Title: Apogee

Author: Shane Vansen

Email: the_fourth_dimension@hotmail.com

Rating: R (on advice of counsel <g>)

Classification: S/J UST/RST

Content warnings: angst, character “death”, moderate sexual situations

Spoilers: based loosely on spoilers for S5's ep Meridian.  Also spoilers for Maternal Instinct and Ascension

Season: fifth

Archive: SJA, Heliopolis; anyone else just give a shout

Summary: The death of a close friend can make you do strange things.  How do Sam and Jack cope with the loss of Daniel?

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and places are theproperty of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret Productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognized characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.

Author's Notes: This was supposed to be a quick one- or two-page NC-17 story about Sam and Jack dealing with Daniel’s death.  My muse apparently changed her mind, and who am I to argue?  *Hugely* big thanks go to Sue for betaing; she did a wonderful and tireless (if demanding <g>) job of filling in the plot holes, and the title is also thanks to her.  If you like this fic, it’s thanks to Sue.  If you don’t, I’ll take the blame  :)

**

Jack O’Neill stared straight up, trying to make out the ceiling in the darkness.  The population of the world SG-1 visited was confined entirely underground, its citizens forced there nearly one hundred years ago when the Goa’uld had irradiated the planet’s surface.  Hundreds of thousands people were currently living out their lives in a vast underground city dug out of rock.  When the Goa’uld had finally left and the Ekolan had erected a defense against them, taking control of the Stargate in the process and bringing it underground, relatively few people had decided to leave the planet.  In the decades since, the city had branched off into surrounding rock, and nobody quite knew what the total population was anymore.

Jack’s watch beeped softly and he automatically glanced at the time even as he got to his feet; 0300, time for Sam’s shift. He moved quietly, trying to avoid waking Daniel or Teal’c, and knelt by her side, his fingers reaching out to gently touch her cheek.  Her eyes snapped open immediately, her still-sleepy gaze focussing somewhat fuzzily on him as he left his hand where it was.  They just watched each other for a long minute.

Moments like this happened sometimes; not as often as he might have liked, but more often than they should have.  Because they never talked about it, Jack wasn’t exactly sure what Sam thought to find him kneeling at her side when she woke, but as she’d never given any indication that it bothered her he assumed she didn’t mind.  It was always him who initiated it, though; not once had she ever wakened him in the same manner.  Of course, Sam had always kept her emotions much better hidden than he had – except for her eyes.  He could always tell what she was thinking by her eyes.

Sam blinked then, and he pulled his fingers away and sat back so that she could get up. Without saying anything he let her know that there was nothing to worry about, and she nodded her understanding before making her way over to her pack to pull out the instant coffee.  Jack watched her for a few minutes more as she made herself comfortable for the final watch of the
night, then moved to his bedroll and went to sleep.

**

The rumbling sound followed almost immediately by the shaking and debris falling from the nearly invisible ceiling so far above her head caused Sam to look up, but there was no visual clue as to the source of the unusual sound.  She thought for a brief moment that perhaps it wasn’t so unusual, that maybe the ground shifting up above happened quite often, but soon
worried citizens began emerging from their homes to see what was going on.  Making a swift decision she rose to her feet to wake the colonel, but saw his eyes open just seconds before she got there.

“Report?” he demanded as he got up, shaking Daniel awake and glancing over to make sure that Teal’c was paying attention.

“I’m not sure, sir.   The ground started shaking a minute or so ago, but I don’t know the cause.  Neither do any of the Ekolan, by the looks of it.”

They all stood silently as they waited for the noise to repeat itself, Daniel sleepily rubbing at his eyes as he looked around.  The rumbling came again soon after and he frowned as if trying to place the sound.

“You know, that sounds like...”

“A Goa’uld mother ship,” Teal’c confirmed.

Jack looked at him swiftly.  “I thought these people had a planetary defense system that prevented the Goa’uld from landing or using their rings to send down Jaffa?”

“They do,” Sam confirmed; she had spent most of the previous day with some of their scientists, some of whom were responsible for maintaining the system.

Jack nodded.  “Carter, you and Daniel go see those scientists you were talking to yesterday.  Be back here in an hour.  Teal’c, you’re with me.”

“Yes sir.”  With Daniel trailing silently behind, she made her way toward the buildings that housed the controls for the defense system.

**

An hour later found them all back at base camp with more information but little in the way of defending themselves.  “Sir, a defect has been found in one of the cables that relays both power and information to three of the command modules needed to co-ordinate the defense system globally. Dr. Bairn seems to think that it’s easily repairable.”

He heard what she wasn’t saying.  “But...?”

Sam looked grim as she replied.  “But, the cable is on the surface.”

He understood immediately.  “So, whoever goes up there will die from radiation poisoning.”

“Right.  And, as the Ekolan seem to think that the Goa’uld won’t be able to find them down here, nobody is willing to risk his life to go fix it, even though it means saving hundreds of thousands of others.”

Jack shook his head in disbelief; why were some people so adamant that they could defeat the Goa’uld without any help?  “Carter, is there anything we can do?”

“Well... NASA has some radiation suits that may help; they might block enough of the radiation that the cable can be safely repaired if it’s done quickly.  Problem with that is, by the time we get back to the ‘gate, request the suits from NASA, get them to the SGC, and bring them back here, it may already be too late.”

“Alright.  Carter, you take Teal’c and get those suits.  Daniel, you and I are going to wait here.”

Sam and Teal’c had barely left when Daniel jumped into the conversation.  “Jack, can’t we evacuate them through the Stargate?”

“To where?  The SGC can’t house this many people, and no already established civilization is going to want to take on three hundred thousand more, especially when they’ll be coming without clothes, food, shelter – any of the basics.”

“Can’t we take them to an uninhabited planet?  We can work out the details later, Jack, but we need to get these people out of here.”

“Daniel, the Ekolan don’t even believe they’re in danger; how do you expect to convince them to give up everything and start over on a completely different planet?  They didn’t leave a hundred years ago when they had the chance, and I doubt they’ll want to leave now.”

The argument continued for several minutes more before Jack finally threw up his hands in defeat.  “Fine!  If you can convince them to leave, then we’ll take them to an uninhabited world.  But we can’t force anyone to go anywhere, Daniel; it’s their choice.”

Daniel was already taking off, yelling something incoherent over his shoulder.  Jack fought the urge to swear at the entire situation as he followed at a slightly more sedate pace, looking up at the rock ceiling in concern as the familiar sound of a Goa’uld ship once more made itself heard.

**

Sam reached for her radio the instant the Stargate disengaged behind her.  “Colonel, we have the suits and are en route to base camp.  Over.”

His voice came back almost before she had finished speaking.  “Negative, Major.  Go back through the ‘gate and have a medical team standing by to treat severe radiation burns.  ETA five minutes.”

Through the static-filled channel she could hear the tightness in his voice, maybe even an underlying edge of fear.  She dropped the radiation suits where she stood and moved to the DHD, punching in the familiar symbols for home.  Upon receiving confirmation that her GDO code had been accepted, she sent Teal’c back through to get Doctor Fraiser and her team ready for the
incoming casualties, remaining behind herself in case the colonel needed help.  Sam assumed that one of the Ekolan had finally understood the threat that they faced and had risked going to the surface to fix the damaged cable, and was now in urgent need of medical attention.  She found herself feeling sorry for whomever had sacrificed his or her life, because from what
she knew of the surface situation there was no way that the person would survive more than a few hours.  The human body just couldn’t withstand that kind of abuse.

Jack came into view soon after that, and Sam’s heart started pounding in terrible understanding when she saw that there was no one with him besides the person he carried in his arms.  Though she comprehended what that must mean, she found herself staring hard at the horizon in the vain hope that a familiar form would be following close behind; Sam refused to accept what her heart already knew.

“Daniel,” she whispered when the pair finally came close enough for her to see, confirming the terrible thoughts swirling around her too-active brain, and without waiting to be told she redialled the ‘gate and submitted her GDO code.  In the interminably long seconds it took to receive confirmation Sam alternated her gaze between the strained face of her CO and the unconscious man he carried, his face pale beneath the already-blistering skin.  She didn’t ask what happened and Jack offered no explanation, the silence nearly unbearable.  She merely motioned to Jack when she received confirmation from the SGC and followed him through the ‘gate, feeling strangely empty of emotion.

The ‘gate room was a flurry of action as she materialized on the ramp, with Daniel already on a gurney and Janet barking orders at the half-dozen nurses crowded around the bed.  Jack stood silently a few metres away and though she found herself wanting to move closer, Sam forced herself to stay where she was, out of the way.  Janet, the nurses, and their patient left the room quickly, leaving behind an almost anticlimactic silence broken only by General Hammond’s question.

“What happened?”

Sam, of course, could guess what had taken place in her and Teal’c’s absence, but it was up to Colonel O’Neill to give the report.  What he had to say didn’t surprise her in the least.

“If you recall, General, the surface of P7C 859 is severely radiated.  The Ekolan Goa’uld defense system failed, and the only way to repair it was to go aboveground.  None of the Ekolan believed they were in significant danger and refused to send someone to fix the cable.  Daniel–“ Here his voice cracked, but he merely took a moment to collect himself and went on.
“Daniel couldn’t convince them how serious the Goa’uld threat was, but he apparently persuaded one of the technicians to tell him how to bypass the defective cable in order to re-establish communication to the command modules.  He... he went up and tried to repair the problem.”

“Did he succeed?” Teal’c enquired, his steady voice somehow comforting.

Jack shrugged.  “I don’t know.  Daniel passed out almost as soon as he made it back underground, and I brought him directly to the Stargate.”

The ‘gate room was silent again for a minute as Hammond absorbed the information.  “All right, SG-1, go get cleaned up and then get to the infirmary.  We’ll delay the briefing until later.”

Sam’s teammates nodded and filed out into the hallway; Jack, she knew, would skip the locker room and head straight for the infirmary, but she couldn’t handle seeing Daniel just yet.  She knew there was nothing that could be done, and she needed a few minutes by herself to prepare to say goodbye.

**

By the time Sam reached the infirmary the frantic action that had taken place in the ‘gate room had died down, and she knew that whatever could be done for Daniel had already been done.  Still avoiding seeing him just yet, and hating herself for it, she decided to first seek out Janet.

She found the doctor in her office, elbows leaning on the desk and her head resting in her hands.  Her shoulders were shaking slightly and Sam knew her friend was fighting not to cry.  She knocked lightly on the doorjamb.  “Janet?”

The doctor looked up, one hand swiping hastily at her eyes.  “Sam,” she murmured, her voice choked.

The major sat herself in the chair across from her friend.  “It’s bad, isn’t it?” she asked rhetorically.  A tiny part of her mind hoped that Janet would tell her that it wasn’t as bad as she thought, but that hope was snuffed out in an instant.

“There’s nothing I can do.  Even just a few minutes on the surface would have been lethal and according to Colonel O’Neill, Doctor Jackson must have been up there at least ten minutes.  I’m actually surprised that’s he’s still...” She stopped before finishing her sentence.  “I’ve put him on painkillers.  It’s all I can do for him.”

“What about the Tok’ra?  The Nox?”

Janet shook her head.  “I don’t think so.  There’s just too much damage.  A specific injury I can see being relatively easy to repair for someone of their advancement, but we’re talking mutation at the cellular level.  There’s just... too much damage,” she repeated, shutting her eyes tightly.  A moment later she opened them again.  “I’m so sorry, Sam.”

Sam nodded shortly.  “Is he awake?”

“He’s been drifting in and out of consciousness.  Colonel O’Neill’s been with him almost constantly since we brought him in here, and Teal’c came in a few minutes before you did.”

The major forced herself to her feet.  “I guess I’d better go see him,” she said, knowing that Janet understood the words she didn’t say -- *better go see him before it was too late.*

“Do you want me to come with you?”

Sam shook her head.  “I... I need a few minutes by myself first.”

“Of course.  I’ll stop by in about twenty minutes.  Page me if you need me before then.”

Sam stood, reaching across the desk to take Janet’s hand briefly.  “Thank you, Janet.”

**

Sam glanced briefly at her teammates as she stepped around the curtain separating Daniel’s bed from the rest of the infirmary.  Both men’s faces were stony, but from long association she could see how much this affected them.  It tore them up as much as it did her, Jack perhaps more so because he was the only one who had been there, the only one who might have been
able to stop Daniel.  For just one moment she wanted to hate the colonel for what he had allowed to happen, but even through the brief surge of emotion she knew that it wasn’t his fault.  When Daniel got it into his head to help someone, it could be nearly impossible to stop him.

Her eyes drifted to the man on the bed, either sleeping or unconscious, she wasn’t sure.  She moved closer, one hand reaching out to touch him but stopping at the last moment, afraid of hurting him; the blistered skin looked painful.  Her voice was startling in the near-silence of the room, though she spoke barely above a whisper.

“Could you guys give me a minute?”

They nodded and left her alone with Daniel, as she’d known they would, and she dragged a chair from the foot of the bed to the bedside where she could be near him.  She was silent for a long time, trying to think of something to say, and not finding anything adequate.  “Dammit Daniel... why did you have to do something so incredibly stupid?  Teal’c and I were back, we had the suits...”  Silence again.  “I’m so sorry, Daniel.  I’m so sorry that I can’t do anything to help you.”

His eyes cracked open the tiniest bit.  “Not your fault,” he whispered, his voice thin and barely audible.

“Daniel.”  Her eyes welled with tears then, the first pains of loss ripping at her heart as she finally let herself accept what was going to happen.

His hand reached out weakly and she took it in hers, careful to avoid the most painful looking areas. “My choice.  Make Jack understand... not his fault.”

Sam nodded, sniffing.  “I’ll try.”  What was there to say?  So much.  “Daniel, I don’t think I’ve ever told you, but you’ve been like a brother to me.  Any time I needed to talk to you, I could count on you to listen.  I just want you to understand what that means to me; it’s been a long time since I’ve been able to count on someone like that.”

She could tell it was a struggle for him to look at her, to speak, and it tore at her to see how visibly weakened he’d become in just the few minutes she had been there.  “You too, Sam.  You and the guys are the closest I’ve ever had to family in my life, and you’ll never understand what that means to me.  You helped me through losing Shau’ri... when she was taken, and when she died.”  He closed his eyes again, obviously exhausted.  “Love you guys,” he murmured before falling back into sleep.

The tears were coursing unashamedly down her face now as she half-leaned over his still frame, kissing his forehead.  “We love you too, Daniel.”

Jack and Teal’c returned a few minutes later with Janet, who looked a bit more in control of herself since Sam had last seen her.  She watched as the doctor busied herself with looking at the readings and various monitors surrounding the unconscious man before facing SG-1.  She opened her mouth and then closed it, apparently unsure what to say.  Jack helped her out.

“How much time?” he demanded; no matter what the situation, the colonel was a man who always needed to know the facts.

“A few hours at most.  He won’t last beyond the end of the day.”  Janet lingered a few minutes longer before leaving; Sam knew that Janet understood that the team needed to be alone right now.  They’d always been exceptionally close, and this was a private moment for them.  They needed the little time remaining in order to say goodbye.

**

An hour and a half later the beeping of alarms and the commotion coming from the infirmary brought Janet out of her office at a near-run; she knew that this must be it.  The doctor was brought to a dead halt, however, when she encountered the scene at Daniel’s bed.

One ball of glowing light hovered by the sick man’s side, a female face barely visible within.  Daniel himself glowed faintly, the light becoming brighter as she watched, and she found herself barking orders at a nurse  standing stock-still nearby.  “Call base security!”

“Belay that,” Jack countermanded softly.  Janet looked at him in consternation as he added, “I…I think it’s okay.”

‘Okay’?  Janet gaped at him and at the rest of SG-1 as they merely stood by and watched as Daniel was fully engulfed in the soft white light and began to rise towards the ceiling.  She thought she could make out a sad smile on his lips behind the whitish haze before both forms disappeared.  Janet rounded on the senior officer in the room.  “What the hell just happened?”  Screw chain of command; a terminally ill patient had just disappeared from her infirmary without anyone trying to stop him and she wanted to know why.

Jack ignored her, turning instead to face his team members.  “Did you recognize her?”

The others nodded.

“It appeared to be Oma Desala, the being responsible for raising the Harcesis child.”  Teal’c’s usually calming baritone did nothing to banish Janet’s confusion.

“Oma Desala?  Who’s that?”

This time Sam answered.  “A few years ago, when we found Kheb, where Shau’ri had hidden her child, there was a being looking after him, caring for him.  Her name was Oma Desala.  Daniel... Daniel said it meant Mother Nature.  He left Shifu there, because she could do a better job protecting him than he could.  We think she’s a member of the same race as Orlin was.”  She winced slightly, perhaps in memory of one of the many people she’d lost in the past
year, or maybe at the recollection of how her team had been so quick to assume she’d had a breakdown.  Janet made a mental note to make sure her friend talked to someone in the next few weeks, preferably in the next few days.  She’d make it an order if she had to.

Everyone stood around helplessly, at a loss what to do; Janet knew that these certainly hadn’t been the circumstances they’d envisioned.  She cleared her throat.  “So, uh, what happens now?”

That seemed to shake the remaining members of SG-1 out of their stupor.  “Now we report to Hammond,” Jack said, his voice decisive as he turned to exit the infirmary.  “Don’t worry, Doc, I’ll take full responsibility for what happened.”

“That’s not what I meant.  I mean, what happens to Daniel?”

That ever-present silence returned.  Janet was beginning to hate it, and she had the insane urge to start throwing things around just so it wouldn’t be so quiet.  Again, it was the colonel who answered.

“I’m not sure.  But I think... I think it was something good.”

Janet stood staring after them as they left to make their report to Hammond, wondering if this unexpected development was going to make it easier or harder for SG-1 to deal with their grief.

**

Jack caught up to Sam just as the elevator doors slid open and she was about to step inside.  “Carter.”

She looked exhausted, barely looking up to meet his gaze before allowing her eyes to drift downward once more.  “Not now, sir.  Please.”

“I just wanted to make sure you’re okay.”  She snorted softly, and he supposed that his choice of words was a little absurd.  Of course she wouldn’t be okay just now; their friend and teammate had just died... or as good as.  “I can take you home,” he offered.  “You probably shouldn’t be driving right now.”

She shook her head, still not looking at him.  “Thank you, sir, but General
Hammond found an airman who volunteered to drive me.”

He felt the anger flare briefly – she wouldn’t even look at him, but some nameless airman could drive her home? – but it disappeared as quickly as it had materialized.  Pushing her wasn’t going to solve anything.  “All right.  I’ll see you later.”

She nodded vaguely as she stabbed the button for the floor she wanted, and he watched her in concern as the doors slid shut.  Spinning around, Jack headed for the lower levels, pulling a disappearing act of his own so that he could be alone for a few hours.

Jack showed up on Sam’s doorstep some time later; he wasn’t sure what time it was exactly, but it was dark.  She opened the door wearing a pair of flannel pyjamas with a blanket wrapped around her shoulders and let him in silently before padding back to her chair and curling up in it, hugging a pillow tightly to her chest.  He followed her and settled uncomfortably on her couch; he didn’t know how long he sat there, silent, before she finally spoke.  He didn’t speak at all.

“I wanted to blame you,” she admitted out of the blue.  “I thought that you should have stopped him.  But you couldn’t have.  It was his choice, he said.  And he didn’t blame you either.”  She looked at him then, for just a few seconds.  “It’s not your fault.”

She fell back into silence while Jack contemplated her words.  Sam fell asleep not too long after that and he rose, carefully lifting her into his arms and carrying her to her bedroom.  After placing her on the bed he touched his fingers gently to her face, reminded abruptly that less than twenty-four hours ago he had done the exact same thing.  So much had changed since then.

With a small sigh he moved to leave but her hand latched onto his arm, stopping him.  When he looked at her, her eyes were open and focussed on him, and when she tugged on his arm he allowed her to pull him down onto the bed beside her. Lying down next to her, Jack wrapped a tentative arm around her waist and when she pressed herself closer to him he slid it beneath her pyjama top to rest warmly on her stomach.  He could tell by her breathing that she fell asleep again quickly, and he found himself following soon after.

**

Jack was awakened by the touch of soft lips on his face.  “Carter?” he murmured, his voice thick with sleep as he tried to figure out what was going on.

She stopped, holding herself above him.  “I need to stop thinking,” she answered, not making much sense to him.  “My mind, my thoughts... they won’t stop.  I need them to stop.”  She started her assault on him again, and Jack lifted his hands to her waist with the intention of moving her away, an objective that was quickly forgotten when he found that she was no longer
wearing her pyjamas.  His fingers tightened on her involuntarily.

“Sam...”

“Please Jack.  Help make them stop.”  She kissed him then, and the little resistence that he’d had fled.  She never asked him for anything and he found that he couldn’t refuse her, that he didn’t want to refuse her.  He needed to forget, too, for just a little while.

His hands glided softly over her skin, investigating and learning; he’d wanted to touch her like this for longer than he cared to remember, and now she was allowing it.  Forcing himself to pull his lips away from hers, he rained soft kisses on her face and neck, moving his mouth to her breast.  Her hands clenched when he reached his goal, and he spent long minutes there, his fingers still smoothing over her skin.  He slipped a hand between her legs and she arched her back, making a noise he would be hard-pressed to identify; something between a gasp and a moan with what could have been his name thrown in for good measure.  He could get used to that sound, he decided, ignoring her attempts to tug him upwards and continuing to use his hands until he pushed her over the edge.

Her body was still shuddering slightly when he pressed himself inside her for the first time, slow and deep, and she made that unidentifiable sound again.  He held himself still until she opened her eyes to look at him, and then began purposeful movements within her.  She held his gaze as long as she could but her eyes soon drifted shut as she once again reached completion, Jack following soon after.

He held her close afterwards, smoothing her hair and whispering whatever comforting words he could think of as she cried out her grief.  He felt some tears of his own escape, surprising him, but he swiped them away surreptitiously and focussed on the woman in his arms.  He would deal with his feelings by ignoring them until later – if at all – and a part of him was relieved that Sam wasn’t doing the same thing.  An even larger part of him was glad that he could be here to help her in whatever small way she would let him.

It was a long time before she quieted, and despite himself Jack was soon drifting back into sleep.

**

Sam lay awake for a long time after Jack fell asleep, grief tightening her chest and guilt and self-disgust swirling low in her stomach.  The only thing battling the powerful urge to throw up was the sure knowledge that it would wake Jack, and she couldn’t deal with that right now.

What the hell had she done?  Bound up in her own feelings of grief she’d seduced her CO in an attempt to forget for a little while, knowing full well that he wouldn’t turn her away.  And they hadn’t even used protection, for God’s sake!   How stupid was she?  She’d royally screwed up, ruining not only her career but probably their friendship as well in order for some comfort sex.  She’d felt sorry for herself, let him try to soothe her even though she’d been aware that he’d been crying too; she couldn’t even picture a time that she’d seen the colonel cry.

As she thought it through, only one course of action became clear to her.  Knowing that General Hammond would still be at the base – deaths meant a lot of paper work, and unexplained disappearances even more – she made a decision and got out of bed, carefully extracting herself from Jack’s unconscious hold on her.  She held her breath when he turned over, but when he didn’t wake she grabbed her uniform from where she’d tossed it on the chair earlier in the day and went into the bathroom to change.  Emerging, she scribbled a quick note telling Jack where she’d gone and placed it on her pillow.  She debated for a brief moment writing more, but decided that anything else that needed to be said should probably be said in person.  With a last look at the man sleeping in her bed, Sam stepped into the hall and headed for the front door.

**

As Sam made her way to her lab, she was grateful that the late hour meant the base was nearly deserted.  Typing quickly at the keyboard she ran the document through the spell-check before printing it out and placing her signature at the bottom.  Without a second thought she made her way towards Hammond’s office.

As she’d suspected, the general was still there.  She knocked quietly and entered when he gave his permission, handing him the piece of paper and standing stiffly as he read it.

“Major, what is this?”

“My letter of resignation, sir.”

He was quiet for a minute as he watched her, then sighed and folded his hands on the desk.  “Have a seat, Major.”  She did as told, looking carefully over his shoulder.  “Now, would you care to explain this?”

“I’d rather not, sir.”

“It wasn’t a request, Major.”

Dammit, she should have known he wouldn’t just let her go.  Much as she hated the thought of confessing her reasons, she knew he wouldn’t settle for anything less than the truth.  “I don’t think I can handle losing anyone else, General.  Do you know how many friends I’ve lost in just the past year?  And now Daniel....”  She paused and took a breath.  “We – SG-1 – have been incredibly lucky, General.  Did you know we’re one of only two teams to still have all the original members?  And SG-17's only been in service for eight months.  We’ve gone five years without losing anyone.  Five years.  And I think... I think I started to feel that maybe we couldn’t be touched.  It didn’t stop me from doing my job, it didn’t stop me from being vigilant, but there was just this *feeling*.  SG-1 is the best, and everyone knows it.”  She said it without the slightest hint of pride or hyperbole; it was simply the truth.  “But now, I don’t think I can step through that ‘gate knowing that someone I care about may not be coming back.  Not anymore.”

Hammond took a minute to respond.  “Major, I know Doctor Jackson’s death was hard on you, but this isn’t the time to be making big decisions.  You’re making emotional choices based in guilt and fear, and they are choices you may come to regret once you’ve had a chance to come to terms with all that’s happened.  I cannot accept your resignation, Major.  Not at this time.”

Sam felt herself tearing up again; she needed to get out of the SGC, and he wasn’t letting her go.  “General, please,” she begged.  “I’ll be a liability to my team like this, and I won’t be responsible for their deaths.  I can’t be part of this program anymore.  There are too many risks, too many deaths.”

His face softened, and she was surprised to see tears in his eyes as well.  “Sam, I know it’s difficult.  Every soldier who dies in this command feels like a personal failure to me, and Doctor Jackson was more than just one of those soldiers.  I considered him a friend, and his death is painful for me too.”  He got out of his seat and moved around the desk to sit beside her, touching her shoulder awkwardly.  “Sam, please don’t make this decision now.   The memorial service will be tomorrow, and after that I’m granting all members of SG-1 three weeks of leave.  Take that time to think it over, and if at the end of those three weeks you still feel that you cannot function as a member of SG-1, then I will accept your resignation.”

Sam spontaneously leaned forward to hug Hammond tightly.  “Thank you, General.”

He patted her back.  “You’re welcome, Sam.  God knows we don’t want to lose you from the program, and I think you’ll find that you don’t really want to leave.”

Sam stood to exit his office, but one more thing needed to be said.  She hated to disappoint the general, especially after his help, but she needed to be completely honest with him should she decide to stay at the SGC.  “Sir, I feel that you need to know that Colonel O’Neill and I... broke the fraternization regulations.”

He regarded her solemnly for a moment.  “I’m sure, Major, that were I to discuss the situation with Doctor Fraiser she would agree that the severe emotional distress of the past twenty-four hours has impaired your ability to make rational decisions.  You were not in your right mind and cannot be held responsible for your actions.  Am I correct in assuming that it has not happened before and will not happen again?”

“Absolutely, sir.”

“Then I believe this little... indiscretion... can stay out of your personnel file.”

“Thank you, sir,” she said fervently.

He nodded.  “Dismissed, Major.”

She snapped off a salute.  “Yes sir.”

**

Jack had already left by the time she arrived home, so she was able to avoid him until the memorial service the following day.  Even then, she left immediately after the service, avoiding everyone’s well meaning and sympathetic statements and grabbing the packed bag she’d left in her quarters.  Reaching the surface, Sam strode quickly to her fully fuelled motorcycle and climbed on, heading far away from the pain of a job she’d once loved.

**

Three weeks later found Sam back at the SGC, sitting around the briefing room table with the rest of her team as they waited for General Hammond.  The silence was awkward; Teal’c was normally quiet anyway, and Sam was so uncomfortable around Jack she found it hard to even make eye contact with him, let alone carry on a conversation.  He appeared to be having the same problem.

It was harder than she’d anticipated, being back at work and knowing that Daniel would never again be there with them, but the healing she’d started over the past few weeks made it bearable and she knew that she’d made the right choice.  She only hoped that Hammond would accept her decision.

The general appeared from his office and took his seat at the head of the table.  “I’m glad to see you all here, SG-1.  You’ve all had three weeks to think over the events that have transpired here, and to make certain decisions.  Now, I need to know if I’ll be putting through any resignation papers today or not.”

Sam’s gaze shifted quickly to Jack; had he tried to resign as well?  It didn’t surprise her, though, when she thought about it; he’d seen more deaths than she had and Daniel had died under his command.  She could see him wanting to retire for a final time.

Jack sat up straight as he answered the general’s question.  “I’m staying, sir.”

“As am I.”

Teal’c’s voice startled her; she never would have thought that he would consider leaving the SGC.  It was his self-appointed mission to defeat the Goa’uld and free his people, and she would have thought he’d be determined to continue the fight no matter what.  She realized suddenly that she had spent no time with Teal’c since Daniel’s death, and vowed to herself to
rectify the problem.  He seemed so accepting of everything that it was sometimes easy to pretend that he didn’t feel grief as strongly as the rest of them, but she knew for a fact that the loss of his friend had cut deep.

Sam squirmed slightly when she realized that they were all looking at her now; she was the only one yet to answer.  “Orlin came back through the Stargate somehow, and found me while I was away,” she found herself confessing.  “He said that Daniel was... important.  To us, to our future.  Oma Desala helped him become one of their race, so that she could teach him what he needs to know.”

They all looked at her with varying degrees of surprise and hope.  “So he’s not really dead?”  Jack demanded.  “He can come back?”

Those were the very same questions Sam herself had asked.  “He’s not dead, but he’s not really alive, either.  Not in the way that we understand life.  Orlin said that Daniel was very weak when he was... when he ascended.  It will take a long time for him to recover and to learn.  One day, he might be able to... come back, to visit, but they measure time in a way that’s different than we do.  By the time he’s strong enough, a hundred years might have passed.  There’s no way to know.”

“But he’s... okay?”

She finally looked at Jack, holding his gaze for longer than a half-second for the first time since she’d been back.  The pain she saw there tore at her, knowing that she was probably part of the reason.  “He’s okay.”  She shifted her eyes to General Hammond.  “In response to your question, sir – I’d like to remain part of SG-1.”

Hammond nodded, looking relieved.  “I was hoping you’d say that, SG-1.  I know it will be tough, but if anyone can do it it’s you three.  If you’re ready, I’d like to introduce you to your newest team member.”

Sam felt a sharp stab of pain; for some reason the thought of a replacement had never crossed her mind.  But of course they couldn’t continue with only three members.

Jack nodded stiffly.  “Yes sir.”

Sam found her eyes once again locked with the colonel’s as Hammond asked an airman to escort in their newest teammate.  They had a lot to discuss, not the least of which being the night they’d turned to each other for comfort, and she knew she had a lot to apologize for, but they would make it through whatever came next.  There would be a lot of trials ahead for all of them, a lot of adjustment, but they would make it.

They were SG-1.  They were unbreakable.

–end–

If anyone's interested, the spoilers I was working with include:-- Daniel "ascending" and the possibility of MS returning as a guest star in S6-- his "death" having to do with radiation
-- an emotional scene involving Sam and Hammond Unfortunately, I've heard nothing about S&J ending up in bed because of Daniel moving on <g>