TITLE: Defenseless
AUTHOR: Jennifer Renner
EMAIL: jr_moon2001@yahoo.de
RATING: R, character death, some violence, dispair, SJ
ARCHIVE: SJ yes, Heliopolis yes, all others please ask me
CONTENT WARNINGS: well..it started angsty and then got cruel.don't know what happened here.one of them dies.I guess
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Oh, and don't own the wonderful and haunting novel "Blonde" either.
SPOILERS: well Daniel's mentioned to be alive but no special season
STATUS: complete?
SUMMARY: Sam makes a sacrifice- her life- and Jack tries to rescue her but pays for it -with his-
AUTHORS NOTES: okay..I read "Blonde" by Joyce Carol Oates last year and I love that novel (it's a fictional Marilyn Monroe biography and I love Marilyn.) anyway. there was this sentence which is so true in my eyes in so many ways: "We are never so defenseless against suffering as when we love, never so helpless unhappy as when we have lost our object or its love." I thought.well, that could fit into a FF and started writing it last year..now I'm finished.I guess. I'm really depressed now and I don't know if I really can stand an ending like this.
THANKS: Sam23 and Jemma for beta and feedback. *hug*
FEEDBACK: Would be honoured, printed, framed and pinned at the feedback wall!
© Jennifer Renner 2003
~Defenseless~
"We are never so defenseless against suffering as when we love, never so helpless unhappy as when we have lost our object or its love." -'Blonde' by Joyce Carol Oates
*
The storm came so suddenly we didn't see him coming. He blew us away, tore us apart and left us alone. We were scattered in all directions. And none of us could reach out a hand for help.
I'm sitting alone in my room - that is the accomodation they let me own for the time being. It's cold and rain hits the thin windowpanes with unnatural force. I wonder when it'll break apart. I wonder when I will.
I sit in the only chair in the almost empty space and wait. I wait for something to happen, anything that would make it all right. Anything to ease the pain.
The darkness seems to soothe me. On the other hand it is a heavy weight I can't bear. I subconsciously move my hand to my throat and pull at my collar. I need air. I have to breath.
Please let me be! Outside I hear voices, muffled slightly but I can understand them perfectly. Two men, discussing. They march by and don't take notice of me sitting behind the wooden door they just passed. How could they? How could they know about my suffering? How can anybody understand?
One person could, though.
One person that's no longer here with me.
~*~
I ignore their faces, their eyes, their words as I slowly cross the square. I ignore my hurt, my fear. I ignore everything that doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is gone.
So why should I care?
My friends are out there somewhere and I can't reach them. I can't call one of them to come over and have a drink with me. I tried to find them. I tried to reach them.
I failed.
The person I loved is gone forever.
And that I can't stand.
~*~
His words echo in my head. His scream for me as I left him. As I gave in to my destiny, because I had made that terrible mistake.
They say you are never so easily hurt as when you love. I'm afraid they are right. I couldn't stand the hurt myself. I couldn't watch him go. So *I* went instead of him. I denied him the only comfort left. That he would sacrifice himself for my survival.
I left him with a pain far worse. The pain of the one being left behind. The watcher. Helpless to interfere.
I stare out the little window of the rotten hole I work in. I hurt. But it doesn't matter. Nothing does. The little hope that's left gnaws inside my head. My throat is dry and my vision blurred. The air is muggy and smells, no, stinks of something I really don't want to get in contact with. Thank God the light is so dim. I don't see everything that's in this room.
I simply work on. Steady. Willing it to be over. But it won't.
~*~
The sound of someone hammering against my door wakes me up. I'm fully conscious within the second, running to the door and opening it. I've learned the hard way not to let someone wait. Someone of 'them' stares at me from the other side of the doorframe. He grabs me and pulls me out of the room, tossing me behind him like a piece of furniture too heavy to carry as he walks through the corridors of the building. They didn't give me the chance to collect my belongings. I lost the power to struggle. And I know being passive is the best thing I could do.
I rematerialize in another city. I have no idea how far away we are from my first accomodation. And to be honest, I don't care much. It's cold and windy. No stars but high buildings. Dark and cruel.
They drag me into one of the houses and push me into a room.
"You stay here until further notice."
I don't respond, just wait until they vanish and then dare to look around. This room doesn't show much of an improvement. But it's not worse, so I think I can accept it. I stumble towards the window, and after rubbing the dirt off the pane, look out. Across the street there's a factory of some sort. I've seen those before, they all look alike. That's where they always employ me. That's the reason they wanted me; because I'm so smart.
I grimace at this thought. Then I walk over to the cod and lie down. I'm so sick of this.
~*~
I work on. I don't ask questions anymore. After almost dying by one of the many punishments, as they call it, I understood. They really don't need me that much. They'd find a subsitute.
Another place to live in. And I use that term losely. Live. I snort. Yeah, sure. One room after the other, I lost count in all those months. It's the same procedure everytime: they knock at my door, drag me away and dump me in a similar barack. I go to work and solve their problems. Such advanced people, yet too dump to get themselves out of trouble.
Today is one of those days I wish I hadn't seen the light of day. I work, no, toil deep in the underground of one of their mines or whatever they are called. It's dark and the air is muggy making it hard to breathe. I sweat, and that damn machine won't do as I want it to.
I allow myself a little break and swear. I place my hands on the stone wall in front of me and let them support my weight, my head hanging down between my arms. If only I could cry.
Suddenly someone grabs me from behind and whirls me around. I need a second to adjust to the aprubt movement and as my vision clears I find myself face to face with someone. It's so dark I can only see the outline of the face. It's a man, he has short hair as far as I can tell, and his hands dig fiercely into my shoulders. I can see him breathe heavily and I prepare myself for a fight. It wouldn't be the first time that some horny freak would try to rape me, but he doesn't move. He stares at me, and then his mouth moves but no words come out. Without me seeing it coming he steps towards me and drags me into his arms, holding me so tight I almost fear to suffocate.
Then I hear his whispered words. I hear his voice. And as I recognize it I develop a strength I thought I lost months ago. I push away from him and run. I run from the ghost of my past, knowing I wouldn't be able to continue if I let him enter my life again.
His words threaten to reach me, chasing me from behind.
"*Carter!*"
~*~
I don't want to go down there again. I try so hard to get another assignment but they won't let me. They force me down, down into the reality of what I' ve done.
I sneak through the tunnels like a shadow. I pray he won't find me again. I turn around and enter another tunnel. As I get closer to my destination I detect a silhouette. Some light source illuminates the space behind him as he crouches on the spot where I stood yesterday.
I halt and his head moves up. We remain in that position without moving, a hunter and his victim, eying each other before the final, killing shot. And each of them knows.
He gets up slowly, his body language signalling me that he won't hurt me. I know that. I fear it's the other way round. Accepting the cruel truth of my deed would destroy me as it probably destroyed him a long time ago. Without me controling it, my body walks forward. We approach each other and stop with only inches of air seperating us. This time I can see his face more clearly. It's worn out, exhausted and.I realize in shock, it's alive. Despite everything that happened, it's not dead. His eyes show the same fire and tenderness they always showed. He reaches out a hand to touch me. I shake my head. Slowly I allow his tender words to enter me.
"It's alright, Carter. I'm here. Shhhh. Come'ere." As he holds me this time I don't feel like dying. This time I feel secure which is even worse. I place one hand in his hair and hold him firmly. I murmur words of apology and regret. There's so much I need to tell him, so much I need to know.
How can I survive if he ever leaves me again?
I withdraw and ask the inevitable question.
"What are you doing here?" Please don't tell me everything was in vain. Please don't tell me you and Daniel and Teal'c had been taken, too. Please don't tell me you.
"Couldn't let you go and have the fun all alone." He grins at me. It's a weak grin, but it's definitely him.
~*~
I continue working on that damn machine just as long as we are observed, which is for the rest of the shift. Then I go home, but not after telling him where he could find me. I hope he'll make it. It's not easy to trick the guards.
I rush through the streets and enter the square room that now belongs to me. I try to wash myself in the little basin and to get some order into my hair. It's grown, a lot. I didn't notice how much.
Then I sit down on my cod. I'm nervous, anxious. I resist the urge to pace up and down my room. As I almost can't stand it any longer, a shy series of knocks makes me jump and go to open the door. There he stands in the bright, unnatural and sickening light of the corridor. We stare at each other for seconds and then he switches into Colonel mode and enters my room, closing the door behind him. "Sorry it took so long. I had to make sure they didn't follow me."
I nod. Then I sit down on my shabby bed again and watch him. He uncomfortably shuffles his feet and then strolls over to sit beside me. I study his face. His expressions are tired. I have no idea what he's been through, but he did it for me. I am responsible for his suffering.
He must see the guilt in my eyes because he speaks words I've never heard him say before. "Ya know.. you shouldn't have done that, Carter. You should have let me protect you.. and besides I gave you a direct order." I expected him to be angry with me, but he says it so tenderly.
My voice sounds like a whisper as I answer him. "Sir, there was no other option. They wanted *me*, so I went. Did you really think I would let you all die because of me?"
"No. Not Teal'c or Daniel."
I swallow hard. "Sir?"
"Carter, for cryin' out loud. I'm your CO. I'm your friend. Do you have any idea what you put me through?"
Now he's angry. //Never so helpless unhappy as when we've lost the subject or its love.//
"Sir."
"No, Carter. You listen to me. I searched the whole damn planet for you. I *begged* them to take me with them and to let Daniel and Teal'c go because otherwise I knew we'd never find you again. No one gets left behind, remember?" He pauses and then adds with a bitter voice. "But that's what you did to me, *Major*."
I get angry. "Sir, I had no choice. Do you think I *wanted* to go? Do you really think I like disobeying an order? Or leaving one of you behind?"
I stare at him, and he stares back at me. This is all so intimate and I crave for his nearness but he stands up and walks to the window. After a heavy silence he simply says: "I have to go soon, Carter. They are watching me. And you. It was pure luck that we found each other."
I know he's right, but I can't stop wishing that he'd stay. Just for one more hour. Or this night. We were given another chance, shouldn't we use it? He still stands at his place at the window. One hand is resting on the wall. He is lost in thought, and I realize he feels as cold as I do otherwise he would have never reacted the way he did as we found each other in the darkness of the mine. I want to walk over to him and warm him. I need him to warm me as well, but the soldier in me reminds me I'm still his 2IC. I'm still Major Samantha Carter. And he's still Colonel Jack O'Neill. And if we stop being them and started being just Sam and Jack, we wouldn't get out of here. What we need right now is the starving desire of comfort, which we'd never find in a place like this. This desire forces us on and promises relief as soon as we will be back home.
So I ask weakly: "How do we get home, sir?" It's only since he's here that I recognize how much strength I have lost. I almost don't recognize myself.
"I'll tell you tomorrow. Trust me." Then he turns around and looks at me intensely. "I'll get us out of here."
"I know, sir." I smile weakly. I'm so tired. Our eyes lock for one brief moment and I'm sure he'll say something but then he seems to decide against it. I watch him walk to the door. He stops briefly and glances back at me over his left shoulder for one more time before opening the door, peering out and as he can't detect anybody, slipping out.
He's gone. Just like that as if it was the simplest thing in the world. I embrace myself and realise for the first time since this mess had started how lost I feel. How lost I am.
I go to the window and peek out. Through the milky pane I observe him crossing the streets swiflty and then vanishing into the shadows of the night. After ten minutes I turn away and crawl under the thin sheets covering my cod. Willing sleep to take me away, and wanting this night to pass by quickly.
*
I try to look casual. I don't want them to see how eager I am to descend down into the deep, black hole where he will wait for me. Finally I arrive at the machine I cursed two days before. I look around but I don't see him. This doesn't disturb me; he'll be here soon, so I go to work.
The hours pass by and I catch myself scanning the tunnel nervously. Where is he? Is he caught? Is he hurt?
From far away I detect my captors approaching me. I never learned their name. I doubt they have one. I fear they might come and drag me away again. As they arrive at my side they question me about the machine and how I am proceeding. I say I'm fine and I'll be done with it within the next two days. I need time. They look at each other and nod. Then they leave me again. However, I doubt that they believed my lie.
The day goes by and he didn't show up. I hurry home and hope he'll find me on the street. Maybe he's already waiting in my room? Who knows, they might have given him another shift.
But he isn't there. I sit awake the whole night but he doesn't come. I am furious. He was here yesterday and they've taken him away from me again. I know it. Without further thinking I make a plan.
I'm going to find him. If I don't, I'll die.
*
I gather my belongings and prepare for a quick flight. I know I have no way of hiding a weapon of some sort because they search me everytime before and after work.
I behave as usual. I go to work, pretend to actually be working and watch out for him. He doesn't show up. I then take the risk of being caught. I ask questions to my fellow workers. Have they seen him, do they know where he is?
Almost as I'm about to give up I meet Taran.
He tells me he knows Jack. He has witnessed that they took him, knocked him unconscious and dragged him away before he had the chance of contacting me. He also informs me that he knows me. Obviously the Colonel told him he was searching me and Taran led him here.
The two of us agree to meet at my place to make a deal. Taran is willing to help me find Jack and I promise to take him home with us to Earth.
In my room I look through my belongings - an extra shirt, a pair of trousers and socks - and try to find something I could use as a weapon. Just in case. Trust no one, Sam. Then a sequence of knocks gets my attention and I go open the door. Taran stands in front of me and then presses by into the room. I eye him suspiciously. He's younger than I thought and has somewhat snakey movements. I feel I can't trust him but I have no choice. I'll figure out soon enough what part he plays in all this.
"So.. Taran.what are we going to do next?"
He looks at me and grins. "Well, free O'Neill. We have to be careful but I know where he is."
"And that is?" I prompt impatiently.
"A prison."
I frown. I had no idea that these people needed prisons. He must read my thoughts and explains further. "Yes.. prison. But that's not what I would call it. People are taken there to die; and his death will be public. The whole planet will see it.it's a kind of.an example, a warning."
"So that nobody does what?" I ask, not wanting to believe the horrible implication.
"That nobody tries to come to this planet with the clear intention to violate law. That nobody dares to even think of violating law.. but we are wasting time. We should go immediately. It's as dark as it will get."
I nod. What else can I do than play along? I have to find him.
*
Taran and I hush through the streets. I still can't believe how dirty this damn planet is. Steam rushes out through cracks from underneath the streets. Nobody follows us and I have the suspicion that it's going a little too well. "Taran," I whisper to the man running in front of me. "How do we get into the prison?"
"Trust me."
I doubt I will. After one hour we stop at the corner of the narrow street we are in. Taran motions me to peek around it. I do and shudder at the huge, black square building that must be our destination. The drizzle and smoke add to the more than eerie feeling and I briefly feel a wave of hopelessness. But I gather myself quickly. I only have to remind me what Jack's been through for me.
I retreat and hunker down, leaning my back against the brick stone wall. I raise my head to the sky briefly; the cold rain feels good on my face. Then I look at my new partner. "What's your plan?"
*
I regain consciousness in a brightly lit room. It's white. The whitest light I've ever seen and it hurts like hell because I'm forced to look straight into it. I want to raise my hands to shield my eyes but I can't. I'm tied to something. A bed, a table, I don't know but it's hard and my back hurts. And I hear strange noises from somewhere, as if altered by a speaker.
Slowly I start to think logically. What happened?
Taran. The bastard somehow knocked me unconscious and must have handed me over to the guards. Probably as a present, or in exchange for better accomodation. Tears fall down my eyes and I feel as if I'm going blind. I can't close them. It hurts like hell.
*
I hear footsteps. They aproach me and then suddenly the light is gone and I' m left in a mess of dots and blackness before my eyes. I still can't close them and they burn like fire, but I'm relieved the light is gone. Someone speaks to me. He insults me and mocks me. He thanks me for showing up because now they'd have two examples. Even better.
I wish I could stop the tears from falling but I can't. After minutes my vision starts clearing and I detect the silouhettes of a room. I feel I'm chained to a wall and my head is held in position so that my eyes face straight ahead into what I guess is another room. There are still too many blue and green dots swimming in front of my eyes but I am sure that there are people in that room.
Someone is here with me. I can't see him but I know he must be standing at my side, out of my line of sight. I can hear him breathing. I know he's a man because I've never seen a woman since I've been here.
I feel almost paranoid but I will that feeling to go away. I've been in worse situations like this. But then I at least was able to fight, to defend myself.
I stare ahead of me. The dots become smaller and smaller and I can clearely detect four people in the opposite room. Three of 'them' and.. my CO.
//never so defenseless against suffering as when we love//
I want them to stop. I shout at the man I know is watching me. I shout at the people in the opposite room even though they don't hear me.
I shout at the sight in front of me. Jack is barely able to stand up but being the man he is, doesn't give them the pleasure of winning so easily. I want to look away. I want to run over and help him. But I am damned to watching. Now I know what kind of noises - now turned off - I heard previously. The dull noises when they impacted with his body. The louder ones when he impacted with the floor. The heavy breathing.
I feel like dying. Suddenly one of them hits him so hard he immediately falls down to the floor right under the window and out of my sight. I almost panic now that I can't see what is happening to him. I see first one hand, then another as he pulls himself up. He briefly rests his face against the pane, leaving traces of blood. I can see that he has nothing left to offer. But they can't kill him, right? They'd do that publicly, and here there's no recording device, right?
But I also understand that just one more blow could be the last he would be able to take. I stare at the man in front of me who I know so well. His shoulders raising and falling with every deep breath, his body shaking with fatigue and pain. Then he raises his head slowly and looks straight ahead. He sees me, and as he realizes I've witnessed his torture he seems to break. He can stand any physical pain as long as it only affects him, but as soon as anybody else suffers along with him or because of him; this is the one thing he can't stand. I then know he would *gladly* die for me if it meant saving my life. As long as I wouldn't know. But by knowing, I hurt and this means he hurts as well.
In this seconds we stare at each other so much happens. I mouth something but I don't know what. His eyes speak to mine and I understand what he tells me. And in return he understands how sorry I am that I failed. Not only now but in every aspect. I failed to understand the importance of love, I failed to understand the need to touch, I failed to be brave enough to show it. I failed to save him. I know when I'll die before him, he dies with me. If I am forced to I watch them take away his life this very moment, they'd kill me too. Because he is in me, and I'm in him. This I also failed to notice earlier.
We stare at each other, then they grab him and hit him for one last time. His eyes are fixed on mine as we say goodbye. I don't even have the strength to scream. I can only watch in horror as his body gets numb and he falls to the floor in slow motion, and out of my sight.
His three attackers stand around him for a few seconds, then turn and leave the room without showing any interest.
I keep staring at the now seemingly empty room with the knowledge that the man I love is left to die alone in a white, dirty room, lying in his own blood.
I laugh. I laugh a bitter laugh and the man in my room stops his approach briefly.
I'm dead anyway.
So what difference does it make?
*
~ The End ~
What do you think????
Take Care
jenny