"Guilt, Blame & Forgiveness" by Deb

Title: Guilt, Blame, and Forgiveness

Author: deb

Status: complete

Category: S/J UST, h/c, angst

Rating: M (language)

Season/Sequel Info: After Shades of Grey; Sequel to 'Keeping Silent'

Spoilers: Shades of Grey

Archive: SJA, Heliopolis OK

Feedback: Sure

Summary: A rift has developed between Sam and Jack.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret Productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognized characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.

Author's Note: I'd like to thank my beta reader, Bruni (for not letting me get sloppy with my verb tenses) :-)

WARNING: This story contains strong language and mentions of violence, rape, and torture.

* * * * *

Sam woke up. This time, like the last few mornings, thankfully, her sleep had not been disturbed by nightmares of the 'incident'. //Ha. 'Incident.' What a nice...clean...sterile...safe euphemism for what happened on that mission. The clinical term for it is rape. No one likes that word. It makes anyone who hears that word uncomfortable. But of course it would. No one likes to think about that subject because it IS an uncomfortable subject...//

Sam shook those thoughts out of her head. //Accept it, acknowledge it, but don't dwell on it.// That was some of the advise her therapist had given her. Sam had surprised Janet (and herself) when she had accepted the doctor's suggestion of seeing a therapist.

She knew that what had happened to her was the most traumatic event she had ever experienced and that it would affect her work (and it did). She had lost a lot on that fateful mission, she didn't want to lose her position at the SGC, too.

* * * *

Sam finished getting dressed and left her quarters. After the 'incident', Sam stayed on base a lot. She tried to tell people and herself that it was because she had a lot of work to finish. But truth be told, she was scared to go home. Rationally, she knew that she was safe, but it didn't diminish the fear she felt. The fear and edginess had almost disappeared over the last few months. The nightmares had lessened, too. The only thing that hadn't improved was her relationship with her CO. It wasn't bad. They didn't avoid each other or anything like that. The problem was it hadn't grown or matured or...moved on. Lately, that had been the main topic in her therapy sessions. Her relationship with Daniel and Teal'c was back to normal. (Note to self: 'normal' is a relative term). It was awkward at first, but it had healed and improved...just like it should have, like she needed it to. But Colonel O'Neill? For some reason he couldn't move on. And because of that, neither could she.

Sam got to her lab, and as usual, there on her desk sat a cup of hot coffee, prepared exactly as she liked it. And it had a lavender and white ribbon tied around it. She smiled to herself as she removed the ribbons and took a sip of her beverage.

This ritual had gone on since the 'incident'. She guessed it was Jack's...er...um...the Colonel's way of saying...? What was he saying? 'I'm sorry'? 'Please forgive me'? 'I care about you'? She wasn't sure exactly, but she knew it was a kindhearted gesture.

"So how is it?" The Colonel's voice made her jump. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you."

Sam smiled at him. "It's OK, Sir. I was just thinking."

"Imagine that."

She softly chuckled at his response and took another sip. "It's perfect," she said while raising up the mug.

"Yeah, I pretty much have it down to a science. See, I take some freshly ground coffee... What?" Jack stopped his explanation when he saw the confused expression on her face.

"Are you becoming a scientist, Sir?" She said with a slight smirk on her face. She knew how he felt about scientists. Jack just smiled back.

"Well, yeah, I guess. Can you get a Ph.D. in coffeeology?"

"Sorry, Sir, I don't think so."

"Bummer." He stuck his hands in his pocket, shrugged, and left. She smiled as he left. When he was gone, she sank into a bit of sadness. The coffee ritual was the only time he relaxed around her. It was only those few minutes of her day that even remotely resembled her 'former' life.

She was surprised when just moments later, her Colonel returned.

"Uh...Sam?" He asked as he approached her.

"Yes, Sir?"

"Um...I was wondering if...ah..." Sam had never seen him so nervous.

What was he trying to ask?

"Sir, it’s OK. What do you want?" She asked gently. She knew what he was doing was difficult for him. He took a deep breath and spewed out: "I was wondering if maybe we could have a joint session with Dr. Mackenzie?

What? A joint session? What did he mean? "Sir? A joint session?

You mean you've been seeing...?"

"Yeah. I have." He looked down at the floor, ashamed. He was leaning up against one of the lab tables and from that angle, Sam could see the tears glistening on his lashes. "We have a lot that we need to say to each other, but haven't. I think maybe Mackenzie could help...it was just an idea..."

"It is a good idea." Sam responded seriously. She gently placed her hand on his arm. He looked at her, then back at the ground and nodded.

"Sir? I don't mean to pry, but why are you seeing him?"

Jack just sighed, then responded in almost a whisper..."guilt."

* * * *

Jack sat nervously in Dr. Mackenzie's office. The session, thus far, was going...painfully...but well. Sam had opened up and shared her feelings since the 'incident.' She recounted how she and Daniel and Teal'c had all settled back into their comfortable and strong friendships.

Now? Now she began to talk about him. It was difficult for her to voice her feelings. It was difficult for him to listen...but he did.

"I just feel like there has been this...invisible force field...around us where we just can't talk. He won't talk to me."

Jack looked up to find both the doctor and Sam looking at him. He noticed the tears glistening in Sam's crystal eyes. At that moment he felt every major organ in his body stop at once. He looked back at the doctor, but couldn't find the words.

"Jack...please talk to me. Why do you feel guilty? Because you came back from retirement and took over SG-1 from me? I don't care about that. I *like* having you back. Please, Jack, tell me what's wrong. Why do you feel guilty?"

She was begging now. She was actually sitting on her knees in front of him begging him to communicate. And yet, he still couldn't. The tremendous amount of guilt he had felt since he had 'rescued' her was nearly unbearable. Unbearable, but not unknown. The guilt rivaled that which he had felt when his son had died.

Jack looked up and saw Sam's head resting on his knees...sobbing. //Why can't I open up? Why? Because I love her. I love her and I have caused her a great deal of pain. *I* caused it.// That notion caused his complete and total emotional paralysis.

Suddenly, Sam stopped crying. Jack looked at her and noticed the emotions changing across her face. They stopped on anger. Jack watched as Sam stood up, obviously frustrated...obviously fed up. He tried...he wanted to tell her. But how do you look someone you love in the eye and admit that it was because of *you* that they were beaten and raped and threatened with death?

//If you never ask for forgiveness...you can never be refused.//

Jack was suddenly shocked out of his reverie by a stinging slap across the face. Stunned, Jack just stared at the raging Sam before him.

"You selfish son of a bitch. It's easier for you to just lock everything up inside, isn't it? Damn anyone else. I don't blame you for..."

"For what?" Jack finally found his voice. Sam just stood there. "What do you not blame me for?"

"I don't blame you for taking command of SG-1."

Jack was furious. He stood up so rapidly that his chair flew backwards and landed on its back. "You don't blame me for taking over SG-1?!?"

"No, I..."

"Fuck the team. God, Sam, you blame me so much for everything that happened to you, that you can't even mention it. Like it's so fucking obvious that I *let* you get beaten and raped, that I nearly *let* you get shot to death, that there is absolutely no fucking point of bringing it up. We all know I nearly *let* you get killed that..." At this point his words were nearly incomprehensible. He was yelling...he was sobbing...he was coming apart.

Sam was shocked by his words. She had never once blamed him for what had happened on...whatever the hell that planet's designation was. She looked at his face. It looked nothing like the man she knew. His swollen, red, lifeless eyes...his worn face. He seemed to have aged ten years in the past ten minutes. She tried to comfort him, but as she tried to put her arms around him, he pushed her away.

"Get away. How could you possibly want to touch me after what I've done?"

"Jack, please...I don't blame you for any of that."

"But I could have stopped them...if I had just given them the code."

Sam calmly spoke to Jack, who was starting to calm down. They sat down again in the now righted chairs. Sam placed a tentative hand on his arm. "Jack, you did what a good soldier would do. You protected your homeland."

Sam had to listen closely to the soft whispers coming from her Colonel's lips, "But I needed to protect you."

Sam started to break down. She couldn't believe the emotions washing over her. All this time Jack had been hurting over something that had never crossed her mind. She thought it was guilt for the change in command...all the while it was really guilt over her.

"Jack, you got me out of there..."

"No, Makepeace got *us* out of there."

"You kept me alive..."

"How? By letting them beat the crap out of you instead of just giving them what they wanted."

"No Jack...you kept me alive by being there. Jack, you and I both know there have been strong feelings between us since the first day we met. And those feelings grew after you retired and we didn't have to deal with the regs anymore."

Jack wasn't sure where she was going with this, but he was mesmerized. Every time she spoke his name it was like an invisible force engulfing him in one of her hugs.

"Jack, once we were free to grow closer...to..." Sam's voice started to falter, "...to...love...each other, I realized that I am a stronger person when I'm near you. You make me feel like I can accomplish anything, build anything..." Sam grasped his chin, forcing him to look at her, "...survive anything." She then placed the most gentle, the most tender kiss on his forehead. And he wept in her arms.

Jack finally looked up at her. "Do you forgive me?"

"Jack, how can I forgive you for something I don't blame you for?"

They stared at each other for an eternity. Sam saw Jack's heart breaking, saw the guilt in his eyes.

Sam gently placed her head on his shoulder and wrapped her arms around him. As she did this, she whispered the words she knew he needed to hear, "I forgive you, Jack."

* * * * *

Months had passed since that 'breakthrough' session with Dr. Mackenzie. Sam thought back to that day as she smiled while looking up at the now spinning 'gate.

"OK campers...any bets on how many trees we'll find?" the leader of SG-1 asked as he entered the gateroom.

"Three hundred and sixty-two."

"Not exactly a round number Carter."

"Not many things in nature are, Sir." She responded with a wide smile. Jack was happy to see that she was smiling a lot lately. Come to think of it, he had, too. Of course he had reason to.

After that session in Mackenzie's office, a lot had changed. And because of those changes, a lot had gone back to normal. Jack remained permanently as the leader of SG-1. Sam headed an earth-bound unit, SG-16, assigned to play with doohickeys, analyze rocks, and basically just prove what was already known...that she was 'way smarter' than everyone.

Of course, every so often, her expertise required her to join other teams when they went off world. More often than not, that team was SG-1...to the point that it felt like she had never left the team. There was one big exception, however. Colonel O'Neill was no longer her CO.

As General Hammond watched SG-1 ascend the ramp to the 'gate, he smiled to himself. All his 'children' were happy now.

Since O'Neill's permanent return from retirement, Hammond had known that a change in the chain of command would be needed. He knew his two officer's relationship had changed to a 'beyond' professional level and he didn't want to risk a court-martial for either of them because of an improper relationship.

And there was no way their involvement *could* be kept a secret. People always find out about things...especially regarding Carter and O'Neill. Their kind of love had no way of keeping silent.

The End.