TITLE: Things You Keep Inside

AUTHOR: SelDear

EMAIL: SelDear

SUMMARY: Some things you just keep inside and never let out.

CATEGORY: Hurt-Comfort, Missing Scene/Epilogue, Vignette, Series

SPOILERS: 'Secrets'

SEASON/SEQUEL INFO: Sequel to 'Serpents and Doves', 'Faux Pas', and 'Compliments and Gauntlets'

STATUS: complete

SERIES: You Go Girl

RATING: PG-13

DATE: 20th March, 2003

ARCHIVED: SJA, Carterfic, Jackfic, anyone else, please ask.

DISCLAIMER: (To the tune and rhythm of "His eyes are as green as a fresh-pickled toad." - for my sister Louisa!)
These characters don't belong to this fic-writer,
And this line of writing don't pay;
I wish they were mine - they're really divine,
To archive, please ask me, okay?

AUTHOR'S NOTES: Another one in the 'You Go Girl' series. It's a slow series, I know! I had one all set out for 'A Matter of Time' and then 'Secrets' just popped its head up asking for something to be done with it. Drat muse. Anyway, don't know when the next one will be out...I'm just adding to these one at a time. Someday, it'll actually be finished. Maybe.

* * * Things You Keep Inside * * *

Daniel was gonna be okay. Daniel's always okay.

The reason why?

He mopes. He mopes around and you can't really ignore his moping. Which usually means that half the women on the base end up trying to comfort him.

On the other hand, you'd never know anything was bothering Carter - not unless you look real carefully.

Tell you the truth? I wasn't looking real carefully.

Teal'c was.

It was nothing more than a one-line comment after we'd come back from Abydos - the confrontation with Heru'ur and the non-confrontation with Apophis. "Something troubles Captain Carter."

Now, Teal'c doesn't usually bring team matters up for discussion. The man isn't big on dialogue of most types or kinds. So when he does bring a matter up for attention, you know that he's seen something that concerns him.

So when he brought that to my attention, I started noticing things.

True, she'd been quiet since we got back from Abydos - I'd initially considered it thoughtfulness for Daniel, but there was more to it than that. She'd been unusually quiet on the way home from DC, too.

Suspicions were confirmed as I went through the base looking for her.

Not in her lab nor in her quarters, not in the commissary nor Daniel's office - although Daniel was, and was less than welcoming - not in the control room nor the infirmary.

Only one place left to try.

She wouldn't have left the base, we still had a briefing to do. But there were a couple of places a person could go to be alone - and none of them were under the mountain.

I took the elevators up to the surface, and went out one of the doors leading to the paths winding up and down the mountain. And within five minutes I spotted my Captain sitting on a rock, curled up in on herself.

She heard my arrival of course. I didn't make any attempt to hide that I was coming to see her and she should have guessed that someone would come after her. Or maybe she thought we'd all be down comforting Daniel. It's hard to tell with Carter - she undersells herself so harshly that there are days when I'd like to hit whatever man gave her the severe inferiority complex.

I probably even had my chance in DC. Of course it doesn't look good hitting a superior officer in the middle of a luncheon for a ceremony where you're being decorated for extreme bravery.

"You okay?"

Okay, so it was a dumb way to start a conversation. She'd deny there was anything up, and I'd end up stuck for anything further to say.

"Teal'c said there was something bothering you."

"It's nothing." Her voice was very soft, half muffled in her arms. "It won't affect my performance as part of the team, sir."

And that was all she thought I cared about? I was hurt. "Contrary to what you seem to believe of me, Captain, my interest in your state of mind isn't wholly to do with the team's performance, you know."

The silence took on a surprised quality. At least, I hoped it was surprised.

"Look at it this way, Sam." I used her name to get her attention and she looked up and stared at me cautiously. "You know what's eating me - the death of the reporter; and we both know what's eating Daniel - Sha're and her son. But I have no idea what your buzz is unless you tell me."

"Why do you need to know anyway?" Ah, belligerence. In a respectful kind of way. This woman never ceased to amaze me: she could do a range of emotions and behaviours and still not step out of line.

I hesitated. Mostly because there were lines drawn in the sand regarding officer relationships and commander-subordinate dealings and I didn't want to cross them - for my sake as well as hers. But the truth was probably best in the end. "Because you're one of my team and I care, Captain."

She huffed a little in the cold. "Go care about Daniel, sir. I'm sure he needs it."

"And you don't?"

Her smile was thin and forced, "I'm a big girl, Colonel."

"Even big girls sometimes need someone to talk to," I told her as I sat myself down on a nearby rock. "So give."

And, after a moment of incredulity, she did.

It was sparing, but this was Carter. You got the basic details and were left to fill in the gaps.

Of course, the gaps she left were telling in and of themselves.

She told me about the confrontation between her and her Dad, about strings pulled to get her into NASA and how she'd had to turn it down because of the Stargate Project.

I admit to not being too pleased with her Dad by the end of it. Carter has enough expectation of herself without having someone else come along and lay burdens on her. So he wanted her to go into space? And when she told him she was happy where she was, he got snippy?

Yeah, General Carter was pretty high on my hit-list at that moment.

"We were never really close," she admitted after a while. "Too much the same in some things, too different in others."

I grimaced. "It happens." And boy, did I know about what went on when it happened. Parents can be hell on children - especially once those children grow up and want to make their own way.

"The worst thing is...I can't tell him about this job, what I do, how it makes a difference...any of it..." I guessed that this was bothering her more than anything else. "If he knew I was happy doing what I'm doing - if he could see what I was doing..."

And that's the crux of 'classified' work. You can't tell anyone about it. And it wears you down. I'd done that, too. Lying to my wife each time I came home and I went out. Maintaining the stories we both knew were fiction. And all in the name of plausible deniability.

"...and to make it all worse, he's dying."

*That* got me in the gut. "Dying?" Oh, this put a whole new layer in the picture. *Now* I could understand the snippiness between father and daughter. It wasn't just a request from her Dad, it was a *dying* request from her Dad.

One that she couldn't meet.

"Cancer. Inoperable." She was staring at the ground again. Not crying or weeping or anything, just staring numbly at the ground.

And what do you say to someone when this happens?

"Geez, Sam..."

She kept talking, ignoring my feeble attempt at sympathy. "It's not like he'll ever find out about what we do, either. He knows the cover story is just that...but he has no idea... And I can't tell him."

It was obvious that not being able to tell him mattered a lot to her.

And there was nothing either she or I could do about it.

So I didn't bother with the clichés of comfort. It wasn't like I had anything much to say on that front anyway.

But I did have some experience with high-ups and reading military men like myself - or General Carter.

"I think he knows."

It got her attention. Big blue eyes staring right at me. Enough to put a man off his conversation.

"Sir?"

Dragging my attention back to the conversation, I stared down at my hands, remembering the expression on the old man's face as he spoke to Hammond. I didn't hear their conversation - that wasn't any of my business, but I could hear the tone of their voices, see the old man's face. "He knows that it's important to you."

She shook her head. "He didn't behave that way when he left."

"Maybe he didn't," I agreed. The conversation must have been a doozy; even with her background, skills, and recommendations, getting into NASA's space program is no walk in the park. I can't imagine how much smarming the old man did to get her in line for the program. But I can imagine his disappointment when she wouldn't take it. "But I'm pretty sure he knew."

And I'm pretty sure that, gruff as her Dad is, he won't let things sit that way for too long.

"Then he'll never understand."

"No." Between the time limit imposed by his cancer and the classified nature of the Stargate, he probably won't ever get the chance to understand.

There was nothing more I could say about it - nothing that either she or I would have believed. I'm not like that.

And there was nothing more she could do about the situation - not without breaking her promise of confidentiality. And she's not like that.

So, she didn't say anything more, and neither did I.

We just sat out there until it got too cold even for her, and when she finally got up, she'd closed it up inside her - the way a soldier deals with pain. Keep it inside until you can let it out.

"You okay?" I knew the answer to the question before she gave it. Because it was my answer for when life came knocking with just a little too much circumstance.

"Not yet," she said simply, pulling her jacket closer around her shoulders as she looked at me. "But I will be."

Her words echoed Daniel's words earlier on Abydos. And, like then, I just nodded.

And we went back down into the warmth of the mountain.

*

feed me! Oh feeeeeeed me!