Title: Approaching Fate

Email: acheek@insightbb.com

Status: complete

Category: Sam/Jack UST

Rating: PG

Archive: SJA, Heliopolis, my site

Season/Sequel Info: 6th season, takes place during Frozen

Spoilers: In the Line of Duty, Frozen

Summary: Before going to talk to O'Neill, Sam contemplates the repercussions of her actions.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret Productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognized characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.

Copyright A. Cheek, July 2002.

* * * *

Picking up the helmet of my biohazard suit, I stop, catching my reflection in the thick plastic. The distorted mirror image of me looks like hell. Physically, I feel perfectly healthy since Ayiana healed me, but the tumultuous state of my emotions has made itself evident in my expression. I look like I'm about to vomit, and if my stomach doesn't stop churning, I very well might.

General Hammond was as kind and understanding as he could be, but nonetheless, I couldn't dodge his orders. He felt that I had the best chance of convincing Colonel O'Neill to agree to receive a Tok'ra symbiote temporarily. Personally, I think Teal'c could have convinced him -- duty, honor, that way of the warrior crap they both love so much.

Then again, Teal'c might have decided that Colonel O'Neill had the right to decide his own fate, and given up the moment "no way in hell" came out of his mouth.

Because I just know that's the first thing he'll say if Janet can wake him up long enough for me to explain the situation to him. It's pretty much a given. It's what I'll say afterwards to try and convince him that's important.

If he doesn't take the symbiote, he's going to die. Just the thought of it makes me feel like screaming, but I've got to stay calm. I can't go in to talk to him with tear-reddened eyes or a quaver in my voice. He'd die on the spot just to get away from the messy emotions in the room. I have to present this situation as a job to be done, a mission that only he can accomplish. No heartfelt pleas not to leave Teal'c and me so soon after we lost Daniel. No telling him that he's got so much to live for. And absolutely no indication that I'm asking him this because I love him and don't want him to die.

It's funny. Even now, after a year and a half of us barely acknowledging each other except to do our jobs, I can't throw him out of my heart. And it's not like I haven't tried. Flirtations with other men, situations where he was an insensitive ass, the sober knowledge that the universe is never going to give us a chance. I've become even more of an expert at hiding what I feel. I try and live my life logically, but the way I feel about him doesn't respond to the cold hard facts.

Which really sucks, because after I convince him to accept a symbiote -- failure is not an option -- he's never going to let himself get close to me again. In some ways, his blending will be easier than my experience with Jolinar. But he's still going to experience something he never wanted. I know full well that having a symbiote is his greatest nightmare, and I'm going to talk him into it anyway. I'm not going to use my feelings for him as a lever. I won't have to. He'll know the real reason I'm asking. And he'll give in.

Because I can't stand to let him die. Even if it means he'll never love me. If he survives this experience, he'll ultimately see this as a betrayal.

I settle the helmet onto my head and wince as I fasten the seals. Fishing. That would have been nice, to go fishing just once. Not that I have any deep, abiding love for fishing rods or worms on hooks, but just to be with him, far away from this place that demands our hearts and souls, would have been so wonderful.

Or a kiss. Just once, being able to kiss him in front of everyone, knowing that we had no reason to hide because we weren't doing anything wrong. That would have been a nice memory to hold in my heart after he comes back.

Adjusting the rest of my biohazard suit, I stand and head towards my fate. I almost hope he won't regain consciousness, so Hammond will make the decision without my having to take any action. But I don't think I'll be so lucky. He's going to wake up, I'm going to ask him, and he's ultimately going to agree.

The only thing I have left to hope for is that I can stop loving him. Maybe then this won't hurt so much.

--fin.