"Memory Serves" By Amelie Allard

TITLE: Memory Serves

AUTHOR: Amelie Allard

STATUS: complete

CATEGORY: S/J UST

RATING: PG-13

CONTENT WARNINGS: One swear word

SPOILERS: Children of the Gods, Matter of Time, In the Line of Duty, Divide and Conquer…I think that's it, but not necessarily in that order. So basically all you need is a general knowledge of the show.

SEASON: five-ish…It doesn't really matter. Pre-Meridian though

ARCHIVE: The SJA, yes please, you can find the whole thing at www.colba.net/~amelie

SUMMARY: Sam has amnesia. Yeah, that's all :)

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I know the 'memory' thing has kinda already been treated in episodes like Beneath the Surface, but this story came to mind and I just had to write it. Also this is UST so don't expect a full blown romance and a very happy and fluffy ending. You have been warned :)

FEEDBACK: YES! Please! I'm craving to know what you think! Go on, make a girl happy!

DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognizable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret Productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognized characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.

She opened her eyes slowly, trying to avoid any more of the dulling headache her coming to had provoked. Her vision blurred for a moment so she closed her eyes again, only to reopen them again with more conviction. Looking around, she took in her surrounding and noticed the medical equipment around her and recognized the beeping sound of the monitor just beside her bed. She must be in a hospital of some sort, she realized, and yet she couldn't figure out why people would like to go to a hospital where the walls were a dull gray and the lighting insufficient, as if the builders were still trying to figure out how they would paint it. Of course, she thought, usually people don't go to hospitals because they like it, so why was she here?

The door of the room swung open and a small woman wearing a white lab coat came walking and rushed at her side with a warm smile.

"Hey, how are you feeling?" She asked with a soft voice.

"Where am I?" Her own voice seemed rusty compared to the woman's and she frowned, trying to clear her throat a little.

A slight frown touched the –she guessed- doctor's face, but her warm smile didn't waver as she replied. "You're in the infirmary." She noted something on the pad she was holding and looked up at her again. "So how are you feeling? Any pain? Headache?"

"Yeah, headache." Her voice sounded clearer this time. "What happened?"

"You fell and hit your head in the process, no wonder it hurts. You had a minor concussion, but I'll give you something for the pain. Should go away in a few minutes." The doctor explained as she walked over to a red phone and picked up the receiver. "General Hammond, she's awake." Was all she said before turning to her again. Still smiling, she came back to her bed and checked the monitors to be sure everything was ok.

Feeling exhausted, the woman on the bed closed her eyes again and listened to the woman fussing around. A few minutes later, the sound of footsteps entering the room made her open her eyes again. The first thing she saw was a tall man, good looking, greyish short hair pointing in all directions and wearing military trousers and a black t-shirt. Damn good-looking she thought. A pang of recognition flashed in her head – she knew this man – as her eyes locked with his brown ones. But then it was gone. She couldn't tell who or what he was. He looked down at her with relief and a little concern, his fingers unable to stay still as they tapped on his thigh. There were other things in his eyes too; eagerness, longing, affection, pride, but she wasn't sure if she was supposed to see those emotions in his features, she wasn't sure if he wanted her to see them. He crooked up a tentative smile and as she returned it he took one step towards her bed, only to stop when another man entered the room.

He was smaller, but larger, and contrary to the tall man, this one was wearing a complete military uniform – air force – the thought sprung into her mind. He walked proudly and decidedly, but when he spoke, she was surprised at the soft tone in his voice.

"Major, how are you feeling?"

Major? Was she military too? She couldn't tell, in fact, she couldn't tell anything, aside from the fact that the ache in her head hadn't diminished at all. She was disrupted from her thoughts by two more men entering the room. One was wearing glasses and had penetrating blue eyes – cute enough, she thought - and he rushed at her side with unabashed relief and happiness at seeing her awake.

"Sam!"

Sam? Was that her name? He stopped just beside the bed and smiled down at her. And then she looked at the last man, a very tall and very strong-looking man, dark skin and dark eyes, a strange golden tattoo on his forehead. This one seemed calmer than the others but still happy to see her as he bowed his head gracefully in acknowledgment. The woman doctor started briefing them on her current state of health, but her mind wandered without listening.

She was starting to feel uneasy. She had no idea who these people were, but from their reactions to her awakening, she could affirm that they knew her very well, otherwise they wouldn't show as much concern towards her well-being. She looked at every one of them with confusion clouding her thoughts, and again her eyes fell on the tall man. He was listening attentively to the doctor, and then, as if sensing her eyes on him, he turned to look at her. He raised an eyebrow at her staring, but she merely frowned, trying to remember why he was so familiar. She had the feeling she had met him at some point before, but she couldn't remember the circumstances.

"Carter?" He suddenly asked, silencing the doctor in the process, and all turned to look at her.

"If…If I may, I'd like to speak to the doctor…alone." She said quietly, trying not to sound too harsh on the men in her room. Some of them exchanged glances, but the tall man shrugged and looked at the bald man.

"Very well," this one said with the voice of a commander, and they all left the room and closed the door.

"Sam?" The doctor asked when they were alone again. Reading the tag on her chest, she saw the doctor's name was Janet Fraiser. Obviously none of them had noticed her faltering memory, how could she announce to any of them that she didn't recognize, let alone know them?

"I…ah…" She managed to breathe, "I can't remember anything." The shock on Doctor Fraiser's face was noticeable, but she still managed to ask the next question with an amazing calmness.

"Wh…What do you mean?"

"This is not a joke, I swear, I can't tell who I am or where I am or who these people are. I don't remember anything." She choked on her own words and all she could do was whisper the end of the sentence.

Doctor Fraiser closed her eyes momentarily, but when she opened them she forced a smile to her lips. "Okay," she said as she laid a gentle hand on her arm, "don't worry, I'll go tell the others, and you get some rest, ok? I'll be back later, this is probably temporary, but I'll run some tests, just in case."

She nodded and closed her eyes, but she knew she wouldn't sleep. How could she when she had no idea who she was?

****

The next thing she knew, she was opening her eyes. So she had managed to sleep after all. She couldn't remember her dream, and it made her snort mentally. How ironic was it that she couldn't remember her dream any more than her entire life?

As she looked around, she was surprised to find the tall man she'd met earlier casually leaning on the doorframe of the infirmary. He was looking down and kicking his boot with the other, as if waiting for something.

"Hi." She said, making him jump slightly. He looked up at her with a smile forming on the corner of his mouth.

"Hey," he replied as he crossed the room to sit on the chair beside her bed. "Ole Doc Fraiser says you can't remember a thing?"

Not knowing how to respond, she looked down, and her fingers found the cover to play with. As if sensing her discomfort, he went on. "Well, how about we start at the beginning? This way I can talk about myself. That's what men do, talk about themselves so…"

A slow smile appeared on her lips and that seemed a good enough answer for him so he continued. "I'm Jack." He extended his hand and she took it, enjoying the warmth of his palm and the way her hand seemed to fit perfectly in his larger one.

"And I'm…Sam, right?" She asked with a frown. Somehow having him here was making things a little easier, but still she felt very, very awkward. As if something was very wrong, and it was driving her crazy. He let go of her hand, reluctantly it seemed, and nodded with a little smile. He cleared his throat and shifted on his seat, but the smile didn't leave his face.

"Yeah, actually, you're whole name's Samantha Carter."

She snorted frustratingly but he didn't move an inch, so she dropped his intense gaze. "This must be weird for you," she said as once again her fingers toyed with the rim of the cover. "I mean clearly you know a whole lot more about me than I do, I don't even know my own goddamned name!"

He took a while to reply, obviously trying to find the right words to make her feel better. "Well, it is weird, I won't lie to ya on that, but doc Fraiser says it's only temporary, so you'll remember everything in no time. And the good thing is, you know your own name now, so can I keep on talking about me?"

Sam smiled and decided to play the game. For all she knew it could make her remember somehow. "Okay so what do you do? I'm guessing you're military." He raised his eyebrows and looked down at himself.

"What gave it away?"

Her smile got wider and her tone playful when Sam answered. "The boots."

"Ah." Apparently he wasn't too keen about talking about himself, no matter how he'd joked about it a minute ago.

"And I'm military too right? The...man called me Major earlier."

"Yeah that was General George Hammond, he's the commander of this base. A good man, but don't tell him I said that." He said conspiratorially, "And you're an air force officer too. We work together."

"Oh."

Just as he was about to add something, Doctor Fraiser came in and Jack sat straighter in his chair. "Hey," she said as she approached the bed. "How's the headache?"

"It's gone!" Sam realized and she smiled at the doctor.

"Good, Colonel," she said as she turned to Jack, "I'd like to have a word with Major Carter alone, for a moment."

"Sure," he said as he got up. "I'll see you around Carter!" He waved and left the room.

*****

Jack was having a bad time.

Not only Carter had a case of amnesia, but he couldn't tell her anything either. After he'd left her room earlier this morning, he'd been summoned to see Hammond, only to be told that everything about the Stargate program was to be classified from her until she found her memory again, or until she was back enough not to be a "security risk."

But Jack knew Carter, and he knew that, memory or not, she wouldn't tell anything if she understood how important the Stargate program was, and how important she was to the SGC and SG-1. He'd even argued with Hammond until finally the man had thrown him out of his office.

After several debriefings from Fraiser and her shrink friends, it was decided that Carter's "situation" would be temporary, but they couldn't tell how long it would last.

"You'll all have to be patient with her." Fraiser had said, with that warning look of hers. "And I'm sure Major Carter will need your support now more than ever, so talk to her, remind her of who she really is so she can be it again."

Hammond decided to put SG-1 on downtime during Carter's recovery, so that they would be able to spend time with her, and, for Jack, to catch up on some paperwork. Normally he would have screwed the paperwork and go straight to Minnesota, but not this time. This time he was counting on obeying Doctor's orders and spending some time with Carter. Not that he considered it as a duty. On the contrary. Nothing could be further from the truth, in fact. The truth was, he wanted so much to spend time with her, and it saddened him somehow that it was professionally correct now that she had amnesia while it wasn't ok when she was her normal self. But, he thought as he walked towards the infirmary, Carter's Carter, and he'd treasure this little time with her as much as he normally would.

"You guys ready to go?" He asked as he crossed the infirmary in a few steps. Daniel and Carter were deep in conversation and the archeologist jumped slightly at the sound of his voice. Carter smiled and got up. She'd had time to change since Fraiser had dismissed her and she was now wearing more comfortable clothes – jeans and white t-shirt. Her eyes were still constantly moving and there was such a look of insecurity on her face that all he wanted to do was take her hand and give it a reassuring squeeze. But he couldn't do that could he, he reminded himself bitterly.

"We are." Daniel said as he looked at Carter and then began walking towards the door. They'd made a little schedule for the next few days, determining who would stay with Carter and help her finding her way in her neighborhood. Tonight was Daniel's turn, but Jack had suggested going with them on the first day back home. And Carter had enthusiastically agreed. A little too eagerly to be proper, he'd thought, but he was happy she liked him even when she couldn't remember everything they'd gone through in the last few years. In fact it was quite nice, nicer than he'd ever admit actually.

As they made their way to the elevator, Jack was watching her. He watched as she stared at everything around her, the gray walls, the rather dark corridors, the offices they passed, and she seemed to concentrate on her surrounding only, as if she was trying to integrate everything in her mind in case she'd forget again. It was sad, in a sense. Carter was always so focused on everything she did, it was hard to see her like this, trying to get her life back online without being able to help her. They reached the elevators and walked in and Daniel pressed the button that would take them to the other elevator.

"Wow, how deep were we?" Carter asked as she saw the number of levels there were in the complex.

"Deep." Jack replied with a smile and she returned it immediately, which made his gut lurch in a very disconcerting and unexpected way.

Finally they made it to the top and they signed out, walking in silence until they were in the parking lot. Carter's car was there, next to Jack's truck and Daniel searched his pocket for her keys.

"This is my car?" She asked as she watched Daniel enter the key in the lock.

"No actually it's mine," Jack joked with a smile, hoping Carter would see it wasn't true in his playful tone. "You…have the truck." He added, trying to hide a grin. Actually he couldn't picture Carter with his dirty truck, but the shocked face she made was even funnier. Of course Daniel had to ruin everything.

"Come on Jack, this is not fair, she'll believe everything you say, don't lie to her." He turned back to Carter. "Jack is only jealous because your car is cooler than his."

Jack grinned but feigned hurt as he slapped Daniel's shoulder. At least it made her chuckle, he thought, which was a good sign, she hadn't laughed since she'd woken up the day before. Daniel opened her door, but Jack grabbed the keys from his hand before Daniel had the time to say anything.

"You take my truck." He told him with a smile, "we'll meet you there." Daniel made a face as he caught the keys Jack had thrown his way, but he didn't say anything, which was something Jack was grateful for. Somehow he knew that Daniel understood his desire to spend time with Carter, not that they'd talked about it, but it was like a tacit understanding between them ; Jack cared but didn't want to talk about it, and Daniel knew he cared but wouldn't talk about it until Jack did.

So Jack eased himself in the driver's seat while Carter sat in the passenger's seat with a low whistle. "Wow, look at that car!" She said as her fingers trailed slowly over the board. "I mean, how cool am I?" She added cheekily.

Jack smiled and handed her her sunglasses that were lying on the dashboard. "You have your moments." He replied with a small smile. She smiled and he cleared his throat, trying to forget what that smile did to his insides, he would not go there, he wouldn't go there, he wouldn't…

"I think we can go." She snapped him away from his thoughts and he realized Daniel had already started rolling away, so he looked away from her face while he ignited the car.

"Yeah I believe we can."

Jack drove silently, letting Carter take in her surroundings. She looked amazed, but there was still a constant frown clouding her expression. He couldn't blame her. He probably would feel way more frustrated had the situation been reversed. In fact, he thought, he would be totally panicked and frustrated, and he was sure everybody around him would know that soon enough. But Carter wasn't like that, she was patient, logical, and she knew that there was nothing she could do but wait, no matter how frustrating it was for her to feel useless. He sighed as he shifted the car and Carter threw a look at him through her sunglasses.

"Do I often let you drive my car?"

He was surprised by the question, so he threw her a look, but there was nothing on her face saying if there was a deeper purpose to that question. "Um, no. Actually, this is the second time I sit in here."

She looked surprised and a tag disappointed. "Oh." It was a sign that they weren't as close as she might have first thought.

Realizing she wouldn't say any more, Jack explained. "The first time was when you bought it. You were trying to make your choice between two cars so you invited us and asked for our opinion." Glancing at her sideways, he saw that she seemed perplex. She must have figured there was more to the story than that, Jack mused, and she was right if he was honest with himself. In fact he had omitted the fact that she'd asked *him* to come along, but he had immediately included Daniel and Teal'c. He knew she had been trying to make things like before again, but he didn't want to go back to before. He wanted to go further and the truth was he had turned her down because he didn't trust himself enough not to take it further. He knew if he were alone with her he would do or say something really stupid that would make their relationship even more complicated than it already was. She had been asking for his friendship, but he'd found he couldn't give it to her, because friendship was far too simple compared to what he felt for her.

But no matter how he had felt then, he knew now that his feelings had been selfish. He realized now that things wouldn't – couldn't - go further, and friendship was all he could offer her overtly. Of course deep down, there was more to his actions than friendship, but he was trying his best not to show it.

*****

Sam was confused.

Yeah, she was confused and frustrated. Very frustrated in fact. And angry. She hated not knowing anything, she hated having to depend on anyone, she hated this. Not that she'd told anybody how frustrated and tired she felt. No, because they wouldn't understand. Daniel, Janet, Teal'c (where the hell was he from?), Jack and even General Hammond had all been very kind and patient with her, but it didn't change the fact that they couldn't understand how it felt to lose your memory.

Because not only you lose your memory, but you lose your identity as well and Sam couldn't bear that. She couldn't bear not knowing who the hell she was. From what Daniel had told her, she was a very nice person, very smart too. But was that all she was? Smart? He had told her she was an astrophysicist, which was impressive granted, but it didn't change the fact that her profession didn't define who she was.

That's what she needed, she decided. She needed a definition of herself, but who would be able to give her that? For some reason, she doubted her friends knew her well enough to help her in that area.

And what about Jack? She'd felt something when she'd first seen him, a connection of some kind. But when she'd asked him if he often drove her car, he's said no. Which didn't mean anything per se, but he'd looked so comfortable there that she'd wondered if they did more than work together. Him driving her car could have been a sign of some sort of a more private relationship, but then, he would have been a little more…at ease around her, wouldn't he? She'd felt him nervous around her, even if he did his best to hide behind sarcastic comments.

The water of her shower was making her skin shrivel, but Sam didn't feel like getting out. Instead she felt tears in her eyes so she closed her eyelids, trying to bite the moisture back. Jack would be here in a couple of minutes and she didn't want to show him her despair. Somehow she felt that she had to prove how strong she was to him.

Is that tough enough for ya? Or are we gonna have to arm wrestle?

Sam's eyes flashed open. Was that a memory or just some kind of trick from her imagination? No, she remembered clearly having said that. But under what circumstances? She searched her memory for more, but couldn't find anything. Getting out of the shower, she dried and dressed herself quickly and rushed to the living room. The first day she'd come back home Daniel had suggested she kept a notebook where she could note all the little things she'd remember in time. Sitting on the couch, she opened it excitedly. This was her first entry in the notebook, but she knew there'd be more. There had to. She wrote the quote and sat further back into the couch, wondering when she could have said that…

A sharp knock on the door startled her, but she got up and opened the door. It was Jack.

"Hey!" He said with a little smile. "I hope you're hungry, I brought pizza." He added as he showed the white box he was carrying.

"Pizza? It's not even 10."

"So?"

With a smile, Sam opened the door wider and let him in. Taking the pizza from him, she walked to the kitchen while he took off his leather jacket.

"So how've you been?" He asked as he followed her to the kitchen. His tone was light but when she looked closely she saw real concern there.

"Ok, I guess," she replied as she took two plates from the cupboard. It was nice to be comfortable in her own house again. At first she wasn't sure where each thing went, but the more she stayed there, the more it became automatic to open the good cupboards. As she began setting the table for two, she realized he was watching her closely.

"What?" He looked away almost guiltily, but he merely shrugged.

"Nothing." Sam shook her head but decided not to add anything so she let a comfortable silence descend upon them.

"So what did you and Daniel do?" He said after a little while as he took the utensils from her and kept on setting the table.

"We talked, mostly."

"Yeah, you two tend to do that a lot." He replied as he picked some juice from the fridge. Sam smiled at that, remembering how talkative Daniel had been two days before. "Fraiser was here yesterday wasn't she?" Sam realized he was trying to make conversation so she decided she'd help him a little. He sat at the table and opened the box so Sam followed him. He cut a piece of pizza and dropped it onto a plate which he handed her while licking the sauce dripping from his fingers.

"Yeah she was. She came in with Cassandra. And Teal'c showed up later." She replied as she watched him bite in the pizza. She couldn't help herself! He had sauce dripping on his chin but it was kind of endearing so she stared, torn between disgust and amusement. He stopped chewing when he realized she was watching him.

"What, you don't like those dressings?" He asked between two bites. Sam frowned. It was another clue telling her that he didn't know her as a…lover would. She shook her head and smiled.

"Actually I don't know, I guess we'll see." She began eating and realized she was hungry after all. They ate the rest of the meal in silence and when they were done, Sam led the way back to the living room, carrying a mug of hot and reassuring coffee. Jack eased himself on the couch, only to half stand again and retrieving her notebook from where he'd just sat. "Sorry." He said as he handed it to her.

Sam took it and sat in the armchair in front of him. Automatically her fingers opened the book and she read her first memory. Glancing up at Jack, she wondered if maybe he knew what was the memory about. Hell it didn't hurt to ask!

"Can I ask you something?" She said as he took a sip of his coffee. He merely raised an eyebrow. "I think I remembered something earlier, so I noted it down in this book."

"That's great!" He sounded genuinely happy for her, and the fact that he didn't ask her what the memory was was a great sign of respect of her privacy, but she wanted to share this with him.

"The thing is I'm not sure where or when I said that, so maybe you would…?" She handed him her notebook and he took it slowly, his eyes never leaving hers. As he picked the book, his warm and long fingers brushed hers and she felt a shot of adrenaline warming her veins. Jack frowned and snapped back his hand sharply. Carefully avoiding her stare, he opened the book and read the first entry. Slowly, a smug grin appeared on his lips.

"This is the first thing you remembered?"

Sam merely nodded, excited about the fact that clearly he knew what it meant. "And I take it you wanna know the juicy details and all, right?" He added with a mischievous smile.

Sam nodded again but she wasn't sure anymore. She must have made a funny face because Jack suddenly laughed softly – a lilting sound – and he closed the book so he could rest his elbows on his thighs. "You know what? Let's go take a walk." He said softly as he stood.

"Ok but you'll tell me right?"

"You bet."

They walked out of the house and ventured in the little park in front of Sam's house.

"So, who did I want to armwrestle with?" She asked as they walked, breathing in the sharp, fresh air.

"Ah…me, actually." Sam stopped, an incredulous smile forming on her lips.

"What the hell for?" She really couldn't imagine herself asking Jack to armwrestle. She realized she was still standing there, gazing at him incredulously until he put a gentle hand on her arm and with a little tug, motioned her to walk again.

"I think you were trying to make a point, really. You said that the first time we met, and I…well…kinda challenged you so you thought you'd do the same."

"That's it?" She still couldn't understand what had taken her. And the way she remembered it, she had said that in a very flirtatious and challenging tone.

"Ok, the truth is," Jack added hurriedly, as if he suddenly felt bad about omitting some crucial parts to the story. "The truth is, I was being a total jerk. So you put me back in my place."

"Oh, ok." They walked in silence for a while and Sam was starting to feel chilly so she tightened her jacket around herself.

"You cold?" His eyes hadn't left the path ahead of him, but Sam could see the same concern as before, and the same attempt at hiding it.

"I'm ok" she lied. The truth was, she was enjoying walking with him way too much to just go home. For the millionth time in the last few days, she wondered what was the connection between them. Clearly there was something, she couldn't deny the way she had butterflies flying around in her stomach every time she saw him, or the way she felt her blood race in her veins when they exchanged a look or when…

"You ok?"

She looked at him and realized he'd been watching her. "Yeah, sorry, was miles away." She replied, trying to hide de fact that she was blushing.

"Yeah, noticed that." He was still observing her carefully, and she had the feeling at that moment that he could read right through her. Hell, maybe he could. "This must be frustrating…" He said at last, opening the subject and she took the opportunity. Even if he couldn't understand, he'd be at least able to listen. And that's what she needed right now, she realized. Not a talkative Daniel, not a concerned Janet. She needed Jack to listen. Somehow she had the feeling she didn't talk often about herself to her friends, so, she decided, it was time to change that.

"Yeah, I think…frustrating is the word." She began as she dropped his gaze and looked around at the beautiful park. "It's just so weird. I mean, I feel a certain recognition and I know I should remember, but I just don't. And it's driving me crazy."

He merely nodded and buried his hands further into his pockets.

"Take you for instance." She decided to get it over with. His head snapped up in her direction and he stopped walking.

"Me?"

Sam nodded and he began walking again, a bit warily, if she could judge from the frown that was clouding his eyes. "I mean clearly we work together right?" A quick nod and a barely audible sigh. "And I guess…we're…friends, right?"

"One could say that…"

"But…" She took a deep breath and decided to take the big step. "But is that it?"

He slowly closed his eyes, as if he'd been dreading the question, and seemed to swallow with difficulty. When he finally looked down at her, Sam realized she'd made a mistake. Had she gone too far? His eyes were so dark and expressing such a sad longing it took her breath away.

Oh God, the thought suddenly froze her, was he married? Three kids, a dog and a pool? After all it was possible, he was a very – very – attractive man and…

"Theoretically," he finally spoke, his voice just above a whisper, as if he couldn't stand saying the words. "That's it."

Sam couldn't believe the pain – the physical pain – his words caused her. She looked away, embarrassed, until she felt his hand on her arm again.

"But if you want the truth…I…ah…God how do I tell you this?" He blurted out, laughing bitterly.

"Jack you don't have to tell me anything if it makes you uncomfortable." Sam said as she placed her hand over his. He took in a shaky breath and turned his hand over her arm so he could intertwine his fingers with hers. But then he shook his head and looked down, still searching for the words.

Finally he glared at her and let go of her hand, taking a step back. Sam watched him back away with a sudden sense of loss and she had the feeling that it wasn't the first time she'd felt this way about him. He was a step away but it felt like a mile to Sam.

"I don't know if you remember this part," he finally said, his voice suddenly coldly controlled, "but