Why Did You Kiss Him? by Michelle Birkby

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Story Notes: SPOILERS; INTO THE FIRE, THE FIRST COMMANDMENT
ONE PERSON ASKED FOR A SEQUEL WITH HAPPY ENDING, THE OTHER THOUGHT IT DIDN'T NEED ONE, SO THIS'LL PROBABLY PLEASE NO ONE, BUT I LIKED WRITING IT. THERE WILL BE A SEQUEL (OR MORE) TO THIS, THOUGH (IF YOU WANT THEM)

"Why did you kiss him?"

I turned around to see Jack standing in my doorway. It's a surprise. For the past week or so, I've been half-hoping, half-dreading, always expecting he'd ask, but he didn't. He was quiet, our conversations were slightly strained, but he seemed okay, and the subject of that other Daniel never came up. I thought he'd dropped it, that it wasn't as important as I had thought it would be. But now, here he is, standing in the doorway of my room on base, and although it is dark, and I can't quite see his face, I know it has cost him dearly to ask.

I wish I could answer.

"Sam..."

I love it when he says my name. He only says it when he wants to show he cares about me, and there's a softness in his tone when he says it that I've never heard before. I don't think I've ever called him Jack. I wish I could, but saying his name, his first name, would just feel too... intimate. So I stick with Colonel, a constant reminder of his rank, and my official position as his second in command.

"I know its none of my business." he stammers, looking down at the floor, twisting his cap round and round. "I know I have no right to ask, but... but... dammit, I'm no good at this!"

I said nothing, holding my breath, waiting for him to leave. He doesn't though. He moves a little further into the room, into the light, and now I can see his face. He looks like a man trying so hard to control himself, while desperate, utterly desperate to let himself go.

"Sir?" I ask, and his face freezes at that one cold syllable.

"I have to tell you." he said simply. "I thought you knew perhaps... I hoped you knew... but now I'm not sure. I have to tell you, just in case."

I moved back a little, so now my face was in darkness, and turned, so I couldn't see him. I didn't want to see him. I didn't want him looking into my eyes, reaching down into me, making me forget ranks and regulations, and what happened with Jonas. I didn't want to fall in love, and he would be so easy to fall in love with.

He took a deep breath. "Okay, here goes. Do you remember Hathor? Well, of course you do, stupid question. Well, when you came back for me, you came to wake me up, I was nearly dead, do you remember? I was almost there Sam. I thought 'just close your eyes, and its all over. All the pain, all the hurt, all the hopelessness and futility, just close your eyes, and you can see Charlie again.' Then I heard your voice. I turned to you, and Hathor was killing you, and I came back. I did the impossible and came back, and killed her, not for me, for you. I thought she had killed you. I thought that crumpled heap on the floor was your body. But thank God, you were alive, and I held you so tight, so close, just wanting, for one moment for us to be just Sam and Jack, together, only us, not Captain Carter and Colonel O'Neill, no regulations or wars or other people. Don't you remember?"

Yes I remember. I remember the desperate look in his eyes. I remember seeing him so clearly, seeing his emotions so clear in his eyes, and then he held me. No, he didn't just hold me, he pulled me tight into him, and held me like I was life itself, clinging on to me like a drowning man does a life raft. At first I was surprised, then pleased, then full of joy as I realised what he was feeling, an utter total love for me... ME.

Then I remembered Jonas. I remembered how Jonas had clung to me. How desperate he had been. And how that desperation for me had led into an obsessive control of me, an insane jealousy, and finally into madness and death. For a long time, I had felt that I had the mark of death on me, that any man who loved me was cursed. Then I realised how ridiculous that was. But still, I remembered Jonas' stifling, oppressive love, and had decided that I wasn't going to fall in love again for a long time. Or if I did, to deny it. Keep away. Keep him and I safe, away from Jonas's curse.

So I pulled away from the hug. And now, I pulled away from him. I didn't look at him. I knew if I did, all the good intentions and bad memories in the world couldn't stop me from rushing into his arms there and then, and that would be disastrous for both of us.

"Sam..." he said, almost shyly. It was odd. Put the man on a battlefield, surrounding by bloodthirsty soldiers all baying for his blood, and vastly outnumbering him, and he's fearless. Flippant, insolent, arrogant and immortal. Yet here, in a small room, alone with one woman, he's unsure and almost afraid. "Sam, I'm trying to say I love you." he said quietly.

Oh God. Despite myself, a little pool of joy suddenly warms me. And yet... once Jonas used those exact same words.

"Sir..."

"You don't love me, do you?" he said.

I said nothing. What could I say? Sorry? This isn't a good time? What about Sara? I love you?

"Just tell me what you want Sam, and I'll do it." he said, in a voice so gentle it almost broke my heart. "If you want me to leave, I'll do it."

"I just want things back the way they were!" I cry, spinning round, suddenly faced with him.

Smiling gently, trying to reassure me, give me what I want, but oh god, there's tears on his face.

"I want it all the same as it was before he came. I want it all back to normal."

He reached forward, and cupped my cheek in his hand briefly. "Whatever you want, Major Carter." and then he left.

I still can't do it. I can't even call him Jack, let alone tell him I love him. The image of Jonas just keeps rising up before me, mocking me, warning me, destroying me.

The End.

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