"Near yet Far: Home is.." By Jo. R.

TITLE: Near yet Far: Home is..

AUTHOR: Jo. R.

EMAIL: Cksgirl_MIA@hotmail.com / Joey@Ram32.freeserve.co.uk

CATEGORY: Angst, S/J UST, General Friendship, Drama, S/J Romance.

CONTENT WARNINGS: Angst, Sam and Jack, Mature themes.

RATING: PG-15 for Mature topics.

SEASON / SEQUEL: Set after season four, possibly mid-season five. Epilogue to 'Near Yet Far'.

SPOILERS: Small spoilers throughout first four seasons and for previous story.

SUMMARY: Epilogue to 'Near Yet Far'. Struggling to adjust to life back on Earth, Sam starts to wonder what home is and where she belongs.

ARCHIVE: Yes to all of these archives: Heliopolis, SJA, Shipperworld, Tanja and Jo's fic world (http://www.angelfire.com/tv/ficworld/default.htm) and Jo's SG-1 fic index (http://www.geocities.com/Joey_r83/sgficindex.htm) Anywhere else, please ask first.

STATUS: Complete.

DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime / Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, Gekko Productions and the cast and crew who bring them alive. No copyright infringement is intended. No money is being made. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of me. The songs used at the beginning and end are not mine and no copyright infringement is meant.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: Feedback of all types welcome at either stated address. Journal entries are interspersed throughout the story and are all from Sam's perspective.

AN 2: This story is set a few weeks after the events of Near Yet Far. If you haven't read that story, this one probably won't make a whole lot of sense. This ISN'T a sequel, it's an epilogue. The sequel will be following this one and will be a *whole* lot shorter.

DEDICATION: Little Miss, who was brave enough to come and see me again. Pepsi, who was brave enough to meet me earlier this summer. Lynn, who was brave enough to read this first. Brave people.. ;)

~*~
" I turned around too late to see the fallen star
I fell asleep and never saw the sun go down
I took your love for granted
Thought luck was always on my side
I turned around too late and you were gone.
So give me one more chance
Darlin' if you care for me
Let me win your love
'Cause you were always there for me
If you care for me,
Be there for me."
~ 'One More Chance', Madonna.
~*~

Moonlight streamed into the room through the open curtains and glinted off the gold locket resting against her skin. Samantha Carter lifted the pendant and held it up to the light, looking at it and pondering its symbolic meaning. Lonely tears stung her eyes as her gaze fell on the empty bed behind her.

Fresh tears made her eyes bright, shining in the moonlight as she stood and walked over to the window, pulling the shirt she'd stolen from Colonel O'Neill even tighter around herself. She had taken to sleeping with the curtains open since returning home. She would often stand at the window, look out at the stars and feel just that little bit closer to SG-1, wherever they were, no matter how far the actual distance. Sam sighed heavily, remorsefully thinking to herself that there always seemed to be distance between them recently, even if they were in some bar or someone's living room catching her up on what she was missing.

She knew she had to shoulder most of the blame for some of the distance between them since her return back to Earth. Gradually, she felt herself pull away from them; guilt, envy and fear playing a big part in the reason why. Guilt for feeling like she did and for keeping it a secret from them, for sometimes longing that they hadn't found her; envy of their ability to do what they wanted and remain doing the job she wished she could go back to; and finally, the fear. Sam wasn't afraid of them hurting her, she was afraid of losing them and their friendship.

Samantha Carter had changed, and she wasn't sure whether it was for the better or for the worse.

Even now, her thoughts dark as she stood staring up at the stars, wondering where amongst them her team was and wishing she was with them, a corner of Sam's mind pondered what it would be like living on Velenthia as she wondered what she would be doing, who she would be with, if she'd remained there.

She hadn't really had a choice in coming back, her new life there had been disrupted with the arrival of SG-1, but she wondered.. if they hadn't found her, would she be as happy as she had been? Would she be more content than she was here, alone, in her house, feeling as though she had been abandoned on a desolate planet?

It was the house she'd left behind all those months ago. Sam had been surprised to find nothing had changed, that her team mates had kept paying her bills – she suspected the Colonel played a bigger part in that than he let on – and had kept everything nice and neat and in its place. Almost like a shrine to her. It was.. eerie, in one sense. It was the only place, the only thing that was as she remembered it. Like it was the only space on Earth unaffected by the movement of time.

It was her house, the place she'd been dreaming of returning to and yet.. Somehow.. It wasn't home. Not any more.

There was a nagging twinge of longing for something more that she buried somewhere deep inside her. There were the small insecurities that hadn't existed before she'd left on that fateful mission with SG-1 but that were now there after coming back to the place she'd dreamed of being for months.

There was the fear her friends would stop being so understanding about what she'd had to do to survive. As it was, Sam was already having trouble coming to terms with the fact she was back at the SGC, an equal person with all of the rights she'd missed whilst on Velenthia. It didn't help matters much that someone – she suspected Captain Gardam – had been spreading rumours about her life there. Well, they weren't really rumours. They were facts, but facts Sam would have preferred to keep concealed.

She had seen the looks and heard the whispers as she passed people in the corridors in her first week back. She had tried to tell herself she was imagining the way some of the men were looking at her as though she were still a courtesan and available if they offered the right person the right amount of money. The final straw had come when one of them had walked in on her – accidentally, of course, – whilst she'd been in the process of changing in the locker room. After apologising, the guy had openly leered at her, got too close, made one suggestive comment too many that had been overheard by her former team mates – as had the waver in her voice as she'd said no – and the next thing she knew, the guy was being escorted to the infirmary after Teal'c had forcefully shown him the door.

After that, she'd asked General Hammond if she could take some leave. He'd been concerned at how shaken up she'd appeared and his concern had been her undoing. She had broken down right there in front of him in his office, despite all her attempts at restraining herself. He'd been sweet about if, of course. Offering her a tissue etc. But he wasn't comfortable with it. It wasn't something he'd been expecting, especially not from her. Two days later she'd had a call from Janet, asking if she'd meet her at the infirmary for some tests. That wasn't so bad. It was the fact that during the tests, Janet had subtly mentioned the General's concern, a concern that was held by all of her team mates and the petite Doctor herself, that Sam had some unresolved issues around being uprooted from one planet and taken back to another. When Janet had suggested Sam make an appointment with Doctor Mackenzie, Sam just stood up and left.

Three days later she'd heard that Janet couldn't pronounce her fit for active duty so General Hammond was reliving her of all duties concerning the SGC until a time when he was satisfied she could handle the responsibility of her job. She hadn't been back to the SGC since, and that was over two weeks ago.

Colonel O'Neill had become a regular visitor, turning up whenever SG-1 was based on world. If the team were on downtime, he'd bring Teal'c and Daniel with him. It was through him that she'd learnt Captain Gardam had been rewarded her place on SG-1 until further notice. Then again, as Sam had told him when he'd broken the news to her, it was as much Gardam's place as it was hers. Now, anyway.

Jack, as she called him in her thoughts since officially he wasn't her Commanding Officer anymore, had done his best to assure her it was only temporary. Sam, however, wasn't so sure. She tried to look to the future but all she could see were even more uncertain clouds skirting the horizon. More darkness, more doubt. More pain.

They hadn't spoken about the mutual confessions made on Velenthia. They were swept under the carpet just like the confessions they'd made so long ago in the company of a Tok'ra, two friends and a machine both had come to hate. Almost everything about her life on Velenthia was kept quiet, something no one dared speak of. If it weren't for Evelyn and Nicholi, Velenthia and Sam's life on it would probably cease to exist, in memory and reality.

Maybe she should have stayed, maybe they should have let her burn at the stake. In death she wouldn't have felt this alone. She wouldn't have felt this pain and lack of belonging. She wouldn't be putting distance between herself and her friends because she felt ashamed of herself and dreaded the day they would, too. She wouldn't be left wondering just what the word 'home' meant and where hers was. She wouldn't be left with the intense and over-whelming need to just *belong* somewhere. She wouldn't.. She wouldn't be suffering here in silence in the home of a woman who was now a stranger to her.. She would be free..

She banished the thoughts from her mind as she got back into bed, pulling blankets up and around her until she had encased herself in a soft cocoon. Sleep still refused to come. Sam buried her head in the soft pillows and felt the silent tears fall from her eyes and soak the material.

The fragment of something someone had said came back to haunt her as she wept for all that was lost and all that remained for her to lose. " Just because you don't see or hear them, it doesn't mean they're never there. Silent tears are more painful than those that are openly displayed."

And in the dead of night, alone, as a chill that had nothing to do with the cold and everything to do with loneliness wrapped its self around her in a suffocating clinch, Sam knew it was true.

~*~

Date Unknown.

This journal was a gift from the King of Velenthia. I have no idea what his name is other than 'the King' or 'your Majesty' but it doesn't really matter. Not really. All that matters is that I finally have some way of relieving the tension of suppressing my thoughts and of being unable to voice them. Colonel O'Neill always said I thought too much. I'll have to remember to tell him he's right next time I see him.

*If* I ever see him again.

I've lost all track of time. Belethia's days were unbearably long and hot and the nights were just the same: long and hot in a suffocating manner. I shared a room with three other women; I don't know where they were taken. As far as I can tell, I'm the only new 'purchase' to be brought to Velenthia this time around. Some guy who called himself Lord Akima thought the King would find me pleasing.

So many thoughts and fears whirled through my head at that. Pleasing for what? Pleasing to the eye? The men on Belethia did a good job of making me feel like nothing more than a piece of meat for them to ogle. The last thing I need is to be stuck on another planet, light-years from home, with a bunch of drunken idiots leering over me. Unfortunately, it seems that's what I've got. Only worse.

The King isn't like that. He took me aside to his private study – something that made me wary but he didn't try anything, surprisingly. He told me he sensed something different about me, something I had that no other woman he'd met had. Not a great chat-up line but it was a start of something, I guess.

There was a painting hanging over the fireplace and I asked him about it, about the woman who looked down on me with mischief in her eyes. She was his wife, he told me, the Queen of Velenthia until the day she died. He still loved her, that much was obvious. There was such pain and longing in his eyes when he talked about her.. I want someone to love me like that someday. Someday when I'm home, preferably.

Anyway, the King explained where we are and that he has control and power over the planet. He also told me what I'm here to do. I was brought to this planet to be a courtesan. I will join other women in sleeping with men for money. A prostitute. Basically, that's what I'll be if I stay here, which is why I want to leave. *Now*. I *will* leave eventually, I know that much. I just need some time to figure out how to get out of this planet and to the Stargate without being seen. I need to figure out where the Stargate is before I can do that, though. Then I'll have to 'gate to one of the other planets we've been to – I remember the glyphs of Tollana so I'll probably go there and ask them to help me home or take me to the Tok'ra. If Dad has any idea what's happened to me, he'll be worried.

I hope Selmac's taking care of him. Whenever one of the soldiers under Dad's command would go missing, he'd be a wreck until he heard something about them. I remember being terrified he was going to do something stupid and get himself killed. He gets.. reckless when he's worried. He always did, according to Mom before she died.

For obvious reasons, I was disgusted at the whole idea of being a courtesan – even if they are the most well-read and sought after woman on the whole damn planet. The King saw how I reacted and gave me the same stern look my father's given me more times than I care to remember. The one that said he didn't want to have to say it but that I'd done something that warranted him having to. I *hate* that look.

The only other option open to me, other than being a courtesan, is death. The King will not grant me asylum here in his palace unless I accept the duties given to me. If I said no, I would have been thrown out onto the streets and left to die or worse. The only *real* choice I could make was saying 'yes', which is what I did.

So now I'm here, in a small cramped room I'm told is my own, wondering what I've done. Wondering what I've agreed to.

I'm rationalising my decision, it's the only way I can believe it was the right decision to make. If I'm ever to escape and go home, I have to be alive to do so. Therefore, I should do whatever I have to survive.

No matter what it is.

~*~

The loud knock on the door to her office signalled the return of SG-1 from their post-mission debriefing. Half-sighing and half-smiling having been anticipating their arrival, Doctor Janet Fraiser closed the leather-bound journal and hid it in the top drawer amongst the paperwork there.

" Come in," she called out, closing the drawer as quietly and discreetly as she could. Sam had given her the journal in confidence and Janet had only just found the time to start reading it. From what little she had gathered, the journal was a chronological diary of everything Sam had been through in the months she had spent away from Earth and Janet doubted Sam would have given it to her if she'd through for even a moment that the journal would fall into the hands of her former team mates.

Predictably, in walked the three remaining original members of SG-1 and Janet's attention was diverted; Colonel Jack O'Neill, Doctor Daniel Jackson and Teal'c stepped in, closing the door behind them. " Hey, Doc." Jack gave her a cursory nod, leaning against a filing cabinet in an attempt to look nonchalant. " So, how'd it go?"

" It didn't," she replied flatly, immediately knowing what he was referring to – their great but not-so-great-in-hindsight plan to get Sam to leave the confines of her self-imposed prison. " She blew me off," Janet continued as Daniel sighed and helped himself to a cup of coffee. Teal'c stood with his back against the door, arms folded across his chest as he listened intently. " She even turned Cassandra down. Sam said she was busy and that she'd call us as soon as she had some time."

" She hasn't called, has she?" Daniel's tone was one of frustrated defeat, contrasting with his ever-hopeful eyes. Janet shook her head and sighed heavily. " Damn it." Daniel slammed his cup of coffee down so hard the hot contents spilled onto his hand. Wincing, he snatched his hand up and cradled it, his anger decreasing as the pain of being scolded set in. " Sam could *never* turn Cassandra down. I don't get why she's acting like this. She was.. normal.. on Velenthia."

" There is no 'normal' classification when it comes to the Tau'ri, Daniel-Jackson." Teal'c gave the archaeologist a confused glance. " It was you who stated each member of the Tau'ri is an individual."

" Yeah.." Daniel grudgingly let Janet pull his hand away from his chest so she could expect it. " What I meant was Sam was behaving like herself on Velenthia."

" No she wasn't," Jack cut in, his tone brusque. " She changed when she was there and she knew it. She.. Carter told me she wasn't sure she'd be able to fit back into the way the SGC works.. She has changed, Daniel, and she was aware of it. The Carter we used to know wouldn't seclude herself fin her house and she wouldn't turn down Cassie. If Carter was the same person we used to know, she'd be back in her lab, playing with all her doohickeys by now."

" Physically, she's fine," Janet chimed in. " But mentally and emotionally.. She is *far* from fine. Sam's been though a lot since starting here.. this was just the triggering fact of a long-time-in-coming mental and emotional breakdown. Unless she lets us help her, a physical breakdown won't be too far behind."

" You believe Major Carter is mentally unstable?" Teal'c asked the question that played on the minds of his team mates.

" Yes, I do." Janet nodded, refusing to take back the statement under the glares she received from both Jack and Daniel, knowing that the sooner they left their sanctuary of denial, the sooner they would be able to help Sam recover. " You have to accept it. After everything she's been through.. it would be a miracle if she came out on the other side of it all with a smile on her face. I've seen this coming. Sam is good at hiding how she feels, especially when something's bothering her. Denying how she feels can only help her get through it for so long.. There will eventually be a point when denying how much she's been through just isn't an option anymore."

" Well.. She's just.." Daniel's voice trailed off as he realised he didn't have an argument. " We've all.. um.. been through a lot of.. stuff. The rest of us aren't on the verge of breakdowns so why should Sam be?"

" That's a matter of opinion," Janet murmured, mostly to herself as she took her seat again after reassuring herself Daniel's injury was nothing serious. " Sam has been living on another planet for just under a year," she spoke up. " The rest of you haven't, unless I missed something." Seeing their doubtful and disbelieving faces – and the stubborn denial in Jack's eyes, Janet sighed inwardly. She knew that, in his eyes, Sam was perfect. Not in the perfect beauty-perfect woman way but Jack had always put her on a pedestal as though she were some kind of unreachable figure who could do no wrong. It would be difficult, Janet realised, for him to admit the invincible Major Carter was actually a mere mortal just like the rest of them; the only difference was that Sam had put a lot of effort into trying to appear unflawed and able to handle anything – a lot of effort that had made her guise believable. " Think about it from her point of view," Janet urged. " She was taken from the life she knew and loved here and forced into another life on another planet. If she didn't at least try to fit in, she would have been left to die. Sam accepted Velenthia as her home, even if she doesn't want to admit it, and allowed herself to start to think of it as a replacement home to that she had on Earth. Then she was taken from Velenthia just as suddenly as she was taken from you and has to fit in all over again on another planet. Sam has a lot of issues to deal with before she can come back to the SGC."

" You mean before you deem her fit to return?" Jack retorted sharply, his eyes narrowed as his arms remained crossed over his chest even as he straightened.

Sighing audibly, the petite doctor prepared herself for a confrontation or at least his anger. " As I've explained, Colonel, General Hammond asked for my professional opinion and I gave it to him. Until Sam is able to trust people readily again, her being here will be hazardous to not only her own welfare but potentially to those around her.." Her voice came to a halt.

Jack was gone.

The door to her office swung open as Daniel and Teal'c stared after him. Tearing his gaze away from the place their friend had been, Daniel shrugged apologetically at Janet as she willingly sunk deeper into her chair.

" He'll come around," Daniel murmured reassuring, although he didn't sound as convinced as he aimed to be. " It's just hard on him, not having Sam there to back him up. He'll come round eventually."

" I hope so." Janet sighed heavily. " I think he might have to."

His acceptance of the situation would be the start of the solution, that she was almost certain of. The problem was, did they have the time he needed to reach that level of understanding to spare?

~*~

Date Unknown.

Oh God.

I thought I had prepared myself. I thought I would go and do what I had to do and think no more of it. I thought I could handle it.

God, I was wrong.

The sun is just rising over the city. I haven't been the bed yet. I wouldn't be able to sleep even if I tried. I feel too ashamed, too dirty. Too sick to even contemplate it. I had my first 'appointment' last night. That's what they're called, when the King sends a courtesan to see someone. I had my first last night, and I wish it was my last. Maybe I was wrong before, maybe dying on the streets is preferable to this. It feels like it at the moment.

I don't remember his name, I was too nervous to really pay attention to the King when he told me about him. I spent every second of every hour hoping and praying SG-1 would show up and rescue me just in time.

No such luck.

If I think about it, it wasn't that bad. The guy was pretty much gentle, he didn't rush me or anything. It just sickens me to know what I had to do tonight, and to know that I'll have to do it again, just so I can guarantee myself some degree of safety in the palace until I can get out of here.

I couldn't stop thinking of the people I'd left back on Earth, and what they'd think of me if they knew. Disgusted, I think. Probably appalled and almost definitely revolted. Just like I am about myself. I never thought I would do this, that I would sink to these levels. I never imagined when I heard or read about prostitutes that I would become one.

And that's what I am now. No matter how much sugar-coating I put on it, no matter how much I try to convince myself I had no choice.. It doesn't change anything. I'm no different to the rest of them, selling their bodies in order to live.

Dad would be so disappointed. If he ever finds out, he'll be so ashamed of me. So will General Hammond and Colonel O'Neill.. And possibly Daniel, Janet and Teal'c. Part of me hopes I never get found and never find my way home. At least that way no one will know how I've let them down.

No one will know what a disappointment the unbreakable Major Carter turned out to be.

No one will know how weak I've become.

~*~

General Hammond sat at his desk, review SG-12's mission reports. His heart wasn't in it, though. He kept being distracted by thoughts of the woman who refused to return his phone calls, the daughter of his friend whom he had sworn to protect, another life the work done at the SGC had effectively destroyed.

The knock at the door was a welcome distraction as he pushed the reports to the side and crossed his hands on the desk in front of him, waiting eagerly for his visitor to enter.

All thoughts and hopes of a distraction vanished as Colonel O'Neill stepped into the small office, closing the door behind him.

Trying to appear unaffected by the loss in Jack's eyes, General Hammond watched as Jack helped himself to a chair. " What can I do for you, son?"

" I was wondering if you'd heard anything from Major Carter, Sir," Jack answered directly, getting straight to the meat of the matter as it were. " You said you were going to see if she was okay, if she needed anything. I was wondering if she'd said anything about coming back to the SGC?"

" Colonel." General Hammond sighed. " I'm sorry, I know how much you and SG-1 want Major Carter back on the team but she isn't ready. To be perfectly frank with you, I'm not sure she ever will be."

Jack shifted uncomfortably in his chair. " Sir?"

" I personally rang Major Carter five times while SG-1 were away," the General informed him sadly. " Three out of those five times, I reached her answering machine. The first two times she told me she was busy and would call me back when she had a spare minute."

" She told Doctor Fraiser the same thing," Jack murmured glumly, mainly to himself.

General Hammond nodded. " Doctor Fraiser told me she was concerned so I decided to go and see Major Carter in person." He paused uneasily. " To put it mildly, she didn't welcome my interference. Major Carter is not dealing with the situation as well as we hoped she would, Jack. I honestly can't see her making the dramatic turnaround she needs to make in order to be able to return to the SGC anytime soon."

Jack's eyes narrowed, his posture defensive. " So you're giving up on her, too? Just like Doc. Fraiser? Carter *can* pull through this, and she will. She *has* to."

" I know you want to believe that, son," General Hammond told him softly. " We all want to believe she'll come through this one okay but it isn't that simple. Her time on that planet has destroyed her trust in other people. She cannot return to the SGC unless she can rely and depend on her colleagues. You know trust is something all SGC personnel need to work here, trust is *imperative* in this line of work. One officer who doesn't trust another can cost a dozen soldiers their lives. I cannot and will not allow that to happen here. As much as I want Major Carter back, until I believe she is truly ready, I can't authorise it. Nor can Doctor Fraiser." He met Jack's accusatory gaze evenly. " I'm not giving up on her, Jack. Heaven knows that is the last thing I want to do."

" She'll be fine," Jack mumbled, as though he were trying to convince himself of the fact, as he got to his feet. " Carter will pull through. She always does."

Without saying anything further, and without waiting to hear anything more, Jack left the office and closed the door behind him, his thoughts focused single-mindedly on his destination. General Hammond leaned back in his chair, his hands rubbing his temples. How much longer, he wondered, could he just sit on the sidelines and watch as the people he had grown to care about fell apart around him?

Date Unknown, as always.

I met someone today; someone I think is going to become a good friend.

Her name is Evelyn Gremick, and she's a courtesan. She's only seventeen life cycles old – that translates into being seventeen years old I think – and yet she is a courtesan. The youngest I've seen, and, according to Karalynn, the woman who has been ordered to be my aide, she is the youngest courtesan there ever has been at the palace.

Karalynn introduced us, and Evelyn spent the day with me in the palace gardens. We talked a lot, about where we came from and our friends and families. Well, we talked about my friends and family; Evelyn doesn't seem to have any.

She was born into the life of a courtesan. Her mother was one, and it was only natural that she should assume the role when she was old enough. No doubt her mother, if she'd stayed around to watch her daughter grow up, would have been proud.

Evelyn's Mom left when she was just a child. Evelyn has no real recollection of her, unlike me. I still remember everything about my mother – I think I'd have gone crazy if I didn't. Evelyn wasn't as lucky as me, though. Her father was one of her mother's lovers and therefore had no interest in her. Her mother had an addiction – to something that sounds suspiciously like drugs – and cared more about feeding that addiction than she did her own daughter. She sold the rights to her daughter's life to the Queen when Evelyn was only a few moon-cycles – that's months on Earth – old and ran away shortly after with one of her lovers, possibly Evelyn's father, and never returned.

Evelyn was abandoned.

Because of the Queen's agreement with Evelyn's Mom, Evelyn stayed around courtesans. She was passed from one to another, Karalynn said, because none of them wanted her. I'm glad she's too young to remember that. It's one thing to know your own mother left you, another to know no one else wanted you either.

Karalynn took over watching Evelyn when the Queen died, only because she didn't want to see Evelyn being thrown onto the streets and because all courtesans were then offered protection from the King and ordered to move into the palace. Living here was the better alternative for Evelyn, just as it possibly was for me. From what I can see, Evelyn has never let Karalynn get close to her. I think she's probably afraid if she does, Karalynn will leave. She should know not everyone is like that. She shouldn't have been put in this place to begin with.

What gets me most about the whole situation is that Evelyn thinks it's okay. She knows no better. She was born into this life, with the purpose of being brought up as a courtesan to do the work a courtesan does.. She hasn't even had the chance to see if she can be more. She hasn't had any opportunities to prove herself as being more than just a pretty face.

In a strange way, Evelyn reminds me of Cassandra. Maybe that's why I'm so 'attached' to her. Maybe that's why I took her under my wing, no questions asked. There's a naivety about her, a gentleness that reminds me so much of the young girl Cassandra used to be. A young girl who's been through more than a child should have to go through. If they ever meet, Cassandra and Evelyn would probably be the best of friends. I hope I get to prove that theory at some point.

Along with making new friends, I seem to have made a few enemies. A man called Lord Jalen being the first.

Evelyn was 'entertaining' at a gathering of men in one of the palace's meeting halls. From what Karalynn's told me, they're regular meetings where courtesans are asked to attend in case one of the men in attendance decide they don't want to go home to their wives. Evelyn was one of the unfortunate few to have been chosen by the King this time.

It was late when I realised she hadn't come back. I'd been engrossed in reading one of the books the King had given me on our last meeting – one of the ones from his library I'd noticed when I was summoned there to talk to him. When I realised she was gone, I went to see if I could find her. I did, but unfortunately, I found Lord Jalen, too.

He was drunk, completely and utterly. As I was ushering Evelyn out of the room, he made a move on me and tried to pull me down onto his knee. My military training must have kicked in because the next thing I knew, he was nursing a red cheek and I was holding a sore hand. His companions, who were equally drunk, found my refusal to be amusing and broke out into laughter.

Lord Jalen didn't find the situation funny at all.

He glared at me with such anger and menace.. I don't think anyone's ever glared at me with so much heat before. It still chills me to think of the look in his eyes, even now as I sit at my desk writing in his journal.

I made a friend in Evelyn today, but I also made an enemy in Lord Jalen. He was the wrong man to cross paths with, that I know, but I guess only time will tell just how big of an enemy he is.

~*~

The lights were off and there was no one home.

Jack used the key he knew was hidden under the table on the porch to let himself into her house. Worry and anger, concern and panic all fought to reach the surface as he methodically searched every room in Sam's house, hoping to find her curled up somewhere fast asleep.

He didn't find her, and he eventually had to admit defeat and reach the conclusion that she wasn't there. Then where the Hell was she? Jack helped himself to a beer from the fridge – probably a leftover from the four-pack he and Daniel had brought over a week ago – and sat down on the couch, reaching for the remote control. As far as he knew, Sam hadn't left the house since returning from the SGC after her last medical with Doc. Fraiser – all her groceries were delivered because he'd taken care of it for her, concerned she'd forget to eat while he was away.

Finding nothing on TV that could hold his attention for longer than five minutes, Jack got up again and paced restlessly. The blinking red light caught his eye so he wandered over to the answering machine, his curiosity getting the better of him as he pressed the play button.

" You have fifteen new messages," the computerised voice intoned.

Frowning, Jack rewound the tape and sat back down on the couch, tapping his fingers off the cool surface of the beer bottle. He took a swig of the lukewarm liquid and prepared himself for a long wait, telling himself over and over that Sam would be home soon, and that she could look after herself.

With one eye on the clock, and the other on the muted television, Jack waited, and slowly gave in to sleep.

~*~

At just before 2 o'clock in the morning, he was awakened by the sound of keys jingling in the lock and the door to Sam's house opened. Rubbing his eyes, Jack glanced to the clock as he stood on unsteady feet, his eyes widening in surprise at the time as he turned to see the person who had just came in.

" Colonel." Sam didn't look surprised to see him there; her face expressionless and her tone detached. She shrugged out of her leather jacket and hung it up with an eerie calm that he found unsettling. She didn't seem effected by his presence, nor did she seem to know what time it was. " Is there something I can do for you?"

" Yeah." Jack refused to be put off by her offhandedness. " You can tell me what the Hell you think you're playing at and where you've been."

" Excuse me?" Sam turned to face him, her attention captured as she arched an eyebrow at the brusqueness of his voice. " What I think *I'm* playing at? You're the one who's in *my* house at two in the morning without being invited. What do *you* think *you're* playing at?"

" I'm playing at being a friend, you might not remember what that means," he retorted bitingly. He approached her quickly, taking hold of her arm when he sensed she was going to walk away from him. " Now where have you been?"

Trying to shake herself free, she glared at him icily. " It's none of your damn business where I've been! Now let go of me and get out of my house!"

" No." Jack shook his head resolutely and tightened his grip almost painfully on her arm. He stared into her unyielding eyes and felt anger well inside him, taking over the panic he'd felt at her absence. " Damn it, Carter! There were fifteen messages on your answering machine. Doc and General Hammond have been worried sick about you! You can't keep shutting us out like this!"

" Why not?" Sam wanted to know, roughly pulling her arm free of his grasp and moving quickly out of arms reach. " It's *my* life, Colonel. Not yours."

" I know that but that doesn't stop us from being concerned about you," he responded, lowering his tone as hers rose, wondering briefly how rapidly the situation had deteriorated. He hadn't come here to argue with her. That was the last thing he'd wanted to do. " If you're not careful, they're going to stop caring. It's hard on you, we know that, but it's hard on us, too."

Folding her arms across her chest, she walked over to the window and stared out at the deserted street before her. " I never asked any of you to care," she told him softly, bitterly. " I never gave you permission to demand answers from me at 2 o'clock in the morning or intrude in my life."

" I'm here because I care," he answered carefully, taking a step closer. " Last time I checked, you don't ask people to care about you. They just do."

" Well I don't need you to," Sam murmured, whirling round to face him, the unreadable expression she wore enough to stop him in his tracks. Her eyes were dull, almost lifeless; the sparkle that was usually always there was gone. " I don't need you to keep coming round to check on me, Colonel. I don't *want* you to come round anymore."

" Sam.." Jack took a hesitant step towards her, stopping when she held up a hand and shook her head. " Carter, this is stupid. You should be grateful I care enough to come round and don't just join the others in leaving countless messages for you to ignore."

A sad, sardonic smile played on her lips as she looked at him in a manner that was almost pitying, as if she knew something he didn't. " But you don't care, Colonel. That's the problem." She wrapped her arms around herself comfortingly. " None of this is about caring, you never cared."

" Then what the Hell am I doing here?" Jack asked, confusion written all over his face as he tried to make out the expression in her eyes in the dim light that filtered in from the world outside. " If I don't care, why am I here?"

" You feel guilty," Sam informed him simply. " You feel responsible for me being taken in the first place. That's the only reason you're here, Jack. Quit fooling yourself. You're here to make yourself feel better about what happened. I know it, and so do you." She gave him a challenging glance, daring him to deny it. " I don't need you to get through this, Colonel. I never have done before. I'd prefer it if you left now, and didn't come back."

Jack, struggling to catch up and believe what she was saying, stared at her in open-mouthed surprise for a few seconds. " I.. What? Come on, Sam, you know that's not.."

" Not true?" Sam gave a short, humourless laugh. " You don't feel guilty?"

He shifted uncomfortably beneath her intense scrutiny. " Well, I guess I kind of do.."

" There is nothing for you to feel guilty about," she cut him off. " I don't need you here out of guilt or pity. I don't *want* you or any of the others feeling as though you have to check up on me because of the relationships and friendships we once had. Those relationships are gone now. They don't matter. I have my life, and you have yours. They're no longer involved with one another so it would be best if you go."

Her words hurt. She dismissed the four years they'd spent together within a matter of moments, and she didn't flinch once. It didn't seem to bother her in the slightest.

Wordlessly, Jack picked up the jacket he had discarded earlier on in the evening and walked out. He left without looking back; he got in his car and drove away without glancing at the window.

If he had done, he would have seen pain that was identical to his own reflected in Samantha Carter's eyes.

Sinking to the floor beside the window once the taillights of his car were out of sight, Sam curled up into a ball, as tightly as she could as she withdrew into herself. Noiseless tears ran down her face as silence filled the room, the air still and undisturbed as loneliness set in.

She hadn't wanted to believe it but Jack had proved it to be true.

He didn't care for her, none of them did. It was guilt and pity that bound them to her, and despite feeling well and truly alone, Sam was glad she had let them go. She didn't want their pity, she didn't want them to be with her because they felt they had to be.

She had needed more than that, she had wanted to hear it was more than that, but she hadn't. Her suspicions had been confirmed, and now she had nothing.

~*~

Date still Unknown.

I seem to be settling in here okay. This is the second 'moon-cycle' I've been here and it's not as bad as I was expecting it to be. The people are friendly – apart from the other courtesans – and Evelyn and Karalynn have definitely become close friends of mine. So has, surprisingly, the King, who made a deal with me yesterday – if I spend my time keeping him company in his library or study, he'll arrange it so I have the minimum amount of 'appointments' each week. It suits me fine; I'd prefer to spend an evening by the fire in his company, reading to him, rather than in the company of one of the guys I've seen coming to the courtesan's wing of the palace.

Velenthia is an okay place to be. It's certainly not the worst planet I've been on since joining the SGC. In fact, I think it's probably favourable to stay here rather than on Simarka, where the Shavedi were. At least women here get a little respect and aren't treated so much like possessions.

It's nice here, but it doesn't compare with Earth. There's no way life on Velenthia could compete with life at home. There are so many things I'm starting to miss – the little things, the things I took for granted when I was home: the taste of ice cream or diet coke; chocolate and sweet popcorn; watching television and movies and listening to music whenever I feel like it..

And then there are the serious, not-so-little things I miss. The people and the places, the aspects of Earth that would be irreplaceable, no matter where I was. My father and family; I can't stop wondering where they are and what they're doing. I worry about Selmac not taking care of Dad, and I wonder if Mark and Tiffany have decided yet whether they're going to try for another child or stick with the two great kids they've got.

My friends. I miss Janet and Cassandra; I miss seeing Janet at lunch times in the commissary to catch each other up on the days latest gossip. I miss hearing about what Cassandra's doing at school and I miss listening to her tell me about the cute guy who sits in front of her in English and how he turned round and looked at her when he reached over to pick up the pen he'd dropped.

I miss my team. I wonder if Daniel's got himself into any more accidents and has managed to add a new scar to his impressive and ever-growing collection. I miss seeing the childish excitement in his eyes when he's on the verge of discovering something. I miss Teal'c standing over us all, protecting us. I miss seeing him try to work out what an Earth phrase means and I miss seeing him deliberately say something to catch the Colonel off-guard. I miss Colonel O'Neill and the way he would bug me when he was bored on a mission. I miss him trying to make me laugh, I miss seeing the sparkle in his eyes when he's teasing one of us.

I miss the nights we'd all go out or converge on someone's house without being invited. I miss hearing the laughter and seeing the winks and smiles.

I miss being part of their team, part of their family.

The King, Evelyn and Karalynn can offer me a lot of things – friendship, security, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to bend but they can't offer me what I want and need most.

They can't give me the things I miss or the people I care about, and that's the only thing stopping Velenthia from becoming my home.

~*~

A week later, Evelyn and Nicholi Kavise got married in a quiet ceremony in a small chapel close to their new house together. Evelyn made a beautiful bride in an understated way, her pregnancy only just becoming noticeable. Sam was there, predictably, having remained closer to Evelyn and Nicholi than she had to any of her former colleagues. Unfortunately for her, the newly weds had invited the members of SG-1, Janet, Cassandra and General Hammond as a sign of gratitude for helping them get to Earth and settle in once they arrived. The General and Teal'c couldn't attend but the others could, and it was at the wedding that Sam saw them, and they saw her, for the first time outside her house when she had no way of escaping.

" Is that Sam?" Were the first words from Daniel's mouth once the ceremony had ended and the group retired to the Kavise household for the reception. She had arrived late at the wedding, choosing to sit on the opposite side to them, keeping her distance as much as she could. The reception was the first chance they had of getting a good look at her as she stood a few feet away, seemingly in deep conversation with Evelyn.

" Oh my God." Janet's voice echoed Daniel's surprise as she gasped, her eyes locking on the frail figure of their friend. Sam looked pale, and painfully thin. Even from a distance, Janet could see the lines on her face and the red rims beneath her eyes. " She looks terrible."

" Is Sam sick, Mom?" Cassandra spoke up, alarmed at the appearance of the woman who she had once been so close to. " She doesn't look well at all."

Squeezing Cassandra's arm, Janet gave her the most reassuring smile she could muster. " I'm sure she'll be fine, Cassie. She's probably just under the weather."

" I'm not a kid," Cassandra protested. " Tell me the truth. She's not just 'under the weather'. There's something wrong with her, isn't there? More than what you've told me?"

Sighing, Janet looked to Daniel for support, feeling helpless at not knowing what to tell her daughter. " Cassie.." Daniel started, adjusting his glasses where they were perched on his nose. " Sam's been having some.. problems.. getting used to being back at home. She needs a little more time and then she'll be okay again."

" Promise?" Cassandra asked instantly, her eyes hopeful and trusting.

" We promise," Jack responded before anyone else could, his eyes set determinedly on Sam. He, too, was stricken at her appearance, having never imagined his former 2IC could look so ill and fragile. He could kick himself for letting her get like this, he knew more than any of them how little she'd been taking care of herself and yet he'd let her shut him out without must protest. He should have realised getting food delivered to her house wasn't enough. He had been pretty sure she hadn't been eating unless he was there to make sure she did and now he had his proof. " We'll take care of it, Cassandra," he promised the naive teenager, feigning more confidence than he felt. " So don't you worry about it, okay?"

Cassandra nodded, apparently convinced. " Okay." She turned to Janet, their reassurances allowing her to lay the subject to rest for the time being. " Evelyn said I could help her find some things to decorate the nursery with. Can I go shopping with her this afternoon?"

" Sure," Janet smiled and agreed, relieved the topic had been dropped. " Lets go and make sure it's still okay with Evelyn first, though." Smiling her farewells to Daniel and Jack, she led Cassandra over to where Sam and Evelyn were standing apart from the rest of them, noticing Sam tense at their approach but telling herself she couldn't have expected anything different. She knew how Sam was feeling now, or at least she thought she did. The journal in her purse she'd finished reading the night before gave her the impression that she had some idea of what her friend was going through.

Bracing herself, Janet stood beside Sam as Evelyn and Cassandra filled in any uncomfortable silences with amicable chatter, waiting for the opportunity to talk to her friend alone.

~*~

" Colonel O'Neill?" Nicholi approached Jack as Daniel excused himself to get another drink. The young man looked worried about something, so Jack decided not to correct him this time about his name.

" What's wrong, Nick?" Jack asked, using the name they'd decided to give Nicholi to help him fit into the ways of Earth. " Something up with Evelyn?"

Shaking his head, Nicholi smiled affectionately at the mention of his wife. " No, Evelyn is well, as is our child." The anxiety returned to his eyes. " It is Samantha I am worried about. She does not visit as much as she used to. Evelyn is most concerned about her and her appearance. Evelyn believes Samantha has not been eating and is worried she will soon be very ill."

Nodding in acknowledgement of the young couple's concern, Jack's gaze drifted to settle on the woman in question, his voice low to ensure she didn't over hear what they were discussing." Do you still see Carter regularly?"

" No," Nicholi sighed heavily. " Samantha has been pulling away from us. If it were not for Evelyn's fears about having our baby, I think Samantha would stop seeing us all together."

" Just like the rest of us," Jack mused, his eyes narrowing. Sensing Nicholi's confusion, he explained a little. " Carter's been pulling away from us all. She doesn't want anything to do with us or the SGC since she was relieved of duty."

" Samantha's job meant a lot to her," Nicholi gave a one shouldered shrug. " She would often talk to us about your SGC and her team. I cannot believe that she no longer wants to be apart of it."

" Neither can we," Jack agreed with a heavy sigh. " But we can't force her. We've just got to give her time."

He just hoped that time would prove to be as good a healer of emotional and mental wounds as it was said to be with physical ones.

~*~

Sam walked with Evelyn and Cassandra outside to Janet's car. The three women were going to mall; Evelyn and Cassandra to shop for things for the baby, Janet because she was acting like a chauffeur since neither of the others could drive.

" You should come with us," Evelyn urged, giving Sam a sweet, convincing smile. " I am sure you would enjoy spending the afternoon with us."

" I don't know, Evie," Sam rewarded the young girl with a weak smile, leaning quite heavily against Janet's car support. " I've got some.. things.. I need to work out at home.."

" They can wait till you get back!" Cassandra joined in, her eyes bright with enthusiasm. She tugged on Janet's arm. " Tell her, Mom! If Sam comes, you'll have someone to talk to when we're shopping!"

Sam shook her head and pushed herself up unsteadily. " I really don't think.."

Janet cut her off, saddling up to her side and discreetly pushing something into the palm of her hand. " I agree with the girls, Sam. I think it'll be a good idea." She gave Sam an encouraging smile as Sam's eyes fell on the leather bound book she now held in her hand. " It would give us a chance to talk."

Staring down at the book she remembered all too well, Sam swallowed the lump in her throat and nodded. " Okay," she agreed quietly, reluctantly. " I'll go."

Evelyn and Cassandra were thrilled, both beaming as they climbed into the back of the car. Janet, feeling slightly less elated, walked round to her side and got in, waiting until everyone had their seatbelts fastened before starting the engine. Out of the corner of her eye, she watched as Sam tightened her grasp on the journal, her fingers turning white with the pressure as a single teardrop fell from her eye and splashed off the leather surface.

Taking a deep breath, Janet squared her shoulders. No matter how hard it had been for herself or the others to have Sam pull away from them, she knew it was bound to be ten times harder on Sam. Sam had given her the journal for a reason, almost in place of a cry for help, and Janet was determined to help her friend through this.

If she didn't try, what type of friend would that make her?

~*~

Date – Still Unknown.

I want to go home. I want to go back to Earth. I want to be anywhere but here.

I woke up this morning to find out I've been unconscious for fourteen sun-cycles – that's two weeks. I don't really remember much about how that happened or why I ended up here in the palace's exclusive medical bay – I can't say I have any particular desire to know.

What I do remember is sketchy at best. A few days ago, I made the mistake of getting on the wrong side of Prince Taylin, the King's son. I didn't know who he was at the time and he was threatening Jeskia's son with a beating because he wasn't happy with the way Jeskia's son looked at him. I stood up to Prince Taylin and somehow embarrassed him – I guess he isn't used to a woman talking back to him, especially not a mere courtesan.

From what Evelyn has told me, Prince Taylin wasn't happy that the King wouldn't punish me. So he decided to punish me himself.

I vaguely remember him breaking into my room. I remember him coming closer to me, telling me I was going to suffer an adequate punishment for being so insolent. I remember him hitting me and pushing me onto the bed, I remember hitting him back and him swearing when his lip started bleeding. I remember his hands on my neck and the room getting dim. I remember clawing at his face with my fingernails in an attempt to get him to loosen his grip on me. I remember managing to sit up and get some air into my lungs, I remember being pushed back down and cracking my head on the bedpost.

That's when everything went black.

I haven't asked how far Prince Taylin was able to take his punishment before someone heard and interrupted. I honestly don't want to know. The doctors of Velenthia have done a good job at treating my injuries – almost to a point where I wouldn't have been aware that there had been any foul play in my being brought here. It almost feels as though I've been asleep for two weeks and the whole 'adventure' was just one horrible nightmare, there are no scars to prove otherwise.

It isn't what happened or almost happened that bothers me. It's that I couldn't stop it from happening.

I was trained to be an Air Force Officer. I was taught how to look after myself and defend myself in any situation. My training let me down when I needed it. I let the Air Force down when I should have been able to prove I was good enough.

I don't think I've ever been as afraid of something I don't remember as I am now. The unknown, the uncertain.. It's never frightened me before. It does now, though.

It's not just Prince Taylin and what happened with him. Other fears and doubts are starting to plague me. Fears and doubts about being able to find a way back to Earth, and, if I do, about what I'll find waiting for me when I go back. I can't think of the positive things. I'm starting to forget the aspects that made Earth my home, the things that made it different to life on Velenthia.

Both worlds are involved in wars; Velenthia's are less violent and dangerous than Earth's. In fact, the worst war Velenthia has ever had was between two cities, and even then the two sides managed to resolve the issues after signing a peace treaty. It's doubtful Earth will ever sign a peace treaty with the Goa'uld – it's rare for different countries on Earth to be at peace with one another, never mind different planets in the universe.

Besides, who's to say my friends and family haven't forgotten about me? They might have given up the search, given up hope of finding me alive. They might be getting on with their own lives and my return, if I ever return, will only disrupt that.

I want to go home.

But I'm not sure I have a home to go back to.

~*~

Barely seconds after arriving at the mall, Evelyn and Cassandra were engulfed by the crowds of people already swarming in the corridors and hallways. Rolling her eyes at her daughter's enthusiasm, Janet led Sam to a small, out-of-the-way café where they settled down at a table in the corner.

" You want something to eat with your coffee?" Janet asked casually, picking up and pretending to browse the menu. " It's been a long morning," she conversed. " I noticed you ate about as much as I did at the reception and I know I'm famished."

" A coffee on its own would be fine," Sam murmured quietly, her hand resting on her journal. She was well aware of what Janet was trying to do, she knew she had noticeable lost weight and she knew Janet would be worried at the dramatic change in her appearance. She was alarmed, too, but there was little she could do about it.

" Are you sure?" Janet pressed, unwilling to let the subject go without a battle. " The sandwiches here are really nice.."

Sighing, Sam lifted her head to meet Janet's eyes. " You're not going to give up till I order something to eat, are you?"

Janet smiled sweetly and tilted her head to one side. " You know me. My doctor-instincts are kicking in, so sue me."

Sam relented and they waited in uncomfortable silence for their order to arrive. Finally, Sam snapped. " So are you going to say something or are we just going to sit here avoiding bringing it up?"

" I was actually waiting for you to start," Janet replied evenly, taking a sip of her coffee. " It's your journal. You know what's in there. I think you gave it to me so I'd know what was in there, so you would be able to talk to someone who knows what you've been through."

" You know what I did," Sam mumbled eventually. " But do you understand why?"

" Yes, I do." Janet failed to hesitate. " It was necessity. You had no real choice if you wanted to live. But I don't think it's what you had to do that bothers you. It's how you feel about it and how you think the rest of us feel about you now that's causing your problems."

" Very perceptive of you." Sam fidgeted with the packets of sugar on the table, eventually resting her chin on her hands in an attempt at stilling them. " Part of me knows it's stupid," she started softly. " But I can't help it. I feel like.. it feels like what I did is something I should be ashamed of, something I should have been able to prevent."

" But you couldn't." Janet interjected supportively. " You couldn't have prevented being taken to Velenthia. Or being taken away from it."

Sam nodded her agreement and smiled a watery smile. " But knowing that doesn't make it any easier to come to terms with. And it doesn't make me feel any between about the way Gardam and some of the others on base reacted, nor does it fill me with confidence that you guys.."

" That we what?" The doctor pressed as Sam trailed off. " Sam? It doesn't fill you with confidence that we..?"

" That you won't change your minds and start feeling like the rest of them," Sam admitted quietly. " I'm scared that if I let you guys get close.. I'd end up losing you all when it sunk in what I've done. I thought that you'd realise how badly I've let you down and that you'd be disgusted by what I did and want nothing more to do with me."

Janet reached out in time to catch the tear that ran down Sam's face, her warm eyes compassionate. " That will *never* happen, Sam," she swore vehemently. " None of us care what you had to do, the important thing to us is that you're alive and back with us. That's why it hurts us when you pull away. What you had to do.. I.. We.. wish you hadn't been forced to do that but in a way, we're glad you did. We're proud of you for doing something you obviously didn't want to do so you could live because that's all we ever wanted to find – you, alive."

" I didn't mean to push you guys away," Sam murmured as another tear ran down her cheek, her hands shaking as they circled round her mug of coffee. " But I honestly thought it was for the best. I thought you'd be better off without me."

" That's common with severe depression. You start thinking your worthless and start believing the people around you deserve better." She reached out and took hold of Sam's hand. " That isn't true, Sam. You are *not* worthless. If anyone deserves better in this situation, it's you. You're the one who doesn't deserve all you've been through."

" I hate it, Janet," Sam confessed. " I really hate feeling this useless and pathetic. I can't eat without feeling sick, I can't sleep.. I'm always tired. I can't face going outside my house, I'm too scared at what I'll see in the faces of those around me. Even strangers who I know have no idea who I am. I'm scared they'll see something when they look at me and they'll know what I've done."

Squeezing Sam's fingers, Janet smiled reassuringly. " That's all understandable given what you've gone through. I'm sure.. given some time.. you will be able to overcome your depression, Sam."

A wary look crossed her face. " If you're going to suggest I go and see Mackenzie.."

" No," Janet shook her head. " I wasn't going to suggest that, I know that's probably the last thing you want to do. I was going to suggest an alternative method of counselling, one that seems to have already worked for you in the past." Sam looked up curiously. " I'm talking about keeping a journal. Writing down everything that happens and how you feel about it. It obviously helped you adjust and deal with life on Velenthia, I think it could do the same now."

Looking doubtful, Sam looked down at her journal. " You really think so?"

" Yes, I do," Janet told her honestly. " I also think you should try coming to the SGC, try and get used to being there again, get your bearings. You only have to come in for a few hours a day, not necessarily every day, and you can always hang out with me in the infirmary or with Daniel in his office. Or I'm sure Colonel O'Neill wouldn't object to bugging you in your lab for a few hours a day. He's been a little.. lost.. since you've been gone. He doesn't know what to do with himself now, he's even caught up on his paperwork because he hasn't got an excuse to visit the labs without you being there."

" I don't think he'd be as willing as you think," Sam mused with a sigh. " We didn't exactly.. part.. on the best of terms."

" I gathered that from the way he's been this week," Janet answered with a small smile. " He's been pretty distracted, no one's wanted to get in his way. When SG-1 gets back from their mission in a few days time, try talking to him. You don't even have to bring up whatever it is you said when you last spoke to him, just start some casual small talk to let him know you're trying to get back into the general routine of things."

Sam looked uncertain. " You really think this will help me? Writing in my journal and visiting the SGC occasionally?"

" It'll help ease you back into how things are," Janet answered truthfully. " It won't be back to normal over night, but I honestly think it will help you re-adjust to being back after spending so long on Velenthia." She looked hopefully at Sam. " Will you try it? Please?"

Taking a deep breath, Sam looked up. " Okay." She nodded and swallowed her fears and doubts. " I'll give it a go." She took another deep breath, exhaling slowly as Janet smiled reassuringly. Janet obviously believed she could do this. The next step was getting herself to believe.

~*~

08th August.

I'm back on Earth now, and writing in this journal because Janet seems to think it will help me get through this. She said it was an alternative method of counselling – not a method I'd have expected her to recommend in normal circumstances but then I guess these circumstances are exactly normal.

I'm back but it doesn't feel like I'm home, not yet anyway.

A lot of things have happened to get me here, and since it's been months since I wrote anything down, none of them have been mentioned thus far in my journal. To put it in simple terms, after SG-1 arrived on Velenthia, my life there was turned upside down. Evelyn and Nicholi discovered they were going to be parents, Prince Taylin returned and I ended up being married to him so Evelyn could leave. Then he was murdered – by whom, I still don't know – but Colonel O'Neill was the prime suspect so he was set to be executed until Nicholi stepped in and made a false confession. He was saved by Lord Jalen accusing Evelyn and myself of being witches, I convinced the King to let Evelyn go and I was burned at the stake.

Almost.

Thor and Colonel O'Neill showed up at the last moment after I'd lost consciousness.

I'm still confused at what happened, and at what was said. What was said. That's probably one of the hardest parts to deal with – I know it's hard to write. During all of what happened, I got closer to Colonel O'Neill. Closer than a Second-in-Command should get to her Commanding Officer.

We kissed, when he was in his prison cell. He told me he regretted not telling me or showing me how he felt, and that he loved me, and we kissed after I returned the sentiment.

That wasn't the end of it, though. When we were on Thor's ship, watching Velenthia disappear, Colonel O'Neill retracted what we said, blaming the confessions on the intense situation. Okay, so the blaming thing was my idea. It was all I could think of to say when I realised he was uncomfortable with what happened. It hurt to know he was taking it back so I just jumped in and made it look like I agreed wholeheartedly with him..

I didn't agree then. I still don't now.

It really hurt to hear him say it was all unreal, and was all a mistake. It felt like ht was taking what little security I had away from me, like he was taking back the closeness that had developed between us because we were going back to Earth with all the consequences and repercussions of what we said.

It made me feel like he didn't really mean them. That what we went on between us on Velenthia only happened because it could happen without either of us having to face any consequences; we said what we said when we said it because we both knew there would be no time to act on it. The moment we were given the chance to do something about it, he took it all back.

I haven't been to the SGC much in the last month or so. As I'd suspected on Velenthia, Captain Gardam decided to let everyone know what I did on Velenthia. There was some trouble with a guy in the locker rooms and I've been too humiliated to return to the SGC since then. Mind you, I've been relieved of active duty so I really had no point in going back there.

Janet thinks I should go in for a few hours every other day. She said it will help me familiarise myself with the surroundings of the SGC again. I think I'll probably give it a try – I want to get back to being Major-Doctor Carter, the one with a purpose but at the same time, I don't want to lose the person I became on Velenthia. Unfortunately, I seem to have lost that recently, lost the confidence I had there. I'm going to try and get that back, too.

I can't spend my life hiding in my house all day. I've already hurt my friends by doing that, Colonel O'Neill in particular. He was just trying to help, and I told him I didn't need him. I'm going to try and clear the air between us when he gets home from his mission in a few days time. Janet's already cleared it with General Hammond for me to have access to the SGC when I want it so I'm going to go in on Thursday and spend the day with her, waiting for SG-1 to get back.

It's going to be hard and it's going to take time, but I need to do this.

I need to remember what home is, and why Earth is the only home for me.

~*~

The mission was a routine one, and fairly boring at that. Since getting there two hours ago, Daniel had been engrossed in studying the engravings on the ruins of the old temple they'd found and Teal'c had slipped easily into his role of being Daniels' watchdog. Captain Gardam had been annoying Jack, smiling sweetly at him whenever he looked up, accidentally on purpose brushing against him when she walked past him, touching his arm every so often to get his attention even when she had nothing to say.

It was unsettling, to say the least.

" Colonel," Gardam smiled brightly at him as she approached him where he was standing on the edge of the forest. " Is anything wrong? You seem distracted this morning."

" I'm fine," Jack replied instantly, automatically taking a step away from her when she got too close and started invading his personal space. In his mind, a voice told him that she was doing exactly what he and Sam had done when they were on a mission together, standing close away from the others so they could talk in relative privacy or just stand in silence enjoying each other's company. The only difference was, he was comfortable in Sam's presences; most of the time he initiated the closeness, standing nearer than necessary to her as she collected her samples and tried to explain what she was doing. With Gardam, her close proximity just set him on edge. " Isn't there something you should be doing, Captain?"

Gardam gave him a one-shouldered, casual shrug. " Not particularly. Teal'c is keeping an eye on Doctor Jackson, it seems relatively peaceful here.. I was wondering if you'd like to go for a walk in the forest. It's a beautiful day.." She moved closer to him again and gave him a saccharine smile.

" Ah.." Jack took another step back, shifting his weapon to his other hand so he could adjust the weight of it in his arms. " I don't think so, Captain. Why don't you go and see if Daniel needs a hand with taking pictures of those ruins?"

" Is that an order?" Gardam pouted, batting her eyelashes.

" Yes," Jack answered bluntly. He turned away from her and headed into the forest, needing to be alone. " I'm going to check out the surrounding area. I'll be in touch."

Scowling, Gardam watched him go and sighed heavily. Her thoughts brightened as she approached Daniel and Teal'c, telling herself she had nothing to worry about. The latest word on the grapevine was that Sam Carter had closed herself off completely from her former team mates and that returning to the SGC was the furthest thing from her mind. As far as Gardam was concerned, that was a good thing.

A very good thing.

~*~

Jack walked through the quiet trees, his mind elsewhere. He was preoccupied with thoughts of Gardam and Sam, mainly the ones of Sam. He couldn't get the image of her from his mind, how she'd looked at Evelyn and Nicholi's wedding. How pale, how thin, how exposed.

He couldn't help feel responsible for her.

He blamed himself for what she'd been through. He should have stopped her from being taken from them in the first place, he should never have let her go on her own. He should have done more to find her sooner, he should have demanded she be released from the King's ownership the moment he saw it was her. He should have stayed with her and refused to leave without her. He should have done more to convince the King to let her go. He shouldn't have let her push him away so easily once they got back to Earth, he should have fought harder to keep her on SG-1 in the first place.

He should have been there for her when she needed him. He should have refused to leave when she told him to. He should have told her the truth about how he felt.

Distracted by his thoughts and by the guilt that was slowly eating him up inside, Jack didn't see the hole in the ground until it was too late. He couldn't stop in time and lost his balance, falling down the ten-foot drop, landing awkwardly on his leg, twisting his knee as he fell. Swearing as he tried to move and spent slivers of pain up and down his leg in all directions.

" Daniel, Teal'c," he spoke through gritted teeth into his radio. " Can you read me?"

The radio crackled in his hand. " Yeah, Jack," Daniel's voice came through eventually. " We hear you. We were just packing up, I'm ready to go when you are."

" Good," Jack murmured into the radio, closing his eyes as pain shot through his leg. " I had an accident, I'm gonna need some help getting out of here."

Concern immediately filled Daniel's voice. " What kind of accident?"

" I fell down a hole," Jack mumbled, wincing. " I wrenched my knee."

There was a pause as Daniel relayed the information to Teal'c and Gardam. " We're on our way. Over and out."

Silence filled the hole as Jack rested his head against the dirt walls, closing his eyes as he cursed his luck and waited for the cavalry to arrive.

~*~

Sitting in Janet's office, Sam was drinking coffee with the petite doctor when the klaxons sounded. Both women looked up from the magazines they'd been reading, waiting for the klaxons to stop.

" Medical team to the Gateroom," a voice announced. " Medical team to the Gateroom."

Janet needed no further encouragement and was soon racing to the Gateroom, a med kit in hand, with two of her infirmary nurses pulling a gurney behind her. Sam remained sitting in the office, glancing nervously up at the clock. SG-1 was due back anytime. She hoped the emergency in the Gateroom was in no way connected with them.

Ten minutes later, she decided to investigate, having heard nothing from Janet. Cautiously, she left the sanctuary of Janet's office and entered the main part of the infirmary, surprised to see Daniel and Teal'c standing to one side, talking softly. Listening carefully, she could hear Janet's voice from coming inside one of the cubicles that was separated from the rest of the room by a drawn curtain.

" Guys?" Sam took a hesitant step closer to them, frowning lightly when she noticed both Colonel O'Neill and Captain Gardam were missing. " What's going on?"

They turned, both surprised to see her there. Daniel looked shocked for a few seconds but soon grinned and stepped over to her, his concern temporarily forgotten. " Sam! What are you doing here?"

" Janet's idea," Sam answered with a small smile, accepting his hug. " She thinks if I spend some time here every so often, I'll get used to be around so many people again."