam had already run from the room and he had no choice but to follow.
In the control room, Tech Guy Davis was the first to get it in the neck. 'Just my luck' he thought wryly as he went down. 'Another typical day at the SGC. And when I wake up it'll still be "Chevron five engaged, incoming wormhole" for the rest of the day.........'
By this point SG-1 were already out of the doors and off up the ramp on their way to destroy an impossibly huge and extremely advanced warship by means of a few well-placed packages of C-4, due to the fact that all such huge and extremely advanced warships have certain places onboard that are vulnerable to low-tech, low-power weaponary. This is, in fact, by order of Intergalactic Convention, which states that: 'No space faring vessel, planetary orbiter, satellite, transporter or other large and powerful vehicle designed for full scale stellar war may be constructed without at least one place where it is vulnerable to low-tech, low-scale, low-power attack by teenagers, rebels, renegade soldiers or small teddybears; in order to ensure fairness, political balance, and a narratively satisfying plot device that will allow the hero(s) reasonable chance to save the world whilst also allowing for the opportunity to utter the words: "Just go on without me." Notes: Other words that convey the same or similar meaning may be spoken. 'Reasonable chance' is defined as being just risky enough to look very heroic and suicidal but not so risky that anyone actually dies in the undertaking.'
*********************************************************************
General Hammond surveyed the fallen in the Control Room.
"Let's get a medical team up here," he said with a sigh. "I said I would just let them go," he added to himself.
"General!" Anise cried, entering the room with swift and purposeful stride. "How can you let them go? I am in the middle of my experiment!"
"I thought you wanted them to go on this ridiculous mission?" Hammond said. "It was your idea in the first place."
"Actually, my covert mission was something entirely different. I mearly wished them to seek the Lost Wardrobe of Hathor. I believe it to contain many outfits that I would be well suited to wearing."
Hammond frowned. His memories of Hathor were hazy to say the least, but all in all he didn't remember her wearing much. If indeed there was a Lost Wardrobe of Hathor somewhere in the galaxy, Anise would be in sartorial heaven.
"Well, anyway, they're gone now," Hammond said absently. He still had a headache, and the more he thought about it, the more he seemed to think that it had something to do with Anise.
"General!" came a breathless gasp from the doorway. It was Janet. "Oh, General, what happened? It's simply too aweful..."
"Yes, thank you, Doctor, we're not in a soap opera," Hammond said patiently. "Just patch these guys up, would you? We need them back by next episode; no one else knows how to dial up the gate, and that David's voice has come to be rather reassuring."
"It's Davis, sir," said Tech Guy Davis.
"Yes, right," said Hammond.
Janet, meanwhile, had caught sight of Anise skulking in the shadows. Drawing a beautifully crafted Japanese Samurai sword, she advanced purposefully. Bringing the Katana whistling down toward's Anise's neck, she held it there threateningly.
"Don't mess with my patients," she warned darkly. "I know what you've done to them. I know you're trying to ruin the 'ship by making a pass at Jack. But I'm warning you; I'm on to you. I know who you are. I know where you live. I know where you get your hair done - I also know where you could get it done better, and get some better clothes whilst your at it. The point is, I WILL find you, and when I do--"
"Doctor!" Hammond called out. "These people need medical attention. And I can't let you keep threatening Anise in this way."
"I'm sorry, sir," said Janet, stepping away from Anise's neck. "I just don't like her. There's something about her I don't trust." Anise fell in a dead faint on the floor.
*********************************************************************
Meanwhile, SG-1's mission was going brilliantly. Teal'c had been tempted out of Carter's lab and sent after them, and Daniel's armband had already fallen off. Teal'c caught up with them in the corridor of Apophis' ship.
"It appears that my assistance is required after all," he said smugly, slinging Daniel roughly over his shoulder.
"Yep, we need you to get Daniel out of the way so we can have some one-on-one angst," said Jack cheerfully. "So me and Carter are just going to go and do something pointless that's not exactly explained in the plot but is nevertheless necessary so that she ends up on one side of a forcefield and I end up on the other. We'll see you later."
And with that he zoomed off.
Teal'c ran down the corridor. About halfway to the exit, Daniel woke up and began to protest.
"Put me down! Where's Sam and Jack?"
"I believe they are having a shippy moment in one of the corridors," Teal'c explained calmly. "Colonel O'Neill wished them to be alone."
"Ah, right," said Daniel. "Hopefully Sam will finally realise that there IS a ship..."
"Indeed, it is to be hoped," Teal'c agreed. "I have a wager with General Hammond that Major Carter will become aware of her own feelings before anyone realises that my ridiculous beard is in fact false, and I am forced to give it up for medical studies."
Daniel said nothing.
In another part of the ship [hee hee], Sam and Jack were stuck. Just as Janet had predicted, the armbands had fallen off in the most awkward of situations, and now they were stuck, Sam on the inside of the forcefield and Jack on the outside.
"Hot damn!" said Jack. "How am I supposed to get you out of there?"
"You can't, sir," said Sam. "And if you stay here you'll just die yourself. Honestly, there's no point. You know my contract doesn't expire till the end of the season; I can't die yet."
"I know. But I still can't leave you here," said Jack. "You never know, those poxy writers could always decide to cut you out without warning. Look at poor Amber Benson. As soon as she made the credits, bam! shot in the chest, just like that."
"This is a little different to that, sir," Sam said, not sure exactly what he was getting at. "I've read the spoilers, I know I'm in the next episode."
Jack sighed. "Look, the point I'm trying to get across here, Carter, is that I will not leave without you. Even if it means I could very well die myself."
"But sir, I don't want you to die!" Sam protested.
Then she went 'oh' very quietly.
There was a long pause.
"That's what they mean by 'ship', isn't it?" she asked quietly.
"Yes," said Jack. "That's what they mean by ship."
"But we can't be together. It's against regulations."
"Yes it is," said Jack sadly.
"Oh," said Sam again.
Then the C-4 went off, and the shield went down.
"Right on time," said Jack.
"Hang on: you knew that would happen?" Sam accused.
"Well, yeah," Jack confessed. "I've read some spoilers too," he grinned.
Outside, they found Daniel and Teal'c playing Rock Paper Scissors to pass the time whilst they waited for the ship to be over.
"Have you had your moment of angst?" Teal'c asked as they approached.
"Yep, all angst'd out and ready to go," said Jack. "Back to the Stargate!"
*********************************************************************
Back in the SGC, it was taking four strong Airmen to wrestle the chainsaw out of Janet's hands.
"Let me at her!" she squealed. "I'll kill her!"
"General Hammond, I wish to leave at once!" Anise implored. "My life is not safe here!"
"Well, I can't argue with that," said Hammond. "Technician Davey?"
"It's Davis, sir," said Tech Guy Davis with a resigned sigh.
"Dial up the Tok'ra homeworld. Whatever it happens to be at the moment."
"Yes sir," said Davis. Flexing his fingers, he set the dialling sequence in motion, pressed 'Enter' with a flourish, and stood up.
"All right, ladies and gentlemen, roll up, roll up!" he cried, grabbing the microphone and standing in the middle of the Control Room. "Here today for your delectition and delight, the Tok'ra Homeworld! That's Chevron One, locked and in place, moving on to Chevron two... And that's locked without trouble! What a very smooth show we have here for you today, ladies and gents. Chevron Three now, we've had some trouble with this one in the past... But no! It's locked and engaged without a hitch! Chevron four, by the way, I've always considered to be lucky, it's the lower left hand Chevron in case you were wondering, and it's locked for us now; Chevron five is the one just above it... Now normally this stage of the dialling process is where someone starts to express concern over the procedure - this is of course so we get almost all the way to Chevron Seven and a stable wormhole before we abort in the nick of time and avert whatever impending disaster Major Carter has predicted! And Chevron Six has just locked for us, so if you have any worries, now's the time to say! It all rests on this last one, Chevron Seven, the point of origin... And it's engaged! That's a beautiful sight! We have wormhole, repeat, we have a stable outgoing wormhole! Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, thank you, I'll be here all week."
He sat down again. Anise stared.
"Right," she said, and went home as quickly as she dared. Janet watched her, growling quietly.
Only a few minutes later, the Gate lit up as SG-1 dialled in from their mission to destroy Apophis' ship and get Sam to realise that she was in love with Jack.
"The Stargate glows blue and white,
Wormhole incoming
At once the Iris closes," said Tech Guy Davis.
"What was that?" Hammond demanded.
"A haika," Davis replied. "I thought I'd use them from now on whenever I have to make an announcement."
General Hammond just sighed. It had been a trying enough day without attempting to understand what the hell was going on.
"A signal comes from beyond,
Lost, calling for home;
Lo, SG-1's Iris Code," sang Davis merrily. He was starting to feel quite cheerful.
*********************************************************************
A few hours later, Sam, Jack, Daniel and Teal'c sat in Sam's living room, eating ice cream and watching bad TV.
"Quite an eventful day, huh?" said Jack, reaching for the cookie dough Ben and Jerry's.
"I'll say," said Sam. "I finally discovered what all that talk of 'ship' is about. You know, I really thought they were referring to some kind of spaceship..."
"Uh, Sam, isn't your hair different again?" Daniel asked. "I mean, it's longer. A lot longer."
And indeed, Sam did now have hair as long as Legolas Greenleaf, and just as blonde. She simply shrugged, and went back to her ice cream.
"Is it not true, Major Carter, that the style of your hair is directly linked to your emotional state?" Teal'c accused. Sam looked shifty.
"When you are feeling vulnerable, it becomes shoulder length," Teal'c continued. "When you are feeling confident and ready for action, it becomes very short. And now that you are feeling content and loved, it has become long and golden."
There was a pregnant pause.
"All right," Sam sighed. "I found this device on PR0-VE+ that alters your hair according to your mood and feelings at the time. I just thought it would be fun."
They turned back to the TV, eating ice cream in companiable silence.
"So, what I want to know is: when do you two get to kiss?" said Daniel.
Sam and Jack looked at each other.
"I've read the spoilers," said Sam. "It's another couple of episodes. There's a time loop, so I won't remember it."
"We can't have that," said Jack. He kissed Sam. She kissed him back. Daniel told them to get a room and Teal'c threw a cushion at them.
At that moment Janet arrived. She was not dressed to kill, acting like life was a soap opera, carrying any form of weapon or in any other way dramatising the situation.
"Hey, you guys," she said. "I brought cookies."
"Janet, come in," said Sam, taking her coat. "We thought you might have been having some kind of play-act with Siler or something."
"Nope, I've locked up Storage Room X," said Janet. "Here: you'd better take these. The keys and the directions on how to get there."
Sam frowned. "But Janet, I thought you loved that place."
"I did," Janet replied. "But it was all make believe. And I'd rather have real friends and real cookies and - is that real ice cream?"
Sam laughed. "Yes it is," she said. "Grab a spoon and help yourself."
"Hey Jack," Sam teased as she sat back down on the sofa, chinking the keys at him. "Wanna play dress up?"
In one swift motion, Jack grabbed the keys and hurled them out of the window. They landed in the pond.
"A world of no," he said as he sat down again.
"Now, what I really want to know," he said, as they settled back down to an evening of cookies, ice cream, and friends so close that they counted as family. "What I REALLY want to know is: what DID happen to my cake?"
*******End*****************
Story Notes: Title: "Cake" or "How Sam Realised She Was On A Ship And Anise Got A Bitch Slapping."
Spoilers: Upgrades, Divide and Conquer, the tiniest hint of Entity and Window of Opportunity.
Status: Well, no one's beta'd it yet, so if you spot any mistakes, obvious flaws etc. please let me know :0)
Notes: Ok, this is the first fic i've ever posted. ever. Not the first one i've ever written, just the first one i've ever dared share with the public in general. It's a comedy of sorts (being of dubious humour) and is the product of my deranged mind (so it doesn't make a huge amount of sense); but i'd still like the feedback. Who doesn't? Even if you only laughed once, and that was at how bad my writing is... :0p LUV Gen xxx
Alrighty, on with the show!
Spoilers: Upgrades, Divide and Conquer, the tiniest hint of Entity and Window of Opportunity.
Status: Well, no one's beta'd it yet, so if you spot any mistakes, obvious flaws etc. please let me know :0)
Notes: Ok, this is the first fic i've ever posted. ever. Not the first one i've ever written, just the first one i've ever dared share with the public in general. It's a comedy of sorts (being of dubious humour) and is the product of my deranged mind (so it doesn't make a huge amount of sense); but i'd still like the feedback. Who doesn't? Even if you only laughed once, and that was at how bad my writing is... :0p LUV Gen xxx
Alrighty, on with the show!
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]