It all happened so fast...
So very fast. And there was nothing we could do.
Looking back now, part of me almost feels like it was for the best. I know that sounds crazy, hell that sounds really crazy, but I still believe that. I like to think that now, maybe, there exists something that could never have been. Something that was more important to me than what I lost. I know Teal'c feels the same, because we discussed it at length, but we don't talk about it to the others. They wouldn't understand.
They never saw its beginnings like we did, never saw it grow, constrained as it was by rules and regulations, and by a pair of stubborn hearts. Janet understands, though she has only our word for it, and even Hammond to a certain extent, but they never saw what we saw. I mean... I might be crazy... but I know what I saw. And Teal'c saw too. And that split second, that glimpse of beyond took away all the hurt and pain, and sent a sliver of hope, and warmth to my torn and aching heart. Oh we grieved. We cried and mourned and stood at the funeral and held the flag. Of course we did. We had to. It's expected. But secretly, secretly I knew things were better now, things were finally as they should have been. I think it's because it gave me hope you see? About Sha're. That maybe... maybe it would be the same for us. I don't know... I don't know. Still... it's time to go now.
I pick my pack up from the floor of the embarkation room and slip it on my back. Teal'c walks over with what I swear is a smile on his face. He shakes his head, and I look back towards the door to where our team-mates stand. I can't help but smile in return. They are standing in the doorway, pausing to hitch their packs. The two of them already look like they've been sharing some great joke, and he leans in towards her and whispers something into her ear, eyebrows waggling. She looks up at him with disgust, and slaps him across the chest. He grins. She grins. All is as it should be. They saunter over to where we stand and I grin at Teal'c. He raises one eyebrow at me and I have to turn away at the implications of that one, simple gesture from our normally stoic Jaffa. The Colonel and the Captain step up to the gate and she smiles and nods at me, blonde hair bobbing as she does so.
"You ready Daniel?"
I nod.
We walk forward, event horizon beckoning, and as we do so, I find myself thinking about that day that happened seemingly so long ago. A day that changed everything... and all of us.
******
Jeez... this place is weird...
... and I have a really bad feeling about it...
I pause just inside the gate and turn around to catch the entry of my team-mates. Danny stumbles through as ever, but he forgets all about it as he straightens and looks around the room, a wordless "wow" slips from his lips. I smile. Always the same eh Danny boy? I must admit, I give this place an official O'Neill "wow" as well. It's weird... like I said. Teal'c steps through then, and casts an unimpressed eye over the immediate surroundings. I wonder what he's thinking inside? Maybe the Jaffa equivalent of wow? Another squelch from the gate and I turn to see my Captain. The gate/wormhole combination decides it's her turn for a rough ride, and pitches her head over heels onto the iridescent floor. She lands roughly on her feet, and almost topples, but instantly sorts her self out, stretching out a hand to aid her balance as she looks from side to side, open mouthed.
"Wo... ow!!!!!"
She jerks to her feet then, and looks down at her hand. I see blood there, and on the floor where she touched it, and in a flash I am by her side.
"Carter?... what happened?"
I take her hand ever so carefully in mine and gently turn it over, examining the wound. Her palm and finger tips are slashed in an irregular fashion, though none of the cuts are deep. I drop her hand then and reach into her supplies for the med-pack.
"The floor is sharp!"
"Yes" Replies Teal'c. "It appears to be glass... hmm"
"Great" I say. That's all we need. "No-one touch anything!" I deliver that last comment with a firm stare at Daniel. He does his very best to look innocent, and when he realises just what I'm implying he treats me with a look of contempt, and disbelief. I look away and quickly look back at Sam with a shake of my head. She's watching me as I apply a field dressing to her wound. She looks quite amused. And I know why.
"Sorry it's not very good" I look up sheepishly into her eyes, and meeting them she beams at me. God, a smile like that makes my days worth living. She tells me it's okay, and I take an extra long swim in those blue, blue eyes. I actually manage a not half-bad dressing for once, well for me anyway, and I'm rather amazed that I can do so under the intense scrutiny of her candid gaze She thanks me as I tape the end down, and I give her hand a last gentle pat. I watch her as she looks up then, my nursing duties over, as she extends her graceful neck to take in the whole room, eyes sparkling with her singular insatiable curiosity as I imagine a million questions and replies whirling around her brain. I love the fact that she's so smart. Many people out there would hate the fact that their much smarter subordinate, not to mention a woman, would be responsible for getting them out of trouble on so many occasions. Me?... I wouldn't have it any other way. She smiles, and oblivious to me once more she takes another step into the room. God she's beautiful.
I really shouldn't think things like that. I know I shouldn't. Huh. I still tell myself that, ever since I started to have feelings like that about her a year ago. It worked then. I was scared shitless when I caught myself looking at her one day with a dopey expression on my face, and several rather risqué scenarios running through my head as I watched her work out in the gym. It took me by surprise you see? Up till a few months before, I still loved Sara. Or still thought I did anyway. When that began to fade, I rather sadly resigned myself to being alone. I was happy enough with that, I had my team. I had Danny, Sam and Teal'c.
After a while though, I began to find a different, subtler pleasure in Sam's company. Once more, like a damn teenager, her smiles and comments could make or break my day, her laughter at my jokes a warming balm around my body, making me feel like a real human being again. The first time since Charlie's death.
Jack. You're a sad old man Jack.
With a heavy sigh I move off, absently following in Sam's footsteps. Jack you old fool. What the hell are you doing falling in love with her? I try and tell myself I'm not, and it's just the fact that we're all so close that naturally draws me to her. Rubbish. I've got other female friends. None so close as Sam mind, but none of them give me a little shiver of pleasure when they greet me with a smile in the morning, and none of them make me tremble inside, and make these old bones ache with a need I had thought long gone when I see her stripped to her panties and T-shirt.
I keep quiet though. God knows what she'd think if she knew I looked at her that way. Yes, there are regulations, but by this point in my life I've already broken one or two, and what I'd get out of this one would be worth it. No. I say nothing because when she looks at me it's either respect, amusement, disbelief, and maybe even the occasional dash of affection. But nothing more. And to be honest, although I crave so much more, her gentle friendship and God knows tolerance of me is enough. It makes my days easier. So what if it makes some of my nights unbearable? It's enough.
It won't last forever though will it? Something will happen to spoil it, it always does. I've made a list in my head. She could be promoted, which should happen soon enough, then maybe she'll get a command of her own. Maybe that wouldn't be so bad though, as then I could maybe tell her how I feel, knowing that whatever she said wouldn't affect the team. Still... I don't think I would... as her friendship is so important to me, I couldn't live without it. No... what's much more likely is that she'll meet someone, someone else, and fall in love. Then... then I don't know what I'll do. I'll probably sulk for a little while... then get over it. I won't tell her then either, as I'd much rather see her happy than make my pointless play for her. So here I am. I take pleasure in her company, and live in eternal fear of this all coming to an end. Which it must I guess... as everything does.
A couple of times... maybe... I've seen something in her eyes, her movements, her speech, that spark a little pilot light of hope in my old, broken down heart, but I put it down to misinterpretation. Danny's said a few things as well, hinted that maybe, maybe she feels for me too, but with things the way they are right now, I can't be sure. And I have to be. Huh. Maybe I'm letting something slip away here... maybe she waits too, for some little sign from me, and none of us will move. It's too dangerous though... and I don't think Danny understands. Everything is safe here, and warm, and comfortable, and right now?... Right now we have time, and though doubtless a time will come when I realise it's too late, for now... for now things stay as they are.
Okay, enough time-wasting, where are my team? I look up now, and around, and once more I find my breath taken away by what I see. The gate room on P5J735 is one huge cube. The walls, floor and roof all appear to be identical, save for the gate set into one, and the "doorway" set into the wall opposite which is right in the centre of the wall. The DHD is also recessed into the wall, and sits high up by the centre of the gate.
"What is this stuff?... is it glass?"
Danny is leaning carefully over the doorway, examining the material it is made of. Every surface in here is made of the same stuff. It seems to be a glass-like substance, and each wall is made of what appears to be rough sheets of the stuff, stacked on top of one another and compressed into a kaleidoscope of colour. I look at the ground, and am glad we're wearing boots. The floor is the same, and we already know how sharp this stuff is.
"I have seen this substance before"
We all turn then, and Sam abandons whatever readout she is attempting to get and walks over to Teal'c, questions forming on her face. Danny pulls himself upright as well, and I'm glad he is no longer draping himself over a half-ton of potential Danny wounding dangerous stuff. I swing my gun over my arm, satisfied that there is no immediate threat, and turn to Teal'c.
"We must be deep underground on some planet. These are micia caves. They are built by secretions of a creature that were kept by Apophis."
"Nice. Nice décor" Danny gives me a hint of smile, but Sam's too far gone in thought to even notice me.
"Secretions? What kind of creature?"
Sam leads the questioning, and I can tell by the eager set of her jaw that she'll squeeze every last drop of info from poor old Teal'c. I move off then, listening as I go to take a look through that doorway. Peering through, I see there is another identical room with a further doorway on the opposite wall. Teal'c continues with his explanations.
"Micia are giant insectoid creatures, and they produce this glass like substance. They also occasionally produce great gems, almost as your oysters do. These gems were greatly valued by Apophis and his followers. I do not know why. We must search the other rooms. The Micia also produced different smaller gems, that were capable of storing great amounts of energy that could be recharged."
"Batteries?"
"I believe they are similar to your "batteries" O'Neill. Though much more powerful. They may be of use to your world."
"Okay then. Let's go have a look. Everybody be careful, no running. We don't want anyone to loose a finger on this stuff. Climb through this hole, no sitting on it!"
I guess I'm asking for trouble, but everyone makes it through okay, even Danny. As it looked from the outside, this room is identical, though a few of the walls are a different hue.
"This chamber is not as old as the one the gate is contained in. This colour will eventually become clear. The next chamber will be newer still"
"Any idea why?"
"I believe, Captain Carter, that the creatures were placed in a single chamber, hundreds of metres below the surface via a small tunnel. As it grows it carves out and creates the first chamber, Jaffa bring a gate here, and the creature goes on to carve out two further rooms, and create the stones of power. However, this has not been done in many centuries"
Fascinating. So we're walking on the droppings of some big Goa'uld bug. Uh oh. Why didn't I think to ask that question until now?
"Uh Teal'c? I hate to ask this but where is this creature now?
They all turn to look at me, and I see that Sam is very annoyed that she didn't think about it either. I wonder if that happens to her a lot, that battle between her military and scientific sides. I mean, I know she'd never put us in danger, but some times, that endless curiosity might just get her a little father into trouble that she should be. Still... it also gets us out if trouble, so I reckon it's a fair trade-off. Danny is looking worried more than anything else, and Teal'c turns to answer me.
"This place is old, it's resources used up. The creature will have been dead for many years"
"Good Teal'c... that's good... I... "
My next word is cut short as all of a sudden the ground starts to tremble beneath us. There is a horrible, shearing, tearing noise as the glass walls strain against one another. I swear the walls are screaming but I don't have time to think as the tremor increases, and I plant my feet firmly apart to retain my footing on this treacherous ground. As suddenly as it started, it's over, and I quickly check that everyone is okay. Luckily, I see that Teal'c has a fistful of Daniel's jacket, and Sam is okay too.
"What the hell was that?"
"Unknown Sir. Obviously a tremor of some kind but from our position here I don't know if it was natural or not."
"Okay... let's hurry things up a little... I don't want to stay here any longer than we need to"
Sam and Teal'c's face takes on a look that I know I too am wearing. Things have gone over the line from interesting, to being dangerous, and that's where military training kicks in. I signal Sam to stay by the doorway back to gate room, and Teal'c moves closer to Danny. Good Teal'c... you stay there. Keep him safe. I collect my muscles and hop up onto the next doorway, and down into the chamber beyond. It looks just like the first. There is some rubble in the far corner, and I carefully stalk over to examine it. Teal'c asks me if I've found anything, and after a careful searching with the muzzle of my MP5 I conclude that this trip is over, and it's time to head on home when the second tremor, more powerful than the first hits us.
This time the walls do more than scream, they move. At least I think they do. Either that or it's just the vibrations running up my legs and making my eyeballs do the shimmy. I hear myself start to yell, but the words don't come out quite right. I have to stumble back a few paces just to stay vaguely upright and then... once again... as soon as it started it has stopped...
"Everyone okay?... Danny?"
Danny is practically suspended over the floor, with only a hand at his collar keeping him from smashing into that razor sharp glass. Thanks again Teal'c. He seems to sense that "Daniel Jackson" needs more care than the rest of us. I hate to think what that stuff would do to Daniel's face. Sam... where's Sam? I whirl round only to find her concerned glance moving from us to the equipment that she had laid out, concerned to see if it's still working. She gives it a little shake, then pops the compartment on the side to check the internal workings. Typical Sam. I wander over there, still feeling a little shaky and stick my head over her shoulder with a big shit-eating grin.
"It's okay Sam... I'm just fine thanks for asking... "
She whirls around at the sound, and her expression flickers from "I want to punch your face for frightening me like that" to "Yes Sir... how very amusing you are". Oh. I think too much don't I? Well I certainly read far too much into every little thing Sam says and does. C'mon Colonel... important stuff going down in the real world!
"I'm trying to see if it managed to record that last tremor Sir, then we could see how much danger we're in. They could be perfectly natural and stable Sir"
"I don't care Carter, there's nothing here to interest us, and I don't fancy hanging around and having the roof fall in on us. We're out of here"
"But Colonel, this "glass" stuff has a physical structure that I've never seen before... It could use further research and... "
"That's a negative Captain, we get out of here, now"
She looks up at me, and a brief, oh so brief second of annoyance crosses her face, and is instantly replaced by respect, and obedience. After so long I can read every single thought that passes over her features, so very expressive are they. I wonder if she realises just how perfectly and easily her emotions are conveyed via her azure eyes and delicate, curving lips. I wonder if my face is the same? No... I don't think so. Through hardships and misery I have schooled these hard features of mine into a constant of blandness, to show none of the emotions I feel inside. Either that or I just don't feel those emotions anymore... Huh. That is... until Sam wheedled her way into my heart like some determined, insidious worm, bent on the sweet fruit at the centre. I used to be a hollow, echoing chamber surrounded by a dry, hard husk. Then... one by one, thanks to Sam and my two friends Danny and Teal'c... those dry old layers fell away, revealing a few last bastions of the man I used to be. Much though I am glad at this, that hard husk was also my protection, and now I have none...
Okay Jack... thinking over. Get your team out of here and back to the SGC. I have a distinctly bad feeling about all this... like I said. A deep, dark foreboding that tickles and gnaws at my guts and yet... though I feel all this... I find my eyes constantly drawn to Sam, and my mind thinking always of her. I don't know what's up with me... but as soon as we got to this place I felt something... something... I don't know. I think Sam feels it too. She's been skittish all day, and when I seek her out I find she's looking at me, or close by my side. I don't feel worried for Daniel... not as much as usual anyway... Maybe there's something in the atmosphere here, but whatever it is, it all condenses down into the simple fact that I want to get Sam, and the others of course, out of here as quickly as possible.
Then things get worse... as I somehow knew they must...
*****
Nice place this. Nice... calm... place. P7J134.
We step out the gate into a large broad-leaved forest. Teal'c looks at me, and the others sigh. Yeah. More trees. Still... I prefer the missions we get these days. Not so much the bold, trailblazing of before, but more gentle. I don't know why, but I feel a distinct sense of calm befall me, and I know the others don't feel it. As I look at them I feel my memory slip back a year, to that awful day when our world fell apart... .and yet somehow... somehow was made right.
I find I've wandered off again, and at the sound of Teal'c clearing his throat, I look back at the others to find them staring at me. I look down, and find I'm absently playing with a large, carved statue, gently letting my fingers trail across the time and weather roughened sandstone. Bad idea. And they know it. I smile, and gently take my hand away. Back to myself again, they move on and I follow. I almost have my attention fully focused on my job, when our illustrious leader mentions something about campers... and my mind wanders again... back in time... to when things began to go from bad... to worse...
*****
"Move!... move Daniel! Dial us out of here!"
I'm trying Jack... but with the ground shaking so much I find it hard to move directly to the DHD. The ground has started to pitch, and I stumble to one side, just managing to right myself. Oh God. The walls are staring to come away... they're starting to come away! Oh God... the glass... the glass will cut us to pieces! The ground lurches again, and this time I'm pitched forward, thankfully coming to land with my chest square against the DHD, I pull myself upright, but the breath is pushed out of me as Teal'c's massive form slams into me from behind.
"Hurry Daniel Jackson!"
I hurry, I hurry as fast as I can. Stretching up to reach the highest glyphs halfway up the wall, I punch in the code with Teal'c holding me steady from behind. Eventually, as I reach the last few, this tremor is starting to subside. Maybe it'll be alright after all. Then I notice the large cracks on the floor leading away from the gate. Oh God. Oh God I think we caused this by coming here. By activating the gate. But this thought comes too late, and sure enough, as the last chevron locks and the gate starts to activate, a new tremor announces it's arrival with a reverberating roar. I turn to locate the others, but they are so far away...
"Jack!... Sam! Hurry! It's the gate! The gate is causing the quakes!
I see them as they clamber towards the last doorway, and as they do so the bottom part, level with their hips, gives way and falls forward, making their passage easier. They are clutching at each other to keep their balance, but I swear there is something else as well, something desperate, some fear that makes them keep contact, and never let go until both are safe. I think I recognise that fear. That's a fear of having left things too late, of having wasted time. We've gotten out of worse though, so why is this arising so suddenly now? This is the last straw... when we get home from this... when... I'll make those two damn fools sit down and admit that they are in love! I promise I'll do whatever it takes, whatever I can to get those two together!
I turn again, one hand on the DHD to steady myself as I wait for them, and suddenly, suddenly as they duck through the doorway, one of the supporting walls tips away from it's moorings and falls towards my friends. I see them go down in a sudden cloud of glass dust, and hear Sam's shriek.
"No!... Sam!... Jack!"
The cloud stirs then, and I see them rise, holding one another, seemingly unhurt. My heart is pounding in my chest but the awful restriction disappears as I see them. The tremor is worse now, and the cracks in the floor have began to spread, portions of the floor start to tilt in skewed directions. Time is running out... the longer the gate is open, the more danger we're in. I'm wallowing in indecision when my choice is made for me.
"Danny!... *cough* *cough* Get through the damn gate!"
I stand steadfast, I won't move. I won't go till Jack and Sam get here. I won't leave them. I just know something is going to go wrong and I won't leave them!
"Teal'c!"
I wonder just then why on earth Jack is shouting at Teal'c... when it becomes clear. Teal'c wraps his huge, powerful arms around me and sweeps me up the steps and through the gate. Just as he does so I crane my neck back over his shoulder and see my two friends edge towards us, and then all hell breaks loose and the ceiling comes down. My scream of denial is lost as the wormhole takes us...
*****
Oh we're almost there... almost there! Jack's hands dig into my fatigues twisting the material, and I know I'm doing the same to keep us close. Oh God I don't want to let go... I can't... I want to keep him so close, make sure that if I get to the gate and make it through he'll be there beside me!
I watch as Teal'c manhandles Danny through, and I feel some of the tension evaporate. Danny's safe. They're both safe. Now I just have to get Jack home. I think he was right, whatever tremors there were before, if any, have been dramatically increased by the action of the stargate, and the quicker we get out of here the better! We stumble again, and Jack pulls us forward, then lifts me and pushes me over a pile of glass bricks. I turn to reach for him and make sure he follows, and as my fingertips brush against his, a small movement that seems to stretch for an eternity, I watch a segment of roof come crashing down... down towards him...
I try to grasp for him, to pull him out of the way, but the largest block catches him on his right shoulder and spins him around, and I can only watch as he falls on his back to the ground, the block of top of him, more crashing down and filling the air with a cloud of stinging sparks. He tries to squirm and turn on his way down, his body contorting to pull himself desperately out of the way but he fails... He fails and his legs slip out from under him, his shoulders crashing down onto sharp rubble and splinters. As he goes I feel a painful thump and wrench of my heart, and somewhere deep inside, deep, deep inside where I keep my love for him, I hear a keening cry of defeat and I know... I know today will be his last. No... no I won't believe it... I won't... Why do I feel so very sure?
I hear the air being forced from his chest as the wall collapses in on top of him, driving the right hand side of his body downwards, shearing his flesh between the two layers of unforgiving glass as it compacts his upper torso. There is a sickening series of snaps which must be his ribs and sternum giving way, and further rocks rain down, cracking off his skull and limbs in their relentless onslaught.
I am screaming.
I am screaming his name and I don't even give a thought for my own safety as I rush to his side, sliding my fingers beneath his heavy skull, in a last, useless and desperate attempt to cushion it. He jerks in my arms then, and as the cloud clears I can see him... and my throat locks up, my stomach turning over itself as the floor begins to run with a creeping crimson ooze.
I slide a knee under his head to keep it upright, and try to clear some of the blood from his mouth and face with my sleeve. His breathing is painful and harsh, a ragged wheeze followed by a strangled gurgle, and a look down at his chest makes me squeeze my eyes shut tight against the reality of it. No... not Sir... not my Colonel! His hands are held out in front of him, digits contorted into ugly claws as he blinks in surprise at the pain I so want to take away. But he is conscious... he is conscious... maybe there is hope...
"Sa... Sa..."
His bloodied lips move ever so slightly, and I can almost hear my name formed on the tail end of a wheezing exhalation. I lean close, one hand on his cheek to hear his words.
"Sa... go... gate..."
No. No I won't. I tell him this and he closes his eyes. His body shudders then, from pain or at my stubbornness I don't know, and the tremor continues around us. The remaining wall behind us has started to tilt as well, threatening to follow the rest. I won't allow it. I won't sit here and let him be crushed. I carefully lay his head down again, and seeing the bubbles of blood frothing at his mouth I move quicker than I would have believed possible. I practically leap across the room and slam into the wall, caring nothing for the cuts I receive. I pull my way to the DHD and slam a random 8th symbol. With a crackle and a whoosh the gate closes, and with it my hope of escape. I cannot move Jack, and even if I could, it would kill him. And I will not cause him further pain with my escape.
Everything goes suddenly still then, and I stand huddling myself against the gate. This slight reprieve brings to me the rasping of Jack's breath, and I go back to him. He is my world now, and I will not leave him to die... I feel a sickening lurch in my stomach as I realise that I may well have to kill him. To save him from a long, painful death. Strangely though... I feel a numb calmness descend, and with a quiet curiosity, I am drawn to a sudden far off pain, and I slide a hand down my side, only to find a foot long sliver of glass embedded in my flesh. I must have got that in our first fall. I don't even think about trying to treat my wound... Jack is all that matters. And I go to him again.
He is thrashing, trapped in momentary delirium. Oh God he's going downhill so fast... but I know there is nothing I can do for him. Except be there. I stand above him, and force myself to look down. The right hand side of his body is crushed, one side of his chest concave, and his arm and leg are completely covered with rubble. Oh God. I look away... thankful that his eyes are closed and he can't see me. It's so very hard to watch. How can things have been so fine so very few moments ago? Now I have to watch the man I've grown to love, this strong, vital man, always so full of life, to see him reduced to this pitiful, struggling shape of flesh. A parody of the Jack O'Neill I know. He is dying. By the time I have finished this thought I am once again on my knees by his side, carefully cradling his face. I lean forward over him, easing myself under the hanging ledge of wall that threatens both our safety. I don't care. All I want to do is to look into his eyes.
Oh those eyes.
How I loved to gaze into those eyes. I stole long moments in bliss to swim and trawl those velvet chocolate depths. And now... now sensing me near they open wide, bleary with moisture and ringed with a wide band of fearful white. Strangely, as soon as he sees me, as soon as I see myself reflected there, he relaxes. He seems to calm and stops moving, content only to look at me. Even his breathing seems less harsh.
I gently reach out to brush some of his sweat locked hair from his forehead, and try to clear some blood from his mouth and nostrils. I have to swallow deeply as I do so, as his right cheekbone is smashed and sunken, his jaw partly crushed. He looks at me. He simply looks at me. And I start to cry. He reaches up unsteadily with his left arm, and it makes it as far as my shoulder, his fingers curling round me there. And he pushes me slightly, with what strength he has left, his eyes flicking to the gate. He starts to make some noises, but with his jaw in pieces and his lungs slowly filling with his own, traitorous blood, he can no longer form and make his words heard. I shush him, placing a gentle finger on his bruised lips. No.
"No Sir... I won't go. I'm not leaving you"
What was that?
He makes one last, final effort to say something, one word. I lean close, my ear to his lips as he tries to make himself understood. It comes out as a barely recognisable rasp, and the effort sends him into a coughing fit, shearing his body further against the glass blocks, cruel bars of his final cage.
Jack.
He said Jack.
Suddenly, there is another tremor. More of an aftershock really, not as major as the ones that occur when the gate is open, but it is enough. The block of wall that was resting above us slips slightly from its perch, and with a screech scrapes down the wall, coming to rest on my back, pushing me further downwards onto Jack. He looks concerned, but I whisper that everything is okay. He eyes the gate again, eyes flicking back to mine and I smile then, finding it unbelievable that I can do so in even this situation. I cup the unflawed side of his face, gently pulling my thumb across his surprisingly soft skin.
"I'm not leaving you... Jack"
I deliver this line with my eyes hooded and veiled, looking into his only when I have finished. His eyes appear amazingly lucid, even through the immense pain he must be feeling. He mouths something again, or attempts to, but the question is clear. Why? Why won't I leave him? I press my eyes shut tight then, trying to ignore the pain as the block on my back starts to dig in further with it's knife edges, pressing on my spine and legs. I am trapped... and I couldn't move from here if I wanted. It doesn't matter, I wouldn't leave anyway. Jack doesn't know... he doesn't know I face the same fate now... and I'm not going to tell him.
His eyes are locked on mine, and want an answer. I suppose it's now or never. I know it won't make a difference, I know it's too late, but I want him to know how I feel, how much I love him, before... before he... before we... die. Absently, I wonder how long it will take before Danny and Teal'c persuade the General that they should come back for us. They shouldn't, God knows they know how dangerous it is... but still... I know what Jack and I would do in their position. But Danny... Danny if you come back through you will kill us... Still... maybe that's for the best. Maybe it will be quick, and we won't have to die like this... in such terrible pain. My eyes fill with sudden tears then, and I turn to meet Jack's, to give him my answer. The spark in his eyes is staring to fade, and it takes a few seconds for them to focus on me. I never noticed that his breathing had become so faint... so shallow. Oh Jack... Jack I don't want you to die... oh Jack I... I...
"Because I love you Jack"
He misses a breath then, and I clutch at his jacket in fear, but he breathes again. He struggles a little under me, and I see he is attempting to talk. No Jack... don't try. It's okay... it doesn't matter. He looks so sad, frustrated and... and a mix of something else I can't define. Regret? I don't know. I feel his good arm flap at my side then, and he pulls it with a great effort on to his chest. I must look confused, because he attempts to smile to comfort me, his lips pulling into a mismatched parody of a patented O'Neill grin. What is he doing? He pulls his hand up to his collarbones, and stabs at himself with an extended digit. He then slides the hand down to cover his heart, spreading his fingers and pressing his palm flat with an effort. He raises it slightly, and pats it down on his chest twice. He pauses then, to gather breath and strength, an finally, finally he lifts his trembling hand with a struggle and moves it towards me, letting it fall gently on my sternum, his eyes are tearful, and plead with me to understand.
Oh Jack.
Oh Jack I understand...
You love me... you love me too... The tears come easy and freely now, as I caress his face. I lean down as far as I can, feeling needles of fire pull from my back, and brush my lips ever so gently and carefully against his. He trembles, and pushes his lips against mine as best he can. It's not fair. It's not fair. I love him and he loves me, and it's all going to be over soon. We're going to die. I know death is close... I can feel it's icy breath on my neck. Without noticing, my strength has sapped away, and blackness incurs on the edge of my vision. But Jack is here... and I am here for Jack. His hand slides down my arm, and clutches feebly at my cold fingers. Two slow tears starts a last, lonely journey down his bruised and battered face and sunken cheeks, as we hear the familiar sound of the gate starting to engage, starting a new, final tremor.
Goodbye Jack... goodbye. The weight on my back starts to press again, and I can no longer take a breath. The huge block slides slightly to one side, and further slabs add to the pile on Jack, and he squeezes my fingers, as the life is squeezed from him...
I can no longer hear my blood in my ears, that once deafening roar has finally faded to a mere trickle, and now nothing, as I imagine those dark spreading pools beneath us, our blood mingling as we never could in life. This is it. This is how death feels, as I go light headed, my vision slowly fading. As I am pressed forward against Jack, I feel his final breath as it leaves his body, a mere wisping of air against my cheek, and as I loose consciousness, I manage a final act, and stretch my one free hand up to gently close his beautiful eyes, as the wormhole snaps into life...
*********
Where am I?
What is this?
Haven't I died?
I'm still here... still in this awful room, but something, some undefinable something... is different. My point of view is weirdly skewed, and as I turn, things become more clear. I seem to be in the walls, looking out, and time is slow, and frayed. Moving forward I can see properly again, and the terrible vista is laid out in front of me...
They came... they came... oh they shouldn't have!
I am dead I realise now, as I survey the slow, stretched scene with a strange, clam detachment that reminds me of my earlier feelings. Somehow I knew... somehow I knew I would die. They are there now, trying desperately to save us, to bring us home. Janet is knelt by my side, feeling for a pulse and looking me over, for any signs of hope, and her face is grim. I don't blame her... from here... from here the devastation is awful... the ravaged bodies of Jack and myself show no hope of recovery. Teal'c is standing behind her, his face set as always, and he simply stares down at us... at our bodies... And Danny... oh Danny. Danny is weeping openly, and has his arms around us both, our blood on his uniform as he cries to the world his anger at this injustice. Danny get out of here!... go now! At least most of the roof is down now, and the cave roof beyond seems more stable. Leave! Leave while you still can! There's no hope for us, it's too late Danny, we're gone... Jack and I are gone! Jack... Jack...
I look around the room then, not knowing for what I search... then I find him. Jack stands by the doorway to the other chamber, in his fatigues, clean fresh fatigues that show no sign of what we went through. He is the Jack I remember, long, clean limbs and dark sparkling eyes that shine from underneath his cap. He seems... he seems to have an ethereal quality, he glows from within with a gentle amber radiance as though he were woven of light itself... Oh Jack... Jack...
He doesn't see me where I rest in the walls, and instead his concerned, fearful eyes are on my body, and on the others as they work on me. He pulls his hat from his head, and sweeps a hand through his hair as Janet makes one last desperate... and futile... attempt to revive me. He's crying... he's crying tears of light, and it pains me so much that I move forward, gliding out of the walls in my desperate urge to go to him.
I slip slowly into view and his head snaps round to see me, shock and confusion in his eyes. I can see myself now, and I look down at my hands, and they are as his. Transparent gold and lit from within. He looks back at Janet, and I follow his gaze. She has stopped, and she is holding Danny's shoulders from behind, trying to pry him away from us. Danny is having none of it, and is clinging to us both in a manic, unbelieving desperation that brings tears to my eyes once more. That's it. Janet knows it's too late... we're gone. I look back at Jack then, and meeting my eyes he shakes his head, tears coursing down his face with a renewed fervour as he steps back away from me. He didn't know, he didn't know that I was dying with him. He was happy enough to die, knowing... hoping that I would make it somehow... Oh Jack... I didn't want to go on living without you... I couldn't...
I take a step towards him then, my eyes tearful and pleading and he stops, and looks back at the others. Janet is standing now, and gathering her gear. Teal'c is merely looking down at us, his gaze passing from Jack's empty face to mine. Danny is inconsolable, but at least he's kneeling now, just looking at us and sobbing. Janet places a hand on his shoulder, but he shrugs it off. It's okay Danny... it's okay... Please... please go! They can't even take us with them I release distantly. There is no way they could get us out from under that rubble in time. Time that is growing short as the ground threatens to start rumbling once more.
Jack.
I look back at Jack and his expression has changed. He is looking intently at me, and wringing his soft cap in his hands. The guilt on his face is still there, but it now shows mostly shyness, laced with a little fear, and his eyes drop to the floor. He doesn't know what to do... and neither do I. I realise that the background is fading, ever so slowly, the sounds and pictures becoming faint... and distant, leaving me wondering what is beyond. We know now. We told each other how we felt. Can we still have it? Can we have it now?... after death? Can we finally be together? He is looking at me again, and this time when I meet his eyes he smiles a little, and ever so slowly and unsure he extends his hand, the moment fraught with meaning and tension. I only have to close that distance between us, and we can be together. Years of wanting and denying and rules and regulations have no hold on us here. I love him and he loves me and we will love each other... for ever now.
I take a firm step towards him, and with each further one the background fades a little more, and I see a bright doorway, our passage to the next stage behind him, growing in intensity as we make our choice to move on.
Halfway across the floor I hear a sound, and Danny's keening voice makes me look. The tremor's have started again, and the walls shake and shriek. Both Janet and Teal'c are pulling him now, trying to get him towards the wormhole, and to safety. He refuses, he stands firm just calling our names. Oh please Danny... please... It's too late for us, save yourself! It's okay Danny... it's okay... we will be together now...
Chunks of roof start to litter the floor, pounding down so very close to our friends. I muster my strength and heighten my fading link to that far off, corporeal world. Everything blurs a little more into focus and I call to Danny, hoping... so hoping he'll hear!
"Go Daniel... Go!"
He pauses then, and glances around, not seeing us, doubting what he heard, then Jack's voice reverberates around us.
"Go Danny boy! Go!"
He moves then, slowly towards the gate, awe and wonder on his face as his eyes flick about him. Teal'c and Janet take an arm each and start to lead him toward the wormhole, and I feel an unfamiliar sense of completion... and yet also a new beginning. I turn from that old world, and take a straight route towards Jack, now lit from behind as well as internally by the soft warm light of our new gateway. He is glancing sadly at the retreating forms of the others, and is hits me then how very much we will miss them. Jack turns as I approach, to face the light, and I take up a position at his side. As we stand there, on the brink, I feel his fingers start to entwine cautiously with mine, enclosing my hand with a familiar warmth that is all Jack. We look at each other, and everything else that needs to be said is said in one, deep, long look. He smiles, and I smile in return as we move forward, towards our future. Just before the threshold, we take a last look behind, and we see Daniel, Teal'c behind him, looking straight at us, as if they sees us. A last, almost contented look washes gently over Daniel's face as he disappears into the event horizon, and we into ours. Goodbye Danny... Goodbye Teal'c... goodbye Janet... Don't cry for us... everything will work out for you Danny... I know it. And us? I don't know... but we have each other now... we have each other...
***************
It's getting late.
The sun is starting to fade from the sky, and Teal'c is laying our fire for the night ahead. I always think of Sam and Jack at sunset. I don't know why... it just seems appropriate somehow. Teal'c finishes his duties and comes to sit by my side, leaving the others to finish up.
"You are thinking of O'Neill and Captain Carter, Daniel Jackson"
I smile up at the Big Jaffa, and nod my head.
"Yeah. I guess I am. Heh. They would have been bored with this planet though... not enough excitement for them"
Teal'c regards me strangely, and raises one eyebrow as he replies.
"I believe we have had enough excitement for one lifetime Daniel Jackson, and I for one am enjoying the quiet"
I laugh then, and Teal'c gifts me a rare almost smile. We always did get into so much trouble didn't we? And without fail, Jack and Sam got us out of it, as they did that last, sad time we left them, almost a whole year ago. We might have all died that day... if they hadn't told me to go. If Jack hadn't snapped me out of my revere with his words I may well have been happy enough to fling myself on top of them and join them in death. But three's a crowd isn't it? And I hate playing gooseberry.
I never was particularly religious before, and to be honest, I don't know if I am now, but I don't suppose it really matters. All I know is at that last moment before we slipped through the gate, I saw them, we saw them. They stood there, bathed in a glorious heavenly light, holding hands, and staring deep into each other's eyes. That one sight made my life liveable over the next few weeks. It gave me the courage to carry on, to honour their memory. I imagine they told each other, at the end, how they felt. Saying in death what they were afraid to say in life. One aching doubt often plagued me though, in the days after their deaths. The thought that by coming back through the gate I effectively killed them, causing that final tremor that took them away. Janet assured me though, that nothing could have saved them, and I accept that. It's not that that makes me feel good though, it's more knowing that they are somewhere better, living the life, and love they never could have had here. Oh, it seems so long ago.
And now?... now they are up there... somewhere... together... and that is all that matters. Teal'c and I like to feel that they watch over us, and keep us safe. I swear we've gotten out of some unbelievable scrapes since then, and even once I thought I heard Jacks' voice, berating me for touching something I shouldn't have. Well... if a guy's gonna have two guardian angels, then I can't think of a better pair, can you?
My thoughts are disturbed then, as our team-mates finally join us. Our fearless leader, Colonel Annie Jones takes a seat opposite and smiles at me. I think by now she knows what I'm thinking, and God knows it must have been hard for the two of them to replace Sam and Jack, to fill those boots. Those wounds are healed now though, and we are a good team, and growing friends. Hell, Teal'c and I have even toyed with the idea of starting a regular poker night for the four of us. And you know? I think we'd have a great time. Our "resident smartass" joins us then, Captain (very soon to be Major apparently) David Anderson. The proud owner of a wide selection of letters after his name. He slips in next to the Colonel, and instantly takes her mind of of us with a nudge and a smile. I shake my head, and Teal'c looks at me. I like to watch those two, just as I liked to watch the varied levels in interaction between our old friends. It's amazing how similar the parts they play are. David gets all excited over some gadget or other, and Annie roles her eyes at his boyish enthusiasm and foot-long words. And like a certain other pair, they hide behind their given roles.
I can see through it though, and gee I'm beginning to think I have a special talent for this kind of thing. I see it when they glance at each other when backs are turned, I see the looks in their eyes, and the way they try to deny it to themselves. Teal'c sees it too, and we spend many hours discussing the obvious, mutual attraction.
Why am I constantly blessed with such, blind, idiot friends? I mean, fair enough, if this is merely a physical attraction, then so be it, I'm certainly not going to intrude. But, if it does start to deepen, to become something more, then Goddammit I'm gonna do something about it. I won't let them waste it, I won't let them ignore their feelings and throw away something they may never get back, or something they may only find in death's release. They know all about Colonel O'Neill and Captain Carter of course, I mean, sometimes I feel it's our favourite topic, recounting their adventures. But that's all they know. One day, one day I may just have to tell them a little tale about two friends of mine called Sam and Jack
I am brought out of my thoughts then as the relative peace and quiet is broken by the sounds of the Captain's and Colonel's voices mingled in sweet, lilting laughter. Teal'c looks at me again, then back at the others, and I guess it really is true what they say. The world turns and times change, but some things... some things are timeless.
Goodbye Sam... Goodbye Jack... look after each other, okay?
THE END
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]