Title: Sensory Deprivation

Author: AC

Email: acheek@home.com

Status: complete

Category: Sam/Jack angst, missing scene

Rating: PG-13

Archive: Heliopolis, SJA

Season/Sequel Info: Season 4, during "Entity"

Spoilers: Divide and Conquer, Scorched Earth, Beneath the Surface, Entity

Content warnings: a few swear words

Summary: This must be what hell's like. Being alone with my thoughts is not my idea of fun.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret Productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognized characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.

Author's Notes: Thanks to Ann and Alli for the beta. Dedicated to the HW, for their support & friendship, especially during the past few weeks. You ladies are the greatest. I adore feedback, so please send your honest opinion. Copyright June 2001, A. Cheek.

* * * *

why are you so far away she said
why won't you ever know
that I'm in love with you
that I'm in love with you

you
soft and only
you
lost and lonely
you
strange as angels

--"Just Like Heaven," The Cure

* * * *

When Jolinar took possession of my body, I had no control over my actions, but I was still completely aware of what was going on around me. Perhaps she could have obscured my consciousness as completely as she did my body, but just didn't bother to do so?

In any case, I'm not so lucky this time. Assuming I get out of this, I can just *hear* what the Colonel will say -- I told you so, I told you so, didn't I *tell* you this was a dangerous idea, Carter?

Senses come and go, with no logical coherence. One moment, I shiver against cool bed sheets, then everything fades away except for a metallic taste in my mouth. Bitter, and impossible to banish. Sharp scents of infirmary disinfectants.

A guard's eyes flicker towards me, then dart away. Is he afraid--

The hard, reassuring sensation of a keyboard under my fingers. Comforting in its familiarity, and yet it isn't my will that forces my fingers to tap out messages.

I can't hear what they're saying. Everything's garbled. Whatever this thing inside me is, it's doing some real damage, but I can't concentrate long enough to form a sense of fear.

Janet's eyes are icy, her posture tense. Her mouth moves silently.

Cold, I'm so *cold*...

I hear Daniel speak, his tone persuasive, conciliatory, but can't understand what he's saying.

Colonel O'Neill stands before me. He's furious, I can tell. He has that blank look on his face that he gets just before he does something utterly ruthless.

For the first time, I sense emotion from the creature that has taken me over so completely. A surge of fear and desperation tingles through my veins. Quick movement, my limbs jerking erratically, without grace.

Cold concrete beneath my bare feet. Stride, quickly, then back, TURN--

Pain. Oh God, *pain*. What's happening?

And then, adding to the sensations sweeping through me, there's another crackle of energy. With whatever will I can muster, I focus my vision, and to my horror see Colonel O'Neill several paces away from me, holding a zat in firing position.

He shot me?

No, not me, whatever it is that's controlling me. What the hell is going on?

The agony continues, and if I had control of my voice, I'd be screaming my head off right now. Forget those Goa'uld shock lances that were used on Jolinar, this has to be the worst thing I've ever endured--

My perception fades ever more rapidly, until it seems I'm staring through a dark tunnel. I can barely see anything, just the Colonel standing in the corridor.

I don't think I've ever seen him in such agony. He stares at me, then adjusts his shooting arm once more.

The killing shot. Whatever being has control of me is forcing his hand.

Colonel, I'm so sorry!

His fingers squeeze the trigger once more, and the arc of energy racing towards me seems to take forever. This is the last thing Martouf ever saw, isn't it?

It's so close, and I'd flinch away from what I know is going to happen, but with a final surge of agony, my perception fades away completely, and there's nothing.

* * * *

I'm aware. That's about all that can be said at the moment. I'm aware of my thoughts. I think, therefore I am.

But I can't sense anything. Sight, sound, smell, touch, taste -- nothing's there. Just the presence of my thoughts to reassure me that I'm probably still alive.

This must be what hell's like. Being alone with my thoughts is *not* my idea of fun. My thoughts could get me into trouble. Give me piles of work instead, so I can ignore my feelings and just be the scientific genius, the miracle-worker of the SGC.

I wonder how long I've been in this sensory deprivation? Days? Seconds?

Oh, the Colonel is going to be so pissed off. I hope he's not being too hard on Daniel at the moment. Yes, our idea has had consequences I wouldn't choose, and yes, he had the right idea in destroying the entity. But it's always a calculated risk, isn't it?

When I think about it, the fact of the matter that Daniel and I were in absolute agreement was amazing. That's certainly not happened much this past year. After that horrible argument we had after the Enkaran mission, we finally seem to be recovering our friendship and ease in working together. But God knows, it certainly took long enough for him to pull his head out of his ass.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I was so tired. I'd managed to grab a quick shower before the debriefing, letting the scalding needles of water put some warmth back into me. The planet had been cold. Now if only I could thaw out my heart, and take away the knowledge of what I'd been forced to do. But first, I had the damned mission report to write.

"I thought you'd be here," I heard Daniel say from the doorway, his voice studied and neutral.

Resolutely, I kept my eyes on the computer screen. "That's right. I'm completing my report."

"Rationalizing the sacrifice of one of your precious pieces of technology? Because I'm sure you didn't blink twice when it came to putting one of your team mate's lives in danger."

I skewered him with a glare, but he just returned it. "You really don't want to start with me right now, Daniel."

"Why is that, Sam?" he challenged, grabbing the only other chair available. "Will you try and blow me up again?"

I tossed aside a notepad with a vehement thud. "Do you think I liked being put in that situation, Daniel?"

"You certainly didn't do anything to stop it!"

"If you'll recall, I was following orders," I replied coldly, the all-too-familiar anger with him coming to the surface. He really had no idea how he'd endangered all of us, did he?

"And that makes it all right, doesn't it? Because the military's certainly never wrong!"

"No, it doesn't make it all right, Daniel! But it was the only option I had available at the time. You were off playing hero, and someone had to actually have a contingency plan in case you weren't successful."

"Contingency plan," he repeated, his tone scornful. "I'm so glad to know you have such faith in me. You'd really have done it, wouldn't you? You'd have destroyed an entire civilization, just like Jack wanted to."

"That's right. And do you know why? Because whether or not I liked his orders, protecting the Enkarans was our responsibility, Daniel. And it's great that you came up with a solution that made all sides happy, but Lotan could have just as easily blown off all your arguments. And if you'll recall, I don't get the luxury of deciding which orders to obey -- that's strictly your territory. Besides, I didn't disagree with the Colonel's intentions."

Was that ever the wrong thing to say. His eyebrows practically flew into his hairline, and he looked at me with contempt. "I should have known you'd take his side," he muttered scornfully. "The military has to stick together at all costs, don't they?"

It had been a long day. We were both tired, and over stressed, and saying things deliberately designed to wound. Any other comment I could have blown off, but suddenly I saw red and wanted nothing more than to smack that arrogant expression off his face.

"His side? HIS SIDE?" I roared, taking savage glee in his alarmed expression. "I'm quite capable of deciding what my opinions are on my own! Is that your honest opinion of me, Daniel, that I have to pick and choose sides because I'm not smart enough to make up my mind?"

"Now, Sam--" he stood up and raised his hands, trying to calm me down. He didn't have a chance.

"Sit down now, Daniel. We're going to get a few things clear!" He sat. "I have to follow orders, but you've been making too many assumptions lately. If I agree with you, that's all well and good, but if I disagree, then I'm stupid?"

"I didn't say that," he argued more quietly.

"But you think it, don't you?" I retorted. "If you'll recall, Daniel, during our mission to Euronda, I figured out how the war had started on my own, without any assistance from you, I might add."

"I know, but--"

I rolled right over him again. It felt good, almost too good. This had been a long time coming. "We have to settle this, Daniel. I thought that maybe after almost four years of working together, you'd know me a little better than that, but I guess I was mistaken. If you really have so little respect for me, I can't continue working with you."

His face hardened. He didn't like threats any more than I did. Tough. "What are you saying then, Sam?"

"That if you can't accept that I have good reasons for the courses of action I take, Daniel, I'll make certain that one of us gets assigned to another team. I don't care which one of us it is. I'd like to think we're good friends, but the way you've been acting lately makes me think that you don't have any respect for me or what we've been through together."

The gauntlet was down, and we went at it with a vengeance. We talked for a long time that night, despite our need for sleep. After about an hour, we got tired of flinging accusations at each other and actually made some progress on resolving the differences between us. The next morning we were both bleary-eyed and woozy from too little sleep, but we were actually able to stand being in the same room with each other. And by the time we'd had the mission to Egypt, almost all was well with us once again. It was good to have at least one team relationship back to normal.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Of course, having a smooth working relationship doesn't do much to help me right now. I hate not knowing what's going on. It's even worse because I can only speculate on what might have happened when the Entity had control of my body. As for the small flashes of awareness, what do they tell me?

That Janet was upset and angry. Daniel was trying to find a solution. The Colonel was doing his best to push the Entity's buttons, and by that sense of panic I received, he was doing a good job.

He was holding a zat gun. Pointed right at me.

I have a really bad feeling about this. If Colonel O'Neill went so far as to shoot the Entity while it was in my body, then it must have been even more dangerous than we originally thought. And I have no idea if the fact that it was controlling my body gave me any protection from the zat. Probably not.

He fired twice. One shot to stun, the next to kill.

So why I am still aware? What did the Entity do? Am I somehow in limbo, locked away inside my own mind? Or I am already dead, and this is just the last fading remnants of consciousness?

Is there any way out of this nightmare?

He shot me. It's a terrifying thought, but also strangely comforting. I know how I feel about him, and how he feels about me, and he knows I know. We're being responsible, professional. I don't intend to cross the line with him. At the same time, I've wondered what would happen if we were put into a life-or-death situation again. The last time, he refused to leave me.

This time, he did what he was supposed to do. It's a tremendous relief to realize that he finally gets it -- that I don't want him to give me any special treatment. And he didn't. He did his duty, in spite of the fact that he's probably killed me, despite his feelings on the matter.

It's probably the greatest compliment he's ever given me. It's what I'd want him to do, and he knows it.

At the same time, this is going to seriously fuck up his mind. I speak from experience.

The part of me that holds the remnants of Jolinar loved Martouf so deeply, and the rest of me was quite fond of him. He was someone whom I'd felt instantly at ease with, someone who could be a friend without the need for constant conversation. Killing him was one of the hardest things I'd ever done in my life. Even now, the memory of his body, warm and heavy in my arms, is enough to make me tremble -- or at least it would if I could feel anything. The lack of senses doesn't make the recollection any less painful

At least I can't cry at the moment, or if I am, I can't tell. When we returned from P3R-118, I'd go home each evening, worn out from maintaining a professional facade. As soon as I was alone, I'd just lose it, crying for hours in frustration at what a mess my life was. I'd been there with Jonah, and when I was someone else I was free to love him. The memory of relaxing against the warm strength of his body was impossible to banish, as was the pain in his eyes when we regained our memories. After about a week, I knew I couldn't go on like that, so I just shut everything down again, like I always do. Once again, I threw myself into my work with a vengeance, doing all that I could to lock away what I felt. It didn't banish those feelings, but I pretended they weren't there.

I've tried dating other people. Well, two people, anyway. I went to dinner with Major Ramirez from sub-level 17, who actually does work on deep space radar telemetry. He's nice, but I think we both found each other a little dull. Then there was Connor, who I met in a diner one Saturday afternoon after he came in announcing that he had to know who owned the fabulous motorcycle in the parking lot. An evening out dancing told me all I needed to know. He was too nice for me. I liked him too much to continue seeing him, because I knew that he was an actual threat for what I feel towards Colonel O'Neill. I could be happy dating him, so I turned away.

And I know I'm not the only one doing that. I overheard the Colonel and Daniel talking one night when we were off world. They're nowhere near as discrete as they'd like to think.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The crackle of the campfire's flames at my back was a comforting sound, its warmth making the light blanket I was wrapped in almost unnecessary. We'd had a hard day's work under Daniel's direction, helping him unearth some old stones inscribed with who knows what. I knew that when the mission report was complete, I'd understand why we'd been helping him play in the dirt for the past few days, but for the moment I neither knew nor cared.

On the other side of the fire, Daniel and the Colonel were talking quietly, but after I'd fallen into a light doze, they didn't bother keeping their voices down. When I realized I was awake once more, I heard the Colonel chuckling over one of Daniel's jokes.

"Who told you that one?" he asked.

"Marni, from the infirmary," Daniel replied. "She's got some good ones."

"Hmm. Is she new? I don't remember her name."

Daniel sighed. "Jack, she's only been working in the SGC for the past three months. Marni Keatings, one of the nurses. You haven't noticed?"

O'Neill's reply was almost inaudible, and I considered just rolling over and going back to sleep. "Nah, not really."

I heard a slurp, most likely Daniel drinking some coffee. He could drink it at any time of the day or night and still fall asleep if he needed to. "Well, I guess it isn't all that surprising."

"Why not?"

"There's only one woman you really notice these days, Jack."

When the Colonel finally spoke up again, his voice was deliberately neutral. "What are you talking about, Daniel?"

"I'm talking about Sam, Jack. You've been mooning over her ever since the zatarc testing."

I winced, doing my best to keep still. At the edge of my vision, I saw Teal'c, leaning against the trunk of a tree, deep in kel'no'reem. If he was aware of the conversation, he didn't show it.

"She didn't tell you that," the Colonel stated confidently. "She wouldn't."

"No, Teal'c did."

What the hell? Where did Teal'c get off doing such a thing? The next time I was alone with him, I was going to... well, there's no way in hell I could wring his neck. He could break me in half without breaking a sweat. But I'd glare. *That* would show him.

"He thought I should know what was going on," Daniel continued. "Besides, the way you two behaved when you were Jonah and Thera, it wasn't too hard to figure out."

O'Neill's voice was heavy with unidentifiable emotions. "Nothing's going on with us, Daniel. We haven't broken any regulations."

"But you're not moving on, either," Daniel noted, taking another sip of coffee.

"And you think I should? Just find another woman to obsess over?"

"It might make things a bit more comfortable between the two of you."

"It's not that easy, Daniel," the Colonel stated bleakly. "I guess I could get over her if I really wanted to. Except I don't."

What?

"Do you honestly think I feel this way because all of a sudden I noticed that Carter's really hot? That she's got a cute smile and a killer figure? No," he said, while I struggled to breathe. I should sit up, I should do anything to stop this conversation because I couldn't stop myself from listening. "This isn't just about me not having had sex in a long time. It's not out-of-control hormones." He scuffed his feet in the dirt. "I love her," he confessed so softly that I almost didn't hear him. "And I know I'm not supposed to, but I don't want to stop."

And then, as I lay there in silence, my heart pounding uncontrollably, Teal'c stirred, and the other two men stopped talking. After a while, Teal'c joined them at the campfire and told them that he'd take the rest of the night's watch. They climbed into their bedrolls, and soon the only sound I could hear aside from the singing of insects was muffled snoring.

I didn't think I'd be able to sleep at all, but the next thing I remember was Daniel nudging my shoulder the next morning, with the sun already high in the sky.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

So here I am, stuck. Even in the outside world, I'm still stuck. I can either keep things professional and angst my heart out at every opportunity, or throw aside the regulations and destroy my career.

I don't like either of those options. But they're all I have at the moment. Catch-22.

At this moment, if I could be back in the real world, I really think I'd just say to hell with everything -- the war against the Goa'uld, my research, the Air Force -- and drag him off by the scruff of his neck to that fishing cabin he keeps taunting me with. I wouldn't pack anything but bikinis, halter tops, and tight jeans. Forget getting him into bed, I'd take him on the floor, or outside beside the lake if there aren't any neighbors around.

It would be such a relief to just get it over with -- to commit to that one, irrevocable course of action. His past invitations have been ingenuous. I believe he honestly thinks that we could go on a vacation together and still maintain protocol. But I know better. And if I get out of this, I think that I'm going to take him up on that offer. The hell with the SGC. Don't I deserve a personal life for once?

Who the hell do I think I'm kidding?

Well, I'm the only one here, as far as I know, so maybe I'm trying to fool myself. It's a nice thought, throwing everything aside to be with him, but I also know what reality is. I'd be giving up my work, the chance to see my father, the addictive excitement of interstellar travel. So I'm still stuck between two things I want. I can't be completely happy without both, but I can only have one or the other.

It sucks.

I really think I might be going mad, trapped here in this void of nothingness.

What does any of it matter, though? I don't know how to get out of here. I'm not even certain how much time has passed. If by some miracle, I awakened to the world, once again in control of my body, would I learn that centuries had passed? Or does my body even exist any longer? I think the Entity did something to shield me, but I have no idea what. Am I even in my body anymore, or am I just some wandering, incorporeal spirit, doomed to eternal consciousness without any sensations whatsoever?

It must be an indicator of my encroaching insanity that I don't really care. Maybe it's easier this way, just being torn away from everything familiar. I should welcome oblivion rather than fearing it. Finally, I have the chance to be at peace.

Because my life hasn't been peaceful for far too long. It hasn't even been very happy of late, either. I know that the shelf-life on unconsummated love isn't eternal. The Colonel and I can't maintain this level of longing for each other forever. Sooner or later, one of us will give up. He told Daniel that he didn't want to... but part of me knows that it will happen.

And is that all there is for me? To love him, to want him desperately, and to eventually watch him find someone else -- or even worse, to do so myself? I can't accept that that's what's supposed to happen. The thought is agonizingly painful, and yet I don't know how to make things right without sacrificing something important to me.

Maybe it's better to just die.

The war, my family and friends, the constant curiosity about what new things we'll discover and learn -- right now it isn't enough. It doesn't balance against the all too constant pain. Sometimes I get so tired of fighting, and this seems like the time to let go.

*flicker* ...

For a moment, I could swear that I felt something. But the sensation doesn't return. I must have imagined it, in some part of me that's still futilely clinging to life and hope.

So, I should just be honest with myself. I'm thinking about suicide. Or, at the very least, not fighting to live. I don't even know what I could do to get out of this void. Since that's the case, why should I even worry? Likely there's nothing at all that will save me.

I wonder what it will be like, the final drift into oblivion? Anything has to be better than being trapped with my thoughts.

*flicker* ...

Yes, I've gone crazy. No doubt about it anymore.

But although I can't see or use any of my other senses, I still have my memory. And I remember Jack's face -- I can call him Jack if I'm going to die, can't I? Stark and rigid with pain, he stood ready to defend the SGC against any threat, even me.

Jack, I wanted to love you so much.

He did the right thing. I'm grateful, and if I could tell him, I would. I just have to hope that he knows -- that shooting me was an act of love and respect for who I was, and that I'd never ask for anything more from him. We were good soldiers. We were strong. We never betrayed anything, except maybe what was in our hearts.

God, I'm getting maudlin, aren't I? Well, no one else is listening, so who cares?

I'm just sorry he had to be the one to end things. Better to have had a bullet in the head from one of the guards. He'll blame himself, even though he'll also know that I'd never blame him. And he's already had so much pain in his life. I didn't want to add to that burden.

FLICKER

Okay, I really don't think I was imagining it this time. Should I wait and find out what's going on?

Perhaps. After all, it's not like I have any idea how to commit this suicide I seem to be set upon.

The burden of killing someone you care about is heavy, I know. I still have nightmares about Martouf. And while I was fond of him, it was Jolinar who loved him, not me. If his death tormented me so, what will mine do to Jack, when I know that he loves me?

He's strong and stoic. He's survived a lot. But what if his love for me, which helped him do the right thing, ultimately becomes the very thing that destroys him?

I don't want him to be broken. He doesn't deserve that. After all the old wounds and scars, I want him to triumph. I like that idea, of Jack finally happy and content.

FLICKER ...

The hell with it. If I'm going to die today, it won't be because I decided to do so.

I AM HERE.

I don't know what's going to happen. It may be that I'll keep shouting until there's nothing left of me.

And if I somehow get back to normal, things will still be difficult. Life won't magically get better just because some alien consciousness screwed around with my mind. He and I still can't have each other.

I AM HERE.

But I can't deny the truth of what I feel, even when I can't show it. I love him. I'll do whatever I can to keep him from getting hurt. And if returning to life and the pain of the sensory world will ease his guilt, that's I have to try to accomplish.

It might be a foolish reason. It might be selfish or petty. If this works, within hours I'll probably be mocking myself for being such a moonstruck idiot. But at the moment, it's the only thing that can convince me to go on.

I AM HERE.

There's a new sort of awareness, unlike anything I've ever experienced, but I think, no, I know that my sensory deprivation is at an end. Will no one listen?

I want to see him smile again, hear his voice, have our hands brush carelessly together at times when we're not paying attention... it's going to hurt, I know that, but I just need to be near him once more. I need him with me, even if I can never have him.

I AM HERE.

The shout fills my very being. Hear me, bring me out of the darkness, please! I can't stand it in here any longer.

I AM HERE.

I want to live. Please, help me! If I have to keep screaming from now until the end of eternity, I'll do it. Because I won't stop, I won't give up. I won't do that to him.

I AM HERE.
I AM HERE.
I AM HERE.