"I Used To Have An Angel" By DustDevil

TITLE: I Used to Have an Angel

AUTHOR: DustDevil

RATING: PG

CATEGORY: Drama, S&J UST/R?, Angst

WARNINGS: Maybe a little language.

DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are not my property. I'm just borrowing their likeness'.

ARCHIVE: S&J Archive and Heliopolis, Yes. Others...please ask.

SUMMARY: A stranger has been watching SG-1, and he wishes he could remember why...

FEEDBACK: Yes please! Feeeeeeeeeeedbaaaaaaaaack...drool...

SPOILERS: Uh...don't think so...but it's set season 3.

******************************************

Angel Eyes - Sting

Have you ever had the feeling
That the worlds gone and left you behind
Have you ever had the feeling
That you're that close to losing your mind

You look around each corner
Hoping that she's there
You try to play it cool perhaps
Pretending you don't care

But it doesn't do a bit of good
You've got to seek till you find, or you'll never unwind

Try to think, when loves not around
Still it's uncomfortably near
My old heart, ain't gaining no ground
Because my angel eyes ain't here

Angel eyes, that old devil scent
They glow unbearably bright

Need I say, that my loves misspent
Misspent with angel eyes tonight

So drink up, all you people
Order anything you see
Have fun, you happy people
The drink, and the laughs on me

Pardon me, but I got to run
The facts uncomfortably clear
Got to find who's now No. 1
And why my angel eyes ain't here

Tell me why my angel eyes ain't here

Ask me why my angel eyes ain't here

Excuse me while I disappear...

*******************************************

There they are again.

I see them a lot these days.

I see them everywhere.

There's no mistaking them, even from this distance. The four of them stand out to me, every movement and gesture sparks a sudden flare of recognition in my head, and I see them reflected across a million different worlds, and in a million different situations. I can see them reflected down through the years.

I don't see faces, I don't hear voices, and I don't know names. But I know them and I see them. I've been watching them I think...for a while. For quite some time. Watching them as they walk out there, among the stars. The four of them together, making one. Whole...four parts of a whole. Each brings something different to the whole, enriches it and heals it.

The Scholar. His movements are jerky, unpredictable. Just like he is. He walks and stops, stooping to sweep a questing hand through the undergrowth. Repeated again and again. An eternal search for the new, and old, every object and word serving to make him come alive. They are the only things that light his face now, give him meaning, draw him ever on into the unknown. He used to have a different purpose, a different goal and driving force. I know. I used to watch. I saw as he followed desperately and hopefully in her painful wake, only to be denied in the end. To lose her. He lost her and she lost herself. And they almost lost him too. But he stayed. He stayed with them. He lost her, his angel, and they moved closer around him, filling that gap she left, and he went on...

His Angel...

The Warrior. His pace is steady, his measures long and definite. He walks the walk of the proud, the just, the walk of one who serves. Who serves that which is right. That is what holds him together, that's what makes him what he is. Soldier, philosopher, rock. He is their rock. He binds them with his quiet confidence, that assurance of justice and truth in his stance. He represents the best of the worst, the honey from the lion. The triumph over adversity. And he stands firm. He has an Angel, but he left her. Fate and love, rarely happy bedfellows. But he fights for her still, fights for her in his heart. His angel.

His Angel...

The Thinker. That, I decided, is what I shall call her. Scientist is not a good enough term. Scientist is too a narrow term for her mind, and soul. I call her thinker. Her form is torn as she walks. A body at war, pulled in different directions by coexisting contradictions. Her warrior side makes her wary, tensing her body, caution lacing her limbs. But then there is the thinker, the curious searching mind, and that lives in her eyes. They consume the world around her, transforming light, into questions, formula, answers. She lends them compassion, and strength. She binds their hearts, and makes them as one.

She is an Angel...

She is his Angel...

The Leader. He is warrior, he is follower, but he is also leader. The leader. His movements flow with a cocky smooth motion, each movement appearing casual, unthinking, but secretly measured and placed with an infinite care. He is wise. He is strong. He is the arrowhead. He is leaping from the bow and they follow him. They follow and need him, and he, in turn, needs them. As he needs her.

His Angel...

His secret Angel.

His angel.

I...I remember an angel...I used to have an Angel...

And me? I...I call myself narrator for want of something better. For want of the truth.

*******************************************

I've never felt so tired. I've never felt so tired deep inside. My very bones feel weak My muscles heavy and sluggish. The gate snaps shut behind me but I don't move. I don't do anything. What I would really love to do is sink down on the ramp and sleep for a long, long time. But I can't do that. Not yet anyway. A figure appears by my side and lays a hand on my shoulder. I drag my head from my chest and look at him, and he smiles assurances at me, and gives my arm a comforting pat.

"Welcome home son. I know you're tired, we'll just get you checked out then you can go sleep. Briefing at 0800 tomorrow morning"

I manage to school my neck muscles into a fair representation of a nod, and he moves on. Teal'c comes to my side then, and takes my arm, tugging gently on it. Why must people always move me around? Why am I always taken gently by the arm? Because if they didn't, you'd always be standing in the middle of impending danger or courting death or would just never move, that's why. That's what these guys are for, to keep me out of trouble. Teal'c tugs on my arm again and this time I let him pull me slightly off balance, and am mildly surprised when my left foot moves forward to fill the void, and I am walking. Well...of sorts. I am so tired.

We trudge around the corridor for seemingly ever, and then thankfully we arrive in the infirmary. A nurse gestures to Teal'c and he helps me onto a bed. The nurse removes my sodden jacket and boots, and wraps a warm blanket around my shoulders. Did I forget to mention that I'm wet? Well I am. I'm soaking. I'm not cold though, it was warm rain, tropical rain. And my fatigue is more pressing. Teal'c moves to a bed of his own, and I am drawn away from my own selfish pondering to the frantic movements at the other side of the room, and with a wave I call a nurse over.

"Yes Doctor Jackson?"

"Is...will Sam be okay?"

"Major Carter will be fine. She's lost a lot of blood, but once we get her settled she'll recover fairly quickly. The arm is a clean break. You got her back in time"

She smiles reassuringly and leaves. Good. Sam's okay. She's okay and that's all that matters. Another nurse comes over and checks my pulse and blood pressure, then tells me to relax for a little while. I don't want to relax, I want unconsciousness. That would be nice. I settle back a little on the pillows, but suddenly find myself unable to close my eyes. A slight raising of voices and sharp words makes me raise my head, and in the corner by Sam's bed I hear Jack's loud petulant voice, refusing to leave. Of course. I wondered where Jack was, and I needn't have. He's by her side. The nurses abandon trying to remove him at the sound of some croaky words from Sam. Through the milling crowd of bodies I catch a glimpse of her left arm, the fingers clutching Jack's. She'll be okay, she'll be okay.

I hope Hammond gives us some serious downtime after this. I need a break. Nothing worse than eight solid hours of trekking through a primeval rain forest with a seriously wounded team-mate. Not fun. But we got here, we're back, and Sam's safe. I don't know how Jack can stand, he carried her most of the way. He only let Teal'c and I take turns when he got so weak he almost dropped her. His eyes were on hers for every torturous step. The concern for a team-mate etched deep in his face today. Concern...

"Daniel? Why don't you get a little sleep? We'll keep you here for a few hours just to make sure, but there's no reason why you can't get some rest"

Janet smiles at me and nods, and I can't even muster the strength to make any kind of acknowledgement or reply. I simply close my eyes and give in to sleep.

*******************************************

I saw when the Thinker was hurt. I saw it. For I always see them. I see them everywhere, every time I turn around. I saw when they came through the gate, I saw when they trekked for hours through the heavy, sodden forest. And I saw when she fell...when she fell that long, long way. And I saw when they went after her. They went after her straight away, without a single thought for their own safety. They practically threw themselves down that steep, slick incline to her side. None of them knew how it happened. Whether she lost her balance, or the ground shifted, or she tripped on a vine, or someone accidentally nudged her. It doesn't matter, it never matters. She was hurt. That was all that mattered. And who got to her first? Who was the first to throw caution to the wind and risk his own neck for hers? He was. The leader. He would risk anything for his angel...if anything was clear and glaringly obvious at that moment it was that one, simple, fact. He would do anything for her. He was at her side and carefully feeling her over before the others were even halfway down. He checked her as best he could, then placed his warm fingers on her cool bruised cheek, and no doubt softly called her name.

"Sam?...c'mon Sam...talk to me..."

"I will if you'll stop poking me..."

I imagine he smiled at this point. I imagine they all did when she responded. I didn't hear the words, but I saw her move, and I imagine he smiled. I wasn't close enough to see. I see everything, everything from a distance, a long, terrible, blurred distance. Almost as if I were in a well, looking up at the alien, out of focus patch of sky above. I see everything like that. I don't know why. Faces are blurred, and no matter how hard I try, I cannot see them. It's just the way things are for me. The way things are. I watch, I narrate.

And so, she was injured, she was hurt, and they were far, far from the doorway with no help. And the Leader picked her up, and carried her. He carried her most of the long way, almost as if he wished her burden to be his alone, as if he were taking sole responsibility for her pain, and her salvation. It must have made sense to him, in his mind, though his body rebelled. Eventually the others had to help, to make him share his burden and care of her, and they made it. They made it together and they saved her. This happens a lot. I've seen it many times. One of them is taken, or hurt, or suffering. And the others save them. They don't like to be three, or two, or one, definitely not one. They have to be four. They have to be whole.

And then the picture fades from view.

And for a while I don't know whether or not the Thinker was okay. It goes like that. I see snippets, I see glimpses, and then they are gone again. Then they are gone. And I must wait. I must wait, alone, and quiet, until I can see them again.

And then, out of the darkness and the waiting and the nothingness, they appear...

***************************************

I do not like this planet.

I do not know why, but I do not like it.

I have told O'Neill, and he agreed with me quietly. I do not think he wants to make the others worry, so I will do the worrying for them. There are many things here for them to look at, and both Major Carter and Daniel Jackson are excited and fascinated by what they see. O'Neill said they are like kids in a toy shop. And they do appear almost childlike, with that wonder and awe in their eyes at every new thing they uncover and catalogue. I watch Daniel Jackson in confusion, as his eyes grow wide and bright at the latest prize fished from a tarry section of smelly swamp. I watch him and O'Neill watches the Major, as she gives her portable generator a whump. It starts with a rattle and a squeal, and she grins, the bright smile reaching her eyes. O'Neill's smile widens with hers. I have spent many hours watching him watching her. I don't think he is aware of how much he does it, or how her smiles and words and gestures elicit such deep reactions in him. Such reactions I know he would curb if he were aware they slipped past his tight, controlled features. So I will not mention it. If I were to, I know those private smiles of his own would stop, and my heart would be the lesser for missing them.

Finally we stop for the night, and set up camp. I welcome the heat, and rest, and I even welcome the rations. We played that game tonight, and still I cannot tell which flavour of rations I am eating by taste alone. I guessed chicken, it was apparently, spaghetti. No-one guessed correctly. That made it rations 16, us nil. We keep a score sheet. It is my job to mark up the sheet every night. O'Neill intends to amass enough evidence, then present the findings to the General, and ask for better food. Dinner over, Major Carter brews coffee, a Tauri beverage I myself have become quite fond of. The Colonel wanders off to relieve himself, and when he returns he is disappointed to find Daniel has appropriated most of the stimulant. Daniel looks away guiltily, shielding the steaming cup under his chin with both hands. O'Neill walks to the Major, and drops to a sitting position by her side with a sigh. She looks up questioningly from the pot and meets his eyes.

"Carter? Please tell me you saved me some coffee..."

She smiles broadly, and produces a full, piping hot tin cup of coffee from behind her back, which she passes to him with a flourish. He takes it in both hands to warm his fingers, takes a deep sniff of the enticing smell, and turns back to her with a typical O'Neill grin.

"Sam, you're an angel"

And she smiles.

*****************************************

He called her an angel that time. I remember that. It was the first time I heard a voice, and I heard his voice. It sounded strange and echoing in my ears, and, oddly, it didn't sound how I expected it to. The timbre and inflection was somehow skewed, though I knew it must be right. And he called her an angel. I've seen that scene several times over the last...last...whatever, and I know, somehow I know that that was the first time he ever called her that. The first, but not the last.

Up till then I had been seeing them, watching them as they walked out there, in the unknown, with no thoughts for myself, or of myself. None at all. And then I heard him, I heard him speak and he called her Angel...and I remembered...I had an Angel.

I had an angel...

It was the first thought I had. The first, real thought. My angel. The word tore through my head like a cleansing fire, and the pain made me reel and writhe. I was screaming, I was screaming and crying and scraping at the earthen floor with my bare fingers, trying to fight against that great black cloud in my head. But I couldn't remember her, and I still can't. All I remember is that she was my angel...And still is.

I heard his voice, and I saw, or rather felt, her answering smile. Then the scene faded away. I saw others since then, and see more and new ones every day, but sometimes, sometimes that scene resurfaces in my head, and I replay it as best I can. His words, her smile. His angel...My angel...But at least he is with his. I...I can't even remember my angel, only that she exists. Or did.

Anyway...that was the first time he called her that, but then, then he never meant it.

That came later.

****************************************

Yawn, yawn, yawn, yawn, yawn.

Boring.

Waste of time.

Sorry...waste of my time. Not a waste of theirs. They love it. The artefacts, the ecosystem, the weird buildings, the goop, the things that make the scanners go 'Eeeee'...They love it. Couple of kids. Or maybe it's me that's the kid. The two of them are sitting there trying to further mankind in their own specialist way, and I'm sitting here with my hand jammed into my coffee cup. Don't ask me why I did it...I just had to...I get these...questions...that just pop into my brain, and I have to find out the answers. Not questions like those two probably get popping into their heads, not questions about 'how does that work' and 'what does this translate as?' No...my questions are simpler...more basic and physical...and yes, probably stupid and a waste of time. I admit it. The voices said 'can you fit your hand in that mug' and I had to know. I just had to.

"Uh...Teal'c?"

He looks up from his coffee, and assesses the situation in a second flat. He looks furtively across at the others, then leans towards me, takes a hold of the mug in one hand, and my wrist in the other, and pulls. My hand flies free with a barely audible pop.

"Thanks Teal'c" I whisper. And he nods. I think he's used to this by now. I just can't keep my fingers out of things. Why do you think I've taken to sticking my hands in my pockets every time I'm near sensitive equipment? I never go into Carter's lab with out my naughty fingers tucked safely away. And she always checks.

"Sir? Could you give me a hand with this?"

Sigh. I go when I'm called. Maybe I can take some small part in making back home a better, smarter, safer place...

"Can you hold this transmitter up as high as you can Sir?"

Or maybe not...

So that's all I'm good for is it? Holding a transmitter? Still, I haul myself to my feet and take the proffered thingy with a gallant bow and smile. At least I get a full fledged ear to ear wide blue eyed Carter smile in return. That's payment enough. If she hadn't asked me I would have offered anyway. She had a bad day yesterday, and anything I can do to make it better, I will. However indirect and subtle. I climb a close by rocky outcrop and stretch up, extending my arm above my head.

"How's that?"

"Perfect Sir...just hold it steady for a few minutes while I take a few readings"

Uh-oh. A few minutes? Yeah I've seen her 'a few minutes before' and they can take hours. Oh well. I have nothing better to do. I stand out in the cold and hold my...thingy up, while she twirls knobs and takes notes. She's focusing hard on her work, but her eyes betray her with anger and frustration. She has other things on her mind, and I don't blame her.

I think we nearly lost her yesterday.

I have to bite my lip and turn away when I think about it. We nearly lost her. Less than 24 hours ago we weren't sure if she was alive or dead, and here she is, fiddling with a doohickey. She just keeps on bouncing back. Time and time again. Thank God. Don't you ever stop Major.

We were on our way out here to this hill, when we were attacked by some sort of wild creature. We fired warning shots, but it, sorry, they, just kept coming. We were in the middle of a wood, and we couldn't even see them. I shouted for everyone to run to the open ground in front of us, and we did. We all sprinted out there and turned, weapons at the ready, only to find no beasts...and no Carter. I felt a surprisingly tight fear rise from my belly and constrict my throat. Weapons drawn and flares lit I plunged back into the foliage yelling her name, only to find nothing but her cap.

It took us almost half and hour to track them, and when we arrived at some sort of den, I really feared the worst. I imagined finding her mauled body with things feasting on it, and I was so angry I was ready to take on the world. I ran headlong into the cave without a pause, not even hearing the cries of the others. I just ran in, and my heart was thumping in my ears so loudly, I almost didn't hear her voice from the dark on my left. I spun on my heel to find her standing against the wall with her pistol in hand, and three dead wolf-like creatures at her feet. We both just stood there and panted for a moment, then the reality of the situation sunk in, and we both ran towards each other. She slowed when she got to me, but I didn't. I reached out and took her in my arms and squeezed. I just held her and squeezed, and she squeezed back. The others found us like that, and Danny and Teal'c added their arms to our shoulders, and we just rejoiced to be safe and together.

I wanted to go back. I was all for taking ourselves back through the stargate, but she refused. She assured me she was fine and fit to carry on, and besides, we'd walked all this way to take these readings, and it would be a waste to turn back now. She stood in front of me with her hands on her hips and her jaw clenched and I just couldn't say no. Not with that fire in her eyes. She didn't want to talk about it and she just wanted to work. And so we did. We set up the preliminary equipment and our camp, and then settled down to rest. It wasn't till I finally sat down that I realised I was still shaking. Why the hell was I shaking? I had to wedge my hands under my arms so no-one would see. Sam was already tucked up in her sleeping bag, but I couldn't stop my eyes from flicking to her every few minutes. I knew she was tough and strong and I knew she could take care of herself. It wasn't her I was fearing for. It was me.

I was scared...scared to lose her.

How selfish can you get? She's the one that gets dragged of by huge wolf things for their next meal, and I'm just thinking of me. Typical me. Typical self-centred me. It...it wouldn't be the same without her, that's all, I'd...I'd miss her. Who else would laugh at my jokes? I'd miss her...that's all. I'd miss her because there is no-one in this galaxy like her. I looked up then at a snuffle from the other side of the fire, and I got up and moved to her, crouching by her side.

"Hey..."

"It's okay Sir...I'm okay..."

"It's probably delayed shock Carter, c'mere"

I took her in my arms for the second time that day, and this time she let herself go, and melted against me. She didn't cry, and I never heard a second snuffle. She just held me tight for a long moment and then let me go. She sat back up and looked at me, and we were rudely interrupted by the growling of my stomach. She laughed, I laughed.

"There were some left over beef sandwiches Sir, would you like one?"

"Sam, you are an angel"

And she smiles.

And I think, maybe she is. She's my angel.

*****************************************

I'm crying.

The salty tears are falling down my face and onto my lips, and it's a pleasure to experience them. It's good to know I have feelings, of a sort. I reach up a grubby hand to swipe them away, but most of them have found their way to my unkempt beard, and escape. Sometimes I can feel their thoughts, some of their thoughts, or it certainly seems that way. I felt that slow subtle change in his mind. A small tweak. It went by mostly unnoticed by him I think. Unnoticed for a while. Or maybe he chose not to. I get the impression that he can be a very stubborn man, the Leader.

They almost became three that day. They almost became three. But they found her again. They found her and they were whole. I hated that time, that time when they weren't sure. That horrible long stretch of time when their hearts were in their mouths and their stomachs churning. And since then they have experienced something similar over and over. And before then as well. What they do is dangerous, so very dangerous, that sometimes I feel like shouting out to them, trying to make myself heard, but somehow I know they wouldn't hear. It's almost torture for me, watching. Sometimes I feel I know what's coming, sometimes I can see the danger ahead, but there is nothing I can do. So I do all I can, all I'm permitted to do. I watch. And it hurts.

I don't know why I'm here and I don't know why I do this.

But I don't have any choice.

Maybe it's a form of penance for some crime I cannot remember.

I...I wish I could remember something, anything, my angel...

My angel...

I start to cry again, only this time I don't know whether I'm crying for her, or me.

*****************************************

"Easy sir, just take it easy"

He shifts uncomfortably on the bracken, and I reach out to hold him still as best I can. The smell of ozone is a tang in the air, and the unmistakable sounds of staff weapons mixed with gunfire fill the valley to our left. We're safe here, for the moment.

He shifts once more, and I tut and push him down. He just struggles again. The bandages beneath my trembling fingers are darkening rapidly, and I really need to change them before I effect any kind of more permanent measure now we're away from the battle. He moves again and tries to crane his neck over the ridge down towards the action.

"Colonel...please...everything is under control."

He frowns at me, but finally settles back. Things didn't go very well on this mission. We knew there was something up with this place when the pictures from the MALP were cut off, but we volunteered to come anyway. So we came through, and we found a crashed system lords transport ship, and several scores of Jaffa. They were without leaders, and we tried to reason with them, but they were alone and afraid, and decided we were the enemy. Which, I suppose, we were. We made it back to the gate but we only had time to push Daniel through before they came over the hill. We were trapped against a rocky outcrop when the gate opened again, and five teams including Makepeace's marines and Daniel came back through, and started to push them back. The Jaffa were already shocked and off-balance from their recent crash, and the tide turned. Now there were only a few pockets of them left that had circled and returned to the gate, and though it would take a little time, the others would eventually get them all and get us back home. So we had a little time for a breather. I took this opportunity to drag the Colonel into a small sheltered clearing, and demand that I be allowed to treat his leg. He'd caught a stray ricochet to his left thigh, and though the bullet went straight through cleanly, he was loosing a lot of blood and still insisting he continue to fight. I had other ideas. He resisted, but eventually I had Makepeace help remove him from the front line.

So now he's here, and complaining. He keeps trying to see the battle since he can't take part, and I keep trying to keep him still and reduce the blood loss. I wish he would let me do my job!

"Sir!...please...I really need to change this bandage, and I really need you to lie still. It might hurt a little..."

He stops struggling and looks at me. Some co-operation at last. I remove my hand and peel the old bandage away as quickly as possible. I grab a fresh handful of gauze and material and place it against the bullet hole, then I press down as hard as I can to stop the flow. I flick my eyes up to him and as I apply the pressure, he bites his lip, sucks in a harsh breath and looks the other way. I add a few more layers and he looks back at me, frowning with the pain. He speaks to me for the first time since I hauled his MP5 from his hands, and looks darkly at me, but takes any sting out of his words with a brief smile.

"Ugh...to think I called you an angel"

And I smile.

I lean forward to wrap some more bandages around his raised leg, and I feel him sigh, and actually start to relax. In fact, he relaxes a little too much, his body going limp a little too quick, his eyes starting to close. He could have lost a lot of blood, and he did hit his head when he went down, so I shake him a little, and try to get him to talk. Just to keep him aware and keep his spirits up.

"So, if I'm an angel sir, what does that make you?"

I smile up at him on my last word, and am relieved to see him smile warmly back.

"Oh I'm a little devil Carter"

His infectious grin sparks one of my own so I continue the topic as I wind more bandages around his torn fatigues.

"Is that right sir?"

"Yeah...I'm a naughty boy"

I can't help but laugh. He always makes me laugh.

"Yes you are sir, always getting into trouble"

"Ah, you wouldn't have me any other way"

He grins and waggles his eyebrows in that fetching way of his, and we both laugh. No, no I wouldn't have him any other way. Things wouldn't be the same without my sarcastic, strong, funny Colonel. Huh...my Colonel. Yeah right. He starts to squirm under my hands again, he's already getting restless. I sigh and look at him, but his thoughts are already lost in the battle.

Little devil indeed...

****************************************

Those two.

What are they like?

I nudge Teal'c's arm and tilt my head in their direction, and he looks from me to them and back again, confused. I don't think he sees it.

"You're an angel"

She passes him her left over stew and he takes the plate, thanks her in the usual way, and greedily starts to shuffle the thick, gelatinous, brown liquid into his mouth. It's not air force rations, it's something SG-2 cooked up for us, since General Hammond decided to let us try other options for a while due to the unprecedented number of complaints. It looks awful, but it's actually quite good. Well Jack obviously thinks so.

Angel...Ever since that first time he called her an angel for saving him coffee, it's become something of a standing joke between them. Well, not a joke exactly, more of an affectionate nickname I guess, and it can be used in any circumstance, with any meaning. He uses it to tease her, he uses it to thank her, and sometimes, sometimes he says it straight from the heart and means it. I think she has become an angel to him, his angel. I'm his friend, and I like to think I've been a part of bringing him back from the brink, help make him live again, but when Sam arrived, things seemed to move even quicker. I dunno what it is in particular. The fact that she enjoys his caustic company, the fact that she's always there for him, the fact that they work together so well that they can almost read each others minds, and she laughs at his jokes.

They just like each other. Oh he gets annoyed by her technobabble, and sometimes he pisses us all off with the endless rotten jokes at the worst of times, but they are friends. And she is his angel.

****************************************

How long have I been here? How long have I been here, wherever here is?

That thought never occurred to me until now.

And that makes me very angry...and scared.

Is this a life? What kind of life is this?

Am I...am I supposed to learn something by seeing all this, watching all this? Each time I see them some time has passed for them, and I wonder if the same has passed for me. I don't know. I don't know about time, I just sit here, and watch.

How long have I been here?

How long, and why? Why am I here...why...am...I should be...

I...what was I thinking about?

Angel. Keep thinking about my angel. It always clears my mind. Unfortunately, it clears it too well, and I am left with nothing but the thought of her. No...not even a thought, only a name, no, not even that...a title. Angel. It's all I have, and it defines me. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I had never remembered her, if the leader had never said that very word to the thinker. Is that why I see them? Somehow, somehow I watch them across the universe and from their actions and occasional words, I find a little piece of myself. But I've waited and I've waited, and all I've found is one piece. The part of me that belongs to someone else. Maybe that's all I get. Maybe I've got to spend the rest of my days reaching out for her, reaching out into the black emptiness calling for her. But when I reach out there's no-one there, and when I call no-one answers me. All I get are the echo's of the messages I send.

I want to go back there. I want to go back to what I was, and be with her. But something won't let me, and I think that something is me.

***************************************

I kissed Carter today.

Don't...don't ask me why...I don't know why. I just did it. Heat of the moment glad to be alive type stuff. That's what it was.

That's what it was....

****************************************

Oh God...Oh God I got out...I got out...Jesus I'm on fire....

Shit...roll on the ground you idiot, roll on the...that's it...it's out. Oh God...oh God I think my heart's going to explode...I can't...I can't get enough air...I can't. Breath...try and breathe. Oh God we just leapt out of a burning building. Were blown out...blown out...We...Carter!

"Carter!...Carter!"

"...Sir!"

Oh thank God she's here.

"You okay?"

"Yeah...you?"

"Fine...fine...heh...we made it..."

I try and grin, but my body is still racked with trembles and shudders, and coughs from my smoke filled lungs. I imagine I look like she does. Parts of her fatigues are in tatters, and portions of them are frayed and burned at the edges. She's panting heavily and her face and hair are streaked with black. We just stand and look at each other for a second, when further explosions wrack the large stone palace. We're still too close. Our eyes meet again, and as if reading each other's minds, we start to run. We run for a good five minutes and finally we make it to the top of the wooded hill and see the stargate. Danny and Teal'c are waiting there, staring at the smoke rising through the air, and no doubt praying we made it out. Carter still has her radio, and she thumbs the control and an incredulous Danny answers.

"Danny it's us, dial out, we're only a few minutes away..."

"Sam?...oh thank God...dialling out now..."

I stoop over with my hands on my knees for a breather, but when I look at Sam she still has the radio in front of her mouth, and her eyes have gone wide and staring. I feel the same. We've just jumped out of a burning building, and somehow we've escaped with nothing worse than a few burns and bruises. Wait till Makepeace hears this story. I walk up to her and prise the radio from her stiff fingers, and putting it away I take her into my arms, and we tremble together.

"Oh Colonel..."

"We're okay...we're okay"

She's still unresponsive in my arms, but I can feel her heart thumping against mine. I don't think I've ever felt so alive, so vital. Why does almost dying make you feel this way? No wonder people get addicted to this stuff. I'm alive, and Carter's alive. For one, horrible moment when I jumped, I didn't think she'd followed me, but she did. She did and she's here and she's okay. She's okay. I pull back then and look at her, and she gives me a single beautiful hesitant smile that somehow seems absurd against the background of her sooty face. I reach out and brush my thumb under one black eyelid, revealing a patch of pale skin, and then I kiss her.

Not a friendly kiss on the cheek, and not a passionate hungry one that means something else. Something in between. I lean against her trembling body, steadying my own by gently wrapping my arms around her, and press my lips against hers in a soft, lingering mingling of breath, and pleasure in being alive. She presses back, and we remain that way for a few seconds with our eyes tightly shut. Then we part. God it's good to be alive. And it's good to spend my life with Carter, my friend. We both let go and smile, and it's not an awkward moment, far from it. We're both alive and real, and I think we just needed to prove it. She pushes her dirty hair back behind her ears, and brushes some soot from her legs and looks back at me, awaiting my orders.

"Let's go home angel"

And she smiles.

****************************************

I kissed Carter today.

Don't...don't ask me why...I don't know why. I just did it. Heat of the moment glad to be alive type stuff. That's what it was.

That's what it was....

Wasn't it?

****************************************

Things are changing.

Things are changing for them I think. As I knew they would.

He kissed her. He kissed her. Oh I know he thinks it was for all these various reasons, but would he have kissed the Warrior if he'd been there instead? I don't think so. He kissed her. He kissed his angel. The moment was so sweet and so precious, that tears of...tears of joy started to course down my face. I felt joy...

And I wept...

And then there was a sudden flap of memory across the blankness of my mind, and my breath caught in my throat.

I think...I think I almost remembered something...The scene faded away and I was crying, remembering their delicate kiss, and something happened inside my head. And something... something flitted across my mind.

For a second...for one second I could feel the brush of soft, soft lips against mine, and the gentle stir of warm breath on my skin...and then it was gone. It was gone like it had never been there, and I never felt it again.

And I wept...

But the joy was gone.

**************************************

Another reconnaissance mission.

This planet is like most of the planets we have come across. The gate was situated in a small clearing surrounded by a circle of rocks, but many of the rocks were broken or missing, and the gate and DHD were overgrown with unkempt grasses and weeds. It seems the denizens of this planet, if there are any, have not used the gate in some time.

But there was a problem. A rather large problem.

"Uh Sam? Where's the MALP?"

"I cannot see it either Major Carter...it appears to have gone"

We paused where we were, and O'Neill, Carter and I brought our weapons to the ready. Something was wrong. We walked carefully down the stone steps and spread out to watch the sparse deciduous wood that spread out in front of us. Something was definitely wrong but I could not identify it. It was Major Carter who realised what was missing.

"Colonel?...Sir, I don't think this is the right planet"

We all whirled to look at her when she said that, and O'Neill let his gun barrel drop and pulled his cap from his head with a frown.

"Whaddaya mean not the right planet?"

"I mean, the MALP isn't missing sir, we are. This is not the planet we sent the MALP to"

We all exchange puzzled, then panicked looks. Daniel scratches his head and looks around.

"Are you sure Sam? I mean, a lot of these wooded worlds look alike"

"I'm sure Daniel, the pictures from the MALP showed a much more dense wood, and the stones were much larger. And there was definitely not a blue stone like that"

We all look where's she's pointing, and there is indeed a large blue stone in the circle, resting directly opposite the gate. This would have definitely shown up on the MALP's video footage. We look at each other again, and I have to agree with the Major's conclusion.

"I agree Major Carter, there was no blue stone on the world we sent the MALP to"

"Then how the hell did we end up here? Nothing weird happened when we went through did it?"

"I don't think so sir, there must be some other reason, I better check the DHD"

Major Carter moves to sweep the grass away from the DHD and check it, and we follow her.

"Carter?"

"The DHD appears to be fine sir"

"Right, let's get back to the SGC and find out what happened"

O'Neill starts to move towards the steps, but both the Major and Daniel Jackson stand and look at each other. I can tell what's coming, I have seen it so many times before. There will be an argument.

"Uh Jack, is that really necessary?"

"Don't even start Danny, look, we don't know where we are, and we don't know how we got here. All we do know is that we're not where we're meant to be, meaning something went wrong with the gate, or the wormhole or whatever, and I don't like that one bit. We ought to go home now and find out what went wrong"

"But Jack, if we go back now and find out it was some freak accident, we may never get to this planet again! There could be all kind of things here that we could miss!"

"Danny..."

"Sam, is there any reason why we couldn't get back later just as easily as now?"

Daniel looks at her and pleads with his eyes, but it is evident that she feels the same way as him.

"No, there isn't. Sir, Daniel's right, the DHD is normal, and if we go back now we may never be able to recreate the situations that got us here in the first place. It could take years to work out the sequence for this planet, or it may never have been on the map in Abydos at all. We should at least take a few hours to look around"

O'Neill looks at the ground, and swipes at the thigh length grass with his cap. The others look at him hopefully. Then he looks up at me.

"Teal'c do you think we should have a look around?"

"If our way home seems secure, then I can see no reason why we should not evaluate this planet"

He purses his lips and has another think, then he jams his cap back on and walks down the steps past the others, throwing his arms out in a shrug.

"Okay, let's go have a look"

The others share a smile, and follow him out into the woods.

As do I.

****************************************

This place is different. Somehow I know this.

Up till now I have watched them, and shared theirs lives with them, but I know somehow that this adventure will be different for them. Something is telling me this...something...

They should go home...they should go home right now.

*****************************************

Jack keeps staring at my back, and I know he's just waiting for something to go wrong so he can blame this all on me. I know he wanted to go home, but it can't hurt to have a look can it? I can feel those eyes boring into me, so I stop and turn to look at him.

"What?"

"Nothing Danny, nothing"

He moves off then into the trees, and looks a bit sheepish when I catch him having a baleful glance back at me. He's grumpy just because we didn't go home. I take a deeper breath when I watch Sam follow him off into the trees, that'll cheer him up. She always cheers him up. In fact, I've been so fascinated by their interactions recently, that I think I'll go have a sneaky peak. I know it's wrong, but I don't care. I wander around the clearing for a little while under Teal'c's scrutiny so it doesn't look like I'm following them. Then I slip away into the trees and find the two of them. And I'm dreadfully disappointed. Jack is dozing against a tree, and Sam is struggling to heft her equipment onto a flat rock some distance away. Maybe I'm imagining things. Maybe my imagination is a little too fertile for my own good. Probably. I dunno, it just seems that recently the two of them have been closer than ever. Yeah so maybe they've shared some extra scrapes, but I think it's something else. Maybe it's just because the four of us have been spending more and more downtime together, but no, that doesn't really fit either. Because every time we do go out, they always either sit next to or opposite each other, and by the time the night has got going, they spend the rest of it talking and laughing, and only remember the two of us when its our round.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining, this isn't about me, it's about them. I just wish I knew what they were thinking when they spend hours just looking into each other's eyes. Okay, enough Jackson, its not my business. I should stop playing the nosey matchmaker and just be glad that our team, and my friends get on so well. Besides, I'm pretty sure that Jack still harbours some feelings for Sara, love or not, and I doubt Sam would ever risk her career for an older, wounded man like Jack.

With that, I get up and wander back to Teal'c.

I'm seeing things that aren't even there.

Aren't I?

****************************************

Why did I bring so much stuff?

Okay, so the atmosphere of the planet we were supposed to be exploring looked interesting from the MALP readings, but this is the wrong planet. And I have mostly the wrong equipment. Sigh.

Nope, don't need this...or this...or this...This, I do need, but for some reason I brought the full size unit, and not the handy portable one, and this weighs a ton. It needs to be flat, so if I could just get it up on that flat rock there. Humph!...God no. There is no way I can lift that myself. I' m gonna need help. Teal'c could heft this by himself, but I think I'm stuck with the Colonel today. Hmm, I say stuck because he's been in a mood ever since we came through he gate. Oh well, he's my only choice. I crane my neck around, and I can see his legs sticking out from some trees. Having a quick nap no doubt. Its his usual way of saying 'I'm annoyed and not speaking to anyone' Typical male. Right, if I can just balance this unit for a minute.

"Colonel? Colonel can you give me a hand for a second?"

Hmm...no reply, and this unit isn't as steady as I thought.

"Colonel, sir? Could you help me please?"

I'm going to drop this on my foot if he doesn't get off his damn, grumpy...

"Colonel!...Please!"

Oh Shit its slipping! I'm going to break my foot and its all his fault. He's probably deliberately ignoring me, just because I wanted to get some samples. He thinks I don't see him roll his eyes or snort when I suggest I need to collect data on this, or that, but I do. I do. Okay. Either I save the equipment and break my foot, or I leap back out the way and hope the unit doesn't get ruined. I'm running out of time. Me or the machine? Well, this time, I'm picking me. I give one last desperate shout for the Colonel, then the unit slips again, and I fling myself back on the mossy ground as the heavy meter slips from its precarious position and tumbles down the rock, coming to rest with a smashing sound face down on another rock half buried in the grass. So much for wishing, by the sounds of it the LCD display is smashed, and it's no use without it. I flop on my back in the grass in defeat, and I'm suddenly grabbed by the shoulders and shaken by someone who's a little too late.

"Carter? Carter are you okay? What the hell happened?"

I shrug him off, and get to my feet to check the unit. Yep, as I thought. It 's ruined. More taxpayers money gone up in smoke. I give the grey box one final kick and throw down my backpack, when another, softer touch on my shoulder makes me spin round to glare at the Colonel's confused face.

"Carter...are you okay?"

"Yeah just fine sir, I was only calling you for help for five minutes while I held that unit there!"

I stalk off again and this time I kick my backpack. If I'm surprised by this sudden rage, then the Colonel is even more surprised than me. I'm certainly not known for losing my temper. He just annoys me sometimes is all. Sometimes he's so sweet and nice to me, calling me angel, kissing me even, and let's not think about that right at the moment, then the next he's detached and stand-offish like today. I just don't understand the man, and I 'm beginning to think I never will. I look up from the ground then to find his concerned face looking into mine. He reaches his hand out to my chin and tilts it up to look at me.

"Sam, I'm sorry, I was asleep...I didn't hear you"

He was asleep? Well that's okay then! Just you nod off and leave me to deal with everything! At least he called me Sam. Everything seems different when he calls me that. I'm still fuming, but he gives me one of his rare genuine smiles, and I just can't stay angry at him for long. Its not a false smile like those he saves for the bureaucracy, and it's not one of his insincere overblown ones like he saves for Makepeace and Maybourne. Then he touches my shoulder again. He does that a lot more these days, touches me. He never used to. He used to go out of his way not to touch me. Or anyone I guess. Now those little moments, those smiles, those touches that he does now without thinking, mean so much to us all. To me. He's just a much better guy to be around generally. Danny told me the other day that he thinks its because of me, but its not, its because of us, and him. Not that I'm not gonna take any credit, I think me laughing at his jokes always perks him up, especially when they're of the really bad variety. I can't help it, I have a seriously skewed sense of humour okay? Just like my Dad I guess. And just like him.

"What were you shouting, were you shouting Colonel?"

His soft words draw me back out of my thoughts, and he pulls me down to sit on a large moss covered log. I don't know what he's talking about.

"Uh...yes..."

"Ahh...then that explains it"

He's lost me, and I can tell by the amused look on his face that he's well aware of this fact.

"Sam, I'm so used to people whining 'Sir this' or 'Colonel that' that I think I've begun to develop and cultivate a sort of selective deafness when it comes to those titles"

I just gape at him, and I must be frowning a little because he instantly starts to backtrack, his hand coming to cover mine. An unconscious little movement that melts my sudden bad mood.

"Uhh...not that you whine of course, you never whine. You weren't brought up to whine. Look, what I'm trying to say is, when you really need to get my attention, when you really need to get through to me, call me Jack okay?"

"...Okay"

He wants me to call him Jack. Okay so it wasn't an open invitation to call him that all the time, but still, he's given me permission to call him Jack. He wants me to call him Jack. I can do that. I can do that. That would be perfect.

"So I'm Jack, and you're angel"

And I smile.

******************************************

Sometimes they share those quiet moments together those two.

When I see them, when those pictures and visions of them slide into view, I always hope now that's its going to be like the one I just saw. I hope and pray all I see will be the two of them sitting quietly together, sharing a laugh or a soft conversation.

They look different to me then, so very different. The thinker ceases to be the thinker, and the leader ceases to be the leader. Not that they cease to think and lead, just that they become something else. Something I don't have the words for. Maybe it's just man and woman, maybe it's as simple as that. It comforts me these parts, and then he speaks and I hear him, I hear those words come from far, far away, as he calls her angel again. That single word that has the power to make or break me. So I close my eyes and curl on the floor and let sleep take me away. If there's something worse to come then I don't want to see it. I'll just sleep.

I wonder if I dream? If I do I certainly don't remember them, but if I do dream, I hope I spend them with her. I hope I spend my sleeping hours in the arms of my angel.

Whoever she is.

*****************************************

"Jack, can we go have a look over there? There might be signs of civilisation"

Jack looks up from where he is patiently helping Sam load and stow away her unnecessary equipment, then has a look over the forest canopy to where I'm pointing.

"Hunch Danny?"

"I just think we should explore a little further in that's all. There does seem to be what maybe used to be some tracks around here, it is possible they were made by whatever inhabitants this planet had or has"

He carefully puts down some sort of scanner thing, and with a nod to Sam comes to my side. He's being very careful with that equipment. Next to the unloaded gear lies a grey box wrapped in bubble wrap. Jack came back from the trees hefting it by himself earlier, and from what I can tell it's his fault it got broken. He was probably playing with it.

"You could be right Danny, this could have been a path. Carter, how 'bout we get this lot packed up and go have a look?"

Sam places another box on the buggy and fastens it down. She pauses to wipe a hand across her brow then nods in Jack's direction.

"Sure sir, I could do with a break from hard manual labour. Maybe the natives will feed us"

"You mean we've ran out of stew?"

Jack face is distraught. Poor guy. He really liked SG-2's stew. For a little while I thought it was that Captain Thompson that kept him going round to see them, I mean she's an attractive woman, but no, he just gets stew and comes back. He even seems oblivious to the huge smiles she saves just for him when he drops by the kitchens. I mentioned it to him once, and he was shocked.

"She looks at me like what?" He'd said, spoon of stew halfway to his mouth as the two of us sat up one night off-world. I explained that I thought she liked him, and he actually had to sit for a second, features contorted as he tried to remember what she looked like. I almost couldn't believe that. It was genuine though, and I'm certain of that, but Jack is never one to keep quiet when any attractive woman passes in front of us when out in town. Well at least he used to. I guess he hasn't been like that lately. So when he finally got her in his mind, he shook his head and said that no, she didn't like him, or at least he hadn't noticed. Fair enough. He obviously didn't like her in that way anyway.

"Oh, anyway, listen. I think Carter is up for a promotion Daniel..." He'd said next, eyes bright and eyebrows waggling in that way of his as he leant in and spoke to me in a soft conspiratorial voice. I was caught wordless by the sudden change of topic, then Jack had went on to tell me how he'd been talking to the General, and they both felt that Sam's rank would be reconsidered pretty soon. It's funny, but I never thought much of that topic change at the time. Now, she's a Major, and when I look back, I find it very suspicious that when talking of people being attracted to people, and attractive women and all, that his thoughts had turned to Sam...

I'm beginning to think I'm not imagining things at all...

"Sorry sir, the stews all done. SG-2 have been off world for a while and the stock has ran out. We'll have to wait till they get back"

Back to the real world Danny.

"Great, so it's rations again. Carter can't you get the recipe and make it or something? I mean, you being the woman of the team and all..."

This he said with one of those big shallow face contorting smiles of his, and Sam just sighed and went back about her work. And Jack grinned a huge genuine grin. He loves to tease her. These days it's one of his favourite pastimes. I wonder if he has any other pastimes in mind to share with Carter...Stop it! I should really stop this line of thinking. If I ever mentioned this to Jack he'd probably kick my ass. Sam too.

"C'mon then campers, let's go have a look around"

And we set off out into the woods.

**************************************

They walk off into the woods. And I follow them. Or rather, I see where they go.

Somehow.

They follow an overgrown earthen path into the trees, and as they walk down the gentle valley, and past the small stream, and onto a broader path, I feel another tickle in my head. I try to focus on it, but each time it moves away, only to return when my attention focuses back on the adventurers in front of me. A tickle. A stirring of memories, memories that I must have stored up in this skull somewhere. I get the strangest feeling that the place they are is almost familiar. Almost. But it doesn't feel like I've been there, it feels like I'm seeing a place lovingly and painstakingly described to me in detail by a close friend. I know that description seems a little odd, but it's exactly how I feel. Assuming I ever had a close friend.

The path widens further, and it becomes obvious that this area has been recently travelled. By who or what I have no idea. It seems that whatever precognition I have about this place ended when they first entered the woods. They pause every so often to examine plants, soil, footprints, and I find myself hugging my knees to my chest in impatience and expectance of something to follow. The leader feels it too. They scrabble on the ground and in the foliage, but his eyes are ever on the path in front of him.

They walk for some time. I'm not sure how long, as the image fades in and out of view with its customary annoying lack of definition and clarity. They eventually arrive at a small clearing, and they stop and instantly go on the defensive at what they see. The clearing has been dug into a rough bowl shape, and several recently dead bodies have been carefully placed into the bottom, arranged in a rough circle. Four bodies in all. The natives, for lack of a better term, are all rather short swarthy men, with lank dark locks, and sombre baggy clothing, cut in long, lean lines. In contrast to the somewhat drab clothes, they all wear an assortment of what can only be termed as 'ethnic' accessories, such as long bright beads, and a variety of multicoloured wristbands and hair bands. Each of the men sports a crimson burst of colour in the centre of their chest. Obviously the means of death. In the centre of the pit, a man sits cross-legged, seemingly oblivious to anything around him. He is wearing a lurid woollen poncho over his dark clothes, and his eyes are closed beneath the shaggy brows, thin lips set in a scowl beneath the hawk-like nose. This makes me very uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable. Insects of fear crawl slowly up my spine, and I shiver and curl up on the floor.

The man does not move. He just sits there. The air starts to buzz, or is it my ears that are buzzing? My nervous system is screaming at me, screaming. Neurones fire and burst along my limbs, but the muscles won't respond. They just lock and release, making my body shudder from head to foot.

They move forward as one, the leader two steps in front, the warrior and the thinker on his heels. The leader is confident, but wary. He can see the men are dead, and from the looks of things, the man in the centre is the most likely culprit.

"Jack, looks like there's some sort of settlement over there"

"Yeah well, we got us some dead people right here Danny, stay back"

They're talking to each other, but all I can hear is that buzzing, and it gets louder and louder. I clench my teeth at the sound, in fact, it's no longer really a sound, it's just pain, pure and simple. It's so loud it vibrates along my jaw and plays on my clenched teeth like a set of tuning forks. Blackness starts to incur slowly at the edge of my vision, and I can feel these sights start to be ripped away from me. No...no! I want to see, I have to see! Something in me...something in me needs to see...

The leader takes a step forward then, weapon brought to bear, and cautiously steps down into the dirt bowl, and over a body. The others take up defensive positions.

"Hey...hey buddy!"

He takes a step in front of the man sitting silently and so very still, and waves his arm in front of him. He's only a few feet away now, and I'm suddenly aware of a...a...presence among the trees behind them. No...all around them. There's something there...I'm sure there's something there. The leader steps forward again, his arm coming out in front of him...

"Jack...Jack this looks pretty ritualistic, I don't think you should interfere, maybe we should go to the village..."

"These people are dead Danny, I just want this guy to tell me why..."

"Jack...Jack don't..."

Things are said, but I can't hear them. Voices are raised, in warning in fear, but still he approaches. Time slows and stretches, and as I lie contorted in pain, darkness consumes my senses, all of them, and with a last gasping breath before unconsciousness takes me, I see him reach out his hand...

****************************************

I don't know what to do...

I don't know what to do.

I stand at the control computer, my fists balled against the keyboard, and watch as the gate snaps shut. I don't know what to do. I just stand there willing the thing to work, my shoulders hunched and my chin tucked in on my chest in an effort to keep warm. I'm not cold as such, it's more the cold in my soul, the absence, the fear, and a rising realisation that I try and refuse to acknowledge. Orders are barked once more, I press the keys, and the gate starts to spin again.

Its starts to spin...

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 chevrons. The gate opens with a snapping whoosh, and I hold my breath as the MALP trundles through for the fourth time. The video reception crackles into life, and we all lean forward a little as the picture clears. I bite my lip as I look at the screen, then a multitude of disappointed sighs sounds out around the room, and I can feel my spirits fall. Airmen go to retrieve the MALP, and I stand there and wait till they come back through, my hands on the monitor as the last one of them exits, and the gate whines as it powers down and the lights blink out. The wrong planet. Well, the right planet, the planet is what it should be, but it's not the one we were at. It's all blackened and burnt there now, and we can only assume that there was some large explosion, and that presumably that explosion was what caused the wormhole to jump. We're lucky it didn't just shut down with us still in the matter stream. At least we wouldn't have felt anything. We don't know what did it, whether there was some people there who wanted to destroy the gate, we're not sure, but General Hammond has forbidden exploration of that planet until we know what happened. It doesn't matter, I don't care about that planet, it's the wrong one, its... it's not the one we...we...

We can't go back...

I don't know what to do...

***************************************

The lights dim, and I lean back against the wall of the control room, arms wrapped round myself. That's it. It's not working. It's not working. We can' t get back to the planet. We can't. No one really knows how we got there in the first place, and no-one knows how to get back. People start to move from the room, and I watch as the General moves forward to where Sam is standing hunched over the control computer, hands on either side of the monitor, just staring out at the gate. He puts his hand on her shoulder and talks to her for a moment, and she shakes her head. He turns her round to face me, and speaks to us both.

"We'll find a way back people, I can assure you of that. People are working on it as we speak"

"I'll go and help"

"Major, I expect you to do your utmost to get us back to that planet, but not today. I order you to go get some sleep, and you can start in on this problem on the morning. Do I make myself clear?"

"...Yes sir"

He walks away then, and leaves Sam standing there. As soon as he has left the room, her shoulders sag and her head drops down, and I feel for her in the pit of my stomach. I know how she feels. I feel the same way. I walk forward to her side, and stand facing out the window. Teal'c is standing down there, staff weapon in hand, facing the gate at the bottom of the ramp. He's waiting. He's waiting. The general already tried to move him, more than once, but he won't go. I tried to move him too, but in a way it makes it easier for me, for Sam. If we know he's there at least we can get a little rest...maybe...

I turn and face Sam then, and she doesn't even look at me, she just flings herself into my arms. She's not crying, not even breathing hard she's so in control. She's being strong, she's being so strong. She knows she doesn't have to do that in front of me, I'm not stoic military like her, but she's not doing it for me...Oh no. She's not doing it for me at all. I wrap my arms around her, and lead her away. I think I'll take her to her quarters, but I doubt she'll sleep. I'll probably stay up talking with her. Probably. We walk away down the steps, and I keep my arm tightly around her shoulders. She stops suddenly then, and looks up into my eyes, and her own are wide with fear and realisation.

"We shouldn't have left Daniel..."

"You did the right thing Sam, and you know that"

She just looks down and starts walking again, and I follow. We do need sleep. It's been almost ten hours since we came back here, ten useless hours of trying to get back to that damned planet. For the first hour or two we were hopeful, hopeful that any second the gate would re-open. But it never did. So we tried to dial in, and it just didn't work. All we got was the planet we should have been to in the first place, again...and again. So we waited. And we waited.

But Jack never came back...

*****************************************

Things went strange then, and time seemed to slow and stretch, and the colour leached from everything, the light bending and refracting as the leader reached out his hand.

Then nothing.

I woke some time later, and though I don't remember viewing what came next, the images are in my head, and I feverishly sorted through them to quell the incessant and strange rumble of fear in my belly. I don't know why I'm so afraid, why I've come to...come to care I suppose. Maybe it's just because they are the only thing in my life besides my forgotten angel. Well, the only real, solid thing in my life.

I knew something was wrong. I knew it as soon as they arrived here. I knew it. Something told me, something warned me, but I couldn't warn them, I wish I could. As soon as he reached his hand for that man I felt a twisting burning pain in my gut and I called out, but it was too late. Too late. He touched the man's shoulder and his eyes flew open and he emitted a strange strangled sound. Then the very trees and bushes came alive, or seemed to. A hundred men dressed in lurid robes and shield-like wooden masks came charging through the trees armed with spears and swords and knives and fists. I closed my eyes and tried to look away but I couldn't. Somehow I could still see everything through my closed eyelids, and no matter how much I writhed and screamed and wrapped my arms around my head the pictures wouldn't go away. They wouldn't go away and they played in horribly detailed slow motion.

The leader turned in one swift motion and as his hand leapt to his gun my own hand trembled uncontrollably by my side. The others responded as he did, and he yelled at them, no doubt telling them to run. And they did, they ran. And he followed. They left the clearing as quickly as they could, and charged through the trees, the natives on their very heels.

So they ran and they got to the gate and they made it work. It whooshed and opened for them, and they made to go. But he was not there, the leader was not there. The thinker stood there, choices battling in her head, and then she made a choice, and ushered the others through. She crouched by the gate and fired at the oncoming natives, and then she saw him. He leapt out from the crowd and tried to fight his way to her. She fired at them and though some of them fell, they paid her no mind. They were after the leader, they were after him. She stood and fired and then had to stop when the surge of them overwhelmed him and brought him to the ground. Only when they had him subdued did they turn their sights to her and start to advance, and she locked eyes with him. She could not hear him over the shouting of the advancing natives, but she, like me, read his words on his lips.

"Go...go angel"

And this time she did not smile.

And the wormhole took her.

**************************************

I wake slowly, and my head is throbbing, my eyes blurred by what must be my own blood. But I'm still alive. I guess that's something to be glad of, unless they want my death to be slow. I pull my head off the ground and roll onto my front, hands braced beneath me. I'm in a dark cell with a tiled brown floor, and there's no-one here but me. Well there's no point making bad jokes about my imminent torturous death if there's no one here to tell them to. And certainly no-one to laugh at them.

They got away. They got away. I recall seeing Carter leap through the gate and I heard the familiar snap as the wormhole shut behind her. Then everything went black. They must have knocked me out. And now I'm here. On my own. Well, I've been through worse. Well...I can't really say that before I know what's going on. It looks like maybe Danny was right, and I interrupted some sort of ritual. That must be it, and boy were they pissed. Really pissed. Maybe they'll just slap me on the wrist and let me go home. Yeah right. Not very likely is it? Not really.

I gather what little strength I seem to have left and boost myself up on my arms. I don't get very far. I'm just about to pull my knees under me when my elbows give out. They must have hit me hard. I reach a hand round to the back of my head and it comes away glistening and dark. That'll be my blood then. I've seen far too much of my own blood in this lifetime, but something tells me I'll be seeing a lot more in the future. How many times have I been in a cell? I think I've lost count. Well, I hope this isn't the last. I smile and wince at the pain the movement causes. I wish Carter were here to hear that. She would have laughed. She always laughs at my jokes. To be honest, sometimes I wonder if she's laughing at me and not at my jokes. I must seem like a grade A moron next to her. She doesn't seem to mind though, she seems to like to spend time with me. She's always there by my side. Wherever we go. Well I'm glad she's not here now, I'm fed up dragging my buddies into the danger that always seems to follow in my wake.

The door creaks open then, and I blink when I realise that it probably wasn' t even locked. I'm really not very with it. They must have hit me very hard. Two men walk in and reach for me. I recoil and try to move away, but they just keep coming. They loop their arms under mine and lift me so my feet finally find the floor. They carry me out of the cell and I struggle to support myself with my own limbs, but my legs are rubbery and won't respond. I try and speak to them but my throat is croaky and I only manage a rasp. I think I may have been unconscious for a while.

At least the others got away. Mind you, these guys didn't seem very interested in them until Carter shot a few of them. I guess I must have broken some taboo by touching that guy or something. My fault. I screwed up. At least it's just me suffering. I hope they don't try to come get me or...oh. Oh right. We weren't meant to be on this planet were we? And knowing my stinking luck lately, I bet they can't get back. I bet they can't get back.

They manhandle me out into the open, and I have to blink at the bright sunlight. Looks like its morning. Looks like I've been unconscious for a while then. At least a day. In that case, they definitely can't get back, because they would have come for me by now. I imagine they're back in the SGC trying to work out how to get here. I imagine Carter is half-asleep at her computers, desperately trying to make the gate work. I smile when I think of that. I smile when I think what they'll do for me, what she'll do for me. My guards pick that exact moment to dump me on the ground, and to be honest I'm glad. I've been grumpy enough thinking about Carter lately, and I really need to focus on my surroundings now. I try and stop my fall with my arms, but they kick them out from under me and I taste sandy soil. Spitting, I rise again, and this time they walk away from me. I'm in a sort of circular area in the centre of some rough-hewn huts, and bordering the circle is a line of men. They all look similar, dark hair, dark features, long hook like noses. And they all look like they hate me. I'm just about to open my mouth and start some sort of dialogue, when a heavy lumpy weight slams into me from behind and my nose once more meets the floor.

I struggle underneath the pinning force on my back, and when I finally manage to roll underneath it, I see it's a body. The body of one of these guys, with several bullet holes. He's dressed up to the nines, and that can only mean he was real important. Uh-oh. I think I've really screwed up. Sometimes I really ought to listen to Danny. I push myself up and flip the body off of me, and force my dusty larynx into action.

"Uh...look...I'm really sorry I...uh...interrupted your little party here, I didn't know what was going on"

No-one speaks. In fact, none of them even look at me. The circle of men simply look down at their feet, then turn away so their backs are to me. I manage to sit up then, pushing the body to one side, and stare at the sea of backs around me.

"Uh...I'm really sorry for interfering, how 'bout you let me go and we forget all about it huh?"

Nothing. Silence. Well...they haven't killed me outright, so maybe I'll just be punished instead...maybe. We sit in silence this way for a while, and I take the time to gather my strength. Maybe I can burst out of this circle and get back to the gate. Maybe they won't even come after me. So far they' ve done nothing worse than ignore me. Maybe that's what this is all about, maybe I'll be banished or something. Well that would be perfect...

"Okay, I've been bad, why don't you banish me? You don't want me hanging around making the place look scruffy believe you me"

Oh. Maybe that did something. There's some movement from one of the huts, and then the circle parts a little, letting these three big guys come in. Big guys. These must be the head honchos or something. They're all kitted out in serious ceremonial gear. The first one has a huge elaborate wooden mask on, with strangely serene features carved onto it. The second one is carrying a big terracotta jug thing, and he's carrying it very carefully and reverently. And then there is the third guy, and he's the guy that's worrying me. The third guy is carrying what I can only describe as one hell of a big honking knife. That's bad...that's very bad.

"Uh guys...can't we discuss this like civilised barbarians?"

"Oof"

Apparently not. I'm grabbed from behind by the arms, and someone plants a boot against my back and forces the breath from my lungs. Things are starting to get a little out of control...The first guy comes towards me and he starts to speak. Great. A planet that doesn't speak English, just my luck. He drones on for a while, and every time I so much as move a muscle, the boot is pressed further into my spine. This is so not good. The guy then walks right up in front of me and takes some items from behind his back. My jacket and my gun. The jacket is slashed and torn in places, and my MP5 has been smashed and buckled. No use to me. He holds them up above his head, and I can see that they are tied together with rope. He takes another step towards me, winds the rope around my shoulders, then moves away. Great. Now I'm properly decorated apparently.

The second guy comes towards me then, and the guard behind me snakes an arm under my chin and forces my head back, while he grabs a handful of my hair and pulls my mouth open. Bad idea. I struggle for a while, but the arm around my throat makes me go weak, and light-headed. I hope you guys are coming for me, because I don't think I'm gonna get out of here by myself. Not this time. Where's Carter when I need her, she always rescues me and finds me when I'm in trouble. The earthen pot is placed against my lips then, and a splash of hot fiery liquid burns against my skin. I think you're gonna be too late this time Sam...

Too late...

I try and gag but I'm too weak and the guards are too strong. My jaw cracks as it's forced wide, and molten lava rolls over my tongue and creeps down my throat, making my nerves reel in its wake. It's burning me, it's burning me...Tears spring unbidden from my eyes at the heat and the pain, and my tongue thankfully numbs as the pot is tilted further and further, and I'm choking on the unbearable bitter heat. They don't care. I'm choking and gasping and writhing with the pain but they only hold me tighter. I feel it as it enters my stomach and for all the world it feels like its melted straight through and is consuming me from the inside out.

Where are you Carter? Where's my angel when I need her?

Arms come around me again, and I am half dragged and half lifted. When they release me I see I am once again in that pit, that circle, where all this trouble started. The men are arranged around its circumference, and I am crumpled in the centre. The guards advance again, and hold me upright. I no longer have any strength or will to resist. One of the head honchos points at the circle around me, and speaks, but it seems so unimportant as my eyelids start to grow heavy, and the fire in my belly burns ever on.

I'm sorry I've been such a grumpy fool lately guys, I'm sorry. I'm sorry Daniel, sorry Teal'c and I'm sorry Sam. Maybe if I hadn't been in such a bad mood I'd never be in this mess. I hope they don't think I've been pissed at them, I haven't. I've just been annoyed with myself lately for some of my actions... and some of my feelings.

The third man takes a step forward then, and raises the knife in front of him. The fire inside me seems to have reached my brain now, and I can feel things start to slip away. Sound fades to nothing and the picture starts to follow it as the knife tip comes to rest against my chest. Good. Kill me. Kill me and take the pain away. If I'm gonna die it's probably better that I die now, before I cause problems back home. Before I ruin things because I...

The picture fades to black. The only sense I have left is touch, and the last thing I feel is the knife slowly slicing through the flesh of my chest and pressing hard against my sternum. I guess that's how those other guys met their end.

As I fade away, the last thing I think is that I'm glad I got to kiss Sam. Yeah so it was wrong, and so was what I was thinking at the time, but no point denying things now, it doesn't matter any more. I got to kiss her...

Goodbye angel...

And I think of her smile.

****************************************

Oh God.

Oh my God.

He's gone...he's gone.

This...this can't happening...I saw him...I saw what they...what they did to him. Or at least I saw some of it. It was the worst vision yet. And I haven' t had another since. Something was different about it. The picture wasn't clear, and it faded more and more as time went on. And they brought the cold metal to his chest, and pushed. And that was the last I saw. And now I'm alone. I'm so alone.

I'm here and I'm alone and I have nothing. I...I think I was alone before. When I was first here there was nothing and I just...I don't know what I did. I just sat and huddled in the corner. I must have been eating and drinking and things, I must have, but I can't remember them. All I can remember are the visions, and some of the time in-between. They started shortly after...the beginning, and soon I was seeing them most of the time. In-between I just sat. I just sat and recalled them or I slept.

And now they've stopped.

And I don't know what I'm going to do without them. I don't have my angel, and now I don't have them. Is this what the rest of my life is going to be? Sitting here like this? He died, and he died alone, and he never told her...he never told her. To be honest I don't think he knew. I knew. I saw them together, and I saw his feelings for her grow. He called her angel...and he meant it. And she would smile. Oh that smile. That smile that said I wish I really was your angel. Wasted chances, all too late. Now he's gone. I lost my angel, and he lost his. I hope I loved my angel, and I hope she knew how much. I did tell her didn't I? Didn't I? Oh I must have, oh please tell me I did. What if I'm here and I'm far from her and I loved her so much and she didn't know? What if I was too scared? What if I never really knew?

Well I know now. I know now. I'm here living an empty shallow life that's no life at all, with no purpose, no identity and no memories but her. The memory of her is so strong it's the only thing I know, so God I must have loved her so much. She's the only thing I live for now, the hope that I may see her again. I know she may be gone, but if I could at least remember her, see her face, hear her voice, her laughter, her smile. My angel...But I can' t.

I can't.

I wonder if she sits somewhere thinking of me like the thinker must think of the leader. I miss her so much. I miss something I don't even know, and have no memory of. Well I miss that then. I miss the memory of her.

My angel.

****************************************

Life goes on. At least it's supposed to isn't it?

Well it doesn't here. There's still an air of something wrong, something missing, even though it's been more than six months since we lost Jack. I mean lost as in misplaced of course, not dead. Never dead. I won't believe he's dead until I see a body. Or something. God knows I've been dead enough times and come back. Those good old 'non-fatal' type deaths.

Things try to move on, but we won't let them. The other teams go on about their business, troops transfer in and out, they laugh, they fight, they work. But we don't join in. Everybody avoids us now, probably because wherever we go we spread bad feeling. We walk in on a room of laughing airmen, and they all shut up because they say we make them feel guilty for being here, for enjoying life. I feel bad about that, I really do, and even Janet's started to get a little worried about our behaviour. As am I I think. I wish I knew how long to wait. How long am I supposed to wait until I admit to myself that he's not coming back?

I pull myself from my thoughts then as I walk into Sam's lab. She's hunched over a monitor as always. And Teal'c is standing by her side, staff weapon in hand. He's on a break. He spends most of his time in front of the gate, waiting for Jack's return. For a while we all tried to stop him, but now everyone's kind of gotten used to it I guess. Returning teams give him a smile and a wave when they come back through, and Makepeace has even taken to trying to throw his cap on his head when he returns. All in good fun though, people have been doing their best to try and cheer us up.

We tried to go back there, to that planet, we really did. We did a lot of work in the first couple of months and we set the computers to work out all the combinations that would be in the same area as the planet we were meant to go to. Sam says that the wormhole wouldn't have leapt very far, and so we searched. And found nothing. We even thought that maybe the other gate was just somewhere else on the same planet, but we've explored that planet thoroughly now, and there's nothing else there, certainly not another gate.

"Hi Sam"

"Mmm? Oh hi Daniel"

I move to her side to see the screen, but it's just showing the SGC screensaver. She's just sitting biting her pen and staring into space. She's taken it worse than all of us. I spoke to her about it one night a few months ago, and I asked her why she missed him so much. She looked at me like I was stranger, and I don't blame her, it wasn't the most tactful of questions really.

"What? Because he's my friend Danny, why on earth did you ask that?"

It really hurt her. What was I supposed to say, that I thought she missed him so much because she had feelings for him? I should have kept my stupid mouth shut. So what if she does, it doesn't matter now. Then she slapped me. I shook my head and looked up and she was trembling with tears in her eyes, her hand still raised in front of her. I said that out loud. Oh my God I said that out loud. Did I say all of it or just the last part?

"Don't you dare give up hope on me, I won't let you! I won't let you think that he's dead! Did we ever give up on you when you went missing? I won't give up on him Danny, I won't...I can't..."

I apologised and I took her in my arms and we just held each other tight.

"I'm sorry Sam...I'm sorry I didn't mean it. We'll never give up hope okay? Never"

She nodded against my chest and I held her tight. She's been so strong. I know she's so hurt inside but she so rarely lets it show.

"It's okay to cry Sam, angel's can cry"

She looked up at me then, eyes glistening with unshed tears, and she knows I know. She loves him and I know. She's never said it, and to be honest I don' t think she ever will, but I still know. She nods once at me, then buries her face back in my chest. Oh Sam I'm sorry. I'm sorry you never got to love him.

And we've never spoken of it since. But every time she sees an angel, or hears the word in a song, she closes her eyes, and I know she thinks of him. She won't ever let him go. To be honest, I'm beginning to think maybe we should, maybe it is time. We've tried everything, everything. Well almost everything, and that's why I'm here today. Maybe we have one last chance.

"Sam, I have an idea, there's something we haven't tried"

That got her attention. She swings in her chair to look at me, and I can see her eyes are puffy and shadowed. She's been crying. She's been crying but I won't say a thing. It's an unspoken agreement between us, not to say. Someday's I come in like that, with big bags under my eyes because I've remembered something Jack said to me or found an old photo.

"What do you mean, we've tried everything!"

"I know it might be a long shot, but remember when we went to that planet with the chamber like Abydos?"

"Yes, what about it? You said it was the same"

"Sam, it might have been the same. Most of it was destroyed remember, and we were being chased so I only had the time to check the first line of addresses, and they were the same as on Abydos. But what if that list had been made after the one on Abydos, what if it had extra addresses?

Teal'c takes a step forward and watches in silence. Sam gets up slowly from her chair and turns to look at me. I wince when I see a little spark of hope in her eyes, but I can't help but feel it too. Yes, It's one hell of a long shot, but it's certainly worth a try.

"It's worth a try Danny, let's go see the general"

**************************************

"Watch out for that slab Daniel, it's a bit loose"

I stand by the door and watch my friends as they search. It is good to be doing something, and even if it does not help us to find O'Neill, at least we are occupied. They have more life in them now than they have had over the last six months. And me? I am simply glad to be doing something positive. I am tired. I am tired of waiting by the gate for O'Neill's return. It is obvious now that he cannot return by himself, or he is dead. I will not believe he is dead until we find proof. And find it we must.

"Sam, some portions of this wall are completely destroyed. The combination we want may be here but they may be ruined!"

"We have to keep looking Danny"

The General was not sure about us returning to this planet, but he was as eager as us to return the Colonel. So we sent the MALP through, and on the other side was devastation. It seemed as though the Goa'uld had discovered this planet, and deeming it a threat or nuisance, had eradicated the entire population. Without the local population to chase us from what they believed was sacred ground we could easily examine the ruins. But the attack from a system Lord brought more problems. More of the ancient buildings had become even more ruined. Including the room we were now depending on to take us to O'Neill.

And so we searched. We spent many hours sifting through the rubble, and most of it was the same as on Abydos, or unreadable. But then came a sliver of hope.

"Danny! Danny come here!"

"What is it Sam?"

"This one Danny, see? You can just make it out. It's new, I know it is!"

"Wait till I check on the laptop...you're right Sam, it is! It's too far away to be the one we want, but it wasn't on the walls in the chamber in Abydos!"

"Then the address we want could be here Danny, it could be!"

Then they smile at each other. Major Carter's eyes are so full of hope, and Danny gently lays a hand on her shoulder and she closes them. We all know we may never get back there, but we have to try. And I believe this may be our last, and only chance.

And so we search again.

And night falls.

And then, and then it happens. Out of the rubble in a corner a small tablet of wall is found, and on it can be seen the faint glyphs of an address we do not know, an address that could be the very one we seek...

**************************************

I want to die. I want to be dead. I tried to kill myself earlier, but I don' t have the tools to do so. There is nothing in this small dark room but me. Only me. Eventually I was driven so mad by the fact I could not even take my own life, that I tried to claw out my throat with my own hands. And that's when I felt it. I scrabbled at my neck in my despair, and I felt something under the rough cloth of my dirty shirt. I stopped then, and with trembling fingers I pulled the frayed collar of my top down and away from my skin. On the centre of my chest across my sternum, was a faded scar.

What had I done to get a scar like that? It has almost disappeared, and I obviously got it some time ago. But still the skin was puckered and pink, and something about it tugged incessantly at my mind. It tugged and pulled and teased, but still nothing came back. Nothing. What had I been doing to get a scar like that? Had I been fighting? I ran a few scenarios and ideas through my mind, but it was too late, the moment was gone, and the memory receded out of reach.

Why can't I remember? I know I have memories, I know I have them somewhere! Somewhere in this stupid, thick head of mine lies the story of my life, how I came here, who I was, and the touch of my angel. My...my angel...there it is again. A brief flutter of...something...against the inside of my skull. Why can't I remember! Oh please...please let me remember, let me remember her! I sit and I concentrate, my eyes squeezed shut and my teeth and hands clenched as I try to force a picture of her into my mind...and nothing...nothing...

I want to see her! I want to remember her smile, her touch! I want to be with her again! I want to remember damn you, let me remember!

But my mind is a blank empty shell, and my words reach no-one...no-one. Where am I? Where is she? Why the hell am I here! I don't want to be here...I want to be...somewhere, anywhere else!

I clamber to my feet then, swaying unsteadily on wasted muscles, and jerk across the room to the heavy wooden door. There's a door? There's a door! I...I never even noticed there was a door, much less that I was in a room of some sort. I've been living inside my wasteland of a head for so long...so very long...I take another step, and leaning forward, I push against the door, and it opens. It opens and I realise that it probably wasn't even shut right. It creaks noisily on old hinges, and slowly but steadily swings to one side, and I have to fling an arm over my eyes at the sudden glare of light.

Outside. I'm outside. There's...there's the sun...and grass...and trees...trees! I just stand on the threshold to the small, rundown old cottage and blink in the searing sunlight. The cottage is standing on the top of a small hill, which slopes down towards rolling meadowland, and a gentle stream. The stream gargles ever so gently, and the birds sing a sweet new song. I cast my eyes about me, hoping to see something, anything familiar. But it all looks new to me. There is nothing here that I know. I'm lost...I'm lost in this land...and lost inside my head.

I want to go home. Why can't I just go home, wherever the hell that is? I thought...I thought I'd step outside and everything would be alright and I'd remember or she'd be waiting for me or something! Something! I can't stand this nothingness! I can't stand to...to exist with nothing inside of me, not even knowing my own damn name! Can't you even give me that? Can't you even give me a name?

So I run.

I run. I don't know why...maybe I'm fed up of thinking all the damn time, maybe it's time my body got some exercise, and maybe it'll shut my useless brain up for a little while. At...at least I'm outside. There are new things here...new things. Everything is so new, everything is...so...new...except...

I stop. I stop so suddenly I almost lose my balance on my shaky legs. I stand and pant for a minute, but before I realise what I'm doing, my body has started to move, and walk, and my relentless steps lead me to a large boulder that sits squat on the soft grass. It's a very old rock, poking up through the turf, and it's surface is mottled and covered in pockmarks and craters, and it sticks up like some marker, like some grey leaning monolith striving for my attention. It has it. It has my full attention. I walk around its mass and crouch under the overhang and peer into the shadow. I feel a sudden déjà vu, almost as if I have done these exact movements before. And I may well have for all I know. Something makes me reach out my hand then, and gingerly, almost as if I afraid something may bite me, I reach into the shadowed darkness, and finding something solid, I pull it towards me.

I sit back and tug on my prize, and the collection of objects tumbles out onto the bare soil in front of me, and a sliver of recognition winds its way up my spine.

A short coil of something, a flash of green, and a glint of steely black.

No. No...

And I run.

I run back to the cottage and I close the door and I sink down into the corner and back inside my mind. And I don't ever want to come out.

Ever.

***************************************

I look around.

I stand here and look around and the biggest grim spreads across my face. I Look across at Sam and Teal'c and their faces match mine. Well...Teal'c looks pleased in his way. We're here. We're actually here. This is it. This is the planet.

Sam is grinning so much I think her face may split, and then, area secure, the smile fades away. As does mine. The area is empty, and doesn't look disturbed. In fact, it looks as thought no-one has been here since we left. Well we've done the first step, we're here. But...well...at least we'll find out. At least we'll know. The fact that the area is undisturbed indicates that Jack didn't make it here again. That he didn't get away. As far as we know he might have died right after we went through. But we have to know. We couldn't have gone on not knowing, not having tried to rescue him. We have to try.

Sam takes a deep breath and walks forward to the area she last saw him fall. She kneels on the ground and sifts through the grass for something, anything. Even bones. We all hold our breath and wait, waiting for her to fling herself on the ground in tears, but she doesn't. She searches for a few moments, then sits back and collects herself. Then she looks over at us.

"There's nothing here Danny, we should move on"

The General wanted to send two teams with us, but we protested. This had become such a personal thing for us, and to be honest, I was beginning to think the other teams would have become sick of talk of Jack by now, but they all surprised us by volunteering. Oh Jack, if you are still alive, you' d be pleased to know that even Makepeace wanted to come find you. So we relented, and took one team with us, SG-4, a good team, and they are watching our backs as we speak. They know we're in charge, and thankfully they have taken a quiet backseat so far. The General insisted we couldn't go by ourselves, because of what happened before, even though I tried to insist it was only because of our actions, but then Hammond asked me if I could assure him no further mistakes would be made, and of course, I couldn't do that. He walked up to me then, and placing his hands on my shoulders, told me that he didn't want to lose any more members of his best team. And I promised him we would take care. He didn't say anything to Sam, I think he was aware on some level that she was affected by Jack's loss more than we were. He felt this, but I don't think he knows why.

So we took a last look around the area, then set off down the same path we took last time, and I was plagued by a terrible feeling of déjà vu. I don't know if that was good or bad, and I searched my instincts to see what I felt, but to my surprise I felt nothing. I didn't feel unduly hopeful or fearful, just...just anticipation. And an impending sense of closure. He could just be imprisoned...he could be. Well, there is no way he's running about free. One, he would have come home, and two, the fact that the gate is unguarded and not damaged, obviously means the natives don't fear him getting away that way.

Okay Daniel. Let's face the worst possibility. He upset some ritual in which they were openly using and flaunting dead bodies, so it's equally if not more possible that they just executed him on the spot. Or they kept him and tortured him for a while. Nice. Lovely thoughts. I feel so bad about my line of thinking that I stop for a minute, and just stare at the ground. I only come to when Sam lays a gentle hand on my shoulder.

"Daniel? I know Daniel...I'm...I'm thinking the same things, but we have to know"

Yes. We do have to know. If he's alive, we rescue him, if he's dead, we mourn him. And we'll take his remains back with us. He wouldn't want to be buried here, I know that. We'll bury him next to Charlie, he'd like that. He 'd want to come home. And...and if there's nothing left, then we bring him back with us in spirit. He'd...he'd never really be dead anyway...not to us, and not to the SGC.

Other the last few months it was really hard to go on without him, especially at Christmas. There we were trying to be merry and happy and festive, not knowing if he was alive or dead or what. We tried, we went to the party and drank and ate an danced, but it wasn't the same. I felt so guilty. At one point I went outside for some much needed fresh air, I'd been overindulging in the delusion that the drink would help me forget, and I found Sam outside, her back shaking with the exertions of her tears. And I was so glad. It was the first time I'd seen her cry. I'm sure she had cried about it, but never in front of anyone, and when I went to touch her shoulder she just flung herself into my arms and let it all out. And I think for a little while I joined her. And I promised her we'd find him. I never said alive or not, but I know she knew what I meant. We'd find him. No matter what. And so Christmas came and went. The presents we bought for him are still sitting on his coffee table in his house where we left them.

Sam slips her hand into mine then, gives me a reassuring smile, squeezes my hand a little, and pulls me into motion once more. We walk off for a few minutes, getting some space between us and SG-4, and then, with no permission from me, and no warning whatsoever, my mouth opens and speaks. I really need to practise some sort of control over my faculties.

"You love Jack, don't you?"

Well, that's an expression I've never seen on her face before. Why the hell did I ask? I mean, Jack could be dead, he could be. Why must I interfere so much? I dunno, it's just that...okay...if Jack is alive, and we get him back safe and well, then I make a promise here and now, that I will get them together. I promise. So I make my vow, and still Sam says nothing. Nothing at all, just looks at me. Something dawns across her face then, and for all the world I think maybe she only just got it herself. For God's sake...She doesn't acknowledge it though, just looks quickly away, her eyes scanning across the scenery as she does a quick mental check. Then she takes a deep breath.

"I don't know. And it might not matter"

She said that second part so very quietly I almost missed it. Then she starts to walk away and I follow.

**************************************

I am nothing.

What is a man without memories? A hollow twisted bitter shell, that's what. And what is a man without a woman? Huh...I snort at that, and I get the strangest feeling that someone should be laughing along with me.

I am nothing.

I lie on my side on the cold stone floor and laugh. I laugh for a while. I'm a madman. Maybe I always was a madman, maybe that's why I'm here now. Maybe that's why she left me. Assuming she was ever with me. This is my current favourite scenario, that she left me. I mean, I don't know myself, but my experience of me since I've been here (wherever here is of course) has not been a particularly pleasant one. Why on earth would any angel want to spend time with me? So maybe she didn't. Maybe she was unaware of how I felt, and merely tolerated me out of some strange sense of pity, or duty. Maybe. I mean I don't even know what I look like. I'm fairly tall I think, and I think I used to be fit, but now I'm just scrawny. Not surprising considering what I've been eating. I found that out the other week. It seems that during my, thankfully shortening, periods of waking unawareness, that I've been walking to the stream to drink, and eating fruit and dead animals from the woods behind the house. The animals are caught in traps. I don't set them, I just eat them when I find them. I eat them raw. The funny thing is, even though I realised this several days ago, it only just occurred to me now that those traps must be set by someone. And it never crossed my mind until just now to go look for them. And I know I won't.

I know I won't.

I had a dream last night. My first dream, and it was a fairly poor one. But it wasn't what I wanted, I didn't dream about her, my angel. Instead I dreamt that I was sitting in the centre of a pit in the ground, and my head was swimming and throbbing. I felt...I could feel something flowing away from me, something slipping beyond reach in my head...and then it was gone...gone...And then I opened my eyes, and I was alone. I stood up groggily, and looked about me. When I first woke from this dream I was almost excited, I thought this was a memory...my memory. But I realise now that I merely stole it from my visions of them. It was the same pit where they...where they lost the leader, except I was the man in the centre. But there were no bodies in my dream, no people, just me. Just me when I woke and stood. I felt like I was new born. I felt like I had awoken for the very first time. It was nothing important, it can't have been, for my first memory is of waking here, on this cold floor. And that is all I have.

This life just gets emptier and emptier. Maybe...maybe one day I just won't wake up. That would be nice. Then I could just float away into nothingness, into heaven. Do I deserve heaven? I have no idea...I can't imagine being a bad man, but who knows? Well if I do, maybe she'll be there to meet me. A suitable place for her don't you think? All angels belong in heaven. With her angel's eyes and voice. Okay...so that last part was just conjecture...but what I can't remember I make up. I imagine the soft touch of her fingers on my face, and then I imagine the gentle weight of her hand in mine as I squeeze it...oh...Pain...terrible pain...a memory of terrible pain, and then nothing but her hand in mine as she asks me to die...and I say yes...what the hell was that?

I push up angrily from the floor and go stand facing my favourite corner. I hate these flashes of...something. They are never enough, and they taunt me with their hints of my life with her. Maybe I am a bad man...and this is my terrible punishment.

Well...whatever I have done surely can not have been worth this. If this is indeed my fate I'd rather face death. That would be far more preferable to this...waking death...a death where my heart lies frozen in suspension...waiting for each foggy memory so it may stir a little again and perhaps beat for a few seconds before it fades away, and set once more in ice. Great...great.

When next I wake, I will do something...something. I can't live like this, and I won't. One way or another...there will be an end to it.

Can I be unconscious again please? Please?

Oh...thanks...

**************************************

We step cautiously out into the clearing much as we did those many months ago. The pit is still there, but it is mostly overgrown and this time there are no bodies within it. I cannot help but feel while time for us has stood still since we left O'Neill here, for this planet it has moved inexorably on. Seasons and time changing this place, and washing away any signs that we, and he, were ever here. But we have returned.

I stand at the edge of the clearing, and watch as Major Carter takes charge of the situation, and organises a search of the area. She is a very efficient and confident commanding officer, and in our few missions since we have lost O'Neill, she has become even more so. She refuses to believe or acknowledge this fact, and I know she was rather he was here and in charge, instead of her. I also wish he had returned to us, but he did not, and he may never.

These thoughts do not please me, but I cannot help but think them. And I know the others think them too.

Area secured, we press forward into the woods following the well trodden path. There is some sort of settlement ahead. Maybe Colonel O'Neill is here. Or perhaps he died a long time ago. We move out of the forest into a larger clearing, and in the distance there is a gathering of small huts, and few painted wagons rest horse-less on the dark earth. This is it. We spread out and stop on the threshold of the clearing. A few men walk over from the dwellings, and regard us warily, but they do not appear to be overtly hostile. Major Carter indicates for Daniel to open the proceedings, and he takes a step forward, and stands fingering his hat.

"Uh...hi"

"What do you want here?" The native replies. We all look at each other. At least they speak a language we understand. The natives chatter among themselves then, but obviously in some local language and dialect that I am unfamiliar with. Daniel Jackson screws up his face, and it is obvious he cannot understand them either.

"Umm, we're looking for a man"

The natives just stare at Daniel, and he glances at Major Carter, who nods at him to continue.

"Uh, he was here a while ago, he was dressed like us? We...uh...got into a bit of trouble last time...some of you chased us..."

More blank looks. A few of the natives exchange glances and words, and one of them trots off back to the settlement. This is not going well.

"Umm, there was a ritual taking place, there was a man in that clearing back there, surrounded by bodies"

They suddenly all talk amongst themselves animatedly.

"Well that got a reaction Daniel" Says Major Carter. And then another man emerges from one of the buildings. He looks much like the others, but his clothes are brighter, and he wears a large knife strapped across his chest. This is obviously the leader. Although similar to his men, there is something about him that is familiar.

"That man in the circle was being punished, he had killed our men"

"Uh...okay, well what happened to the other man that came here then?"

The leader of these people stands still for a long time and looks from one of us to the other, then back at his men. They talk in their own language for a brief time, then most of the men leave. The leader turns to look at us one more time, and with a sweep of his arm invites us into the nearest and largest hut. Carter signals for the other team to stay out side, and we follow Major Carter into the hut.

I do not know what we will discover.

**************************************

"Thank you for talking to us, we won't bother your people for long, I promise"

We gingerly take our seats on the cut logs, and glance at each other as the chief sits down. He wouldn't tell us his name, said we had no right to hear it as we were strangers. Fair enough, we don't need his life story, we just want to know where the Colonel is.

"Ask...then leave"

"Uh...we came here about six months ago, and we inadvertently disturbed one of your rituals back there in the clearing, and you captured one of our team, a man. Colonel Jack O'Neill"

"I don't remember this"

What does he mean he doesn't remember? Some of these people had to be here when we last came through, this settlement looks pretty permanent, at least one of these people must have been in the area six months ago. This is beginning to make less and less sense. Are they lying to us? I don't think so, what reason would they have?

"Um...it wasn't that long ago, we came through the gate, the ring in the forest? And uh...you chased us, but you caught one of us"

" I don't remember this"

They must do! They look so confused, almost as if we're talking gibberish. If they don't remember, then it is possible that the Colonel is here, and alive.

"Well, is there a stranger here?"

He looks thoughtful for a moment, almost as if he is remembering something, then shakes his head. He leans over to one of his men, and they whisper into his ear. Then he turns back to us.

"There was a new man, a new man some time ago"

The Colonel. It could be the Colonel.

"Where is he now?"

"He is gone...he is gone"

"Gone? What do you mean gone?"

"He is gone to us"

Gone? Has he been captured by someone else? Did they kill him? My mind is reeling with possible questions when Teal'c asks the question I'm so afraid to ask.

"Is he dead?"

"He is gone. He did wrong and so is gone"

Gone...they must have killed him...they must have killed him...

"What do you mean he did wrong, when he interrupted your ceremony?"

The man turns his attention to Daniel and I bite my lip. My stomach is churning and my mind is reeling. Why won't he just give us a straight answer! Just tell us! What have you done with him, we need him...

"There was a man who was being punished, the man in the circle, he was paying for his crimes. Then the other man interrupted and affected things. We captured him"

He pauses then, looking at each of us darkly as if we should guess the outcome. Daniel looks at me fleetingly, but I just dip my head. It should be my place to act, it should be. I was, am, his second in command, and it should be up to me to find out what happened to him. I should ask, but I can 't, I can't. I'm not being controlled by the calm coolheaded Major at the moment, right now Sam has control. Sam, the emotional tearful and terrified woman, who wishes this moment would freeze like this forever. I don't want to here the answer to the question that must be asked, I don't want to know. I want to live this moment forever in the slim hope that he's still alive somewhere, and that I'll find him. And then, when we get him home, things will carry on like before, and then maybe one day, one day he'll kiss me like he did before. I look at Danny, and my eyes beg him to take this burden away from me, and thankfully, he does so.

"And...what did you do with him?"

"The man he disturbed was removed, the man who we captured was to take the same punishment. It is our way"

Punishment? The Colonel was to receive the punishment meant for a murderer? Then...then they must have killed him...they must have.

"Could you...could you show us his remains? Uh...where you put the body?"

"Why would you want to see the body, it is but an empty vessel now, awaiting the emergence and transference of a new life"

He's dead. Oh God the Colonel's dead. He's dead. He kissed me once, he kissed me and I'll never know what that meant. When we got home from that mission he stopped me in the corridor, a warm hand on my shoulder once more. He stood there for a moment, then started to say something, then he shook his head, smiled, and left. I always thought that one day we would talk about that kiss, or one day have another...and more...but now I'll never know what he meant by it, or what he wanted to tell me. And I'll never ever feel his warm hand on my shoulder, never feel that gentle touch that meant so much, promised so much. Never.

"You would do best to forget him, he is gone. You should leave him and this place. May we offer you this drink if you so choose. Here...drink of this...it will take your mind away. Then you will feel no more pain for him"

He lays a gentle hand on my shoulder, and I jerk away from that touch. He removes the alien hand and holds a large pot in front of me. The liquid inside looks heavy and red, and I squint at it for a seeming eternity. I do feel pain, but more for me for his absence. I just sit there, staring, but Daniel continues to talk.

"Uh...we would like to see where he...rests...please...it means a lot to us"

He withdraws the beaker, and gets slowly to his feet. He looks very weary of us, but my numb mind cannot conjure up any rage. If the Colonel had only gone missing yesterday, I would have torn this place apart, but it was a long time ago, a long time, and I cannot muster any anger. How can I? They were following what they thought was right, and the Colonel did interfere. But he didn't know, he didn't know! No use pleading ignorance now Sam, it's too late, he's gone. He died a long time ago. Well at least now I can stop clutching at my heart and let it die with him.

I think maybe I loved him. Maybe. But I can't be sure now he's gone. What I' d give to see those eyes, hear that voice, feel that hand on my shoulder, and above all, hear him call me angel one more time. So that once more I could pretend I was his angel, and pretend that's truly what he saw me as.

Daniel takes my arm then, and with a sigh that could well be my soul escaping, I struggle to my feet and look at him questioningly.

"Sam? He'll show us where Jack is"

I nod, and I follow, but I feel as though I've left all the important parts of me behind.

I'm just a hollow shell now, not an angel.

Not an angel at all.

I don't think I'll ever smile again...

We step out onto the soft grass, and the man points up towards a gentle hill and an old wooden building beyond a gentle wood. It looks so beautiful, it looks so idyllic. I'm glad they buried him there, he would have liked it there. The man turns and goes away inside, and though Daniel pesters him for further details, he gets none.

"Daniel? Let's just go there. I want to see the place"

I was rather surprised that came from me. Daniel is still holding my arm, but I shrug it off. I feel better now, the old training coming back. I signal to the other team and they fall in silently behind us. In a way we knew this trip might be nothing more than a visit to a gravesite, but I never, ever let myself think it.

We walk through the gentle wood, and with each step I feel stronger, and more aware. Is this acceptance? It doesn't feel like it. Something is strange. I have a strange swell of emotion in my chest, but I can't identify it. We leave the trees and step onto the gentle slope of grass and look up the hill as birds sing proud songs around us. Daniel smiles a little, and I know he thinks this is a fitting place to rest, but I'm casting my head around as if I'm searching for something.

Oh God. Oh God I want to run. I don't know why, but I feel this impending...something...My brain has made some connection that it hasn't seem fit to inform me of yet, but I feel a pressure behind my eyes, telling me to hurry...hurry! But...but they said...

He's dead Sam, he's gone. Please stop it.

The meadow slopes gently uphill, and on the top is a ramshackle run down building, more of a shed than anything else really. It's all boarded up and it really doesn't look inhabited. Why is my bre