"Always 2" By Aftyn Victoria

Title: Always 2

Author: Aftyn Victoria

Status: Complete

Category: UST S/J, Angst (maybe)

Spoilers: none

Rating: PG

Content Warnings: none

Summary: The new member witnesses a chat Jack has with someone in power, and no, not General Hammond.

Disclaimer: Stargate Sg-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for amusement only and I didn't get any money for it. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. The song doesn't belong to me! It belongs to Jim Brickman, and Pam Tillis... Or something like that..

Feedback: Yes please. And Alli, I decided to put the bowling idea off for now, figured this was easier... And it might not be good since it's about 430 am now. :)

What We Believe In Jim Brickman sung by Pam Tillis

Funny, just the other day
I was walking down the street
Stopped into that place, you know
The one where we used to meet
Thought I heard you call my name
In a whisper on the wind
Then I remember you were gone
And never coming back again

But if love is what we believe in
I see you in heaven's first bright star
If seeing is believing
I look into the sky
And there you are
You're not that far
Cause love is what we believe in

Looking through some photographs
Of not so long ago
Right now I'd give anything
If I had only known
I would never touch you
Hold you
Or kiss your face
Feel your arms around me
Or fall in your embrace

But if love is what we believe in
I see you in heaven's first bright star
If seeing is believing
I look into the sky
And there you are
You're not that far
Cause love is what we believe in

Now love will break your heart
When you say goodbye
But love is worth the pain
And all the tears you cry
And if seeing is believing

I look into the sky
And there you are
You're not that far
Cause love is what we believe in
And you are in my heart
And our love is what
I believe in

Never again will I even *try* to fit in with the other members of SG-1. Never. It's been a little over a month since I was placed on the team. Not as a member really, just an outsider placed there to make it a whole team. An outsider. And that's what I'll stay. Last night Daniel, Colonel O'Neill, Teal'c and Dr. Fraiser went to a little bar in town, and Daniel invited me to come along. I know it's because he sees how O'Neill treats me, and he feels guilty for his friend's actions. He wants to rectify them, but he can't.

I will wholeheartedly accept Daniel's friendship, trust and camaraderie, but he can't make up for what I don't have from my CO. If you're going to serve with someone in the field, in a very odd and dangerous field at that, then you want to know that they trust you watching their back. And that you can trust them to watch yours. I don't feel that with him, and that scares me.

So I went, hoping to gain a little trust, or maybe even a few *kind* words from O'Neill. Didn't happen. Daniel was a complete gentleman all night, Janet and Teal'c were polite, but O'Neill was a bit detached. And he won't ever call me anything besides Captain Ford, whereas Daniel has started to call me Kristine or Kris, and Teal'c calls me Captain Ford, but he does that whole name thing with everyone, so I don't feel bad about that.

I could swear that when Daniel calls me Kris, it makes O'Neill a little perturbed. It's the fact that Samantha had become Sam, and I, Kristine, am becoming Kris. Why won't he just accept my presence? I understand that he lost someone he deeply cared for, but you can't ignore and mistreat the living when something like that happens! Thus far I've kept my patience with him, I've ignored the snide remarks and harsh gazes, but soon, I may just have to start fighting back. He's not the only one that can hurt a person with words.

If only I could bring her back, and then I could transfer to another SG team, and he could be happy. And I could be happy. We could all be freaking happy.. But that's not going to happen, so I might as well go and get ready for our mission. We leave in about an hour, and after I get changed, I'd like to make a quick stop in one of the labs. My soil samples should be ready by now.

When I turn the corner and just about step into the locker room, I stop dead in my tracks. What else could I do. Colonel O'Neill is sitting on one of the benches looking through the contents of a cigar box or something. He's not crying, but there's a sort of negative energy around him, a melancholy aura--if you believe in that kind of stuff.

I back up a little, and move to the side a bit, but I can't take my eyes off of him. He's holding a picture, I just wish I could see what it's of. From here, all I can see are several figures, maybe a group shot. Maybe SG-1, or maybe the family he had lost long ago.

"Charlie, you gotta take care of Sam for me. She's something special, just like you. And I can't do it from all the way down here, so you have to watch over her..."

His voice is low, and if I wasn't looking at him, I'd say that he was crying. But I am, and he's not. He inhales deeply, as if trying to push back those non-existent tears. He rubs the bridge of his nose, and then kicks the locker in front of him, the noise makes me jump a little.

"First Charlie, and now Sam? I'm starting to think you don't like me, God. She was... She was *perfect*, and you had to take her away from me. What'd I do that I deserve this? I'm doing good things, I've saved the world a few times now, doesn't that warrant some happiness?"

He paused, puts the picture back in the box, and sets it on the bench beside him.

"Guess not. And if you just *had* to take Sam, why'd you decide to torture me more by putting Captain Ford on the team? The woman is so much like Sam, but at the same time, she's not. She's quieter, and she doesn't laugh at my jokes. Couldn't you have at least gotten someone with a sense of humor?"

I have a sense of humor! I don't laugh because I'm afraid he'll then yell at me or something if I do, plus, not too many of his jokes are very funny. Especially when they come at the *most* inappropriate of times. And how am I like her, but not at the same time? He probably means that I'm a female military scientist, but I don't act like *her*. That's because I'm not her, I'm Captain Kristine Ford, and I don't plan on changing.

"Danny thinks I'm being unfair, God, am I being unfair? I think you're the unfair one, but that's okay because you have all that almighty power, and I have... I have quite a bit of power over the lieutenants. I just wish I could've had a *little* more time with her, if not the rest of my life. God, she was someone I could've been happy with, and look what you did, you screwed it up again--no offense. If only I had been there to stop it from happening."

He still blames himself. No matter how many times Dr. Fraiser, Daniel and Teal'c tell him differently, he still blames himself. I even tried to talk to him about it once on a mission when everyone else was asleep, but he cut me off and said, 'You don't understand, captain, so don't try'. Did he ever think that maybe I *do* understand. That maybe I've lost loved ones, too?

He puts the box back in his locker, and slams it shut.

"God, not to be disrespectful, but if you ever decide to take Cassie, a word of advice, *don't*. I will *not* let it happen. I think she's going to grow up to be a lot like Sam, smart, pretty, funny, and all that other good stuff. So how about you just let her live, okay? Alrighty then, I just spent about five minutes talking to God, and I doubt he was listening, and I think I may be losing my mind."

I dash around the corner, because I really don't want my CO thinking that I'm stalking him or something. He exits the locker room, flipping the sign to female time, and not noticing me. Thank God.

When I step into the locker room, a thought crosses my mind. That picture. I'm not normally this nosy, but I really want to know who, or what, that picture was of. My eyes creep over to his locker, and sure enough, there's no lock. This is almost too tempting. I really shouldn't look at his personal things. It's wrong. Very wrong.

I want to know.

I open his locker, and remove the small box, careful not to disturb anything. When I open it, I realize that this must be his treasure chest of sorts. He's got little trinkets and pictures scattered through it. The first two pictures catch my eyes.

The first is of a young boy, and I'm guessing that that's the child he lost.. I turn it over, and sure enough, 'Charlie's first little league game, June '93' is scrawled on the back of it in handwriting that I don't recognize to be his. It must be his former wife's.

The second picture really catches my attention. It looks like a candid shot.. Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter are playing with a girl that I recognize to be Cassandra, in the park. All three are smiling, and I must admit that Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter would've looked splendid together. On the far right, there's a bit of Teal'c's hat and elbow showing, so my guess is that Daniel took the picture when no one was looking.

Looking at this picture, I realize that he must've been attracted to her for some time, maybe even since they met. She was definitely an attractive woman, and from what I hear, her personality was great. She was intelligent, strong, genuinely kind. He would've been a lucky guy. Would've been, had a shot not been fired. Had a friend been there to lay down cover. Had a mission been canceled. Had a sick day been used.

There are so many possible ways that that day could've gone different. But it didn't. The sick day wasn't used, the mission wasn't canceled, the friend wasn't there in time, and the shot had most certainly been fired. And Sam Carter's dead.

I replace the pictures, and then put the box back. My curiosity is satisfied, and now I'd better get ready for the mission.

I think I may be able to have a little more patience with Colonel O'Neill. Maybe. Although, if he tells me that I don't understand again, then I'm going to let him have it. And if he doesn't let up on me, and realize that I'm here to stay, I may have to 'discuss' some things with him. Acceptance is the first step to healing, or at least that's what they say, whoever 'they' are..

He'll just have to accept that she's always going to be gone, no matter how hard he wishes differently. Always.

the end