"Anything But" by Jo R.

TITLE: Anything But.

AUTHOR: Jo R.

CATEGORY: Angst, Vignette

CONTENT WARNINGS: Very angst-y thoughts

RATING: R for angst levels.

SEASON / SEQUEL: Season Two, Post-ep for In The Line of Duty

SPOILERS: In the Line of Duty, various others.

SUMMARY: Sam’s thoughts before Cassandra visits her.

ARCHIVE: Heliopolis, SJA, and Shipperworld. Anywhere else, please ask first.

STATUS: Complete.

DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime / Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. No copyright infringement is intended. No money is being made. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. Not to be archived without permission. Feedback and constructive criticism most welcome, flames are not.

AUTHOR’S NOTES: I don’t know where this came from, I sat down and it just happened. Way more angst than I’ve ever written before so it probably doesn’ t make sense at all and it probably won’t be any good. Let me know anyway. Dedicated to Jay, for reading it and telling me to post. Thanks, I needed someone to do that.

~*~

As a child, I thought that the world was a beautiful place. I thought nothing could go devastatingly wrong.

Of course, my father left regularly to do his job and ‘defend our country’ but I thought that was normal. I thought that the worst thing that could happen was that he was away for a few weeks, maybe even a birthday or two. It was always okay, though, because I knew he would be back.

When I was thirteen, there was a storm where he was. It was the first time I realised I could lose him. It was the first time I felt my heart really ache inside me.

It certainly wasn’t the last time I felt that way.

My mother died just over a year later. My father was supposed to pick her up, from the airport. She was eager to see us and because he was running late, she took a cab. The cab never reached us. She never got to tell us what her big news was. The cab was involved in a headlong collision. I never wanted to know anything more.

The years went by, I grew up and met friends as well as left friends. Family members departed and lost touch, sometimes sending the occasional Christmas card or phone call. The relationship between my brother and my father, which was never particularly warm at best, suffered as time went on. Mark blamed Dad for Mom’s death and Dad never did anything to change his opinion. They argued, shouting and breaking things, almost every time they were together. If I hadn’t packed my mothers china treasures and put them in storage, I doubt they would have survived.

I thought Jonas was going to help me repair my life, my broken views on life at home. Ironic, now I look back on it. If anything, he tore the little piece of hope I was salvaging even further apart.

For some reason, I created a mask to hide the pain. But it didn’t make it go away, the pain and anguish was still there, inside, churning and eating me inside out. I was too ‘perky’ to be genuine but no one saw through it. No one saw past the smile, no one saw past the pretence, I was just ‘Sam, the one who could always look on the bright side.’

I fought in the Gulf War, flew planes and attacked the opposition. Not because I took any pleasure in it, not because I really wanted to fight, because it was expected of me. My father was disappointed when I didn’t get into NASA, the Air Force was the next best thing. I don’t even think he realised it but because of the problems in his relationship with Mark, I had to be the son and daughter. I had to fill both roles and make him proud enough for the two of us. I never thought I succeeded, I still don’t. Part of me never will, it’s always going to be there, nagging and tormenting me, telling me I let my father down.

I grew up, too fast, I think. Where there had once been a sweet and naïve child, there blossomed a strong and confident woman. Now, there is only me.

I am anything but naïve, anything but innocent. I am anything but strong, anything but confident. Though I pretend to be. That’s all it is. An act, some false, something fake. Maybe I should have become an actress instead, I ’m already an expert.

I could be surrounded by dozens of people and still be alone. Whether they are friends, family or strangers, I would still be alone. Because no one knows me. No one, except the creature that invaded my body and my mind, learning my thoughts and making them it’s own. The nightmares still haunt me, even though that chapter of my life should apparently be closed.

They, my team mates, my friends, visit me daily as I lie in this hospital bed. I’m alone because I won’t let anyone in. I’m alone as I have been since my mother died and I refused to let anyone get close to me. If I let them in, I’ll lose them again. That has been proven time and time again. The moment I start opening up to one of my team mates, be it Daniel, Colonel O’ Neill or even Teal’c, I know that I will come close to losing them on the next mission and will shut myself off to them again.

My heart feels as thought it is almost as cold as the stone walls that surrounded me in that cell. Unfeeling, because I cant risk the alternative. Alone, because I’m too afraid to be anything but distant and on my own.

I’m a shell of the woman I used to be. And it hurts. It hurts a hell of a lot more than I ever thought it could.

Samantha Carter is unreachable, and I know they are blaming it all on the Tok’ra, Jolinar. It’s not it’s fault. But I can’t tell them that and I can only imagine, as I stare at the infirmary wall, what they will say about me when I am forced to move on.

They will say I am bitter. Maybe I will be.

They will say I’m disenchanted. Perhaps that is so.

They will say I am lonely, despite rarely being alone. And that’s is definitely true.

Not by completely by choice, mainly by circumstance, but I’m alone anyway.

Stirring inside me is the smallest once of hope that ever could have existed inside a person. Hope that something, someone will be able to break through the woman I have become and breathe life into what remains of Samantha.

She wants to fight. She wants another chance.

The End of ‘Anything But’.