"Old Love, New Beginning" By moon_n

"Old Love, New Beginning" By moon_n_star

Title: Old Love, New Beginning

Author: moon_n_star

Rating: R

Archive: SJD, yes

Summary: A re-working of the first season, a what-if of sorts.

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended.

Spoilers: First season, specifically first two eps

Status: Complete

Notes: This is my little dedication to all the wonderful fanfic writers out there - thank you!! It's one of those pesky little ideas that just wouldn't go away. Toyed a little with the 'real' timeline, making Sam a little older (I think) and Jack a little younger. Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoy.

******

Alone in his office, General Hammond gathered the documents together, shuffling them tidily into his hands. Giving one last glance over, he tapped them once on the desk, pausing momentarily in his chair before rising. He strode into the briefing room with a confidence befitting a 2-star general. Wasting no time, his robust voice, tinged with a Texan accent, hushed the muted whispers from those gathered.

"Gentlemen, take your seats."

The newly 'un-resigned' Colonel O'Neill turned on his heel, snapping a salute to his new commanding officer. He had stopped to admire the view from the briefing room window, marveling at the mammoth gate below ... the subject of so much controversy and the reason for his return.

And even he had to admit, he was excited.

Following the other officers in the room, he started toward the briefing room table. Stopping to examine the mission notes before him, the General's next inquiry almost escaped his attention.

"Where's Dr. Carter?"

But he'd heard, and for one crazy moment, his mind panicked with the possibility. But it was nonsense, right? Carter's a pretty common name, right up there with Smith ... and Johnson ... and Roberts ... Parker ... Simpson ...

"Just arriving, sir," Major Sammuels reported.

"Carter?" Jack questioned, surprising himself at his subdued inquiry. O'Neill extracted a pen from his inside pocket, and then scribbled notes on the sheets below him. Yep, keep the mind occupied ... nothing like nice mindless action to rein in an overactive imagination.

"I'm assigning Sam Carter to this mission."

Now did he have to go and say that?

Okay, there's a rational explanation here. I mean, Sam's a common name, too. Hell, he'd known several in his lifetime. Okay, let's see ... there was Sam Reynolds, good ... um, Sam something or other ... uh ... Sam Carter.

Damn.

No, no, no, it's just a coincidence ... a big, fluky coincidence. Besides, she hadn't gone by that name in ages.

Yep, nothing to worry about.

"I prefer to put together my own team, sir."

"Not on this mission, sorry. Carter's our expert on the stargate."

"Where's he transferring from?"

'Oh, yeah, O'Neill, way to work the delusion.'

"*She* is transferring from the Pentagon."

O'Neill's head snapped up, his eyes converging on the woman assertively walking toward him.

Damn, and he was so convinced. Okay, so rationalization wasn't his forte, but it had worked for him.

That is, until he heard her voice, unmistakable from the word, well, she. And, damn, how such a simple word could paralyze him; like a physical blow to his gut, the mere potency of her presence crushed him into silence. And he wasn't the only one. Major Kawalsky, Major Ferretti - they instantly recognized the lustrous woman as their best friend's wife - ex-wife - but neither could speak through the shock. Not that they disliked Sam - actually, they got along with her as well as with O'Neill - but her arrival at a classified military base was unexpected, to say the least.

She stood before him now, unwavering in her stare. "Colonel" her only reply, she bowed her head slightly in greeting before severing eye contact to take the only empty chair.

"Doctor Carter." Her name sounded distant and alien on his tongue, surprising considering their ten-year relationship. But he'd known her as Doctor O'Neill for nine of those ten, a major reason he hesitated to believe *the* Sam Carter was *his* Sam Carter. True, they'd been divorced for over a year now, but she never mentioned retaking her maiden name.

Okay, so they hadn't exactly talked in, well, at all. In fact, he hadn't seen her since after the Abydos mission.

"Let's get started. Colonel?" The General prompted him to start the briefing, which, considering where his thoughts were headed, he was grateful for.

The meeting commenced despite the now-palpable tension in the room, with two sides arguing over the proposed mission through the stargate: Sammuels contended the obvious dangers, while O'Neill supplied the practical and military bases. All grounds exhausted, their attention shifted toward the man at the head of the table. Pausing to thoroughly weigh the pros and cons argued by each faction, General Hammond announced his decision.

"I'll give you exactly 24 hours to either return or send a message through. No Kleenex boxes, please. Otherwise, we'll assume the worst and send a bomb through."

"Understood."

The small scenes of celebration - handshakes, triumphant grins - ceased as the General dismissed them, the table's inhabitants rising and dispersing into different directions.

All, that is, but two.

All thoughts of celebration evaporated from Jack's mind, whose opinion of the mission had disintegrated since beginning the briefing. Positioned on opposite sides of the briefing table, the taut figures remained, frozen in an unflinching standoff.

"What are you doing here?"

Her face noticeably cringed at his coldness, but recovered quickly. "Nice to see you, too, Jack."

Frustrated - at himself for his cold delivery, and at her for continuously misconstruing everything he said - he again spoke, his distance intact. "You know what I mean."

"No, Jack, don't think I do." And so the challenge began. Experienced enough to recognize his mounting frustration, she threw the first punch in an attempt to depose his grating stubbornness.

It worked.

"What ...are ...you ... do-ing ...at a ... top-sec-ret ... mil-it-ary ... base?" He asked, pronouncing each syllable slowly, the words oozing with condescension.

'You expected this,' Carter repeated like a mantra. She learned from her phone call to Cheyenne Mountain before boarding the plane that he had returned from retirement, with the intention that he command the second Abydos mission, if approved by the General. The entire flight, she readied herself for the unavoidable confrontation, conscious that her appearance would be both surprising and unwelcome. Seeing her on his turf would not come easy for him. So many things had changed over the past two years between them, ever since Charlie ...

She refused to go there. She had every right to be here, if not more. Yes, he went through the first time, a mission she should've been on, but he would not deny her the right this time. And he would try ... hard. That Jack O'Neill was a stubborn man she knew oh too well. But he wouldn't win ...

... she wouldn't let him.

"I've been working at Cheyenne Mountain as a civilian scientist, for the Air Force, studying the Stargate and its technology. Between here and the Pentagon, I've worked for over two years to make this program a reality. So, the question is, what are *you* doing here?"

He was speechless. Two years? That would be right after Charlie ...

Nope, not possible. True, he joined the stargate project only after Daniel cracked the code and it was decided to send a team through. Up till now, he deemed himself an authority on the gate, having commanded the first team and all. And, in that time, he'd neither seen nor heard of her anywhere near the project. "Wait a minute, two years? I haven't seen ..."

"You retired, remember? Or, I guess I should say 'were retired.'"

"Noticed that, huh?"

"Yeah. Also noticed that not much has changed."

The torrent of emotions drenched them, the flood rendering them temporarily wordless. Almost a year had elapsed since last alone together, and it only served to fuel the always-present fire ... flames of love and passion, friendship and trust. But the fire burned differently now ... they were different.

"Speaking of change ... Dr. *Carter*?"

"That wasn't my decision."

"Maybe." Damn if it didn't still hurt, no matter how many times he heard it. He couldn't decide what was worse: that she changed her name, the final nail in severing all ties to him and their life together; or that they couldn't hold a single conversation without quarrelling. Right now, they were neck and neck. "You still haven't answered my question."

"I'm here for the briefing, for the mission to Abydos. I've been assigned to your team..."

"Yeah, *my* team. And you're not on it." His hardened command tone resurfaced, alerting her to his decision ... she was off the team. No argument from her would sway him otherwise.

She recognized the tone, warning of his resolve, but she refused to back down. She was not his subordinate, and wouldn't be dismissed so easily. Besides, the decision wasn't his to make.

"Excuse me?"

"You're not going on this mission."

"Jack ..."

"That's *Colonel* O'Neill, as in commander of this mission. And as such, you are not going."

"It's not your decision."

His pitch intensified, as did his determination. Ill-equipped for combat, she would encumber the mission, he reasoned; and holding them back would endanger the whole team. "You're not qualified."

"*General* *Hammond* doesn't seem to agree." Her calculated emphasis on his name and rank offered as a reminder that this wasn't his call.

"*General* *Hammond* wasn't there on Abydos. I was, and trust me, you're not qualified." So wrapped up in the weight of his inflamed words, she missed the slight catch in his voice, a small hiccup that exposed the raw core beneath his determination ... fear. Thoughts, however short-lived, emerged, and they frightened him ... thoughts about the danger; about his need to ensure her safety; about how, no matter how good of a soldier, he couldn't protect her every second; about how if anything happened ...

"Let's get one thing straight here, *Colonel*. I am not some Barbie doll that cries at the break of a nail. I have seen combat situations before, and know how to handle myself. I am also the only person qualified to get your ass back should any problems arise with the Stargate. And you may be the ranking officer on this assignment, but you are not the ranking officer of this facility. You're letting your personal feelings..."

"Whoa! Hold on there." Realizing he yelled that last outburst, he apprehensively looked around, confirming they hadn't attracted any unwanted attention. He certainly didn't want to cause a scene, especially with the General's office next door. But she'd crossed the line by accusing him of letting his personal feelings affect him professionally. If anything, their argument only solidified his grounds against her going. Checking his voice, he continued in a controlled tone, talking firmly just above a whisper. "I am not basing my decision on personal feelings. And you may have been an officer once, but that was a long time ago."

She'd crossed the line, and she knew it. Questioning Jack's professional integrity definitely wouldn't win any arguments. But this project was important to her ... why couldn't he see that? The man she married, the one who knew her better than anyone, would have. But not now. Those two people didn't exist anymore, and the sooner she realized that ...

"Dammit, Jack. You have no idea what this means to me, do you? This project has been my life for the past two years. And if you cared for me at all, you would see that."

Silence devoured the room, its toxicity stifling the air between them. Piercing eyes rummaged the other for an answer, one that had nothing to do with gate travel or alien technologies ... eyes that failed to notice they were no longer alone.

"Colonel, Doctor. I would like a word with both of you in my office." General Hammond requested firmly, and then turned back toward his office, confident the two colleagues would heed his request. However, neither withdrew from the table; neither willing to forfeit the fight. Nonetheless, the 'neither time nor place' cliché kicked in, causing their standoff to steadily collapse. O'Neill budged first, extending his arm toward the office, motioning Sam to go before him. Her eyes shifted toward the floor as she preceded him, her head soon following suit. Exhaling a frustrated sigh, he followed her trail, closing the door behind him upon entering the General's office.

"Please, sit down."

The pair sat in the brown chairs across the General's desk, their present posture doing little to lessen the friction. Hammond wasted no time in getting straight to the point.

"Upon word that another team would be sent through the Stargate, I weighed heavily upon choosing the members that would join this mission. Colonel, your years of experience and training far outweigh any other officer considered. Your experience and knowledge of Abydos makes you invaluable to the success of this mission. And Doctor, as the leading expert on the Stargate, as well as a brilliant astrophysicist, your knowledge and expertise may prove vital for this team should anything occur on Abydos. Having said this, I am also well aware of your personal relationship, a relationship that would normally prohibit such a teaming."

Hammond paused momentarily, a feeble sigh escaping his lips as he studied the pair before him. He knew their situation well, having seen them years ago in happier times.

And sometimes he hated his job.

But he discovered long ago how easily personal feelings could undermine a team. And this was perhaps the most important operation Earth ever endeavored. He just hoped that his two finest would be on that mission.

Heaven knew they needed it.

"Nonetheless, in these unusual circumstances, I believe that rule can, and should be, bent for the sake of this mission. However, if either of you feel that your personal feelings will interfere in your abilities while on this mission, I want to know now."

Sam's heart clenched at the question, realizing it granted Jack the opportunity to rescind her appointment to the team. An affirmative answer from either meant eliminating one of them from the mission. His extensive training and field experience, added to the fact he led the original team, outweighed her position as an authority on the gate. Her knowledge and ability were valuable, but not indispensable ... after all, they succeeded the first time. Sam writhed with anxiety, knowing Jack wanted her off the team, but yet he said nothing ...

Because a turbulent battle imprisoned Jack's mind. Despite his composed exterior, two choices wrestled frantically, each vying for dominance. Tell Hammond he thought her unfit for duty, therefore possibly impeding the team ... and he would lose her trust, not to mention break her heart - again.

Or, say nothing, confirm her place on the mission, risking her life ... and he could lose her, forever.

Abruptly, the warring skidded to a stop, curbed by the memory of her eyes - wide and blue, highlighted with a glint of exhilaration and passion. He realized that, whatever the consequences, he couldn't destroy her dream ...

... that would be worse than death.

"No, sir."

Jack's reply stunned her beyond belief - and speech apparently - as the General prodded her for a response.

"Doctor?"

"Uh, no ... sir."

"Good. Get geared up. You leave in an hour. Dismissed."

The two teammates rose from their chairs and advanced toward the door. Once exiting the room, Sam turned in the direction of the locker room, eager to begin the adventure of her life. But not even her excitement could overlook the second chance she'd received from the same man who had earlier threatened it. Jack O'Neill was never good at caving in, especially when he thought he was right.

But he wasn't. She'd prepared herself for this from the moment she joined the project. She could do this, she knew it. Now she just needed to prove that to him.

Sensing him behind her, she softly muttered, "Thank you, Jack. You won't regret this."

Her hurried feet resumed their path, not waiting for a response. She had much to prepare, and not a lot of time to do it.

But he remained, cemented in his place, his immovable eyes solemnly watching as she walked away.

"Yeah. I hope you're right."

******

'That could've been better.'

O'Neill bent over to tie his shoes, replaying the failed mission in his mind. The briefing, well, sucked ... they failed in apprehending the hostile; a fight ensued that resulted in several deaths; one of his men was down; Skaara had been kidnapped ... not the makings of an enjoyable briefing. Afterwards, Jack beelined for the locker room, longing to shower and head home.

Thrusting his coat under his arm, he slammed the locker shut, briskly trudging into the corridor and toward the surface. Skaara, he thought sorrowfully, was a prisoner of a war that was just beginning. But he vowed to find him. Skaara had reawakened in him something lost after losing his son - his sense of honor, of duty, both which he believed was lost to him forever. It was to them he owed being here, Skaara and Daniel.

Damn ... Daniel. He remembered the first time they met, the memory eliciting a most-welcome smile. He had written Dr. Jackson off immediately. A scientist, Daniel's every action annoyed him. He saw no other use for him other than to get them home. And when he couldn't ... well, it launched them on the adventure of a lifetime. And when offered Sha're ... poor Daniel, he didn't know what hit him. But he recovered, quite well from what he remembered of their last kiss, and now this.

Pulling on his coat, O'Neill's feet accelerated the pace, his current thinking reminding him more and more of how much he wanted out of there, and it motivated his tired body to move. Nearing the corridor to the elevator, however, his eyes encountered a familiar figure. He altered his course, sauntering over to the figure slouched against the wall.

Unsure how to approach him, Jack chose the traditional, "Hey," accompanied by the guy-essential thud on the arm. Daniel glanced to the side and, in seeing Jack there, stated pitifully.

"They don't know what to do with me, and I don't know what to do with myself."

Jack studied his slouched figure warily, and he felt helpless - a feeling that topped his most hated list ... well, at least in the top five. Pain, now that would be number one. Of course, there was always grief, which pretty much made pain the runner-up. Loneliness always made it on the most-hated feelings list ...

He needed action, they both did, and he knew exactly what to do.

"Come on ... let's get out of here."

Dejected and tired, Daniel stared after him, twisting his head to peer down the corridor, wondering whether he'd heard Jack right. O'Neill paused halfway, checking that Daniel followed him. At Jack's impatient shrug, Daniel hesitantly proceeded, then quickened his pace, relief encouraging each step. Since returning, he was greeted with an irritated general and ample stares. Jack's invitation was the first welcome he'd received, and despite himself he followed, the need for companionship and distraction overwhelming him.

During the short drive, Daniel relayed stories from his year on Abydos, beginning with the events transpiring after Jack left. Arriving at his house, O'Neill invited him inside, immediately offering him a beer, to which Daniel eagerly accepted. He wasn't prone to drinking ... in fact, he didn't much care for it. But alcohol was always good for distraction. Jack excused himself to the kitchen, leaving Daniel with nothing else to do but to examine his surroundings. A modest house, simple and cozy ... interesting décor, very masculine, very ...

Quickly, Daniel seized his handkerchief, once again suffering the ill effects of sinuses.

"Nice catch." O'Neill wryly remarked, arriving just as Daniel's sneezing fit began.

"Thank you," Daniel replied in between blowing his nose. "Gate travel always seems to make my allergies ... sorry."

Whether from years of military training or from purely being a smart ass, Jack O'Neill undoubtedly knew how to express impatience, an attribute Daniel was swiftly learning. He grasped the extended beer, watching as O'Neill backtracked toward the kitchen, plopping himself down on the sofa.

"So you were saying?" Jack twisted the cap from the bottle, tossing it across his body, aiming for the coffee table, but missing his target. Daniel took the cue, resuming their previous conversation from the car.

"Anyway, as soon as you were gone, they realized they were free. I mean Abydos was, was their world for the taking." Daniel smiled at the memory. Finding the bomb, revealing the true reason for their mission, he had feared they would destroy the gentle, agreeable people. But ultimately, they saved them, helped them achieve their freedom from an oppressing 'god.'

"Have a little party, did ya?"

"Oh yeah, big, big party. They treated me like their savior. It was, um ... embarrassing." Daniel understood their gratitude, but never sought their idolization. To sanction that would only cultivate their worship of false gods, and they'd fought too hard to belie their achievement. No, he simply wanted to live among them, to build a life with Sha're, to observe the advent of their freedom.

"It's amazing you turned out so normal."

"Well, if it wasn't for Sha're I'd probably ..." The recollection physically pained him. He'd succeeded in squelching the anguish, relegating it to the background. Thus far this evening, he'd only recalled those memories that excluded Sha're, separating emotion from the images to remain composed and detached. But, as his love for her was inevitable, so too were the onset of the emotions she roused. Any reflection of the previous year, any ember of happiness, would eventually lead to her.

He shifted to the chair, finding solace in its luxury. "She was the complete opposite of everyone else. She practically fell on the floor laughing every time I tried to do some chore they all took for granted, like, um, grinding yafeta flour. I mean, have you ever tried to grind your own flour?"

"I'm trying to kick the flour thing." O'Neill sensed Daniel's anguish ... pretty hard not to. O'Neill felt for the guy ... he'd certainly endured his share of heartache in the past, so he knew the last thing Daniel needed was pity or soft words. Instead, he listened, even when Jackson rambled on, and used his humor to deflect his melancholy. And at least Daniel laughed, but whether from the last comment or from his frazzled nerves he couldn't tell.

"This is going straight to my head. What time is it anyway? I must have gate-lag or something."

"Daniel, for cryin out loud, you've only had one beer. You're a cheaper date than my wife was."

A light bulb clicked ... his wife, Jack had a wife. Man, he'd forgotten. Considering the past 24 hours, however, he'd hardly thought about anything, or anyone, else. Jack was married ... okay, separated, but still legally bound. "Yes, when am I going to meet your wife?"

For the first time, Daniel saw Jack stammer. Mouthing a response, but emitting no sound, Jack finally found his voice. "Oh, well, um ... you kinda already have."

"No, I don't think I ..." He hadn't. Jack had to be mistaken. Their brief relationship, if one could call it that, revolved around the stargate. Rarely did conversation traverse the professional barrier. Intensely private, Jack avoided talking about himself. Actually, it astounded Daniel at how much he knew already.

"Carter." Jack snapped hastily, really not wanting to broach this topic. Preferring to leave it at that, he hoped beyond hell that Daniel comprehended. But his puzzled expression quashed all aspirations, forcing him to continue. "Doctor Samantha Carter, as in formerly known as Doctor Samantha O'Neill."

Daniel's mouth hung open, so agape with surprise he swore it dangled to the floor. His head clambered to fathom that the bright-eyed, young woman he met on Abydos was Jack's wife. Not to belittle Jack ... they just never gave any indication they were married. Hell, the way they behaved, you'd think them strangers. They certainly had the professional act down. To his credit, Daniel somehow managed to engineer a response ... fumbled and wholly inarticulate, but words nonetheless. "Oh. I, uh ... formerly?"

"After I came back from Abydos the first time, we, um, finalized the divorce." Jack was astonished how naturally his admission came. He never talked about their relationship with anyone aside from Kawalsky; and even then, he only divulged facts, never emotions.

"I'm sorry." Daniel bowed his head, his trite reply sounding hollow. But O'Neill continued unfazed.

"Yeah, so was I." And he was, more than he could say ... literally. Sorry, but not surprised. They'd been separated so long, it was just a matter of time. They'd barely seen each other since the funeral; even their divorce occurred without them actually seeing each other.

"Must be awkward, having her on your team."

"Ya think?" The sarcastic remark unconsciously slipped past his lips.

"Well, I mean, if it is ... awkward, then why allow her on your team?" "I didn't really have much choice, Daniel." O'Neill lied, pretending that he hadn't allowed it, that it wasn't his choice in the end. "The General appointed her. Apparently, she's the leading authority on the stargate. Not surprising, though, she always was a think tank. Besides," he added shakily, "I couldn't just take it away from her ... I've taken enough."

Jack's openness struck Daniel ... he never imagined they'd be spilling their guts in O'Neill's living room. Not that he was wearing his heart on his sleeve, but this was as open and vulnerable as Jack got.

"Look, this may be none of my business, and I know I've only just met her, but I hardly think she blames you for ..." The notion that a long and evidently happy relationship ended, although understandable given the circumstances, dismayed him. Dr. Carter struck him as a caring woman ... a woman who would, and probably did, support him through thick and thin. If their relationship couldn't survive, what did that mean for his relationship? "I mean, things happen, sometimes horrible things, and neither one can control them, neither one is to blame. You loved each other for a long time, surely that doesn't just disappear."

"Yeah," Jack answered meagerly. He caught Daniel's meaning, understanding it had nothing to do with his relationship with Sam. So Jack molded his reply, in his mind, to assure Daniel that Sha're would be okay. Yet only one impotent word trickled from his lips, unable to muster a more sympathetic response ... not when, in his situation, love didn't conquer all, that most horrid of all clichés. Twelve wonderful, happy years together, the happiest he'd had or will ever have.

Tragedy had struck, and their relationship toppled in the strain.

So he couldn't, because to pretend anything else would only deepen the hurt already there, buried deep.

******

Ah, coffee! Nectar of the gods ...

Well, not *those* gods. Not that he considered them gods; they merely appropriated the identity of deities from ancient cultures. And besides, mass cultivation of coffee didn't begin until around the 15th century, so he doubted whether those 'gods' even knew what coffee was.

No wonder they needed a sarcophagus.

But, then again, the actual time and location of coffee's origins are unknown. Some scholars posited its first cultivation in Arabia around the early 600's. So, unless there are gates other than the one found at Giza ...

This was sad - desperate - beyond desperate ... obviously. Prattling on about the very thing he was trying to forget!

Contemplating the possibility of coffee cultivation by Goa'ulds?

Man, did he need a diversion.

No. What he really needed was action. But, somehow, ramming through the gateroom like some testosterone-impaired Rambo seemed out of the question.

So, he turned to coffee.

Its invigorating scent he could distinguish a mile away. Truly the only luxury he missed on Abydos ... well, that and dental hygiene. The tissues they sent were great, but the material the Abydonians manipulated for clothing worked just as well. Now, a toothbrush and toothpaste ... and he would've been in heaven.

He thought of writing that on the kleenex box, but not enough room.

Daniel coasted through the commissary doors, and immediately aimed for the coffee carafes. But, as much as he needed it right now, this sad-excuse of a coffee break was just as much about distracting himself as downing his beloved java ... something to sidetrack his traumatized brain from this eternal nightmare ... to fool himself that he didn't miss her every second.

And the commissary, teeming with people, seemed the ideal spot - where there's food, there's people, and someone among them he was bound to know. Not that he knew many people on base; in truth, he felt just as much the outsider as he had over a year ago. But he was different then ... a young, passionate archeologist engaged in a top-secret project involving alien technology and space travel.

Talk about distraction.

But that was old news now. Now, the stargate project only existed in his mind as the means to find Sha're. Which only left him the gut-wrenching feeling of waiting ... waiting for some word, waiting for the call to action.

'So much for distraction,' he mused to himself. He tipped the carafe, the dark coffee flooding the austere mug, the steam faintly misting his glasses. With a breathless sigh, he hoisted the cup before pointing his defeated body toward the exit, stopping when he spotted a familiar face - or rather head considering it faced downward, apparently reading something. He modified his path, heading over to her table.

"Um, Doctor? Hi. Am I, uh, interrupting?" Daniel added politely, knowing full well he was. He leaned on the chair beneath him like a crutch, one hand steadying the coffee mug, while the other trusted the seat for support.

"No. Please." She motioned for him to sit across from her. "And it's Sam."

"Okay, then, uh, Daniel." Sam nodded, her amiable grin alleviating his hesitation. Whatever his doubts about interrupting her, her delighted complexion reassured him ... she was glad for his company. A shadow shortly beset her eyes, raiding them of their previous luminance. Judging by her altered expression, he braced himself for the question he knew was coming.

"How are you doing?"

Ahhhh!!!

Twenty minutes ago he swore that if anyone else asked him that same question he would scream. But seeing how they just met only two days ago, he hardly thought it appropriate. Besides, he wasn't upset with her, only the situation. To be honest, he felt an inexplicable connection with her, a sisterly bond if you will - not that he had one to base this on. But, in their brief acquaintance, he sensed within her a deep friendship ... her genuine concern only proved that. In kind, he chose a genuine answer.

"Uh, well ... horrible. My mind races, and I can't stop thinking about Sha're ... where she is, what she's become."

Arising from her chair, Sam proceeded to the nearest wall and whacked her head against it, several times, the intensity escalating with each hit ...

... well, at least in her mind. Instead, she resisted the urge to knock herself senseless. Not that she needed to butt her head against the wall for that, she quipped.

But it sure sounded tempting.

After all, across from her sat a person she'd wanted to meet for a year now - the man who cracked the stargate, not to mention the only scientist she heard Jack speak highly of. Earning words of respect from Jack was no easy task, and certainly said much about his character. And she ruined her chance by reminding him of the very thing he probably came here to forget.

'Nice one, Sam, rub more salt in the wound.' Berating herself for her insensitivity, she admitted that sometimes her intelligence didn't translate well into the social graces.

At a loss for a response, her downcast eyes looked anywhere but ahead, scrabbling for a way to extricate herself from the hole she dug. The usual suspects would sound insincere and trite; she recalled how barren and hollow the standard condolences sounded to her after Charlie died. If she had a dollar for every 'I'm sorry' ...

"I know."

Okay, it wasn't Shakespeare, but it made up in openness and sincerity what it lacked in sophistication - a means to extend the proverbial shoulder if he needed it.

It obviously worked.

His mournful eyes snapped up from his coffee mug, an almost apologetic look stealing his features. "To be honest, I came here to distract myself, to stop thinking for a while."

"Oh, sorry." Daniel hadn't intended that as an 'I would be fine if everyone just left me alone' warning, but she nonetheless mistook his meaning. Her face confessed her embarrassment and self-reprimand for meddling ... the second time within twenty seconds she mentally thrashed her head against the wall. Daniel only thought it more endearing, and, as such, gave her a brief apologetic smile before changing the subject.

"So, what was I, uh, interrupting?"

Her smile returned, albeit a self-conscious one. "Oh, just reviewing the preliminary results from the dialing computer."

A twinkle had resurfaced in his eyes before she could say "results" - this information without doubt grabbed his attention. He quickly put two and two together ... results from the dialing computer meant a gate address, and another gate address meant they were a step closer to finding Sha're.

"And?"

"A-n-d," she drew out, "it punched out two coordinates, two gate addresses."

The lines of worry that creased his face the past few days visibly lifted with the prospect of locating Sha're. Daniel applauded himself -- although he hadn't expected it, this impromptu trip actually succeeded in boosting his spirits.

"You're kidding. This is great news."

His alteration in mood warmed her heart. Sam loved helping others, even if a little. The challenge and mystery of unraveling an alien technology originally lured her to the program, and it thrilled her like nothing else. And, she admitted, like Daniel, at the time, she was looking for distraction ... she needed a distraction.

But since going to Abydos, and subsequently meeting Daniel, her involvement assumed a significantly more human appeal. The people of Abydos matched the description from the mission log ... benevolent, humble, hospitable. Now the memory of those lost, including Sha're, fueled her determination.

She also didn't want to mislead him. It was good news, yes, but it by no means signaled another mission ... she just hated being the messenger.

"Yeah, well, General Hammond is reviewing the results, and will make the determination whether to send a team through."

Although he respected her caution, he refused to let it deter his optimism. "I know, but it's still ... news. And it took less time to spit out coordinates than predicted."

"Well, I've been fine-tuning the programming, experimenting with ways to expedite the results. It was hard at first, compensating for our lack of a Dial Home Device. We're not there yet, but it's coming along faster than anticipated. Of course, after that first mission, we didn't have much choice." She suddenly stopped and, without thought, emitted a faint, "Sorry."

"What," he stumbled, unsure why she apologized. But then, at her look of embarrassment, he guessed that she misinterpreted his meditative gaze as boredom - or worse - irritation. "Oh, no, I wasn't ... I was just thinking. Sam, you've been a part of this since the beginning, right? I mean, at least it seems that way ... the dialing computer, the probes."

"Yeah, I suppose. So ..."

"So ... where were you?"

"What?"

"On the first mission." Despite her now-bruised expression, he prodded on, his curiosity too overwhelming. Why would the person most responsible for making this project happen not be there when it ... happened? "I mean, you, uh, obviously worked very hard on this project. I would think you would've wanted to go through yourself."

"Oh, I, uh, was in Washington. I didn't learn of the mission until after you went through." Unaffected, robotic almost, she opted for a professional response, one purposely devoid of any detail, praying he'd be satisfied with her half answer. But, deep down, she knew it wouldn't work. Daniel deciphered the stargate, after all, and a person couldn't accomplish that if they gave up easily.

She was right ... he didn't buy it.

"Wha ... how could you not know?" He asked ardently. "I mean, I was there for a month translating the hieroglyphics."

Succumbing to the increasing weight of his questioning, her head shot downwards, her mind debating whether to tell him the truth. She hadn't known ... she didn't lie about that. But should she answer honestly, or give a more politic story? Sam presumed herself a good judge of character, a trait she typically relied on during times of indecision. So she chose to base her decision on her instincts.

She opted for the truth.

"They thought it best, under the circumstances, or so I was told."

"What circumstances? I don't ..."

"You knew about the bomb."

Ah ... that. So she knew, which suggested that she either gathered it from the mission report, or that she knew the plan all along.

He hoped it was the former.

"No ... well, um, at least not at first. I thought, blindly it seems, that we traveled as peaceful explorers, our objective to discover the fate of our ancestors, to learn about our past and, and our future. I didn't find out the real reason till later, after the attack by Ra. But, what does that have to do ..."

"Daniel," she blocked him, frustrated at the need for spelling it out. She was certain he knew about her relationship with Jack. But for whatever reason, he hadn't made the connection ... she'd have to make it for him. "Jack led the team. He was - recruited - specifically for that mission. They knew exactly what they intended to do if you got the gate working. Apparently, so did he. They would hardly want me along for that."

Oh god. He'd forgotten about that, not about the bomb or the 'secret' mission objective, but about the motive behind Jack's involvement. And, like a tactless idiot, he pressed her to spell it out. Her eyes were enshrouded with a hurt and sadness he'd seen mirrored in Jack's eyes not more than 24 hours ago. Two pieces of the same puzzle ... two pieces that clearly belonged together, but were too wounded and too stubborn to connect.

But he'd forgotten because Jack was so not like that now. Perhaps she only remembered how Jack had been before Abydos, shattered and inconsolable. Perhaps she hadn't seen how that mission had changed him. In fact, Daniel was certain that, if offered again, Jack wouldn't accept it.

He wondered if she knew that.

"I don't know if you've noticed, but, um, he's not the same person he was then ... he's changed."

"That's just it, Daniel, he hasn't." Her immediate response caused Daniel to question himself ... had he overstepped his bounds, meddling in her personal business? But one look at her melancholic expression said otherwise. He unfolded his arm, stretching it across the table until his hand landed tenderly on her arm. The movement compelled her head upward, her eyes finding his.

"He's changed."

"Maybe. Maybe he has." She conceded, but then added sadly, "But we haven't."

******

The General continued debriefing the President despite the rhythmic knocking on his office door. Soon after, his 2IC appeared around the door, tilting his head slightly to request permission to enter the room.

Rather than answering with the prompted "two bits," Hammond opted for a brief nod. O'Neill stood pensively with his hands in his pockets, waiting for the General to wrap up his conversation.

"I will, sir. Thank you." The General released the phone from his ear, resting it in its cradle. Releasing a small sigh, he glanced up to the subordinate before him as he rocked on his heels.

The picture made Hammond chuckle; he could list several generals who would find such behavior insubordinate. But Hammond found his individuality refreshing: O'Neill had no air about him. He admired his passion and down-to-earth appeal; attributes that, although somewhat contradictory to military convention, made him a superior officer.

"Informing the President about our pesky solicitors, sir?" The General found himself again amused at O'Neill's sense of humor.

"I notified him that, although the attacks continue, they are occurring less frequently, and that I'm assured the iris will withstand any threat."

"Ah. I take it that's not the reason you asked to see me." Jack cut to the quick, just as the day they met. Jack O'Neill was a lot of things, but patient wasn't one of them. Hammond motioned for the Colonel to take a seat opposite his desk, only continuing after O'Neill was comfortably situated.

Hammond stalled for another reason: he was uncertain as to how Jack would respond to his news regarding Dr. Carter.

On one hand, Jack might feel relieved, especially since the General had the distinct impression that O'Neill had wanted to dispute her appointment in their previous meeting.

On the other, O'Neill hadn't protested, and, by all accounts, the two apparently worked well together.

His gut instinct, however, told him that Jack wouldn't like it, not one bit.

"Colonel, I've asked you here to inform you that Dr. Carter has requested to be removed from SG1."

Disbelief hit O'Neill first ... never had he anticipated she would petition for removal from the team. Next came worry ... maybe working together proved too taxing, or, worse yet, maybe he did something to cause this.

But, for Hammond, his question remained unanswered as he analyzed Jack's stonewalled face, his statement betraying no hint of either anger or reprieve. 'Man's got a good poker face,' Hammond noted to himself. Irregardless, Hammond was prepared for his next question.

"May I ask why, sir?"

"Though not a permanent placement, she feels her skills are better served on base. She will head our Scientific and Technology Research team, which will analyze any alien technologies procured through our gate travel."

"I see."

Translation ... he didn't buy it.

No one who raised that much of a stink when he questioned her placement on the team would withdraw because she received a better offer on base. He had observed her in the field, and he had noticed how her eyes were lit with excitement and adventure. What's a computer and a few trinkets compared to exploring other planets? No, he knew there was something else, something she obviously didn't tell the General.

As did Hammond, who had felt obligated to approve her request regardless. Also was he aware that Jack hadn't swallowed the explanation any more than he did: his two-word reply spoke volumes, baring the emotion his body language wouldn't divulge.

Nonetheless, Hammond sought to assure him that her choice had nothing to do with him, even if he himself couldn't be certain. He, too, saw the amazement that exuded from her the past few days. But, she was also a dedicated scientist who delighted in new mysteries. He realized that her new job would provide just as much challenge, if not as much excitement.

"It's nothing personal, Colonel. In fact, I was impressed at how well you two worked together. That's why, despite the unusual personal relationship you have, I will allow Dr. Carter to travel on missions where her expertise will be needed. But ..." His next few words, an almost-warning, were not necessary, he knew - he didn't have to explain himself or his decision. But, his heart went out to the man, and he understood that, if he were in his shoes, he'd want to know. "But, be aware, that these will not be SG1 missions exclusively."

O'Neill really did not like that, the suggestion of her traveling on dangerous missions without him. No one could safeguard her like he could, nor would he trust anyone to. "Actually, sir, if she were to travel off-world, I would prefer SG1 accompany her."

Hammond slipped a sympathetic smile. "I understand, son. But there are nine other teams at this facility, and her expertise will be needed by all eventually."

Confused and defeated, O'Neill agitatedly awaited for this conversation to end. "Anything else, sir?"

"No. You're dismissed."

"Thank you." O'Neill threw over his shoulder as he darted out of the office, leaving a very empathetic General in his wake.

******

"Am I a prisoner?"

Jack swayed his body side to side, his eyes examining the embodiment of Teal'c's imprisonment. Ever since stepping through the steel door into Teal'c's - 'quarters' - he'd fretted this conversation. Nevertheless, he forced an answer because, at the very least, Teal'c deserved the truth.

He just hated the answer.

"Ah, yeah."

Teal'c returned his head to center, his eyes closing briefly the only sign of resignation to his predicament. "I understand."

Jack's head bobbed as his eyes locked on a target to his right. He moved leisurely, his relaxed demeanor donned to mask his escalating bitterness. "We're not exactly living up to your expectations of us, are we?" He tried to suppress the contempt in his voice and, for the most part, considering how he truly felt, he did a pretty good job. Because, just like Teal'c, he understood.

He just *really* hated it.

Whirling the chair around with one stroke, his body descended until connecting with the seat, his height now level with Teal'c. Hardened and metallic, the green chair failed to relieve any of his strain. But Jack nonetheless continued, his words as much an attempt to persuade himself as Teal'c.

Teal'c veered his head to the side; and, for the first time, both men faced each other. "You see, Teal'c, we've been living alone in our little corner of the galaxy for a while, and I think the people I work for just need to get to know you a little better. I mean, your knowledge of the Goa'uld alone makes them a little curious."

"I will give that knowledge freely."

Jack hadn't swallowed their logic, either. That *knowledge* personified the very reason for Teal'c to join the fight on the frontline, not be caged like some guinea pig in a lab thirty floors underground. And although O'Neill lacked the authority to stop it, he hadn't given up - not by a long shot. "Yeah, I know you will, and we'll put it to good use." Of that, he was damned sure.

"I will pledge allegiance to this world," Teal'c avowed, his conviction as stalwart as his countenance. And it amazed O'Neill, since their actions toward this new ally hardly proved them worthy of such loyalty. This undoubtedly was not what Jack anticipated when he asked Teal'c to escape with them - if he only knew then ...

O'Neill broke eye contact then, the burgeoning guilt over his friend's situation too overwhelming. His eyes roamed the floor before his arms took flight, accentuating his next point. "I'm just not sure that's ever going to be enough for them to trust you. To be honest with you, I think they're scared of you."

"I understand."

It wasn't hard to. One look at the big fella, and who wouldn't be scared? But that was the point - warriors were intimidating, otherwise they wouldn't be effective. Wasn't that partly why he spent years training in Special Ops?

And the continual scowl didn't help; in fact, Teal'c had yet to crack a smile, not that he had any reason to. O'Neill had tried, though, but soon discovered that he expended more time explaining the joke then telling it. They obviously didn't have many "A Jaffa walks into a bar" jokes on Chulak.

'Boy, are they missing out.'

Then there was the gold emblem-tattoo-thingy on his head. What exactly was that, anyway? A light reflector, perhaps, like what doctors wear in campy B-movies or soap operas? Maybe the Jaffa version of Indian Poker?

"You must be used to that by now, huh?"

"I am a Jaffa. I have served as a warrior for your enemy. I have carried your enemy within me."

"Yeah," he had worked that out himself. Still ... "Well, it's kind of a human thing. We tend to be afraid of things we don't know."

Teal'c remained silent, his contemplative eyes directed at the opposite wall. He crooked his head deliberately, his curious stare falling upon Jack. "Why is O'Neill not afraid?"

"Teal'c, I saw *you* stand up to a *god*," his response prompt and resolute. "You refused to kill. I saw you make that decision. In that moment, I learned everything I needed to know to trust you."

Seemingly unimpressed with the answer, Teal'c continued his scrutiny as if reading Jack effortlessly. "And what of Dr. Carter?"

Jack's eyes snapped forward to meet his, the question totally surprising him. "What?" Sam? What did Sam have to do with ...

Ah!

Great!

Teal'c had been here, what, 48 hours, and he already knew? 'What, are they covering it in briefings now?'

"You are afraid," Teal'c uttered, not as a question but as a fact.

"That's nonsen ..." Jack rushed in response, his pitch raised a few decibels, when he stopped.

Teal'c knew.

He didn't know how, but Teal'c saw within him in a matter of days what others couldn't see in years. With anyone else, that insight would unnerve him, but not with Teal'c. Somehow, he just felt - comfortable - around the guy. So he dropped the pretense, figuring Teal'c saw through it anyway. "Well, yeah," he pushed out meagerly, his head bowing in defeat. "It's complicated."

"Indeed."

A small snort escaped his lips, accompanied by a brusque tremor that coursed through his body. One little word, and yet it expressed so much; for some reason, that idea amused him. And Teal'c, he was learning, was a master - so few words, so much content.

Typically, now was the time O'Neill would slam down the defenses, and pitch some clever remark to deflect the attention away from him. This time, he realized it wouldn't work. And a small part of him was glad. It didn't make talking about it any easier, though.

"Amid times of war, the Goa'uld invoke the tradition of the Klimtar, an elite group of Jaffa that lead the army into battle. Only the best warriors from the Goa'uld's army are selected."

Ooo-kay. A little off-course, but distinctly more agreeable than the previous line of questioning ... so he played along. "Makes sense," he blurted, fixing Teal'c with his 'please-tell-me-this-is-going-somewhere' look.

"As First Prime of Apophis, it was my duty to select those Jaffa that would serve in the Klimtar. Many Jaffa believed those who served should be chosen for their strength and power. I did not share this view. I, too, chose warriors who demonstrated strength of conviction, of character, and of intellect. It is only by combining these traits that the Klimtar will achieve proper balance."

Sweet! Back to that. "Yeah. Look, that's real interesting, Teal'c, honestly. But it's not me." He had no idea how, because his face hadn't even twitched, but Jack somehow understood that Teal'c ... didn't. "*She* requested off the team."

Teal'c lifted his eyebrow in reaction, which O'Neill interpreted as surprise. 'Guess he doesn't buy it, either.' Yet again it astounded Jack at how much Teal'c could convey with such a minute gesture. 'Not to mention do a great Spock impersonation.'

"And you believe this to be the result of your actions regarding Dr. Carter?"

"Yes," he barked, then hastily added, "no ... I don't know." With the knot in his stomach twisting again, he blew out a jagged breath, its emotional weight painful to his lungs. "She'll go on some missions with SGC teams, including SG1, but her permanent assignment will be on-base."

"And this concerns you, O'Neill?"

'Oh for cryin' out ...'

"Yes!" he snapped. "And will you *please* stop channeling Barbara Walters on me here!"

There ... that was the 'brow' of confusion; he'd recognize it anywhere. 'Damn, this is better than charades.'

"I have long wished to rise up against the Goa'uld and free the Jaffa from their slavery. During my service as First Prime, I had seen many warriors challenge Apophis, but I had never seen one win. And, with each failure, my hope of one day overthrowing the Goa'uld diminished. Your team showed great skill and conviction on Chulak. It was only then that I, for the first time, believed that goal could someday be achieved."

Wow. "Why, thank you, Teal'c."

"Dr. Carter handled herself sufficiently on Chulak."

"Teal'c!" He'd had enough.

But Teal'c ignored him, determined to say his piece. "You question Dr. Carter's ability to handle herself in battle situations."

"No! Like you said, she did great. But ..."

"Then, have you not learned all that you need to know?"

**********

Mind control. He was one hundred percent ...

... uh, well ...

... ninety-nine percent certain that he used the tattoo for mind control. How else could he explain standing in the hallway, alone, outside her lab, for the past twenty minutes?

Okay, so maybe that little rap session with Teal'c played *some* part.

But he still bet on mind control.

He headed here after showering, the path practically preordained. And, ever since, he found himself in a holding pattern outside her lab, as if trapped by some kind of tractor beam.

He would take a small step forward, the new location granting him a peek of her through the cracked door. For the last, oh, twenty-one minutes, her body - perched over some computer gizmo or other - had not budged. Even from this distance, he could spot the wonderment alight in her eyes as she worked. From the moment they met, he had surrendered to her vitality, her love of life ... he'd been helpless from the start.

Sam was the most stunning woman he'd ever seen.

Still was.

And that thought instigated the next stage, where he abruptly stepped back, recoiling as if burned by fire. And then, unable to stand still, he began pacing, careful in his footpath not to breach the vicinity of the room.

Back and forth, like an expectant father.

'This is crazy!'

He didn't come here to burn a hole in the figurative carpet, and he certainly didn't come to make an ass out of himself. He came because Teal'c was right - or, at least, he was sure of that when he left Teal'c's room.

Ahh!

"Would you *stop* it!" He couldn't repress the exasperated growl; he hated indecision, and his seemed unrelenting.

"Sir?"

Altogether absorbed with his own musings, he had overlooked the young, and very befuddled, SF that had paused near him in the hallway several minutes ago. And he looked very ... concerned.

"Oh, um ... Tai-chi." He pointed to his feet, as if that explained everything. "It's all the rage," he shrugged. Notwithstanding the eloquent explanation, the subordinate's concern deepened, his face contorting with lines of worry.

Jack's eyes reeled back in resignation, his head then nodding in dismissal; the SF wasted no time in scooting down the passageway, still undecided about what he just witnessed.

Despite the unexpected - though much appreciated - interruption, the short-lived breather had afforded no resolution. But he'd had enough - it was now or never. Gritting his teeth, he hastily propelled his feet forward, eliminating the opportunity for his mind to dissuade him again.

But his outward appearance of cool, a countenance he'd practiced to perfection, couldn't stop his feet from tumbling when they crossed through the door, causing him to stumble until he collided with her lab table.

Very cool indeed.

"Hi." He tried for non-chalance - and failed miserably. Regaining his balance, Jack's eyes perused the room, frantically rummaging for something - anything - to look at that wasn't her. Problem was, in this room, there was too much distraction. Scrolling computer screens, flashing lights - with all the activity, his eyes were incapable of focusing on just one thing.

Sam looked on with mild amusement. Prior to his grand entrance, she herself had been spellbound with her work, engulfed in a pool of silence that was tainted only by the intermittent tapping of her keyboard. Startled by his entry, Sam had swiveled her chair, her head whipping tersely from the screen. Widened in shock, her eyes couldn't veil her mirth - he always did have that boyish charm.

As he recovered, Carter, too, schooled her features to match his own indifference.

"Hi." Despite her detachment running full force outside, inside her body tensed with apprehension. She knew why he was here, or at least had a pretty good idea. Jack didn't exactly make daily visits to her lab - in truth, he'd only popped in once, and only because he needed Daniel for something.

Her head told her it was for the best. Whenever together, alone or otherwise, their dialogue gradually degraded into argument - ugly and brutal.

Okay, this was it. His move. 'Just spit it out, O'Neill ... get it over with.'

"What ya working on?" His brain chickened out in the end. Besides, this approach was infinitely safer - she always loved talking about her work.

That, and he still had no idea what he was going to say.

Her eyes followed the path of his nod, spotting the object of his interest to her left. "Oh, the, um, dialing program." Sam could have expounded on that - the response already formulated in her head - but, in remembering her audience, she thought otherwise. That wasn't why he was here.

Her answer obviously shorter than he expected, Jack thrust his hands into his pockets ... 'what now?'

Now, there were two choices: carry on with some mundane nicety; or, get right to it, no more stalling. They'd arrive there eventually anyway, and, since she probably knew why he dropped by - she always could see right through him - why prolong it?

He inhaled a quiet breath, and elected to shove the words out with his exhale, crushing any chance for his mind to mutiny again. "I saw Hammond today. He told me about your request."

Phew. 'There, her turn.'

Thankful to forego with the pleasantries, her mind struggled for the proper words. She could imagine what he thought - he completely misunderstood, and blamed it on something he did.

Truth was, she didn't know herself. She just knew she had to do it. "Yeah. Jack, it's not what you ..."

"Look, it's your decision." O'Neill interrupted, waving his hands to bat away her explanation. He wasn't here to judge; he just wanted to assure her that, while he disagreed with it, he respected her decision. "I just ... I didn't want you to think that I wanted you off the team. I wouldn't have given you the chance to go if I ..."

*What*?

"Given *me* the chance?" She repeated slowly, disbelief building with each syllable. He still doubted her. How could he ...

No. How *dare* he? She'd worked hard for this, devoting her life to it the past two years. She had long since proven herself worthy. Sam shook her head in astonishment, the movement all she could muster through her agitation. "You haven't changed at all. Of all the arrogant, egotistical ... I earned the right to go on that mission long before you showed up. And when you did, *you* were the first thing to threaten it."

"Oh, here we go." He muttered under his breath, rolling his head exaggeratedly back toward the ceiling. He cursed himself for being so naïve - he should've known how this would end.

"*Excuse me*?" Her eyes, piercing with anger, never left his.

He purposely stepped forward, his tone rising with each small step. "Reality check. This is a military operation, *Doctor*. So, unless you've enlisted since we last met, you are not military and are, therefore, a guest of this facility. You may have lobbied for the program, and tweaked a few computers here and there, but that does not *entitle* you to travel through that gate." His body leaned over the table, one fist clenched tight to the cold tabletop, the other raised with a finger pointed in the direction of the stargate.

His wintry tone, although enough to make grown men cry - and had numerous times - only encouraged her. "There wouldn't be a gate to go through if not for me." She, too, slanted forward, her body hovering over the bench, while she hoisted her arm toward the gateroom, mocking his previous stance.

"And there wouldn't be a *planet* to come back to if not for *me*."

"Huh!"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means, if left to you, there wouldn't *be* a gate because you'd blow the thing to smithereens!"

"*That* is *exactly* what I mean!"

"You are so quick to discard me as unqualified." She said right over him, as if he had never spoken.

"Because ... you're not? Unless we're counting all that wining and dining of stuffed shirts you did in D.C. Don't seem to recall that in basic - but, hey, it's been a while." His unforgiving sarcasm just rolled off his tongue, his mind unwilling or unable to stop now. "That's it! Instead of bombing his ass to kingdom come, I should've taken Ra to a fancy restaurant - a few candles, nice romantic music, some wine, get him liquored up. Oh, yeah, he'd crack. Great plan, Carter! Gee, how did we ever manage without you?"

Sam's color drained from her face, her anger-stained cheeks now pallid. Her head shot downward, and her body faintly retreated from their current face-off.

Her withdrawal missed Jack completely; he remained where he stood, recalling from past experience that the blowout had yet to befall.

Nothing.

Her silence persisted, and it unnerved him. Sam never backed down from a fight, especially when it involved him.

"What?" He stated gruffly, still waiting for her ire to return. Something he said bothered her, but practically everything up to this point had that intention.

He never really meant to hurt her. But the maliciousness always surfaced, because he needed to draw her out; he needed her to unleash those emotions she locked inside, the ones that had nothing to do with the stargate, his selfishness, or her lack of combat training. They both knew; they just never discussed it, not since it happened - neither possessed enough courage to actually broach the subject. But he knew she blamed him ... for Charlie, for their crumpled marriage, for everything. But she bottled it inside, probably to spare him further pain, no doubt.

And he hated that.

"Nothing." He barely heard her whisper, her face still cast downwards.

"Oh, no, don't hold back on me now." He wanted her to say it, needed to hear she condemned him. He'd promised her to protect their family, and ultimately he was the one to destroy it. But, her damn compassion prevented her from revealing it.

He wanted none of it. He needed to know she hated him as much as he hated himself.

Damn her pity.

Sam finally faced him, her eyes tinged with humiliation. "It's just ... you called me Carter. Guess I'm not used to it." She shrugged, her discomfort growing exponentially under his heated gaze.

"Yeah, well, whose idea was that?" Jack's volume had decreased, but the venomous tone still lingered, although he was a bit shakier in his resolve. This was dangerously close to uncharted territory. And just as sure as he wanted to hear it, he was just as sure at how much he didn't.

"I never asked for a divorce." Her voice quivered, painfully aware of the route their argument had undertaken.

"Maybe not, but coming home one day to an empty house didn't exactly leave me with too many options."

"It wasn't just 'one day,' Jack," she countered softly, "and you know it." It was the truth - candid and raw.

And it hurt.

So he raised the defenses again, as well as his pitch. "Things get a little too rough for you? Huh? Did I not fit your image of an ideal husband? Sorry, *Carter*, but I don't stay within the lines for anyone. You of all people should know that."

Again, she spoke over him, a sure sign that she, too, had raised her defenses. And, for both, that meant attack. "What about you? It wasn't me flying off on some suicide mission across the galaxy. Maybe we should be talking about whether *you're* qualified!"

"It wasn't just 'flew off,' and you know it." Jack replied, mimicking her earlier line, except his was decidedly more frosty.

So, she knew. He figured she did after the initial shock of seeing her here wore off. He never thought she would, though. That had been the point.

But he was different then.

Then, he was still out of his mind with grief; he couldn't think or feel anything outside of his guilt or self-hatred. When they knocked on his door, he believed the mission would be his ticket to freedom - his removal from this harsh world and the even harsher reality he had created; a place where he couldn't feel anymore, and where thoughts and memories didn't exist. A small part of him even believed - hoped - he'd be with Charlie, wherever he was.

And Sam? He was doing her a favor. He'd go down a hero, and she'd never be told the whole story, which made it perfect. See, it was shame that stopped him night after night - Sam's shame. The thought of her finding him, and of her having to explain his death to their friends and family ... it was unthinkable. He couldn't do that to her.

So the Air Force appeared and offered him a better solution. He accepted, figuring the mission would do what he'd been unable to do himself. But he didn't give a damn about any of it - the stargate, the team, the planet. But, like the duty-bound soldier he'd proven to be his entire adult life, he fully intended to complete his mission.

He never envisioned that it would change him, though; he never imagined that anyone could penetrate his shell. But they did - Daniel, the Abydonians, Skaara.

Somewhere along the way, Jack's armor cracked. He set aside his personal anguish, and helped them fight against their oppressing 'god' - he'd accept whatever fate threw at him ... for them, to save them.

When they succeeded in the end, and his team returned through the gate minus one archeologist, his only thoughts were of Sam. But, when he finally drove home, she wasn't there ... and, although she left no note or message, and her clothes still lined the closets, he knew.

Which led to this.

And it shamed him, because she knew.

And yet she didn't.

Sure, she read the facts from the report, all the play-by-play action. But she would never learn from that report how a young boy reminded him of their lost son; how that boy and his people restored his sense of honor and purpose; how, when he believed he was about to die, the last thought that crossed his mind was how much he loved her, and would die without her.

No, not from a report. And so, she would never know, because he'd never tell her. He destroyed the only thing he loved ... his family. And he was hell-bent that no one would trust or love him again. He was unworthy of love ... he was unworthy of her.

"No, you're right, Jack. You left way before that."

Their dispute reached an all-time low, and Sam's conscious reprimanded her for sinking with it. His forlorn look prompted her to gaze anywhere but at him. When passing over the clock, her mind registered the time; she started at the realization. 'How time flies' she mused miserably.

Her heart ordered her to stay; they needed to talk this out, to determine how to work together. Then her sense of duty jerked in, forbidding her to shirk her responsibilities, even for Jack. The deciding vote, however, was neither heart nor duty, but fear: she feared continuing the conversation, scared that they were only capable of hurting each other. Feeling cowardly and ashamed, she bowed out nonetheless.

"Look, I, uh ... I have to meet Dr. Jackson for a meeting."

"Yeah, go, run. Just look me up whenever you need a good punching bag." The hostility engrained in his farewell facilitated her decision, and she disappeared around the corner without looking back.

Jack felt alone and terribly ashamed. They had to stop doing this to each other, but he didn't know how. It all pointed to a conversation they should've had a long time ago.

Question was ... would it be enough?

******

It was Sam.

That was the only logical explanation. She must have snuck in while he was stuck in the infirmary, signing off on the initial paperwork. She would've had plenty of time, as he'd been there a while ... too long, in fact.

He propped his somnolent body against the door, oblivious to the amount of time he'd been standing there. Ever since leaving the gateroom, he'd been moving on autopilot; the brief meeting with Hammond, the stop in the infirmary ... all done in a trance, as if hypnotized. And, in the end, his preprogrammed feet had steered him here - his quarters, where the last thing he recollected was kicking the door closed behind him with a sharp jerk of his foot.

Shaking off his disorientation, O'Neill tread further into the tiny space. The room was dark, the small fixture by the utilitarian bed providing the only light. The gray, unadorned walls, the dark-gray cement floor ... the room exuded no life, no personality. It was just ... cold.

He liked it that way ... it suited his mood.

He sensed his way around the room, his dejected body walking until his hands met the chair adjacent the generic table. Dropping into it, he slanted back in the seat, his eyes squeezing shut. Lifting his right leg to rest on his left, he untied the bootlaces; when finished, he released his leg, and used the other foot to kick the shoe off. He methodically proceeded with the left leg in the same manner. Once removed, he paused before undoing the buttons of his BDU jacket, his eyes still refusing to open. He tugged the jacket off, economically discarding it to the floor beside him. He pressed back further into the chair, the strong seat supporting his cumbersome weight.

Damn. What a day.

He unlocked his eyes before he could complete that thought. He would not get into this; he couldn't afford to ... not now. He needed to move, and keep moving. He thrust forward in the chair, plunging his torso over his knees as he removed his socks. Just as he yanked vigorously on the soft fabric, his eyes glanced upward.

That's when he noticed it.

He knew *what* it was - that much was obvious.

He knew *who* brought it here.

He had the *how* pretty much narrowed down.

The *why*? He didn't need to figure that out ... not after today.

What felt like days had actually only been hours as reality slowly crept in. His quarters where, not too long ago, he'd sprawled across the bed, staring up at the ceiling, before all hell had broken loose. What had he been thinking about, anyway? His brain must have blocked it out; that wasn't surprising, considering. Now, it would probably seem trivial in comparison.

He bolted upright in the chair, his hand wiping over his face as if it could cleanse the emotional grime from today's events. But it couldn't - because, unlike physical grime, this dirt lie underneath, where no cleanser could reach.

Ferretti was gone.

Damn.

Jack couldn't believe it; he couldn't will his mind to grasp that fact ... not yet. Not when, twenty-four hours ago, he had settled by Louis' bedside ...

'When am I gonna talk about it Jack, this could be my last conversation?'

'Oh for crying out loud, it's not your last conversation.'

... and endeavored to shake him from his pessimism.

'Listen, I gotta ask you something. It's not easy for me ... If you don't make it, can I have your stereo?'

He squeezed his eyes shut at the memory, tormenting himself with doubts and what-if's. It's what he did, to find humor, even in the darkest of times. And, usually, that was his one comfort.

But, not today.

Today, he only felt guilty. Not that Ferretti hadn't needed the laugh, especially given the circumstances, and the somber note their conversation had taken. But, because it hadn't been his only motivation. Maybe, just maybe, he'd done it out of a more selfish need, because he couldn't talk about emotions, not after the row he had just exchanged with Sam. No, he couldn't lie to himself now that it was purely for Ferretti.

"Don't. Just ... let him go," Jack heard her say, faintly, as he exited the gateroom. He knew someone - and he suspected Daniel - had tried to follow him. Damn, but she knew him well. It may seem astonishing, but even after all this time that fact still surprised him. But it did little to comfort him; in fact, it dug the pain deeper, conjuring up all the repressed emotions he usually controlled so well.

He'd forgotten that Ferretti had hurt Sam, or perhaps he just tried to forget. She'd been in the control room when the Goa'uld took him over. Jack remembered her eyes - large and frightened - as Ferretti seized her from behind, holding her hostage as he backpedaled toward the stargate. Powerless to stop him, O'Neill watched the elevator doors shut; he pushed his feet to their limit, racing to meet the elevator when it opened. His nightmare born into reality, Jack saw Sam's motionless body slumped against the back wall.