Title: Hanging by a Moment

Author: Amélie Allard

Email: amelieallard@hotmail.com

Status: complete

Rating: PG-13

Category: Sam and Jack UST/angst/romance, adventure

Summary: SG-1 being divided by two different societies, Sam must pretend to be a man to survive.

Spoilers: none, except for a few references to Divide and Conquer

Season: four (ish) but it doesn't really matter

Archive: SJA yes, please. Others please ask

Warnings: Maybe some language but nothing bad.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret Productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognized characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.

Author's notes: I'd like to thank Flo for betareading this, and Ravital and Gasst for their constant encouragement! Thanks guys! :)

Feedback: oh yeah! Definitely!

Copyright Amélie Allard 2001

~~And the whole world seems to be leaning on you
And you tell me you don't know what to do
Wanting to come out is the world you hold inside
Afraid they are for the world outside will divide
For they don't know what I know, they don't know what I know~~
    "So they say" by Soul Attorney (used without permission)

*****

"Where's the MALP?" is the first thing Carter says as her foot steps on the porch. I shake my head, annoyed that her doohickeys are always the first to gasp her attention, and glance around, my weapon ready in my hands, trying to get a glimpse of the MALP through the fog. It's so dense I can't see any further than my feet.

"It should have been here Major Carter." Of course we all knew that, but Teal'c sometimes tend to say things that we all already know.

"Yes," she replies, "it should." She walks down the little steps that lead to the Stargate, Teal'c and I imitating her, our weapons still ready for any eventual… situations. I glance at her from the corner of my eye, trying to determine if she' ok. She looks tense, I notice, which makes me feel like shit. After all this is my fault. Kinda.

"Isn't it supposed to take a look around?" Daniel asks as he joins us.

"Well, no, it was there half an hour ago when we shut down the Stargate from Earth. It had already done it's probing." Carter replies, still looking around. It's a planet very much like any others, with many trees and damp and chilly, with that fog that seems to get through you to the bones.

"O'Neill, I believe these are prints left by the Malp!" Teal'c exclaims as he goes to examine the marks on the ground. He's right, they're obviously coming from the probe's tires, going deep into the forest.

"Is it possible that it went on its own?" Daniel asks as he peers at the marks from above my shoulder.

"It's not very likely" Carter replies as she too takes a suspicious look at the ground, and then to where the marks lead. The forest looks suspiciously like a haunted one, with the tall and dark pines surrounded by dense fog. I notice her shivering as she looks at it.

"So this planet is inhabited after all!" Daniel muses out loud.

"Or not." I snap. "There are no footprints around." I don't know why but I got this feeling that this mission is going to be a little longer than the little archeological survey we came here for. "Okay, here's what we're gonna do. Carter, you go with Teal'c get your malp, and I'll go with Daniel take a look at the caves. The prints are fresh so it shouldn't be very far. We'll keep in touch with the radios, understood?" I order dryly as I look at each of them. Daniel raises his hand slowly and I glare at him. "What?"

"You…er…you're coming with me…look at the caves…?" He sounds so incredulous I pretend to be hurt.

"Yes Daniel, I am. Now let's move!"

Carter intervenes next. "Sir are you sure? I mean if someone took the malp then maybe we should all go and try to communicate. And we might need Daniel's help!" She pleads, her eyes wide at the idea of going into that forest.

"Major, these are my orders and it's final." She glares at me for a moment, her frustration clear in her eyes and I hold her look impassively. After a few seconds she nods reluctantly and leaves with Teal'c to the right, following the prints the malp left, when Daniel and I go to the left, where the caves are supposed to be.

I don't know why I'm acting like this around her lately. I know it has something to do with the last conversation – fight – we had, Carter and I, but I promised myself not to let my personal life over powering my professionalism. That's what regs are there for, for god's sake! But by allowing myself to be bitter towards Sam, I'm doing just the opposite of what I'm supposed to do as a soldier and a CO. I let my anger and suppressed frustration take over me instead of cold determination of making things right, as they should be, between Sam and I. And I hate myself for that.

We progress slowly up to the caves, the fog and the climb up the rocky hill making it difficult. It's getting even chillier the higher we get, but still we sweat from the effort. Daniel was getting breathless when we can finally spot the entrance of the caves.

"Thank God" He mumbles behind me and I smile as I turn to look at him.

"Now, you see Daniel, this is exactly why you have to work out." Knowing how much he hates working out, I don't lose a chance when I have one to tease him about that. He snorts, trying to catch his breath.

"Yeah, like hell…"

We cautiously walk into the caves, turning on our flashlights as we disappear into the darkness. We make our way through the thin tunnels and walk passed such stalagmites, a geologist would pass out just looking at it on TV. Even Daniel gawks a few times as he records all this on video. About a hundred meters from there is what we came here for; some huge scenic pictures that would confirm the presence of life here. Even if I wouldn't really describe myself as an art lover, these look fairly impressive.

"My God this…! This is…amazing!" Daniel manages to say as he literally drools at the native drawings. "Jack! This is absolutely incredible!" There's an entire wall with paintings on it that could look like those we can find in the prehistorical caves back on Earth, with bull-like animals pictured in yellow and black.

"Yeah, why don't you put it all on tape, I'll go and try contacting Carter and Teal'c, just to make sure everything's fine on their side." Daniel absentmindedly nods while he picks up his camera. "You can meet back at the entrance when you're done." I add, even if I'm not entirely sure he's really listening. I walk all the way back at the entrance, blinded by the severe light emerging through the hole, even if by the looks of it the fog has gotten even worse than before while we were inside. I can't even see the bottom of the valley anymore.

I grasp my radio, deciding I'm out enough to make contact with Carter and Teal'c, see if they managed to find the malp.

"Carter? Teal'c? Please come in?" I speak, and then wait for one of them to pick up on my call. After a few seconds without any responses, I try to stay calm and try again, without much luck either. Seconds later, the static emanating from my radio tells me someone's responding. I wait anxiously for the signal to get to me.

"Jack what's wrong?" I sigh in frustration.

"Daniel, you done yet? We need to get the hell out of here and find the others." I say as I feel the familiar mix of feelings – fear, worry, guilt – sweep through me, my guts urging me to do something, shouting out to me that something is wrong. Very wrong. When I realize he's gonna ask me tons of questions, I decide to stop him before he even starts. "I'll tell you everything while you're on your way back, we don't have time to chat, now get the hell over here!" I didn't really mean to yell, but this is urgency and I need Daniel to understand that.

"Coming…" He replies and I picture him picking up his gear and running back over here. When he finally shows up a few minutes later, I know I had pictured him right as he's trying to catch his breath and panic is clearly reflected in his eyes.

"Come on let's go, I'll explain to you…" I stop abruptly as I feel cold metal on my throat. Looking up, I realize about fifteen men, men I didn’t see coming in the dense fog, surround us.

Damn.

*****

"Are you sure this is the right way Teal'c?" I ask for the hundredth time.

"Yes." Is the only answer I get, just like every other time I asked.

"I can't say I really like this forest. Reminds me of way too many horror movies…" I say, following the path the malp has obviously taken before us. There still are no footprints near the malp's, which makes it hard to say if someone has stolen it, or if it just…went on its own, as Daniel so gently suggested.

"Do not worry Major Carter, it should not be much further now." I smile at Teal'c for trying to reassure me, even if the nice gesture doesn't really reach the wanted result. I tighten my jacket around myself, shivering in the cold damp air. This damn fog is getting denser and denser the deeper we go into the forest and I can hardly see Teal'c walking only a few feet in front of me.

I wonder for a moment why the colonel is being so bull-headed lately. I mean normally he would have ordered us *all* to get the malp and then for us *all* to go take a look at the caves. So why is he acting like this? I could understand that he wouldn't want to be around me, our friendship not being what it used to be at the moment, but would he risk the entire team by doing so? Because I clearly believe that his last order was a bad one. We don't know a hell of a lot about this planet, and anything could happen. So why risk separating?

I snap out of my reverie as I collide with Teal'c's back. I hadn't noticed he had stopped walking.

"What is it?" I stand beside him and look at what made his stop in the first place; the forest clears a few meters ahead of us to make room for a huge, terrifying castle. Or at least it looks like one, with tall guarding towers made out of big black stones and a guarded entrance. There are several men posted everywhere, and I figure it wouldn't take much time before we're spotted, even with that mist. Teal'c seems to reach the same conclusion as we both cover ourselves.

I pick up my binoculars and observe the men and the surroundings, trying to find any trace of the malp.

"They're all heavily armed, they must be in a state of war." I state, well aware that this is certainly not at our advantage. Teal'c places his hand of my shoulder but I keep on watching.

"Major Carter."

"What?" I reply, still observing through the binoculars. "I wonder who they're fighting against..."

"Major Carter. We are surrounded."

********************

"Look, I'll tell you what" Jack pleads as we we're being dragged along, "let us find our friends and I promise we'll get out of here." The man, whom the others refer to as Letoh, seems to be the higher-ranked of these men. He gives Jack the same 'shut up' look as the numerous times Jack has tried to talk him out of this situation. And they say I'm the one always finding trouble! I've given up for a good while now trying to convince our captors to let us go. Instead I opt for another strategy; we let them bring us before their leaders, and then we can convince them that we're friendly. Because it's obvious that Letoh and his men are only following orders. Don't take me wrong, I am well aware that this strategy doesn't *always* work out perfectly, but we at least have to try. And there is still Sam and Teal'c out there, who haven't responded to Jack's call, which means that either they were simply out of range, which is very unlikely, either they were in trouble, which is very likely.

My wrists are beginning to hurt where they're tied together behind my back, and my shoulders are strained, so I try to accommodate them with a more comfortable position. We've been walking for what seems like eternity and I'm getting tired. Maybe Jack's right after all; maybe I do need to work out… I snort to myself, as if it would ever happen! Seeing my discomfort, the man holding me loosens my bonds, and I let out a sigh of relief. I nod my thank you and he replies in kind.

"Daniel," Jack barks, "why aren't you helping me getting us out of here?"

"It's no use Jack. They won't let us go. Not yet."

Jack looks hurt by my comment but soon replies what he's best with, sarcasm. "Aren't you supposed to be the optimistic around here?"

"Your friend is wise," Letoh finally speaks out to Jack, probably having lost all his patience with the man. "You should listen to what he has to say, we will not let you go. No use to waste your breath with words." That seems to work and Jack finally falls silent.

Embracing the silence as we walk along a ridge, I look down and under us is a sea, or an ocean, and for a moment I silently enjoy the landscape, the salty smells of the wind on my face.

"Where are your other friends?" Letoh asks at last, breaking my reverie.

Jack laughs bitterly. "As if I'm gonna tell you!" Letoh suddenly stops walking and his men imitate him. He turns to Jack and steps in front of him menacingly. He's tall and appears very strong and yet Jack's defying him. When the warrior speaks he's serious, and from what I can tell, worried too.

"You will tell me, because it is important."

"Why?" I ask with the tact that often got us out of trouble…or deeper into it. Letoh turns his head in my direction, but doesn't move from in font of Jack.

"For three reasons. One, for my people, two, for yourselves, and three, for your friends. They may be in grave danger." I throw a look at Jack and he merely shrugs, so I carry on.

"How so?" He seems surprised by my question and he lowers his eyes for a moment, struggling with the amount of information to thrust into my care. After a few seconds he turns around and resume his walking, so we all follow him.

"You will know soon enough." He says cryptically.

"Is this your way of threatening people for information?" Jack asks and I wince. Letoh doesn't seem offended for the least by the colonel's remark as he answers.

"No, it is the truth. Now be silent, we are approaching." A few meters ahead of us there's a abrupt slope and, as we approach, I stretch my neck and look down, where's laying some sort of town, on the beach by the sea. The houses are all sandy colored, and it would be easy to miss them, especially with the mist that seems so typical to this planet. We climb down hurriedly and a few minutes later we're in the center of the village, people gathering around us, curious. We walk passed them and passed a good part of the town until we arrive at the entrance of a building carved straight into the side of the cliff. Amazed at the architecture, I stand there looking in awe until one of the men pulls on my arms to get me moving.

"Nice…" I hear Jack mumble beside me, but I spare him a look. After all this time together, I know it's no use. We enter and surprisingly the air inside the hall is warm and dry and it feels good compared to the air outside. The interior of the building is as amazing as its exterior, and for a moment I wish I could use my camera. Maybe later.

At the end of the hall is a small group of people reunited in a circle, some sort of council, probably, so Letoh leaves us and his men at the entrance and goes to talk to them. They're relatively far, but thanks to the echo, it's possible to catch what they're saying.

"Who are they?" Asks a man. Letoh bows before replying.

"They claim to be peaceful explorers from another planet, yet they wear weapons." He says as he points in our direction. I glance at Jack but he's listening intently at the conversation as well. Obviously he urges to say that these are only precautions, I know I do.

"Could they be spies from the Idarins?" The councilman speaks again. Letoh seems to think for a moment, and then shakes his head.

"I would doubt it. We found them in the caves, and they do not look like Idarins. Nor act like ones." He looks at Jack as he says that so Jack shrugs with a lopsided grin. The man gives an order and soon we're brought forward, before the council.

"Unbind them." Letoh orders and I nod my gratitude while Jack doesn't say anything. I don't think he appreciates being held here. "They also claim that they were not alone, but they were the only ones we could find on the territory." Letoh adds meaningfully and I notice him fidgeting with his belt. So he is worried after all.

The man seems surprised and a bit horrified too. He turns to us with worry clear on his face. "Where are the others?" I glance at Jack but his silence encourages me to speak.

"Actually we're not sure." I say as I take off my glasses to massage the bridge of my nose. "When we got here we separated. Jack and I went to look at the caves, and Teal'c and Sam went in the forest to find something that was ours and that was…lost." I explain. At the mention of the forest the members of the council exchange glances, and a few of them whisper to one another. "When we tried to contact them earlier," I go on, "they didn't respond, so we were ready to go and find them when," I gesture towards Letoh, "your men captured us."

"Then they must be with the Idarins." Letoh suddenly exclaims, as if it was some sort of horrible prophecy.

"Is that bad?" Jack asks when he sees the expression on his face.

"Yes," the councilman replies, "it is."

******

There are five of them. They're tall, big, and there's no chance in hell we're gonna charge them. Each of these men holds a weapon that looks like giant slingshots, with big rocks as projectiles. No, we're not gonna charge them. Beside me Teal'c slowly puts down his staff weapon on the ground and I do the same with my MP5. One of the men cautiously bends down to pick them up, observing us at the same time.

Suddenly my radio comes to life and the men surrounding us startle, backing up a few steps.

"Carter? Teal'c? Please come in?" I exchange a nervous look with Teal'c, and, very slowly, move my hand towards my radio. I stop when one of the men speaks.

"Who speaks?" He asks, looking around and in the air as if God himself was the one calling. I snort inwardly at the thought, mistaking the colonel with a god? I pick my radio and show it to him.

"It comes from this…" he roughly grabs it from my hand and turns it upside down, examining it carefully, and then, deciding it's very dangerous he throws it as far as he can into the forest. Irritated by the fact that I haven't been able to respond to the colonel's call, I sigh. A few seconds later, the colonel's voice comes from Teal'c's radio, and the man doesn't waste a second before taking it from him and throwing it in the other direction.

"We will bring these two men before the master." What? I look at Teal'c with a questioning glare and a raised eyebrow. 'These two men'? These guys think I'm a man? I don't know if I should feel insulted or glad that I didn't attract too much attention on me. Teal'c shakes his head almost imperceptibly, so I decide not to say anything. Yet.

Then, as if in symbiosis, one of the men grabs my arm and two grab Teal'c, and they lead us towards the entrance of the castle.

*******

~~So I pray, that you can make it
So I pray, so I pray
And your mind, they'll try to break it
No later than today~~
"So they say" by Soul Attorney (used without permission)

'This is ridiculous Teal'c." I say as I pace the cell. When he doesn't reply I look at him sitting on the cold, damp and hard floor, listening to my rant. Sighing, I go sit down beside him. "I can't pretend I'm a man. It goes against everything I've spent my adult life fighting for."

He almost seems surprised. "What is that Major Carter?"

"Trying to prove that a woman is as good as a man, that I don't need anyone to depend on."

"It is my belief that every one needs someone to support upon, Major Carter. Even the strongest and greatest warriors have this need."

"Do you?"

"Yes." He admits solemnly. "And so do you."

We fall silent and automatically my thoughts wander to the colonel. He, of all people, has been one of those I had felt the need to prove my capacities to. But as we went on, and the more I knew him, I felt this "competition" starting to wear off and leave the floor for complete trust and companionable friendship. But now…now we fight all the time. I don't know why, but there's this tension between us that seems to be building every day, a bad tension that poisons our relationship. We fight all the time, especially when we're on missions, and even if I find myself being way inappropriate and insubordinate towards him, he just seems to forget I'm even his second in command. A subordinate he could press charges on.

I shake the thought away and fall back into reality. I take a look around our cell, and it's pretty much what you could expect from a dungeon such as this one. As we were led to the 'master', I had a chance to look around, and a dungeon it is. These people must've been at war forever, because this prison seems very permanent. While I observed the surroundings, Teal'c observed the people, and he had come to the conclusion that maybe it would be better if I kept pretending to be a man after all. First because the only people here seem to be male, and secondly they seem to be very…aggressive males.

"I'm in the military. I should be able to care for myself. Defend myself." I argue, but Teal'c wants none of it.

"Major Carter, you are a very capable warrior, but one cannot defend himself against many. And I intend to do my best to protect you, as O'Neill normally would, but I do not believe that we should risk your honor."

Of course I know he's right, but it feels so…weird. I have this strange feeling that this isn't real, that Daniel and the colonel will appear through that door and get us out of here. The colonel and I would look at each other and make peace and then we would go home. Like we always do. So I wouldn't need to go through this horror.

Of course it can't happen this way. No, and deep down I know it won't happen like this, but I just wish… I sigh and lean my head against the cold wall we're leaning against.

"Ok Teal'c, you're right. I'll do as you say and pretend."

"Very well."

"What do I have to do?"

"First you will need to practice your walk." I look at him, surprised.

"My walk?" He raises an eyebrow and stands, helping me up.

"Yes. You have the walk of a woman."

"Oh…" This is gonna be harder than I thought. "So what do I have to walk like?"

"Like a male." Ugh…No kidding.

"What do I do?"

"Picture yourself the walk of a man you know." Immediately the colonel pops up into my mind and I smile as I picture him walking. "Then attempt to imitate the movements."

I sigh and begin pacing the cell.

After a few hours and hundreds of advice from Teal'c, I finally manage to walk somewhat like a man, always having to recall myself of tiny little details. It's funny, but the more I try to act like a man, the more I realize how feminine I really am. Tiny little things that make me a woman, things that I'd never realized I even did before. I've always tried to be part of the men, so I've come to let down my femininity, and yet, I realize now that I'd found a way to keep it at the same time.

When we're done with that, I decide to take a break, so we sit back against our wall and wait. It doesn't take long until someone comes into the room and enters our cell. We stand and look at the man.

He's tall and terribly thin, with deep rings around his eyes and his lips dry. He looks in his late thirties with brown eyes, but there is no life in them, not like in another pair of brown eyes I know. His dark hair is short and pointing in all directions.

"You are the new workers?" I exchange a look with Teal'c and he bows his head. Yes, we are, according to what the 'master' said earlier.

"You will then be awaken at dawn to begin. There are two meals per day and we all eat together. Do you have any questions?"

Questions? I have *tons* of questions burning on my tongue, but I'm not sure if talking is a good idea or not just yet. So we shake our heads and the guy goes away. Before closing the door, he turns towards us.

"I am Trimey. If you have any questions or any needs, call for me. I am the career of the workers." And on that he turns around and walks away.

If *he* takes care of the workers, how well treated *are* the workers?

******

"So…Jack," Daniel says as he gets comfortable in our room, sitting in a big chair. "What exactly happened?"

"What do you mean?" I preferred sitting on the floor, leaning against a wall. While the council decides what to do with us and about Sam and Teal'c, we were told to wait here, in that room, which I guess will be our quarters for the time being. Not that I intend on staying for a long time, but apparently a rescue mission can't happen in a day or two, it needs preparations. Knowing my friends, I know that normally they wouldn't need to be rescued, but if the…Idarins something are as bad as they say, they might be in trouble. I just hope they'll be fine while we find a way to get them out of there.

"I mean…erm…What made you decide to come with me in the first place?"

I glance at him with an exasperated look. "Cut to the point Daniel." I very well know where he's going with this. He's gonna blame me for what's happening, and there's no doubt about that, so I decide I don't really feel like being reminded of the fact. I blurt everything out in a record time. "What are trying to say? That this is my fault? That I made a bad decision separating? Because if that's what you were gonna say, I agree, ok? I take full responsibility for what's happening to us, and whatever is happening to Carter and Teal'c, so no need to add your little comments on how I should handle a crisis!"

Daniel holds my look impassively and blinks a few times when I'm done.

"I wasn't gonna say that Jack." I sigh as I shake my head. "But thanks for the input." I shrug.

"So what were you gonna ask?"

He leans in more comfortably into his chair. "Does it have something to do with Sam?" He finally asks. I wince as I think about it. Is it so obvious that there's something wrong? Of course it is. We keep fighting all the time while on missions. Of course the guys have noticed it. But I feign innocence.

"What do you mean?" He leans forward, his elbows resting on his thighs.

"I mean, erm…It's obvious that there's something going on between you two. So I was wondering if your last order hadn't been some kind of revenge…"

"Revenge for what? There's nothing going on Daniel, we just need some time…"

"Yes, of course," he hurriedly carries on. "And I'm not saying I know anything about you guys, but, ah… I just wanted to know what was going on. So that maybe I can do something to help…"

I sigh as dark thoughts form themselves in my mind. Nope, there's nothing he can do to help. This is a matter of character, and there's nothing anybody can do. "Thank you Daniel but I don't think so." Standing, I walk in front of the opening that serves of windows and look down at the gray sea at our feet.

"Okay." Is his only reply and I know that his curiosity is still far from being satisfied. He still has tons of questions burning on his tongue to be asked, I feel it, but I also know that he'll wait for the right moment before asking them. And I'm grateful to him for that.

"This is a nice place." I say as I look outside, trying to change the subject.

"Yeah," I feel his scrutinizing eyes on my back, well aware of my current train of thoughts. "It is. In fact, I wonder what can be so horrible about the Idarins." He adds as he joins me in front of the window.

"Yeah, me too." Just as I say that, the door of our room opens and Letoh comes in. I was surprised that he'd decided to make us his own protégés, after all he was the one to capture us, but still he had decided to be on our side and help us. I figured there was probably something he wanted in return, but that could wait.

He comes further into the room and nods towards us before speaking. "My family has agreed to help you with the rescue of your friends." He finally says.

Daniel takes a curious step in his direction. "Your family?"

Letoh frowns and points towards the door. "Yes…The group of people you have encountered in the hall…My father, mother and brothers."

Daniel throws a surprised look at me and I shrug. So it's not a council but a family, I have no problems with that as long as they agree to help us. Daniel turns back to the warrior and nods.

"But before we attempt such dangerous rescue, I need to hear more about what occurred when you first arrived on our soil." He says as he sits, interested and eager, in one of the chairs Daniel occupied moments earlier.

"Ok," I take a seat in front of him and Daniel follows me. "We came through the Stargate," at the puzzled look on his face I add, "the big stone ring. Carter noticed that the malp…"

"Carter is another member of our team." Daniel interrupts and I glare at him before continuing.

"Yeah, so she noticed that the malp…" I carry on only to be cut again.

"She?" This time it's Letoh, and he seems worried by the question itself. He looks worriedly between Daniel and I, searching for an answer.

Daniel responds slowly, as if wondering what's the problem. "Yes…? Major Carter is a woman."

"So?" I ask Letoh, not sure if I should have told him or not.

"So, Colonel O'Neill, we will need to hurry our rescue. The Idarins are not particularly…kind, with women." He says gently, as if trying to protect my feelings and me. I swallow hard at all the horrible images that pop into my mind.

"Yeah but Carter can take care of herself, she's a good soldier." I say, well aware that I'm trying to convince myself as much as Letoh. Unfortunately I fail with both. Letoh nods weakly, not really buying it, which, for some reason, boosts my trust in Carter and her capacities. Besides, Teal'c is with her. If someone can protect her if needed it's him.

"Please pursue your tale." Letoh says after a wile. So we tell him everything that happened, trying to leave no details out. After all anything could be important.

"The ring through which you have come is the border line between our territories. By going towards the forest, your friends found themselves on Idarin territory, while you took the way opposite and ended on ours. We are constantly at war with this people, for all they want is more territory." Letoh explains a couple of minutes later.

"So what is most likely to happen to Sam and Teal'c if they've been captured?" Asks Daniel, and I dread the response. Letoh seems to think about it for a while.

"It is my experience that they will be forced to labor and training."

"What's that mean?" Daniel and I ask at the same time. Letoh smiles at our synchronized response.

"It means that they will become slaves, either soldiers, either workers." At the word slave, tons of horrible pictures of Sam as a sexual slave almost make me throw up. But then I try and regain some composure and shake the thoughts away. No, this wouldn't happen. Teal'c wouldn't let it happen. Neither would Sam.

I silently pray for them to be all right.

*****

I've been having problems sleeping. I don't know why but I just keep tossing onto my bed, wondering what I'm gonna do, hundreds of questions pumping into my head. Is it possible to escape? I can't know for sure, especially since we haven't really had a chance to "visit" much during the day. One thing for sure, we can't escape from that cell so our only hope now is our surroundings where we'll work. Maybe we'll be able to escape then.

I wonder if pretending to be male is such a good idea after all. I mean if they find out after a while that I'm really not who they thought I was, wouldn't the punishment be worse than if I'd spoken out loud right at the beginning? There's no way of knowing for sure. For one of the first times in my life with SG1, I'm scared, scared for myself. Usually, everything is more important than me; my team, the SGC, Earth, and I get so caught up in doing my job that I forget I am a whole by myself, a whole that needs to have feelings. Oh feelings I have, a lot of, confused, mixed feelings, but sometimes they just seem so unimportant compared to what we're achieving at the SGC. After all what's a crush when you can save the world on a daily basis?

Of course deep down I don't really believe that, but it's just been so easier to hide behind the soldier instead of facing all my fears and questions and feelings as a woman and a human being.

And now, as a man.

I wake up a few hours later, and from the dark state of the cell, I deduce its still night for about an hour or so. Teal'c's still asleep or in Kelnoreem, it's often hard to tell, on his bed, and I decide to get up. Walking to my pack, I grab some of the bandages I have in my medkit. Throwing one last checking look at Teal'c, I take off my T-shirt and wrap up my torso with the bandage. If I need to be a man, let's be it to the bones! All done, I put back my T-shirt and jacket on. It's hard to breathe deeply with the bandage, but I'll get used to it eventually. I ruffle my hair, their shortness probably what had brought the men to think I was male, and the fact that I was a soldier too.

A couple of minutes later the other cells begin ruffling and it's at that moment that I realize that this is the everyday pattern for those guys who are slaves, just like we now are. And this is a pattern I really don't want to get used to. Teal'c opens his eyes and sits, nodding in my direction as we wait for the work to begin.

********************************************

~~You let them and soon you will be on trial
Give them an inch, yes they'll steal the mile
For they haven't flown where we've flown
You know the road I speak of and the road that lies ahead
Don't give up, don't give up they all must be misled
For they haven't flown where we've flown, no they haven't flown where we've flown~~
    "So they say" by Soul Attorney (used without permission)

"I've seen worse in boot camp." I whisper to Teal'c as we jog. It's a relief I've kept such a good habit of jogging every day to keep me fit, because right now it's really useful. We've been running for about forty minutes as training, and I'm beginning to get tired, especially at the pace we're going. No wonder why these guys look so big and though. But as long as I don't get that muscled at the end I'll be fine. I wonder where Daniel and the colonel might be. When the colonel realized we wouldn't respond to his call, what did he do? Did he order to get the hell out of this planet, sacrificing Teal'c and I? Or did he decide to come and see what the hell we were doing that was taking so long and got captured too? But then I would have seen them since this morning. We all had hard bread for breakfast in some sort of mess hall, and then the man who had come visit us the night before, Trimey, I think was his name, came to us and told us we'd be training as warriors instead of workers. Warrior is good, I thought, warrior is what I do, so I was kinda relieved by the turn of events.

"As have I." Teal'c answers, and I throw a look at him, he's barely sweating or panting. I shake my head and concentrate on the run.

Of course the other guys looked at us wearily when we first arrived, probably wondering what kind of a man I was, but if some recognized the woman in me they didn't show it. I had put on my cap so that it was hard to see my eyes, because the colonel had once told me that my eyes were so expressive he could read what I was thinking very easily, as long as it wasn't physics. I smile at the memory, but try to hide it by looking down at me feet, craving more than never my comfortable running shoes.

****

There's almost no mist anymore. Funny when you think about it.

I walk by the sea, my shoes off and my pants rolled up a little so that the water won't wet them. We've been here for six days now and I feel Jack growing more impatient every day, questioning Letoh about the rescue, the tactics they're going to take, and all that stuff that allows Jack to hold himself together. I know he blames himself for what happened, hell he even admitted it to me, which proves a lot in itself, but I found no way to dissuade him from the thought it was all his fault. He made a bad decision, ok, but wasn't it time to move on and stop festering and keeping it all inside?

The thing is, I know Jack does want to move on, but something's holding him back. I have no idea what happened between him and Sam for their relationship to tumble as much as it has, but I sense that the something that's holding him back is the fact that, if something happened to Sam, he wouldn't have had the chance to set things straight between them. So as long as he doesn't know for sure what's happening, he can't stop blaming himself.

"Whatcha doin'?" I startle and look up at Jack, a few feet in front of me. He looks like shit, but I'm not gonna tell him that, I'm sure he feels like it too and I certainly don't want to make it worse.

"Nothing…Just…ah… taking some fresh air, I guess." Letoh lent us some clothes and it's kind of weird to see Jack in a casual alien outfit. "You?"

I catch up with him and we walk.

"I just talked with Letoh." He says, as cryptic as can be.

"And?" He picks up a rock and throws it on the water, making it bounce a few times.

"He said a simple rescue can't be possible anymore." I stop walking and look at him. He breathes in and looks around, trying not to show his anger and worry.

"What do you mean?"

"Yeah, apparently, this is getting more and more complicated. Some sort of spy from the other camp found out about the rescue, and now the Idarins are preparing for war." I have to admire Jack for his hiding of his emotions. How can he sound so calm about this? This means that everything we've waited for during the last few days probably won't work at all! This means that Sam and Teal'c will have to endure who knows what during an undetermined period of time that has just gotten a hell of a lot longer than anticipated.

"War? What do we do?" He shrugs and throws another rock.

"What do you want us to do!" I'm not sure how to respond to that, so I sigh unbelievably, not really understanding. This man has this way to frustrate me sometimes!

"You…ah…wanna give it up?" I suddenly suggest, but without really suggesting, just trying to gauge his thoughts. His head snaps up in my direction, as if I'd just pinched him.

"What? Of course not! What the hell are you talking about?"

I raise my eyebrows questioningly. "What do you wanna do then?"

"Fight with them." He replies, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "This way we can get hold of Carter and Teal'c." I'm not half as confident as he seems to be, but I nod nonetheless, needing to talk to Letoh about that war. I've always thought a war is not the best option, and I'm sure there's another way we could get to Sam and Teal'c. "You don't need to fight if you don't want to." He adds after a while, knowing I'm not very …ah… interested in fighting.

"I don't?" This surprises me, I would have thought Letoh's people would need as much manpower as possible. Jack shakes his head and picks up some rocks that he then puts into his pockets.

"Nope. You can either stay here or come as a…doc or something."

"Oh…I'll think about it. Thank you."

He nods and we walk the rest of the way in silence.

********************

This is nightmare.

We wake at dawn, eat, run for an hour or so, and then begin the real training. Apparently there's a war coming, so the master needs as many mercenaries (that's what he said we are) as possible. But that isn't what's worst about our slavery. No, the nightmare is around the fear that someone will find me out, will realize I'm a woman and take this opportunity to pull me down.

On the third night here, Trimey came to tell us that we would have to share a cell with other men for a while. At first I didn't mind, because I felt very confident that I was playing my role successfully, but soon the other guys started joking around. One of them came a little too close for my taste. When everyone was getting ready for the night, he came to my corner and started making fun of me, so I ignored him, packing my stuff neatly in one corner. But then he grabbed my chin, forcing me to look at him. For a moment I feared seeing realization into his eyes, but then he just tapped my chin and laughed about me being beardless. If he recognized me he didn't show it. I'd sighed and looked at Teal'c, who had watched the scene, ready and alert to intervene if necessary and he nodded slowly in my direction, reassuring me I didn't let anything out. But still I barely slept that night, my adrenaline level high and my legs still shaking from the fear of being discovered.

I'd closed my eyes and prayed for the colonel and Daniel to be all right, for them to be planning to get us out of here. They wouldn't leave without us would they? And then I fell asleep and dreamed about my last fight with the colonel. It's the same every night.

We've been here for six days now, and I'm seriously beginning to worry that the colonel won't come. It's the middle of the night, when I'm still suffering from insomnia, thinking and worrying, that Trimey enters our cell and silently walks to my bed. He crouches down beside me and gently shakes my shoulder as I was pretending to be asleep.

"Carter!" He whispers and I look at him. He looks tired and worried, just like the first time I saw him. He raises a finger to his mouth to keep me from talking and silently I stand and follow him outside the cell. During the time we've been here, I've come to trust Trimey, he seems to be a nice man, with good intentions for his workers and warriors, but I really have no idea what this little escapade through the night is about.

I follow him through the dark corridors, and I'm saddened by the fact that I couldn't escape even if I wanted to, because I don't know where the exit is from our cell. I would have to do the entire distance from the cell to the mess hall and then outside, which would be way too dangerous. We stop before a big alcove and Trimey looks around nervously before going in and crouching. I imitate him and wait for him to talk.

"I have found this today during my round in the forest. It is well known here that you and Teal'c are the ones accompanied with voices" he says as if it was a name or a title he respected very much, "and I have decided to let you know of my find." He gets one of our radios out of his pocket and hands it to me cautiously. I look up at him in wonder and smile as I take it from him. He looks down and then sits on the floor, leaning on a wall.

"You should not smile around here," he whispers, but it freezes me. "When you smile it is obvious." He adds with a gentle smile. I swallow hard. He knows? Then why hasn't he said so? Or does he want to keep me for himself?

"What do you mean?" I ask, feigning not knowing what he's talking about. He chuckles softly in response and it reassures me somewhat. His laugh is nothing but cheerful about knowing a secret no one else knows.

"I noticed the first time I saw you." His smile gets wider as he looks at me, his face losing its tiredness, which makes him rather handsome in the dim light. "These men are blind not to see. Your eyes are expressive and men rarely have such beautiful ones." He says matter-of-factly, and I'm taken aback for a few seconds, not really sure if he's being intentionally charming or if it's just a statement for him. Not knowing what to say I look down, wondering if I can trust Trimey with this secret. But then, what could I do with him, kill him? Of course not. So I change the subject, neither confirming nor denying anything.

"Where could I use this? It needs to be a very private place, where no one can hear." I ask as I show him the radio. He seems to think for a moment and then he replies. "The safest place I believe is the latrine." I wrinkle my nose at the thought of having to lock myself in the stinking latrine to communicate with the colonel.

"Thank you." I say meaningfully and he nods seriously. "Trimey," I stop him before he stands, "you're not gonna say anything are you?" He smiles and shakes his head, and he seems sincere, so I decide to trust him.

"You are wise." He states as he stands, and then he leads me back to my cell.

I hide the radio under my pillow and sleep until dawn.

****

I wake up the next morning to the sound of static coming from my radio. Looking outside I see it's still dark and I'm too sleepy to realize what this means. I walk, eyes half opened, to my pack and jacket, where the sound came from. I pick it up and shake it a little, wondering what's wrong with it. And then it does it again.

"Colonel O'Neill, this is Carter, come in?" My breath catches in my throat and it takes me a few seconds to reply. Is it possible? That after a week without news she suddenly decided it was time to inform me of her situation? The familiar anger begins to rise again, as it so often does when we have "discussions" lately. But soon I tell myself I'm not being fair on her, and that whatever is happening to her is not her fault but mine. And on the other hand, I'm so totally relieved by the fact that she's all right, I decide to let that feeling take over.

"Carter? This is O'Neill!" I can't help the excitement and urge from my voice and soon Daniel stirs and slowly wakes up.

"Colonel! Thank God you're still here." I sigh in relief, feeling exactly the same as her.

"Where are you?" I ask, but I feel like I have so many things to tell her, so many things I've realized I've done wrong during the last few months, and so many things I need to fix.

"Teal'c and I are fine, but I'm not sure exactly where we are. Somewhere in the forest…" There's some static next so I miss the rest. Daniel stands, put on his glasses and walks over to me, listening.

"Don't worry Carter, we'll get you out of there." I say with conviction after a few seconds. She takes a while to respond, but when she does her voice is strong.

"Yes sir." There's some more static and then "I can't talk any longer sir, if I'm caught here…punishment…in the latrine…Carter out." I frown and sigh, my curiosity hardly satisfied. Placing my radio back in its place, I feel relieved, excited and worried at the same time. On one hand, they're fine and alive, but on the other hand, I can't help wondering what they're stuck doing exactly.

I'm happy to finally do something. I have this surge of energy, energy I've fished out from the conversation I had with Carter. So when Letoh came to me to tell me they're beginning to prepare themselves for the battle, I was more than happy to go with them. I finally had something to do, a goal to achieve instead of wandering around and festering my guilt and worry, and that's what drove me during the next few days. Letoh insisted for me to fight with my MP5, which, he thought, was a big advantage. But I didn't feel so good about that. I was under the impression that, as efficient as my gun was, it would be dishonorable of me to use it in battle. In three seconds I'd be able to kill and hurt ten times more people than the usual fighters, and somehow I found it wasn't acceptable.

I talked about my reservations to Letoh about that and he agreed to let me use my gun only if it became real necessary to rescue Carter and Teal'c. So we spent the last few days training and building weapons and shields. Letoh's people is a whole lot more numerous than I first thought, the village where we live being only one of hundreds. Soon the news about the war spread and warriors from all over the territory came to town and began training with us.

As I'm trying to master a weapon, some sort of advanced spear that looks somewhat like a sword, Daniel walks over to me, his hands in his pockets.

"I decided to fight with you guys." He declares and I stare at him. Daniel? The moralist? He's done everything in his power to avoid this war; talking to Letoh, trying to convince him that there are other ways and all that stuff. Letoh told him that no, there were no other choices, when his people were pacifists and fought only to defend themselves, it was more than time for them to finally act against the bad guys and end this war for once and for all. And for that, I agreed, even if my primary mission was to get Carter and Teal'c, I would help them get rid of the threat that weighed on them. But Daniel?

"Really?" He nods slowly. "Why?" He looks around, as if trying to avoid my stare, so I figure it's a decision he isn't really comfortable with.

"Just because." He replies, a few seconds later and looks at me with a pointed look. I nod and pat his shoulder, handing him my spear-sword.

"Ok!"

***

There's excitement in the air.

I don't know if it's the fact that we finally have something concrete to do or the up coming battle against god knows who, but the hormone driven guys around here are making me crazy. All they talk about all day is the way they'll dismember the adversary, whoever they are. For my part I don't really care, because since my conversation with the Colonel, which was rather hard on my stomach, I've been confident that he'll find us a way to get out of here and no matter what. So the war, I don't really care, for all I know is that I might already be gone by then! So all this gives me the strength to keep on training and pretending.

I've been watching Trimey closely since I found out that he knows the truth. Fortunately he hasn't shown any signs of favoritism towards me, and his behavior is the same as before. He's distant, yet very present, and I'm always aware of his presence. But as time goes on, I know I have nothing to fear from him and I realize all he wants to do is help.

A couple of days ago, one of my worst fears came true when it was time to shower. It was a common shower and there was no way in hell I was gonna shower with those guys. So Trimey came into the cell and asked me publicly to go help him with something, which is not very uncommon, so I was able to escape and go shower into his own private quarters. He was very polite and I was truly grateful to him for helping me go through this.

And of course Teal'c's been really helping too, always protecting me and making sure everything's ok with me. He follows me everywhere and throws threatening looks at whoever wants to laugh about my size or me being beardless or whatever. I'm used to that teasing now, and it doesn't make me as nervous as before. Now I often reply with the same mockery and the guys only find that amusing that I would stand my position against them. It's kinda weird to think that during the last couple of days I've learnt more about Teal'c than during the whole four years we've spent together. For some reason I now feel like I can talk to him as much as I would Daniel, or even the colonel - for certain matters -, and he seems to feel the same way, telling me things I'd never thought sharing with him. The other day, as we were running, we spoke about our first loves and about the experiments we did as teenagers, even if, for him, it's been a whole lot longer than me since then.

I snap out of my reverie when our commanding officer starts shouting. He does that a lot, and even being in the military, I had forgotten what that was like. At least with SG-1 and the colonel as a CO, it's not necessary to do discipline all the time, except with Daniel from time to time. I sigh as I think about the guys. I had succeeded in contacting the colonel, but we didn't get much chance to talk, even less tell each other where we were or what we were doing. I really miss them, but at least I know they haven't given up on us. The thing is, I have no idea when I'll be able to contact them again because I think we're leaving soon. Apparently the big battle is coming quickly and the army training here will have to be mobilized soon. Maybe we'll have a chance to escape then. But what if the guys decide to follow us and find us there? We would miss each other.

The CO shouts at us it's time to train with the swords, and soon we all move to grab the weapons. I team up with Teal'c, as usual, and we begin to fight automatically. As we move around, I spot Trimey going to talk to the CO and I watch him suspiciously. What could he possibly be telling him? I frown and gesture Teal'c to stop fighting and I look over at the two men. They whisper to each other hurriedly and suddenly, as if sensing I'm looking at him, Trimey looks in our direction and nods slowly in acknowledgment. I don't nod back because I'm not sure what he's really talking about. I lean on my sword planted into the ground, waiting for his next move. I see him frown and he returns to his conversation. A few seconds later, he looks back in my direction and comes my way. I wait for him patiently until he's a few feet away.

"Carter?" He asks and it sounds so much like the colonel I'm disconcerted for a moment. When I don't reply he crosses the gap that stands between us and comes to stand right in front of me. "Something wrong?" He asks again casually, not wanting to show any worry in front of the others.

"What's going on?" I ask as I gesture towards the CO who was back at his shouting.

"The master ordered the army to move by tomorrow." For a few seconds I'm taken aback. I surely wasn't expecting that.

"Tomorrow?" He nods slowly and crosses his arm over his chest.

"I will be accompanying you. He says they can use every man power they can find." He shrugs, but I sense that he's not really happy with that decision.

"So you'll be fighting with us." I confirm and he nods in response, looking around at the training men around us. "You can stick with Teal'c and I, we're the best." I add with a small smile, careful not to show it too much. Trimey chuckles softly and nods, preparing to leave.

"I will to see you tomorrow Carter." He says as he walks away, waving nonchalantly and kicking some rocks.

*******************

~~And the game, they'll think you've played it
Their foolish way, their foolish way
But I'm tellin' you soon they'll see you've made it
And your game is what they'll play~~
    "So they say" by Soul Attorney (used without permission)

From what Letoh told me, the battlefield holds no advantages for any camps. Through my binoculars, I can see that it's a flat, wide and large valley surrounded by forested hills on which each side is anxiously waiting for the morning. It's getting dark, so it's possible to see the lights of the fires on the other side of the valley, which makes me wonder if Carter's over there. Probably. Letoh said she'd be a slave and I figure the chief on the other side, whoever he is, will need as much warriors as possible. Of course it's hard to say what they do with women, but I haven't had the courage to try and contact her on her radio. After all maybe she can't use it freely so why attract too much unneeded attention on her?

As I watch the field, Letoh comes and sits beside me, imitating my spying position; lying on my stomach with my cap the other way around. I hand him my binoculars and for a moment he just looks at them, not knowing what I want him to do with them. His curious eyes fall on me so I encourage him silently to take and try them. Letoh's a funny guy. As a warrior, he's all stoic and adventuresome, but as a man, he acts almost boyishly, with that childish curiosity he gets every once in a while. Finally he brings the binoculars to his eyes as he'd just seen me doing and when he finally gets what he's seeing, he stands and backs up so fast I'm sure he's gonna fall back on his butt. When the shock's passed, he puts the lenses down slowly, and then, realizing the view's different, looks back into it. I sit and watch him discouragingly as he shakes the binoculars, then looking in it, beside it, in it, beside it until I grab it from his hand with a sigh. He sits beside me and soon the boyish expression is gone as he glares thoughtfully at the fire camps far in front of us.

"So do you think my friends will be there?" I ask, trying to sound nonchalant.

"Most probably."

"Letoh, why do you care so much about getting them back anyway? I mean you've started back a war for cryin' out loud! Why?" He shrugs and glares back into the night.

"I know how it feels to lose someone to the Idarins. And you have done nothing to deserve what is happening to your team." Wow…I think the guy has way too much confidence in my innocence.

"Who'd you lose?" He swallows.

"It is not important." And on that he stands and leaves me to my observations. Oops, touched a sensible cord me thinks.

I look back at the field and, suddenly anxious about tomorrow, swallow with difficulty the knot in my throat. I mean this is it! This is my chance to get my friends back and make things right with Sam again. I've been having some sort of a hate-love relationship with her for a couple of months now. Both being aware of each other's feelings has been hard on us. I just seem not to know how to treat her when we're on missions; as a second in command? As a friend? As someone I care about more than I'm supposed to? So I choose the second in command and somehow try to forget that the two other possibilities even exist. And Sam… Well Sam doesn't know how to feel around me. The more distant I get, the more she doesn't want to lose my friendship, and then that's when the fights start. I've been having this anger toward her, an anger I can barely control. I feel it's her being insistent on maintaining a friendly relation that's making me fall even more for her, and it makes me angry because it's not possible to act on anything. Then, seeing I'm refusing her attempts at making things right, she becomes distant and angry too. We fight furiously and it gets so much under my skin that I forget to treat her as a 2IC and treat her like shit instead. On the other hand, I need her so much at my side that I haven't been able to talk to Hammond about it, and I don't think he's noticed since as soon as we're back on Earth, we act normally, as if the fighting and shouting hadn't even happened a few minutes before.

But now, now I have a chance to take everything back and start over. That is, if she'll want me. Maybe she'll blame me too much for what she's going through to want us back the way we were, or maybe she'll be able to give me another chance. Whatever she chooses, I'll stand by her decision.

"Jack, what are you doing out here?" Daniel asks as he seats beside me.

"Just thinking about what I'm up against." I reply vaguely and it makes him look in the direction of the other camp.

"Jack you're not alone against that army." He says matter-of-factly, not understanding that I was really talking about my relationship with Sam.

"Never mind."

We sit in silence until Daniel breaks it a few minutes later.

"Do you think Sam and Teal'c are over there?"

"Yep" I reply hurriedly, dismissing the fact that I had been the one asking the same question to Letoh a few minutes earlier.

"What if they're not?" I turn to look at him with raised eyebrows, not wanting to show him I have the same worries.

"What if they're not?" I repeat slowly, making my point.

"Yeah, you're right. Sorry."

The truth is, we'll have the real answers to that tomorrow and, to be honest, it scares the hell out of me.

The fight began at dawn.

We all got up before sunrise and prepared ourselves for the battle. I asked Letoh about protection, or some sort of armor, but he said they don't wear anything to protect themselves. Couldn't he have told me this *before* this morning? I would have prepared a little something for myself. Daniel met me under my tent and it was obvious that he was nervous.

"Daniel you don't have to come." I said as I put on my shirt and tied my spear-sword at my belt, ready to use. I also put my sidearm in my boot, just in case.

"I know." He replied, swallowing. I glared at him squarely; he had this little sweat on his forehead that could only be due to fear.

"Daniel, you're staying here. That's an order." He was about to protest but I cut him off. "If you see that it's not going well on our side, you get the hell out of here and bring reinforcements to bring Carter and Teal'c back home, understood?" I said as I busied myself around my tent, hearing the hornpipes announcing the beginning of the battle. These people have a weird way to make war; it looks like a wrestling match. When he didn't respond I looked at him seriously. "Daniel, you got it?"

"Yeah…I got it." He seemed so desperate to do something to help, I almost pitied him.

"Good." I said as I walked away, patting his shoulder on my way.

So that's how Daniel managed to escape fighting after all. I walk decidedly with the other warriors, Letoh and his men to my right and about two hundred men following us. I didn't really insist to be on the front line, but it's the best chance I have to locate Carter and Teal'c before the others. They all know they have to spare a woman and a big Jaffa, but we never know what can happen in the craziness of a battle. Behind the men following us, there are a few hundreds following them, planning on circling the battlefield when all the warriors of the other side would be caught in battle. It's a good enough plan…if it works.

As we climb down the hill, making our way slowly to the valley, I can see the army on the other side beginning to take form and I swallow. This is not how we fight back on Earth. At least not anymore. I sigh heavily and Letoh turns to look at me, an encouraging look on his face. I nod in acknowledgement and wait for the battle to begin. I watch as the other army begins it's climbing down too, ready to meet us in force in the middle of the battlefield. We all progress slowly, and it seems to take an eternity before, finally, the front line of the other side starts running towards us, waving big, hard and heavy sticks in the air. I feel like I'm an extra in Braveheart. This can't be happening… Synchronized, we all get our spear-swords out of their sheaths and wait for the wave to hit the ground.

Before I can even realize it, I'm hitting a guy in the face, and then another in the stomach. Everything seems to happen so fast that I don't even have time to think and moralize about what I'm doing. Soon I regain control of myself and try not to kill anybody, but only knock them out for a while. I hit with the back of my spear-sword on the back of heads and it seems to work. Kicking a big guy in the stomach, I take a look at Letoh and his men, and everything seems to be going ok on their side, so I decide to concentrate on the chore at hand and, mostly, find Carter and Teal'c. I don't know why, but the warriors we're fighting against have painted their faces and their arms in black, as if it made them invisible. Well I got some news for you pal, I hit another guy once in the stomach, black doesn't do any good when you're fighting on a sunny day.

Just as I'm done with him, I pick up on a movement to my left, so acting on instinct, I raise my spear-sword, ready to fight with the new attacker. Just as I'm about to hit, I notice that this one is smaller than the others, and it makes me look closely at him.

Her.

Her black colored face almost made me miss her, but her eyes… Her eyes are so wide and so blue, my jaw drops for a few seconds and time seems to stop. She looks at me the same way I'm looking at her, full of awe, surprise, relief, and all that stuff that makes a moment such as this one so special.

"Carter!" I finally manage to say after a while and I tightly grab her shirt with two hands, not wanting to let go. I hold her look for a few more seconds until I can't take it anymore and crush her against me, hugging her fiercely, so relieved to have found her. She responds in kind after the shock passes and she presses herself against me, her arms squeezing around me tightly. We stay like this for a few, long but too short seconds, until some shouting distracts me. We look simultaneously in the direction the shout came from and before I can stop her Carter's gone. I run after her in the fighting crowd until I see her stop, crouching beside a fallen body. I run the rest of the way, and I watch, with a bit of jealousy, as she places the man's head on her lap, caressing his hair. Who the hell is this guy?

I crouch down beside her, trying not to get hit in the meantime, and look at the wounded. Whoever this guy is, he's not feeling so good. Sam tries to comfort him and I get some of the words she whispers to him.

"Don't worry Trimey, we'll get you out of here." She says and I can see she's fighting the tears from falling. I'm the third wheel here, I know it, but I just can't seem to be able to move. The guy, she'd called Trimey, raises a tired hand to her face, wiping some of the black off her features.

"I did not tell any one Carter." He says and I frown, wondering what he's talking about.

"I know." She replies with a soft, breaking voice that makes me wanna hug her tight and never let go. And then she turns to me.

"Sir we gotta get him out of here." I look around, trying to gauge how it's doing exactly. I spot Letoh far at the front, fighting like a drooling berserk, and as I watch around I realize that his plan has worked. His men are surrounding the valley and closing down, engulfing the resistance with them. I look back at Sam and she's still watching me with these decided eyes of hers. I finally nod and try to pick up the guy on my shoulders.

"Carter!" I shout as my muscles strain to get up with my heavy charge, "take my gun in my right boot, cover me!" She nods and does as she's asked, following me through the crowd and defending us from time to time. I finally make it up the hill, and I drop my charge on the ground, my legs shaking. I sit beside him and try to catch my breath. When I look around I realize Carter's nowhere to be found, and for a moment panic sweeps through me, but then I spot her climbing back the hill with Teal'c at her side.

God it feels good to see him.

Only then do I realize that I'm hurt and so is Carter. Her left arm seems swollen and she's got some blood on her right side, although it's hard to tell if it's hers, and I've got this bleeding scratch from my knee up to the middle of my thigh, and now that the adrenaline's dropped a little, it hurts like hell.

Carter runs to the guy lying by my side and knees beside him, trying to stop the bleeding from his stomach.

"Sir we gotta get him back to Earth…" She says hurriedly, but as I look at the guy, I know that he won't make the journey.

"Carter!" I try to stop her babbling, but she just keeps on talking, clearly in shock.

"Janet'll be able to do something for him, I know she will…"

"Sam!" I shout, grabbing her hands and stopping her administrations on the man. She looks up at me and I let go of her hands. "It's too late."

******************

Something in your eyes makes me want to lose myself
Makes me want to lose myself in your arms
There's something in your voice
Makes my heart beat fast
Hope these feeling lasts
The rest of my life
    "Feels like home" by Chantal Kreviazuk (used without permission)

Oh God.

I slump back to the ground, placing my face in my bloodied hands – Trimey's blood. He's right, it's too late. He's dead and it's my fault! I was the one telling him to stick with us and yet I was the one leaving him on his own when I met the colonel. How can I ever live with that on my conscience? The guy's been a friend to me for the last three weeks and I just let him die? Shaking my head, I open my eyes and look at Trimey's body. How could I have done this to him?

"Jack!" I turn around to see Daniel running towards us. When he sees me and Teal'c he stops for a few seconds, and then starts running again. On the battlefield, hornpipes are heard, announcing our retreat, or rather my camp's retreat. After all that training I can't believe we lost. Looking back at the colonel and now Daniel, I realize that *I* haven't lost, just the guys with whom I'd spent the last couple of weeks with have. I glance down at the battlefield and it saddens me to know that all these casualties are nothing more than slaves and mercenaries who didn't have a choice to fight.

"Guys you're hurt! Stay here I'll go get something." Daniel says and he runs back towards some tents, and when the meaning of his words finally sink in, I realize that I *am* wounded, my wrist and forearm ache and so does my right side. Looking down at myself I see blood on my shirt. Is it mine? Or Trimey's?

Down the hill my comrades are hurrying back to their side of the hill, and soon the survivors are up safe and the winners come back towards us. Daniel comes back with bandages and medical things he has in his medkit. He throws a few things at Teal'c and he attends the colonel while Daniel comes to me and knees down by my side.

"You ok?" He asks as he bandages my arm. I nod silently in reply but he doesn't buy it. "Look, Daniel, I don't wanna talk about it right now." He looks at me from above the rim of his glasses and nods. Just then a warrior covered with blood, walks towards us and smiles at Daniel and the colonel.

"Hey Letoh, congrats on the battle." The colonel says and I frown. What, is this only a game for them? The colonel meets my accusatory glare and, Teal'c still over his leg, he introduces us.

"Letoh, this is Major Carter and Teal'c, the friends we've been looking for and worrying about for the last few weeks." The message couldn't be any clearer but I hold his look stubbornly. Letoh bows and then comes to help Daniel.

"You are hurt?" His eyes and his tone are kind, but I can't help resenting him and his people for that battle and the loss of Trimey. "Is this your blood?" He asks as he gestures towards my bloodied shirt. I nod silently and, with his hands on my shoulders, he gently pushes me down on my back so that he can attend the wound.

"Letoh," I heard the colonel say, "I'll do it, you go congratulate your warriors. Daniel, go with him and make sure the wounded are treated. Teal'c, go with them, we'll talk later." He orders before I can protest. The colonel wants to treat my wound? Like hell I'm gonna let him! He moves with difficulty because of his leg but soon he's next to me, and I sit up, defying him.

"Sam, you're injured, just let me treat the damn wound!" He says, and I must admit that it hurts, a lot, and if the feeling of the colonel's hands on my skin can make me at least forget the pain, I'm ready try. I glance at him suspiciously and lie back down, gathering the bottom of my shirt in my hands and lifting it up until he can see the entire wound along my ribcage. He catches his breath as he sees it, so it makes me wonder.

"How bad is it?" I ask, wincing when he presses cold water on it.

"Well it's not so good, but you'll survive."

"Thanks for the empathy sir." I try to concentrate on anything else than the pain and soon I find myself looking at the sky, the far away moving clouds making me dizzy.

"What's with the bandage Carter?" He asks and I frown.

"What bandage?" He looks so embarrassed he doesn't have to say anything to make me realize what he's talking about. I hadn't realized he could see it, I guess my shirt is lifted higher than I first thought.

"Oh. That. I…erm…I had to pretend to be a man, so I figured I could use that bandage for the illusion to be complete." I chuckle nervously, trying not to show how stressing this has been for me by joking about it. At that he stops his painful administrations and looks up at me with a blank expression. He then shakes his head and concentrate back on my wound.

"It worked?" He asks suddenly, and if I didn't know him any better, I'd say he's attempting to sound like he's trying to make small talk. But I know it's more than that. I know that he really cares to know what happened to me. We're friends, that's what friends do, even when they have some disagreements. He places a bandage around my wound and puts my shirt back down over my stomach.

"As you can see." I reply with a smile as he hands me a couple of Advil for the pain. I take them gratefully and sit up slowly.

"These guys are blind." He replies as he swallows some Advil too.

*****

The silence of the after-war is more deafening than the war itself.

There are many dead. Over a thousand if I can rely on my judgment, which is a lot if you consider the fact that there were about five thousands fighters altogether. I'd never realized how depressing a battlefield can actually be once the battle's over. We walk, Teal'c, Letoh and I, on the battlefield, looking for wounded or survivors on both sides, since Teal'c insisted that these were his comrades. Unfortunately, most are dead and some of what I see makes me nauseous. And the smell… this is the smell of war, the smell of death, and I don't think I'm ready to go through that just yet.

"Ah look guys, I think I'm gonna go back to camp now." I say, feeling a little dizzy. And hot.

"Very well." Letoh says and Teal'c bows his head. I make my way slowly back to camp, not really wanting to intrude on Sam and Jack. I'm sure they have serious explaining to do to each other and I'd hate to be the one to keep them from doing that. I just hope they're gonna be able to solve whatever the problem is because this team, which I had thought inseparable, invincible even, is not as family-like as it's once been. Teal'c and I have been helpless in stopping the disagreements and the resentment, and slowly but surely we stepped apart from Sam and Jack, feeling that it was their business. Of course, I know it is their business, but I've come to realize that we're their friends, and whatever's going on between them, we have to stick together and make this work again. I'm sure it can.

Finally on top of the hill, I throw a glance around, looking for my friends. Surprisingly they're not where we left them seated a couple of minutes ago and it gets me curious. Silently, I make my way towards the tent and take a moment to listen.

Nothing.

I walk to Jack's tent and look subtly inside. I relax when I see them both asleep on bedrolls and I figure that's the best thing for them to do for the moment, until we either go back home or accompany Letoh to his village.

I turn away and, smiling, decide to let them sleep in peace.

*****

When I open my eyes, it's so dark I panic for a moment, not really recalling where I am. But then, I feel the pain from my side and in my wrist and I remember everything. When my eyes finally adjust to the lack of light, I look around but I don't see anyone, not even the colonel on the bedroll beside me. I sit up painfully and stand, feeling more than seeing my way as I get out of the tent. There are some talking and laughter coming from the right so I walk that way and it's then that I spot my friends, gathered in a circle around a fire with Letoh, eating and just…relaxing. Teal'c is the first to see me.

"Major Carter." He says as he nods in acknowledgement and it makes the others look in my direction. I go sit beside Teal'c, somehow feeling that if I'm with him nothing can happen to me.

"How you feeling Carter?" The colonel asks as he takes a sip from his drink, whatever it is.

"Like shit." I reply truthfully. I have a headache, my arm hurts and my wound stings. Daniel hands me some painkillers and I take them gratefully, my mind still half asleep. "What did you do with Trimey?" I ask, a bitter taste in my mouth. They all exchange glances and Teal'c places a soothing hand on my arm.

"We haven't done anything with him, we…ah…thought you might want to take care of it." Daniel answers, but I'm not sure if his sympathy is welcome or not at the moment.

"I believe it would be wise to bury him." Teal'c states and I smile sadly at him.

"Yeah you're right. We'll do that tomorrow."

"So…who was he?" The colonel asks as he plays with a stick in the fire, not meeting my eyes. I sense the sarcasm and jealousy in his voice but I don't have the energy to fight back with him tonight.

"He, erm…He was the care taker of the workers and warriors of our prison. He was a good man, and the only one who knew about me." Teal'c's head turns sharply towards me and he looks surprised, after all I don't blame him, I hadn't told him about Trimey knowing the truth. Daniel hands me a bowl of water and a little towel and I accept it eagerly. I dunk the towel into the water and clean up my face and arms we had painted with black before the battle. They thought it would bring them luck and power. I snort mentally.

"Major Carter," this time it's Letoh, speaking to me for the first time since I've joined them. "Did you have the occasion to meet other women…there, where you were, who were also…prisoners?" He asks and I shake my head slowly, wondering where he's going with this.

"No all the people I saw were male." I look at Teal'c and he nods in agreement. I hear the colonel gasp and I look at him, but his eyes are on Letoh. "Why?"

The warrior gets up quickly and just walks away, without another word. I bring my eyes back to the colonel, silently asking him what that was about. He sighs again and leans back on his elbows.

"I just think he's had a bad experience with the Idarins." He replies.

"Who are the Idarins?" Teal'c asks and I second his interrogation. Daniel and the colonel exchange a look and Daniel leans in closer to answer.

"The Idarins are the people who captured you. Letoh's people have been at war with them for as long as they can remember." Oh.

We all sit in silence, enjoying the sounds and the smell of the fire for a few minutes until Daniel gets up. "I think it's time I turn in, good night guys." He says as he walks slowly away, his hands in his pocket. This particular gesture makes me look at the colonel but when he meets my eyes he merely shrugs. I reposition myself more comfortably and soon Teal'c is next to leave. I watch him walk away reluctantly, afraid to be alone with O'Neill. Afraid of what the next fight with him will be about.

For a while we don't say anything, just throw each other quick nervous glances through the flames when we think the other is not looking, and it continues this way until the colonel lies down on his back, bringing his hands behind his head. His neutral position makes me relax a bit.

"The painkillers doing effect now?" He asks as he looks up at the stars.

"Yeah, a little. But I think there's something wrong with my wrist." I admit as I try to move it, but only succeeding in reviving the pain that had been going away before my stupid move.

"Didn't Daniel look at it?" He asks as he sits up and moves around until he's at arm reach.

"Daniel bandaged it" I correct him and he smiles. It's been a while since I last saw him smile, and it makes me relax even more. He very gently removes the bandage off my forearm and examines my wrist, trying to diagnostic if it's broken or not. I wince and take in a sharp breath when he touches a sensitive spot and it makes him stop quickly.

"Sorry. I don't think it's broken, probably just strained." He declares as he puts back the bandage delicately. How can he be so gentle with me? After all he must be blaming me for forcing them to stay here and fight in a war they don't have anything to do with. "You ok?" He asks as he finalizes the bandage.

"Yeah, you do that better than Daniel." I say, trying to light the mood.

"No, no, I know that, I mean…are you ok?" I look at him closely. During the last few years we've spent together I've learned that you often have to read between the lines if you wanna get through the military facade and get what he thinks as Jack O'Neill the man. He looks up at me when he's done bandaging my hand, and only then do I get what he's talking about. I smile a little.

"Yeah…I am. Trimey's the only one who found out I'm really a woman. I'm fine." He lets out a breath I hadn't realized he'd been holding and for a moment his hand lingers on mine a little longer than necessary, giving it an almost imperceptible squeeze. "Thank you." I whisper and he nods, leaning away a little. It's obvious on his face that there's something else he wants to talk about. "Is there something else sir?" He takes in a deep breath and swallows, trying to find the words, I guess.

"Well, actually…" He clears his throat and takes back his stick to play with the fire, "no, not really. Not just yet." He finally says and I'm a little disappointed. For once that we're not biting each other's head off, it would have been a good time to talk.

"You sure?" From the look he gives me I understand that he's not. Suddenly, as if thinking about something he'd forgotten, he glances around, looking for something. Finally he finds it and offers me a plate of MRE macaroni and a cup of coffee. I take it surprisingly. He prepared a meal for me? What's going on around here? Even if it's rather cold, I eat eagerly, discovering that I'm hungry even if I hadn't thought about eating all day. The colonel observes me silently, almost nervously and it makes me stop eating. I put down my plate and glare at him squarely.

"What?" He shakes his head, but without losing eye contact.

"Nothing, I guess…I'm just glad to have you back." He finally admits with a little shrug. Is he talking about me personally, or about me professionally? Or maybe about Teal'c and I? He lowers his eyes to the fire and carries on. "I know we haven't been getting along real nicely lately," I'm about to protest even if I know it's the truth but he stops me before I can say anything, "but I want you to know, that I don't think it means anything. These fights we've been having, I don't think they're the real us."

"What's that sir? The real us?" I hold my breath because I can hardly believe that we're actually discussing *that*. Part of me wants to run away as quickly as possible, but the other wants to get everything out in the open and clear it for once and for all. The next look he gives me goes straight to my heart, because there's so much longing and wanting in it that I find myself reflecting the e