TITLE : His Office and Her Lab
AUTHOR: Blue Topaz
EMAIL: blue-topaz@lycos.com
RATING: PG.
CATEGORY: Humor
PAIRING: Sam/Jack
SPOILERS: none that I could think of
SUMMARY: Sam and Jack are forced to write a journal together. Day 4.
SERIES: 4th story in 'His and Hers'
ARCHIVE: SJD and Carterfic.
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. No copyright infringement is intended. Please do not post or distribute this story without the author's permission. Copyright by Blue Topaz, 2003
NOTE: Thanks once again for my beta-reader Rosemary. I have fun writing it, I hope you have fun reading it as well.
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URL of this story (for
better formatting):
www.geocities.com/bluetopazfic/hisandhers4.htm
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*Thursday, 10 July 2003*
13.00: The Psychiatrist
Where do you spend most
of your time when you are on the base? Explain the reason why.
***
14.05 : Jack O'Neill
See Carter, I resisted
the urge to abuse this journal. I didn't use it to make an appointment.
What wouldn't I do for you, eh?
***
14.09 : Jack O'Neill
Carter, I know you have your Palm with you.
So be a good girl and
answer me, will you?
***
14.15 : Jack O'Neill
I know you’ve read my previous entries.
Major, don't ignore my
order.
***
14.18 : Sam Carter
First of all, I would like to thank you for the small favour, Sir. It was so thoughtful of you.
Secondly, you were lucky that the Palms have the 'vibrate' and 'silent' features on them. However, you might want to refrain from writing in the journal during briefings. Teal'c is giving you the 'look'. And I'm sure Daniel will soon realise that you haven't paid much attention to him. Don't forget General Hammond; he might confiscate your Palm if he found out that you are using it right now.
And thirdly, please,
stop throwing paper balls at me! You've got my attention already.
14.20 : Jack O'Neill
But Daniel's briefing is boring, as usual. It's all in his report. I could always read it after this.
Humor me, please. I know that you are bored too.
Teal'c might give me the 'look', but I know that he won't say anything. Daniel is in his happy place, even a purple dog dancing in front of his eyes couldn't bring him out of it. The General is (trying to, and failing miserably) concentrating on our archaeologist, his back is to us. And the last time I checked, he doesn't have eyes in the back of his head.
Come on, I know you want it too. You’ve doodled on your notes, which means you didn't find this lecture interesting either.
Just cover the Palm with
your folder - they won't have a clue.
14.21 : Sam Carter
I hate it when you read
me like that. It's so unfair.
14.22 : Jack O'Neill
I knew that you would agree with me.
So, the place where we spend most of our time on the base, huh? I know yours is your lab. Where you do all those mind boggling experiments, invent all those impossible machines, test every alien object that comes from the Stargate, rewrite the law of physics, and don't forget that it was the place where you think up all those wacky ideas of yours.
Can you guess mine?
14.22 : Sam Carter
Colonel. We are not supposed to answer each other's questions; we have to do it ourselves.
Yours is either the mess
hall or Daniel's office.
14.22 : Jack O'Neill
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever.
And no, mine is not the
mess hall or Daniel's office. I might go there often (your lab and the
gym are on the list too), but I don't spend a lot of my time there.
14.22 : Sam Carter
Aahh, it has to be your office then. A place where you claim you never spend more than an hour if you don't have to. A place that you have established as your least favourite place on the base, because of the amount of paperwork in there. But being the responsible person that you are, you do all of the paperwork anyhow. And we all know how long it can take for you to do that.
Am I right?
It's nice to see that
you compare my lab to the mess hall, Sir. I'm honoured.
14.23 : Jack O'Neill
Pretty sharp there, Carter. For someone who insisted that we should answer the question ourselves.
And, Carter, what did
I say about your sarcasm? You've been too witty for your own good lately.
14.23 : Sam Carter
Well, Sir, what can I say? You've been a bad influence.
And I can't do anything
about my wit, Sir. I'm afraid you are just going to have to endure it.
14.24 : Jack O'Neill
See? I told you this would be fun.
You've been enjoying
yourself too.
14.24 : Sam Carter
Sir, you might want to
be less obvious. Don't smile or frown while reading this. Teal'c is getting
more suspicious. And I just can't imagine what would happen if he asked
you if something was wrong. Daniel and General Hammond will be on our case
too in less than a second. And if that occurs, I will deny my involvement
in this. In other words, I will pretend that I don't know what they're
talking about and ask you some questions myself.
14.25 : Jack O'Neill
I never pegged you as
a traitor, Major.
14.25 : Sam Carter
Only if I have to, Sir.
Only if I have to.
14.25 : Jack O'Neill
I'll let you off this time, Carter. But don't expect me to be so generous next time.
Hey, don't you think
that this morning was a complete waste of time? Ewan and Perry barely speak
to one another. What do you think? What should we do?
14.25 : Sam Carter
Well, Sir, if you did
not give up so fast (the session only lasted for 10 minutes) and kicked
them out of your office, I'm sure that we could have done something.
14.26 : Jack O'Neill
Carter, I'm not having my office tainted by an awkward and hostile silence. I don't want to hate that place more than I already do.
Besides, I said that
I would reschedule the session, didn't I? It was just too early for me
to think with my brain.
14.26 : Sam Carter
Understandable.
Ok then. What do you
want to do about them?
14.26 : Jack O'Neill
We could always use the
old-fashioned way. Lock them inside a closet for 24 hours.
14.26 : Sam Carter
I don't think General
Hammond would approve, Sir.
14.26 : Jack O'Neill
What he doesn't know
won't hurt him.
14.26 : Sam Carter
Are you suggesting that
we go behind his back, Sir?
14.27 : Jack O'Neill
Well, he trusted me to
give advice to them, right? He should have known the risk.
14.27 : Sam Carter
And you decided to abuse
that trust?
14.27 : Jack O'Neill
Carter, why do you always
take all my fun away from me? I'm feeling bad now.
14.27 : Sam Carter
Whoops.
It wasn't my intention
to make you feel bad, Sir. What I am trying to say is that there has to
be another way to teach them a lesson.
14.27 : Jack O'Neill
I'm listening.
14.28 : Sam Carter
No, you're not. You're reading.
What about asking the
rest of SG-9 members for some more insight?
14.28 : Jack O'Neill
My mistake, I was *reading*, not listening.
That's a good idea. Once
this briefing is over, you go and ask them to meet us somewhere. Preferably
not in my office.
14.28 : Sam Carter
I will. Let’s use my
lab. I'll let you know about the exact time. Do you have any other meetings
or appointments today?
14.28 : Jack O'Neill
Not that I know of.
Hey, you said that you're
going to have a girls night in with Cassie, aren't you?
14.28 : Sam Carter
Yes, I am. She'll probably
be in my house long before I get home. She has my house key, she asked
for it the other day, saying that she wanted to use my kitchen to bake
something.
14.29 : Jack O'Neill
And you *let* her use
your kitchen?
14.29 : Sam Carter
Sure. Why not?
14.29 : Jack O'Neill
Carter. There's a reason
why the word 'teenager' and 'kitchen' don't often exist in the same sentence.
Good luck cleaning it.
14.29 : Sam Carter
Cassie is more responsible than that. You should have more faith in her.
Besides, I could always
ask for your help cleaning it if she decides to blow up my kitchen.
14.29 : Jack O'Neill
Carter, I'm a Colonel,
not a cleaning lady.
14.30 : Sam Carter
You're not?
14.30 : Jack O'Neill
Ha ha. Very funny, Carter.
You had better watch
what you eat and drink from now on.
14.30 : Sam Carter
Hey, look. Daniel’s almost
finished with his briefing.
14.30 : Jack O'Neill
Yay.
But I'm not distracted
Carter. You might also want to watch your back all the time.
14.30 : Sam Carter
I will. Thanks for the warning.
Now, let’s end it here
and now. We have a briefing to do.
14.31 : Jack O'Neill
Yes, Ma'am.
***
17.56 : Jack O'Neill
Carter! I've got it.
17.57 : Sam Carter
Whatever it is, I hope
it's not contagious, Sir.
17.57 : Jack O'Neill
I starting to hate the
new you, you know.
17.57 : Sam Carter
The new me, Sir? What
are you talking about?
17.57 : Jack O'Neill
The totally evil Carter
who is using this journal as an excuse to torment me. Why can't you just
be that good little soldier who respects me?
17.57 : Sam Carter
And miss all this fun? I'm afraid I have to decline the offer, Sir.
Anyway, what is it that
you've got, Sir?
17.58 : Jack O'Neill
You really should go and see Fraiser, Carter. Maybe all that hard work has finally scrambled your brain.
What I've got, is an
idea to solve the ‘Ewan and Perry problem’. After listening to the other
team members, I realised that it was more serious than we first thought.
And what better way to solve a serious matter than with a radical way.
17.58 : Sam Carter
My brain is fine, Sir. Thanks for worrying about it though.
And what radical way
do you have in your mind?
17.58 : Jack O'Neill
I should have known that the Carter I've known for the last seven years was too good to be true.
The radical way I have in mind is <cue drum roll>: send them to an uninhabited planet and give them some basic necessities only. Leave them there for a week to survive.
I'm quite sure that they
will bond nicely.
17.58 : Sam Carter
Sir. I'm sorry to inform you that this idea, to put it bluntly, sucks. There is no way the General would agree to this. Even the 'locking them in a closet' idea has more potential than this one.
And I believe I must
point out that you said 'quite sure', not 'positively sure'. Please Sir,
if you want to present this idea to Hammond, the least you could do is
be really confident about this plan.
17.59 : Jack O'Neill
Hey, Hammond might have okay-ed this idea. You never know if you don’t ask.
And Carter, this idea
does not suck; it's original.
17.59 : Sam Carter
With all due respect, Sir, the day General Hammond agrees to this would be the day he has lost his mind.
And how is it an original
idea? When was the last time you watched TV, Sir?
17.59 : Jack O'Neill
Carter, they send those
people to an island. We'll send them to another planet. What is not original
about that?
17.59 : Sam Carter
Sir, I still think that
General Hammond would have to be insane to agree to this.
17.59 : Jack O'Neill
We shall see, Carter. We shall see.
I'm going to his office
now.
18.00 : Sam Carter
Good luck.
And please let the General
know that this was your idea, yours only. I have nothing to do with it.
18.00 : Jack O'Neill
Will do.
***
18.23 : Jack O'Neill
Wohoo!
Hammond is insane.
***
18.36 : Sam Carter
When I read your previous entry, I thought you were joking, Colonel. So I went to the General and asked for confirmation.
The General *is* insane.
I must agree with you
this once. Although you promising him to complete your paperwork by 17.00
tomorrow, as an incentive if he agrees to this plan, has to be taken into
consideration.
18.37 : Jack O'Neill
You didn't trust me? I'm hurt, Carter.
And did you suggest that
I'm *bribing* the General?
18.37 : Sam Carter
Don't get me wrong, Sir. I trust you with my life, just not with other things.
And yes, I did suggest
that you bribed the General. And that's just pure manipulation, Sir. I
know you've almost completed the paperwork anyway. You've been asking for
my assistance *and* Daniel's for the last few days.
18.37 : Jack O'Neill
O'Neill's first lesson
in life: Don't waste any opportunity.
18.37 : Sam Carter
My mistake, Sir. I forgot
that you are an O'Neill. Yes, that behaviour is acceptable when you bear
that name.
18.38 : Jack O'Neill
Carter, that's enough. You're ruining my mood.
Can you imagine, seven
days without those two troublemakers? It's heaven. Even you can't deny
that.
18.38 : Sam Carter
Well, Sir, if you put
it that way…
18.38 : Jack O'Neill
Okay, that's settles it then.
We'll send them off-world
on Monday. I'll take care of the basic supplies that they will bring with
them, while you'll go and inform Ewan and Perry about this right now.
18.38 : Sam Carter
Sir? Don't you like me anymore?
It's a one-way ticket
to the grave. They'll tear me apart if I told them about this 'plan'.
18.38 : Jack O'Neill
Carter, do you realise that you were whining like a little girl?
Shoo. Go do your
job.
18.39 : Sam Carter
OK. OK. I'll do it.
But don't be surprised
if you found my cold and lifeless body in the SGC's corridor somewhere.
18.39 : Jack O'Neill
Don't be such a drama
queen. They respect you, Carter. They wouldn't do anything to you. Besides,
if they do, you can always kick their butts. You have my permission.
18.40 : Sam Carter
Easy for you to say,
Sir. I'm the one who’s doing the kicking.
18.39 : Jack O'Neill
I'm sure you kick well.
***
23.53 : Jack O'Neill
Hey, how's your kitchen?
23.53 : Sam Carter
It's fine, Sir. Thanks for asking. I wanted to say 'I told you so', but I guess it's been a long day for you, so I’ll spare you this one.
PS: Cassie's blueberry
cheesecake is delicious. She said that I should bring some for you tomorrow.
23.54 : Jack O'Neill
I'm ignoring your first paragraph.
Tell Cassie that she's an angel.
Have you told Ewan and
Perry yet?
23.54 : Sam Carter
Yes. I dropped them a
line.
23.54 : Jack O'Neill
You ‘dropped them a line’?
23.54 : Sam Carter
Yes, Sir. With the wonder
of the 20th century called e-mail, I dropped them a line. I'm glad to inform
you that my self-preservation instinct is still working and in perfect
condition. I told them that I only passed on your message, and if they
have a problem with it, they should talk to you. Therefore I suggest you
find a nice place to hide tomorrow, if you don't want them to bother you.
23.54 : Jack O'Neill
Someday, you'll be the death of me; you know that. I can picture it on my death certificate.
Cause of death: Major
Samantha Carter, USAF.
23.55 : Sam Carter
It will be my pleasure
to have my name in there, Sir.
23.55 : Jack O'Neill
I feel a headache coming.
Hey, I just wanted to
let you know that I don't think we'll have much time to go home tomorrow,
so we'll be leaving for dinner straight from the base. Is that alright
with you?
23.55 : Sam Carter
Sure. What time we'll
be leaving?
23.55 : Jack O'Neill
19.00. If there's no
emergency or major incident on the base.
23.55 : Sam Carter
Knowing our luck, well
...
23.55 : Jack O'Neill
You're right. Anyway.
I'll see you at the mess hall for breakfast. Don't forget Cassie's cheesecake.
23.56 : Sam Carter
Goodnight, Sir.
23.55 : Jack O'Neill
Goodnight.
***
The next one will be 'His Dog and Her Cat'. Find out how the 'date' goes.