"Martouf, My Love" by Susanne Schlimbach

Title: Martouf, my Love

Author: Susanne "Prank" Schlimbach

Rating: PG-13

Warning: mild swearing, some Angst

Category: Sam an Jack Romance

Spoilers: The Tok'ra I + II, and Michelle Birkby's "Martouf"

Summary: Jolinar's memories give Sam some hard time thinking

Archive: Heliopolis- Yes, Sam and Jack- Yes, and someday mine, I hope... All others should ask, please. Hey, I wanna know, just to burst with pride! J

Dedication : To Michelle Birkby (she knows why), J. R. Bourne, and my MacGyver at home

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters, they all belong to MGM/UA, Gekko Inc., Double Secret Prod., the Gods and themselves. I was just toying around - see what I've got!

Feedback: Always welcome, even fire and brimstone... Hey, it's my first time in the SG-1 fanfic area!

Date: 20th January 2000

***

Sam stepped through the Stargate, finally entering her home base deep in Cheyenne Mountain. She was tired and weary. This mission had exhausted her to her limits, all she longed for was a long, hot shower and 24 hours of good night sleep. Thankfully she heard Generals Hammond's words.

"Mission report's in 3 hours, you should get your medical check and a nice hot shower first!"

She was even way too tired to flash him a thank-you smile as she was heading to the door, but she strained to look up to her colonel who waited for her to let her go first. He looked as tired as she was feeling and even he could not voice one of his famous jokes... Until this day her backpack had never been so heavy and the way to the locker rooms that far. When she had finally conquered that obstacle, she felt some energy rushing back to her and that strength she needed, to gather her towel and cleaning utensils and headed for the showers.

When the first hot water touched her weary body, she greedily engulfed the stream. She let the water soak her matted and dusty hair, let it wash down the sore and bruised shoulders, down to her aching back, and stream down her slender and absolutely powerless legs. A quiet sigh of pure enjoyment of this luxury escaped from her inner self. This felt sooo good! She put her hands against the cool walls and let the hot water wash away all the dust that seemed not only to cling to her body. She forgot all and everything around her, time too, simply relaxing. After a very long time she finally pulled herself together, got her shampoo and started massaging her head. She got her shower gel and was glad she had spend the money on the luxurious fluid that was scented so wonderfully and reminded her of lazy days on the beach. Finally having washed all the soap from her somewhat refreshed body she reached for her towel and started rubbing. On her way to the locker she threw a weary look at the clock that told her she was late. 'What the heck', she thought and treated herself to some of the nice body lotion that she had bought along with the shower gel. The scent of cocoa butter made her sigh again, she felt way better. But now she hurriedly got into her fresh clothes and walked over to the infirmary to meet Janet for her medical check.

Finally General Hammond dismissed SG-1 and the team tiredly got up. They all had hardly lived through this reports, staying awake seemed like a Herculean strain. Sam didn't feel up to the task of a drive home, so she decided to stay on the base. Colonel Jack O'Neill looked at her quizzically, pointing with his head towards the keys he held up in his right hand.

'He's even too tired to talk to me, poor man.', Sam thought but said out loud "I'm gonna find myself a bunk and get all the rest I can get, but thanks anyway Colonel."

Jack nodded understandingly, patted her lightly on the shoulder and mouthed a 'Sweet dreams' and turned around the corner towards the elevator. Daniel and Teal'c approached her from the front, even Teal'c looked as if he could fall asleep while walking. A tired Daniel signalled Sam with some meagre gestures that he'd take Teal'c with him offering him a bunk at his place, then waved a good-bye and good-night, and both men were gone.

With a sigh Sam slipped in the bed and was fast asleep the moment she had curled up under the blanket. She didn't know for how long she had been sleeping, that she started to "see" things. First she thought is was a dream, but pretty fast she realised that these were memories of Jolinar of Mulkshar, her short time Tok'ra symbiote. What she experienced were mostly sights and sounds, feelings and emotions, and only very little spoken words...

Through Jolinars eyes she saw several native people in a hurried retreat towards a Stargate on a planet Sam had never seen before. Behind them were fierce troops of Apophis' snake guards firing at them from dozens of staff weapons. The Stargate was already engaged, the shimmering water-like surface promising safety, but the crossfire made it impossible to approach it. The fugitives, that were trying to reach it, fell like puppets cut from their strings. They had way too little weapons, only 2 staff weapons and a few Zat'nik'tels were no match to the well armed guards. Jolinar saw them closing in, soon every chance for an escape was gone. Another of her rebel friends was mowed down in the vain effort to reach the Stargate. They were only four or five besides Jolinar of them left, and three of them were heavily wounded.

"Run for it now, or we're never gonna make it!", one of her comrades shouted towards her.

He was right, she fired her Zat'nik'tel fiercely in all directions, dashed behind the heap of corpses that had collected before the Stargate, ducked down low and crawled through the gate. She had finally made it, but what a price they had to pay for her safe escape. And now she had information vital for the ongoing struggle of the Tok'ra.

Then Sam saw Martouf, his eyes showed relief, that his lover had returned safely, but he also looked worried. She felt all the love Jolinar was feeling for him, all those tender moments she remembered, but Jolinar was also worried. It was such a desperate and dangerous time for the Tok'ra and there were only so little moments for lovers. Sam felt all the love Jolinar felt for this tender, kind man, as if it were her own feelings. She wondered, if she'd ever have a chance to experience only a slight shadow of that love, that had lasted between the two of them for ages already. Sam began to understand now even more why Jolinar loved Martouf. His shy smile was no pretence, his lost-puppy-dog-glance made every woman's heart melt, his shining silvery eyes promised her all the love she could imagine, his tender caress made her body tingle all over... And the strong willed symbiote Lantash was a perfect match for the fighter in Jolinar.

"Rosha, you've made it!", Sam heard Martouf whisper gently into her ear as they embraced.

Sam remembered this was the name of Jolinar's "body-part". Martouf 's tender caress made Sam tingle and she wasn't sure if this was only Rosha's/Jolinar's reaction. But again, they had only so little time, only a short but very intense hug, a hasty and desperate kiss, and Rosha/Jolinar had to hurry to inform the Tok'ra leadership of her finds. Of course Martouf wasn't all too happy but Rosha promised him:

"Tonight we'll have time for ourselves..."

Then Jolinar's memories skipped quite some time and Sam saw again the hasty retreat of the Tok'ra she had once already "witnessed" in a kind of vision. That vision had lead SG-1 to meet the Tok'ra on P34-353J. And now Sam saw, that Jolinar was being separated again from her beloved Martouf, sent again on an espionage mission, and, as Sam knew now, sent to Nasya and into her sure death. Sam saw the pain and the despair in Martouf's eyes, but there was something else... He looked hurt and she could feel that they had quarrelled. They had quarrelled about Jolinar so often going on missions, so often being in danger, and Martouf/Lantash so often staying with the Tok'ra council and the deteriorating Selmak/Saroosh while worrying about Jolinar's/Rosha's well-being. Sam felt they had quarrelled a lot, only hiding their true feelings of absolutely imperturbable love and trust, but also the ever mind-eating fear for the other when away on missions. Sam "remembered" Jolinar and Lantash, both being the more hot spirited ones exchanging some very hard words and feelings, while their body-counterparts Rosha and Martouf had felt the same fear, but more so the deep hurt of feelings. Now Sam began to understand why Martouf had questioned her so thoroughly about her memories of Jolinar's feelings for him and the depth and intensity of her love...

Now she knew a lot about the love story between the two Tok'ra and the tragedy behind it. Sam awoke after some hours of refreshing sleep, feeling the utmost desire to meet with Martouf and tell him all she knew, all the things Jolinar had wanted to tell him, but never had had a chance to... While getting up Sam started to realise how puzzled she felt. She had experienced the intense love and trust between the two Tok'ra, and her head was buzzing with tender feelings for Martouf. She halted in the midst of her movement, her T-shirt only half way over her head and sank back on the bunk.

"Where do Jolinar's feelings end and where do mine start? Am I in love with this wonderful man or am I just reflecting Jolinar's feelings?", Sam thought. And what about her feelings for her Colonel, that were more than the due respect for a superior officer and in it's core way against any regs! The more she thought about it the more puzzled she got. She felt more schizophrenic than ever before. Shaking her head she continued her dressing and came to a conclusion.

"Hell, I've gotta find out", she said out loud and headed to see Janet Fraiser, her trusted friend and doctor.

Sam found Janet in her office, it was a quiet morning at the base, so the friends had time to talk. Sam told Janet all about her "dream" and the puzzled feelings she held inside. Janet listened patiently only once in a while aiding Sam with the words when Sam fought for vocabulary to voice her impressions and feelings and "memories". Only after Sam had finally finished Janet spoke up:

"Sam, every woman on this base talks about that gorgeous guy Martouf... But I know, that your CO Jack O'Neill seemed as gorgeous to you too and still does up until now... Let's not talk about those regs-stuff, we've had that already, all I can tell you is, that you MUST see Martouf and talk to him!"

"Jack will kill me! You know how hostile he's reacting towards Martouf! It's a wonder those two haven't been at each others throats for quite some time!"

"True, but you've gotta talk to him AND Jack. Sam you're close on the edge of insanity if this goes on any further!"

"Yeah, you're probably right... Although I must say, that it helped already to talk to you... Thanks Janet for listening...."

"You're welcome, as you know, that's what friends are for! But really, you've gotta talk to Martouf, and I mean soon!"

"And how am I supposed to meet him, I do not think General Hammond will allow this 'tour d'amour'... "

"You've gotta talk to him, if you want I talk to Martouf! Of course you mustn't tell him about your feelings for your CO, but you have to tell him that those memories haunt you, they influence your work, your skills..."

Sam sat there for quite a while lost in her thoughts. Finally she replied:

"Janet, would you please accompany me to see the General?"

"Of course - buddy!" Janet said with a smile and laid an arm around her friend.

General Hammond was puzzled and he said so. But he understood the necessity of Sam talking to the Tok'ra warrior. Ever since Sam had joined SG-1 he had felt like a proud (second) father to her, and since Jacob had joined the Tok'ra he felt even more so. And the commanding officer of SGC understood the vital necessity to have his top astrophysicist in top condition. Any distraction might cause a catastrophe - to Sam, her career or even to the Stargate program! Deep inside he pitied Sam for the confusion the short contact with the Tok'ra larvae Jolinar had caused her and he worried for her well-being. But he was glad, that Sam had such a close friend in the base's MCO and that she had that much trust in him, to tell him everything. Well, maybe not everything. He felt, she was holding back some thoughts and feelings. He had cause to believe that Captain Samantha Carter felt more than just the due respect to her CO Colonel Jack O'Neill, and he could bet on it that O'Neill returned those feelings. And this of course would add to the already immense pressure weighting down on Sam. Both of them had never behaved unmannerly in any way and caused Hammond to reproach them for it or even split up his best SG-team. And even a soldier had a right to some private life. Hesitantly, but finally convinced after the two women had talked to him, he was glad to allow Sam to visit with Martouf... Contact would be easily made through the Tollan sub-space transmitter and then hopefully soon the man would pay them a visit...

"Well, ladies, get that signal to the Tok'ra, I'll have everything prepared... You need a quiet place to talk, I'd lend you my office, but..."

"Sir," Sam interrupted Hammond's speech, "excuse me, if you don't mind, I'd prefer some more neutral grounds... Maybe we could go outside. The base's area has got some nice spots, I'd prefer to be in the open, when..." Sam voiced hesitantly.

"Well, if you feel more comfortable and stay in the area, I see no reason against it... " With a fatherly smile he added: "Contact the Tok'ra! I've heard in the weather forecast we're going to have a nice spring day in Arizona..."

"Thank you sir, for everything!" Sam was barely able to say. Janet nodded her thanks to her CO and accompanied her friend outside to make the preparations.

Two hours later the klaxons blared out and Sam eagerly received the Tok'ra's signal in the gate control room. Jack O'Neill just entered the room and queried:

"Who is it, Carter?"

"The Tok'ra are paying us a visit, sir", she replied not eager to tell him more than absolutely necessary.

"Oh no, you're not sayin' that snakehead is comin' for dinner, are you!?" Jack exclaimed.

On purpose Sam misinterpreted his comment.

"With all due respect, sir, if you're talking about my father... I haven't seen him in months, and..."

"No, no, I'm talking about 'Mr. Bright Eyes Martouf'", Jack voiced and twisted his face in disgust. Sam felt the urge to land a hard punch in his face and hardly restrained herself. She remembered what Janet had once said to her about male envy and mating-behaviour and showed Jack a wry smile. She hurried out of the room to meet the two men stepping down the Stargate ramp, telling Jack over her shoulder:

"They haven't come to visit you, so you don't have to bother..."

Jack stood there, puzzled. This improper behaviour might have caused Sam quite some trouble, if anybody had witnessed this short exchange. Well, nobody important had, except poor puzzled Lieutenant Simmons, but he kept his mouth tightly shut. Jack could have kicked his own ass for those hard words, for hurting Sam, for showing his feelings so openly, for the envy he felt against every man who only looked at Sam, his Sam, and especially this Martouf... That guy had caused Jack more sleepless nights than Sam might ever imagine. The way he smiled at Sam, the way he flirted, the way he openly adored and worshipped her. Many did that, but Jack could deal with it, 'cause they did so from afar and no one ever came as close to her as he did - no one, except that snakehead. And now he had to witness with a sour look on his face as Sam greeted those two Tok'ra way to heartily for his taste.

Down in the Stargate room Sam hugged her father joyously.

"Well, I wasn't invited, but hoped I was still welcome..." Jacob said half jokingly.

"Oh Dad! You should know I'm always happy to see you!" Sam reproached her father. "Although I have to admit, that I'd like to talk to Martouf first..."

And there he stood, with that radiant smile in his face, those iridescent eyes... Sam remembered the comments she had overheard when the girls in the locker room or canteen had giggled and went into raptures talking about Martouf... Their phrases echoed in her brain: 'Those gorgeous eyes!' 'And that smile!' Sam had to grin inside, forgetting what troubled her for moments. Smiling she greeted him :"Hello Martouf, I'm glad you found the time to come... And that you dragged Dad along too..."

"I was happy to receive your message, Samantha. It's always a pleasure to visit you." His smile enlightened the whole room.

Gladly Sam realised General Hammond stepping beside her, greeting their visitors and leading her father away with the words: "Well, Jacob, as I gather it, the kids have to talk. And what shall we two old war dogs do until they're finished?"

Smiling Sam turned again to Martouf asking, "And why don't we to go to the surface. I understand this is a beautiful day in Arizona and I prepared a picnic for the two of us..."

"A Picnic? Whatever it is, it sounds most interesting!" Chatting Martouf followed Sam to the elevators.

And Jack had to witness it all from the above window... His first impulse was to follow the two, to spy on them, but... Doc Janet Fraiser had silently slipped into the control room watching Jack and his very vivid face. She had seen out of a corner of her eyes what had gone on in the 'Gate room and sensed the turmoil in O'Neill. As he now seemed to follow his urge to follow his Captain and her visitor she quietly said, so only O'Neill could hear:

"One day you have to put trust in her, Jack!"

O'Neill turned around perplexed. "Women and cats have a sixth sense, it seems!"

"And they are great listeners too." Janet replied.

Jack agreed, but he didn't feel like talking. As if to voice all that in one movement he crocked his head and left, but he didn't follow Sam, he went in his office. There he wanted to wait for her return and the result of this mysterious meeting.

Outside the sun was shining brightly, and a nice breeze spread the spring's scent. On their way up Sam had picked up a prepared basked filled with a light snack, some soda and a warm blanket to sit on. She found a nice spot close to a now blooming wild cherry tree, quickly the place was set, and the two settled down comfortably for their long talk. Martouf had sensed that there was something troubling Sam's mind and being the sensitive man he was, he easily encouraged her to speak up. At first hesitant, not willing to hurt Martouf with Jolinar's memories and her own worries, much less willing to tell him her deepest and dearest secrets, Sam began, but soon she spilled it all out. Martouf listened quietly, giving her time, only nodding once in a while. After Sam had finished she even dared to reveal to him her puzzlement about her feelings towards him, and even those towards Jack... And after all that Sam felt relieved, as if a whole mountain had been taken from her shoulders. Now she finally reached for some grapes and her drink, listening to what Martouf had to tell her. And he told her about his feelings for Rosha/Jolinar. Like during their first meeting, even Lantash voiced his feelings, when Martouf was unable to continue. Martouf told her, how he had had only eyes for Rosha, how she had been the center of his life, the only reason to live. Lantash told Sam how he had sensed, without really knowing, that something had happened to his beloved mate. And how hard it had been for him to wait and not run towards Jolinar, wherever she might be, until he learned the news. And even further, how he had strained to make Martouf go on, afterwards... And he also told Sam:

"You know, you remind him of her, and me of Jolinar. I can still sense her within you. And that is why we both are in a way attracted towards you.... But still, be that as it may, you are not Jolinar, and therefore it would be crazy to... court for your love. You'd sense after some time, that we were only trying to regain Jolinar. And this would be unfair. I cannot speak for you, or judge on what you feel for Martouf or me, but I fear, you are, as you've already guessed, only re-living the feelings Jolinar had for us...

Sam nodded understandingly. She was so glad the Tok'ra had spoken so openly with her. During their talk she had realised that, even if her own feelings for Martouf were very strong, it was not as strong as those she had for Jack. This day had started so worriedly and crazy and now she was sitting here, relaxed with a new-found close friend, whom she could trust, and talk to... This close bond of friendship she'd experienced only twice before in her life and with women only, and one was an old pre-school friend, the other was Janet Frasier.

Now Martouf lifted his head and started talking again, with his cutest shy smile in his eyes:

"Samantha, Lantash has said pretty much it, I guess. I... I could have easily fallen in love with you, well I even did so a little bit, I must admit, but there is somebody else in your life. It is he who makes you laugh, whom you entrust with your life,.... and he feels the same way for you too. I know of your fear and why you hesitate to tell him, but you have to talk to him... Otherwise you'll miss out on something so very wonderful..."

Sam nodded, she was amazed about all the things he knew. Although she still had her doubts she said:

"If there's one thing I've learned from you and Jolinar, it's that I must find the courage and talk to him. It is as if Jolinar is whispering inside me 'Tell him before it is too late! Don't make the same mistakes I did!' Thank you Martouf, thanks to both of you..."

And with this she embraced that man sitting across her. One part of her was amazed and puzzled, but she knew this was ok, this was her friend, and a very close one.

It had got somewhat late, the sun was already setting and it started to get chilly. Quickly the two packed the remains of their picnic and headed for the elevator and back inside the base. Sam knew that the General would have invited the two Tok'ra to stay for dinner, most probably it was prepared already waiting for them to being done with their talking. She guided Martouf to her father who was chatting with his old time friend. She saw Jack sitting in his office looking up from his work to see her entrance, and of course, he made a grouchy face towards Martouf and the happy chatter he was involved in with Sam. She grinned, delivered Martouf to the two elder men and excused herself with the words 'Let me quickly get rid of this basket.' And slipped away over to Jacks office. Quietly she knocked at the door and the non-expecting Jack shouted out his military "Come in!" As he looked up he was bedazzled by the most radiant smile he'd ever seen on Sam's pretty face. Her eyes were shining and her cheeks had the fresh colour of little apples, as if the day out in the spring air had reloaded her inner batteries way more than any holiday ever could. Not without sarcasm he voiced:

"I take it you had fun outside, Carter?"

"Oh sir, it was marvellous, simply wonderful!" Sam chimed. She let herself fall in the seat right in front of him and continued animatedly: "Did you know the cherry trees are blooming?! Sir, if you don't mind, I'd love to repeat that very soon with you - alone, if you like. But this time I'd bake a cake myself, and prepare the sandwiches, maybe even have some whine... And we'd take the whole day, not only a few hours..."

Jack was speechless. He'd never seen her so... high spirited, so very much alive - and so loveable. Before his inner eye he saw the two of them sitting on a blanket, the cherry blossoms snowing down on them, crowning his beloved Sam like a fairy-tale queen... He had trouble pulling himself together enough, and clearing his throat heavily to be able to reply:

"I'd love to."

"Well, then let's fix it, let's say this Saturday, the day after tomorrow?"

"That's a date!"

Sam let out a squeal of joy and rushed over to his desk. She could hardly refrain herself from pressing a wild smack on his lips, so she held close to the desk's plate, bent over to her CO, and whispered in a VERY seductive voice:

"I'm looking forward to it!"

She quickly left, before she could do something very much against regulations. "Not yet, Sam!" She told herself, "Not yet!"

The End