TITLE: "Bugs, Mud, and a Sidearm - Oh, my!"

AUTHOR: BKN179 (c) 2004

EMAIL: nunnally@tusco.net

RATING: NC-17

SUMMARY: Offworld, Sam and Jack must deal with a dirty situation. A story with just enough plot to get them `nekkid' - which means not only do they not have their clothes on but they are up to something.

CLASSIFICATIONS: Somewhere in the seventh season.

SPOILERS: Slight for Evolution

ARCHIVE: SJD and any other interested parties

DISCLAIMER: All Stargate SG-1 characters and references belong to their respective copyright holders.

NOTES: I wasn't going to write this. But then Apophsis Queen offered me chocolate. . .

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As the collapsing wormhole whooshed behind them, SG-1 paused for a moment on the stone platform to survey the surrounding terrain and get their bearings.

"Well, kids", announced Colonel O'Neill, "here we are again, somewhere over the rainbow and skies are . . . green?!? Carter! Why is the sky _ green?"

"Well, sir" replied the Major, "it probably has to do with how the sunlight is filtered by the atmospheric gases, refracted, and then reflected..."

"Ut,ut, ut!" stammered O'Neill. His right index finger was raised in warning to halt a very thorough and completely accurate scientific explanation. "Never mind. It's probably because most of this planet seems to be one big swamp."

"That's very close to the truth, Jack. Although the UAV also showed some dry ground along with exposed rock strata that indicated the presence of naquada." Daniel's head kept swiveling as he spoke. Ever the inquisitive explorer, his eyes searched every detail of what, at least in the immediate area, seemed to be one big swamp. But his eyesight was no match for Teal'cs'.

"Indeed, DanielJackson. I can see such a rock formation approximately one mile from this location."

"Okay," ordered Jack. "We're not here to write a travel brochure. Let's just check it out for naquada, do a quick survey, then the geology teams can do the rest. T, take point. Daniel, watch where you step. Carter, keep an eye on Daniel in case the swamp tries to swallow him and I'll watch your six."

[I didn't hear that, did I?] - thought Sam. "Sir?" she asked, stifling a giggle.

"Six, Carter. I said I'll watch _ our_ six. Move out", Jack responded. He kept his head down while he spoke. His ears were burning slightly and he knew it was not from the sun. [Damn!] - he thought. [I'm too old to be blushing and certainly not for some slip of the tongue while on a mission. It's one thing to be flirting but ... she does have a nice `six' though ... okay, Jack, down boy. It's a swamp. Lot's of mud, no romance, probably bugs - maybe mosquitoes ... like that time at summer camp when he was 18 and he went skinny dipping with .... no, no, no! Swamp, mission, naquada, boring.]

In front of him Carter smiled to herself. She could still be surprised by him. Even after all this time working together, fighting side by side, all the comments that had flown back and forth between them. Lately though he seemed to be slipping, as in Freudian slip. [A Freudian slip], she thought. [Slip - that reminds me of that red half slip and matching chamois I saw in the mall last weekend. I remember wondering if Jack would like it. Oh, nuts. Now my mind is wandering. We are here for rocks. The UAV indicated there were naquada bearing rocks. We're just suppose to get some rocks off this planet ... I'd like to help Jack get his rocks off. My nipples crinkled just thinking about him at the store.] She let out a slight moan as she realized that even now, schlepping along this muddy trail behind Teal'c and Daniel, her nipples were erect and rubbing against her sports bra beneath her BDUs.

"Sam, you okay?" asked Daniel, as he turned around to face her, still walking up the trail behind Teal'c but now backwards.

"Yeah, Daniel, I'm fine", Sam replied. Now she ducked her head to hide a blush.

Daniel turned around to continue behind Teal'c but not in time to realize the jaffa' had stopped dead in his tracks. He bounced off him, falling off the trail and into the deeper muck surrounding it.

"O'Neill," he whispered as he dropped into a half-crouch with his staff weapon at the ready. His eyes were searching for whatever or whoever was responsible for the scene before him.

Jack rushed up with his P-90 prepared to fire. "Oh, for crying loud Daniel. Carter, get him out of there. Whatcha' got, Teal'c?"

"I see many dead jaffa', O'Neill. But no signs of any other combatants, no visible wounds on the dead, none of the typical signs of battle."

Standing beside his friend, Jack was soon joined by Carter with her P-90 in hand and a damp, muddy Daniel who was reaching for his 9mm sidearm. Together they silently examined what Teal'c had discovered.

Before them lay armor, headpieces, staff weapons, zats, and bones. Lots of bones - bones of the Jaffa' and bones of their Go'auld symbiotes. The fine bones of the Go'auld all seemed to be curled up as if they were still in their pouch. The jaffa' skeletons, for the most part, appeared to be neatly laid out, still within the armor. Most weapons were close by as if dropped. Others were still clutched by skeletal fingers.

Eventually the shock of such a massacre wore off and the team began to respond, "Holy ..." What the ..." "Indeed" "Jack, we're not in Kansas anymore."

"Ya think, Daniel? These guys are picked cleaner than a turkey at Thanksgiving. It wasn't flying monkeys that did this. What did?" Jack cast his eyes about their perimeter, realizing that daylight was beginning to fad. He absently slapped at his neck to discourage some sort of biting insect. "Damn, the bugs are starting to come out, people."

As if his announcement was a dinner bell, both Carter and Teal's began to swat at insects. Daniel watched his comrades with mild amusement. They didn't seem to be bothering him. At least, not as much.

"Colonel," Carter began, " these bones are almost polished, like what you might see in an medical display."

"Ya' mean like the skeleton in high school biology class? The one the guys would take and hang in some girls locker?" Jack interrupted.

Daniel turned and gave Jack a half smile, Teal'c lifted an eyebrow, and Carter showed him a blank face which meant she was thinking [I bet you were the one who thought of doing it, too.] "Yes, Sir", she continued. "Like Teal'c said there are no signs of wounds caused by weapons fire, either energy weapons or projectile. The armor is intact. But all the soft tissue seems to be gone, like it was eaten away. Yet there are no indications of teeth marks."

"Okay, there's something hostile here. Every body keep their eyes open. Let's head for those rocks Teal'c saw. There should be some ground there dry enough to make camp. We can set up the tents and put on some repellent that will keep the bugs away." Orders given, Jack waved the team on.

He was partially correct. The ground was getting drier as they approached the rocks. The water began to recede into pools, then ponds, until they were finally walking along the shore of a lake. There even seemed to be a number of flat, grassy spots from which to choose a camp site. Some had a type of tree which could provide shade when the sun rose tomorrow. But he was wrong about the bugs.

Dropping their packs at the most likely location, Teal'c and O'Neill began to check the perimeter of the clearing. Seeing no immediate danger they joined Carter and Daniel in first, finding the government issued bug repellent. Applying it liberally they spread it on their exposed flesh - hands, face, neck, and ears.

Ever helpful, Jack waited until Carter had turned her back to him. Then, taking his plastic bottle of the repellent, he squirted a jet of the cool liquid inside her shirt collar so that it ran down her back.

Daniel and Teal'c both looked up quickly at the sound of her yelp. Realizing that Jack was the cause for her alarm, they trading a knowing look before turning their backs to the pair and setting up their tent.

"Colonel!"

"What? You missed a spot."

"Right, sir." She thought, [Things had been going so well. Okay, a pile of dead jaffa' from who knows what, his slip of the tongue and her wandering mind but basically they had stayed on task. Now that man does some juvenile trick like this ... I wonder if I can tie his boot laces together before he wakes up in the morning?]

Tents up, they turned to their rations. Daniel always had some comment if they dared refer to eating MRE's with anything close to normal terms for a meal. He had stated on more than occasion that what they did to macaroni and cheese could be classified as a scientific crime against humanity.

However, no sooner had they torn open the packets when the bugs again made their presence known. "Carter!" Slap. "Are you sure you packed the right stuff and not just sugar water?", bellowed Jack using his grumpy colonel voice.

"Sir," slap, slap, "it's the same as you used in Nicaragua when you went in after Daniel." Slap, slap. "It worked then, didn't it?" Carter's response seemed to be delivered during an acrobatic attempt to swat and scratch all at the same time.

"Ya, sure, youbetcha." he replied. "It usually works in Minnesota, too. This part kinda reminds me of one of the lakes. See those reeds down there? They look like ones we'd cut as kids to breathe through as we swam under water. All we need now is a few loons and some Indians to come by in a canoe to harvest the wild rice. We sure got enough of these mosquito things."

Teal'c noticed it first. "DanielJackson, MajorCarter, ColonelO'Neill! These insects are much more dangerous than your mosquitoes from Earth. Their bites are not just drawing blood but they are beginning to take pieces of my flesh."

Even Daniel was having trouble with the bugs now. The repellent was of no help to jaffa' or human. Not only was exposed flesh being attacked but their uniforms provided no protection either. All were beginning to suffer from bleeding insect bites wherever the bugs landed.

It was Carter who sounded the next alarm. "Colonel, I think this is just an advance party. That dark cloud over the swamp isn't a cloud. It's a large swarm. We have got to get out of here now! Our clothes don't stop the bugs and the tents won't either. I think we know what ate the jaffa' we saw on the way here."

O'Neill never thought of himself as the smartest colonel but he did know how to make a command decision quickly. "We'll never make it back to the gate through that. Drop your gear and follow me!," he shouted. Shedding his own equipment harness, his fatigue jacket followed it as he ran for the lake. Close behind were Carter, Daniel, and Teal'c. Behind them was the swarm of hungry, buzzing insects seeking to make a meal of them all.

Hopping on one foot to shed first one boot, then the other, Jack then pulled out his Swiss Army knife. As the others shed the last of their equipment and extraneous clothing, he ordered, "Everybody into the water. I'm cutting us all reeds to breathe through. Maybe we can wait out the bugs."

Handing out the reeds, they all lay down in the water just far enough out that their bodies were covered but the ends of the hollow reeds were exposed. The evening air had begun to cool but the water was still lukewarm from the day's sun. Looking up through the water they could see the swarm hovering. They occasionally attacked the clothing that had been shed on the shore and then would come back over the water.

[How long can this go on?] thought Carter. [Can we get out after dark?] She hated to admit it to herself but etymology was not something about which she knew a great deal. What were the feeding habits of these insects? Would they go away at dark? At dawn?

As if sensing her shift into mental high gear, Jack shifted slightly so that his leg was now beside hers. She jumped at first, then settled when he took her free hand in his and gave a squeeze. Looking through the lake bottom haze she could see his brown eyes holding her in a steady gaze. [Was that a wink he just gave me?] she thought. [Damn the man. Here we are inches from death and he's playing footsie and giving me the eye. I'll show him.]

Shifting her weight, she lifted her leg to lay it over his and began to lightly stroke the back of his hand with her fingertips. He rolled slightly towards her. [What is that lump? Am I laying on a stick? I saw Jack drop his harness and jacket. Did he leave his pistol belt on? ], Sam considered. [The 9mm sidearm is fairly waterproof but why didn't he leave it on the shore with the rest of their gear? It's not like he can use it against the bugs.]

Just as Jack was considering his next act a finger poked him from the opposite side. Turning his head he saw Daniel motioning toward the surface. The cloud of insects had diminished but some were still present - and standing among them was what appeared to be a human being.

Whoever he was, he was waving his hand, beckoning them to come to the surface. Jack pointed at Teal'c. Daniel turned to alert him while Jack made hand signs to Carter.

Like tired swimmers they all slowly rose from the depths. Water streamed from the humans' hair and dripped noisily from the mixture of uniform and underwear that each wore. "Carter? Daniel?" O'Neill said quietly. After all this time together they sometimes spoke in short hand. No need to ask Carter to determine if this "person" before them was human or to ask Daniel to attempt communication.

"Colonel, I don't sense any Go'auld presence and he seems in every other respect to be a human male. A naked, human male, Colonel. Although the color doesn't seem be natural. It's more like he's covered with mud. Daniel?" she asked. Her part of the examination complete she called in the cultural anthropologist.

"Yes," he replied, as if they were exchanging the podium at a lecture somewhere other than the shallows of a lake on a distant planet where they had, again, narrowly escaped death. "Any number of aboriginal tribes on Earth have rites or traditions where they decorate their bodies. But I don't see patterns - its more of an overall covering."

Their visitor looked from one to the other as they spoke. When Daniel stopped, the mud-covered man held up his hand as if in greeting, and began to speak.

"Welcome. I am M'tok. You have come through the circle?"

"Yes," replied Daniel. "We have come through the circle, the stargate as we call it, from a planet called Earth. We are peaceful explorers. We did not know anyone lived here. We were looking for a special metal that we use to defend ourselves against the Go'auld."

"I know not of Earth or Go'auld," stated M'tok. "But I know of the snakebellies like him." He pointed at Teal'c. They came to steal our people, our children, and to dig on our lands. We could not stand against there weapons. We moved here, near the swamps. Now, when they come they have no protection against the s'creez yat - the flying death. They are learning not to steal from us. Tell me, why should I not leave you to the same fate?" O'Neill took this as his cue to join in the conversation. "Well, for one it would mean we'd miss out on dessert. I was just about to offer Teal'c my pistachio nut pudding in exchange for his dried peaches. Secondly, we are not snakebellies. We call them Go'auld. Teal'c is our friend. He fights against them as do we, to free people who have been enslaved by them. Thirdly, yes we want the metal as do they but we don't take. We would ask you - nicely - and say please. If you say no, we go."

M'Tok considered these words for a moment. "If I take you to my village we can talk. If I left you for the s'creez yat, we could not. I like the way you talk, one called Kernel. Come to my village so my people may consider your words. Be warned, if you deceive we will leave you to the flying death. The lake water will protect you for a short time. Come, we must hurry before you dry. Carry your belongings if you must but do not hesitate. Or the scouts may bring back the swarm."

Quickly the half-dressed and thoroughly soaked team left the lake to follow M'tok. SG-1, the pride of Stargate Command, the finest Earth had to offer, and at the moment looking like a bunch of drowned rats, jogged off into the gathering night clutching gear and clothing in their arms.

At last, they came to a circle of light. Following M'tok they entered his village. Before them was a group of naked, mud-colored people sitting around a central fire. The group seemed to be mostly adults, men and women of varying ages. Here and there small mud-covered children chased each other around the poles that held torches on the outer edge of the gathering place.

M'Tok introduced the village elders and then looked expectantly at O'Neill.

"Well, folks ... Hi!" For reasons he didn't fully understand it seemed more difficult to talk to a group naked people than it had been to talk to just M'Tok. That or the fact that he was standing there in just his t-shirt and boxers, the back of which were rapidly drying from the fire. He was starting to get bit again in some very tender places. "I'm Colonel Jack O'Neill, call me Jack. Team-mates Teal'c and Daniel. My second in command, Major Carter, or as we like to call her, Sam."

He finished up with his patented silly grin on his face hoping it would appear friendly. Teal'c bowed encouragingly and Daniel nodded his head. Carter was looking mostly at something unseen behind Jack's left ear. Between all the naked people and Jack's wet white boxers (which seemed to reveal more than cover) it seemed the safe alternative.

When Jack had introduced his team-mates the group had nodded in a seemingly friendly fashion. But as he introduced Sam, the began to smile and act outright friendly.

"Why did you not tell us you brought mates and your zekkund with you?" M'tok exclaimed. "The snakebellies come with only those who make war. Those who want to make friends come as you do. You will stay with us tonight and be kept safe from the flying death. In the morning we will talk. "

With that they were led off. Daniel and Teal'c were taken to one hut while O'Neill and Carter went to another next to it. Inside were what appeared to be a number of household utensils and a bed. _A_ bed noticed Sam and Jack, separately but at the same instant. One, Uno, Ein, uh-oh.

"Colonel, they must have misunderstood your introduction. When M'Tok repeated what you had said, he didn't call Daniel and Teal'c team-mates, he called them mates. He didn't call me your second in command but your zekkund, that must mean wife or something. That's why they divided us up the way they did."

Jack had just pursed his lips to make a reply when a young woman entered the hut. In her hands was a pot which seemed to be full of mud, almost the same color as the woman that brought it. "You must wear this," she explained. "When it dries it repels the flying death. You must wear only this. Cloth can not hold it to you, only skin. It must cover all of you. This way you may stay with us and not be devoured as are the snakebellies."

With that she left.

"Oh my," Carter managed to say, quietly. She still wasn't looking at O'Neill directly. She had her pants on but at the lake there had been so many bugs caught in her clothing that she had shed both her fatigue jacket and t-shirt. Quickly she turned her back to the colonel and crossed her arms over her chests. It wasn't that cold. Yer her her nipples were definitely on display through her sports bra, much to her embarrassment.

Jack likewise turned his back to her. The bugs weren't bothering him so much in the hut. But after seeing the young woman who brought in the mud pot, and now being so close to Carter with them both half undressed. [Oh, hell!], he thought as his boxers began to tent up in the front. [Hockey, puck, fuck - NO - goalie, hat trick, no way I can score that many times in one night I'm too old.] "Dammit!" he said aloud.

"Sir?" inquired Carter.

"Major, Carter ... Sam, we are both professionals. Together we've come through many tight situations, have seen each other at our best and worse, and accomplished some difficult things. If it takes a mud suit to keep from being eaten and get some naquada besides, we can do this."

"Your right, Colonel, Sir ... Jack. We're professionals, we can do this.", Carter sighed.

[O damn, why did she sigh?], Jack groaned inwardly. "I'll put the pot between us so we can keep our backs turned while we get undressed and apply it."

With that they removed their clothing, and began to apply the mud. They did not speak. They would later realize that is when it began to happen.

It is next to impossible to remove wet clothing quietly. In close quarters, even when not looking, each knew exactly what the other was doing. The long held and often denied attraction between them was inflamed by their imaginations.

Elastic snapped against wet skin with a distinctive sound. Bra first, then naked breasts, swaying gently as she leaned over to pull off her soggy pants. Panties rolled down to reveal her pubic hair. Then all laid out to the side in the vain hope that they might be put on in the morning.

Boxers lowered, a penis rapidly filling with blood smacked against his stomach as it was freed from its cotton prison. T-shirt rolled up and over the head, revealing a chest peppered with gray hair.

They sighed in unison.

Sitting, both reached behind themselves for the mud pot. Their hands touched. Simultaneously a near electric shock seemed to run down each of their backs, curl in the stomachs, and warm their sex. Their bodies natural lubricants flowed despite their mental appeals to professionalism.

Reluctantly the hands withdrew, each filled with mud to be applied to their bodies. Hair and head, face, neck and ears. Jack started to remember the children's song, [Head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes]. He snorted so it wouldn't come out as a laugh.

"Are you having fun over there by yourself, Jack?"

"It's not what you think, Sam."

"What am I thinking, Jack?"

"If I knew that then I'd be the good-looking genius."

Hands moved back and forth from pot to body. Only the rhythm began to change. No longer were they trying to avoid touch but began to seek it. Hand over hand slid in and out of the pot. Fingers to palm, thumb over fingers in slow, sensual motion. Slick with mud their hands traveled over their bodies. But in their minds eye the hand belonged to the other.

As the mud began to run out, Sam began to speak. "Jack, they said we have to be completely covered. What if we missed a spot?"

"Oh, well, um, yes, I guess we should check each other's back"

"You'll watch my six?"

The only response she got was a groan from Jack, a typical response to a joke that had gotten the better of him. At least, it seemed that way until she realized he had turned and was watching her six.

"There's a few spots here." He lightly touched the back of her neck, just at the hairline. Then slowly he brought his fingers around behind her ears. Trailing down her back, his hands came to a stop just above the swell of her bottom. "There's another one just at the base of your spine."

[Not that spot] she thought. But it was too late. His finger painting with mud was more like a mini-massage at that special place and she began to feel the beginning of a quiver. "Stand up," he breathed and she obeyed. Working up from her ankles he rubbed calf and thigh, underneath the taunt globes, and then . . . he slide his hands between her legs, one hand on each, and moved them up to where her legs joined.

Slowly he moved them back and forth, his thumbs rubbing her vaginal lips and clitoris. She lost the capacity for coherent speech. The mind is the most powerful aphrodisiac and hers had been working overtime. Her quiver became a quake as she orgasmed. As she sank to her knees all she could manage to say was, "Oh, Jack...."

Holding her shoulders they still had not faced each other. After a few moments, when her breathing had settled, Sam moved and said, "Turn about Jack, it's my time for fair play."

He turned and felt her gentle touch explore his back. Fingers trailed across his broad shoulders to massage neck, to twirl about his ears. [Damn!], Jack thought again, [How did she know about me and ears? It's not like I'm a Ferengi but that is such a turn on ...] He lost track of his thoughts at that moment. Sam's hands were longer on his neck but had moved downward. Trailing along his ribs she did touch up the few spots he'd missed. [If anyone is going to eat this man alive it's me], she thought.

Both knew this was no longer about mud or bugs. "Why Colonel," she purred. "I do believe you managed to bring your sidearm. Should we field strip it to make sure it's still fully functional after the lake?" Her hands moved around him. One cradled his balls while the other stroked his penis. As if he weren't wet enough, the mud was extremely slick and was an excellent lubricant. "We wouldn't want any nasty bites hear would we?"

She thought he was trying to say no but it came out as "Nggggg". Not much later he came.

Jack lumped forward to rest on his hands and knees. Sam shamelessly draped herself over his back. As his breathing slowed and became more regular, he began to speak. "Sam, Carter ... we are both military professionals."

[Oh no!] she thought, [He can't pull away from me now. This is the man I've followed for seven years. We've fought and bled together.]

"Sam," he continued, " it is my professional opinion that I love you. I want to be with you. I want to share with you how I feel. But on Earth, not here. Let's get some sleep, do a deal with these people, and go home."

"Oh, Jack" she sighed as she kissed the back of his mud-covered head.

They lay down together on the one bed without a comment. He spooned up against her back. Before he fell asleep he heard her ask, "Colonel, what is that?"

"Major, I swear, its my sidearm. Go to sleep"

_______________

As the collapsing wormhole whooshed behind them, SG-1 paused for a moment on the platform to survey the surroundings and get their bearings.

"Well, kids", announced Colonel O'Neill, "there's no place like home."

Carter quickly pulled a fatigue jacket over herself, hoping no one would notice that it said O'Neill on the pocket. But it was just big enough to cover her until she could get to the locker room.

General Hammond stood open-mouthed at the bottom of the ramp. In fact, the entire security detail and control room staff needed to pick their collective jaws up off the floor. It wasn't every day the SG-1 walked through the gate, Carter wearing only an almost too short jacket and the men naked except for mud-colored paint.

"Colonel," the general shouted,"what are you doing dressed ... I mean undressed .... the mud ... where are your weapons ... what about the naquada?"

"Sir, the naquada is ours for the taking. As for the rest, the short answer is mud, bugs, and I do still have my sidearm. After a shower and change into uniform I'll be happy to fill in the details at the debriefing."

- 30 -