TITLE: Love Hurts

AUTHOR: Bianca Ziller

EMAIL: Scullybz@aol.com

SPOILERS: The Entity, Windows of Opportunities, Divide and Conquer, In the Line of Duty

RATING: PG

ARCHIVE: Wherever you want, but tell me. THX.

EPISODE BASED: Missing ''scene'' of THE ENTITY

SUMMARY: Jack's thoughts before/after he shoots Sam twice with a zat gun.

DISCLAIMER: Stargate Sg-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. * * *

There she stands right in front of me wearing nothing more than her pajamas. Her arms put up the way priests do in church. Flashes of lightening make a connection of her and...well whatever. I watch this whole scenario with horror. Just what exactly is happening?! Why is IT, this damned thing that took control over Sam, doing this anyway? I told it to leave her otherwise we would destroy its homeworld. Well, maybe that wasn't such a great idea.

The others have arrived. I can't turn to look at them. I'm much too horrified but I guess they stare just like I do at what's happening in front of us. Teal'c is next to me. ‚I believe the alien is attempting to return to the mainframe' Oh shit, he's right. I've got to stop it. I put up the zat gun and fire and... nothing happens. What the hell?! These zat guns bring even me to my knees... She lifts her head and her blue eyes look at me. They are so cold, so resolute, so wonderful. She's looking straight into my eyes... oh boy. ,It's not really her' I tell myself. It's only the alien. But she's still within there... somewhere. She's looking at me, too. But her looks are not as cold as the ones of the entity. She's afraid. I know it. I almost feel it. It's not the first time this is happening. It's not the first time she has to share her body with aliens. It's not the first time I look at one of my best friends and see an enemy. Oh God, please help me. Don't make me shoot again... please.

The world has come to a hold. Seconds seem like hours. I feel the anxious looks of the others. Everybody saw me shoot her once, everybody knows that the next shot will kill her. Everybody knows that it's my decision, that I'm the one who's supposed to kill her... that it's my JOB to kill her. And everybody knows how I feel about her. Even General Hammond does. Well not officially of course. And actually there isn't even something inofficially. But anyway he told me...'I know Major Carter means a great deal to ya...' Yeah with that he's right. And wrong. So damn wrong. He thinks he knows what it feels like. But he doesn't. He knows nothing. Nobody knows what it means to love somebody you're not allowed to love. Nobody knows what it means to love somebody who works with you. Somebody you're not even allowed to look at because your glances could betray you.

‚We may have to make some difficult choices' General Hammond had said. This is not a difficult choice. A difficult choice would be whether or not and more important how to escape from a gould ship... This is about killing HER. There IS no choice. Why does this damn alien NOT stop? Suddenly I'm aware that I'm standing and staring like an idiot. How long have I been thinking? I gotta do something. Before it's too late. Now. I close my eyes, take one deep breath, the last one I'll ever take if I really kill her. I look up and our eyes meet once again. I force myself to keep my head up. If there was anything else I could do. Anything. But there's nothing. I have to, no other way, no chance. Forgive me, Samantha... I realize my hand is lifting. No... I'm aiming. No... Stopping. No. No. No. FIRE. Noooooooooooooooooooooooo.

>>Love hurts.
Love stars.
Love wounds and more.
Any hopes not though,
strong enough.
Take a lot of pain,
take a lot of pain.
Love is like a cloud of it who is a lot of rain.
Love hurts.
Love hurts.<< Ã Cher

I shot her. I really shot her. This is not true. I see her falling as if in slow motion. No. She's lying on the floor... not moving. Just lying there as if she were... dead. Oh my God. I sprint towards her and come to a hold right in front to her. I can't do anything, can't get down to check if she's still alive. I'm too afraid of the answer. Doc Fraiser also started to run with me, she's next to me. Looking down at Sam, then up at me. Shocked. Really shocked. Accusing. Not believing. God, what did I do? And why doesn't she do anything?

Seems like she had the same idea. She gets down on her knees, checks Sam's pulse. She exhales hard, lips pressed to a thin bloodless line, then rolls Sam on her back. EMTs and nurses run towards us, I guess Janet already called them before all this happened. I watch how they lift Sam up on the bed. They start to work frantically on her and push me away. Take her to the infirmary, leave me behind with my thoughts and pain. I shot her. I shot her. If she dies, I'll blame myself for the rest of my life. Then I have not only killed my own son but also the woman I love. Yeah great, life couldn't be better. Daniel stands a couple of feet away from me and observes me. Bet he blames me, too. I don't wanna talk to him, want to get away from all the people. As I walk past him, he lays a hand on my shoulder, not saying anything. I notice it, but don't stop, gotta make my way to the infirmary. Hope the general doesn't want to talk to me right now, I think I would shoot him, too. It's not his fault, of course. It's no one's fault. Except me. It's my fault. I SHOT HER! I look down at my hand, I still carry the zat gun, automatically I open my hand and throw it away.

As I enter the infirmary Janet looks up and walks slowly over to where I stand. Sam is lying in a bed. Machines and tubes everywhere. Doesn't look good. Looks terrible, still I can't turn my eyes away from it. Janet stands beside me now, following my eyes and nodding. ‚'Doesn't look good' she says. ‚There's nothing we could do.' Her voice isn't more than a whisper. ‚May I...' I neither finish the sentence nor wait for an answer, but start to walk towards Sam's bed. I take a chair and sit down. That's all I want. Sit here next to her, looking at her. Being there for her, if she awakes. WHEN she awakes, I tell myself. Yeah I heard what Doc Fraiser said, but I don't believe it. Sam doesn't die. She can't. Not without me telling her that I love her. God, I am so stupid. Life gave me a second chance and I didn't take it. I mean I know how I feel about her, I always did. I knew when she walked the first time into the conference room. And God knows, I had many chances getting close to her. Maybe I was just afraid that everything was a dream. A wonderful dream. Or that she doesn't feel the same. Boy, why do I always lie to myself? Of course I knew that she uh liked me, too. But I'm her CO. If only these damn regs... wow, I never cared about any regs... just why am I holding THAT one so strictly? I don't know. Anyway, then there was this Martouf and some other guys who had a crush on her and well, I myself did some things I'm not proud of now. Oh boy. Forgive me Samantha, please forgive me everything. And come back to me. I can't take loosing you.

I watch her beautiful face. Everything is so quiet. Her breathing so steady that I can't believe she isn't breathing on her own. I gotta do something. It makes me nervous just to sit here and wait. Never been good at that. I find something to play with, don't even pay attention what it is, just wind it around my fingers. Time flies by now without any change. Sam doesn't wake up. How could she? God. But I keep sitting next to her and waiting. Waiting for her to come back, waiting for me to get my thoughts straight. Waiting for anything. There's a lot to think about. I force myself NOT to think about it. It wouldn't do any good anyway.

Suddenly the doors of the elevator open and I hear steps. I don't have to look up to know it's Janet. She walks over to me and comes to a hold between me and Sam's bed. She looks at Sam, then at the machines and catches her breath. ‚Still no change' she states, her voice low and painful. I don't look up. ‚I don't know if she ever told you this Colonel but Sam did her living well, no extraordinary means...' What's that supposed to mean? This is not about Small Talk, is it? ‚Yeah she told me...' Janet's quiet for a second. Then starts again ‚There ah... there's no brain activity of any kind. There are no brainwaves either for Sam or the entity. She's been kept alive entirely on life support' her voice breaks nearly and for a short moment I could've sworn she fought back tears. But she manages to get herself back under control. She sighs ‚I think it's time to let her go, sir.' My heart stops beating. What? Oh no, I didn't think about that. I look up at Sam. No. Then throw a startled and anxious glance at Janet. She doesn't look happy herself. Actually she looks like she has been crying. Boy, I feel like crying. I gotta say something. ‚Just' now MY voice is breaking ‚...just give it a minute, huh...?' I'm nodding ‚Yeah...' That's it. Time is all I need. But what shall I do?

Daniel and Teal'c enter the room. Janet must've told them before she spoke with me. Daniel is telling me something. I hear him, but don't get what exactly he's saying. I'm still staring at Sam. Maybe Janet's right. Yeah, she's a doc, she's right, isn't she? I think it's time to let her go. How can we let her go? ... DIE?! Then it would be over. Everything would be over. Her life as much as mine. Never seeing her again, knowing it was me who shot her... who killed her... No, I can't let her go. And I won't.

Suddenly I hear the voice of the general. He orders us to the melt room. As much as I hate to leave Sam I'm grateful. Grateful because Janet was just about to kill the machines that keep Sam alive. But then of course she stopped. Now I have what I wanted. Time. So all I have to do is find a way to help her. Save her. Tell her.

We enter the room and find ourselves in front of a huge strange machine which has to have been built by the entity. One of the men there turns to me and nods towards the screen which is part of this thing‚'I guess our friend ist back' he says. Great. Well... ‚Let's blow it' I suggest. At that very moment the screen changes and something is written there. Looks like I AM HERE. I am here?! I don't get it. But Danny makes his way to the screen and starts an argument with Teal'c about whether or not this could be the entity. The entity. Sam. My thoughts are everywhere but not where they should be... here. I force myself to concentrate and listen to the conversation of the kids. Daniel stares at me. ‚It's Sam.' He finally says. What?! ‚I shot her twice' I remind him. ‚After it transferred Sam's mind into... this thing.' Why would it do that?! I mean... ‚Why would it do that?' - ‚You demanded it. You threatened an army of probes to its homeworld. Saving Sam, allowing itself to be killed was the only way to preserve its homeworld' Oh I love scientists. Yeah, if that was possible, if this IS true... I head for the red phone and call the general.

Same situation in the whole base. Sam's everywhere. I have to smile at that thought. Oh yeah I can joke again. Now we've got a chance. I have one and even more important... Sam has one. Daniel explained his theory to General Hammond and Doctor Fraiser. They are both a little confused. Shocked but still nearly relieved. Well Janet for her part seems excited.

We enter the melt room once again. Janet is already there, together with Sam. She's still laying o the bed. Without tubes now. There's just a nurse who makes sure that her heart keeps beating. Besides that she looks as if she was just sleeping. Janet's preparing the EEG, switching it on and shaking her head in relieved disbelief. ‚'This EEG matches Sam's. I don't know how, but it's her'' she tells us. So Daniel was right. General Hammond stands next to Doc Fraiser, asking what we could do. ‚'There's nothing I can do sir, but return her into her own body.'' I do not even want to know HOW Janet's gonna do that, but I know she'll succeed. She has to succeed. The nurse stops whatever she was doing, takes a step back. Teal'c lifts the zat gun he's carrying. Just in case the transfer would fail or something even worse would happen. Could there be anything worse? I hate to admit it, but Teal'c is right. Anyway, this time it's his job to shoot, not mine. I couldn't shoot her again. And if he has to do so, I don't wanna see it. Janet looks up at the sound of the zat gun. Startled. Once again accusing. The general shoots a glance at me, questioning. I lift an eyebrow, then look down.

Janet connects Sam to the machine. Makes a terrible sound. Actually it sounds as if her body was shaken by electricity. I bet that this is exactly what is happening. I'm just guessing, still not looking. I'm staring at the floor, sending my prayers to heaven and hope that there is a God who hears them. I see her face, I always see her face these days. I love her face, it's so beautiful. So warm and welcoming. She's always smiling and laughing at my jokes. Sometimes I think I'm just joking to make her smile. Or hear her laughing. I sigh. Why does this take so long?

That very moment the sound stops. I look up. Everybody's eyes are staring at Sam. She's lying still. Not moving. Not breathing. Why is she NOT breathing? It worked. Please tell me that it worked. It couldn't fail... it wouldn't. No.

She's exhaling. What?! She's exhaling. She's ALIVE. It worked. Oh yesssssssssssss. Thank you God. I walk towards her. Smiling. Welcoming.‚Hey Carter' I'm next to her, stopping. ‚Where have you been?' I ask her. Not really wanting an answer. She's tired. Her voice lower than low. ‚It's gone?' she asks. Still afraid. Pain still reminding her of what she's been through. ‚Yes, it's gone' General Hammond answers. Everybody's nodding. Relieved. Happy.But I am the happiest of all. ‚ I was shouting' she whispers. ‚We heard' I tell her. Mean very exactly what I'm saying. My heart's full of joy. Oh I'd like to kiss her. Don't even think about it I tell myself. Boy. I shouldn't have kissed her when I was looping. Now it's going to haunt me day and night. Every moment I see her face. Oh I love her face. I LOVE HER. I gotta tell her. Ok, she nearly knows. That damn machine of the Tok'ra which made us tell the truth. And our adventure with that administrator who killed our memories. When I told her I remembered feelings for her... I wanna tell her anyway. But not here. Not now. Too many people. Too many witnesses. But I WILL tell her. Someday.

***THE END***