"Drunken Thoughts" By Nikki H

Title: Drunken Thoughts

Author: Nikki.H.

Rating: M15+

Summary: Daniels thoughts when SG1 goes out one night.

Spoilers: 100 days, Shades of Grey

Classifcation: Angst/UST/Sam and Jack.

Archive: SJA yes, Helipothis yes.

Sequel: Yes.

Disclaimer: Sorry to disapoint you but nope, I own nothing. Showtime and MGM and all them other people own it, I own my imagination... I think.

Notes: Feedback would be nice, great in fact, but I hope you enjoy it.

--------------

Daniel

I don't know if I can take any more of this.

I turn away at the sight of Sam almost having her face bitten off by another guy. Some guy that isn't one 'us'. Some guy Sam had introduced to us as one of her old friends from the academy. What I'd like to know is, what academy did she go to exactly? Because if that's a science experiment I sure as hell wouldn't mind being the lab rat.

"Erm."

Even Jack looks a little hot under the collar. Sure Jack you can hide it all you want, but I know that you are wishing it was you being mauled my Sam. Wishing it was your hands running under her shirt and holding her ass to you body, wishing it was you hair she was raking her hands through.

"Should we leave now, Dr Jackson?"

Sure, Teal'c. I've certainly had enough, but if we leave who knows what more will happen, I can't help but feel responsible, and I don't care how long she's known this...fellow, he is wrong for her.

"I'm not really ready to go yet."

Good excuse Jack. Pull the other one. I look at Jack and his eyes are fixated on the empty beer bottle in front of him. Move over supermen, with the glare he's sending that glass it's likely to melt. I glance again over at Sam and frown. What is trying to prove? Is this to get Jack back for being a bastard to her? I thought she was ok with it. After Jack got back from being "Mr Mole Remover" she was normal, a little formal yes, but all of us where royally pissed off at him, even Teal'c muttered a few four lettered words, that in itself was a shock. But she seemed fine.

"Hey guys, why the long faces?"

I look up to see Janet smiling at us and I meekly burrow my head. Jack mentions to Sam, who is currently laughing with one leg draw around the what's-his-name's waist and titling her head back to expose a large amount of her chest.

Even Janet could feel Jack wince as he hungrily devoured her neck and trailed kisses all over her. Is she really trying to make us all sick? What is wrong with her? She is so smart, she should know better.

"Dammit, when I said live a little, that's not what or *who* I meant."

I look at Janet and see that a large frown had imbedded in her forehead. I'd rather not have her looking at me like that when she's going to give us our cheak up tomorrow. No thankyou.

I look up again and Sam at least had stopped her prancing about and was at least dancing, but with another guy. I groan and drop my head on the table. Jack on the other hand has almost broken his thumb in trying to break the beer with his bare hands.

"Janet!"

We all jump when Sam Comes tottering up to us, swaying slightly and smiling deliriously. Before either of us can say anything a tall man, I think he introduced himself as Tom or Tommy or Tim...I'm not sure, slinks up behind her and drapes an arm around her waist.

"Janet, this is Timmy-"

See I knew I was close.

"He's an old friend of mine from the academy and is staying in town for a couple of days."

More likely in your bed. I slap a hand over my eyes, as to push the bad thought out of my head. This is Sam, my best friend, I should be happy for her. It's not like she does this all the time.

"Hopefully longer, If Sammy will let me."

Oh no, she's giggling, just like she does with Jack and sends him a large smile. Oh-No. I look up to see Jack excusing himself and kicking his chair back, I stand up and go to follow him, saying goodbye to Sam and what ever his name was and take Teal'c with me. So much for a team night out.

"Perhaps we should cheer him up."

Good idea teal'c, how do you cheer up someone who's had their heart ripped in torn watching the women he wants be with someone else? Some how I don't think beer and pizza is going to do the trick.

"You guys don't have to come."

Yeah we do Jack. We're a team......well we where. And as a team we pick each other up when one is down. I put on my best reassuring smile and slap him on the back as we climb into car. She'll come round Jack, don't worry. She'll come round.

---------

"Women! Who needs them?"

You do Jack. 4 and a half hours later, and he's wasted. Totally and for once I'm glad that I am drunk too. Means I don't have to sit and think so much, means I can sit and just laugh at how funny that plot plant is. Funny.

"Phone!"

Who cares? I'm not getting up, I'm all nice and comfortable, this sofa is hugging me. So I hug it back. Wish the chairs in the debriefing room where as huggable as this. I know i'm wasted, but I don't care, really I don't, I like feeling like I'm about to throw up all over the carpet. I like feeling dizzy and like I've been running for hours and now I've stopped.

"I shall get the phone."

Who loves ya Teal'c? I do! Good old loveable, eye cocking Teal'c. Ya know what I'd give him a hug right now If I thought I could stand. SO I raise my beer and salute him. You da man.

"It is Major Carter."

It is Major Carter. Man I love his voice. It's so heavy and bold and at times makes you feel like your back in high school and your principal is yelling at you. But then again, Jack would know more about getting in trouble, I was the nice quiet one in school, while Jack was the prick of a Jock. Thought he was tough, huh I showed them, Super Danny, Space Monkey the first. Huh, shove that up your.......

"Tell her to screw herself."

I'd like to see that. I wonder if that would work? Maybe if she.... and now I know that I am wasted, because right now something in the back of my head tells me to sit up and listen, I can't for the life of me respond. If there was a goul'd attack righ now, I'd probably laugh.

"She is gone."

Good! But I stop and I think about it. Well more like let the image of her face settle into my brain and I recite her name until some feeling provokes action in me. I glance at Jack and he's holding a frame to his chest. And I feel it. The feeling of dread and guilt. Guilt for calling her every name under the sun for the last two hours, and not giving a damn when she is my best friend.

"I love Sam."

I hear Jack slur, but beneath all the alcohol he has consumed I know he's telling the truth. Not that it's anything new, It's just the first time he's ever said it outloud.

"I think It is best if you all retired for this evening."

Teal'c is right, he's always so damn right. So I close my eyes and collapse into the huggable couch. If I try hard enough I can pretend it's my own wife hugging me. Holding onto me like I was her life support, like I was the one true thing in her life that kept her whole.

The dizzyness has slowed and I can feel my heart beating lazily against my ribs. I hear shuffling and a thump and I know that Jack has gone to sleep. Teal'cs deep breathing fills the silence and I sigh. I miss the one noise I am so used to hearing, the little hump as Sam falls into a deep sleep. Little did I know that I would be a long time before I ever heard that noise again.

---------------

Jack

When I first sujested that we as a team should go out tonight, this is not what I meant. For starters, I didn't ask Sam to come so I could watch her play tonsil hockey with some guy that had just 'happend' to be at 'our' bar. The nerve. He had just pranced up all swave and sophisticated and basically spewed out the 'where have you been all my life?' to her. Funny thing too. She had know him back in the academy. So right now their going down memory lane.

Well his hands are going down.

"Erm"

I stutter out, before I even realise that I've said it. I can feel Daniel watching me and I know later he's going to give me a lecaure about how much I should tell Sam I love her. It's not that simple, you can't just grab someone and sprout 'I love you' and then act like all your lifes problems are going to disapear. I'll still be Jack and she'll still be my 2IC and we'd still be breaking regulations.

But Damn.

As much as I tell myself to forget I can help but wish it was my hands holding her so tightly, wish I could kiss her and whisper words into her ear to make her giggle. But I can't happen. Ever. But still even though we had a 'no touch' relationship, I still thought we had somthing. Thought we had made an agreement to still wait. I know it's not fair and that In Endora I almost broke our unspoken promise, but I didn't. I always thought of Sam and what she was doing. Sure I gave up on going home and I thought I'd never seen her again, but when ever I kissed our touch Lara, I wished it was Sam, and everytime Lara touched me I felt like I was cheating on Sam. It would've been so easy to give into Lara, she was sweet, caring.....but she wasn't Sam. No one could replace her. And now it looks as if shes had no trouble finding someone.

"Should we leave now, Dr Jackson?"

We should leave, I hate sitting here watching her. It makes me feel like dirt, that I was not worthy of the likes of Major Carter and makes me sick to the stomach that I love her that much that I 'can't' hate her. I still care for her and I can't help but feel the need to look out for her. To make sure she dosn't get hurt.

"I'm not really ready to go yet."

I lie. I'm an awful liar, I am so suprised that the guys didn't figure out that I wasn't really stealing technology and turning bad. As mean as I was the look in Sam's eyes when I told her that I hadn't acted like myself, I thought for a second maybe she knew. Had seen through the sarcasm and I was really reaching out and saying 'This isn't me'. Whether she did or did not understand it, she never spoke of it. Nor has she ever spoken about the time in Endora. Maybe I was wrong all these years, maybe she just puts up with becasue her job requires her to do so. If so......I feel like I've wasted my life.

"Hey guys, why the long faces?"

I look away breifly from Sam to see Janet smiling at us. I smile my hellos but my gaze falls back on Sam. Could she be infected? This can't be her acting all sexy and cheap. This is not my Sam. My Sam is innocent, a beatiful rose, carefree. Not this.... and I wince to see her giggle and throw her head back in delight.

I look up to see Janet watching us intently, a smile licking at her lips and at the Sam time glancing for Sam. Sure I'll show you where Sam is, but your not going to like what you see. And then you'll be like us, torn between staying and leaving.

"Dammit, when I said live a little, that's not what or *who* I meant."

I look at Janet surprised, She looks angry and irritated. So your the one who sujested she go and 'live a little'? Thanks Doc. But I tell myself that Janet had no intention in Sam's actions and was probably trying to cheer her friend up.

Sam starts towards us and I drop my head. I don't want her to see the emtions that I know she'll see in my eyes. Damn her. Why can't she be some ugly, boring, big nosed scientist that I can hate? I rub off the label on the beer bottle as I feel anger well up inside me. Not anger at her, that would be easy if she wasn't Sam, but anger at myself, for being such a fool.

"Janet!"

I jump as her voice errupts through the music of the bar and she greets Janet with a warm smile. It the first time she has come back to us since we got here, and we've been here for 3 hours. But just as I pull my eyes away from the bottle, the 'other guy' comes up and wraps his arms around her waist. Good for you, you Goddam prick, go take her home and have hot raging sex. I don't care. You hear me? I DON'T CARE!!!!

"Janet, this is Timmy-"

Oh so Mr Prick has a name?

"He's an old friend of mine from the academy and is staying in town for a couple of days."

Please, I'm going to be sick. Quit playing happy familys and piss the hell off.

"Hopefully longer, If Sammy will let me."

That's it. I decide as I hear Sam's tingling laughter and she sends him a kilowatt smile. That's *my* smile. I kick back the chair and storm away, I don't care If i'm acting like a spoilt child, I don't have to sit around while she's playing.....I bit my lip, I wont go to the level of calling her names. So instead I'll go home and knock myself out with Alchol. God bless whisky.

I feel the guys following me, and I feel a tiny little bit better. At least I have *some* freinds I muse depresed, but it's not fair to drag them down with me.

"You guys don't have to come."

I knew they wouldn't leave me, and I'm glad. But I still feel like crap and there's only one way to cure it. To forget. Dosn't matter if I feel like hell tomorrow, if only for a while I can forget and live in a world of beer and pure bliss. Who needs a woman to brighten your world? And as we climb in the car I know who need one.

Me.

---------

"Women! Who needs them?"

I decalre 12 beers later. Yeah baby, who? For a brief moment I feel liberated, until I catch sight of the gold picture frame on my mantle. I Snatch it greedily and touch the people in the picture. Teal'c, Daniel Me.....and Sam. Samantha. Smiling up at me with a almost gold aura around her.

"Phone!"

I delcare as I hear it ring. I look to Daniel to pick it up, but his looking at my pot plant with a bemused expression on his face. Idiot. He's totally wasted and he's only had like 3 or 2. I shake my head and look back at the picture frame, all the while egnoring the trill of the phone.

"I shall get the phone."

Thanks teal'c, your a pal. Real pal, your all big and strong and despite the fact that your an alien, you and Danny have been one of the best friends i've ever had, that and Tom but he's dead and charlie and kowlaski and well they both suffered the same fate. Maybe it's me. Maybe that's why Sam has run away, far, far away from me. Up and Up and Up....

I'm gone.

"It is Major Carter."

Oh so she's come running back now? Realised that she can't live without me? well I don't care, casue I'm over you. Yeah, I don't need you and your pretty face or your smart brain or you god damn sexy ass, I got me and this beer, that's all I'll ever need.

"Tell her to screw herself."

I tell Teal'c, he looks at me blanktly and almost gives me a disaproving glare, but I wave him off. I know Sam's heard, and I don't care. Good ridance, to sexy rubbish.

"She is gone."

No come back, I didn't mean it. I moan and hug the photo frame to my cheast. I'm sorry I'm just.....drunk and upset. SHe'll forgive me wont she. I'll go to her tomorrow and say I was drunk and that I didn't mean it and that I hope her and Mr Prick live happily ever after.....yeah and then I'll become best friends with Maybourne.

"I love Sam."

I say before I realised my lips are moving. Wow I've said it, but by the looks of the rest of the team it's nothing new and they just nod. Danny is falling a little to the side and I think he's gonna pass out.

Good Idea.

"I think It is best if you all retired for this evening."

Yeah, I will. And I close my eyes and fall to the side, hitting the carpet with a clunk and allowing the bottles to roll away. I'll clean in the morning I think sleepily and fall asleep. But as I fall deeper into a dark hole I feel something in my stomach pull at me, telling me something isn't right. But it's just the whisky right? Nothing's happening....nothing but Sam and Mr Prick having it off.

Screw them.

If Only I had of known.

----------------

Janet

When I saw SG-1 sitting at their usual table at the bar, I was glad that Sam had taken my advice and gone out for a night with the guys. But as I made my way towards them, I saw the frowns on their faces and I was worried.

"Hey guys, why the long faces?"

Jack looked up at me first and I saw hurt in his eyes, Daniel refused to meet my eyes and burrowed his head, while Teal'c tilted his head. Sam was no where to be seen. I wondered if maybe they had a fight and Sam had gone home.

Boy I wish they had of had a fight.

I heard Jack wince and I shot a look at him questioninly, then he pointed Sam out and my heart sunk. The one woman I would never expect in a million years to do anything rebellious was almost lap dancing with some blond guy.

At first I thought maybe It was a trick of the light and that the female in question would turn around and reveal some similar looking blond. But it didn't happen that way and I could feel the tense air over the table as Sam giggled.

"Dammit, when I said live a little, that's not what or *who* I meant."

I frowed. What is she doing? I know she was mad at Jack and I know that she was feeling unapreciated, but this was not the way to go about it, and did she even know this guy?

When I told her do go out I expected it to be Jack, and to high five Daniel as we saw Jack and Sam pashing madly. That was the plan, that's how these things are meant to go. That's how all good movies end.

"Janet!"

I jump as I Sam calls out my name and she almost skips to wards us. At least she's happy, I think vagely, but I wish it was someone else she had of been deliriously happy with. That some one who was right now holding his beer in a death like vice and who looked shattered.

"Janet, this is Timmy-"

She introduces him, and although I feel a need to punch the guy he's also fairly cute. He smiles with perfect straight white teeth and drapes his arms around Sam as if he'd been doing it his whole life.

"He's an old friend of mine from the academy and is staying in town for a couple of days."

I wish she had of told me that. Wish she had of warned me before I told Sam to go out and live life to the full. Becasue now I feel as if the reason that Jack looks like he's about to die was my fault. I pushed her into the arms of another guy, no matter how good looking he is, she should be in arms of the one person who would walk to the ends of the world for her.

"Hopefully longer, If Sammy will let me."

I watch as Jack kicks his chair back and storms out of the room. Sam looks at me and shrugs, while Daniel gives me a weak smile and excuse himself with Teal'c. It's all my fault and I slide into the abandont chair. Sam and what's his name start to chat and share chaste kisses, while I put a cold hand to my burning forhead and wonder how I am going to make it up to Jack.

"Excuse me babe, but the mens room calls."

Yeah that's really spohisticated, why don't you show her how your gonna do it to? I curse myself for being so rude, but as I see Sam wave and blow him a kiss I nudge her in the sides.

"What are you doing?"

I hiss madly. She looks at my confused, looking all innocent and flushed in the cheaks. Don't give me that glazed look Samantha, Don't even dare lie to me. You know very well what your doing, your trying to replace the hole in your heart with some one else. But if you looked hard enough you'd see that you wouldn't have too, cause he loves you back.

"What's wrong with feeling needed for once in a while?"

Sam snaps and she looks at me angrily, Never before have I felt so hurt with such a cold look. If she wasn't my best friend and my daughters Aunt, I would tell her to go jump.

"Nothing. If you where like that. There where 3 men sitting here, who need you and you just ruined any chance you ever had with one of them. It's not that you don't feel needed, It's that your too scared to need some one. And finding it in some guy who you know will only hurt you is not so much unfair as it is selfish!"

I finish my speech with a sneer and stand up, not daring to look at her as I stalk towards the coat rack and burst out side. Maybe I was a little harsh and maybe I could of delt with it a better way. But I didn't, and that Is what I felt at the time.

I didn't know what would come later.

-------------

Teal'c

The Tauri race are funny people. Not so much funny in a humours way, but more funny in the way that they treat one another is a joke. They like to claim that they are compasionate and kind and loving towards each other, and at times yes, they are. But none of them can say they have never done anything to hurt another intentionly.

Deceit, Longing, Denial, Hate, Jealousy. Words I have come to know since my time on Earth. All of my friends have used them against one another. The strongest source coming from Jack O'Neill and Samantha Carter. The two of them live by Denial each day and no matter what they say or do, they are both living in a world of unspoken desires and shattered dreams.

When they took me out that night, It was my assumtion that it would be like every other outing. We would go out, Daniel would pass out, Sam and Jack would Flirt and I would learn something new.

But It wasn't and it all started when we met another Tauri who, as you could say, rocked the boat. Infact it sent them tumbling over board. Hmmm that is a good one, I will remember to use that in future instances. But as I was saying, O'Neill got rather upset and we ended up leaving not long after Dr Fraiser arrived. All in all, I would say that I was rather un nerved by Sams lack of character. She seemed like she was playing the part of a rebel, but a rebel without a cause no less. Another good one to use.

So when we got home it was no surprise that both Daniel and Jack turned towards their normal consumption of alchol. It is a wonder the Tuari race are so strong when all I ever see is drunken delima and hang overs. They refuse to deal with the problems, they claim they are just to proud, but really they are scared and run faster than serpent Gaurds when attacked by Asgaurds.

"Women! Who needs them?"

O'Neill surprises me the most. A man full of pain and unwanted emtions, can not suprese his desire for the Major quite as well as he thinks he can. I watch as he craddles a frame to his cheast, like it's some kind of life suport. Humans are so dependant on their memories and trinkets that It makes me wonder sometimes, just how ever did they get around to exploring the galaxy?

"Phone!"

Both looked unintrested and avoided the phone, expecting me to get it. I rose from my seat on the couch and started towards the phone.

"I shall get the phone."

I announce and pick it up. I always feel slightly unnerved when I pick up the 'phone, such a simple mechine that we never had on my planet, but one that I have come to know how to use quite well.

"Hello?"

"Teal'c?"

A small cowardly voice answers and I know that it is Major Carter. I feel slightly relieved and turn towards the other two to let them know, so maybe they could stop drinking and finally face the problem at hand. That one of them was scared and felt alone and was crying out for help.

"It is Major Carter."

They egnore me, and even Daniel seem's preoccupied with the lounge he is sitting on. Studying it like one of his books. Jack look up drunkly, his eyes glazed and I wonder for not the first time, If he drunk too much, would his head roll off his shoulders?

"Tell her to screw herself."

I turn to cover the phone but I hear her gasp and what sounds like a sob. I glare at Jack slightly and look at Daniel for some sort of help, but he has no compassion forth coming.

Before I can figure out what to do exactly she has slammed the phone down and I stare at the phone blankly before turning back to the other, feeling slightly angry towards them, but at the same time sympathy.

"She is gone."

I announce, Daniel simply burries his head further, while Jack holds the photo tighter to his chest. So I am not surprised what he announces next.

"I love Sam."

The alchol has set in and I know that they are almost ready to pass out. Like most nights they drink to much and instead of getting up and getting comfortable or trying to sober up, they simply crash where they are and give a toss to the wind and let tomorrow be what will be.

"I think It is best if you all retired for this evening."

I tell them and none of them refues. Some how it doesn't feel the same without having Sam call out that shes going to feel sick in the morning, and it feels even worse when I remember how lost and scared she sounded on the phone.

They fall asleep and I close my eyes, I pray that she is alright and that in the morning things will indeed be better in the morning. But if I had of known what I did now I would of hung up the phone and gone after her.....

Instead I'm sitting in the infirmary watching a heart moniture rise and fall.

------------

Sam

Tonight was meant to be my 'living life to the full' night. Turns out be careful what you wish for and more importantly be carefull you wish for the right person. Tonight was meant to be fun, a night out with the guys, a night out with Jack, showing him I wasn't just some other solider.

But some times fate has a way of dealing with things. We went, I was all geared up, choosing to dress in a skirt instead of the reugular jeans and a low cut top. I was determined to show Jack, just how feminie I was. It worked in more ways then one.

Timmy MacGee was there. My academy crush. He was everything when I was in the squad, every female soilder loved him, the guys thought he was the coolest thing and everyone looked up to him. He was the kind of guy your mum loved,the kinda guy that your dad dragged out the back to talk football and male macho things. Timmy MacGee was in my eyes a God, one that i'd do anything for. That is before I was old and sensiable enough to see through.

Yeah, well that's what I told myself when I found out he was married.

SO naturally when he was there at the bar, I felt the old butterflies come back into my stomach. I thought maybe I had finally gotten over Jack and now that Timmy was now a single man I could find myself someone to love. How was I to know that he was using me?

How was I know that everytime he ran his hands up and down my body he was really only doing it for a cheap kick? He wanted sex, there and now, just so that the hole in his heart that his wife had left, could be filled for one brief moment.

But like I said as he was the kinda guy you'd do anything for. SO I fell for his charm, revelling in the touches I had long forgotten, danced in the sudecutive dance of promise and just the general fact that for that little moment I was the single most important person in the world and that I was sexy.

I didn't understand why Jack went storming out or why Janet told me I was selfish, or why my best friends in the world couldn't understand that I just wanted to forget about saving the world and being miss perfect for just one night. I wanted to be dark, mysterious and sexy. Not a geeky scientist, not a little good soilder that had a crush on her CO.

Now I see that they where only trying to save me from what was to come, but even they didn't see what was to really come, nor could they understand it. So when they left the bar I felt disapointed, but I was kissing a man a had wanted for years when I was in the academy and I believed all the promises and sweet things he said.

So when he pulled me towards his car I didn't think about the reality of the situation. I was going to go with a stranger, his agenda clear that he wanted to do more than talk, but being doppey and giggly, drunk and feeling sexy I climbed in his car and we drove.

Where we ended up I did not know. But it was cold and dark and there was a forest behind us. Perhaps it was the alchol or the fact that I felt wanted that made me let go, but I know it was when he threw my Jacket at me and called it a night that reality hit me. Hard.

"Don't call me, It'll just make things ackward."

He had said and had almost but kicked me out of the car and drove off, leaving me to feel cold and alone in the middle of a freeway with only my jacket and torn skirt to protect me from the winter wind.

I don't know how long I walk or how far but when I finally found a pay phone I was in tears. I had made the biggest most irrisponisble mistake in my life and not me or anyone else could fix that. So I ran Daniel, hopping he would be home and didn't hate me as much as I hated myself, and I broke down over his answermechine phone. A tough, supossedly smart woman was crying into a pay phone sounding like a teenager in the middle of a dark desperted forest.

I eventally stopped crying and rang Jack, feeling stupid and ashamed, but feeling like he was all I had left. Teal'c had answered the phone and I was relieved, but I could hear Jack in the backround.

"Tell her to screw herself."

And I knew at that instant I was alone. I had ruined everything I had and hurt the man I thought I had loved for 4 years. I hung up, ashamed and wanting to just run away from everyone and disapear.

Once again. Be careful what you wish for.

The End.