"Angels, Ghosts And Goodbyes" by Jo R

TITLE: Angels, Ghosts and Goodbyes

AUTHOR: Jo R.

CATEGORY: Character Death, S/J Romance, Angst, General friendships, Mild-Janet/Daniel romance.

CONTENT WARNINGS: Sam and Jack, Character Death (but don't let this put you off reading.)

RATING: R for character death and adult themes.

SEASON / SEQUEL: Set sometime Season Four.

SPOILERS: Most of the general plotlines from all seasons, mainly those with the Goa'uld and Tok'ra.

SUMMARY: A member of the SGC dies on a routine mission but is unable to move on as the base mourns. But nothing is forever, is it?

ARCHIVE: Heliopolis, SJA, and Shipperworld. Anywhere else, please ask first.

STATUS: On-going but almost complete.

DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime / Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. No copyright infringement is intended. No money is being made. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. Not to be archived without permission. Feedback and constructive criticism most welcome, flames are not. 'I Hope You Dance' is sung by Lee Ann Womack, on her album by the same name and is written by Mark D. Sanders and Tia Sillers. No copyright infringement is meant; it's just a lovely song. All other characters are mine, except for Capt. Middlemiss who belongs to herself. Or the person she's based on.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: Yep, I did it again. Congratulate me, I now have 17 stories on the go all at once. No wonder I'm always confused. Don't let the character death warning put you off - nothing's forever in my twisted head you know. And also, read the quotes, they're little signposts most of the time.

DEDICATION: For the S/Jer's I talk to on AIM, the cast and the crew; Tanja, Helena and Mary for being them. J Special shout-outs to: LM, for amusing.. no, 'enlightening' me over AIM and over the phone and for being a general all-round lovely person and for giving it a beta when I sent it to her and for writing a scene I couldn't write without ruining the whole thing. And to Cathey, for helping me decide to use the song I've used. And to Peps, Jay, Flo, Effy, Ali and the others, for putting up with my babble. In loving memory of Megan - daughter, sister, friend and aunt.

*~*~* 'We are all born for love: it is the principle of existence and it's only end.' - Benjamin Disraeli *~*~*

It was a well-known fact that whenever SG-1 returned before they were scheduled, a med team would be needed. That was why not only General George Hammond but also a concerned Doctor Janet Fraiser and her best team greeted the three members of SG-1 when they returned from the fateful mission that would change all of their lives for good.

The wormhole disengaged as Dr. Daniel Jackson stumbled and fell into an undignified heap on the ramp. He rolled over onto his back, dried blood matting his dark blond hair as Janet hurried to his side, her hazel eyes wide with concern. He looked at her through watery blue eyes before he was hit by a bout of coughing. The pain she had witnessed in his eyes made Janet 's heart pound and her blood run cold as she looked over at Teal'c, the normally stoic Jaffa wearing a faint expression of sorrow. Her attention turned to the only other member of SG-1 who had returned and a sob built up in her throat.

Colonel Jack O'Neill stood on weak legs that threatened to collapse beneath him at anytime. His eyes stared unseeingly at the dormant stargate, a tear trekking down his cheek as he clutched in his hands a bloody cap, the only sign of the missing member.

"Colonel O'Neill?" General Hammond's slightly exasperated voice led Janet to believe the question had been asked more than once but no one had heard or answered. " Where is Major Carter?"

The answer, when it came, was spoken by Teal'c in a solemn tone, and brought Jack to his knees as silent sobs wracked his frame. " Major Carter is dead."

*~*~* " Experience is the worst; it gives the test before presenting the lesson." ~ Vernon Law. *~*~*

Disbelief was the general attitude of those on base. No one could bring themselves to believe Major Samantha Carter was gone, lost to them forever. They hoped that it would be another one of SG-1's close calls or false alarms. SG-7 was sent back to P5X813 to retrieve the body and the members of SG-1, battered and bruised and lapsing into shock, solemnly sat in the briefing room, waiting for Sam to come home one last time.

The klaxons sounded to announce an incoming wormhole. Daniel remained seated, burying his face in his hands, unable to face it. Teal'c stood by Janet, who began crying again at the sound, offering her his support even through his own inner turmoil. Jack walked over to the observation window, his shoulders squared and his expression blank. He stared, waiting for the members of SG-7 to return with his major, part of him still wanting to believe it was all a mistake and that she'd come through smiling the special smile he knew was reserved solely for him, chiding them for leaving her behind.

It didn't happen. Sam didn't return, dead or otherwise. Racing down to the Embarkation room, Jack arrived just in time to hear General Hammond demand to know what was going on and where Major Carter's body was.

" We went to the place Colonel O'Neill and SG-1 last saw Major Carter's body," Major Chris Anderson, Commanding Officer of SG-7, spoke up, his expression just as puzzled as the other members of his team. " We couldn't find her, Sirs."

" What do you mean you couldn't find her?" Jack demanded sharply. " She was hardly in any condition to get up and go for a nice stroll in the woods!" He glared at the younger officer with such heat the man almost winced.

" Sir," the smooth but sympathetic voice belonged to Captain Karen Middlemiss, second-in-command of SG-7 and a friend of Sam's. The young woman 's blue eyes misted over with unshed tears as she choked out their findings. " Sam.. Major Carter's body was nowhere to be found. We searched the surrounding area for over two hours but we did.. we did find a lot of blood. We've brought back a sample for Dr. Fraiser to analyse but if it is Sam's.. There's no way anyone can live losing that much blood. I'm so sorry, Colonel. She's gone." Karen's voice broke and a tear ran down her cheek. " I 'm sorry. Excuse me, General, Sirs."

The young Captain left the embarkation room quickly, passing some startled Airmen who saw just the blur of her red hair. Major Anderson's eyes followed her longingly, his desire to follow her clearly written across his face.

" Dismissed, Major. We debrief in one hour, take the samples to the infirmary, Doctor Fraiser will be along shortly." General Hammond ordered gruffly, feeling an unexpected lump form in his throat. He had seen that look before, on Jack's face after Sam had fled following Martouf's death. In a way, Anderson and Karen were lucky, they had the chance to have what Jack and Sam couldn't. It pained him so know his best team was never going to be the same and that the man he thought of as his own son would never get the chance to be with the woman he loved. Sensing Jack at his side, Hammond turned to see his second-in-command staring at the stargate with a lost look arranging his features. " Son," the General spoke softly. " If Doctor Fraiser confirms the sample of blood belongs to Major Carter, I will have to declare her as KIA."

" I know, Sir," Jack answered quietly, his eyes fixed on a spot on the opposite wall as it slowly sunk in. " I know."

General Hammond put a hand on Jack's shoulder. " We need to contact the Tok' ra. Jacob should know."

Jack nodded and turned on his heal, leaving without saying another word. The General watched him leave, heaving a troubled sigh as she departed for his own office, where he could grieve for his lost officer in private and prepare himself for breaking the news to Jacob Carter.

*~*~* "The more sand that has escaped from the hourglass of our life, the clearer we should see through it." --Jean-Paul Sartre *~*~*

To be certain of the results, and to try and convince herself what she was seeing was true, Janet ran the identification tests three times. And every time, the results were the same. The blood was undeniably that of Samantha Carter. Tearfully, Janet confirmed the news no one wanted to hear and left the base so she could break the news to Cassandra and grieve for her best friend away from the sympathetic glances and low murmurs of the infirmary staff.

A mournful silence fell over the SGC. Gazes and voices were lowered, conversations were kept serious and those closest to Sam were given the space they needed and deserved. It was partly the lack of greeting that gave General Jacob Carter, host to Selmac, the impression that something was seriously wrong. That, and his instincts telling him something terrible had happened.

" George? It's Sam, isn't it?" Jacob demanded on seeing the grim expression on his old friend's face and the lack of his daughter in the gateroom. His footsteps sounded unusually loud in the hushed room. " Where's my daughter?"

A look of pain crossed General's Hammond's face before it was replaced with his command mask once again. " Jacob, we should discuss this in my office."

" Don't coddle me, George. Just tell me straight. Something's happened to Sam, hasn't it?" Jacob snapped, fear gripping his heart even as Selmac tried to rationally calm him down.

" I wish I didn't have such bad news to tell you, old friend," General Hammond answered gently, taking another step towards him. " Maj.. Samantha was killed on a recent mission to P5X813. SG-1 were ambushed by a group of natives and she didn't survive the attack. I'm sorry, Jacob. She's gone."

For a moment, there was silence. Jacob stared at his friend, hearing only his pounding heart and those last words. 'She's gone.' He closed his eyes and breathed in deeply. When he opened them, they were bright with unshed tears. " Oh, God no. Not my Sammy, not my baby girl." Desolation cascaded over him as the tough soldier was defeated by the devastating blow.

" We can go to my office," General Hammond murmured softly, using his friend from the moist eyes of those who had witnessed the crumbling of Jacob Carter 's walls.

*~*~* "What is life? It is the flash of a firefly in the night. It is the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset." ~ Crowfoot, Blackfoot warrior and orator, 1890 *~*~*

Believing she was gone was made harder by the lack of a body. Jacob was in denial over his daughter's death and it only dawned on him that he would never see her smile again when he stumbled across Jack, sitting alone on the mountain's surface, looking every bit as though part of him had died.

Jack didn't look at him or acknowledge his presence in anyway so Jacob assumed the younger man was oblivious to his company - until he spoke up in a crushed voice, starling the older man and his symbiote. " The Asgard answered Daniel's attempt at calling them. They don't have her, they agree with everyone else that those native guys buried her." There was a pause as he swallowed the lump in his throat. " Or something."

The 'or something' was something that didn't bare thinking about. In the years since it had been up and running, the SGC had come across many different cultures, many which had different ways of honouring the dead. Some of them were easier to relate to than others. They had met more than one culture that ate their dead and others with similar traits that conjured up disturbing images to those who practised different beliefs.

Silence fell over the two men who had loved Sam the most. Jacob sat on a rock beside Jack and lowered his head. When it raised again, his eyes flashed and when he spoke, his voice was tinged with the slightly mechanic edge that belonged to Selmac. " Jacob is finding it difficult to accept what has happened. On behalf of the Tok'ra, please accept our sympathies for your loss. Samantha was so much a part of Jacob, it feels as though I, too, have lost a child." Jack stayed silent, a small nod the only sign that he was listening. " A memorial service is being planned. Attendants will be restricted to those amongst the Tau'ri with the appropriate authorisation. Jacob has not been able to bring himself to telling Samantha's friends and family who are not involved in the project. He is unable to think of an appropriate reason to explain her death."

" Guess death by telescope is still pretty rare for people to believe," Jack mumbled to himself. " Telling people she died on another planet fighting for Earth is a no-no."

Selmac continued as though he had never spoken. " She was loved by many and will be greatly missed."

Narrowing his eyes, Jack turned to him with a suspicious look on his face. Why are you telling me this?"

" Because you loved her more than most of them," it was Jacob speaking now, having regained enough control over his emotions to take back control of his body. " And I know Sammy loved you, too. Even if you were both unable to do anything about it."

" Regulations, ya gotta love them," Jack muttered sarcastically. He looked out into the distance, seemingly somewhere else, far away. " She knew I cared about her but I never told her I loved her. I never said those three words. It's too late now."

Jacob reached out to put a comforting hand on the Colonel's shoulder. " She knew, Jack. Deep down, she knew."

" Wish I could be so sure," Jack snorted. He sighed heavily. " What's the point?"

" What's the point of what?" Jacob frowned slightly, not liking the tone the younger man used. It was one of utter disenchantment, one of defeat. It sounded like Jack had given up already, like he'd lost everything all at once.

" Anything. Everything," Jack shrugged and stood. " What's the point of it all?"

He started walking away, pausing only slightly when Jacob called to him. The memorial service is tomorrow at 1300. The wake will be held in the commissary."

The small wave was the only indication Jack had heard. Jacob sighed heavily and looked down at his hands, blinking back tears. {He loved her, Jacob.} Selmac told him from within himself. {More than he realises.} Jacob shook his head. [I know. That's the problem. Not only have we lost my baby girl, we might lose him as well.] {He is strong, Jacob.} [But is he strong enough?]

A shiver swept over his body as a cool breeze blanketed over him. Even Selmac felt it. The strange thing was the trees and grass around him seemed undisturbed. Had Jacob not been engrossed in his thoughts and his inner conversation, he might have noticed that for just one fraction of a second, he and Selmac were not as alone as they thought.

*~*~* "May the road rise to meet you. May the wind always be at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face, the rains fall soft upon your fields and, until we meet again, may God hold you in the palm of his hand." ~ Irish Blessing. *~*~*

" When my wife died, I thought nothing could bring me out of the despair of losing her. Thankfully, I was wrong." Jacob stood at the makeshift podium on the ramp, addressing not only the officers assembled in the gateroom but also everyone on base, via the intercom. " Part of what made Sam special was her ability to reach out to people and help them through the hard times. If she was here now.. She'd be telling us all to help each other and most likely ordering us to remember the good times, even though some of us would outrank her." Jacob smiled tearfully. " I could go on for hours about my daughters good points, sharing with you my memories of her, telling you stories from her childhood that would have made her blush and threaten to kick my six from here to God knows where." Those in attendance laughed a little at the thought, knowing it was true. " But I'm not going to do that. Instead, I encourage you all to remember the times you shared with her, the laughter and the tears. And if anyone has a memory they'd like to share, feel free to come on up here and tell us about it, so we can treasure her memory and celebrate her life."

After Jacob stood down, General Hammond took his place. He praised her as a solider and as a scientist and ended on the note that she was the type of person everyone should aim to be like. He got a little choked up as he finished, as it sunk in that he would no longer see the joy play across her face as she discovered something new and he would never see the enthusiasm shine in her blue eyes as she animatedly explained it.

Daniel stood up next, with Teal'c at his side for support and so the Jaffa could add anything he forgot to say. " No one could find the words to describe who Sam was and how much she meant to us all individually. Believe me, I tried. Sam was an unique person. She was a combination of some of the best aspects of our nature. She was strong and courageous. She was loving and passionate about what she believed in, determined to do the right thing. Even if it could have got her into trouble for assaulting a superior officer." This got a smile, General Hammond in particular remembering how nervous the young woman had been at facing him once the men on base had 'awoken' from Hathor's spell. " She .. She never faltered in putting herself on the line to save someone else, even though she put herself at risk in doing so. I don't really know what else to say. Sam was like a sister to me, and one of my best friends. She was always there for me and I miss her already. Things aren't the same without her and although life moves on, we' ll never forget you, Sam."

Next up was Teal'c. He said few words but everyone knew that there was genuine affection and emotion behind them and that it took a lot for him to put his feelings on display. " Major Carter was a brave warrior, a compassionate woman and a generous friend. She affected the lives of all those who crossed her path and her absence with be felt amongst us all. Be at peace, my friend."

With tears running down their cheeks, Janet and her daughter, Cassandra, stood before everyone, standing where Daniel and Teal'c had stood. Janet spoke first, her voice shaking and her eyes brimming with tears. " Sam was an amazing person. The way she balanced her job and responsibilities is still something that seems unbelievable to me. And despite how busy she was kept, she always made time for her friends. She was my best friend, even though our friendship could get a little shaky when it was time for me to give her her shots." Smiles and some laughter followed. " But we were always there for each other. We got through some pretty hard times together and it helped me sleep at nights, knowing she was there if I needed her. Over the years, she has given me a lot and I feel privileged to have known her. Amongst the many things she has brought to my life, one of the most treasured gift she gave me is my daughter. I never found the words to tell her how grateful I was to her for that and I only hope that where she is now, she can see just how much it meant to me. Wherever she is now, I know she's smiling down on us, probably wishing we'd stop singing her praises because she found it difficult to accept praise on those too few occasions it was given to her. Sam, honey, I love you and I'll think of you always."

Turning to Cassandra, Janet hugged the little girl and stepped back, allowing her to take centre stage. Cassandra wiped at her eyes but the tears continued to fall as she addressed the listening crowd. " My name is Cassandra. If you don't know me, I'm the daughter Mom - Doctor Fraiser - was talking about. Sam saved me when my people were killed. She helped me adjust to life here and loved me and stayed with me when it was dangerous to. I always wanted to be like her and I still do. She was a.. a loving, wonderful person and I miss her lots." Cassandra's voice broke but she continued on, regardless of being blinded by her tears. " She was a good person and didn't deserve to die. She told me once that everyone has their time and purpose. She believed one of her reasons to live was to help my Mom and me find each other. I'm glad she did and I'm happy I got to know her. I feel lucky for having her in my life, for having her love me and for getting to love her back. I always will love you, Sam. And I know you're in heaven or some other nice place with your Mom and I hope you're happy. I love you."

If anyone had managed to stay dry-eyed up to this point in the ceremony, they were sniffing and crying with the others after Cassandra's tearful and heartfelt speech. Several others took their turns in talking about Sam. Major Ferretti, Major Anderson and Captain Middlemiss amongst them. Karen's speech also brought people to tears, as it was a little known fact just how close she was to Sam. Few people knew before the memorial service that they had been friends for over ten years and had served together in Iraq. Once she was finished, Karen stood by Janet and Cassandra, hugging them both, having become good friends with them through association. Major Anderson stood on Karen's other side, discreetly taking her hand and giving it a reassuring squeeze.

Only one person who was expected to volunteer was reluctant to do so. Jack stood beside his team mates, with General Hammond and Jacob on his other side. He stood upright, his eyes staring straight ahead, blinking back the tears that kept on coming. He almost lost his control as the official military section of the service was completed but held onto his composure using years of Air Force experience. As the wreath was sent through the stargate, Jacob motioned for him to join him at the podium. Shuffling his feet, Jack hesitated a moment before following and taking his place, deciding that he owed it to Sam to speak on her behalf.

" There isn't much left to say that hasn't already been covered. On the other hand, there is still so much about Major Carter, about Sam, that hasn' t been shared here today," Jack started clearly, his hands gripping the podium so tightly his knuckles turned white. " I didn't prepare a speech, I wasn't even planning on speaking. It's not because I don't care enough about her to make the effort, it's probably because I care too much. Samantha Carter was many things to many people. Daughter, friend, sister, aunt and a lot more. She was a brave soldier and proved herself to be as strong as anyone else regularly. She was a gifted scientist and often confused me as she spoke about her latest project. She was a warm woman, the type of friend everyone wants and few deserve. She is irreplaceable. She was a special women who was loved by many. She was the best second-in-command I could wish for and the best friend.." He hesitated and took a deep breath, a sob catching in his throat. " She was, simply, Sam, and that's how she would want to be remembered."

Smiling a small grateful smile, Jacob saluted Jack, who returned the salute and took his place beside his team. Jacob stared out over the sea of faces, many of them unfamiliar but all of them united by a common interest. " I would like to thank everyone for being here, and speaking on behalf of my daughter. I know Sam would have appreciated it. To end the service, I would like to play one of Sam's favourite songs, that I caught her singing along to more than once when I came to visit. She tried to live her life as full as she could and was an example for us all." He nodded to someone up in the control room and, almost immediately, the music began to play.

** I hope you never lose your sense of wonder You get your fill to eat But always keep that hunger May you never take one single breath for granted God forbid love ever leave you empty handed I hope you still feel small When you stand by the ocean Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens Promise me you'll give fate a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance I hope you dance I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance Never settle for the path of least resistance Living might mean taking chances But they're worth taking Lovin' might be a mistake But it's worth making Don't let some hell bent heart Leave you bitter When you come close to selling out Reconsider Give the heavens above More than just a passing glance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance I hope you dance (Time is a real and constant motion always) I hope you dance (Rolling us along) I hope you dance (Tell me who) I hope you dance (Wants to look back on their youth and wonder) I hope you dance (Where those years have gone)

I hope you still feel small When you stand by the ocean Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens Promise me you'll give fate a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

Dance I hope you dance I hope you dance (Time is a real and constant motion always) I hope you dance (Rolling us along) I hope you dance (Tell me who) (Wants to look back on their youth and wonder) I hope you dance (Where those years have gone)

(Tell me who) I hope you dance (Wants to look back on their youth and wonder) (Where those years have gone) **

Tears ran freely down faces, sobs were heard, muffled and otherwise, as the base mourned the loss of one of it's much loved officers. Jack managed to wait until the song was finished, before turning on his heal and walking out of the embarkation room, heading home where he could weep for her away from other's eyes.

*~*~* " The simple lack of her is more to me than others' presence." ~ Edward Thomas. *~*~*

He sat alone long into the night. Empty beer bottles were scattered around his chair on the roof of his house as he gazed longing at the photograph in his hand. It was a picture of Sam and himself, taken on a team trip out. They had taken Teal'c out for a picnic at the park once it was revealed their alien friend didn't know want one was. Daniel had been the photographer, catching Sam and Jack unaware as she sat smiling on the blanket, laughing over something that had happened on a recent mission. It was Jack's favourite photograph, mainly because Sam looked so beautiful in it. Her hair was slightly ruffled by the breeze, her eyes were bright, she was smiling that smile, *his* smile and her face was relaxed and content. She looked so young, so full of life, so vibrant.. And now she was gone.

The tears rolled down his cheeks unchecked. He could almost hear his heart break in two as he remembered all the things he loved about her, all the things he would never witness again. Her laughter, soft and sweet that never failed to warm him. The smile that she gave to only him when he told a joke for the sole purpose of seeing her smile. Her deep blue eyes that he often felt himself drown in as she patiently tried to explain something he either wouldn't understand or would pretend not to understand just so he had the excuse to ask her about it again. Her voice, when it was gentle and sweet or amused and playful or passionate and determined. It seemed to wrap around him, comforting him in the direst of situations.

" But where are you now, Sam? Why aren't you here with me?" Jack asked the blinking stars, not expecting an answer and not receiving one. He stood and stumbled into his house, carelessly bumping into things because of the tears in his eyes and alcohol in his blood.

Jack sat down on the couch, the photograph in one hand, and a bottle of beer in the other. He set the bottle down on the coffee table in front of him, picking up the object that he had placed there earlier.

The cool metal of the gun felt heavy in his hand. A river of tears fell from his eyes as he tenderly caressed Sam's face in the picture with his thumb. [Part of what made Sam special was her ability to reach out to people and help them through the hard times.] That single phrase from Jacob's speech came back to haunt him. " Where are you, Sam? Where are you now?" Jack whispered. He put the photograph down and cradled the gun in both of his hands.

Time slowed, almost to a halt.

Ironic. It was ironic. The same weapon that had been used in the death of his son, a weapon similar to the one Sam had been using as she breathed her last, and it was the weapon he was considering using against himself. It was cowardly, given that he was a solider who had witnessed many atrocities in his time in the Air Force, especially with black ops, but in his deepest thoughts, in his darkest hours, it seemed like the only option open to him.

Jack had been suicidal after his son had died. He had closed himself off to everyone and everything. The mission to Abydos has changed that slightly but once it was over, he went back into darkness. That changed when the SGC project was re-opened and Samantha Carter walked into his life and challenged him to an arm wrestle. Slowly but surely, her presence had banished the darkness, replacing it with light, restoring his faith in human beings and in himself. He could get through anything with Sam by his side.

But Sam was no longer there. She was dead, unable to help him get through the toughest challenge he'd faced since Charlie had died. If he was honest with himself, Jack couldn't see any reason to try. What was the point in 'getting through' his loss if Sam and the unspoken promise of a future with her once their fight was over was gone.

He took a deep, shaky breath, inhaling and exhaling slowly, picking up the gun. He passed it from one hand to the other, contemplating the relatively small and simply designed object that could be used for mass destruction. Slowly, he raised the gun to his face, the nozzle pointing between his eyes. Squeezing his eyes shut, his finger edged closer to the trigger. His hands shook as tears coursed out from beneath his eyelids. The distance between the trigger and his finger grew smaller and smaller. The tip of his finger came into contact with it and just as he was about to pull..

" NO! Jack, no!" At first he thought he was dreaming. He was startled enough to drop the gun, it fell to the floor with a loud thud that shattered the surreal atmosphere in the room and brought Jack back to reality with a thump. He blinked in disbelief, the familiar voice coming from one of the darkened corners of the room. " You can't do this, Colonel. Not because of me."

Squinting in the darkness, he saw the faint out-line of someone standing there. He frowned, desperately wanting to believe his mind when it shouted to him that it recognised the voice. " Who's there?"

Cautiously, in slow motion, the person stepped out of the darkness. Jack's breath caught in his throat as he stared unabashedly. Standing before him was a vision he never expected to see again. Crystal droplets wet her face as Samantha Carter, looking immaculate in spotless fatigues, stared back at him in shock at finally being heard as Jack O'Neill did something he had done only once before in his years on this Earth.

He fainted.

*~*~* " Where there is great love, there are always miracles." ~ Willa Cather. *~*~*

Dozens of elephants were having a party in his head, or at least, that's what it felt like. Groaning loudly, Jack groggily regained consciousness. He didn't dare open his eyes, his hangover bad enough without having to deal with more than one sensation at a time. If he moved so much as an inch either way, he was certain he would lose the contents of his stomach. If his team caught him in this state, they'd tease him relentlessly about being unable to hold his alcohol. Sam especially..

Sam. Memories cascaded over him like an ice-cold waterfall. Sam. She was why he had allowed himself to reach this state. Sobering up instantly, Jack squeezed his eyes shut even tighter, willing the haziness to go away and to wake up to hear it was all just one big nightmare.

Shards of recollection came back to him of the last few days, sharp in their assault on his brain, forcing him to confront them and accept them as being the truth. " Sam.." He murmured brokenly. " No, not my Sam." He remembered holding the gun, preparing to use it to end his misery and then hearing her voice and looking up to see her standing there. (Oh, man.) He thought to himself. (That was some hallucination.)

Groaning again, Jack brought a hand up to his closed eyes and rubbed them. He gingerly opened one eye and winced as the sunlight streamed in through the window. A small frown creased his brow as he realised he was lying on the couch and the gun was nowhere to be seen. (Must have fallen under something.) He told himself rationally. He carefully pushed himself up into a sitting position and moved so his feet were on the floor.

Jack was on the verge of dismissing his vision of Sam as being just that, an alcohol induced vision. He chided himself for letting it get to him and get in the way of what he'd planned to do. He wondered if he could go through with his decision now the alcohol was no longer dulling his senses. He slowly moved his head, looking around for the missing gun. He couldn't see it anywhere.

" If you think I'd just leave it lying round so you can try and kill yourself again, you need more help than I thought." The voice, again that of Sam floated over to him from seemingly all four corners of the room.

Jack swore and pinched his arm. Hard. He had to be dreaming, he had to be dreaming, he had to be.. " Ouch!"

The familiar giggle reached his ears but it sounded different somehow, tinged with sadness instead of delight. " You can't really be surprised it hurt, pinching yourself usually does."

" Sam?" One of his hands moved up to rest over his heart and he felt it thudding in his chest beneath his palm. He lowered himself down onto a sitting position on the couch.

" If I make myself visible, do you promise not to pass out on me again?" There was no humour in her voice, only concern and uncertainty. " You scared me before. I've never known Colonel O'Neill to faint and I didn't think I was that frightening. Though I suppose dead people usually are."

" I'm going crazy," Jack murmured to himself, burying his head in his hands. " Sam's dead. She's gone, she's not here."

" One right, two wrong," Sam answered softly. A breeze passed through the room and she appeared, standing this time in a long cream-coloured dress. I'm dead but I'm here. I thought this," she indicated to the dress when he looked up. " Might make it easier for you."

With wide eyes, Jack appraised her, taking in every detail. He reached a hand out to touch her face but drew back at the last moment, narrowing his eyes suspiciously and glaring at her. " You're not really here."

" Are you trying to insult me?" Sam rolled her eyes. " I'm here, just not in the way I used to be. I've been here all along but no one's been able to hear me until now, let alone see me."

" So.. what? You're a ghost?" He frowned at her, trying to decide whether she was really there or whether his brain was playing tricks on him.

Sam shrugged and sat gracefully on the couch beside him. " I guess I am a ghost. It's strange, I haven't really thought about it. I know it's not normal for someone to still linger behind like this, don't ask me *how* I know that, I just do." She gave him a tight smile, tears shining in her eyes. " I wasn't planning on letting anyone know because you guys need to get on with your lives without me. But I couldn't sit by and watch you.." Her voice faltered and lowered to a whisper. " I couldn't let you do that." Jack looked at her in silence, still frowning. " What? You want me to go away? I will if you promise not to shoot yourself.."

" I don't want you to go," he told her hurriedly.

" I have to sometime," she reminded him softly. " Why are you staring at me like that? You can't see through me or anything, can you?" She looked down at herself worriedly.

" No.. No.. I was wondering if.. if I could touch you," he admitted, flushing slightly.

She gave him one of her special, breathtaking smiles. " You can try, there's only one way to find out if you pass through me. I managed to move you gun so you should be able to if I concentrate."

With a shaking hand, Jack hesitantly reached out for her. Her eyes slid shut as his fingertips came into contact with her skin. She felt cold beneath Jack's hand as he cupped her cheek, his thumb tenderly stroking away her tears.

Sam opened her eyes at the motion, smiling weakly at him in attempt at reassuring him. " Ghosts can apparently cry, too, you know." She bit her lip as he moved in closer, his other hand lifting up to cup her whole face in both of his hands, holding her there gently. " Colonel.." He came closer still, a look of disbelieving amazement on his face. " Jack.." She felt his breath warm on her cheek as he continued to close the distance between them, inching towards her.

" Sam," he whispered softly. " You're here. You're really here." Before she could stop him, he diminished the space separating them and touched his lips to hers, seeking the intimate contact they had denied themselves in her lifetime.

It shocked Sam to find she responded wholeheartedly to the kiss, despite knowing it was wrong, allowing him to deepen it, surprised but revelling in the sensations that flowed through her being, even though technically, she had no physical body. When the situation sunk in - she was a ghost, making out with someone who was *very* much alive - she pulled away abruptly. " We can't do this, Colonel, I'm sorry."

The hurt expression Jack wore faded into one of sad understanding. " I'm sorry, too. I shouldn't have.."

" No," she cut him off with a finger across his lips. " You should have, it' s just.." She swallowed the lump that rose unexpectedly in her throat. " It' s just too late. I have to go again."

" Where to?" He asked curiously, his eyes hopeful. " If you can't.. 'move on ', why can't you stay?"

" Because you need to move on, Colonel. You all do. My being here, in spirit if not in body, would complicate it too much," she answered softly. " As to where I'll go.. that's classified. Need to know information."

He couldn't fight the small smile that tugged at the corners of his mouth. Don't you think you can call me Jack now.. Now that you're.."

" Dead," she finished bluntly. " You can say it. I've had time to almost get used to it."

" Just almost?" He questioned with a raised eyebrow.

Sam rolled her eyes. " I'm able to do pretty much what I used to be able to do. I can just.. do other stuff. I'm learning how to talk to people and be heard, how to feel things physically.. I never stopped feeling emotionally. And I'm pretty sure with more practise I can disappear and appear at will. It's kinda cool." She flashed him a wryly smile. " Maybe I could try my hand at haunting people. Everyone who's ever done anyone wrong in some way."

" Give Maybourne my regards if you see him," he joked lamely, his confused brain trying to catch up and make sense of it all. She was dead but 'alive' .. and she was going to leave him again. " Sam.. Can't you stay? Please?"

She shook her head and stood, looking apologetic. " It's not fair on you all, Jack. You need to start living without me."

" I don't know if I can. I don't know if I want to." Jack also got to his feet, moving to touch her again but his hand passed through her arm when he tried to. " What the..?"

" I can't let you talk me into staying," she explained softly. " You'll understand someday. And you can live without me, you did before we met."

" That was before I fell in love with you," he blurted out in protest of her dismissing his feelings. Seeing the look of shock and pain on her face made him instantly remorseful. " I.. I'm sorry, I.."

" I love you, too, Jack," she whispered brokenly, closing her eyes briefly to regain her resolve. " But our time has passed. My time has passed. I have to let you find someone else. Goodbye, Jack."

" There could never be anyone else," the words echoed around the lonely room. She was gone again, disappearing in a breeze. " Damnit," Jack muttered. He looked around before sitting back down and resting his head against the back of the couch. She was gone again but the memory of her lips against his warmed his heart and gave him hope. She had responded and told him she loved him, too. There was hope where there had been none. And he knew, there and then, touching his lips with his fingertips in the same place hers had been moments before, if she came back, he would never let her go.

*~*~* "It is said a ghost is a memory of a promise left unfulfilled. Of words left unspoken or a love that refuses to die." ~ Taken from the beginning of the X-Files story, Eyes of Texas, used without permission. Sorry. *~*~*

Days past and there was no sign of Sam returning to him. Jack began sinking back into the abyss of depression, his cynical voice taunting him, deceiving him into thinking it was just a dream born of longing and grief. He sat in the commissary in between mind-numbing hours of paperwork, oblivious to the conversation around him until a small hand tugged on his sleeve.

" Can I sit with you?" Cassandra asked with a tired expression. " Mom's busy with Uncle Daniel."

" Sure," Jack forced a smile for the young girl's sake. " What's Space Monkey got into this time?"

Cassandra smiled a weak smile. " He spilt some coffee over his hand. And on his notes."

" Bet that didn't go down well," he mused, shaking his head. " So what are you doing here when you should be at school?"

" Mom wants to keep an eye on me," she made a face. " She's worried because.. because.." Her voice trailed off on a sigh. " If I tell you, you' ll get upset and think I'm making it up."

Jack frowned. " Making what up, Sweetheart? You can tell me, I won't get upset."

" You will," she murmured sadly. " It's about Samantha."

As it usually did when Sam was mentioned, his pulse sped up a fraction and his attention was well and truly caught. " Sam? Cassie, you can tell me. I really want to know."

The girl regarded him carefully for a few moments in silence. Then finally, she spoke, keeping her eyes averted and locked on the tabletop. " I saw Sam. Mom says it was a dream but it wasn't. She was real." She looked up with tears in her eyes. " Do you believe me?"

He nodded slowly. " I believe you, Cassie. I.. I think I saw her, too."

Her eyes grew impossibly wide. " You did? Did she say goodbye and tell you you had to move on?"

" Yeah, she did." Jack nodded again. He stood and held his hand out for Cassandra to take. " Come on, lets go talk about this somewhere private."

The two left the commissary and settled comfortably in Jack's office. They spent half an hour exchanging details of their 'dream meetings' with Sam until Daniel knocked on the office door and poked his head round it.

" Hey, Cassie, there you are. I need to talk to you about something your Mom said. Jack, Teal'c said to say 'bye'. He's gone to visit his family, to try and find peace after.. you know." Daniel shifted uncomfortably as he shut the door behind him. The sympathetic glances and whispers in the direction of SG-1 were beginning to get to them all.

" Have you see Sam, too?" Cassandra demanded from her place on Jack's knee, almost before the archaeologist had finished speaking. " Have you?"

Daniel gave her a surprised look but nodded anyway. " Ah, yes. I.. That's what I wanted to talk to you about. I saw her yesterday.. She told me to take care of myself and everyone else and to not let Jack give up.. I thought I imagined it.."

" We did, too," Jack piped in, his brow creased. " Yesterday? That would mean she's still here.. Just not letting us see her.."

" Sam!" Cassandra called out suddenly. " Are you here?"

There was a pause in all conversation, the only sound in the room being their steady breathing. As they exchanged disappointed looks, a warm breeze carried a soft sigh to their ears. " I guess this means I'm busted." She appeared leaning against the door, clad in black jeans and a light-grey sweater. She gave them a small wave and an even smaller smile. " Hi there. You weren't supposed to piece it together."

" Why are you still here?" Jack asked softly. " You said you were leaving."

" I couldn't leave till I was certain you wouldn't do anything stupid." She gave him a pointed stare. " And to be honest, I have no where else to go. I' m only *here* talking to you to tell you to forget seeing me like this.. You need to let me go, guys."

" No!" Cassandra jumped off Jack's knee and ran to hug Sam tightly. " You can't go, I won't let you!"

Sam hugged the little girl close as she cast a pleading look at her two friends. " I have to, Cassie. But you're going to be okay, you guys will get through this without me."

" Actually.. I agree with Cassie. You should stay since you have nowhere else to go. Having you here with us as.. as a 'ghost' is better than not having you with us at all," Jack spoke up with a glance at Daniel, trying to make it three against one.

Daniel shuffled his feet, his hands in his pockets. " I don't know. It's kinda selfish. It can't be easy for Sam, being herself but not being herself. But on the other hand, this situation is unique. I mean, no one outside the mountain thinks you're dead."

" So you want me to pretend to be alive? You're nuts, Daniel. You all are. That's just too.. freaky." She shook her head. " I am dead. Get used to it. I might not be dead in the common sense but I am dead. I'm not the same person I was, either. I'm not even a person anymore!"

" Well, can we at least tell Janet and General Hammond you're still sort of with us?" Daniel asked hopefully, an idea forming as his eyes lit up for the first time in days - since her apparent 'death'.

" I can understand telling Janet but the General..?" Sam was about to say more but she heard Cassandra sniff. She tenderly stroked the young girl's hair as she clung to her, looking down. " Cassie, Sweetheart, please don't cry. It's okay, you're going to be okay."

Jack had picked up on the light in Daniel's eyes and felt something similar to hope bubble up inside him. " Danny? What are you thinking?"

The younger man gave him a small smile. " I think.. There might be a way we can get Sam back." He held up a hand to stop anyone from protesting or interrupting his train of thought. " From what Sam's said, she hasn't been given the choice to 'move on' as it were. If this happened to everyone when they died.. Well, you can imagine what it would be like. Maybe the natives on that planet didn't bury Sam or.. or anything like that. Maybe she's not really dead. If we go back and find her, we might be able to get help from someone - maybe the Nox - and reunite her body.. with her spirit."

" That's a nice thought Daniel but you can't exactly gate to P5x813 and just ask nicely for my body back.. If I remember right, they weren't the most welcoming race we've come across. They did kill me you know," Sam pointed out dryly. She remembered Cassandra was still in the room listening and decided to give the girl a reason to leave so her hopes weren't raised too high. " Cassie, why don't you go and ask your Mom to come in here? I guess I should try and say goodbye to her again."

" Promise you won't leave before I get back?" Cassandra looked up at her with big, trusting eyes and Sam felt herself nodding in reply.

" I promise." Cassandra smiled up at her and ran from the office. Sam took a deep breath and faced her friends with a thoughtful expression on her face. " Will one of you try and catch Janet if she faints on me?"

Daniel smiled slightly. " Sure. Hey, what did you mean by you should try and say goodbye again? Haven't you tried that already?"

" Yeah, but it didn't work," Sam sighed heavily. " For some reason, Janet couldn't see or hear me. Neither could my Dad. I've only been able to reach out to you three and Teal'c."

" You spoke to Teal'c? He never said anything," Jack arched an eyebrow. When'd you visit him?"

" Just before my Dad left. I was going to try and talk to my Dad but Teal'c was with him, saying some pretty nice stuff. Dad couldn't see me so I followed Teal'c to try and thank him for what he'd said. I was surprised when he talked back to me," she explained with a tender smile. " He can be really sweet, you know. He's not as tough as he looks so watch out for him for me."

" We will," Daniel answered, reaching out to give her hand a friendly, reassuring squeeze. " But hopefully you'll be able to do it yourself."

Sam gave him a one-shouldered shrug. " You really think there's a chance? That I'm not dead-*dead*?"

" Yes, I do." Daniel smiled sincerely. " I'll do some research, see if there 's any record of this happening before and if any known culture has been able to separate the body from the spirit. Then we'll go to Hammond and maybe get help from the Tok'ra or the Tollan in finding your body."

" But if it doesn't work, will you promise to get on with your lives. You can't put them on hold for me." She looked at them earnestly. " Promise?"

The two men looked at each other and then Daniel suddenly became interested in his shoes and Jack became interested in the clutter on his desk. Sam sighed heavily and moved to sit on the other chair as Daniel leaned against the wall. They might not have promised to let her go but they would have no choice if she just stopped giving in and appearing when they wanted her to.

" Cassandra, if there's something wrong, why don't you just tell me instead of.." Janet's voice cut into Sam's thoughts and the door opened. Sam stood, looking nervous. " Okay, Daniel, Colonel, what's going.." Janet's jaw dropped open as her eyes locked onto Sam. " I.. What.. Sam?"

" You can see me now?" Sam asked timidly. " I won't be talking to myself.. Well, everyone else since they're here.. But you can see and hear me?"

" Oh my God," Janet put a hand to her heart as the other went to her mouth as she gasped. " I don't.. This can't be happening."

Sam gave her a cautious smile. " Oh, it's happening. It's kinda difficult to take in, I know. I have a hard enough time accepting it as it is."

Janet's eyes were suspiciously bright as she took a step closer to her friend. The two women stood staring at each other shyly before closing the distance and hugging tightly. " Oh, God. Sam!" Janet's exclamation of shock was muffled in Sam's shoulder. " You're here.. but how?" She pulled back, fresh tears in her eyes as she looked back and fourth between everyone in the room. " How is this possible?"

" I have a theory on that," Daniel started but Sam cut him off with a small shake of her head.

" it's just a theory, let's not get our hopes up, okay?" She told him softly. Daniel nodded in understanding, giving her a confident smile. Sam smiled back weakly and bit her bottom lip. " So.. What happens now? As nice as this little reunion is, it's not getting us anywhere.."

" Danny goes to get started on his research," Jack decided. " I go see Hammond."

" You think you should tell him before having evidence of my research? If we have more evidence than just Sam, it's more likely he'll believe us and give us a go," Daniel suggested reasonably.

" I have to get back to the infirmary," Janet spoke up reluctantly, letting go of Sam completely. " And Cassie has some school work to be doing, she could keep Daniel company in his office."

Cassandra nodded enthusiastically, knowing she could talk Uncle Daniel into letting her help with the research if it meant finding what they needed quicker. " Sam needs to get some rest too."

Jack, Daniel and Janet exchanged puzzled looks as Sam gave Cassandra a grateful smile and eased herself down into the chair, feeling a little weak all of a sudden. She smiled slightly to reassure everyone. " I have to concentrate to be visible. It can be exhausting, Cassie's right. I should rest if I'm going to be visible for meeting General Hammond."

" You sleep?" Janet frowned slightly, her brain ticking to try and make sense of it.

" Not really," Sam explained with a shrug. " I just stop existing. It's hard to explain."

" So what's the longest you can stay visible?" Daniel's eyes shone with interest as his face instantly lost years gained after recent events.

Sam smiled affectionately at his child-like curiosity. " I haven't tested it. The longest I've stayed talking to anyone was the hour I spent with Cassie. But that was a few days ago, I seem to be able to spend more time being here with you guys the longer I'm living like this." She rolled her eyes. " I don't think that's a good thing." She looked down at her hands as something in the pit of her stomach stirred, just in time to see them flicker as though someone was playing with the light switch. " Hey." Her hands started disappearing and she raised her head to see the alarm in the faces of her friends. " Oh, don't worry. This has happened before," she lied convincingly, carefully avoiding their eyes. " I'll be back in a little while. Go do what you were gonna do." She faded from view before she had stopped talking, her voice lingering like a memory.

Her friends stared at the place she'd been only moments before, all feeling a little spooked by what they had just witnessed. Slowly, the filed out of the room, leaving Jack alone with the feeling something else was wrong. Something they weren't even aware of.

*~*~* "Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist." ~ Epicurus *~*~*

Unlike the other times she had disappeared, Sam failed to find peace in ceasing to exist. Instead of disappearing of her own will, she had felt herself vanish bit by bit and had been unable to stop it. When she was no longer in the office with her friends on Earth, she had expected to just stop being. She didn't, though. Not this time, although she would have preferred that to the alternative.

Stifling a groan, it took her a moment to realise she was in a lot of pain, most of it centred in the region of her stomach although every limb ached and protested at the mere thought of movement. Gingerly, she lifted her heavy head and was startled to find she was in her body - actually *in* her *physical* body. Sam winced as she looked around, tremors of pain shooting through her body, travelling along every nerve.

Wherever she was, it was dark and damp and something smelt stale. The air was heavy in her lungs and she had the distinct impression it was her uniform that contributed to the smell, as she looked down to find it covered in dry, crusty blood, dirt and sweat.

The only warning she had of company coming her way was the icy wind that covered her, blowing dirt into her face and sending shivers through her body. It was then she looked up to see she was in some sort of hut and was definitely no longer alone.

Hushed voices murmuring in some strange language came closer. She lay still, trying to keep her breathing low and discreet, pretending to be unconscious. Out of the corner of her eye, she recognised her new 'friends' as being the same people who had ambushed her team and injured - *killed* - her the first time around. They had the same coloured streaks on their faces, clothes made of animal skins and the same manic glint in their eyes.

One of them poked her already tender stomach with something sharp, stirring up memories of a previous injury in the most hurtful way. Sam ground her teeth together to keep from crying out. She bit the inside of her mouth as her eyes stung behind their closed lids, the ominous feeling of fresh and warm blood trickling slowly across her stomach and down her sides flooding her with terror.

As if sensing this, the natives laughed evilly and shouted something she didn't understand, making those outside cheer. One of the natives grinned down at her, his teeth glinting in the moonlight that streamed in from the open door, and moments later his foot landed hard in her stomach.

She couldn't fight the cry that escaped her lips, much to the pleasure of her captives. She squeezed her eyes shut tightly as they took turns in beating her, the blood steadily streaming from her various wounds as she felt her strength ooze out with it. Sam almost sighed with relief as the laughter and pain grew distant, numbness settling over her weary body as silence came to her ears. Silence's friend, darkness, soon came alone to envelope her in it's familiar embrace, taking her to a safe place where no one could hurt her.

*~*~* "The truth is more important than the facts." ~ Frank Lloyd Wright *~*~*

Back at the SGC, the briefing with General Hammond had already begun by the time Sam eventually 'arrived'. She waited, watching without being seen, until Jack voiced his concern at her absence.

" So you're telling me you've all seen and spoken to Major Carter.. and you don't expect me to go immediately to Doctor McKenzie?" General Hammond looked sceptically from one face to the next. " I can't authorise your return to P5X813 without any concrete evidence."

" If Sam was here, you would believe us," Jack murmured, his voice concerned. " She should have been here by now. You think something's happened?"

" I'm here." Sam appeared on a breeze, wearing her uniform this time, looking pale but presentable. One of her hands rested over her stomach, the pain from the earlier assault on her being lingering on. She stood behind the empty chair at the table, looking uncertain, wrestling with herself to come to a decision once and for all about her future. " General Hammond, I know this is hard to understand or believe but what you've heard and what you're seeing is true." She waited until he nodded slowly before continuing. " I've been back to PX813 since last talking with everyone and I can assure you I'm not completely dead yet. However, the natives of the planet are extremely violent and I don't see any chance of them agreeing to a peaceful solution and just returning my body. If you can't spare more than just SG-1, I wouldn't suggest any of you try to gate back there."

" Sam.." Daniel frowned and voiced the question on everyone's mind. " What are you saying? We're talking about saving your life.."

" At the cost of your own," Sam retorted a little sharply. She softened her voice when she spoke again. " I woke up in my own body, Daniel, in a hut. I was there. If SG-1 goes alone, it'll be a suicide mission. They will out number you easily and kill you before you can even start looking for me." She looked down at the hand that rested on the top of the chair. " To be honest, I'm not even sure it's worth risking even if you had every SG-team at your disposal. I might be clinging onto this.. this life.. but I won't be able to keep doing it. Not for much longer."

Silence greeted her statement. Her words sunk in and tears shone in the eyes of most, if not all, of the room's occupants. General Hammond broke it by standing and walking slowly to where Sam stood. " Major, if you are not dead, then how can you be in two places at once?"

" I don't know, Sir," she answered truthfully. " I don't really know if I'm dead or not at the moment. It's confusing. They might have some sort of ceremony that can induce this state, between life and death, whatever it is. Or I might be dead and they know how to revive me when they want to.. When they decide to have some fun." She finished quietly, refusing to meet anyone 's gaze. " I think.." Her voice caught on a sob and she paused to take a deep breath before trying again. " I think it might be best if we say goodbye now. I can't let anyone in this room die because of me."

" We've talked about this.. Sam, you said you'd stay until we'd ran out of options and we haven't ran out of them yet!" Jack slammed his hands down on the table in frustration, making both Daniel and Janet jump simultaneously. " The Sam we know would not give up that easily."

" And that's the whole problem right there." Sam lifted her head and stared at him unblinkingly. " I am not the person you want or need me to be. I can' t be the perfect soldier of the scientist who can fix all of your problems. I am a *ghost*, I'm stuck here while those *things* do God alone knows what to *my* body over and over again and you still expect me to be strong and pretend everything's right with the world! I can't do that, I can't.." She took a deep breath and closed her eyes when tears threatened once again. " I can't pretend I'm not scared. And I can't pretend a large portion of that fear isn't for you, for all of you. You can't save me, but there is still a chance I can save you." Sam bit her lip and let her concentration slip just a little so she was no longer 'solid' and no one could try and stop her from leaving. " General, I'm sorry for wasting your time. Guys, I'm sorry for appearing in the first place, it was a mistake. Janet, please tell Cassie I love her.. and that I said goodbye."

" Sam.. No!" Jack's protests fell on thin air. In the blink of an eye, she was gone and it was as though she had never been there. " Damnit! General, please! You heard what she said.."

" I heard her say going back to P5X813 would be dangerous, yes," General Hammond nodded. " But I also heard her say we don't have much time. Colonel, assemble all available SG-teams and have them been in the gateroom in one hour."

" Yes, Sir! Jack grinned and snapped off a salute.

" Dismissed." The General watched them all leave and sat down in his chair at the head of the table He felt the hairs on the back stand up on end. That was quite a display, Major."

" I'm sorry, Sir, but I meant every word of it. You can't send them back the planet," Sam told him softly. " The natives might not be very technologically advanced but they are very cunning and there are a lot of them."

" SG-1 will have the back-up they need, you don't have to worry about them," General Hammond responded. He waited until she had taken her seat before saying anymore. "We both know they would go through with this with or without my permission. They all took your death hard, Colonel O'Neill in particular."

" I know, I made it harder on them by showing up like this," Sam nodded. It was a mistake I regret."

" You shouldn't," the General objected. " You saved Colonel O'Neill from himself."

Sam blinked twice. " How did you..?"

" I know Jack quite well," he replied thoughtfully. " I know, unofficially of course, that he loves you. Jacob and I were both worried we'd lose him, too."

" My father.. Sir?" Sam looked at him a little worriedly. " Nothing happened between myself and Colonel O'Neill. Our relationship is.. was.. strictly professional."

To her surprise, General Hammond chuckled warmly although his expression - and voice, was tinged with regret. " *That* I am aware of. It speaks wonders for your restraint and dedication to putting your duties and your country first.."

" Why do I sense a 'but' coming up? You've got the same look my father gets when he wants to say something but doesn't quite know how." She raised an eyebrow and waited expectantly.

" Both your father and I understand the Air Force can expect too much from it's officers," General Hammond sighed heavily. " Between you and me, the SGC regulation manual is due to be revised at the end of the month at the urge of the President himself. He mentioned the fraternization regulation to me personally in regards to a certain command team of a certain SG-team."

Sam sighed in frustration. " Couldn't that have happened last month? And is there anyone on base who isn't speculating on my relationship with Colonel O 'Neill or lack of relationship with him?" She sighed again, only this time a small smile played on her lips. " It's good news for Ka.. Oh, someone else I know, though." A light blush stained her cheeks as he looked at her in amusement.

" Captain Karen Middlemiss and Major Christopher Anderson, yes. I'm aware of more than everyone gives me credit for." He gave her a small grin. " They are the joint second most popular would-be couple on base according to the grapevine. Tied with Doctors Jackson and Fraiser." He grinned again at Sam's attempt at not smiling but the grin faded as the first most popular couple came to mind, a couple which was missing one of its members. " But SG-1 and the SGC would not be the same without you. You and Colonel O'Neill are the couple everyone looks to. Your relationship is the type of relationship everyone wants to find, even though nothing has happened between the two of you. It's quite obvious you're devoted to one another, even the President has commented on it." He paused to watch her blush. " We will not rest until you're back with us, Major. We need you, *Jack* needs you."

" Thank you, Sir." Sam wiped her damp cheek. " But if you can't save me.. Don't let Col.. Jack.. give up. He has so much to give and you all need him here a lot more than he realises."

" I promise," General Hammond vowed solemnly, taking her small and cold hand in his. " I promise I will do everything I can to stop him from embarking on a mission to self-destruct." Sam smiled a watery smile of thanks and disappeared before his eyes. He looked down at his empty hand. " But he loves and needs you a lot more than you can know. I hope his friends and the SGC will be enough to save him, Sam. But that's usually your role."

*~*~* "The optimist sees opportunity in every danger; the pessimist sees danger in every opportunity." ~ Winston Churchill. *~*~*

Less than an hour later, SG-teams 1,4,7 and 10 were in the gateroom, all except SG-1 and Captain Middlemiss, who had been caught up by Janet and unofficially by Sam as to what was going on, were wondering why they had all been summoned. Even Teal'c was there, having been summoned by his team mates and hurriedly briefed as they had suited up. Everyone jumped to attention when the blast doors opened and General Hammond walked in.

" At ease," he ordered, coming to a stop in front of them. " I know many of you are wondering why you're here. It's simple, one of our own has been left behind and it's up to us to get her back. We have reason to believe Major Carter may either be alive or can be saved by one of our allies." He looked from one shocked but hopeful face to another. " This mission will be extremely dangerous and those you come up against are particularly brutal. I 'm not going to order you to go on this mission. I know most of you have families and I will not send you into such a dangerous situation if you do not want to be there." He paused to nod at someone in the control room. The stargate behind him engaged and the M.A.L.P slowly began its ascent up the ramp after the seventh chevron locked and the wormhole had been established. " As soon as we receive pictures from the M.A.L.P, you have a go. All of those who wish to join SG-1 on this mission, take one step for--" Together, all but one or two people stepped forward. General Hammond smiled warmly, pride written over his face as he nodded.

" Sir.." The technician's voice flooded the room. " We are receiving M.A.L.P transmission from the planet.. Ah, Sir? We have a problem.." General Hammond stared up at the technician as Jack and Daniel raced to the control room. He wasn't kept waiting long for an answer. As Jack swore in the background, Daniel pushed the button and spoke into the microphone.

" General, it seems we've been beaten to it. There is evidence of a recent Goa'uld attack on P5X813.." Daniel stopped speaking as Jack murmured something to him and then turned his attention back to those down below in the gateroom. " Ah, Sir. Jack's right, the Goa'uld presence might be a welcome distraction. There are no signs of any Jaffa near the gate so they might have left or they might be keeping those native-guys busy."

Barely a minute passed before Jack re-entered the room with Daniel following on his heels. " Sir, permission to go through the stargate?"

" Would it make a difference if I said 'no'?" General Hammond asked, fighting to keep the knowing sigh back. He held up his hand to stop the no-doubt sarcastic response. " SG-1, you have a go. Anyone who cares to join you may go ahead. Bring Major Carter home."

Grinning, Jack, Daniel and Teal'c led their team up the ramp, followed closely by Captain Middlemiss and the rest of her team, with everyone else behind them. General Hammond waited until the last soldier was through the event horizon before retiring to his office where he would sit and wait and hope SG-1 would come back the complete unit and whole people they had been before they had ever stepped foot on P5X813.

*~*~* " Don't look back -- something might be gaining on you." ~ Satchel Paige. *~*~*

All was silent on the other side of the wormhole. There was no birdsong, no angry shouts, no weapons fire.. Nothing. It was calm and quiet. Too quiet. There were footprints on the ground belonging to both Jaffa and the planet's natives.

" Move out," Jack ordered. " Keep in your teams and keep in radio contact. Any sign of Sam or the Goa'uld or a welcoming party, radio in for back-up. No one is to go up against them alone. Is that understood?"

A chorus of 'Yes, Sirs' met his order and the individual teams split up and went in different directions. SG-1 headed straight for the place they had last seen their team mate, encountering more than a few lifeless bodies on the way, some of whom were natives and one or two who were Jaffa. Jack found himself hoping the battle was over and the Goa'uld were gone. It was going to be hard enough finding Sam and fighting through the dense forest without having the added distraction of tackling the enemy as well.

" Daniel, any idea which direction this hut Sam mentioned is in?" Jack asked suddenly, keeping his voice low, his eyes following all and any movement around them.

Daniel allowed himself a small smile. " You know, you keep calling her Sam. What happened to 'Major' or 'Carter'?" The smile faded - slightly - at the annoyed expression shot in his direction. " Sam never told me anything else. You were there, you should know. And if she had said something to Janet when she went to give her a message to pass on to Cassie, Janet would have told us."

Jack gave him a sidelong glance. " Since when has it been Janet and not 'Doctor Fraiser' or 'Doc'?"

The young archaeologist blushed as Teal'c, walking behind his two companions, always on guard, smiled a small smile at the topic of conversation.

Elsewhere, on the planet, SG-7 walked in silence. Karen walked behind her team, her mind determined not to leave the planet until she knew what had happened to her friend. She was so engrossed in her thoughts that she didn't realise Major Anderson had fallen into step beside her until he called her name softly.

" Captain? Capt.. Karen? Hey Karen!" He grinned boyishly when she looked at him startled, his chocolate eyes dancing merrily. He ran a hand through his slightly greying hair, looking at her in concern. " You okay?"

" I'm fine, Sir.. Chris," she amended, blushing slightly at his grin at her mistake. It had been after Sam's memorial service that he had told her to call him Chris. Life was too short for formalities, he'd said, and Sam had agreed during one of her 'secret visits'. " I just want to find Sam and get off this planet."

" We all do." He put a hand on her arm. " And we will."

" Thank you," Karen smiled up at him softly, innocently unaware of the effect it had on him. " I appreciate everything you've done, Chris. I couldn 't have got through this without you." She covered his hand with hers for a brief moment and cast him a sweet smile. She then picked up the pace and walked on in front of him, leaving him watching after her with all the longing and love shining clearing in his eyes. Now if only she would turn back and look..

*~*~* " Can you not find the right words to say; that maybe I'm getting in your way." ~ Gabrielle, 'Should I Stay'. *~*~*

The minutes passed and turned into hours and there was still no sign of any Jaffa or natives - at least no alive ones - and, more importantly, no sign at all of Sam. All four SG-teams assembled at a clearing in the middle of the forest, all exhausted, rapidly losing their hope with every passing second.

" I guess the good news is we've come across no resistance," Chris spoke up with a sigh, sitting close to Karen, offering her his silent support.

" But the bad news is we've seen no sign of Sam," Daniel added, his frustration evident in his expression and tone.

" That's because I'm no longer here," a quiet voice from behind them spoke up. They all turned to see Sam in her fatigues, a few of them looking shocked but most having heard of her appearances. " Well, I'm here but my body isn't. Someone's moved it or.." She grimaced. " I'll leave the 'or' up to your imaginations. The hut is just through the next patch of forest, in that direction." She pointed somewhere north-west of where they were. There's a village. Everyone in it is dead, unless some Goa'uld survived and took them back as hosts or slaves." Her eyes filled with tears as she thought of the dead children she had passed but she blinked them away hurriedly, hoping no one had seen them. " You should go back and tell them."

" Not without you," Jack retorted firmly, his eyes locked on her as he made his way to the front of the group. The others discreetly cleared a path and moved out of earshot, all except those closest to Sam. " We're going to find a way to get you back, Sam. If you were really gone, you wouldn't be here. Stay with us until we do that. Stay with me. Please?"

" I don't know." She bit her lip. Hard. " It's not healthy, Jack. And it's not fair. If we can't solve this thing, whatever it is.. I can't do that to you."

" Do what?" He took a step closer to her, his eyes never leaving hers. Sam, please. I'm asking you.. Stay."

She took a step back as he continued advancing towards her. " I can't hold you back. I won't stay and keep you tied to the past. I won't be that selfish, Jack."

He didn't answer her, not with words. Before she realised what he was planning, he lengthened his stride and was right there in front of her, invading her personal space. His arms went around her waist, relief passing over his face when he realised he could actually *hold* her and he drew her towards him. His lips sought and found hers, eyes closing as they kissed tenderly, savouring the sensations that washed over them. They were oblivious to the smiles and whispers and to the fact that they even had an audience.

When they parted, Jack held on tightly, clinging to his lifeline, afraid to let her go in case she was taken from him again. He rested his forehead against hers and looked down, surprised to see her cheeks were wet. He pulled her even tighter against him, and she buried her face into his neck, inhaling the scent registered in her mind as being 'Jack'.

" It's going to be okay, Angel. We're going to make things right, I promise," he murmured lovingly, fully intending on keeping the promise - for both of their sakes. Sam nodded against him although she knew it wasn't likely. Still, it was a comforting thought.

The teams headed in the direction of the village and found what Sam had told them they would. In the hut she had been held captive in, Jack was angered to find blood. A lot of it. His hands tightened into fists and he clenched his jaw, narrowing his eyes as he surveyed the room. He surely would have hit something and injured himself if Sam hadn't appeared to lead him from the place her nightmares had become realities.

They all walked back to the Stargate, lost in their thoughts. Jack walked behind everyone else with Sam, clutching her hand tightly, smiling to himself when Chris kept moving his hand to the small of Karen's back. He looked to the woman walking beside him and the smile left his face. She looked distant, deep in thought, and from the slight furrowing of her brow and troubled blue eyes, they couldn't be good thoughts.

*~*~* " If a relationship is to evolve, it must go through a series of endings." ~ Lisa Moriyama *~*~*

One by one, they stepped through the event horizon and gated home to tell General Hammond the not-so-good news. Jack was the last person through and it surprised and disappointed everyone to see he was alone. He cast a look over his shoulder as the wormhole disengaged. Sam had told him she needed some time but had promised to come back *to him* and he believed her. Really. He did.

Sam watched them leave, and sat down on the stone steps leading up to the stargate, hugging her knees close to her chest. She wasn't cold and she wasn 't hot - unless she wanted to be. It was something else she had learned to perfect. She could change her 'body's' temperature depending on what she was wearing and where she was which could be pretty useful in certain circumstances. //Could have used it in Antarctica,// she thought with a wryly smile.

Sighing deeply, she rested her chin on her knees. What had she done? And what was she going to do now? She had been so determined not to go back, not to let anyone talk her into staying. Her rational mind told her it was selfish, that she should stay as far away as possible and out of sight so they could move on and start adjusting to life without her.

Her heart, however, sought comfort and reassurance. Her traitorous 'body', whether it was truly there in the physical sense or just in spirit, just wanted to be with Jack. *She* wanted to be near him, to feel safe in his arms and share with him the things they'd never shared before but always wanted to. How could they be court-martialled if she was gone.

She couldn't keep changing her mind. She couldn't keep confusing them. Hell, she couldn't keep confusing herself. She had to decide, one way or another. She had to commit herself to either staying or going. Living a limited life with those she loved or letting go so they could move on without her holding them back.

Tears stung her eyes and she sobbed, yearning for release, relieved at the solitude of the now deathly still planet. Sam had never been so confused, she had never felt so afraid of making the wrong decision. She had never felt so completely and utterly lost, nor had she felt so alone.

Her thoughts turned to Jack, the centre of her dilemma. She had a fair idea of the pain he would go through if she didn't go back - she had gone through it herself when he was feared dead but thankfully for her, he had always come back - but would he really go through more pain that what she would inflict on him by choosing to stay? She loved him and he loved her, she knew that. But was love enough?

Did they have a future if she stayed? What sort of future would it be? What sort of life? She knew Jack was a family man at heart and that was something she couldn't give him. Not as she was. Ghosts couldn't have children as far as she was aware.

And she was a ghost. Maybe not in the usual sense of the word, if there was a usual sense of the word. She was a ghost, the essence of someone that lingered on after death with no place to go. She had made an effort to always use the term - purposely - in all of her conversations with people, trying to keep distance between herself and her friends. Just in case. It hadn't worked, either. If anything, she was closer to Jack now than she had ever been before. There were no regulations keeping them apart. She shook her head, willing the mystifying thoughts away, trying to come to a decision and find the courage within herself to stick to it.

The sharp pain caught her off-guard. She clutched her heart, eyes wide with terror, not knowing what was happening. It came again, only this time in her stomach, so intent it left her breathless - and paralysed. The pain soon spread throughout her body, pounding in her head. Then it stopped hurting. Every inch of her tingled and hummed. Her vision blurred and she started fading, ever so slowly, blissfully unaware of where she'd 'wake up' next.

*~*~* " The heart is a place of great power and magic, but is also our greatest weakness." ~ MK, a much loved and missed friend. *~*~*

Jack. She concentrated all of her energy on Jack and suddenly found herself where he was. Discomfort and awkwardness washed over her as Sam found herself stood in his bedroom, with the man himself lying only a few feet away. She hadn't been in here before, she felt like she was invading his privacy, an uninvited guest in his intimate domain.

" Sam?" His voice was made husky by the remnants of sleep he couldn't shake. He blinked slowly, reminding her a little of an owl, and reached a hand out for her. " I knew you'd come back," he murmured sleeping, giving her a tired but smug smile.

" Bet you find the women can't stay away," she joked lightly, covering her nerves and the disturbing images and memories still fresh in her mind with humour, a trick she'd picked up from Jack O'Neill himself.

" Come 'ere," he mumbled, still holding his hand out for her. Smiling shyly, she walked towards him and took it, their fingers entwining instantly. He eyed her jeans and sweater. " You got something more comfy to sleep in or.." He grinned as her clothes changed to a vest-top and shorts almost instantly. " Cool!" He tugged on her hand. " Come on."

" Jack, I don't.." She bit her lip nervously, holding back.

" I just want to hold you, Sam," he reassured her softly. " I promise I won' t try anything." He leered at her but somehow, with sleep in his eyes, it didn't quite work. " Not unless you ask nicely."

Sam blushed a little at the innuendo, wondering faintly if he could be court-martialled for sleeping in the same bed as someone who used to be his junior officer. She eased herself onto the bed when he pulled back the covers and lay down beside him. She was suddenly surrounded completely by Jack - his scent, his warmth, his arms and his love. He embraced her completely and for the first time in too long, she felt entirely safe.

" This is nice," he mumbled into the back of her neck as he spooned up around her, echoing her thoughts. " Do you actually sleep? Or do you just.."

" I don't need sleep but I can sleep," she murmured. " You, on the other hand, do need it and I know you haven't been able to sleep properly in a while so close your eyes."

His only answer was to kiss the back of her neck softly and bury his face into her neck and hair. It wasn't long before she felt his grip loosen and his breathing deepen steadily. His breath was warm and comforting against her skin and she once again revelled in the fact she could *feel* physical sensations as well as the emotional ones. Closing her eyes, she sighed, and allowed herself to melt against him.

Lingering in his arms as the sun began to rise, Sam turned to face him when she was certain the movement wouldn't wake him. His face was so relaxed, so innocent in sleep, he looked almost boyish. She gently traced the line of his jaw with her fingertips, moving along to his mouth, tracing the outline of his lips. They twitched slightly beneath her touch and she leaned in on impulse to kiss them softly. She pulled away with a smile to find him grinning slightly in his sleep. Leaning in again, she pressed her lips to his forehead and then dropped a butterfly kiss to the tip of his nose. She pulled away only to place her hands either side of his face and close the distance between them to kiss him sweetly. She was determined that he would have some good memories of her to keep when she was gone. It was easier to get over the pain of losing someone when you had a treasured memory to cling to. She wouldn't have been able to move on after her mother's death without a lot of memories of their 'special' time spent alone, together.

Just as she was about to pull away again, one of Jack's hands moved from the small of her back to thread his fingers in her hair, keeping her still as he kissed her thoroughly. Giving her a grin that could only be called 'dopey', he allowed her to pull away so he could catch his breath, noting in some part of his mind the need for air was no longer a problem for her. " That's quite a way to wake up."

" A good way?" She asked with a shy smile as he leaned in again to kiss her languidly.

" Oh, yeah." He grinned playfully. " But you shouldn't start something unless you plan to finish it. No one likes a tease."

" Who said anything about not finishing it?" She gave him a wicked smile and moved closer, kissing him eagerly as he turned them so she was lying on her back. She was determined. Before the day had even properly begun, she would give him something to remember her by, some special memories he could hold close to his heart until they met again or until he found someone new. As much as the latter thought pained her now as she lay in his arms, Sam found it strangely more comforting than the former. A life of loneliness was something she had inflicted on herself after the death of her mother and a series of bad relationships and she wouldn't wish it on anyone else. Especially not Jack, who she knew had so much love to give.

When he next woke up, he found he was alone. The bed beside him was empty but had obviously been slept in. He allowed himself a small grin before getting out of bed and pulling on his bathrobe. " Sam? Where are you?" On his way out of the bedroom, he passed the dresser and saw several envelopes, sealed with different names on them in Sam's familiar handwriting.

Thinking nothing of it - or wanting to think it was nothing - Jack walked through the house looking for her. Eventually, just as it was getting to the point where he couldn't quell his panic, he found her standing on the roof in one of his dress shirts that was far too big for her but which looked right somehow. She didn't turn as he walked out to join her but she knew he was there. " You know," she spoke softly as soon as his arms went around her. " I never really appreciated how lucky I was. How I had so much when so many people had nothing. I didn't realise what an incredible gift it is just to be able to witness this."

" Witness what?" He murmured distractedly, occupied in his task of kissing the revealed skin of her neck and revealing more of it to his touch.

She motioned to everything in front of them - the trees, the sky, the sun, the birds, the house across the street, the young boy delivering the morning paper on his bike.. She sighed and a distant look appeared in her eyes. Everything. Nature.. life.. Things and people living and just *existing* with one another."

He stopped his assault on her neck, the wistful tone making him pay attention to her words. " That isn't every scientific of you, Sam. What's going on?"

She turned around in his embrace and he was alarmed to see her eyes bright with tears. " There are so many things we take for granted.." She started trying to put her jumbled thoughts into words but was cut off by the pain that sliced through her. She doubled over in agony as Jack worriedly held her tight. " Jack.." She gasped, her eyes wide. " Please.. I need.. I.."

" What? What do you need? Sam?" He could do nothing but watch as she vanished before his eyes. The contented feeling he had woken up with disappeared with her, replaced by an icy fear that clasped his heart in its vice-like grasp.

*~*~* " There's a silence that I don't want to hear. There's a hole now where my heart used to be. They say that healing comes in time but I don't know what that means." ~ Lee Ann Womack, ' I Know Why The River Runs'. *~*~*

" Nice of you to join us, my love." The voice alone was enough to disgust her. Sam groggily fought the darkness and opened her eyes to find Apophis leering down on her from outside the sarcophagus. " Maybe this time you will be more forth-coming with the information we require."

//Oh, God. Not again.// The thought swept through her mind as she bit back a whimper. //God, no. Someone help me.// It was a horrible feeling, being brought back from the dead only to be tortured to death again. A continuous cycle that was wearing her resistance down - which was exactly what Apophis had planned. She didn't know what she dreaded more, being tortured over and over again or the thought that when he tired of it, she would be made into a host and used to torture her friends. Not just any Goa'uld either, *his* Queen.

She fought back the thoughts of what would be the outcome were that to happen, of how she could possibly become the tool used to bring the SGC - and Jack - come tumbling down. She wouldn't let that happen. She wasn't how she'd stop it but she would find a way. She *had* to.

Roughly, Sam was pulled from the sarcophagus and dragged by two Jaffa to a room she remembered. To her surprise, they left her alone after ensuring she couldn't attempt an escape, chaining her to one of the walls at the far end of the room. Her relief, if she felt any, was short-lived. No sooner has she let her shoulders slump at the apparent respite, the heavy doors swung open. Apophis himself stepped in alone, wearing an evil grin, a chain-like whip in one had and a memory device in the other.

" We can do this the hard way or the easy way." His eyes glowed - and not just with the presence of the Goa'uld, but with delighted enthusiasm. Neither will be pleasurable. *For you*."

A short time later, her bravado had been worn down. Cries and screams could be heard throughout the palace, echoing down the corridors and hallways, making all those in hearing distance who were capable of compassion wince in sympathy. The nightmare was far from over. But for Sam, the ending had finally begun.

*~*~* " Everybody's got something; they had to leave behind. One regret from yesterday; that just seems to grow with time." ~ S Club 7, 'Never Had A Dream Come True.' *~*~*

Once again, SG-1 plus extras were assembled in the briefing room of the SGC. Sitting in front of them all were almost identical envelopes. Jack had grabbed them from the dresser without a second thought but after explaining Sam's most recent disappearance, they all found themselves reluctant to open them.

Sam had been watching them, sitting cross-legged on the table, unseen, just watching. She had only been there for half an hour but hadn't revealed her presence to them. She was waiting. She didn't know what for but she sensed something was different. She *knew* something was different this time. She didn't know how or why but she knew it was important, whatever *it* was.

" They don't want to let you go, darling." For some reason, although she wasn't expecting it, the voice that was still burned into her memory even after years of absence in her life did not startle her. She looked up, her eyes meeting the identical ones belonging to Megan Hope Carter. Her mother. Megan smiled sadly at her baby girl, wondering how cruel fate was to do this to her. " They love you."

" I know. I love them, too," Sam murmured. She closed her eyes and pictured herself standing next to her mother. Opening them again, she found herself there. " I'm getting the hang of that," she smiled slightly. " This is the first time you've been here, isn't it?"

Megan shook her head. " I've been trying to be with you since you passed on. Something stopped me. I've been watching over you but this is the first time we've been able to meet." Her eyes shone with tears as she looked at her daughter with pride on her face. " I've missed you, Angel."

" I've missed you, too, Mom." Sam gave her a watery smile, walking into her mother's embrace. " So much." She pulled away a little. " I'm glad to see you but.. why are you here now?"

Her mother took her hand and squeezed it lovingly. " I'm here to help you move on, Samantha. If you want to, of course."

" You mean I can move on now?" Sam bit her bottom lip and looked at Megan quizzically. " There is such a thing?"

" Yes, my darling. It's time," Megan answered softly. " You haven't been ready to leave until now. There is no delicate way to put this but you have never been truly dead before. Now you are. You will, however, if you chose to stay here, be revived by that *creature* in time." The disgust Megan felt was palatable. " But you are able to leave this world now and *he* will be unable to inflict anymore pain on you."

Sam was silent for a few seconds as she tried to take it all in, as she tried to make sense of it. " So.. Ok. You're saying I've only been.. half-dead.. all those other times. That's why we couldn't talk. But now I'm *dead* dead. *Really* dead. Apophis must have killed me completely which means it should take him longer to bring me round, even using the sarcophagus. And in that time, I can.. 'move on' so he can't bring me back again? How does that work?"

" I can't explain it in scientific terms," Megan smiled fondly. " It's a leap of faith. You just let go of this life completely and they can't bring you back. No one can. Ever. The down side is that it means you cannot talk to your friends, they won't be able to hear or see you."

" Then were do I go? Where have you been all these years?" Sam frowned slightly, deep in thought. " Do I just.. stop thinking and feeling?"

" No, Angel." Megan shook her head. " I can't say anymore. I wish.. You will be safe, that I can promise you. You will still feel and think but you will exist on another level. As for me.. I've been with you, Samantha. I've been here." She laughed softly at the expression on her daughter's face. " I haven't been spying, I promise. I've been looking out for you, or trying to. I've just been with you. Watching my daughter grow up into the beautiful woman standing before me. Wishing I could be there for you to turn to and to love you and wishing there was some way I could let you know how proud I am of you and how much I love you." The first few tears ran down Megan's cheeks, as her daughter's own eyes welled up. The two women embraced again. " I love you, Samantha. I couldn't leave you. I could never leave my baby girl."

" Oh, Mom." Sam wept on her mother's shoulder. " I love you so much.. but how can I leave them? I know it's the best thing for all of us but it's so hard."

" It always is, baby," Megan murmured tenderly. " But you're not alone. And if you chose to stay, I'll understand. It will be as hard for you to leave your Colonel as it was for me to leave your father."

" If you didn't have me or Mark, would you have moved on or stayed for Dad?" Sam asked hesitantly, unsure if she even wanted the answer.

Megan smiled softly. " I can't answer that because I did have you. I loved your father, I still do. And I love your brother but you.. You've always been special, Samantha. To everyone who knows you."

" Mom.." Sam blushed and rolled her eyes. She looked to her friends, to Jack, and then back to her mother, torn between them. //Don't.. You can't make this about them,// she told herself firmly. //I *can't* chose between them.// She watched Jack finger the envelope with his name on it and bit her lip.

" Go to them. Go to *him*," her mother urged. Sam turned to face her, confusion written in the depths of her eyes. " You need to decide. You need to say goodbye if you're leaving and get their help if you're staying. Go on, Angel."

" How do I find you again?" Sam asked as her mother started to fade. " Don't leave me, Mom. Please.."

" Just call for me and I'll be here," Megan whispered as she disappeared completely.

Alone, Sam looked at her friends for a few moments, unsure of what to say or do. She had to make the right decision. For them all. There would be no time for regrets or for changing her mind. It had to be the right choice the first time round. And the dull ache in her chest made her realise what her decision had to be.

*~*~* " Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadow." ~ Helen Keller *~*~*

Dear Jack,

This has to be one of the hardest letters I've ever had to write - including those I've just finished to everyone else, my father and Cassandra among them. I started writing to you before I even thought about writing to anyone else but the words refused to come. Much like they are now but I've written everyone else's letters and have no excuse not to write yours.

I'm pretty sure you know that this is a goodbye letter so I won't insult your intelligence by stating that and by droning on about how sorry I am and how I wish it could all be different. I'm sure you're probably wishing the same thing. That, and trying to understand why I'm doing this.

There are so many things I want to explain. So many things I want to be able to say to you - both in person and on paper - but it's so hard, Jack. Especially when you're sleeping just across the room. You can't know how tempting it is to get back into your bed, let you wrap yourself around me and stay there. Almost too tempting, I promise.

My reason's for going aren't simple, nor are they ones I can let you know. Please just trust me one last time when I say you don't want to know. By leaving, I hope to save us both - everyone - a lot of heartache. I know that by going I'll be causing some but I truly believe, in my heart, that it's not as much. It is going to be painful, though, but losing someone you love always is. And I do love you, and I'm losing you, too.

I seem to be doing what I said I wasn't going to do. Guess my mind is still in that happy place where you are, nothing really makes sense. Well, almost nothing.

Once I'm gone, don't forget I love. Just because I'm not going to be here telling you every hour or so, it doesn't mean it's not true. It doesn't mean I don't love you. *Never* believe that. Despite that, or because of it, I don't want to be the reason you spend your days and your nights alone. You deserve to find someone new, someone who can and will love you as much as I do. And if you let yourself, you can love them back. I know you can. You have so much to give, Jack. You've given me so much, and any woman would be lucky to feel like I do about you.

I think I'm going to stop writing now. I could ramble on for hours about how much I love you and what I love about you - your eyes, your smile and your jokes being just a few of the things - and how much I have always respected and admired you as a fellow officer. I have to say though, you are the best CO I've ever had - not to mention the best looking.. Enough of that - you can read my journal if you need your ego boosting. And yes, I have told Janet she has permission to give it to you.

Time wasn't on our side, Jack. To be honest, I don't think it ever has been. It's always been one thing after another but I can assure you, we will have a time and a place someday. I don't know how I can be so sure but I am. Go figure. What we have shared, though, has been so special, and has given me some precious memories to treasure and take with me wherever I go from here.

I love you, Jack O'Neill. I can't stress that enough. Remember it, remember me and remember us, but don't let the memories hold you back.

Always Yours, Sam.

PS. Always look to the future and hope, don't dwell in the past but remember to live in the present. My mother used to say that to me as a child and now I say it to you, having finally grasped what it means.

Take care of yourself and everyone else, Love forever, Sam.

*~*~* " The way to love anything is to realise that it might be lost." ~ G.K. Chesterton *~*~*

" Jack, you're crazy. Nuts. Completely wacko, to use a phrase of your own!" Sam's voice rang out, echoing in the quiet room. She had told him she was leaving, made him read the letter, but left out the reason why. It was talking every shred of strength she had not to crumble and give in.

Only one thing more surprising that her passionate outburst - given that he *was* supposed to be her Commanding Officer - was Jack's own softly spoken and quiet reply. " No, I'm not."

" Yes, you are! More so than usual!" Sam argued heatedly.

" How?" His eyes snapped up to lock onto hers, complacent brown meeting heated but teary blue. " How am I crazy, Sam?"

Her voice lowered and softened to match his but the tone she used was still determined and more than just a little bit sarcastic. " Gee, I don't know. Maybe because you want to marry a *ghost*?"

There was a moment of silence, as Jack looked away, his gaze travelling to the floor before moving up to their entwined fingers. He held her cold hands within his own, trying to warm them without much success. Sam felt an icy tear run down her pale cheek before willing it away. She looked at him with a pained expression and prayed he'd understand her answer. It hurt her so much to be hurting him in this way but it was for the best. It had to be.

" I'm asking you to marry me, Sam," Jack answered in a soft, almost pleading tone when he eventually spoke. He raised his eyes to hers. " Are you saying no?"

Tears kept welling in Sam's eyes and despite her attempts at keeping them at bay, one crept down her cheek in defiance. " I'm sorry, Jack," was all she could say before he stood and walked away. " I love you," she whispered to the air where he'd sat. " But I can't do that to you. It's not fair."

Blinking back tears of their own, Janet and Daniel watched their sobbing friend from their discreet position in the doorway as she slowly faded into nothingness before their eyes. They traded devastated looks with heavy hearts that were sinking quickly. Their last reason to give Sam to stay had failed, dying along side their hope. There was nothing else they could do; the decision was Sam's and Sam's alone.

*~*~* " The heart has it's reasons, which reason knows nothing of." ~ Blaise Pascal. *~*~*

Another day of mourning had arrived. Stricken, those closest to Sam left the base to grieve in peace but somehow ended up regrouped at Hack's house to give one another their support and a shoulder to cry on. Even Jacob Carter had travelled back to Earth, receiving their message too late to spend anytime with his daughter on Earth though she had spent an hour or so with him the current Tok'ra home world, even if Anise had tried to convince him it had been a dream brought on by grief. Selmac had taken his side and evidence had come in the form of the letter he found waiting for him.

Now they were there, together, at the urging of Sam herself, who hadn't wanted Jack to be alone She had gained a 'promise' from General Hammond as well as Daniel and Teal'c that they would not let him give up.

" I don't understand," Jack murmured after a long pause. He picked at the label on the bottle of beer. " How could she just *leave*? Why the Hell couldn't she stay?" No one could answer his question. No one knew how frustrating it had been for her, how much it had hurt to reach her decision and chose to leave.

" It couldn't have been easy for her, Jack," Daniel sighed heavily. " I mean, can you imagine it? Being you but not being 'normal'? Having only half the life you're used to being free to live?"

" Sam had a hard time coming to terms with being different after Jolinar," Janet chimed in. " This couldn't have been an easy decision to make. If she could have come back alive, she would have done."

Jack snorted slightly. " She still could," he argued. " We still haven't her body."

" Maybe Sam didn't want you to," Cassandra murmured softly, sitting on the grass facing the others but staring up at something behind them. " Maybe she 's scared or wants to be somewhere else."

" What do you mean, Sweetheart?" Jacob leaned forward in his chair, speaking for the first time since arriving at Jack's house and saying yes to accept a beer. " Why would Sam be scared?"

Cassandra shifted, a little uncomfortable now she had everyone's undivided attention but her gaze was still locked on something up over their heads. When she answered, her tone was distracted. " Someone nasty might have her. Or she might have the chance to be with someone else now. Someone she lost."

General Hammond was the first to let his curiosity get the better of him. He turned to see what had enraptured the child in front of him so much and his jaw dropped open. Wondering what was wrong, the others slowly turned. Jacob was on his feet in an instant, followed by Jack and the two men made their way to the ladder. As the information was slowly absorbed into their brains, the others followed.

" Sam!" Jack called out as soon as he stood on the roof.

" Megan! Sam!" Jacob gasped, his heart pounding overtime as he stared at his wife and his daughter, knowing he was about to lose them both and hating himself for being unable to prevent it. " Oh my God."

" Jacob," Megan nodded in acknowledgement and smiled shyly, giving her daughter's hand a light squeeze. " You look well, my love. The years have been kind."

" Likewise," Jacob stuttered. " Wow, Meg.. You've come to take Sam? How can you do that? She's your daughter!"

" Her place is no longer here," Megan told him gently. " Samantha has chosen to move on and I will go with her. She will be safe, Jack. I would never her anything hurt her, you know that."

Jacob nodded slowly. " I know but.. She's still needed here."

" Maybe." Megan smiled a secretive smile, her tone mysterious. " Fate is a strange thing, but it knows what it's doing."

" I hate to interrupt," Jack interrupted sounding anything but contrite. But what the Hell is going on here?"

" We're crossing over," Sam answered before her mother could. Tears shone in her eyes even as she saw the small beam of white light at her side grow. This is goodbye."

" For real?" Jack raised an eyebrow. " Because you've said that before but you keep turning up again.."

Sam gave him a watery smile. " I know and I'm sorry. You have every right to be angry with me. But this is it."

" Once Samantha steps into the light, there will be no way she can chose to return," Megan added calmly. She turned to her daughter and touched her cheek, tenderly wiping away the tears. " You understand that, don't you?" Sam nodded, closing her eyes briefly. " Then it's time."

Even as she listened to her mother's words, Sam felt the beginnings of live seep into her veins. She winced in pain and clasped her mother's hand even tighter. " Mom, I need.."

Megan nodded. " I know, my darling. It'll be over soon, I promise." She addressed their audience. " We much leave now before he can hurt her again. Jake.." Her voice trailed off as she reached her other hand out to touch her husband's cheek. " I love you, Sweetheart. Take care of Mark and let Selmac take care of you."

" Sel.. How..?" Jacob let the questions die on his lips as his wife let go of their daughter so she could kiss him softly. Kiss him goodbye, ceasing the chance to do something they had been able to have all those years ago. I love you, Meg. Always."

She nodded and smiled lovingly and took her place by her daughter. Sam reached for her mother's hand as another wave of pain swept over her. Her eyes shone with tears and fear and love as she gazed at her friends, silently bidding them a final goodbye that somehow they sensed and returned.

" Goodbye.. I love you." The last words of Samantha Carter were carried on a breeze as she stepped into the pool of bright light only she and her mother could see. Her friends felt her loss immediately, more deeply that they had done before. It was over. She was gone, and they knew it. They knew she couldn't chose to come back to them, it was over.

*~*~* " Why does my heart go on beating, why do these eyes of mine cry, don't they know, it's the end of the world, it ended when you said goodbye." ~ The Carpenters, 'End of the World'. *~*~*

News spread like wildfire throughout the SGC. No one could believe that it was over; that the roller coaster they had been riding had come to such an abrupt halt. One moment there was a chance Sam would come back to them, the next she was gone. Fate was being particularly cruel, tormenting them with hope only to snatch it away again.

After a few days away, Jack returned to the SGC a shadow of his former self. It was worrying, and disturbing, to see a man who was such a strong and courageous soldier and leader on a mission to self-destruct. He was broken, and the only thing that could fix it was an impossible dream. A fantasy that would never become a reality.

He had confined himself in his office under the pretence of doing paperwork. A self-imposed isolation. Alone, the pain of losing her was magnified. He felt her absence more keenly. He sat at his desk and stared at the photograph on his desk. The tears had given way to nothingness. He felt numb. After days of mourning, he could no longer cry or shout. He was no longer angry at the universe for taking her, no longer angry with her for leaving or with himself for not stopping her. He wasn't even sad; he was just shut-off from the outside world, oblivious to everything. Everything but the pain.

He was incomplete, without *her*, and it was obvious to all who were able to catch a glimpse of him on the few occasions he left his self-inflicted prison. When Samantha Carter had died, something inside Jack O'Neill, the part that made him human, had died with her.

Nothing could shake him from his oblivious state. No one could save him from slipping further down into the pit of despair. Even the blaring of the klaxons, which were loud enough to wake anyone sleeping on base never mind those that were just sitting and doing nothing, failed to rouse him. Jack stayed in his chair, in the darkness and the gloom, staring unseeingly at the image forever imprinted onto his memory.

It was only when someone pounded on his door that he was pulled from his reverie. He prowled across the floor of his office to the door. " What do you want?" was his half-grumbled, half-snarled greeting as he undid the lock and swung the door open with restrained violence, a menacing glare fixed on his face.

Teal'c stood, unfazed by the anger aimed at him, on the other side of the door, his expression giving nothing away. " Your presence is required in the infirmary." There was a beat. " The body of Major Carter has been returned to us."

No further explanation was needed. The two men raced to the infirmary, sparing no thought or pity for anyone who got in their way, even if it was an accident. Daniel and General Hammond arrived at the same time as them. Jack strode into the room to find Janet leaning over Sam's limp body, with Jacob and someone else deep in conversation at one side. Jacob looked up from his conversation with the Colonel entered the room.

" Jack.. This is Kalevi of the Tok'ra," Jacob nodded a greeting and introduced the man standing at his side. " He's been working undercover, keeping the Tok'ra up-to-date on Apophis and his plans. Sam was there, he brought her home."

Jack nodded and walked over to Sam's bed. She looked peaceful, as though she were sleeping; there were no signs of any bruising or injury. No visible ones, anyway. " But it's too late, isn't it?"

" Colonel O'Neill," Kalevi spoke up, his voice human and sympathetic. " I regret that we were unable to bring her to you sooner. Apophis assigned a dozen guards to watch over her when she was in the sarcophagus so no one could learn of her identity. We were told she was to be his new Queen but that was it. Until the sarcophagus failed to revive her again and orders were given to take the body and destroy it."

" Bet old snake-eyes wasn't too happy with that." Jack grimaced. He reached out and put a palm against her cheek. It was ice-cold beneath his touch but still soft, unusually so.

" He was frustrated when the sarcophagus failed to work," Kalevi continued. " He kept trying until today.. which is why she has been well-preserved."

" Preserved," Jack muttered. " She's a person, not a piece of fruit." He took in her appearance, saw that she was dressed in the gold and cream robes usually reserved for Goa'uld Queens and felt his stomach churn. " He wanted to make her a host?"

It was Jacob who answered. " Apophis tortured her to death many times but she wouldn't give him the information he wanted. His plan was to make her his Queen after extracting the information from her but when it failed, he planned to take what he wanted when she could no longer fight him."

" So she was never actually blended?" Relief was written on Jack's face. He remembered how hard it had been on her when she was taken over by Jolinar and she had been a Tok'ra. A Goa'uld would have caused her more agony and pain. " She never had to live as a host?"

" He planned to watch her fight the symbiote as it took over," Kalevi admitted. " She would not regain consciousness so the Goa'uld would have been rejected and he would not have been able to watch her struggle. The symbiote was given to another."

There was a moment of silence. " He tortured her, didn't he? Made her nightmares come true till she couldn't take it anymore?" Jack swallowed the lump in his throat, anger threatening to well up but he fought it down and stored it away. Saving it for the next time he came to face to face with Apophis. " I guess this means it's official. Sam's.. Sam's dead. You can have that funeral now, Jacob. And let her family and friends know."

" I don't want to do that anymore than you do, Jack, but it's time to let her go." Jacob took a step towards the younger man, knowing all about the aching inside he must be feeling. " We need to let them say goodbye."

" Even though you've yet to say it yourself?" Megan smiled sweetly as everyone in the