"Always" by Aftyn Victoria

Title: Always

Author: Aftyn Victoria

Status: Complete

Category: UST S/J, Angst (maybe)

Spoilers: none

Rating: PG

Content Warnings: a swear word

Summary: A new member to SG-1's musings

Disclaimer: Stargate Sg-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for amusement only and I didn’t get any money for it. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. The song doesn't belong to me! It belongs to Brian May.

Feedback: Yes please.

'Just One Life' - by Brian May

I did not know you,
Our lives never touched,
Till the day they gathered to bid you farewell.
And they painted your picture,
And as I looked around,
I felt I saw you in the words and the sounds.

Your talent came flowing through the stories they tell,
And through the faces of those who loved you so well.
Your life gave them a treasure,
A piece of themselves,
Something they carry,
And still serves them well.

Just one life,
Just one life.
Just one life that is born,
And is,
And is gone.
Just one life,
And I'm so glad to know you,
as I know you now.

Perhaps inside you,
You were messed up like me.
But to them you were whole and strong,
A friend in their need.
And what you left behind you,
And what swept over me,
Says that your life's work goes on and on.
A piece of eternity.

Just one life,
Just one life.
Just one life that is born,
And is,
And is gone.
Just one life,
Did you ever have the chance to find out,
What life is all about?

I did not know you,
Our lives never touched,
Till the day we gathered,
To say our farewells.

I feel the need to shed tears, and I didn't even know the woman. I hear from Teal'c that she was a great warrior with an impressive mind. From Dr. Jackson, I learned that she was compassionate, brave and an all around good person. Dr. Fraiser has told me that Sam was closer to perfect than most will ever be. From Colonel Jack O'Neill... From him, I've heard nothing. He hasn't said more than two words to me, but from his eyes I've learned more than anyone could have told me.

He lost the world when he lost her.

Sure, Dr. Jackson, Fraiser and Teal'c lost a great friend, a comrade and maybe something on a higher level that people only reach when they save each other's lives on a regular basis, but for O'Neill... For him it's different.. I can tell by watching him when her name is mentioned, the pain is visible in his face and mannerisms. His eyes scream the injustice of her death, and his lack of speech reveals that it will take time for him to heal.

I've heard that this isn't the first time he's lost the world.

Whispers unveil to me his son's death, and his former wife's departure. He became suicidal after that, and I can't say that I blame him. Hell, after I lost my first husband to cancer, I wanted to kill someone, and I wanted to say a few choice words to the 'maker' himself. I can't imagine losing my own child, and then having my spouse leave me. Being alone. It would be unbearable.

Something tells me that when he met her, the dark fog lifted and he was able to see life as it is: a wonderful thing. As far as I can tell, there was no romantic relationship between them, however, I believe that if they had had a few more years together, there would have been. And I'm pretty sure it would have been a blissful thing, not perfect, nothing is perfect, but a truly good thing.

I heard that when she was shot down on P5W-3845, O'Neill scooped her up in his arms and ran like hell to the Stargate, and somewhere between the battle site and the Stargate, she died. She died in his arms. Perhaps she uttered unto his ears the vow of her undying love, or perhaps she didn't. Perhaps she merely said something about serving with him, or maybe there was silence as he raced over the grassy hills to the Stargate. Whatever happened, he won't talk about it... Not to me.

I've heard from Dr. Fraiser that the only ones he'll even consider talking to about her are Dr. Jackson, Teal'c and a child named Cassandra--Dr. Fraiser's daughter. I don't blame him for the dirty looks he gives me, because as he sees it, the higher-ups are trying to replace *her* with me... And there's no contest. Sure, I'm military like she was, with a science degree, but I'm not *her*, and I never will be, so in O'Neill's eyes, I'm inferior.

I don't blame him.

I don't even blame him for degrading me the first time General Hammond introduced us, or for making my life a living hell on missions with his snide comments. Eventually, I hope he'll come to respect my presence for what it is, not as a replacement, but instead as a stand in. I'll never measure up to his expectations and I know this, but he has to understand that she's gone and she *won't* be coming back. Never again will he see her smile or hear her words. Never.

I wish I could've known her.

People around base say that she could lighten any room with one of her smiles. She saved everyone's ass on more than one occasion. Heck, SG-1 had saved the world a few times. I have a feeling O'Neill no longer considers SG-1 a full team. Sure, we may have four members, but if she's not here, it's just not *SG-1*, it's something new, something different. And *not* something better in his opinion.

I wish I could've been introduced to the woman who had touched so many lives. I don't think she had a single enemy on base, and I already have more than a handful, including O'Neill, even if he doesn't know it. I accept his resentment, because I know that it would be hard for me to move on after losing someone so special. I accept and understand it.

I just wish it hadn't happened.

If only someone could've prevented it. If only the shot hadn't been fired. Apparently O'Neill blames himself, but I know it wasn't his fault, because I can tell that he would have done everything in his power to keep her alive. Because she was what was keeping him alive.

There's even been talk about O'Neill retiring, and maybe that would be better for him, for everyone. With him in this trance in which he has blocked out everyone and isn't exactly 'all there', there's a risk of something happening to one of the other team members, including myself.

As he walks to her grave, no one else is looking, no one else but myself. His words are whispered, but I can hear them clearly.

"I'll always love you, too, Sam. Always."

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Short and probably boring, but oh-well! I'm hyper, boring, but I guess I could be reading, seeing as I got 17 books at a flee market for $3.50! Hard covers too! :)