TITLE: Let the Living Live

AUTHOR: Jo R.

EMAIL: Joey@Ram32.freeserve.co.uk

CATEGORY: S/J UST, angst, post-episode

CONTENT WARNINGS: Sam and Jack, post-episode

RATING: PG-13

SEASON / SEQUEL: S4, Post-ep for 'Entity'; companion to 'Existing'

SPOILERS: 'Entity' and other small ones for the series.

SUMMARY: The aftermath of the episode. Jack's thoughts on the events of my fic 'Existing'.

ARCHIVE: Heliopolis, SJA, and Shipperworld. Anywhere else, please ask first.

STATUS: Complete

DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime / Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. No copyright infringement is intended. No money is being made. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. Not to be archived without permission. Feedback and constructive criticism most welcome, flames are not.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: Another inspired fic stemming from this episode, this one from Jack's POV. I also seem to be concentrating on the angst more than anything else. Sorry!

DEDICATION: Much thanks as always to LM. And congratulations on the award! *hugs* I'm still reeling from this episode!!

~*~

" I was shouting.. for you to hear."
" We heard you."

We did.. But it was almost too late. We almost destroyed the interface-thing, and if we had, Sam would be lost to us forever. I don't think she knows just how close we came to losing her, her relief at being herself again palatable to all of us who stood there in the MALP room as her consciousness was put back in its rightful place. There were tears in her eyes but I saw past them to the spark. The spark of life that had been absent when that thing had been there, whilst it had taken control of her.

I wanted to touch her, to hold her. To reassure myself that she was alive and that I hadn't killed her. I didn't dare do that, though. Not with General Hammond standing just a few feet away. He already knows too much, any physical contact between Sam and myself would only confirm his suspicions, as if they hadn't been confirmed already.

" I know Major Carter means a lot to you."

Yeah. She does. A lot more than I think even I realised until faced with the decision of killing her to save the base. I did it, I was as shocked as everyone else standing there in that hallway, but I did it. I hesitated, but I did it. I shot her. I killed her. She crumpled to the floor and I heard only the pounding of blood in my veins as I walked up to her, my world shifting and changing forever.

Was there something I could have done to stop this from happening? I could have insisted earlier that they listen to me, I could have cut the wire sooner.. Or maybe it was because that thing saw me preparing to kill it that it panicked and took over my Major's body. Regret, guilt and second-guessing are things I've been doing a lot of in recent days.

Doctor Fraiser insisted on keeping Sam in the infirmary for over a week. I have my suspicions that the decision had more to do with Janet's own need to assure herself that Sam was still with us than anything else. Her need shared by us all, to reassure ourselves that we came close to losing her, but that in the end, we won. We won, so why do I feel like I've lost something?

Today was the first and only day I haven't been at Sam's side. I chose to stay away on purpose because I knew she was being released and I couldn't bear the thought of finally being alone with her and seeing the recrimination in those blue eyes of hers. I know she'll tell me it's okay and that she understands my killing her. She might even believe that on the surface but I don't think she can forgive me deep down. I don't think I can forgive myself. I don't think I'll ever understand how I did it. I know why, but I don't know how I could kill her.

General Hammond too me to one side today and told me he was proud, that I'd done the right thing even though it was the hardest thing to do. I know I had to do it, to save the base because at the time we thought it was the entity trying to get back into our computers. But I don't know how I could.

I looked at Sam lying in the infirmary afterwards. She was sleeping but she looked exactly as she had done before when the only thing keeping her alive were those damn machines. I looked at her, and I saw Charlie. I killed her, and I had killed him. It felt at that moment as though I had pulled the trigger against not just Sam, but against my own son. I loved them both, ad I killed them both. It seems being loved by me is dangerous to your health. Everyone I love, I destroy.

Maybe Sam knew that. Maybe that's why she mentioned she had a living will. Janet seemed surprised I knew about it but she needn't be. Sam asked me to sign it and be a witness in place of her father. Luckily, my hesitation was taken by her to be a refusal, which I guess it was. Even luckier, Dad came to visit a few days later and signed it in my place, getting me off the hook in a way.

The stars have never looked more beautiful but I don't really see them. I look up at the sky from me spot on the mountain where I've been for the last hour and instead of the stars, I see Sam's face. I see her eyes, so blue and so trusting. Then I see the hurt and the betrayal shining in her eyes and I re-play shooting her all over again in my mind.

I killed her. I killed the woman I love and everyone seems to have a newfound respect for me because I did it. I don't. I want to be disgusted at myself, but I can't be, because I know what I did was right, I did my job. I 'm angry, for killing her, but not really at myself, at that *thing* for putting me in that situation. And I'm scared, scared that Sam will never be able to trust me again.

I see her before she sees me. I see the exhaustion in her eyes and in her posture. I see the defeat play across her face when the search she does with her eyes turns up nothing. I know she's come to find me, I think that's why I'm here. Because some part of me knew she'd come.

" Something wrong, Carter?" I startle her. She thought she was alone. Her gasp is the only warning I get before she starts slipping and I curse myself inwardly for scaring her. As if I haven't done enough to hurt her already. Moving with more speed than I thought I was capable of at this time, I manage to grab hold of her arms and steady her. The moment she's able to stand without my support, I let her go. I want to touch her, to hold her, but it's wrong. It's wrong, and I don't know how she would feel about that. I killed her, why would she want me touching her? " You shouldn't be out here without your jacket," I speak up gruffly, careful to remain standing behind her so I don't have to look her in the eyes. So I don't see the blame and betrayal I know is there.

Sam turns and starts. I don't know what she was expecting, but it obviously wasn't what she finds. She stares at my face and I find my eyes being automatically, instinctively drawn to hers. It's a weakness of my own. I like looking into her eyes, and for a split-second, I forget why I don't want to do that anymore. " Sir.." She takes a step closer to me and I take a step back. I know she's hurt, but I can't let her touch me. I can't let her be the one to soothe me this time, not when I killed her, and not when she should be the one who needs comfort.

" Don't," is all I can say. I try to convey in that word all of my reasons but I don't think she notices. I curse inwardly. Why the Hell does she have to be so strong? Why is she the one who always soothes away my pain when by all rights she should be the one hurting? It's not fair. I know she's not as strong as everyone thinks, I know that sometimes she needs someone to hold her and tell her it'll be okay. Now is one of those times and it hurts to know she's putting that aside so she can heal me. So she can save me again, just as she's been doing since walking into my life four years ago.

" Don't what?" There's a challenging note in her voice. I don't look at her, my eyes fixed on the skies above, firmly telling myself not to give in. I sense her move a little bit closer, but it's just a baby step. I can move away again if she moves any closer.

Again cursing inwardly, one of the tears that have been stinging my eyes escapes and runs down my face. I wipe it away hurriedly, hoping she didn't notice. I don't want her to see me cry, I don't want to give her another reason to lie to me, to tell me that she forgives me. I don't want her to lie to me but I'm scared to hear the truth. " Don't tell me it's okay, Sam. You can't say that this time."

" But it's true," she counters immediately. She's silent for a moment or two and I know she's thinking. She does that a lot. Sometimes too much. " It's over, Jack. And it is okay." My name sounds strange coming from her lips yet at the same time it seems natural. I've heard it in her voice a thousand times, all of those times in the confines of my room, in the confines of my head, during one of the many dreams I've had that she's appeared in. " I'm me again, I'm okay. You're okay."

That's not true and I shake my head to tell her. " I'm not," I retort blankly, because it's true. " I'm not okay." How can I be okay? *I* killed *her*.

" Why not?" Her question surprises me. It seems dumb, especially from her. She should know this, she should know why I'm not okay. God-damnit, I killed you, Sam, how the Hell am I supposed to be okay with that? How am I supposed to live with myself knowing that I killed you? " Why aren't you okay, Jack?"

That's the second time she's called me Jack and I can't fight a small smile, nor can I force it to say for more than a second. I look at her for the first time in what seems to be to be a long time, hungrily taking in her face with my eyes as I speak, resorting to my favourite line of defence, aware she's trying to trick me into something, but trick me into what? " So it's Jack now? I kill you and we're on a first name basis?"

Sam doesn't seem too surprised at my reply. I wasn't expecting her to me. After all, this is the woman who knows me better than anyone else. The one who knows this is where I'd be, the only one I've let get close to me.. And she's also the one I killed just a few days ago. " You didn't kill me."

Her comment infuriates me for some reason. I glare at her for trying to sugarcoat the truth in order to make me feel better. I appreciate she wants to make me feel better, but lying won't do it. Especially not when I know the truth, when I see it over and over again even with my eyes open. " I killed you, Sam! I pulled the God-damn trigger twice and *killed* you!"

" No." She shakes her head and reaches for me. I'm surprised that she's covered so much space between us, surprised that her hand comes into contact with my arm and surprised that she holds on tightly. " You killed the being inside my body. It *wasn't* me. I wasn't there to be killed."

I try to shake her away but she's having none of it. I always knew she was strong, but I never thought it would be used against me in this way. I never thought I'd want her to let me go. Then again, I never thought I'd kill her either. I'm startled even more when her arms slip around me, and she holds me tightly to her. There's no way of escape and I don't really feel like trying anymore. I'm too tired. So instead, I let her have her way, I let her rest her head against my chest, doing my best to remain as unaffected as possible, straight and tense within her embrace, neither encouraging or fighting her.

She holds me for what seems like hours. Holding me as though she's never going to let go. She's not going to let go. I know that. If there's one thing I know about Sam it's that she's as stubborn as I am. The fact that she's here finally breaks through to my mind, and my eyes well with tears. Sam's here, she's alive. I killed her, but she's alive. As the tears fall from my eyes, I wind my own arms around her, squeezing her as tightly as I dare. As tightly as I fell I can without risking breaking her, without risking waking up and finding out it was just a dream. I lower my head to rest against her cheek and cry, no longer sure which one of us is keeping us standing. " I'm sorry," I murmur into her hair, knowing she knows but needing to have said the words. " I'm so sorry."

It isn't over yet. I still see her crumpled to the stony floor of the base corridor as I hold her close. I still see the monitors, the lack of patterns on them telling me that she's gone. I still see her eyes, lacking the spark, staring at me blankly as that thing control her and fought her.

The entity that did this is dead. Sam isn't. She's alive. I feel her pulse beneath my fingers; I feel her warm breath against me. We won this time. She 's still here. I killed her but she's not dead. And she doesn't hate me; she still loves me. We're both alive, though we both would be dead had the essence that is Sam Carter not returned to her body. We're alive, but for now we're not living. We chose to fight for our country, for our world, instead of living. But that's going to change. Denying ourselves the chance to live almost meant denying ourselves this, denying the contact and the healing we can provide one another. Denying us the chance to love and live.

We're alive, so it's time to let us start living as though we are.

~*~

The End

Again, I seem to be concentrating on the angst-y side. Now gotta go watch it again for the shippy side to come back.. Mailto:Joey@Ram32.freeserve.co.uk Feedback will help me fight the angst muses..