"Say You Know What You Want" By DustDevil
TITLE: Say you know what you want (Part 4 of 'Choices')
AUTHOR: DustDevil
EMAIL:
dustdevil@btinternet.comRATING: NC-17 I guess
WARNINGS: S&J, sexual situations, angsty bits, language... other stuff...
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are not my property. They just came round to mine to play for a little while. You know the drill...
ARCHIVE: S&J Archive and Heliopolis, Yes. Others... please ask.
REQUIRED READING: This is the sequel to "Falling into anger, slipping into hell", which is the sequel to "To save us from ourselves", which in turn is the sequel to "One of those days, one of those things". And breathe!... whew... gotta stop doing more sequels!
SUMMARY: All that tension comes to a head...
FEEDBACK: Yes please! In whatever form. If you think this sucks, tell me!
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Remember when I said that I love my work?
Well... I do.
Paperwork on the other hand... now that I hate... with a vengeance. I think it's fair to make the distinction between real work and paperwork. The only relation between them is that one always follows the other. Oh and if the first is really exciting and interesting... then the other won't be. Oh and if we get in trouble... the paperwork is hell. You get the idea don't you? I mean, the SGC must go through a whole damn rainforest in just one month here... and is it all necessary? I doubt it.
Don't get me wrong... the mission reports I can understand... they have meaning, and they have a certain value... to someone. Well anyway... if I don't do them I get into a hell of a lot of trouble. I get glares from my team-mates when we're refused a mission because someone has fallen behind... then I get a slapped wrist from Hammond. Both these I could really do without.
It's the other stuff though. I mean I have Safety reports and physical check-ups and planet surveys coming out of my ears! You've never seen an inbox like mine! Damn thing fell over yesterday when I brushed by my desk and I swear I was trapped beneath the ensuing avalanche for hours!!! Okay... Maybe not. But you get the picture.
Sigh. I liked the special forces. Sure, we had to write mission reports there as well but I'm damn sure that we never had all this junk! Mind you... maybe I've just blocked it all out... I'm good at that... Yeah Jack... I'm good at pretending that paperwork is all I have on my mind right now...
Sheesh.
Much though I hate it, I am so glad it's all my job entails at the moment. No missions means that the two... the four of us will not see too much of each other today. Danny's in his lab, pouring over some of that Greek stuff we brought back, Teal'c is watching videos... no don't ask... I don't know what he's watching and I don't want to know. It just leads to too many questions... questions I'm sure he picks carefully to annoy me cause I can't answer them. And Sam? Sam is in her lab. At least I assume she is. It's where she normally goes when we're trapped on-world. I know she's here at the SGC today because Danny told me.
Oh Danny.
I was grinding my teeth at the thought of his questions when I arrived this morning, and sure enough, when I entered the relative safety of my office, he swept in just as I got my rear into the seat. Great. Strangely though, after his "interference" the other night, I find I'm not angry... which is weird... cause I though I would be. That is until he told me he went out with Sam last night. That surprised me a little. I mean I knew he'd be round to check on her, but I didn't think she'd be up for going out. Huh. Just cause you weren't Jack? I was supposed to. The others all knew that a buddy of mine from years ago was gonna be in town last night so at least I had an excuse for not trying to see Sam. Well. That's what I can tell myself anyway. Instead, I made it through two drinks and made my excuses. I gave my buddy some lame-o excuse about having a mission the next day. He bought it too. Ah... I'll make it up to him some day. I drove by Sam's on the way home, not intending to go in, and when I saw all the lights were out I amused she was asleep. Not out with Danny. According to him it wasn't a great night out anyway, and that they just talked. Whatever. The gist was that she told Danny that we had an argument, a falling out, and that we were just letting things cool down a bit. He bought it. Mostly anyway, though he's given me a few funny looks. God I'm glad he bought it. I don't know though... part of me is almost absurdly annoyed that she didn't tell him the truth. I don't know why I'm thinking that, as I don't think I could cope with Daniel bouncing in and demanding to know why I went round her house and proceeded to try and get her into bed!
I suppose I did didn't I?
Huh. So... instead of drowning my sorrows with an old friend I wandered on home, perhaps fooling myself that she'd come to me like I came to her. Yeah right. That would never happen. And it didn't.
So I sat at home and sulked, and the rain came again, and I was almost tempted to go out in it, but I didn't. I didn't want to risk finding myself on her doorstep once more. She didn't come to me so I'm not gonna intrude and go to her. She must have told Danny a part truth, that she wants time to let things cool down.
So I sat in. And then went to bed. I don't know how I managed to sleep last night, but boy do I remember waking up. For crying out loud Jack, how old are you? Certainly too old to be having wet dreams for God's sake. Well, apparently not as it seems. My body really has been surprising me of late, supplying my brain with a whole host of crazy notions that I'd thought long lost. Mind you... I certainly had a lot to dream about. How am I possibly expected to forget the feel of her against me, her soft skin under my hands, her hot tongue loose in my mouth, she way she rose to me, and pressed against me in that urgent, shared need that we never got to explore. God I want her. I had these same thoughts this morning, but snapped out of them when I realised my hand had slipped beneath the cover, gravitating towards my lower half. I snatched the offending hand away. Oh no Jack. No. I'm not gonna do that and think of her. It seems wrong somehow, wrong because I don't know how things are between us, and what was gonna happen now.
Are things gonna be okay? Are they Sam? Can we possibly go back to what we had before? Do you want to?
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Liars... they're both a pair of liars.
Jack, Jack I knew would lie... but I really thought that Sam would open up to me last night. She lied about being alright, and God she lied about not having seen Jack. I know. I went round last night to take her out, in the hope I'd find out what the hell was wrong with my friends... and maybe try and sort it, and she reluctantly agreed to go for coffee. She swept into her bedroom to change and I found myself pacing up and down, somehow really restless. That's what brought me to her bathroom, but I have no idea what made me look inside. That's when I saw them... Jack's clothes. His favourite, old soft grey jersey, and a pair of old, plain, pants. They were draped over the side of the bath, and looked like they had been put there to dry. Of course. He must have come here the other night in the rain. And what happened after that? I have no idea. Another unknown chapter in this new Sam/Jack tale. I tried dropping hints, about him being there, because she seemed so fragile, her hands curled around her coffee, shoulders bunched, face on the verge of tears, that I couldn't bear to just ask her outright. And she was not forthcoming. She spun me some tale about a fallout, and needing time to cool down. Yeah Sam... I believe that, but that can't be the whole truth.
And Jack?
Jack just didn't say a thing. I told him what Sam said and he agreed... sort of. He just never really added anything of his own. He asked... somewhat hesitantly... if she was here, and I told him she was. Poor guy was doing his best to maintain his poker face, but his eyebrows betrayed him... and boy did they leap when I told him I'd been out with Sam the night before. I don't know what bothered him more, the fact that I was out with her, or that she was out at all, and not crying in her bed. I let him believe she was okay, which was my turn to lie, cause I know if she'd stayed home, she would have cried all night. I have got to do something... something to sort this out... but I don't know if I should. If Jack came to her last night, then he wants to make, whatever this is, better. Maybe Sam doesn't realise that. Or maybe she is the one who doesn't want to sort this out. I know it's hard, oh God I know... and I know things aren't perfect, and there are barriers and walls blocking every path. But isn't it worth it? Isn't it worth it Jack? I see the way he looks at her and I know the question must be always on his mind. And Sam?... Sam loves him with a pure, candid love... but she also loves her job, her career. Oh God... They are going through hell and I don't know what to do to help. Sigh. Anyway, I think it's better I try and talk to her, then maybe later, if I get more out of her, I'll try my hand at Jack.
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Why is this stupid machine not working?
I slam my fist into the top of the range spectrometer and regret it instantly. Great. Now I have a sprained wrist.
I have tried all morning to fling myself into my work but to no avail. All I can think of is Jack. His rough hands on my skin, his warm weight pressing down on me, his hot, sinful mouth plundering mine.
Concentrate Sam... concentrate.
It was real. It wasn't a dream and it was real. Jack was there, and I was there, both enveloped in a raging desire and need, a need to be one, a need to partake of the other, to loose ourselves in that joining of minds and bodies. We could have, we could have bridged that gap and made that conscious choice... and we would have. We would have if Danny hadn't...
"Hey Sam"
Well... speak of the proverbial devil... I give Danny a greeting that plainly indicates my desire to be alone, but he refuses to the take the hint. Oh please no Danny, I had enough of your questions last night. I guess it must be hard on him, as far as he's concerned, his two best pals just had a real nasty falling out, with one crying, and one receiving a slap in the face. He just wants to make things better again... get things back the way they used to be. Well... don't we all Danny. Don't we all. I pull myself upright and slide my hands to the small of my back where the muscles ache from standing in this position too long. God and these fatigues itch. Danny slips into my long cold and abandoned seat, and judging by the look on his face, oh he has plans for a long drawn out conversation. I start to pace, concealing my sudden restlessness and shyness in my need to stretch my aching limbs. He's not falling for it. His eyes never leave mine. Well dammit... say something Daniel!
"Sam... Sam what happened between you and Jack the other day?... are you... did you... get involved?"
Okay... say anything but that! I stop and turn and stare. I really didn't think he'd just come out and say that. It was so soft, barely a whisper... He's looking at me with those expressive, puppy dog eyes, his brows all wrinkled as he wonders if he's gone to far. I think so... but I just can't stay mad at him for long.
"Danny?... what are you talking about?"
I swing away from him and try to act like I don't know what the hell he's going on about. I hear him get up then, and he walks round in front of me, his face full of concern.
"Sam I..."
He stops. Or should I say they stop. Jack stands stock still in the doorway, rather surprised to hear his own words come simultaneously out of Danny's mouth. Oh God. You know what I'd really like right now? I'd really like the floor to open right up and engulf me... take me somewhere... anywhere far away from here. Please God... it's not too much to ask is it?... really? Just anywhere other than here with these two men, my two main problems at the moment. I just drop my eyes to the ground, I don't want to face either man right now. Not Danny with his million and one questions and annoying if caring attitude, and not Jack with those devil's hands and angel's eyes. Huh, I'm getting too used to this pretending I'm not here and waiting for everything to resolve itself around me. One of these days I'm just gonna shout out what I want... but not now. I stand... and I wait... and sure enough I hear the sounds of footsteps leaving. I look up in time to see both Danny and Jack leaving by different doors. Good. I couldn't ask for anything better.
I wonder what Jack was going to say? I saw his car in the lot this morning, and I was very careful to avoid all his usual haunts on the way in. Lt. Jardin told me he had a lot of paperwork to do, seems he hasn't written up about any of our last two missions yet, so he's office bound for the day. And I'm lab bound. The main difference being I like being lab-bound, whereas Jack, I know, hates doing paperwork. And he loves telling people that. I wonder what he was going to say? He didn't look angry, so he wasn't here to shout, but I didn't have time to catch the emotion on his face before he turned to look at Daniel. Mind you, I think we covered almost every single emotion that other night, so he could really chose any of them to tackle me with. When I first came in this morning, I did wonder if he was still as angry as when he left my place, but like my feelings at the time, they have faded somewhat, and I'm left feeling confused once more, my mood yo-yoing from one to the other. I wonder what he was going to say? C'mon Sam... if he really wants to talk, he'll come back later. Either that, or maybe I should buck up the courage to go talk to him. Maybe. Maybe I will. After all... he came to me that other night. Huh. He didn't say anything, but when I opened that door his body language was very clear... he was sorry... sorry that we'd fallen out.
And so we made up. We made up a little too far. We should have stopped at a nice, comforting hug. Nothing more. But we got carried away... again. Without drink.
Anyway.
Work Sam.
Remember that goo we brought back on our uniforms the other day? Well it's my job to have a look at it. Hmm... have a peer down the microscope at it... do our usual tests. Not exactly cutting edge theoretical physics... but it's my job nonetheless. The stuff is actually fairly interesting... has a few interesting adhesive qualities...
I wonder what he was going to say?
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Always in the wrong place at the wrong time eh? That's me. Or Danny, depending on how you look at it.
I'd only gone out for a coffee as well. I went to the machine on this level, and finding it broken I went to the lab level to use theirs. I didn't take it back to my office either, for some reason... I just leant back against it's surprising coolness and drank it right there. Tasted awful too... dunno how Daniel can manage to drink quite so much of it. I swear he survives on this stuff. I mean he eats food like the rest of us... but only when we're getting stuff together, and not very enthusiastically. And when he comes round to mine, I always make sure there's a full pot waiting.
Anyway.
I stood there... and I drank my coffee. When finished, I crushed up the Styrofoam cup and dropped it in the bin for recycling. Hmm recycling... what do they make out of it? Probably more cups... So then I just stood there, hands jammed into my fatigues, and took a look around me. I'm not down on the lab level that often. Well certainly not usually of my own volition. Normally I'm dragged down by Daniel or Sam.
Sam...
I take another look around. It's quiet today. I took a look at the roster when I arrived late this morning, and was rather surprised to see how little people were in. There were no missions today, and very little follow up to previous ones. I had been so disappointed to see that Sam wasn't here. I don't know why, I hadn't planned on going to see her or anything, it's just I would have felt better knowing she was somewhere close. Then I banged into Danny while collecting some more paperwork, and he told she had since arrived. So... several hours later I find myself here, on her level.
I listened for a few minutes. And I was pretty sure there wasn't much activity, so I took a wander down the right hand corridor... towards Sam's lab. Danny's lab lies the other way, so I wouldn't have to pass him, thank God. I didn't stop to think what I was going to say or anything, I thought maybe I could ask her to lunch in the mess, then maybe we could try and have some normal, pleasant conversation under the watchful eye of the good ol' USAF. Wishful thinking Colonel... wishful thinking. I walked right in and opened my mouth... only to find my words coming out of Danny's mouth as well. He was stood beside her, trying to get her to look at him, and Sam... Sam was standing facing slightly away, hands at her back, looking up to ceiling, and for all the world wishing Danny away. And then she saw me. Last straw I think, for she spun away and looked at the ground, wanting to be somewhere, anywhere else. So I made it easy for her, and I left again, as did Danny. I wonder what they were talking about?
That's it. I'm not gonna go to her again. I've done it twice now, and each time she just looks away, pretending I'm not there, and waits for me to go. That's not like you Sam. It's not like you to not take things head on, and face them. It must be because she doesn't want to face this, she just wants it to go away. Well that's all very well, and if that's your decision then fair enough, but I want you as a friend at least. Oh it'll be hard, hard not to look at you with love, but I'll learn, I promise. Just let me talk to you, just let me talk for five minutes and we can sort it I promise... I promise I won't tell you I love you... I won't...
Yeah who are you kidding. I can't believe I feel this way about her. Just the other day I found out I'd been secretly and quietly falling in love with her, and now it seems to be all I think about! I imagine telling her, whispering it into her ear as I hold her so close. Smelling her hair and ever so gently kissing her ear. I should have done it the other night... but I didn't know then. And if she didn't feel the same then she'd tell me, and at least I'd know, then we could forget about all of this and move on.
I find my hands trembling as I remember her touch, and I dismiss this feeling as I delve back into my paperwork with a grimace and false enthusiasm.
"Colonel O'Neill, Sir?"
I look up. It's that new young lieutenant what's-his-name, the one with the short, spiky blond hair that Janet was going on about the other day. I lean back in my chair and ask him what he wants.
"General Hammond would like to see you about your finished mission reports in half an hour Sir"
"Thank you lieutenant, I'll be there"
I stay in my relaxed position until the lieutenant disappears, then I jerk upright with a few words that would even make me blush. Half an hour? Oh for crying out loud there's no way I'm ever gonna have these done by then! So much for thinking about Sam, I have some work to do... and very little time to do it!
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Well...
I must say I'm a little surprised. It's been ages since those two left, and not a sniff of another attempt to annoy me. Unless... I hear footsteps... and that's a bad sign. Wait though... they don't sound like Danny's shuffles, or Jack's big strides. I let out a sigh of relief as Janet wanders in in her civvies, obviously ready to head on home.
"Ooo someone's working hard"
I smile, and flop down in my chair. I've really gotten nowhere on this goo, anything interesting it had to show me happened in the first five minutes of study. And now it's getting boring.
"Not really... I think I'm almost done here"
I give her a big smile, but she suddenly looks very concerned, and walks in closer. Uh oh. Maybe I was too easily comforted by her presence. I straighten in my chair, and try my best to look confused at her attitude.
"Sam..."
Oh great. Now everyone's at it. I swivel away from her, but she places a firm arm on my shoulder and spins me around.
"Your team-mates have been having words with me Sam... you wanna talk about it?"
"My team-mates?"
"Teal'c and Danny... "
"Oh... what did they say?"
"Something about you and Jack having a bit of a falling out, and having still not made up. Danny and Teal'c have their own ideas about what's going on, but I thought I'd get it straight from you."
"Get what?... it's just like they said Janet, we fell out, and we haven't quite made up yet. We just need some time apart to let things cool down"
"Uh huh... time apart eh? So just what was he doing at yours the other night, soaking wet?"
"What?... how did you... I mean... where did... did he tell you?"
"No. Danny saw his clothes in your bathroom."
Great. Oh that's just great. I'd forgotten all about Jack's clothes until I got home from my night out with Daniel. I'd actually felt a lot better, and Jack being there seemed like a dream, or a nightmare. That was until I wandered into the bathroom to brush my teeth and saw his clothes still lying there. Oops. I had no idea Danny had seen. No wonder he'd been so insistent that "something" was going on. Well at least he'd let me decide whether I answered him or not, Janet won't stand for any of that crap. Huh... I wish.
"Sam? You gonna tell me?"
"There's nothing to tell"
"Did you sleep with him?"
"No!"
I whirl and look at her then, suddenly livid, and she actually looks quite taken aback. I'm not known for outbursts, and of course, in doing so, I've just let on that something has happened... but no I didn't sleep with him!
"Okay okay... maybe I'm prying, but this has obviously got the two of you steamed up, and even General Hammond has noticed that something isn't right, so you better get something sorted out!"
Oh God. Hammond has noticed? This has started to do the one thing that I was so afraid of. It's starting to affect my career... and I won't let it!.
"Nothing has happened Janet, I promise it'll all be better soon"
She looks at me, and she isn't convinced. She does realise that she's upset me though, and she starts to back away, obviously willing to give us a little more time to get this sorted out.
"Okay okay... look... I'm here if you need to talk okay?... Okay?"
"I know Janet... and thanks"
Great. Just great. I have to get this sorted out as soon as possible. That's it... maybe I'll go see him... that would probably be a good idea. He's been to see me twice, so I owe it to him. Okay... I'll just finish these last few tests, then I'll go see him. I'd prefer to see him here, in his office, where it's safe. So... that's what I'll do. I'll finish my work, then go see him. What will I say? I don't know. I have to have something to say though, I can't just stand there and leave it all to him, look how that ended up the other day... and we can't let that happen again, no matter how much I want it. Oh and I want it. Who wouldn't? Have you looked at that man lately? He really is the sexiest man I've ever known... that unconscious swagger of his, those eyebrows, those eyes... those hands... those hands... those hot, clever hands on my bare skin. Of course I want that! Of course I do! But what's the point? What's the point in doing that once? I'll only want it again, and again... but we have to talk. We have to. So we will... we will...
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"Ah... sit down Colonel... sit down"
Here we go. Now I'm in for it. He's shuffling through those reports I just gave him, and he doesn't look happy. They're hand written, cause I had no time to type 'em, and rushed as I was my writing is worse than ever. I watch as he frowns at each and every one of them... oh I'm gonna get it now...
"So Colonel... do you have a reason to give me why these reports are so late... and so badly written?"
He places the sheafs of paper back on the desk, and the three I didn't manage to get round to stapling slide apart from one another, attempting to escape, as I wish I could. Well... I don't have a reason do I?... apart from the fact that I've spent the majority of the last few days tangling with Sam... in more ways then one.
"Umm, no sir. Just me being lazy Sir"
"Now you see Colonel, that's the reason I would normally assume in your case, but the fact that you just told me that, suggests otherwise. That and the fact that it has come to my attention that there may be a few tensions within SG-1"
Oh Shit. Oh shit. I think ol' George has been spending far too much time scrutinising us when we come through the gate of late. Mind you... the last time we came through Carter had just said "Fuck you" to me, and I probably didn't look happy... and neither did she. Then there was the incident in the locker room... Danny wouldn't squeal would he? Well... he probably told Janet... and in looking after her best friend, and the overall mental health of the team... maybe she said something.
"Tensions Sir?"
"You heard me right Colonel. It has been brought to my notice that you and Captain Carter have been having a few problems... is this correct?"
"No Sir"
"No Sir?"
"No Sir... there are no problems between Captain Carter and myself"
"Now Colonel, I saw the two of you the other day, and Dr Frasier has brought a few other things to my attention, so I really would prefer it if you didn't lie to me. I don't know what the "problems" are between you two, but I hope to God that you merely had some disagreement about procedure or a course of action off-world... please tell me I am correct in this"
"... Yes Sir. Carter and I had a bit of a difference of opinion that's all, and we're just taking time for things to cool down, nothing more"
"So there will be no long lasting repercussions to the team?"
"No Sir... you have my assurances about that"
Oh shit oh shit!
"... Very well Colonel, in light of this situation, I will accept these... sub-standard reports. Your team now has the rest of the week on-world, with a new mission at 13:00 on Monday morning, I trust you will take the remaining time to sort out your team!"
"Yes Sir"
"Dismissed!"
Thank God... oh thank God let me out of here... maybe he doesn't suspect anything... I get up then in a rather jerky move, as I find I'm stiff, so tight did I hold myself through this interview.
"Oh and Colonel... "
Uh oh.
"Yes General?"
"A little advice... Jack... I think you should watch your step very carefully... where Captain Carter is concerned... if you get my meaning..."
"... Yes General... understood Sir"
SHIT! What the hell was I supposed to say to that? I couldn't have feigned puzzlement and asked what he had meant, because I didn't want him to go any further into that particular line of questioning! What the hell did Janet tell him?... maybe I should have words with her, but I doubt that would help. I leave then... as quickly as I can. Oh I've never seen the General look at me like that... even through all the things I've done over the years here. Oh that warning was very clear and concise... shit... this could mean real trouble... That's it... my work is done for the day... I'm going home. Oh Sam... oh Sam. Now things are a little harder. I still want her... I want her so bad. Maybe... maybe if we just kept it secret for a while... I mean... Hammond was only concerned because of how it affected our work, how we acted in the SGC... I think... I really think that if we kept it strictly to off-duty hours, then maybe, even if he knew... he wouldn't mind...
Huh.
Nice line of thought Jack. First of all, you have to get Sam to even talk to you! Much less start some covert relationship with her! I get to my office in record time, and scooping my jacket up off the back of the chair I leave. I can't deal with anymore of this now. I've gotta get home and relax... if that's at all possible...
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Well. I'm not at all sure what to think... but if I didn't know better, I'd think there was something going on between my two officers in SG-1. And that is a very bad thing.
I've always been somewhat aware of some sort of mutual attraction between them, ever since Captain Carter first transferred here from the Pentagon and challenged the Colonel straight off the bat. But I never imagined that either of them would act on it.
Yes, O'Neill is a bit of a loose cannon, but his excellent military mind more than makes up for it. He can be a royal pain in the ass, but he's a damn good man, and a good leader. Carter?... Carter is an excellent officer, and I wouldn't be surprised if she wasn't due for a promotion fairly soon. Unlike Jack though, Sam is a very by-the-book airman, and I very much doubt if she'd flirt with a court martial, and threaten ruining the team for the sake of... of what? A fling? Well... neither of them would risk trouble for that. But what if it were something else? What if it were deeper than that?
Well. I hope not. This is the military life people... and you both chose it. Any decision you make from here on in could seriously affect your remaining time here. I really do not want to have to split up my best team. You best remember that Colonel, Captain, but I will do what I have to. This is my base, and I do demand a certain level of decorum from my officers. Please... please don't disappoint me.
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By the time I plucked up the courage to go see Jack, and even made up an opening line, I found him already gone. Huh. All those hours of pacing and worrying for nothing. So I went home. And here I am... much like those other nights. I find I'm almost afraid though... I keep flinching at every sound, just in case he turns up. What about you Sam? I thought you were going to go and see him, and get things sorted out? Well I tried didn't I? I went to his office to see him but he was gone! Well go round to his then! No! Why not!... I'm afraid... of what?... him shouting at you again?... no... I'm afraid of... afraid that... Afraid that you won't manage as much self restraint as last time?... ... Yes...
Great... now I'm going mad.
I could go round though couldn't I?
I mean... as long as I stated my intentions clearly when I got there, as long as I told him I was there to talk... and that was all. As long as I stayed away from him... and didn't get too close...
No... that's a bad idea.
I'll just wait. I'll sit here and watch the TV and drink my beer. I'm fine. I'm having a great time. There's a good film on... a film I like. Can't quite remember it's name... later... maybe later I'll have that nice, long, deep, hot bath I promised myself, and listen to some music.
I'll be on base tomorrow and so will he. I'll go in early, get a few hours work done, pluck up the courage all over again and go and see him. Maybe I'll ask him to lunch in the mess, someplace nice and public where we can talk this over, sort it out, and vow never to do it again. That'll do. We'll sort it tomorrow... I'm quite tired and sore right now, too many hours squinting down a microscope. No doubt Janet or Danny will phone or come round... sigh... Danny I can handle... I can usually fob with off with some tale or other... but Janet... Janet will see right through me...
I'll sort it, I already said that!
I'll sort it tomorrow...
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Ahh.
Now this is my idea of a quiet night in.
I got changed as soon as I got home, and out of those damn fatigues and crappy clothes that I keep for use in the SGC. Yeah so they're comfy out in the field, and they keep you warm and protect you and whatever, but new ones really itch! So I changed. I'm lounging now in an old comfy and frayed pair of jeans and an old black T-shirt. Well... okay so it's grey now. I never was much good with washing. I mean I get the stuff clean, it's just it tends to fade, or shrink... or both. So this T-shirt is several sizes smaller and several shades lighter than it was when I bought it. But it's comfy. It's soft and well worn and reminds me of better days, before I used to worry so much. I used to play ball with Charlie in this shirt... and I think wearing it now makes me feel relaxed somehow... calm and warm. And God if I don't need that right now.
It IS warm here. It's a surprisingly cold night out there, so I turned the heating right up, enough so I can lounge back in my sofa with bare arms and no socks. I love that. I love walking around in my bare feet. It calms me too. Don't ask why... for I have no idea. So here I am. A beer in my hand, a half-eaten pizza by my side, and the TV on. Nothing much to see though, so I absently flick through the channels. Not much sport, which annoys me. I can always loose myself in sport. Hmm... news. Not tonight thanks. Cartoons?... tempting... but it's all new fangled stuff... gimme some good old Warner Brothers stuff and I can watch for hours. Love Wiley Coyote... kinda reminds me of me. Films... can't be bothered with a new film, I just don't have the presence of mind to follow one through from the start and keep watching to the end. Now if there was something I knew on... then that would be okay. Get a new beer from the fridge and settle back. My, I'm actually having a not half bad evening here. Well, so I think till I flick the channels on once more. Oh. Oh it's this film. Sam likes this film. It's one of her favourites. I sit and watch it for a while, beer growing warm in my hands before I snap out of it. C'mon Jack! Stop mooning! Remember all those plans for a great night in by myself? Doing all those things that only I like? Having beer in the bath? Playing a little sock hockey in the house? Pizza in bed? Well do something! I suddenly find myself full of a surprising energy, and leap to my feet, flicking the TV off. Enough of that for a start. Music I think... music would be good. I scrabble for the other control, and finding it under a couch cushion I flick my stereo on. Slow music comes on, but not too slow. So I leave it be, and trot through to the kitchen for an alcohol replacement. I'm all lively now... what happened? Maybe I should have a little game of sock hockey... I'll never get to sleep like this. I'm filled with a sudden sense of impending excitement, and this thought confuses me.
What's wrong with me? Was the cheese on that Pizza off? I wouldn't be surprised... damn thing was meant to be plain cheese and it tasted of chicken...
It's really hot in here, and my new found joie de vie suggests that maybe I should go get a little fresh air. Fresh air?... yeah I guess that sounds okay... open the door and maybe stand on the steps for a little bit, letting a nice, cool breeze wash over me. I'm on my way to the door, thinking that maybe that little voice sounds like that other little voice I've been hearing a lot of lately, when I fling open the door and pause there, one foot in mid-air, as I see Sam starting up the path, bathed in moonlight... looking for all the world heaven sent...
We pause. We both stop stock still, like a couple of rabbits caught in the headlights. Our eyes meet, and all my previous intentions of quiet, lone, entertainment fall away as I look at her, and she looks at me. I hold her gaze, and she mine. I won't let her look away... she'll disappear if I do, fade away into the night, another chance gone. She keeps walking, and stands at the bottom of my steps. We stop again, lost in the gaze of the other. She moves her hands to her hips, and moves her mouth. She looks like she has some line to say, some opening gambit... but nothing comes out. Nothing at all. I think she came intending to say one thing, but finding herself here, and me on the doorstep, her resolve has faltered, and we find ourselves with no clear course of action. Time passes. What must only be a few scant seconds seems to stretch into minutes, hours. I feel that energy within me still, trembling in my core, and I wonder what prescience brought me out here, to find her, and stop whatever was to come. She wants to look away. I can tell... She wants to, but she can't. Like me she's trapped, frozen in this moment, and when it's over. It's over.
The voice inside me speaks again, whispering overrides to my muscles and bones, and I move, quicker than I would have thought possible. I reach forward in one, fluid snap of a movement, and take Sam roughly by the elbow. She looks surprised, but I don't wait to see what that expression will turn into as I step backwards, drawing her inside, letting the door close behind me. But I don't stop there, oh no. I keep moving, pulling her alongside, and in her shock she has not yet had time to respond, so I move onward, through my living room, and I pull her up the stairs, into my bedroom, and finally... into my arms, and against my hot, trembling lips.
She's tense, oh so very tense, so I hold her tighter, and kiss her harder, my eyes squeezed shut. C'mon Sam... c'mon... after what seems like an eternity, she loosens, and her arms creep tentatively around my shoulders. I daresay this is certainly not what she intended tonight, but I don't care... right now I don't care. I want her. I slide my hands down her back and slip the tips of my fingers inside the waistband of her jeans, touching sweet, soft, flesh. She shudders, and fingernails make their presence known against my back. I move her backwards, my feet shuffling against hers until her shoulders come to rest against the wall. Turning my head, I open my mouth, and she lets me in. Oh how I'd remembered that tongue! And here it is again, a hot, flicking flame of soft caresses, exploring my mouth. I lean into her, sliding my hands between flesh and denim, and cup her perfect ass, pulling her against me there, letting her feel my arousal. Her hands wander down my back and pull at my T-shirt. I lean back slightly, keeping my lips on hers, and allow her to pull it free, fingers suddenly loose over my chest and back, washing over my skin. I feel a shudder of my own.
Following her lead, I do the same, pulling my hands free I yank her blouse from her jeans, and slide my warm hands up the gentle curve of her spine, holding her to me firmly. I love the feeling of her breasts pressed against my chest. We each copy the actions of the other, and she moves a hand onto my rear, caressing me through the taut material. Oh. I had so wanted to go slow... I wanted to love her remember? But right now... right now I just want her. I want to feel her writhe beneath me, our bodies as one.
I stop then.
I gently peel my lips from hers, placing a last soft kiss on her nose, and I pull her hands from my body and take a full step backwards, meeting her eyes as she searches, confused, for mine. I stand there, and she watches me. She looks disappointed, and that makes me so very glad. I have to make this choice clear, I have to ask her, I have to hear her say it.
"Sam... " My voice sounds strange in my ears, low and husky with barely restrained desire. Her eyes are dark, and they sparkle with a deep, internal lust. As mine.
"Sam, I want you"
She just looks at me. Answer me Sam. Please. Say you know what you want.
"Do you want me Sam?... what do you want?"
She just looks at me, and I think she's a little surprised that I asked her. This has to be real Sam, you have to choose it.
"I... " She pauses, and shakes her head a little to gain back some control over her body. I swallow, the noise echoing in my head as she looks up... expression uncertain.
"I want you Jack"
Thank you God.
I don't wait for anything else. I grab her with both hands, and wrap my arms fiercely around her, my lips coming down over hers with force. She responds to me, she crushes me back, meeting and matching my deepening kiss every step of the way. I step back a little, and fumble with her blouse, dragging each button from its confines with shaky, rushing fingers. That done, I pull it from her arms, unclip her bra, and claim her naked breasts with my hands, feeling their full weight against my palms as she gasps, her head falling back from mine. Oh I'd like to take my time, I really would, but my brain tells me we can do that later, so I release my hold on her and clutching her around the waist I lift her from the floor, then turn and throw her onto my bed. Straddling her legs, I fumble with her jeans, and she sits up to meet me, tugging my T-shirt over my head. I yank her zip down, then stand to pull her jeans off as quickly as I can. That done, I turn my attention to my own pants, pulling the belt free and dropping them to the floor. She reaches up and yanks me down into her arms, bare skin finally coming into contact with bare skin, the full length of our bodies naked and together. Finally.
I just savour that feeling for a while, kissing her tenderly. There is nothing like that first touch of intimacy, that electric touch of two bodies, entwined for the very first time. Her soft, soft skin rubbing against mine. She cups my face with her hands, and I cradle her head with mine. Hearts thump against each other as we stand at the lip of the abyss, that calls us down, calls us down with an urgent, sirens song. I release her lips, and trail my mouth down the left side of her body, and back up the right, taking in breasts and stomach as I go. She releases my hair from her grasp, and drags her fingernails down my back, making me arch in a sudden spasm of pleasurable pain. They come to rest against my buttocks, digging in, and she gives my ear a playful nip. Not just yet Sam. I plunder her neck with my lips, moving slightly to one side to allow my hands freedom to move over her body. She stops her insistent clutching, and gives herself instead to my tender caress.
I kiss her again, and as my exploration increases, her mouth falters, attention distracted elsewhere, and I swirl my tongue, exploring each and every facet and curve of teeth and gum. I attend to the rest of her body with long, sweeping strokes from head to foot, stretching back to run my hand up the back of her legs, smiling against her mouth as she shivers at my touch. How long have I wanted to see her react that way to me, to see her moan and sigh for me alone. She comes back to herself then, and signals her impatience by kissing me back ferociously, and pulling my body to her with her hands, pushing our hips together, rising to meet mine. The feeling of closeness and her nails sending sharp signals up my spine call to my nervous system with a primitive yearning, and I find myself moving against her, skin against skin, my hard need trapped between us, as we hold each other close. She pulls her head back from the kiss, and places her forehead against mine. Her eyes are dark and shadowed, and beg me to stop this torture. She leans back against the pillows, and pulls me down with her.
"Jack..." she whispers, fingers digging in once more as she shifts beneath me, moving to receive me. Oh Sam. Sam. Holding her face in my hands I move my legs between hers, letting my full weight descend slowly. She holds my shoulders firmly, and our eyes are locked as I position myself to enter her. Oh God... Oh Sam... She closes her eyes and sucks in a breath as I slide my body along hers, the feeling indescribable as we become one. I clutch at the end of the bed beyond her head, holding myself at full length within her, and lower my head to taste her full, red lips.
Oh Sam...
Moving away again, I start up a slow, deep rhythm, and she matches her movements with mine, grinding against me, hands running free over my back. Oh God how can anything feel so good? So right? So good is it, that I start to feel my self control slipping away, and I move more erratically, her mouth and hands egging me on... faster... deeper... harder...
Sam...
I release the bed and wrap my arms oh so very tightly around her, holding her so close as I follow her wishes. She does the same, and my forehead lowers to rest against hers, gazing at my own reflection in those sapphire eyes, as we pant in unison. Sam... She's writhing so beneath me, and as she starts to moan softly, I know she must be close. She grips my back, drawing blood, and I lower my head to lightly close my teeth on her shoulder. We pick up the pace, and within a few scant minutes I know that I am ready, and she signals her nearness with a deep throaty moaning of my name. I don't think I could ever tire of hearing her say my name like that.
Pressing my cheek against hers I let go of my control, and she rakes her fingers down my back to hold me close, legs coming around me as I move faster and faster within her. All of a sudden she throws her head back, mouth open, eyes closed, and I can feel her tighten around me as she gasps and finds her release. Oh Sam... Sam... Sam...
"Sam..."
I gasp out her name on the end of a long exhalation as her internal contractions tip me over the edge. Every muscle in my body contracts at the same time and I go rigid as a board as I find my own release within her, eyes closed and face screwed up as I ride the wave of pleasure that washes over me. Oh God. Oh God Sam... God I love you Sam... I love you. I think it, but I don't say it. Not yet. Eventually my muscles let go, one by one, and finally I let myself fall into her warm, open arms. We just lie there, in a warm embrace, as our hearts and breathing slows to a more sedate pace, my head snuggled against her shoulder.
Well.
We've done it now haven't we? Literally.
*********************************************************
"Are you sure Daniel? I mean I spoke to Sam, and she was hiding something, but I just don't know if that's it"
"What did she say when you asked her if they'd slept together?"
"Well... she spun on me and nearly went mad! Maybe you are right, she would never have reacted that way if something hadn't happened"
"I don't know Janet, they're just not talking"
I sit back and rub my neck. It's getting late, and we've been discussing this subject all night. I didn't know what to do after what happened today, and Janet felt the same when we met in the car lot, so we went back to hers, and tried to figure out just what the hell was going on.
"Hey Teal'c, any luck?"
Teal'c comes in and sits beside us, his rigid posture in stark contrast to the relaxed and tilted postures of me and Janet. We've just gotta teach him to relax one of these days.
"There is no answer from Captain Carter. Either she is not in or she is not answering her phone"
Oops. It really is a bit late for Sam to be out, well by herself anyway. Not that we're her only friends of course, but it just seems strange for her not to be in. Of course, she might just not be answering, in case it's us phoning to pester her (which it is). Or... there's a reason she's not answering... either that or she is elsewhere. We discuss the possibilities for a moment, but no matter how much they egg me on, I refuse to call Jack. There's no way I'm gonna call him. I think he's fairly pissed at me already. For all I know I could have interrupted them the other night, and if so, then I certainly don't want to be responsible for doing that again! But... but that would mean they would...
No Daniel. We don't know. We don't know anything, and they're not talking. That's what worries me most of all. We all used to be so close... now suddenly it feels like us against them... and we don't even know if there is a "them"!
"C'mon Daniel, Teal'c, drink up. At the moment there is nothing we can do. If they want to speak to us, then they will. We have to let them sort it out"
"But what if they don't"
"Well so far Daniel, we've just been getting in the way. You said yourself Jack came to see Sam today"
"Yeah... maybe you're right. Maybe if we just stay out of the way everything will be alright. Lucky it's just us that know about it..."
Janet shifts in her chair then, and looks up at us, a little worried. Uh oh. I glance at Teal'c and he is looking at me. I ask Janet what she means, and she hesitantly tells me that Hammond noticed something was amiss, and ordered her to tell him anything she knew.
"Oh"
"Exactly. He said he was going to have a word with the Colonel, and get him to make sure everything was sorted out. I didn't tell him my suspicions, and I could see he didn't want to order me too. Oh Daniel... I think he suspects"
Great. Just great. Not only are they having enough problems between themselves, now they have the military at their back. If they are involved, and they are found out, then it could mean court martials for the both of them. Great. Things really are going from bad to worse...
********************************************************
It's dark outside now, the soft glow of my bedside lamp the only light. It fills the room with a diffuse amber glow, and the throaty lyrics of a gentle love song drift up the stairs from the living room and through the open door to the bedroom.
I find myself gently mouthing the familiar words, feeling so calm, and warm, and safe and ultimately... right... with Sam here in my contented arms. It's almost as if I've been searching for something all my life, that until now, I've been filling with second best. No insult intended to Sara, I loved her for a long time, and we made Charlie together, and I will always, always love her for that. What I feel for Sam though is different somehow, subtly different. She seems to understand me on a different level. I don't know if it's the fact that we're both military, or if it's something else, but I feel so at ease here, as if the world could be coming down around us, and I wouldn't care. Not one bit.
Of course... there is one small thing that stands in our way. I don't know if Sam feels the same. She moves against me then, her hair tickling my chin. After falling into each others arms in the aftermath of making love, we simply dozed, happy and sated. Well... she dozed, I just lay here, thinking about her, watching her, touching her, smelling her. Yes Jack! She is real! Maybe I'm just worried how long she will stay real. Maybe if I let go she'll disappear. Well, that's one thing I haven't done over the past hour, my arms remain firmly around her, holding her warm, sleepy body against mine as I recall our earlier activities. God. I've never gotten so out of control, so frantic and lost in another person, and with each second she asked for more... and more... and I gave all I have. I never knew it could feel like that, so desperate, so primal. I grimace as I shift slightly on the pillows, and absently wonder just how much skin I have left on my back. She stirs again, and slides her head from my shoulder, stretching a little with a yawn.
"Hey... "
"Hey yourself"
She says back, eyes a little bleary with sleep, and she smiles warmly up at me. Huh, one smile and my insides turn to mush. What a tough guy I am. My image would be shot to hell if this got out. She stretches again, and turns onto her back, drawing the covers up to her chin. I turn as well, and lean over her, one side of my mouth drawn upward. She smiles once more, and I gently follow the outline of her cheekbone with a hesitant finger. Her eyes are half lidded, but still I fall eagerly inside, feeling a dopey grin stretch over my face. She reaches up and taking my face in her hands, draws me down for a long, sweet, kiss. Sliding her hands down, she pulls me to her, and I lower myself over her.
This time... this time we take things slow, teasing out each moment, each single touch, and making it last. I caress her with rapt attention, sliding a hand down her stomach, and touch her, watching as she rises against me. My tongue soon joins my hand, and I tease and urge her, eliciting small gasps with each rhythmical swirl. She comes with a shudder, and I move back to her lips, holding her against me as she rides that tide. She touches me then, her soft yet firm hands making me moan. God... is there anything this woman isn't good at? Pulling back from her grasp, I slide my hands beneath her and curl them around her shoulders as I ease myself inside, and once more we dance that dance, moving as one until we come together, giving voice to our mutual pleasure, and falling, spent, happy, onto the soft bed.
I hold her tight, so very tight, and she has to squirm, and push at me gently in order to draw breath. I release her a little reluctantly, and she reassures me by letting her head fall against my chest, fingers trailing through the light feathering of hair there. I kiss the top of her head, and thank every deity I can think of for bringing her here tonight. Oops. I really shouldn't have had that thought. She certainly didn't come here tonight for this. If the look on her face was any indication, then it was probably in the realms of the exact opposite. She probably came to warn me off. To tell me to leave her alone. But I changed the odds didn't I? I forced her hand, using her body to distract her mind. That wasn't very nice. In fact, that was downright wrong.
"... I'm sorry... "
She lifts her head at my soft, whispered words, and looks me in the eye, confused.
"I'm sorry for... for... forcing this"
She sighs, and lowers herself to the pillow, removing the comforting touch of her skin, and looks away.
"You didn't force me... "
"Maybe not, but I didn't leave you much choice either. I know you didn't come here for this Sam... no matter how much I wish you did... so... why did you come?"
"I... I wanted to sort things out between us, make all this go away... "
To make it all go away. She wants to make me go away. I let my head fall back, and just stare at the roof. After that... after what we just did... I wait for anger to come, but it doesn't. I try to muster some, but all that comes is sadness, the stinging of tears at the edge of my eyes. Oh come on now Colonel... don't sob in front of her for crying out loud! I really don't want her pity right now! She moves again, and I look at her in surprise as she loops her arms around me, head by mine, and squeezes tight. I tell her that I also want to sort things out, but that I don't want this to go away. She squeezes me again... and softly asks me if I mean it. I slide out from under her and take her in my arms, squeezing her back.
"I mean it Sam... I... I think... I think maybe... maybe we could have something here"
She looks at me, and I wonder if she sinks as easily into my eyes as I do into hers.
"But Jack... our careers... the regs... "
"Screw the regs" I say, with a sudden venom. I wish I hadn't said that. Sam knows me, and over the years, she'd learned a lot about my past. I'm no straight laced officer, I'm bent and broken the rules a hundred times to do what I thought was right, to get my own way. And God I would gladly do it now, for a little happiness... to have her by my side. But her... she's very by the book, and her career is so important. She looks more uncertain now... her eyebrows drawn together.
"Look... I mean... if we really want this Sam... if you want to try... then isn't it worth it?" She is watching me very carefully... and I babble on. "I mean yeah, Hammond gave me a bit of a warning today... but I mean... "
Sam's face changed at the mention of the General's name and she interrupts me in my spiel. Something tells me I shouldn't have mentioned it.
"What?... what did he say?"
"Uh... uh... he kinda noticed that something wasn't right... and he told me to get things sorted out. He... he sorta warned me about... about doing anything between us I guess... but he... he was alright"
Her expression has gone from curious to terrified. I'm losing her... I'm losing her. I find I've clutched her shoulders in my hands, and not knowing what else to do I pull her into my arms for the hundredth time today. Placing my chin on her head I smooth my fingers through her hair. I'm getting so desperate I start making crazy promises.
"Look... I'll sort everything Sam, I promise... It'll be okay... if we're really careful we can do it... as long as we act normal on base... "
She's squirming, she's trying to get out of my arms, trying to get away. Please don't Sam... please don't leave me... please. She pulls her head out from under mine but I don't let her go. Strong and well trained though she is, she's no match for me, and after a short struggle I have her pinned against my side. She's breathing hard with her effort, and I press my face into her hair, hiding my sudden tears.
"Sam... shh... please... "
She's not listening to me... she pushes once more at my chest, and she's getting so anxious now that I fear in my desperation to keep her I may hurt her. The tears are flowing freely down my face, and I can think of only one thing to say... one last, desperate gambit that may make her pause. It's now or never, I have to make her believe me, but God this is not how I imagined telling her. I open my mouth and whisper hoarsely through my tears and when she hers me she stops. She stops dead.
"... Love you Sam... "
I loosen my grip and swipe at my face with a free hand to brush away the tears. I don't want her to see. She leans back away from me slowly, and I open my eyes to gauge her expression. She seems unsure. Many things pass across her face. Surprise, wonder, shock, doubt, fear. Everything. But where is the one I want to see? Where is the acceptance and the reciprocation? She looks down, and my heart leaps, but it's not pity or shame I see on her face... it's something else. When she looks up at me I hold my breath. I've said my piece Sam... it's your turn now. Her face is pale, and blank, and she reaches up a trembling hand to touch my face with her fingertips, removing a few tears that were clinging to my eyelashes.
"I... I love you too Jack"
I gather her up into my arms, and kiss her ever so tenderly. She responds to me, and I feel my heart is going to burst. It'll be okay... I promise...
**********************************************************
I'm dusting.
I'm actually dusting.
It's been a while... but let's just say things have changed. I wander slowly around my house with a duster and can of dustaway, absently cleaning objects that I had forgotten I had. I move past the full-length mirror in the bedroom and catch a glimpse of myself. Jogging pants, bare feet, ragged old T-shirt, hair that sticks out in a million different directions, and a fixed dopey grin that I've had since I... since we... woke this morning. I'm embarrassed to admit it, but after she left I went back to bed and spent a good half-hour cuddling her pillow, taking in the scent of her that she left. Any reputation I once cultivated... is now well and truly gone. Okay... I admit it... I'm a sappy fool.
After she told me she loved me last night, we slept. Content and exhausted in each others arms. When we woke, I was so very glad to see her still there, the gentle sunlight falling over her face, golden hair falling around her eyes, that I almost cried again. I really have to have some time to let my testosterone build back up to it's normal levels... This just won't do. And when she woke, she looked at me and smiled, with not a moments hesitation. We didn't talk much this morning, we were both still tired and overwhelmed from last nights activities, and I didn't press her. We held each other for a short time, and she kissed me. Then she said she had to go, her brother was going to be in town today for a few hours, and she really couldn't miss him. She seemed a little distracted, and when I asked if she was okay, she simply replied that she had a lot to think about. I agreed... this was not going to be easy. Worth it? Yes... easy?... no.
She dressed, and I walked her silently to the door, beginning to worry a little. When we got there, she turned, and looked up at me. I held her gently, and kissed her softly. She smiled a little, and I took the opportunity to ask her if she would come around tonight. She looked at me, and stroking my face as she had the other night, she said yes. I told her I would provide food and everything, and she laughed a little and told me not to overdo things. For you Sam? For you I would do anything. So that's why I'm here now. Dusting no less... an activity I don't think I've ever done. I'm the kinda guy who uses his sleeve to clean the TV screen. I've used the vacuum cleaner, changed my sheets, washed the kitchen floor and a million other little things, just to show her how much she means to me. And in the kitchen, a three-course meal is working its way to completion. I glance at my watch, and it's fairly late in the afternoon. I still have much to do, and it's funny how housework becomes enjoyable when you're doing it for the reasons I am. She likes pasta doesn't she?... I'm sure she does.
Nothing could spoil my mood today. Not even a phone call from Danny, which came at the stroke of twelve. Huh... he obviously thought that he should wait until he was sure I'd... and whoever was with me... would be up. He seemed a little surprised at my cheerful voice, and though I tried to sound normal, Sam had only been gone a few hours, and I was still trailing around my house happily in her wake, remembering her touch... and her words. He asked cautiously if I'd seen her... spoken to her... sorted anything out, and I told him that we'd spoken yesterday, and yes, everything was now more or less okay. He believed me, because I obviously sounded genuine, and I told him I'd see him when we were all back on base on Monday. Satisfied, he left me to my work.
Right, I'll shower next. Loathe though I am to remove her smell from my skin, I want to be clean. So... what to wear. I mean... totally casual or what? Huh. I haven't had to make these sort of decisions for this sort of reason for a long time. Yeah... casual. Don't wanna frighten her off. Jeans... jersey. Keep it simple. Music?... have to think about that later... Okay. There's plenty hot water... time to get clean. Though the kind of mood I'm in right now I'd probably be better with a cold shower... God I can't wait for tonight. How does that song go? The minutes seem like hours, the hours go so slowly, and still the sky is light. Yeah. Like that. And this hair. What the hell am I going to do with this hair? What did I do in a past life to get landed with such an unruly mop? Mind you, I've been told in the past that women find that attractive. I'll have to ask Sam what she thinks when she gets here around seven.
Chicken... she likes chicken doesn't she?
***************************************************************
I feel better.
I feel so much better.
Last night with Janet got us nowhere, we just succeeded in winding each other up, spinning worst case scenarios and fretting over the demise of SG-1. Not good. Alcohol is a depressant remember? Teal'c was rather nonplussed by the whole thing, and he was the sanest of us all when he finally stood, and announced that it would be better if we left their business to them. He was right of course, and Janet and I looked a little guiltily at each other. We can't help being concerned for them though can we?
And we so we said our farewells and went our separate ways. Only on the understanding that I would phone Jack the next day. Depending on what I got from him, I was to phone Sam as well. That was to be Janet's job, but she was to be on base tomorrow, and with three team's due back, she might just be needed for some emergency patch up work.
So, I phoned Jack, with great trepidation, but he answered the phone with such a cheery "Hullo!" that I wondered for a moment if I'd dialled the wrong number! But no, it was Jack, and I was so relieved when he told me he'd spoken to Sam, and things were definitely on the mend. I was going to ask for specifics, but he sounded so happy, that I believed him. Now I still don't know exactly what those 'things' were that were on the mend, but I took Teal'c's advice and stayed out of it. Not my business. Though I like to think that if there is anything... going on... between them, that they'd let me and Teal'c and Janet in on it. I mean, I understand that officially, this is a big no-no, but certainly none of us would tell, and God I'd be so glad! Years of watching the two of them sneak glances and elicit secret smiles I'd damn well near had enough! Excuse my language... Anyway... half my job done I reached for the phone again, and dialled Sam's number. She answered after a few rings, and her voice sounded normal.
"Hello?"
"Hi Sam, it's me, Daniel"
"Hi Daniel, what can I do for you?"
"Look, I'm sorry to keep sticking my nose in, but I called Jack, and he said you two are speaking again. He seemed really happy about it, and I just wanted to check everything's okay your end."
"Yeah Danny, it's fine. We sorted everything out. We are adults you know, we can resolve a simple argument"
"... right... so everything's okay?"
"YES Daniel, I promise. Look, thanks for being so concerned but I have to go, I have someplace to go tonight"
"Oh, yeah sure... Look, I'm glad you two are okay, you had us worried for a moment there. I'll see you on Monday?"
"Yeah, maybe before. We can all go out for a drink or something?"
"That'd be great. See you later Sam"
"Goodbye Danny"
"Bye"
Well. That seems okay. She sounded fairly normal, but nowhere near as happy as Jack did... maybe... no... stop it Daniel. I really should put this fertile imagination of mine to better use, like translating some of that Greek stuff we brought back the other day. Maybe I'll go to the base.
She said she had someplace to go tonight, and with Jack so happy, I wonder if?... nah. That can't be it. Mind out of the gutter Dr. Jackson! Let's try and get some work done!
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I'm sitting here quietly, lost in my thoughts, when the sound of the phone ringing brings me round... please let it not be Jack.
"Hello?"
"Hi Sam, it's me, Daniel"
"Hi Daniel, what can I do for you?"
Oh thank God. Thank God it's Daniel. I don't think I could bare to hear Jack's voice right now. Not now.
"Look, I'm sorry to keep sticking my nose in, but I called Jack, and he said you two are speaking again. He seemed really happy about it, and I just wanted to check everything's okay your end."
"Yeah Danny, it's fine. We sorted everything out. We are adults you know, we can resolve a simple argument"
Happy? He sounds happy? Oh God what have I done... what have I done? I'm sitting here on the phone to one of my best friends, lying through my teeth as tears course down my cheeks. Adult am I?
"... right... so everything's okay?"
"YES Daniel, I promise. Look, thanks for being so concerned but I have to go, I have someplace to go tonight"
No I don't. Well... I do... but I can't. I'm not going. I'm not. I won't do this.
"Oh, yeah sure... Look, I'm glad you two are okay, you had us worried for a moment there. I'll see you on Monday?"
"Yeah, maybe before. We can all go out for a drink or something?"
What am I saying? After I don't turn up tonight I don't think Jack'll really fancy the four of us going out together. He'll probably never want to see me again. And wait a minute, had 'us' worried? Oh right... Danny, Teal'c and Janet. For God's sake can't they leave us alone for one minute? How can I keep this from Janet, from all of them?
"That'd be great. See you later Sam"
"Goodbye Danny"
"Bye"
Them? What about Jack? How do I tell him? How do I tell him this is all a mistake? Yes, we made love, yes, he told me he loved me... Well... that was a surprise. Glad though I was to hear it, I so wish he hadn't said it. The Jack I saw last night was so very different from the normal sarcastic, irreverent, everything's a laugh guy I knew. The Jack I saw last night was so very easy to love... and I did. He opened up to me as I had dreamed he could, and I walked right in, and he wrapped himself around me. And now? Now I'm going to rip his damaged heart to pieces and crush it under my callous foot.
Why did I tell him I loved him?
I mean, I do... but why did I tell him? I don't want to be with him, I can't... I just can't. This has to end... it has to. I already tried this with Jonas remember? And God that went badly wrong. If anything, Jack is even more unstable, at least his heart is. It's been so wounded and scarred that I don't want the responsibility of looking after it. What if I failed? Could I live with myself for hurting him again? No. No I don't want to do that to him. Okay, so I'm doing it already, but better to stop it before it really starts rather than hurt him when he's gotten used to us. Plus... plus I don't want to get used to him. I could love him so very easily... I wish I hadn't seen what he's like inside... because now I do... I want it... I want it so badly... to live the rest of my life with him there beside me...
No. He's my commanding officer. And I'm his second in command. And we are not doing this. We can't risk destroying the team dynamic. Besides... he's too old for me... God I'm really trawling for excuses now aren't I? He's my commanding officer, and I'm his second in command. But his face... oh his face when I told him that I loved him too... he'd been crying... he'd actually been crying... sobbing with fear because he thought I was going to leave him... oh God and I am... I am and I'm sorry Jack. What do I do? I want him... I want him so badly... I can't bear the thought of not being held in his arms again...
He's my commanding officer and I'm his second in command.
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She's late.
She's late and she's not coming.
She should have been here over half an hour ago.
Maybe... maybe the traffic was bad... maybe, maybe she lost track of time... maybe she can't decide what to wear... maybe... maybe...
She's not coming.
I'm sitting here in my clean clothes in my clean house thinking about my clean sheets. I have inadvertently removed my house of every trace of her, and now she'll never come here again.
I love her... my world has changed and been tossed upside down over the last few weeks and all I can think is that I love her. She loves me... she told me she did. Did she lie? Did she lie? No... I don't think so... she had no reason to. Not unless she wanted to hurt me... and I know she wouldn't do that.
Then where is she?
She's not coming.
She's not coming.
She's here!
The doorbell sounds and I scramble to my feet, almost knocking the table over as I go. She's here... she came! I sprint to the door, ready to forgive her for any reason for her lateness, anything at all...
I fling open the door, panting with my exertions... and then I see her. She's standing way down my path, dressed in dark clothes, eyes tearful and head down, arms wrapped protectively around herself. Behind her I see her car, the driver door open, lights on and engine running... no...
No...
I go to move out the door but she steps backward and holds out a hand, palm outward, as if to ward me away. I freeze on the doorstep, unable to move, and the moment is frozen forever in my mind as she speaks, and everything seems to fall away from me, slipping through my fingers as she tells me what she doesn't want...
"I'm sorry Jack... "
And what she doesn't want is me...
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THE END
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