"This Is It" By DustDevil

TITLE: This is it

AUTHOR: DustDevil

RATING: PG

CATEGORY: Drama, angst, S&J UST

WARNINGS: Major character death

DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are not my property. I'm just borrowing their likeness'.

ARCHIVE: S&J Archive and Heliopolis, Yes. Others...please ask.

SUMMARY: The thoughts of the SGC staff in their last few moments

FEEDBACK: Yes please! Feeeeeeeeeeedbaaaaaaaaack...drool...

SPOILERS: Uh...don't think so...but it's set season 3.

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This is it.

The base is sealed down, and we make what surely must be our final stand in the gateroom. We have exactly one hundred and fifty troops here, armed to the Goddam teeth, and we will hold out till our very last breath. I will expect no less and ask no more from my men. Our last stand before oblivion. My men, my base.

Our iris has withstood a pounding over the last five days, and calculations have showed that we likely only have a few hours left before they come through. Even titanium has a breaking point. But our wills stand fast.

So we stand side to side, airmen, marines, scientists, technicians, MP's. United and equalised by this final threat, grim set faces staring at the iris in front of us. There's no-one in the control room now, no need. The self-destruct is set, blast doors sealed, and our lives tick away. But not without meaning, never without meaning. We do this to save our world. We do this to save our people. Our families, friends, strangers, enemies, all of them. This is for you. We do this for you.

This is how I always imagined my career ending. In a blaze of glory. This is what every soldier wants. Oh don't get me wrong, I'm glad I've had this long and relatively safe career. When I was assigned to this base, I thought I would count out my last days of active duty quietly, until the gate opened again. Then suddenly I was the commanding officer of the hottest base on the face of this earth. They say old dogs can't learn new tricks, but I learned them, and I learned them fast. I had no other choice. Now my last tour is coming to an end, and I'm going out defending my country and my world. When they come through they won't get far. They won't get past us. I order everyone to be ready, and I realise that that was most likely my very last order.

I'm going out as a fighting man, an MP5 in my hands, troops beside me. I'm no longer a desk bound General, I'm just one of the boys, just one of the soldiers. This is what I've always been, underneath. Willing to fight and die. Protect this world with my bare hands if needs be. The gate starts to spin and thrum suddenly, and I know the iris will not last long. I'm proud to be here, proud to be a soldier once more. I draw in a deep breath and pull myself straight, chest swelling. This is where I give my all, this is where I prove my vows, my honour, to the end...

This is it.

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This is it.

We're going to die.

I guess I knew that the Airforce held these kind of risks, but I guess that must have attracted me in some way. I heft my weapon and readjust my stance. As a doctor I have devoted and pledged my years to saving life. And today? Today I must take as many as I can, and no doubt give my own. This man's army indeed. Airforce you shmuck...Airforce...

I shift the strap once more on my tired shoulder and risk a glance around the room. Everyone is here. All the men and women I have worked with and treated for the last four years, and every one willing to sacrifice themselves so that others may live. I often wondered if that made those individuals selfless or were they just following orders? Well as I stand here now I know that no damn orders would make me do this, no damn orders in the world. That's not why we're here. One, we're here because we don't have any choice, two, we're here because there's no-one else. And three? Because it's the right damn thing to do. If I have to die to save the rest of the world, then yeah...I guess I'll do that. I can do that. So we take a few lives to save many, that's the way it's got to work sometimes I guess.

The gate starts to dial in from wherever they're coming from, and the sounds of guns being cocked fills the air. I do the same. Doctor and soldier. My job is to save lives, in whatever way. Well I'm just about to save five billion lives. Not a bad score, maybe it'll make the record books. I'm going to help save the Earth.

This is it...

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This is it.

I'm scared.

Well what the hell am I meant to be feeling right now? I'm not military, so I have no idea. Am I meant to feel self righteous? Honourable? Proud to sacrifice myself for my country and world? I don't know...is that what the others are thinking? A quick glance around shows me their eyes are fixed on the iris. Maybe they're willing it to hold, maybe that's what I should be doing. I know that by taking this job again after coming back from Abydos that I'd be facing danger on a daily basis, but I guess I never gave much thought about that danger coming to me.

If only they would talk to us. But that just isn't possible. Over the years we've just alienated one goa'uld system lord too many, and they don't generally respond very well to diplomatic chats. All they want is our deaths and I guess they're gonna get it. The others stand still, preparing themselves mentally and physically I guess, and all I can do is fidget. I glance down at my handgun and for the millionth time I check that the safety's off. I'm just not cut out for this kind of thing, but I guess I really don't have much choice. I'll do the best that I can to stop them, it's all I have to offer, and I hope it's enough.

The gate starts dialling in and I tilt my chin back in defiance.

I'll be with you soon Sha're, I'll be with you soon.

This is it.

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This is it.

I will die a warrior with my weapon in my hand. This is what I was born to be, and this is what I will die as. I gave my life in service to Apophis, and now I give my death to stop others of his kind. Better to die to stop the goa'uld that live in slavery to them.

I will miss this world. I have come to love this place, and many of the tau'ri who live here. These people accepted a former enemy into their fold, and many have become my friends. Most of all I will miss my team-mates in SG1. They are here with me now, standing shoulder to shoulder with me, and I will defend them and this world to the best of my abilities. I stand by Daniel Jackson, and my presence seems to comfort him somewhat. I will protect him, but I do not think I can save him. I wish I could. I wish I could save my friends.

Still I take solace that I may finally give some account for my crimes by giving my life for the Tau'ri. May my family and people find the freedom that I have.

I will protect my friends and my new home to my last breath.

The gate opens.

This is it.

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This is it.

I always thought that my big mouth and over confident manner would one day get me into some kinda trouble I couldn't get out of.

Things didn't quite go as I'd planned.

Well, okay so planned is the wrong word, try expected. But I guess death is death and it doesn't really matter how, when, and why you buy it.

Nah...

I don't believe that and never did. I may be insubordinate and often more trouble than I'm worth to my superiors, but dying in service to my country and my world means something to me. Believe it or not it does. You want me to get all soppy and emotional? Well okay, I love my country and I love my world. And I love my friends here at the SGC. That sappy enough for you? And I'm proud of them, so very proud of my team, Daniel, Carter and Teal'c. We were good together, the four of us, and though I know we would only have gotten ourselves into more trouble throughout the years, we would have had some damn good times. But I don't regret a thing.

Hmm...sure about that Jack? Okay...so maybe I regret one thing, one little thing. I flick my eyes to the left, and honey blonde hair bobs on the edge of my vision. One little thing. One little thing called Sam. I had to drag her away from her computer today, and reassure her that there is nothing she can do, nothing I'd expect her to do. I know she maybe thinks I take her a little for granted sometimes, but it's only because I think the world of her and her abilities. So I hauled her up here to make her last stand with us. Okay so maybe I'm being a little selfish, maybe I just wanted her by my side if I'm gonna die, but she came willingly, and she took her position by me and she stands here now, chin bravely firm as we wait for our deaths.

I'll miss her. I'll miss her and I wish...I wish...ah...forget it Jack. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Whatever feelings I've been denying I have for her have no place here. But I want her to know, I want her to know how much she means to me before we die. I take a small side-step towards her, and release a sigh when I feel the warmth of her shoulder come into contact with mine. The gate starts to dial in and I realise I don't have time for words. No time. I never had enough time, I wasted it. This is my last chance. I have to tell her, I have to let her know. Somehow I have to let her know...Last chance Jack...last chance.

This is it.

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This is it.

I only wish there was something else I could have done. I can't help but feel that there should be some way to stop them coming through. Maybe strengthen the iris or seal the gate somehow. Or maybe we could bounce the wormhole elsewhere...something! But I can't come up with a single thing. I spent the last twenty-four hours trying desperately to think a way out of this, and I failed. I let everyone down. It's my job to come up with last minute miracle solutions, and this last, most important time I let us all down. I would have been working on it still if Colonel O'Neill hadn't come to get me. He pulled me away from my computer and shut everything down. I was angry at first but he told me they didn't expect me to perform miracles every day. Then he steered me away and into the gateroom with the others, and I followed him without hesitation. He told me he wanted me to be with them, that he needed me there to fight beside him, and I was glad to go.

I guess my life and job as a scientist is over. From here on in, and out, I'm a soldier, pure and simple. And I'll do my job as a soldier and defend the base, my world, and my CO. It's my job. I'll miss this place and I'll miss my friends. I guess I always knew it could come to this, but we worked so hard over the years to prevent this eventuality. Well they may get us but they won't get the base or our world. If they come through, the base, and the gate, will be destroyed, or at least buried, forever.

I glance slightly to my side and the Colonel is staring straight ahead at the gate. I'll miss him so very much. I think I maybe love him. All this time, all these years my feelings have grown, and I guess I'll never get the chance to show him how much I care. I want to let him know, before we...before we die. I take a little side-step to my right and I come suddenly into contact with his shoulder. The warmth is so very comforting, and he doesn't pull away, in fact he leans slightly into me. I'm glad I'm with him, at the end. There is nowhere else I'd rather be than by his side, even in death. I wish I could tell him, I wish there was something I could do. The gate starts to spin then, and I realise this will be my very last chance.

This is it.

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This is it.

I take up my staff weapon and step up to the blue iridescence of the wormhole. Many of my fellow Jaffa have gone through before me, and I do not know what I may face on the other side, but I have no choice. I am first Prime of my goa'uld lord, and I must lead the attack against Earth. The gate takes me and I step out the other side.

Everything is silent. The battle is over and smoke fills the air.

I step further into the room and the smoke clears, giving way slowly to reveal the destruction that is left. Two score of Jaffa line the walls, and many bodies of their fallen comrades lie mingled with those of the tau'ri dead. The featureless grey walls are burnt and concave and this world is ours. Ours. I turn slowly as I hear a voice from far off, and my Jaffa snap to attention around me, staff weapons brought to bear. A female voice starts to slowly count downwards, and the gate powers down and the lights fade. The Jaffa around me start to mill and shout, panic clouding their voices. I simply stand here, and slowly let my staff weapon fall to the ground. The exits are sealed, we cannot escape. I am to be released from my years of service. Finally I will be free. No longer to spread crimson blood in my wake, I will be free.

I step to one side to avoid my running troops, and as I step over tau'ri bodies, something catches my eye. Two bodies lie here, a man and a woman, smoking holes in their chests like the others. But as the countdown proceeds I lean forward a little, and I see that their hands are clasped together, cold fingers tightly entwined as they lie together in death. I straighten then, and stare back at the stargate. Even in death these brave tau'ri had something I have never had...love.

And I will never have it now.

Today I die, today I pay for my crimes. I stand straight and firm as the voice grows louder, counting my life away.

5...

4...

3...

2...

1...

This is it.

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THE END
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Feeeeeeeeeeeeeedbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack...drool.....