"Danny Lurks 14: Dreaming Of Mary Sue's" by Wendy Parkinson & Vanessa Nichols

Title: Dreaming of Mary Sues

Authors: Vanessa Nichols and Wendy Parkinson

Category: humour, S/J, D/J

Spoilers: minor mentions of Divide and Conquer, Window of Opportunity, The Curse

Season/Sequel info: Set Fourth Season, Fourteenth in the Danny Lurks series, sequel to Everybody's Talking.

Rating: PG

Content Warnings: none, other than extreme silliness

Summary: Ness and Wendy are invited to visit a baby

Archive: "Sam and Jack" and "Dan and Jan"

Date: 11th November 2000

Lyrics from 'Hound Dog' by Elvis Presley and 'YMCA' by the Village People used without permission. No infringement intended.

Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters belong to MGM, Gekko Corp and Double Secret Productions. This fan fiction was created solely for entertainment and no money was made from it. Also, no copyright or trademark infringement was intended. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental.

All feedback and constructive criticism will be greatly appreciated. No flames please.

Author's Notes - Ness: Ok, well I blame Wendy for this one. :) We were actually working on a different DL story, but she went and wrote part 13 *elbows Wendy* which made that one redundant, and told me to think of something else... the rest, as they say, is history! As with our last collaboration, this was a labor of love, a labor of laughter... and a labor of super-quick writing and little sleep! But we had fun, and that's the main thing. I hope you enjoy it! :)

Author's Notes - Wendy: Credit where credit's due - this was Ness' idea and she had it all planned out.... but there was a slight problem with this concept - she didn't really tell me what the plan was! I think that (and all the elbowing) was revenge for me writing Danny Lurks 13. As a result, over the last six days we've written something that's entertained us immensely - I hope you enjoy it too.

For those of you who are interested in this kind of thing (I know *someone* is bound to ask!) - Ness wrote 'a', 'b', 'e', 'f', 'i', 'j', 'k', 'o', 'p', 'q', 'v', 'w', 'x' and the epilogue. I did the rest. But we edited each other so heavily the lines between our parts are now rather blurred.

'Mary Sue' is an original character in a fan fiction, based on the author, who saves the day, is incredibly clever, beautiful and witty, and probably has a romance with the hero. Basically, she's too good to be true.

We try to avoid her.... ;-)

And now, the story...

Introducing... in all it's glory...

"Dreaming Of Mary Sues" by Wendy Parkinson & Vanessa Nichols

"Dreaming Of Mary Sues" by Wendy Parkinson & Vanessa Nichols

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A is for Accepting invitations that we probably shouldn't have...

"I'm not so sure this is such a great idea..."

"Oh for crying out loud..." muttered Wendy, as she struggled to keep the rental car on the road. "Ness, we've already been through this."

In the passenger seat, Ness shook her head. "And I still don't think you're listening to me."

"I'm listening, I'm listening!" Wendy protested, dropping the car down another gear as the road took another incline.

"Then why aren't you turning this rust-bucket around and heading back to the airport?"

"Because even though I'm listening to you, I'm not agreeing with you." The brunette answered, adjusting her glasses.

"Well, you should be." Ness responded automatically. "I mean, what makes you think we're going to be able to get in, anyway?"

"It was all in the invitation Ness--passes, a guide, and assurances of entry."

"Anonymous passes, you mean." When Wendy didn't answer, Ness snuck another look at her friend. "Wendy..."

"Ok, ok," sending her a quick glance, Wendy smiled. "Anonymous passes--but why you want to be anonymous when we're going to see your friends, I have no idea."

"Your friends, you mean. They sent *you* the invitation."

Wendy rolled her eyes. "That's only because *you* told them all to email *me* instead of you!"

"They crashed my entire ISP by flooding me with emails--I was pulled up for questioning by the police over the possibility of moi being an international hacker, or industrial spammer or something."

"Industrial spammer?"

"Or something," Ness repeated, a small smile of her own edging out.

Both women shared a grin before returning their gazes to the scenery.

"Besides," Ness continued a moment later. "Daniel's still not impressed with me because I set up the danandjan group--the last thing I need is for him to corner me in a room with a bunch of heavy rocks."

"Artefacts, Ness--they're called artefacts." Wendy mimicked, slowing down automatically as they approached the first gate.

"Whatever." answered Ness, a little absently. "Wen?"

"Yeah?"

"Is it just me or does that security guard look familiar?"

As the car slowed down at the first barricade the MP in question moved towards Wendy's window. "I'm sorry ladies, this is a restricted area--can I see some identification please?"

Both women just stared at him.

"Ladies... your identification please?"

"MacGyver?" Wendy managed in the end, eyebrows raised sky-high.

The MP nodded slowly before gesturing to the name on his uniform. "Uh, yes ma'am. Private Angus MacGyver the second... now, may I see your identification please."

Eyes wide, Wendy turned to grab their papers. As she handed them to the officer, Ness suddenly started laughing. "Oh my god," she chuckled. "I just figured it out."

"Figured what out, ma'am?" asked the Private, even as Wendy raised an eyebrow.

"Can't you see it Wen," Ness asked her friend. "He has Siobhan and the Cloning Machine written all over him."

She watched as comprehension dawned on Wendy's face, the two of them looking to the officer once again. "So he does." Wendy murmured, shaking her head as she sized up the man standing next to their car. "Well, well, well--nice to meet you Mac II." In the passenger seat, Ness began snickering uncontrollably.

"Likewise ma'am--you're familiar with the CM operation then?" At the women's nods, Mac smiled in what seemed like relief.

"Who ordered you, Mac?" Wendy asked curiously, retrieving their identification.

"General Hammond, ma'am. He remembered reading a report about my security appraisal on the Mountain several years ago and decided that I should be on staff at all times." Mac paused and then looked at the women hopefully, leaning in towards the car. "I don't suppose you know of any way that I could leave, could you? I really can't tell you how much I hate being in the military--why, the whole issue of guns alone is enough to make me..."

Both women started to shake their heads.

"Oh," Mac said. "Well, it was worth a shot." Straightening, he checked his clipboard and then gestured to the 'gate operator. "Drive on through ladies. Follow the arrows to your left until you reach the Visitors Area. An MP has been assigned to you for the duration of your stay--he'll help you from there. Goodbye."

"Bye." chorused Wendy and Ness, and the car moved forward.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

B is for Bert, our guide for the evening...

"So, who do you think our MP will be?" asked Wendy as she parked the car and the two of them got out.

Stretching her legs gratefully after the cramped confines of the rental car, Ness shrugged. "Who knows? But," she added a moment later. "After seeing who the guard was on the Gate, I'm ready for anybody."

Wendy chuckled. "Yes--me too."

By the time they'd turned and retrieved their backpacks, an MP was standing at the rear of the car. "Your identification papers please?"

Jumping a little from the unexpected voice, Ness cursed under her breath as Wendy handed over the desired papers once again. The MP perused them for a moment, glancing at both of them before returning his scrutiny to the papers. Moving closer to Wendy, Ness nudged her with her shoulder. 'What now?' Ness mouthed when Wendy looked at her. Shrugging, Wendy started to reply when the MP spoke.

"Leia Jones?" the guard asked then, looking at Ness. "And... India Solo?" he finished, glancing to Wendy.

Mouth opening, Ness started to turn to Wendy again, only for her friend to step forward. "Yes." she answered smoothly, taking the papers back. "Are you our escort?"

The MP nodded. "Yes ma'am--Lieutenant Robert Paige." Turning slightly, he gestured that they start walking. "If you'll follow me, I'll escort you down to the quarters that have been assigned to you for your stay."

As they followed the Lieutenant, Ness nudged Wendy again. "Leia Jones? India Solo?" she muttered under her breath.

Smiling innocently, Wendy shrugged before whispering back. "You were the one who decided we should have a Harrison Ford movie marathon last week!" Looking forward again, Wendy raised her voice. "So Bert," she called out cheekily. "How's the wife?"

Almost tripping over his feet in surprise, Lieutenant Robert 'Bert' Paige turned back to face the snickering women. "Uh, fine... ma'am." he answered after a moment's hesitation, before gesturing that they precede him into the elevator. And as the doors closed, Bert closed his eyes--if his boyfriend ever found out that he was pretending to have a wife, his romance-life was going to hit an extremely rocky patch.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

C is for Christmas challenge, we have one each year...

Ness and Wendy turned to face the doors as Bert pressed the button to start their descent. They looked at each other and grinned. "I can't believe we're actually here," whispered Wendy.

"I know, it's great, isn't it?" agreed her friend.

"Just think how many stories there have been where Sam and Jack have done it in a lift." Wendy looked round, slightly awe-struck.

"It could be this lift, couldn't it?"

Bert glanced over his shoulder at the women. So the rumours about O'Neill and Carter were true, were they? He always thought there was something going on between those two. Wait till he got to the commissary, he'd tell everyone what he'd heard! He turned back and pretended to concentrate on the display in front of him.

The two women were so caught up in their conversation, they hadn't realised he was listening. "I still think trying to remain anonymous is a bad idea," said Wendy

"Please! We've been through this, you're beginning to sound like a broken record."

Deciding that there was no point in trying to change Ness' mind, Wendy said, "So, are we having a Christmas challenge on the list this year?"

"Definitely--it's a list and archive tradition. I've got a few ideas, but nothing concrete. What about you? Any thoughts?"

Wendy stared up at the descending numbers above the door, as if searching for inspiration. "How about..." she said slowly, "Sam and Jack exchanging presents..."

Ness nodded. "Already thought of that one."

"A snowman..."

"Hmm, sounds promising..."

"Someone dressed as a Santa Claus..." Wendy continued. "And, a partridge in a pear tree..."

"A partridge in a pear tree?" Ness echoed incredulously.

"Yes, and you can't have someone singing or listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas," Wendy added firmly.

"So you actually want partridges in pear trees in these stories?" Ness asked dubiously. Wendy nodded. "Remind me again why I agreed to write a collaboration with you."

"You admire my serious, thought-provoking, angst-ridden, sensible approach to writing fan fiction?"

Ness made a choking noise. "Hah! No, I think it's because you've got an ever crazier sense of humour than I have!" Wendy smiled brilliantly and made a mini-bow. "But those idea's are pretty good. I'll definitely see if I can work them into the challenge when I release it on December first."

The women both grinned as the lift came to a halt.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

D is for Doctor Daniel Jackson, of course...

"If you would like to follow me," said Bert, gesturing towards the open doors.

Ness and Wendy started to follow their guide, still chattering to each other.

"So who do you think we'll see next?" asked Wendy

"Don't know. We'll have to keep our eyes peeled, won't we?" Ness smiled suddenly. "We're like a couple of big kids, aren't we?"

"Yes, great, isn't it?

As she was looking at Ness, Wendy didn't see the man approaching fast on her left, his head down, immersed in some papers he was carrying. He walked straight into her, sending her cannoning into Ness and almost knocking her over.

"I'm terribly sorry. Are you all right?" he asked, as he bent down to pick up some papers he'd dropped. "I really should learn to look where I'm going."

The women's mouths dropped open in surprise. Wendy straightened her glasses and managed to stammer, "I'm fine, thanks. I wasn't looking where I was going either. Not your fault."

The man stood up, the unruly sheaf of papers tucked firmly under his arm. He held out his hand. "I'm Daniel Jackson. I don't think we've met. Are you new around here?"

"I'm W..." began Wendy as she shook the outstretched hand, only to be rewarded by a violent dig in the ribs by Ness. She shot her friend a filthy look, then carried on. "I'm W... weally pleased to meet you."

Ness groaned, and decided to take matters into her own hands. There was no way she was going to let Daniel know who she was. He owned a lot of heavy artefacts. "This is India Solo and I'm Leia Jones."

Wendy muttered something under her breath about friends with sharp elbows, rubbing her ribs.

Resolutely ignoring her friend, Ness carried on. "We're here visiting friends."

Daniel looked from the blonde to the brunette, then back again. He didn't believe a word of it. No-one ever visited friends in Cheyenne Mountain, it was a top secret facility. And those names... aliases, if he'd ever heard them. Anyone would think they'd made the names up after watching a Harrison Ford movie marathon.

But on the other hand, they did have an official escort and presumably, valid paperwork. This thought led the archaeologist to an inescapable conclusion. The powers that be had decided to share secrets again without telling their personnel. These two must be the representatives of foreign governments here on a fact-finding mission. From Britain and Australia, if he'd guessed their accents correctly.

He'd have to bring this up with the General at the briefing. The briefing! Uh-oh! He cleared his throat. "I'm sorry, I'm going to have to go. I'm already late for a briefing. I'll perhaps see you later?"

"Perhaps," agreed Wendy, as they watched Daniel disappear down the corridor.

"Not if we see you first," muttered Ness under her breath.

"Spoilsport!" retaliated Wendy. "He's even nicer in real life than when you see him on... you know. Taller, bluer eyes..." Her voice trailed off.

Ness rolled her eyes. "What on earth am I going to do with you if we meet Jack?"

"Use smelling salts?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

E is for Enterprises, Emails, and Extreme Scrutiny...

Having left their overnight bags in the VIP quarter's assigned to them, and after whispering furiously about the previous occupants who'd been there before them, Bert agreed that it was probably time that they finally got to the crux of their visit--the Infirmary.

"Still adamant about the anonymous issue..." Wendy started to query as they followed Bert through the concrete hallways.

"Broken record." Ness reminded her.

"Because Janet, at the very least," Wendy continued anyway. "Would no doubt be ecstatic to see you. In her emails to me, she described you as the Goddess for Romantic's..."

"And for that reason alone," Ness responded. "Anonymity is a good thing. Ever since I started the DJ list for her, she's been pestering me about beta'ing stories for her, introducing specific topics and subjects onto the list... all in the guise of making Daniel more and more aware of her 'sexual appeal'. I mean, I love the good Doctor, and I think she and Danny will make a great couple, but there's only so much *I* can take..."

"Ms Solo? Ms Jones?" Both women looked up as Bert halted before a set of double grey doors. "The Infirmary." he announced simply. Pushing the doors open, he gestured that they precede him into the room.

"Wow," Wendy murmured. "It's..."

"Bigger." Ness answered, following her friend's wide-eyed gaze. "On the..." she coughed a little. "'Footage' it seemed so much smaller."

Wendy nodded, glancing at the rows of beds. "Yeah... you know, I reckon this room is almost as big as the Gateroom..."

Before Ness could reply, a white-coated figure approached them. "Can I help you?"

Bert stepped forward, saluting quickly. "Doctor Fraiser--these are Ms Jones and Ms Solo--they're here to visit Samantha Carter the second, and Jack O'Neill the second."

"Actually," Wendy interrupted. "We're here to see Baby Martouf." Holding out her hand, she smiled broadly at the Doctor. "Doctor Fraiser, I've heard a lot about you... I'm India Solo, it's nice to meet you."

Dubiously, Janet shook the offered hand. "And you are?" she asked, looking at Ness.

"Leia Jones--likewise, it's nice to meet you."

"Uh huh," Janet murmured. "Well ladies, I'm sure it's nice to meet you too." Folding her arms over the clipboard she was holding, Janet stared at them both. "Might I ask how you know Sammy--I mean, Sam and Jack the second?"

Wendy and Ness shared a quick look. "Uh," Ness started, only for Wendy to step forward.

"We're with CM Enterprises," Wendy informed her smoothly. "Since the discovery of SCII's pregnancy we've been in contact with the clones, monitoring the progress--it's quite unusual you see, for clones to reproduce without the benefit of a cloning machine. When SCII and JOII invited us out here to visit them and their baby, well," Wendy and Ness shared a smile.

"We simply *couldn't* refuse." Ness finished sweetly.

"I see." Janet repeated doubtfully. "Well, I suppose it'll be alright--you've obviously been given the appropriate clearance, otherwise you wouldn't be here..." Shrugging, she gestured behind her. "If you'll follow me then."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

F is for Family, the SGC's first...

"Sam, Jack," Janet called out as they approached a sectioned off corner of the Infirmary, "you have some visitors."

"Come in," came a very familiar voice.

Pushing the curtain aside, Janet indicated that Ness and Wendy follow her in. "This is Leia Jones and..."

"India Solo." Wendy finished as the women smiled at the two clones.

"Nice names." quipped Jack II.

Ness coughed. "Thank you. Uh, nice animals."

Everybody glanced at the collection of stuffed toys adorning the nearby stand. Once a trolley for holding medical instruments, the cart now held pink elephants, yellow ducks, blue teddy-bears, green puppy-dogs, purple giraffes, orange monkeys, a white kitty-cat, and a black and red fish.

"Thanks," Sam II replied, eyes narrowing at her guests.

An awkward silence filled the room. "Um, well..." Wendy muttered, trying to think of something to say. "Oh," she exclaimed a moment later. "We have some presents for Baby Martouf," she glanced around briefly. "Who's not here..." she finished, a disappointed tone coating her voice.

"He's sleeping." Sam II answered promptly, only for her announcement to be drowned out by the sound of a baby crying.

"Or not." Jack II drawled. Getting up from his chair beside Sam II's bed, he headed for the doorway. "I'll go get him."

Janet nodded. "I'll come with you."

And then there were three. The three women--Bert having decided to wait back at the Infirmary entrance--stared at each other.

"So who are you two? I mean really?" Sam II demanded then.

Wendy and Ness looked at each other. "What? We're..."

"Did Maybourne send you? The NID?"

"What?!" Wendy and Ness exclaimed together.

"Because if you're after my son, I'm tellin' you now that..."

"No, of course not." Ness protested.

"YOU invited US here!" Wendy answered automatically, only to wince as Ness dug her elbow into her side... again.

"No, I didn't." Sam II replied. "Darling Jack and I invited Wen..." she paused, her mouth dropping open. "Holy Hannah!" she exclaimed. "You two are..."

"Ssh!" Ness murmured quickly, glancing around to see if anyone was nearby.

"But..." Sam II started only for Wendy to interrupt her.

"I'm Wendy, and this is Ness," she said quickly, moving out of Ness' reach. "But you can't tell anyone--we don't want people to know we're here, ok?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

G is for Gifts, for a baby so small...

Sam II frowned. "Why?"

"Long story," muttered Wendy with feeling, rubbing her ribs.

"Let's just say, some people around here are a little upset with us," Ness said.

"You," corrected Wendy. "They're not upset with me."

"Okay, *me*," agreed Ness reluctantly.

Sam II grinned. "Let me guess, that would be Daniel and Janet? He's mad at you for starting the danandjan list, and she's mad because it still hasn't worked."

"You got it," said Wendy. "How did you..."

"It's easy to overhear a lot in here." Sam II smiled mischievously. "You wouldn't believe what I've heard about Bert." She gestured towards the door, where their escort was still standing. She leant forward conspiratorially. "Did you know his wife wasn't..."

She was interrupted by Jack II returning with baby Martouf. "Here's the little guy. Wide awake and ready for action!" He passed the swaddled infant to Sam II. As she nestled the baby in her arms, Ness and Wendy leant in closer to get a better view.

"Oh he's adorable," said Ness.

"Absolutely gorgeous," agreed Wendy. "What beautiful blue eyes."

"The presents!" hissed Ness, nudging Wendy.

"Of course." Wendy passed a small package to Sam II. "That's from me."

Ness gave a similar sized parcel to Jack II. "And that's from me."

"Thank you. That's very kind of you both." Sam II turned to the baby. "Come on Marty, shall we see what nice gifts Ness and Wendy have bought you?"

Immediately, Ness groaned and Wendy tried to hide a smile. Sam II, realising her mistake, suddenly looked up guiltily.

"Wendy and Ness?" Jack II repeated, narrowing his eyes. "I thought you said your names were..."

All three women just looked at him.

Jack's eyes suddenly went wide. "Wendy and Ness," he repeated again. "As in Ness--list and archive mom and author Ness? And as in Wendy--author of 'Blackout' Wendy?"

Both women reluctantly nodded.

"They're using aliases, Darling Jack, for personal security reasons." Sam II informed her partner then, sending him a look that clearly stated 'go with it'. Jack nodded, a confused expression on his face as Sam II started to unwrap the present Wendy had given her.

"What did you get?" Ness asked Wendy. "You never said."

"Nor did you," replied the brunette.

"Oh, they're lovely," exclaimed Sam II as she revealed two small teddy bears, one dressed as Robin Hood, the other dressed as Maid Marion.

"They were in one of your fics! Not to mention *completely* British!" said Ness, horrified. "They're bound to recognise us now!"

Wendy shrugged. "I thought it was appropriate. Anyway, I posted that story over a year ago, no-one will remember it now. Besides that, do you know how many tourists I had to elbow out the way when I went to buy them?"

Ness pursed her lips, for once lost for words.

Jack II passed Sam II the other parcel. "I'll put these two characters with the others, shall I, Sammy Wammy?" He took Robin and Marion and perched them between the duck and the fish.

"That would be lovely, Darling Jack," Sam II said as she began unwrapping the other present. "Oh, and this is..." Sam II's eyes widened slightly and she coughed subtly. "... is wonderful too."

Wendy turned to Ness in disbelief. "A fat-assed wombat?"

Ness took a defensive pose. "That is Fatso, *the* fat-assed wombat--he was the unofficial mascot of the Sydney 2000 Olympic Games--he was very hard to get."

Jack II stifled a chuckle as he took the wombat and placed it next to the giraffe on the trolley.

"You've both been very generous." Sam II told them both.

Wendy shook her head. "And you don't think *that* might give them just a teensy weensy clue as to who we really are?"

"No."

Wendy rolled her eyes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

H is for Hammond, he has a red phone...

"So, people, you'll leave for P6X123 tomorrow morning at 0700 hours. Any questions?" The General glanced round the table at SG1.

Daniel raised his hand. "Er, this isn't about the mission, General. But..." He hesitated. He wasn't quite sure how to put this without making himself sound paranoid or possibly insult representatives of America's allies.

"Spit it out, Doctor Jackson," ordered the General, who really wanted to get back to his office for a coffee. He hoped this wasn't going to be a half hour long plea for more time for archaeological research. Folding his hands on the table in front of him, he waited for Daniel to begin.

"Well, there were these two women..." he started.

"*Two* women? Daniel, this is not the forum for telling all about your romantic conquests!" said Jack. Sam giggled. The general wanted to, but managed to restrain himself. Teal'c raised an eyebrow.

The archaeologist glared at him and carried on. " ... in the elevator. It was all very suspicious. They said they were *visiting friends*. Lieutenant Paige was with them, so I guess they had official clearance but who ever visits friends here? It's a top secret facility."

"Strange," said Jack.

"It gets stranger," said Daniel. "They said their names were Leia Jones and India Solo."

"Sounds like they made them up after watching a Harrison Ford movie marathon," said Sam.

"Exactly!" agreed Daniel. "And judging by their accents, they weren't American. I'd guess one was Australian and one British." He turned to General Hammond. "What I want to know is--who are they really?"

Hammond shook his head. "I have absolutely no idea, son. I haven't authorised any visits."

"Did they look dangerous?" asked Jack.

"It depends how you define 'dangerous'. The Aussie seemed pretty good with her elbows."

Jack winced. "Well, I suggest we find them and see who they really are."

The General picked up his red phone. "This is a base wide alert. We are looking for two women acting in a suspicious manner. One is believed to be Australian, one British." He put his hand over the receiver. "Doctor Jackson, what did they look like?"

"Both about five eight, the Aussie had blonde, collar length hair. The Brit wore glasses and had shoulder length dark brown hair. They were both wearing jeans and sweaters and carrying backpacks."

The General nodded and repeated the description into the phone, then added, "Approach these women with extreme caution, they may be dangerous."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I is for Intelligence, and the occasional lack of it...

"So," Ness started, as the conversation about Baby Martouf's name origins wound to a close. "What were you saying earlier about Bert?"

Wendy looked up from her position on the edge of Sam II's bed, Baby Martouf cradled in her arms. "Yes--if you have any goss, we'd love to hear it."

Sam II smiled and leant forward once again. "Well, it seems that his wife..."

Suddenly sirens burst into song, causing Baby Martouf to begin crying again. Hurriedly, Wendy gave him back to his mother, clambering off the bed to stand beside Ness again.

"What the hell... ?" muttered Jack.

"You know," murmured Ness, tipping her head to one side. "I've heard that siren before."

Wendy rolled her eyes. "You mean apart from every episode where SG1 spends at least five minutes on the Base?"

Sending her friend a look that plainly said 'Bite Me', Ness shook her head. "No, I mean the pitch of it. Lola and I were comparing the different siren wav's a couple of weeks ago. We worked out that each siren had a particular sound, and that they were all used for the different emergencies."

Rolling her eyes again, Wendy snorted. "You two have *waaay* too much free time on your hands."

"I'm serious!" Ness protested. "And if I'm not mistaken, that's the siren for 'intruders' or 'unauthorised personnel' on the Base."

Wendy laughed. "Come on Ness, you and I both know that there are no missions scheduled at the moment--therefore there can be none of SG1's usual Base 'problems'. That's the whole reason we're here now instead of tomorrow..." Wendy's voice trailed away.

Eyes narrowing, Ness held out her hand. "Can I have a look at our papers please?"

Gulping silently, Wendy nodded and handed them over. "They're legitimate Ness, I swear." she promised her friend. "I mean, come on, I told you I'd organise it all, and I have. If they weren't legitimate..."

"They're signed by *Maybourne*!" Ness screeched.

"... we wouldn't have got in." Wendy's voice faded before she shook her head and took a defensive position. "Hey, you said I wasn't allowed to say who we were... I could hardly ask Hammond for authorisation papers after that, could I?"

"But *Maybourne*?" Ness repeated.

Wendy shrugged. "He's been begging me for a part in my next story. I promised him a bit part if he got me autho papers with anonymous names, no questions asked."

"That's it," said Ness decisively. "We have to leave. Hammond's probably got people looking for us all over by now--and since we've already met up with Danny, I'm sure they have a description of us too."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

J is for Jack, our loveable Colonel...

Sam II spoke up then, her and Jack II having been watching the entire conversation with great interest. "You'll need to change clothes... you'll be recognised in an instant in civvies."

Jack II nodded. "She's right you know." He was silent for a moment as Wendy and Ness cast despairing gazes at each other. "I've got it!" Snapping his fingers, he quickly darted out of the room. Before anyone could say anything, he was back again, a set of fatigues clutched in one hand, a doctor's lab coat and scrubs in the other.

Ness and Wendy raised their eyebrows silently for a moment before taking the proffered disguises.

"May as well," murmured Wendy.

"Yeah," agreed Ness.

The two women had no sooner disappeared into a nearby storage room, when Colonel Jack O'Neill walked into the clones room.

"Hi guys," he started promptly, wincing as Baby Martouf let loose with another crying bout.

"Sorry," Sam II apologised. "He's a little cranky with all the sirens going off."

Jack grimaced a little. "Yeah, about that. Have you two--"

"What's with the sirens anyway Jack?" Jack II cut in then. "I mean, isn't it a little early--your team isn't due to leave for another twelve hours."

Sending his clone a dirty look, Jack cleared his throat. "Contrary to popular belief, my team does not cause every single disturbance or problem on this Base."

The two clones just stared at him.

"We don't!" Jack protested. Shaking his head, he struggled to bring the conversation back to the reason he was here. "Anyway, like I was saying. Have you two seen any--"

"Doc Fraiser?" Jack II asked.

Jack shook his head. "No--I was going to ask if you'd seen--"

"Yeah," Sam II piped up then, butting in. "We have--she was just in here. Janet said that you need a pre-mission booster shot. I think she was headed towards your office... if you hurry, you can probably catch her there."

Deciding quickly that he was going to be nowhere near his office for the next twelve hours, at the very least, Jack shook his head. "*No*," he all but shouted. "I'm looking for two strange women--"

"*Two* women Jack?" Sam II shook her head. "And strange ones at that? I wouldn't let your Carter here you talking about things like that--she might take offence..."

Realising that this conversation was getting nowhere, Jack finally shook his head. "Never mind guys, I'll..." In the corridor outside, Doc Fraiser's voice wafted through the doors, causing Jack to jump slightly. "I'll be seeing you," he muttered quickly as he took off as fast as he could for the alternate exit.

"Bye!" called out Sam and Jack II, smiles on both their faces.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

K is for Kawalsky, our SJ mascot...

Eyes frantically searching the face of every airman he passed, Daniel silently berated himself for not informing the General about the 'visitors' earlier. For all they knew, those two women could be spies for Maybourne... or worse! So preoccupied with his 'mission' and his thoughts, he never saw the airman coming his way until the last moment.

"Omph!" he managed as he and the mystery airman went crashing to the ground.

"Hey, why don't you watch where you're going next time!" came a cross voice as Daniel readjusted his glasses.

"I'm sorry--my fault." Daniel muttered, standing up. Before he could even think of taking another step, however, he found himself firmly ensconced in... a hug?

"Danny-boy!"

Looking up, Daniel found himself staring straight at... "Kawalsky?" he replied.

"Aw, hell buddy--sorry about sending you flying. How've you been?" Kawalsky chattered enthusiastically, finally releasing the archaeologist.

"Fine," Daniel nodded, straightening his clothes. "But what about you... aren't you meant to be off living the high life in seclusion with Siobhan?"

Kawalsky nodded. "Sure am--but she had to work this weekend, so I told her I'd come back here for a visit."

Daniel grinned broadly. "Well, it's great to see you, and I'm sure the others will think so too."

The two men started walking down the corridor.

"So tell me, what's new? Siobhan's been pretty busy lately so I haven't really heard much of the goss--are Sam and Jack still arguing about the 'regs?"

Daniel nodded emphatically. "Oh yeah, but there's been some new developments--I've got a summary of the recent list activity in my office. You can borrow it if you like."

Kawalsky's grin was contagious. "Excellent--I have to admit, I've missed..."

Daniel looked up as Kawalsky's voice trailed away, a look for terror creasing his features. "Kawalsky? Charlie? Are you alright?"

Kawalsky shook his head, staring straight ahead. "Weh... Weh... Weh..." he managed after a moment, fear coating his voice.

Turning, Daniel stared at the two women walking down the corridor. One was obviously a doctor--clothed in scrubs and a lab coat--whilst the other was wearing standard fatigue's. "Kawalsky?" Daniel repeated, confused by his friend's sudden breakdown.

Kawalsky turned and grabbed Daniel by his shirt, pulling him quickly into a nearby room. Panicked, Kawalsky watched cautiously as the two women passed the room and kept going, before turning back to Daniel. "What the hell is going on?" he all but shouted at the archaeologist. "Since when do list members get assigned to the SGC?"

"List members?" Daniel repeated dumbly. "Kawalsky, what are you talking about? Are you sure you're alright?"

"No!" the sometimes-dead-airman shouted. "Not when I see Wendy, a list member from England who knows the art of interrogation better than any other enemy you can possibly think of, walking the halls of the SGC with Ness, web mistress, list mother, and Queen of Angst, Torturer of Souls!"

Eyes widening, Daniel darted back into the hallway. "Hey!" he called out, satisfied to see the two women turn back. For a moment, he wasn't sure if it was them--they were in SGC clothes, and the blonde now had glasses whereas the brunette didn't--but when they looked at each other a second later, muttered an expletive, and took off running, he had no doubt.

The strange women were definitely here... and now he knew who they were.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

L is for Lost somewhere in Cheyenne Mountain...

"Have we lost them?" gasped Wendy, as they rounded yet another corner.

Ness skidded to a halt next to her friend. "What?"

"I said, have we lost them?"

They both peered back round the corner and looked down the corridor. Satisfied they were safe for now at least, Wendy rested her hands on her knees and leant over, trying to get her breath back. She looked up at Ness, who was exploring the pockets of the lab coat she was wearing. "Find anything interesting?"

"Not yet." Ness smiled. "Worth a try though. There might have been a security pass in there."

"Wouldn't have been very secure, would it?" Letting out a deep breath, Wendy straightened up. She frowned. "Do you think I could have my glasses back now? I can't see a thing."

"They're a good disguise. Daniel manages without his often enough."

"I'm surprised he doesn't walk into things. Anyway, I think our disguises are shot now--Kawalsky recognised me." Wendy sighed.

"And me." Ness added absently, glancing around them cautiously.

"I didn't know you'd..."

"Oh yeah, me and Charlie go way back."

Wendy raised her eyebrows. Now wasn't the time to ask, but she'd find out what had passed between Ness and Kawalsky one day. Judging by the look on her friend's face, it must have been pretty memorable. She frowned. Reminiscing wasn't getting them out of here. "Could I have my specs... *please*!"

Reluctantly, Ness handed over the glasses. "So what now? I have no idea where we are."

"Neither have I but I know one thing for certain." She pointed upwards. "We need to get to the surface. How difficult can that be?"

They heard footsteps approaching. Frantically looking round, Ness grabbed Wendy and dragged her towards the nearest door. She opened it and they both ran inside.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

M is for Maybourne, the Sparkiest of Rats...

"Come on Kawalsky, we'll catch them if we hurry!" Daniel started off down the corridor in pursuit of Ness and Wendy. When he realised he wasn't being followed, he stopped and turned round. "Kawalsky?"

Charlie Kawalsky stared down the corridor as if he'd seen a ghost. He shook his head dumbly.

Daniel walked back to the frightened officer. "Charlie?" he said gently.

"No way," murmured Kawalsky. "There's no way I'm following those two without at least two squads of marines for backup."

The archaeologist sighed. It was too late now, anyway. Ness and Wendy would have got away. "Let's get back to the General's office and report what we know."

Kawalsky nodded mutely in agreement and the two men set off.

When they reached Hammond's office, Sam, Jack, Teal'c and Janet were already there. As soon as he saw Kawalsky, Jack walked over and slapped him on the back. "Good to see you again, Charlie! Siobhan treating you well?"

"Great, Jack. But you've got a major problem here on base."

"Yeah, tell me something I don't know. Two strange women running around. We haven't found them yet, but we will."

"We've just seen them, Jack," said Daniel, taking off his glasses and massaging the bridge of his nose. "Charlie recognised them."

Jack went white. "My god! You recognised them from one of our black ops missions? They're spies?" He was horrified at the prospect.

"No. The two strange women are Ness and Wendy from the mailing list."

There was a moment's stunned silence, then Sam, Hammond, Jack and Janet said in unison, "I want to talk to them!"

Teal'c added, "I also wish to engage them in conversation."

"Oh, tell me about it!" said Daniel with feeling, shooting a quick look at Janet, who winked at him. He rubbed his hand across his face.

There was a knock at the door. It opened, revealing a very embarrassed Lieutenant Paige. "You wanted to see me, sir?" he said to the General.

"Yes, son. It's about the women you were escorting."

"Ms Solo and Ms Jones? The one's that got away. I'm sorry, sir."

"Don't worry about that for now. By all accounts they're tricky customers. What I want to know is who authorised their passes."

"Colonel Maybourne, sir."

Jack snorted with derision. "I thought Ness and Wendy were better than that. Getting involved with Maybourne, of all people!"

Hammond dismissed Paige and turned to his staff. "I'm going to call Maybourne to try and find out what's going on." Before he had chance his phone rang. He picked it up. "Is he? Send him down... for once I'm pleased to see him." He replaced the receiver on its cradle. "Speak of the devil. Maybourne's just arrived at the base and is requesting to see me."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

N is for Needing reinforcements...

Ness peered through the crack in the door. "I think we can probably go now. I can't see anyone." She began to open the door further, only to slam it shut suddenly. "Damn. Simmon's is coming this way--he's the last person we need to run into." She sighed. "Getting out of here isn't going to be easy." When her friend didn't respond, Ness turned round and saw Wendy studying a large map of the world pinned to the wall. "Wen?"

"Mmm."

"What are you doing? We're supposed to be escaping, not looking at maps."

"I was wondering about calling for reinforcements. I've found Colorado Springs." She pointed at the map. "Which list members are near here?"

Ness shrugged and looked over Wendy's shoulder. "Lola's in California, which is there." She indicated a spot to the left of Colorado Springs.

"And so's Sue." They stared at the map. "I'm sure they'd both help. If Lola isn't too busy analysing siren noises, that is."

Ness glared at her, before deciding to ignore the dig. "And just how far do you reckon it is from here to there?"

"About four inches?"

"Be serious!"

"I am! It can't be far, can it?"

Ness pointed to the right of the map. "Er, Wen, look how big Britain is."

Wendy looked at Britain, then again at the USA. "We're on our own," she muttered.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O is for Opening another can of worms...

Colonel Maybourne swallowed hard when he entered General Hammond's office. He really hadn't wanted to explain why he was here in front of an audience.

"Take a seat, Colonel," said Hammond smoothly. "There's something we'd like to know."

Maybourne's eyes swivelled nervously around the room. "Yes?" he said weakly.

"Why did you authorise visitor's passes for Vanessa Nichols and Wendy Parkinson?"

"That's between me and them," Maybourne answered evasively.

"Cut the crap, Sparky," said Jack. "We know who they are and that they're here... Somewhere. What we want to know is how you got involved and *why* they're here."

Maybourne decided that on this occasion, he'd try telling the truth. It might confuse them. "They wanted to visit the baby. Wendy approached me for the passes."

"That makes sense," Janet piped up then. "They told me they were with CM Enterprises..."

"CM Enterprises?" repeated Jack.

"Cloning Machine Enterprises," Sam filled in for him. Jack sent her a grateful look.

"... and that they'd been monitoring the progress of Sammy-Wammy's pregnancy." Janet finished.

Hammond sighed. "As if they don't monitor enough things around here."

Maybourne nodded. "They are rather covert. We've actually been meaning to talk to them for some time now... we want to know who gives them their information, and how. We think there's a lot we can learn from their operation."

At the sound of his voice, everyone turned and glared at him.

"What?" he asked defensively, crossing his arms. "That list is a global network that knows more about this Base then we do on occasion. We could have a very serious security breach here!"

Daniel snorted. "So you decided to compound that by giving two of the list's ringleaders papers into the Base. Very generous of you, Colonel," he finished with a touch of sarcasm in his voice to rival that of Jack's.

Jack shook his head. "Nah, something about this doesn't make sense. They may know a lot, but their interests in us," he glanced at Sam nervously. "Are largely biased. I doubt there's a security risk involved here."

Hammond nodded. "I agree. So what did you want in return Colonel? Honestly." asked the General.

Maybourne swallowed nervously and looked around. Deciding he may as well come clean, he sighed and then mumbled, "Wendy agreed to put me in one of her stories."

"So you were feeling a little left out, were you Maybourne?" said Jack, sarcasm coating his voice.

Sam cleared her throat, hoping the story didn't feature a Sam/Maybourne pairing. She shuddered, then asked, "So why are you here today, sir?"

Maybourne pouted. "She hasn't posted anything yet. I wanna to know when my story's coming out!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P is for Panicking, the one thing we must not do...

"What are going to do?" Wendy asked then, turning away from the map. "We're stuck in a room that someone is sure to find us in sooner or later, with no idea of how to get to the surface without being seen..."

"We need to get to a computer."

"... and--what?"

"A computer," Ness repeated. "Reinforcements in person won't work, but maybe we can get some help anyway."

Wendy looked around the room they were stuck in. There was a map on the wall, a bed, an empty closet, and not much else. "I don't see one." she offered, aware that the information wasn't really helpful.

Ness rolled her eyes. "Really?" she quipped sarcastically, before shaking her head. "Alright, let's think about this for a moment--where can we find a computer?"

Wendy shrugged. "Everywhere," she answered finally. "The whole Base seems to be in on the emailing thing."

Nodding, Ness agreed. "Yeah, I know. At first it was just me talking to Daniel. Then Janet started sending me info on all their missions for the list, and Sam and Jack found my email addy on Daniel's computer... Simmon's found it through the archive, as did Hammond, and the clones from overhearing SG1 talk about the list. With every new digest, it seems, another member of the SGC starts to email me..."

"... and now me." Wendy added. "I still think you should have asked me first before telling them all they could email me."

"I did!" Ness protested, looking a little guilty.

Wendy narrowed her eyes. "*After* you sent them my email addy, you mean."

Ness shrugged. "The email was delayed--I told you I was having ISP problems at the time..." she defended herself, before shaking her head. "Anyway--this isn't helping... we need to find a computer." Moving back to the door, she cracked it open again. Satisfied that the way was clear for the moment, she turned back to her friend. "Come on--let's go."

"Alright," Wendy muttered, following Ness. "But if we run into any proverbial lions, tigers or bears..." she let her voice trail away suggestively.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q is for Questioning your friends, when you really need some information...

"Aha!"

Looking up, Ness saw Wendy standing in the doorway of what looked like someone's office. "Found one?" she asked, moving over to her friend.

Wendy nodded, moving further into the room as Ness shut the door behind them. "One computer, as ordered." She watched as Ness moved over to sit at the desk, cautiously shifting a precarious stack of files to one side. "So now that you have the computer, what are you going to do?"

"Log in," Ness answered, clicking on the IE icon. "We need details about this Base--ways in and out, preferably with the least amount of people contact." As she waited for her email inbox to load, she looked at Wendy thoughtfully. "So, who do we know who would have those kind of details?"

Wendy shrugged for a moment, and then brightened. "AQ--she has Jack and Sam doing it after just about every episode--surely she would know of the people-quiet areas."

Ness shook her head. "Nah--if we need sex details, she'd have 'em, but most of her fics don't spend much time on the surroundings detail." She was silent for a moment as she thought about it. "I know, what about Alli? Her fics are always good for..."

Now it was Wendy's turn to shake her head. "If we needed info about alien worlds, Alli'd be our man... woman... but she doesn't use the SGC that much."

Sighing, Ness nodded, absently checking for latest emails whilst Wendy kept an eye on the door.

"Tiffany?"

"Siobhan?"

"Jill?"

"Kelly?"

"Jez?"

"DustDevil?"

"Jen?"

"Angel?"

"You wrote Blackout... that was set in the SGC..." Ness offered suggestively.

Wendy shook her head. "It was set in one lab--in pitch blackness. Anyway, what about you? You've set fics here before..."

"The locker room and the gate room, yes. Other than that--nada."

Both women sighed.

"I know!" Wendy said a moment later. "Why don't you just send a general email to the list--maybe one of the lurkers would know..."

Ness shook her head. "That's exactly what I'm afraid of--the lurkers reading the email." At Wendy's confused look, Ness explained. "Or have you forgotten about a particular lurker that we're currently hiding from?"

"Oh," Wendy murmured, "Yes, I suppose that would be a bit daft then."

Ness nodded sagely.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

R is for Really desperate...

Ness got up and started pacing up and down the room. Wendy took her place at the computer and started typing.

"Wen, what are you doing?"

"Mailing the list."

"We just agreed that would be a daft thing to do."

"I was humouring you. We've got to do something, Ness. These are desperate circumstances. And in any case, Daniel won't be checking his mail. They're all looking for us."

Ness let out a huge sigh. "I hope you're right." She leant over Wendy's shoulder. "What have you put?"

Wendy pointed to the e-mail on the screen.

~~~

From: Wendy Parkinson <wendyparkinson@hotmail.com>
To: <samandjack@egroups.com>
Sent: 09 November 2000
Subject: [samandjack] question for story

Does anyone know of a website that has a plan or diagram of the layout of
the SGC?
Thanks in advance.
Wendy

~~~

"Now we wait," said Wendy.

"I'm not sure if waiting here is such a good idea," said Ness. "If he is checking his mail, they'll probably be able to track which computer that came from. I think we ought to find another one."

"Hang on, we've got a reply! Pepsi's got a plan of the base, she's asked if she should send it off list."

"Say yes, and let's get out of here."

"Okay." Wendy quickly replied to Pepsi's mail.

~~~

From: Wendy Parkinson
To: pepsicola
Sent: 09 November 2000 09:37
Subject: Re: [samandjack] question for story

> > Does anyone know of a website that has a plan or diagram of the layout of
> > the SGC?

> I have a picture somewhere of the plan from Into The Fire, but I think
> that's the only way you can see plans. It's also all on one level, so it
> won't be much use if characters are going up and down in the elevators. :)
> If you want the picture, please e-mail me off-list.
> Pepsi

Thanks Pepsi. The characters are using the elevators but under the circumstances, every little bit helps. If you could forward the pic I'd be grateful.
Thanks again.
Wendy

~~~

"Done and dusted. Let's go!" Wendy carefully opened the door a crack and squinted through. "I think we're safe," she whispered, opening the door a little further. Both women crept out and began to make their way down the corridor. They heard voices approaching from in front of them. "Oh hell!" muttered Wendy. They both frantically looked round and then dived for the nearest door. They ran in, slamming it shut behind them. They stood transfixed, just inside the room. "Er... Ness?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

S is for Steamy Situations...

"Yeah?"

"My specs have steamed up."

"It is kind of warm."

"And steamy." Wendy took off her glasses and tried polishing them on a corner of the camouflage shirt she was wearing. It didn't really help. "I don't think there's going to be a computer in here."

"I wonder if..." Ness began, only to stop dead when they heard a voice singing.

"I ain't nothin' but a hound dog, crying all the time..."

"Elvis?" whispered Wendy in confusion. "So he isn't dead? Do you think he's been hiding out at Area 51 all these years?"

"Wen, don't be ridiculous. This must be the locker room and that's *someone* singing in the shower."

The voice warbled, "... I ain't never caught a rabbit and she ain't no friend of mine."

"The locker room? A'la'Broca Divide?"

"Guess so."

"Wonder if it's Jack?" The two women paused for thought for a moment, letting their imaginations run wild, eyebrows raised.

The voice stopped singing and shouted, "Is anyone there?"

"Oh damn!" Wendy muttered.

"Is anyone there?" the voice repeated.

Dropping her voice several octaves, Ness replied, "Yeah, who's that?"

"Graham Simmons, who's that?"

Ness and Wendy looked at each other in horror. "Should have guessed," muttered Ness. "That man's obsessed with dogs."

Wendy whispered, "Time to go whoosh."

Ness nodded in agreement and started to open the door. Both women jumped a mile when it revealed a janitor standing on the other side, holding a mop and bucket. He tipped his head on one side and looked at them curiously.

"Excuse us," said Ness hurriedly, dragging Wendy past him. They headed off down the corridor at a brisk trot.

"Do you reckon that was Brad Wright?" gasped Wendy, as they jogged along.

"Could have been. The description fits," said Ness, shooting her friend a grin.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

T is for Technology, where would we be without it...

"For crying out loud, they've got to be somewhere!" exclaimed Jack in frustration.

"We've looked everywhere, sir." Sam shrugged.

Teal'c added, "Perhaps they have already left the base, O'Neill."

Daniel sighed deeply and sat down at his desk. He logged in and absently checked his mail. Scanning down the list mails he said, "No, they're haven't. They're still here."

"How do you know?" asked Sam.

Daniel turned to his team-mates and grinned. "They just mailed the list asking for a map of the base."

"They're lost?" Jack was incredulous.

The archaeologist nodded, then turned to Sam. "Can you tell where they sent that mail from?"

"It'll take me a few minutes, but yeah, I should be able to." She sat down and began to type.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

U is for Uh-oh, busted...

"This will do," said Ness. "There's a computer in here."

Wendy sat down and logged in. "Brilliant! Pepsi's sent the plan. I'll just print it off, then we can get out of here."

Two minutes later, they were heading back down the corridor, towards the lift. Stopping in front of it, they grinned at each other and Ness pressed the button. The doors opened. The women's mouths dropped open in horror.

"Ness..." said Daniel.

"And Wendy," added Jack.

"Pleased to meet you at last," said Sam.

"We have been searching for you for some time," said Teal'c.

"You really shouldn't have started using our computers. It made you very easy to track," said Jack.

"I wouldn't say 'easy', sir," protested Sam.

"Yeah, when you checked your mail and received the map, we knew *exactly* where you were," added Daniel.

Wendy puffed her cheeks out and tried not to look at Ness, who muttered, "This is all your fault," under her breath. Sighing deeply, she shrugged. "Okay, we're busted." She held out her hands, wrists together, waiting to be handcuffed. Wendy followed suit.

Jack smiled. "Ladies, I really don't think that will be necessary. We just want to ask you a few questions."

"Quite a few," agreed Daniel. "Starting with 'why haven't you been answering our mails?'"

And before the women could do or say anything else, they found themselves promptly taken away.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

V is for Victory, at last...

"Now listen guys, I can explain..." Ness protested quickly.

Across from her, Daniel and Janet folded their arms, features creased in expectation. After being captured at the lifts, the women had been separated--Jack and Sam cordoning Wendy into one interrogation room and Daniel taking Ness into another. Teal'c had gone off in search of Hammond and Janet, sending the latter down to where Daniel and Ness were. Hammond was apparently trying to console the still-terrified Kawalsky.

"We're listening," Daniel prompted.

Ness gulped. At least there were no artefacts in the room they were in. "Um, well, ok... see what happened is that you guys--and the others--started emailing me so much--which was a good thing, don't get me wrong--that my ISP got really cranky with me... and well, that's why I told you all to email Wendy for awhile."

She held her breath as a silence filled the room.

"We know that," Janet said then, breaking the silence. "And we said we were sorry but--"

"But Wendy didn't have the answers we needed!" Daniel finished for the doctor.

Janet nodded in agreement.

Ness groaned... she should have known it would take more than a quick plea of truth to get her out of this one.

"Now," started Daniel, sounding more and more like General Hammond with every passing moment. "Just what is going on with this danandjan list?"

Janet shot him a dirty look, but sent one of expectation to Ness again.

Squirming, Ness tried for evasion. "You don't like the idea of a list being devoted to you?" she asked innocently.

Now it was Daniel's turn to fishmouth. "Well, yes..." he managed after a moment. "But the *content* has me more than a little worried."

Before Ness could answer, Janet turned towards the archaeologist, hands moving to her hips. "Why?"

Daniel looked embarrassed. "Well, see, look Janet, you're one of my best friends..."

"Thank you."

"And I like you, honest..."

"That's good to know."

"But..."

Narrowing her eyes at the archaeologist, Janet glared. "But what?" she asked. "But you think the idea of me and you is repulsive? You think *I'm* repulsive?" her voice rose dangerously on the end of her sentence.

Daniel's eyes went wide. "No! Of course not! It's just that..." Shooting a dirty look at Ness, he wondered just which of his precious artefacts would do the most damage if he threw it at her.

"Just what?" Janet demanded angrily.

"It's just that I've never really thought of you in *that* *way*!" he answered in the end.

"Well maybe you should *start*!" Janet responded, her voice more than a little furious.

Eyes wide, Ness watched the two argue for another moment before deciding on what may be a suicidal action, but was at the very least worth a shot.

"Um, guys?" she asked timidly.

Both rounded on her. "What?!" they shouted.

Holding her hands up in mock surrender, Ness tried to smile. "Whoa! Back off a moment," she paused to consider how to word the rest of her answer. "I was just going to suggest a... deal... of sorts."

Taking deep breaths, the two SGC members looked at each other for a moment and then at Ness.

"We're listening." Daniel answered.

With a deep breath of her own, Ness smiled. "Ok. Here's the deal--I'll cancel the danandjan list..."

Janet gasped in horror, whilst Daniel smiled.

"... *if*," Ness grinned. "You two kiss."

One... two... three...

"What?!" shouted Daniel again.

Ness nodded. "Yup, that's the deal. You two have to kiss--right here, right now--and if you can honestly tell me after that there's absolutely *no* *chance* for the two of you, I'll erase the danandjan list from existence."

Janet grinned--this was just the excuse she needed to get her hands on Daniel... without the guise of medicine getting the way either. "Agreed." she answered happily.

"Daniel?" Ness prompted.

Looking like he was about to pass out, Daniel slowly nodded. "A-alright," he stammered. "But only so that..." at the look on Janet's face, he wisely shut up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

W is for Why, why, why...

"Alright, we want answers."

Wendy smiled, undeterred by the stern look on Jack and Sam's faces. "So do we." she answered happily.

Sharing a confused look with Sam, Jack shook his head. "No--what I mean is, we want some answers about..."

"So do we." Wendy replied again.

Sam tilted her head to the side, and decided to take over. "Why are you here? Surely it's not *just* to see Baby Martouf..."

"Why haven't you two got together yet? And properly too... I don't mean any of that D&C confession stuff or WoO time loop kissing stuff."

Jack and Sam looked at each other. "Deeandcee?" he repeated.

"Woo?" Sam murmured with a confused shrug.

They shook their heads. "Why hasn't Ness updated the archive yet? We thought we were to email you to give her time to do the updating." Jack asked.

"Why is Sam going to marry Joe instead of you in the future?" Wendy retaliated.

Jack sent Sam a dirty look, to which she protested. "I don't know any Joes! Honest!"

Wendy smiled smugly.

"Why did you agree to give Maybourne a part in one of your stories? And willingly at that!"

"Why didn't you tell Sam that you kissed her more than once in the WoO time loops?"

"How does the list know so much about us and what we do--sometimes before we even do stuff?"

"Why didn't you tell Jack that you're restoring a motorbike and that's why you couldn't go fishing with him?"

"Why do people write 'twist' stories about us?"

"Why didn't you tell Sam that Anise kissed you?"

Sam and Jack groaned. This was going nowhere... and fast. Wendy simply smiled.

"Alright," she said eventually. "I'll make you two a deal."

Sam and Jack both looked at her dubiously. "Go on..." Sam prompted.

"I'll answer *all* of your questions--in full--*if*..."

"If..." Jack repeated.

"If you two kiss. Right here, right now."

Exchanging a look, Sam and Jack then looked at Wendy, eyebrows raised.

Hands raised slightly, Wendy grinned. "That's the deal, take it or leave it."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

X is for X-it, as quickly as we can...

Shutting the door quietly behind her, Wendy smiled. Well, that ought to keep them busy for the time being, she thought satisfactorily. Looking up, she found Ness likewise gently closing a door to her left. Moving to her friend's side, she nodded towards the door.

"What's going on in there?"

Ness grinned. "Left 'em locking lips." Glancing at Wendy's door, she raised an eyebrow. "You?"

Wendy sent her a similar grin. "Same."

The two women high-fived each other.

Giggling, Wendy inclined her head down the hallway. "Shall we go whoosh again?"

Raising her arm, Ness indicated the way. "Whoosh away."

As they made their way down the corridor and into the lift, Wendy sighed.

"What's up?" asked Ness, turning around to face her friend.

"What? Oh, nothing. I was just thinking it would have been nice to see Kawalsky again before we left... I really enjoyed talking to him last time."

Ness nodded. "Yeah... I know what you mean."

Wendy frowned. "You know, you never did tell me what the deal is between you two..."

Smiling secretly, Ness shook her head. "Let's just say it's a story for another time." she answered evasively.

As the lift doors opened, the two women quickly checked the way and then headed down towards their VIP room. Finding their bags untouched inside, they quickly shouldered the backpacks and headed back to the elevator.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Y is for Young man, there's no need to feel down...

They turned a corner, only to find their way blocked by Teal'c. "Vanessa Nichols, Wendy Parkinson, I wish to speak with you."

The women looked at each other, then at the Jaffa. They did their best to smile but up close Teal'c was huge. He really wasn't the sort of guy they wanted to annoy. "What can we do for you?" asked Ness.

"I emailed you both concerning my song repertoire. You did not reply." He looked hurt.

"We've been busy, Teal'c," began Wendy.

"Yeah, but I'm sure we can think of something now. Still into pop songs?" asked Ness.

The Jaffa nodded solemnly.

"I know!" Wendy exclaimed. "Something lively, something fun... something with *actions*!"

Ness groaned. What was her friend going to do?

"Just follow me, Teal'c," said Wendy, then she began to sing.

"Young man, there's no need to feel down I said, young man, pick yourself off the ground I said, young man, 'cause you're in a new town There's no need to be unhappy"

Ness stuck her fingers in her ears. "Wen, don't give up the day job."

Undeterred, Wendy carried on,

"Young man, there's a place you can go I said, young man, when you're short on your dough You can stay there, and I'm sure you will find Many ways to--have--a--good time."

"Come on, Teal'c, join in!" she encouraged.

"It's fun to stay at the Y..." Wendy threw her arms up in the air. Ness ducked out of the way. "M..." She pointed her hands at her head. "C..." As Wendy flung her arms to one side, Ness had to take evasive action again. "A." Wendy stuck her arms above her head.

Ness watched with fascination as the burly Jaffa started waving his arms around, mimicking Wendy, a look of extreme concentration on his face.

"It's fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A. They have everything For young men to enjoy. You can hang out with all the boys."

"That's brilliant, Teal'c. You're really getting the idea. Make sure you teach it to *everyone* on the base, won't you?"

The Jaffa treated them to one of his rare smiles. "I will Wendy Parkinson. Thank you."

"My pleasure, Teal'c. If we meet again I'll teach you how to do the twist."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Z is for Zat gun, we've seen one up close...

"You wouldn't really teach him how to do the twist, would you?" Ness asked as they walked into the car park.

"It'd be either that or the locomotion." Wendy grinned.

"You're incorrigible."

"Always."

"Ahem. Ladies. I'd like a word with you."

Ness and Wendy span round to be confronted by Maybourne pointing a zat gun at them.

"Why?" asked Wendy.

"You know why. Where's the story?"

"Ah... the story! Yes, well, I've been busy. I'm working on two things at once at the moment anyway. I can't do three, I'll get muddled up."

"You promised," interrupted Maybourne petulantly. Seeming to pull himself together he added, "I want to be a good guy. I want to get the girl."

Ness and Wendy glanced at each other, eyebrows raised. The man was clearly delusional. Ness licked her lips, then said, "Is that a zat gun, Colonel? I've never seen one up close."

Momentarily distracted, Maybourne replied, "Er, yes it is."

"Colonel, there's something I've often wondered--are those things heavy?" asked Wendy innocently, holding out her hand. Maybourne meekly passed her the weapon. Wendy muttered, "Not as heavy as I'd expected," and passed the gun to Ness, asking, "What do you think?"

Ness turned the gun over in her hand for a moment, then said, "I think I'm getting rid of this!" Taking a couple of steps run up, she threw the weapon as far as she could across the car park. There was a thud, then the sound of breaking glass. She winced.

Wendy frowned at Maybourne, who was staring at her sheepishly. "Colonel, if you had a brain, you'd be dangerous. And before you ask again--you will be in my next story, I promised you that, but there's *no way* you're getting the girl!" She turned on her heel and headed towards the car, Ness trailing behind her.

"Wen, let's get back to the airport before anyone else pulls a gun on us, shall we?"

"Good idea," her friend replied. They got into the car and drove out through the security gates, waving to Mac II as they passed. Soon they were out on the open road.

"Wen."

"Mmm."

"I think you've forgotten something."

"What?"

"In the USA they drive on the right."

"Oops."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Groaning, Daniel raised his head, rubbing his cheek where the keyboard had left a sleep imprint. Whoa... what a dream!

Yawning, he glared at the list discussions he'd been rereading whilst he waited for his new website to finish setting up. Thinking back now, it probably hadn't been the world's smartest idea to reread the "Mary Sue" conversations.

Finding his glasses half in and half out of his abandoned coffee, he grimaced, wiping them clean before putting them on. Peering at the screen, he was satisfied to see that the page had successfully loaded. His website--his very own!--was now complete and on the internet. www.geocities.com/djlurk/ --he'd even changed his nickname from "Dr D" to "DJ (the lurker)" so that it matched his yahoo email addy better; plus, there was no way Sam would be able to complain about him telling people a bit about his online personality this time--he'd made it both as vague and as real as he could, without revealing anything that would link him to the SGC.

Smiling, he exited out of Geocities and clicked on his mail icon. His smile faded when he realised there was no new mail--Wendy and Ness still hadn't replied to his latest emails for help over the danandjan list!

Wendy, Ness, the danandjan list... that reminded him of his dream. Tilting his head to the side, he thought about it for a moment. It certainly was the weirdest dream he'd ever had--list members coming to the Base--but the more he thought about it, the more it appealed to him. It would certainly make a good story!

Feeling inspired, he rubbed his hands together, booting up the word processor. Besides, if he wrote another story, maybe Ness and Wendy would finally email him!

And so, with a smile on his face, he began to type:

"The ABC's--SGC Style. A is for..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The End.