"The Letter" By Michelle Birkby

TITLE; THE LETTER

SPOILER'S; NONE

SUMMARY; JACK WRITES A LETTER TO SAM

ARCHIVE; SAM AND JACK, HELIOPOLIS.

SONGOGRAPHY; She by Elvis Costello

"Good weekend Sir?"

"Yes, thank you, Major."

And that's it, we pass each other in the corridor, and that's the extent of our conversation. That's what we should have said. I should have said, "I saw you. I kissed Sara, and I looked up and saw you standing across the street, and you were staring at us. You looked...horrified. Betrayed. Why? Tell me why, Major...Sam?"

But I didn't. Coward that I am, I let it go, and just decide to let you bring it up. I wait and wait, but you don't come anywhere near me. I go to to the lab, and stand in the observation deck, watching you work for two hours. The lab's been made a sterile area, so I can't go in. I just sit, watching you work, calm and capable, the little half-smile on your face when you get it right, the frown when things aren't going your way. Daniel's lab is down the hall. His door is open, and he's playing love songs. Obviously he's in one of his introspective moods, thinking of Sha're, and I don't disturb him. I just watch you, then some words drift out.

I wish..I wish..I wish I could say those to you.

I left you, in the lab, but when I went to find you later, you'd gone. I went to find Janet, but all she would tell me was that you'd gone to Mark's for the weekend.

I shouldn't have kissed Sara. She's moving away, selling the house, and we had to meet up to discuss finances. I sat there, in the diner, opposite her, and I remembered the time before Charlie died. We'd been so happy. So glowing. So joyful. Or had we? Was it really like that? Was I only remembering the good times? Was I punishing myself by remembering what a good thing I destroyed? And I couldn't remember. I couldn't remember anything special that didn't involve Charlie.

Outside, she asked for a kiss, for old times sake. So, for old times sake, I held her close, and kissed her, tight, tenderly, like the old days. But as I kissed her, I knew the old electricity had gone. As I closed my eyes, the face I saw was yours. I wanted you in my arms. And as I pulled away, I looked up, and there you were. Watching me kiss my wife. I tried to go to you, but the traffic was heavy, and you left, and anyway, what would I have said?

"Isn't she your captain?" Sara asked.

"Major now."

She pulled my arm. "Come inside." she said. "I think we need to talk some more."

*****

"Let's pretend." she said. A song was playing on the juke box.

"Let's pretend, for just a little while." she said "That you aren't in the air force. Neither is she. What would happen then?"

"But she is. We both are. And its our lives, Sara. It's who we are."

"Then lets pretend the regulations about fraternisation..."

"Sara..."

"Ssh. You love her, I know. I know that look."

"Sara, I really don't think its a good idea to discuss my lovelife with my ex-wife."

"What love-life?"

I'd forgotten that. How she could slay me with one line. We would sit there all night, swapping sarcasms and bad jokes all night until falling laughing into each others arms, and making love. The laughter stopped after Charlie's death. I'm glad to see her joking again, but a little sad to know its not me who causes her happiness. I miss the laughter, and the jokes, and there's only one person who laughs at my jokes now, who shares my secret little smile of amusement as I wind up generals and bad guys.

"Jack...I've never seen you like this. Not even with me. You're distracted. Your eyes...they're sad, but not devastated like after Charlie. And when you mention her..you come to life."

"Sara, I can't...."

"Can't love her? Why?"

"Have you got a couple of years?"

"Sure."

I smile, thinking of all the reasons I've ever come up with not to kiss my Major, not to love you.

"When it started, it was friendship. I liked her. I respected her. Then...then, I admit, there were brief moments, when I would look at her, and be knocked out by her beauty. She would be trying to explain something to me, and all I could see was her eyes. Then I came to rely on her. I knew I could always trust her. No matter what happened, who we had to fight, what she had to do, I could trust her. Then Daniel said....well, never mind what he said. I started to look at her differently. And I realised, without knowing it, she'd become necessary...she's, oh God, Sara, I don't have the words."

"I know." she said, gently. "Tell me why she doesn't know."

"How could I tell her? Look at me, Sara. I'm hardly Mr Emotionally Stable. And I know she's had enough of the lunatic fringe. And I'm older, going grey...well,not so much going as gone grey. She's young, and lovely, and bright. She could do so much better."

"Maybe she doesn't think so."

"She's never shown the slightest interest. And I will never NEVER force her to know how I feel. She doesn't deserve to have that burden on her."

"I saw her face too." Sara said. "When we kissed. It was like..like she's lost you at the very moment she knew she needed you."

So I came back, to talk to you. But I lost my courage. So I wrote this. And now I'm sitting outside Mark's house in my car, wondering whether or not I should give it to you. Wondering if I should just wait for you to come out, and tell you. But I know, if that happens, I'll never be able to say it. So I've written it. If Sara's wrong, and you don't feel that way, rip up the letter, and never say a thing, and things will carry on as before. But if you care...and I admit the possibilty is remote, and I don't expect you to...I'm out here. Waiting.

The End.