TITLE: The Power of Love

AUTHOR: Barbs Sears

EMAIL: barbssg1@yahoo.com

RATING: NC17, but only just!

SEASON: 7, post Heroes but before anything else

SPOILERS: Very slight for Heroes, Chimera,Fragile Balance, Divide and Conquer.

ARCHIVE: SamandJack yes, Jackfic yes, others yes but please let me know.

DISCLAIMER: Everything that makes money belongs to MGM, GEKKO and lots of other folk much more important than me. Only the love is mine, and that is free.

NOTES: Sorry this comes so soon after Aeryn's excellent "A Hundred Days More," but it was already in the making and I didn't want to waste it. Angst, angst and a little more angst! Oh, did I mention angst?

Tie pulled askew and collar loose, a crumpled caricature of a USAF colonel, Jack O'Neill took another long pull of his umpteenth beer and watched the goings-on before him. He had been standing alone for about half an hour, since his unbearable rudeness had driven even the long-suffering Teal'c away, and the aura of half-drunken aggression emanating from him discouraged any casual conversationalists.

It was nearly midnight and the reception was winding slowly to a close. Soon the last waltz would be played, and those who had someone to love would hold them close and dream of their own wedding night, whether past or yet to come. Jack did not want to be there to watch! Catching Teal'c's eye as he stood across the room with Daniel Jackson, O'Neill lifted an eyebrow, shook his car keys and nodded towards the door. However anxious he was to leave, he was not irresponsible enough to drive himself.

"Should we not say goodbye and thank you to Mr and Mrs.Shanahan?" asked Teal'c.

"No, they'll never miss us. They're too loved up to notice us leave." Jack rasped. "I'm going to the restroom, bring the truck round, will ya?"

"I feel it will be an act of grave discourtesy to leave without saying goodbye. After all, Major Carter will be absent from us for a considerable period of time!"

"It's Shanahan now Teal'c, and I need to pee! Just fetch the goddamn truck!"

As the two men left the room, Samantha Carter's head lifted from her husband's shoulder. She had the abrupt feeling that something had been taken from her, and scoured the room for that silver-grey head, and that so-handsome suntanned face.

"What's up, honey?" Pete asked, holding her closer

"Nothing, nothing at all." She smiled at him, knowing that the Colonel had left without saying goodbye. A small piece of her wanted to laugh at his childishness and snarl at his petulance, but the much larger part understood what she had done to him, and wanted to weep with his misery and comfort his burning sense of loss.

Jack stood in the restroom stall, waiting for his bladder to cooperate. He didn't use urinals anymore—it was embarrassing to have to stand there for ten minutes with his dick in his hand, waiting for some sort of action! It drew him interested looks from the sort of guys who habitually waited around in restrooms, so stalls were safer! "AAH, finally," he sighed with relief, and then winced a little as the now-familiar pain took hold. Crouching a little, he leant against the wall until the spasm had passed, then, zipping up and swilling his hands, he rejoined Teal'c in the corridor

"Are you alright, O'Neill? You have spent a considerable time in the men's room!" Teal'c's face showed real concern; no one had spoken of it, but everyone knew how much this wedding was affecting SG1's CO.

"I'm fine, I just didn't realise you had the meter running. Let's go!"

They drove home in silence, O'Neill not wanting to speak and the Jaffa not knowing what to say. Knowing why O'Neill was so angry and miserable, and getting him to open up about it were two very different things.

"Do you want a drink?"

"I do not! I will retire immediately. Do not forget, O'Neill, that we have a meeting with General Hammond at 09.00."

Jack picked up his large glass of Wild Turkey and offered Teal'c a toast. "Just what I always wanted, a social secretary! Goodnight, big buddy, Kelno'reem well!"

*******************

Teal'c roused from his sleep/meditation at 06.00, feeling sure that O'Neill would need a little help getting ready. Entering the lounge, his nose wrinkled at the acrid smell of stale urine and vomit, and he looked with distaste at the inert figure of his CO lying on the floor. O'Neill had got as far as removing his dress blue jacket and slinging it on the table, but he still wore his uniform pants, and they were liberally stained with the fruits of the night's excesses.

Teal'c had never before seen his CO so degraded, at least not without Goa'uld intervention, and he moved quickly to put things right. Heaving him over his shoulder, he threw O'Neill into the shower and hit the cold button hard. The powerful jets battered down on Jack's crumpled body and he awoke, spluttering and choking.

Dragging himself half upright, Jack whined in protest. "We undress here before showers, Teal'c, you know that!"

"Your clothes are soiled, O'Neill, they need rinsing! I thought it would be possible to assassinate a pair of avians with but a single boulder!" O'Neill puzzled for a moment, shivering in the cubicle as he stripped off his sodden uniform. "Oh, yeah, two birds…… Can I have some hot water now, please?"

Teal'c adjusted the temperature and moved away, judging that O'Neill could now both stand alone and be trusted to stay under the shower. "I will make coffee, -- lots of coffee!"

Showered, shaved and dressed, Jack looked a little better, though it was unusual to see him wearing shades indoors. Drawn by the lure of the coffee pot, Daniel Jackson had arrived. "God, Jack, you look awful!"

"Believe me, Danieljackson, this is a great improvement on O'Neill's appearance of an hour ago!"

"Oh! Then I'm glad I wasn't here!"

"Guys! I'm still in the room here! Could you keep the amusing banter down to a dull roar please?"

"A little audio-sensitive this morning, Jack?"

"If that means I don't want to listen to your babbling, yes! Did Carter and Shanahan get away OK?"

"Yes, we waved them off right after you left. Sam said goodbye and see you soon, by the way. They're on their way to Fort Lauderdale now, that's where they board the cruise ship."

"Fine! Meanwhile the rest of us go on protecting the universe! Come on, Hammond will be waiting."

****************************

"So, gentlemen, as you know, Major Levine will be Major Shanahan's stand-in for the next three months. I intend to allow you a week shakedown time before your first off-world mission as a unit. Is that OK, Colonel?" General Hammond was as aware as anyone of the effect Sam's wedding was having on O'Neill; in his opinion the man looked positively ill.

"Yes, that's fine, General. We're three pretty easygoing guys, Levine will fit in just fine."…except that he wasn't blonde, tall and slim, with eyes as blue as a Minnesota sky and a smile that could light up a Black Hole! "May I be excused, General? Comfort break?"

"Of course, Jack! You're all dismissed. Go away and bond!"

It was some time before Jack caught up with the others in the commissary. "You OK, Jack? You look a little, I don't know, tense?"

"No, I'm fine, Danny, just fine. What's on the agenda for this morning?"

"Bill and I are going to pull out all the MALP work on our next mission, get a head start."

"I am going to the gym, O'Neill. Would you care to spar with me?"

"Erm, not right now, Teal'c, I've got one or two things I need to catch up on first. If I don't see you there, we can meet back here for lunch. Gotta run!"

Levine felt confident now to venture an opinion. "Is the Colonel OK? He seems a little out of the loop!"

Teal'c stared at him with disapproval, "Appearances are often deceptive, Majorlevine. O'Neill remains firmly within the loop, I am sure!"

Jack stared at his office wall, face blank but mind working at light speed. This couldn't be delayed any longer. He had hung on so as not to divert any attention from Carter's big day, but now a resolution had to be found, he had to act, while the choice was still his. Biting his lip as the now ever-present pain jolted through his abdomen, he rose carefully and made his way to the infirmary.

************************

Major Clare Standhill was just about as different from her predecessor as it was possible to be. Whereas the late Janet Fraizer's warm heart and caring attitude had made even the most unpleasant procedures almost bearable, Standhill's bedside manner rivalled that of Doctor Hannibal Lecter, and O'Neill had been heard to remark that her Ice Maiden stare probably scared most bugs to death without the need for antibiotics!

"Good morning, Colonel, what can I do for you?"

Jack had deliberately chosen a relatively quiet time, with no off- world teams due home. "I'm overdue a complete physical. I thought maybe we could do it now, as SG1 is off rotation for a week."

"It's not often that you fetch up here voluntarily, Colonel, so I won't say no. If you would like to strip naked and make yourself comfortable on the bed, I'll be with you in just a moment."

Jack obeyed and lay on the bed, arms folded, refusing to acknowledge either his rising embarrassment or Standhill's inch-by-inch perusal of his body. "At least I'll never have the worry of meeting this harpy's eyes on a social basis," he thought, "There's no way she'll ever get a party invite from me!"

"How old are you, Colonel O'Neill?"

"It's in the file, take a look."

"Hmm, not bad! Arms at your sides please."

With very firm but pleasantly warm hands, Standhill made a thorough examination from dandruff to ingrown toenails, noting carefully the barely-suppressed flinch as she palpated his abdomen. "OK, turn over, please."

Jack waited for the sinister snap of latex gloves.

"Colonel, I do appreciate that this is not the most pleasant part of the procedure, but it will be a lot less painful if you relax and try to co-operate a little!"

Jack forced a laugh "Yeah, sure I'm going to relax when a virtual stranger has two cling-filmed fingers shoved up my a.."

"Thank you, Colonel! I'm sorry we haven't got to know each other better, but this has to be done."

Standhill went quiet for a moment and Jack could almost feel her fingers thinking. "What?"

She flexed her fingers just a little, and a sharp arrow of pain shot away from them.

"WHAT?"

"Have you experienced any difficulty in urination recently?"

"Well, now you mention it, yes. Needing to go more often, and then not being able to, that sort of thing! Oh, and, erm, a little leakage!" Jack spat each word out with distaste, but knew that now this particular rock had been shoved off the mountain, it had to roll all the way down to the bottom – there was no stopping now.

"Any erectile dysfunction?"

"Any what?"

"Erectile dysfunction? Do you have any trouble getting it up or keeping it up?"

"Oh, well, erm, not really, although I, erm, don't, you know, I haven't actually, there isn't…"

"You're not sexually active at present?"

"What?" Jack played his dumb card again; it usually won a hand or two .

"You don't have a regular sexual partner, male or female, at present?"

"WHAT?" Look, Doc, I'm as straight as….., well, I don't know what I'm as straight as, but I'm sure as hell not bent. The air force has rules, you know!"

"But you don't have a female partner either?"

"No, want to audition?"

Standhill ignored the feeble attempt at humor. "Do you visit prostitutes?"

"What?" Jack realised that word was getting overused. "Are you suggesting I've caught. …something? No, I don't visit prostitutes, never have, never will! Why all this interest in my sex life?"

"Or lack of one, it seems!" Standhill replied. "No, you don't have any infection; I'm trying to establish whether there had been any recent change in your sexual capability. Do you masturbate?"

"Jeez, Doc, Don't hold back, will ya! Just come right on with the questions!"

"Don't worry, Colonel, I fully intend to, so what the answer to the last one?"

If Standhill hadn't still got two fingers up his miktah, Jack would have squirmed with embarrassment and shame. "Yes, OK, I masturbate! When necessary! I also scratch my crotch and pick wax out of my ears! I've even been known to squeeze zits! Is there anything else you'd like to know about my unpleasant personal habits?"

"Masturbation shouldn't be unpleasant, Colonel. If it is, you're doing it wrong."

Did Jack's ears deceive him, or was there a faint hint of laughter in the doctor's voice? "Catholic upbringing, huge guilt trip, that sort of thing, you know. So, what's up, doc?"

At the appalling Bugs Bunny impression, Standhill actually did laugh, but quickly composed herself as she removed her fingers and her gloves. "I'll need to run some tests to be sure, blood tests, an ultra sound scan and a tissue biopsy, but I'm pretty sure you have…"

"Prostate cancer." Jack interrupted.

"How long have you known?" Standhill asked.

"A couple of months, I guess. The same thing killed my old man, so I kinda recognised the signs."

"Then why the hell didn't you check in sooner? You realise you've prejudiced your recovery by delaying?" The doctor was angry, the first time Jack had seen any real emotion from her.

"Yeah, well, it's complicated. I was ready to come in, and then Carter announced her wedding plans and, well, it's complicated."

"So complicated that you'd risk your life because of it?"

"We do that every day we're here, Doc. I just didn't want to rain on Carter's parade. If you'd been here longer, you'd understand. It's complicated!"

Standhill shook her head in exasperation. "You're damn right I don't understand! All I DO understand is that your treatment regime is now going have to be far more aggressive. If I'm right, and I'm sure I am, you're facing immediate surgery, and then an intensive regime of either chemo- or radio- therapy, dependant on how far this thing has got. I'll get on to the Academy hospital immediately, you can get dressed."

As Standhill turned away, Jack laid a hand on her arm, and his cool stare met hers firmly. "There's not going to be any treatment, Doc, I'm sitting this one out."

This time it was the doctor's turn for the overused word. "WHAT? This thing will kill you, Colonel, painfully and slowly, have no doubt about that!"

"Painfully I can deal with, and slowly? Well, I guess I'm in no hurry, but I'm not having treatment, other than pain relief when I need it. No argument, Doc, That's the way it's going, that's it, end of episode, roll titles!"

"But in God's name why, Colonel? I'm not saying your chances are good, particularly in view of the delayed diagnosis, but with immediate treatment at least you'll have a chance. Do you want to die?"

Standhill, unlike Fraiser, was not quick enough to catch the brief glimpse of desolation that crossed Jack's face.

"If I'd wanted to die, I could have found a way years ago. Now it's more a case of not wanting to live."

"There's a difference?"

"Oh yeah, you betcha there is! Can I go now?"

Standhill frowned in frustration and bewilderment. "Look, Colonel O'Neill, we have counsellors, people who can help, talk you through this. I know it's a lot to accept, but…"

"No buts, Doc, no ifs, ands or maybes." Jack's interruption was firm, almost angry. "No counsellors, no surgery, no therapy, no nothing. I HAVE accepted. I know where I'm going with this, believe me. Just let me deal with it in my own way, OK?"

"What do you want me to tell General Hammond?" The doctor's voice was now quiet and resigned.

"I'll tell him, I'll go now." Jack finished dressing and walked to the door. "Oh, and Clare, thanks."

****************************

"General Hammond, have you got a minute?" Jack leant against Hammond's office door.

"If it means leaving budget requisitions alone, I have two or three! What can I do for you, Jack?" Hammond waved O'Neill to a chair and leant forward on his desk. "Is there a problem with Levine?"

"Too early to say yet, sir. No, it's not him. I wanted you to have a look at this for me." Jack took a neatly typed document out of his pocket and laid it on the desk.

"Please, Jack, not another letter of resignation! I've had enough of those from you to wallpaper this office!" Hammond's easy laugh died away as he turned the paper round and read the header." Your will, Jack? What's all this about?" The burly General pushed himself away from his desk and strode across the room to close the door. Reaching into his cupboard, he poured two large whiskies, slid one across to O'Neill and said "Well?"

"My lawyer has a copy of most of it, and will handle the sale of the house, but I wondered if you could manage the rest? There's things in here that Haraldson won't be able to deal with, the SGC stuff, you know."

Hammond was still perplexed. "What's up, Jack, have you had a premonition of impending doom or something?"

"It's the `or something,' George! There's no easy way to tell this other than straight out. I have cancer, it's terminal, and we're talking weeks rather than months!"

The glass in Hammond's hand met the desk so hard that it shattered, and the amber liquid flooded the desktop. "How? Why? When? What can we do?"

"Too many questions, not enough answers, sorry! I've seen Doc Standhill, she's aware of the position and we've agreed a treatment protocol of sorts. You're going to need a new 2IC – either Major Griff or Major Carter would be well up to the job, though you might have some trouble separating Carter from her lab. She will also make a very able commander for SG1, God knows she's earned it after putting up with me for seven years."

As O'Neill drew breath, Hammond took his chance to speak. His voice was low, his eyes compassionate. "Jack, don't you think you ought to be giving a little more thought to your own situation at present? I appreciate your input, as always, but you must have larger concerns on your mind just now, son."

"I've got everything pretty well settled, George. I've been up to Minnesota and arranged a maintenance contract on the cabin, and that will go to Jonathan – sort of keeping it in the family, I guess. He'll get the proceeds of the sale of the house and stuff too. I owe him that much, he didn't ask to get dragged into all this, and maybe it'll help him, me, make some better choices this time around. I'd like my decorations to go to the Academy museum, if they want `em, and I'm going to ask Teal'c and Daniel if they want to choose something to remember me by, you too, if you'd like."

"Isn't all this just a little premature, Jack? What has Dr.Standhill said about treatment? Surely the outlook can't be that bleak? What about the Tok'ra? They might have a sym…."

Jack interrupted vehemently. "Don't even think about it, George! I've been down that road, once or twice, and Hell'll freeze over before I do it again."

"But if it's a choice between life and death, son?"

"No! It may suit Jacob just fine, but I can't handle it, and life with a snake in my gut is worse than death, believe me! No, George, I've had my share of luck, I've done things, seen things, hell, lived things that most men can't even dream of, and I've got no complaints if my time's up. There's no one to miss me, I won't inconvenience anyone, and I'll go in a way that suits me!"

Hammond looked down at his tightly clasped hands, and cleared his throat once or twice before speaking. "I think you're underestimating your worth to us all, son, You'll be missed by a whole lot of folk, and not just here at the SGC. Not many officers could say that their passing would be noted right across the galaxy!" He took another deep breath and measured his next words carefully." And what about Major Carter? Have you given any thought to her in all of this?"

"I don't know what you mean, sir, and it's Shanahan now, isn't it?"

"Oh, come on, Jack, give me credit for some power of observation! Who do you think you've been fooling all these years?"

Suddenly Jack's eyes were hard, and his voice bitter. "Myself mostly! I really believed there was some hope for us in the future, sometime, but she obviously felt differently."

"Did you ever tell her, son?"

"This is way off topic, George! I'd like my flag to go to Jonathan, and I'm to be buried with Charlie, that's all organised. As far as my future here goes, I'd like to be relieved of all off-world missions. I can't risk being a liability to my men, but I would like to stay in harness as long as I can, it'll help pass the time. When I find I can't cope, I'll let you know. At least this way my paperwork will be up to date."

"Sure, Jack, whatever you want I'm sure we can accommodate." Hammond took another pause; neither he nor O'Neill dealt well with emotion. "Thank you for your honesty, son. I don't know what else I can say!"

"I'm going to tell Teal'c and Daniel tonight, at my place, They think they're coming over for a beer and a few hands of gin. You'd be welcome too!"

"Thanks, Jack, but I think I'll take a rain check."

"That's fine, George! Just don't take too long to cash it in!"

Two stunned gazes tried to meet Jack's eyes as he shuffled the deck aimlessly through his lean fingers. Impetuous as ever, Daniel spoke first. "Jeez, Jack, if this is another example of your warped sense of humor, it really isn't working."

"I do not believe that O'Neill is joking on this occasion, Danieljackson. His demeanour does not suggest humorous intent."Teal'c said, as calm as ever.

"Right, T, you got me. So, fellas, what's it to be? The videos, my Gameboy, what?"

"Jack, we can't do this, it's…well, it's like grave robbing!"

"Spoken like a true archaeologist, Danny, except that I'm not dead yet, and I WANT you to have something. As I understand, old King Tut didn't have much say in the matter."

Teal'c startled them both by springing to his feet and grabbing his jacket from the back of his chair. "Though I would be honored to be gifted the possessions of a fallen warrior, I do not choose to own something which once belonged to a craven coward! Good night, O'Neill, Danieljackson."

Striding to the door, the big Jaffa left the house, and the noise of his motor pool jeep dripped slowly into the well of silence created by his departure. "Care to translate that, Dr. Linguist?"

"I think Teal'c imagines you're taking the easy way out, Jack, choosing to run instead of stand and fight. Remember, he's known the concept of the symbiote as a healing agent all his life, lived with one for most of it, and he found being without it very hard at first. I guess he can't understand why you find the idea so repugnant…….I can, by the way, but why won't you…."

"Danny, stop! I've been through all this time and time again! No more! Decision made—no argument. Hell, if I can live with this, why can't everyone else?"

"Because you're not going to live with it, Jack, you're going to die with it, and however incomprehensible it may be to you, there are some of us who will actually miss you!" Daniel looked away, but not before Jack had caught the crystal gleam of tears behind his glasses.

"Daniel, I…"

"No, Jack, you can't step away from this. Is this is what you've started, we've all just got to see it through!" Daniel gave himself a mental shake. "And there's another thing, what about Sam?"

"Hell, Daniel, why does everything have to come back to Sa… Carter?" Jack knew that even speaking her name would eat into his resolve. "She has no part in this, and she's better off well out of the way. Hopefully it'll all be over by the time she gets home." Daniel reached out tentatively, desperate to touch the man behind the mask, to contact the suffering, tormented soul hidden behind the barricade of bitter words. "She'd want to know, Jack, she has a right to know."

"She gave up her rights when she married whats-is-name. She's made it clear that she has no interest on my future, so my way is best."

"Dammit, Jack, why do you always have to be so goddamned right?" The crystal gleam in Daniel's eyes was now pure anger. "You know she's loved you for years, and you know you feel the same. Whatever she has with Pete Shanahan is a very poor second-best for what you've never dared to offer her! No, Jack, no, don't stop me! If you can't accept it that's tough, but all you had to do was speak out! Oh, I know, the Regs, the Air force, her career, your career, all that bullshit, but let's face it, if either of you had wanted it badly enough, it would have happened. Perhaps Sam felt she couldn't afford to wait any longer, and now you don't have the luxury of choice. Whatever else you haven't been to each other, you have been friends for seven years, and she deserves your consideration, if nothing else." Daniel's furious tirade finally lost momentum, brought to a halt by the dangerous look in Jack's nearly black eyes.

"Daniel, I'm tired, I think you'd better go. Oh, and Daniel? Contact Carter and my last act on this earth will be to tear you limb from limb, I promise you."

At Dr. Standhill's insistence, and with much reluctance, Jack had undergone a scan, showing the cancer was spreading rapidly. Again she had tried to persuade him to accept treatment, but had not pressed him, when he refused yet again. Secretly she was relieved; she knew that any treatment now would be palliative at best. A cure was beyond hope, and she could not see the point in making his short future more miserable with chemotherapy. All he would accept was stronger and stronger pain relief, and the SGC became accustomed to seeing a slightly spaced-out O'Neill going about those duties he could still perform. As the weeks passed, his activities became more and more limited until, eventually, gaunt and exhausted, he yielded to Standhill's insistence and was admitted to the infirmary, where a morphine-drive syringe gave him some welcome peace.

Daniel, returning from an off-world mission with SG12, came at the run on hearing the news. Still in his BDU, he stood with Standhill at the foot of the bed. His voice broke as he asked "How long, Clare?"

"It's impossible to say, but I'd say days rather than weeks. I'm surprised he's hung on this long, but of course, he was very fit before all this, that would have helped."

"Thanks." Daniel left as speedily as he'd arrived, heading for his office with the air of a man on a crusade.

On the other side of the world, in a luxurious hotel suite overlooking the Bay of Naples, Sam Shanahan booted up her laptop to check her mail. Sprawled on the bed behind her, her new husband nibbled his way gently up the back of her bare thigh. "You don't really want to do that now, honey." Pete said, doing his best to distract her from the glowing screen. "Five minutes, that's all, there won't be anything important. I just need to check on Cassie. I've diverted all my work stuff, this `ll be gossip."

Pete started on Sam's other leg as she logged on and started to read, but seconds later found himself knocked to the floor as Sam leapt from the bed, snapping the laptop shut and reaching for her clothes.

"Hey, what's up? What the hell's happened?" His tone was an acid blend of concern and anger.

Her bright blue eyes stared through him, as though in her reality he had ceased to exist. She grabbed her purse and made for the door. "I have to go, Pete. I'll call. Stay here, I'll call."

"Go? Go where? We're on our honeymoon for God's sake!" He caught hold of her arm, determined to wrench an explanation from her, his voice all anger now, the concern gone. "You're not leaving until you tell me what all this is about."

Sam turned an icy stare on him, pinning him with the sheer force of her willpower. "Let go my arm, Pete, now, while you can still move it! I said I'd call and I will, but right now I have to leave."

Pete released his grip, watching her leave and cursing fluently before flinging himself back onto the bed in baffled frustration.

************************

"Danieljackson, pacing the floor of the arrivals hall will not make Major Carter's plane land any faster." said Teal'c, ever the voice of reason.

"I know, but it helps."

"In what way? All you seem to achieve is fatigue for yourself and extreme irritation for those around you. How can this be of practical assistance to anyone, particularly Colonel O'Neill?"

The PA announcing the arrival of Sam's flight saved Daniel from explaining the vagaries of human impatience. Both men strode to the gate, anxious to get Sam to the SGC as soon as possible.

Wasting no time on greetings, Sam asked, "How is he? Why the hell didn't you contact me sooner? How long has he known? What are you doing for him?"

Her torrent of questions and their attempts to find answers that she would accept, filled the journey back to the Mountain, and she only fell silent as they stepped out of the elevator on the Infirmary floor, where Hammond stood waiting "Major Carter, sorry, Shanahan, it's good to see you, even if the circumstances…"

Unceremoniously shoving him aside, Sam almost ran into the infirmary, to be met by Standhill's Ice Maiden stare. "Jack is sleeping at present, Major Shanahan, and I don't want him disturbed. Would you care for a coffee in my office?"

"Shouldn't that be Colonel O'Neill to you, Major? Sam snapped. "Even asleep, he still outranks both of us."

Janet Fraizer had been Sam's dearest friend, and even now she found it difficult to accept her replacement with any degree of cordiality. "When you have attended to a man's most intimate needs, as I have for Colonel O'Neill over the past few days, rank becomes a little superfluous, Major." Standhill's voice was brittle, but she lowered it for her next words, "But it's still your name he calls when the pain gets too much! When he wakes, treat him gently, he's very frail."

Standhill moved aside to let Sam into the small isolation ward that Jack now called home. Chewing down hard on her lower lip, Sam moved to the side of the bed. Had it only been a matter of a few weeks ago that she had paced alongside a strong, capable figure on P5X-978, laughing and joking about the planet's strange flora and fauna? The man lying so still before her hardly looked strong enough to carry the weight of the sheet draped across him, never mind a loaded battle pack and weapons. She pulled a chair close to his bedside and studied his face, so familiar but so altered. The remains of his year-round tan barely hid the unhealthy sallowness of his skin, and his eyes, usually vital and warm, were sunken in their sockets.

Time passed, and Sam sat, waiting for him to wake. She remembered their years together, all the good times, as though all the years had been nothing but fun, and jumped in surprise as his weak but still stirring voice broke into her reverie.

"Hey, Carter!"

"Hey, Colonel, and it's Shanahan now, sir."

"Oh yeah, how could I forget? ……….Hey, Carter! Oh, before we get into some deep and meaningful conversation, could you fetch Jackson in here for me? I need to tear him limb from limb!"

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because you didn't need to know! That's how the military works, remember?"

"That's bullshit and we both know it!"

"Would that be `bullshit, sir'? I think it says Colonel on this attractive gown somewhere."

A small flame of panic flared in Jack's eyes as Sam moved away from the bed, but it faded as she just closed the door and then came back to her seat. "I didn't fly half way round the world to argue, Jack. What the hell are you playing at? Teal'c and Daniel have given me all they know --- if you'd gone to Standhill sooner, she could have done something for you. Now it's doubtful even the Tok'ra will be able to help. Why? I just don't understand. Why?" Sam sat rigid with tension and anxiety, but Jack lacked the strength even to reach out a hand to comfort her. Instead his fingers went to the morphine drive. "I'm just so goddamn tired of it all, Sam. There doesn't seem any point in fighting anymore, and I've found the way out. I reckon I've done my bit in the saving the universe thing. Let some other hero have a try for a change."

"Sorry? Hero? Is that how you see yourself? All I'm seeing is a selfish egotistical coward, quitting when the game's only at half- time. How dare you leave us like this?"

"I wasn't given a lot of choice, Sam." O'Neill said a little sheepishly, astounded by the ferocity of her anger.

"Oh, sure you were! You could have called it in sooner, asked for help, had treatment. Yes, it would have been unpleasant, but you've faced worse, we all have. But no, you have to play the martyr, and just give up without a fight. You're a coward, Jack!"

Abruptly her fury ran out, and her head dropped. Jet-lagged and worn with worry, Sam Shanahan wept.

Jack struggled to sit up. "Hey, Carter…..!"

"It's Shanahan!" she shouted through her tears.

"Yes, it is, and that's half the problem." Jack shouted back, with what little strength he could muster." I thought you knew, I thought you'd wait, and then whats-is-name came along and I realised I was wrong. Once even the hope of you had been taken from me, what else did I have left?"

Sam lifted her head and met his bleary gaze. "That's so unfair, Jack, you can't put all this on to me. You only had to speak, just one word and Pete would have been history. I gave you every chance, I waited and waited, and you said nothing, and eventually I had to give up, just like you're doing now. Just one word, Jack!"

"You mean….?" The unfinished question, needing no answer, hung in the air between them. "Ah, crap! I guess I fouled up again, huh?"

This time he did find the strength to reach for her, and her hand closed tightly around his.

"You stupid, stupid man! We could have found a way, we could have had it all, and now…" Sam's voice petered out to nothing as she felt Jack's feeble grip relax and she realised he had slipped into merciful unconsciousness once more. She turned as Clare Standhill came into the room to check Jack's vital signs. "How long?" "A couple of days, maybe a little more. Now that you're finally here he may try to hang on for a while, but I don't know how much longer I can keep the pain at a bearable level for him. He's already putting up with more than I've ever known anyone else take."

Sam managed a very small smile, "Yes, that sounds like Jack."

"Major Shanahan, I know we're never going to be bosom buddies, but I think I understand how you're feeling. You've got nothing to reproach yourself for; the choice has been his all along. I really don't want to put him through any more suffering for the sake of a few more hours. If he arrests, I'll let him go."

Sam's blue eyes went way beyond cold as she looked at the CMO. "You're absolutely right, Doctor… we never will be bosom buddies!" Turning back to the cot, she brushed the sweat-damp grey hair from Jack's forehead and smoothed out the well-worn lines of pain with a tender kiss. "Hang on in there, Jack, I'm not letting you go without a fight!"

Ignoring Standhill completely, Sam went out into the corridor. "General Hammond, I need a transport to Area 51 now. I need someone to fetch back the healing device, and I want it here yesterday!"

Daniel put a comforting arm around her shoulders. "Sam, you're tired and overwrought. It's too late for the healing device – we'd already thought of that."

"That's the trouble -- you've all been so busy thinking that no-one's DOING anything! I need that device now!!"

"Major Carter, due to the discord within the ranks of the Tok'ra, we have been unable to contact anyone who may be able to help. Even with the healing device, who would use it?" Once again, Teal'c was the voice of calm reason.

"I can! I've done it before!"

"Not on something this grave, Sam, and how will you live with yourself when you fail?"

"Jack is not `something', Daniel, and I don't intend to fail. Now, do I get that transport, or do I have to hijack a plane and fly to Groom Lake myself?"

"Come to my office, Major, I'll write you up an authorisation."

"Thank you, General."

"I will make the flight, Major Carter. You will need to rest and recover your strength if the device is to be successful. Your place is here, with O'Neill."

Sam stretched up to kiss his cheek. "Thanks, Teal'c, we owe you."

"Any debt has already been repaid many times over, Major Carter!" said Teal'c as he bowed his head and left with Hammond.

Standhill came out of the side ward. " He's sleeping a little easier now. If you need to get some rest, Major, this would be a good time. I'll have someone fetch you when he wakes."

Not trusting herself to be polite to the woman who seemed to have the power of life and death over the man she loved, Sam nodded curtly and went to her quarters, a very subdued Daniel trailing along behind her.

"Can I get you anything? Will you be OK?"

"No, I won't be OK, Daniel, not until this is over, but I will try to sleep, I promise. Now you go away, play with some rocks and think positive thoughts -- I'm going to need all the help I can get!"

Daniel drew her into a warm and comforting hug. "I can't pretend I think this will work, Sam, but I guess if anyone could bring him back it would be you. He loved you very much, you know."

"Loves, Daniel, loves! He's not dead yet, and he knows that I love him too, and I'm not going to let him run out on me now that we've finally sorted that out. Now go! You look like you need coffee by the quart!"

Settling down on her narrow bunk, Sam picked up the phone. What she had to do next was going to be far harder than saving Jack, but if her mind was to be clear and focused for the healing, it had to be done, and done now!

"Hello….Pete?"

**********************************

It was almost midnight when Teal'c arrived back from Area 51, his precious cargo in a nondescript wooden box. Major Standhill stood guard over her semi-conscious patient like a lioness defending a helpless cub.

"I have to see what you're intending to use, Major Shanahan. Colonel O'Neill is still my patient, and his welfare is still my responsibility."

"Step aside, Doctor, I'm not walking round you, and quite frankly I'd be happy to have a reason to go through you!"

Standhill paused for a moment as if considering the degree of menace in Sam's voice, and then stepped away from the bedside.

Holding the Goa'uld device gently in her palm Sam linked her fingers and extended her hands over Jack's wasted body. There was a long, long pause where nothing happened, and it seemed to the watchers that the whole universe had been condensed to one tiny moment of time and space, then the device began to tremble in Sam's hands, and a low humming vibrated through the air. A golden luminescence washed over the still form on the cot, and Sam's face contorted in fierce concentration. Minutes as long as hours passed, until her eyes snapped open wide, and with a desperate gasp she murmured "No more, I can't, I'm sorry…!" and collapsed into Teal'c's arms.

Standhill stepped forward to check her over as Teal'c laid her gently on a gurney and covered her with a blanket. "She's fainted – is that what normally happens after using one of these things?"

"It is not, but I believe Major Shanahan has expended a great deal of strength in her attempt to help O'Neill, and may now need to rest and recover."

Another long period of waiting followed for Standhill, Hammond and the two members of SG1 still standing, as they gazed anxiously from one bed to the other. It was broken abruptly by the robotic voice of Sergeant Davis, and the harsh klaxons of the Gate alarm.

"Unauthorised off-world activation."

They hurried to the control room in time to hear Davis announce "It's the Tok'ra IDC, sir." Daniel and Teal'c exchanged puzzled glances as Hammond ordered "Open the iris!" and all three men stared intently at the shimmering silver pool of the event horizon to await the mystery arrival. The SF detail readied their weapons, and trained them fixedly on the shapely figure of Anise as she stepped slowly down the ramp.

"Greetings, General Hammond. I apologise for the Tok'ra's delay in responding to your request for assistance, but you must appreciate that our situation is difficult at present. I hope that I am in time?"

"Yes and no, Anise. Major Shanahan has used the healing device, but then she collapsed and remains unconscious. There seems to be no change in Colonel O'Neill's condition."

In the infirmary, Anise examined the healing device closely, and studied Jack's chart with great care. Clare Standhill stood near by, seething with resentment at what she saw as yet another intrusion into her personal domain.

When the Tok'ra woman next spoke, it was Freya's voice that expressed sorrow and regret. "I'm afraid I have never known an instance where the healing device has restored one so gravely ill. In such cases, only a symbiote could effect and sustain recovery. It is clear that enormous energy has been channelled through the device, but I feel that the Major's efforts will prove to have been in vain."

Daniel sprang to Sam's defence. "Surely we won't know for sure until Jack wakes up?"

"If he wakes up!" added Standhill with an air of smug satisfaction.

Sam groaned softly, shaking her head as she came round slowly, and gratefully accepted a glass of water from Teal'c. "Any change?"

"None as yet, Sam. Anise is here." Daniel said.

"Perhaps we should all try and get some rest for what's left of the night." suggested Hammond. "We can't do anything here and now, and we'll be no use to anyone exhausted."

"I'm staying!" chorused Sam, Teal'c, Daniel, Standhill and Anise as one.

"Very well – keep me posted!"

Leaving Sam in her rightful place at Jack's side, the others adjourned to Standhill's office and the observation window. In the quiet side ward, the clicks and beeps of the various machines monitoring Jack's condition lulled Sam into an uneasy, dream-filled doze, but she woke at once at the sound of that longed-for voice.

"Hey, Shanahan, sleeping on watch?"

"Hey, Jack! Erm, I guess that's Carter again now!"

"Oh? Good!"

"How do you feel, Jack?"

"Well, weird actually! Sort of empty, and weird, and as though someone's hauled some honkin' great…….something out of me. Did I mention weird?"

Sam grinned with relief. "Yes, you did! Any pain?"

Jack considered for a moment, and then answered with a touch of surprise in his voice. "Nope! I'm damn tired though, and hungry, and thirsty. Am I dead yet? Do you get hungry when you're dead? Oh, and I hate to embarrass you by mentioning it, but I need to pee!"

Sam beckoned Standhill forward, and the CMO checked all her monitors before examining her patient. "I'm not sure that I believe these readings. I'll need to do a scan and run some tests. Passing urine is not a problem, Colonel, you have a catheter fitted."

"Aw, come on, Doc! I need a real pee, the satisfaction of putting pee on porcelain! I also need a real drink in a real glass, and a real something to eat, in roughly that order, and I don't need to be in here for too much longer. The décor is dull, the choice of entertainment is very limited, and the bed sucks! Only the present company makes it worthwhile!" Jack smiled at Sam as he took her hand. He had noticed the weals left by the healing device, could still see the strain deep in her eyes, and knew what she had done for him. He would not have believed that his devotion to her could get any deeper, but now he felt bound to her, body and soul, and knew with absolute certainty that she felt exactly the same way. Noticing Anise through the window, he squeezed Sam's hand and said anxiously "Do me a favour, Sam? Don't leave me alone in a room with her until I'm a bit stronger, will ya?" Smiling at her puzzlement, he went on " Look, kids, I don't want to make an issue out of this, but can I PLEASE go to the bathroom?"

Behind the glass Daniel, Teal'c and Freya smiled with relief as it became more and more obvious that Jack's recovery was progressing apace.

Turning the healing device in her hands, it was Anise who spoke next. "This has opened up a whole new field of research for me. O'Neill should not have recovered."

"What's that?" asked Daniel, enjoying the mayhem O'Neill was now causing in the side ward.

"How much extra strength can be routed through this device when it is being operated by one possessed of the true power of love!"

END