"Gratuitous Martouf Death Abounds" By Alli

Author: Alli Snow

Spoilers: The Tok'ra, Bane, Jolinar's Memories/The Devil You Know

Archive: knock yourself out, everyone

Disclaimer: Any flames will be... laughed at.

Summary: Here's my top 10 list of ways Martouf should finally meet his maker.

Note: THEY SHOULD BE TAKEN LIGHTLY! If you're in love with the man or think that you could possibly be offended by this, don't read it! Thank you.

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10. An unfortunate incident involving a misplaced rake and a large wood chipper. (The Complex's groundskeeper was later fired, but since he'll be paid off by Colonel O'Neill for the rest of his natural life, that'll hardly be a problem.)

9. Wasn't watching where he was going and ended up directly in the path of the living crystal tunnel stuff. (SG-1 was able to chip him out of the wall, and he now actually accomplishes something: beautifying the embarkation room.)

8. Good old Graham Simmons: introduced Martouf to the wonders of scratch'n'sniff stickers, stuck one on the bottom of a bowl filled with water, and told him to go for it.

7. Trampled to death by the cast of Riverdance. (Sam wanted to introduce him to culture, Daniel wanted to introduce him to some of the backstage crew, Martouf ended up getting introduced to several hundred pointy shoes, who paid him no heed).

**BONUS "Danny Lurks" Death** Was introduced to the SJA. Five minutes after encountering the NC-17 section, he suffered 4 simultaneous heart attacks.

6. He flared those eyes one too many times, and his entire face just... caught fire.

5. Teal'c introduced him to 'peanuts and caramel'. Unfortunately, it's not widely known among the Tau'ri that ANY combination of salty and sweet is fatally toxic to ALL Tok'ra. Sam thanked her lucky stars that she and her dad hadn't yet gone out for Chinese.

4. Told that revealing photos of Jolinar's tryst with Bynarr had been posted to the internet. Died of a broken heart.

3. Sam came across another of Jolinar's memories: Martouf had always left the toilet seat up and squeezed the toothpaste from the middle. She berated him in front of all his Tok'ra buddies. Died of shame.

2. 'Accidentally' elbowed in the throat by an 'unknown SGC member'. He choked to death on his obscenely large adams apple.

1. Lantesh finally realized what a pathetic excuse for a host he really had. ("You're disgusting." "No I'm... you're right. I'm disgusting!" "You make me sick." "I make myself sick!" "I wish you were dead!" "I wish I was...") No one could figure out if it was a murder or a suicide, and in the end... well, no one really cared.

*******

Gee... this means I'm evil, huh? Heh heh...

Alli

who welcomes flames... Muse has become a bit of a pyro...

'Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending destruction of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to alert mankind of the danger; but most of their comments were misinterpreted... the last even dolphin message was misinterpreted as a surprisingly sophisticated attempt to do a double-back somersault through a hoop while whistling the "Star-Spangled Banner," but in fact the message was this: So long and thanks for all the fish."
- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", Douglas Adams