TITLE : His Dirty Job and Her Scapegoat
AUTHOR: Blue Topaz
EMAIL: blue-topaz@lycos.com
RATING: PG.
CATEGORY: Humor
PAIRING: Sam/Jack
SPOILER: none
SUMMARY: Sam and Jack are forced to write a journal together. Day 18 & 19.
SERIES: 14th story in 'His and Hers' www.geocities.com/bluetopazfic/index#hah
ARCHIVE: SJD and Carterfic
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. No copyright infringement is intended. Please do not post or distribute this story without the author's permission. Copyright by Blue Topaz, 2003
Note: I'm overwhelmed by all the reactions that I received since I announced that the series will end. It took me by surprise that people do care about this series that much. Thank you for all the encouragement, I'll try to make the end as painless as possible. And that's a promise ;). Thanks to Sandra who beta-read this part.
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URL of this story (for
better formatting):
www.geocities.com/bluetopazfic/hisandhers14.htm
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*Thursday, 24 July 2003*
03.12 : Jack O'Neill
Carter, are you there?
03.14 : Sam Carter
I'm with my Dad at the
moment. I'll get back to you later.
03.14 : Jack O'Neill
Copy that. Get back to
me as soon as you ditch your Dad.
03.14 : Sam Carter
Hey!
***
03.58 : Sam Carter
Dad is talking to Prefect
Tren right now. What's up?
03.59 : Jack O'Neill
Can you meet me at the
entrance of the town hall? You don't have anything else to do, do you?
03.59 : Sam Carter
Sure.
Oh yeah, why aren't you
using your radio? It's easier that way. And may I ask what you want me
there for?
03.59 : Jack O'Neill
And let the whole SGC
contingent know what we're up to? That will defeat the purpose of our mission.
And as for what, I'll let you know once you're here.
03.59 : Sam Carter
This is a mission? I'll
be there in half an hour. Just let me tell Dad that I'm going first.
04.00 : Jack O'Neill
Copy that.
***
04.47 : Sam Carter
How did you get all this
stuff? And dare I ask how did you smuggle it here?
04.47 : Jack O'Neill
'Smuggle' is such a strong
word to use. I might not have permission to bring it over here, but there
are no regulations that prohibit us to do just that.
04.47 : Sam Carter
Whatever.
04.48 : Jack O'Neill
Are you in place yet?
04.48 : Sam Carter
Yes. I can see them from
up here. By the way, why don't you do this by yourself? Why do you want
me to do this?
04.48 : Jack O'Neill
Because I need to be
present down here, setting up an alibi, in case Griff notices something
is off. Don't you know that he has some kind of sixth sense when someone
is watching him? This way, he won't suspect me. And for all he knows, you're
with your Dad.
04.48 : Sam Carter
In other words, you want
me to do your dirty work.
04.48 : Jack O'Neill
Would it make you feel
better if I don't deny that?
04.48 : Sam Carter
I guess not.
04.48 : Jack O'Neill
So, what do you see?
04.48 : Sam Carter
Griff and Prefect Dhita
are walking side by side in the garden.
04.48 : Jack O'Neill
I know that. Have you
got the reception from the bug that I planted in his hat? Hear anything
interesting?
04.49 : Sam Carter
No, I'm still setting up the equipment. Give me ten minutes. It should be ready by then.
PS: Why are we're doing
this again? I feel like I'm intruding on his privacy. And he really has
to start not trusting you as much as he does right now. How did you plant
that bug in his hat anyway?
04.49 : Jack O'Neill
Serves him right. He lost all his privacy from the moment he agreed to join your class. Unlike the others, he had the balls to put it into practice. And we BOTH know that, so crush your guilt and do your job.
As for the bug, it's
for me to know and for you to find out.
04.49 : Sam Carter
I'm only doing this to humor you.
And for your own safety
(or sanity, your pick), I hope you'll never do to me what you're doing
to him.
04.49 : Jack O'Neill
That OK. I'm not picky, really.
And don't worry about
my safety, Carter. I have other methods to get my way with you. And they
are more fun too.
04.49 : Sam Carter
Don't tell me. I don't
want to be overly paranoid every time you're around me.
04.50 : Jack O'Neill
Your wish is my command.
***
04.56 : Sam Carter
I've got the audio.
04.56 : Jack O'Neill
OK. Do you hear anything
interesting?
04.56 : Sam Carter
Like what?
04.56 : Jack O'Neill
Carter ...
04.57 : Sam Carter
Not yet, Sir. They're
just talking about the weather and stuff. Oh, and they're also talking
about the differences between our world and hers.
04.57 : Jack O'Neill
Boring.
Man, he needs some lesson
in pick-up lines.
04.57 : Sam Carter
He doesn't need any,
Sir. Women often find some pick-up lines to be corny. And as proof, I can
tell you that they seem to be having a great time. Lots of smiles and blushes.
04.57 : Jack O'Neill
Blushes? Who's blushing?
04.57 : Sam Carter
Both.
04.57 : Jack O'Neill
Griff blushes? I don't
have to tell you to get a picture of that, do I?
04.57 : Sam Carter
Sir, I may be reluctant
to do this, but I'm not stupid. I've got 4 or 5 shots already.
04.57 : Jack O'Neill
Good girl. Keep me posted.
04.57 : Sam Carter
Will do.
***
05.31 : Sam Carter
Sir, I need to go back
to my Dad now. Nothing too big happening down there. He is just being invited
to a dinner at her house tonight.
05.32 : Jack O'Neill
A date? And you said
that nothing big was happening?
05.32 : Sam Carter
Yes, it's nothing big.
He likes her, and she definitely likes him. It's only natural for her to
invite him to dinner. It's no big deal.
05.32 : Jack O'Neill
Carter, don't you have
a single romantic bone in your body?
05.32 : Sam Carter
I'm just being rational.
Griff will be a perfect gentleman tonight. He won't break regulations.
Thus, nothing interesting (that will send you to your gutter heaven) will
happen.
05.32 : Jack O'Neill
That's not the way to
talk to your CO.
05.32 : Sam Carter
Well, the thing is, my
CO made me do his dirty work. So, I think it's only fair to talk to him
that way.
05.32 : Jack O'Neill
Point taken. I still
need the details for his date tonight, though.
05.32 : Sam Carter
After sunset. It's around
11.00 our time.
05.32 : Jack O'Neill
Sweet. I'll meet you
in the city centre at 10.00.
05.32 : Sam Carter
Why?
05.33 : Jack O'Neill
To spy on Griff, of course.
05.33 : Sam Carter
Why can't we just leave
him alone now, Sir? We've already confirmed his feelings. That alone should
satisfy the rumor mill. The tape and the pictures that I took will confirm
that. Our work here is done.
05.33 : Jack O'Neill
It's not done yet. I
hate it when people don't do their jobs all the way through.
05.33 : Sam Carter
You're only looking for
more ammunition against the Major in case he decides to put my teaching
into practice.
05.33 : Jack O'Neill
That too.
05.33 : Sam Carter
Fine, fine. I'll see
you at 10.00.
***
09.03 : Sam Carter
Colonel, I have a problem.
09.03 : Jack O'Neill
A problem?
09.04 : Sam Carter
Yes, Dad has just finished
talking to the locals. He wants to spend more time with me now. And to
be honest, we haven't had much quality time lately. Can I bring him along?
09.04 : Jack O'Neill
No, you cannot bring
your Dad along. What would he say if he knew what we were up to?
09.04 : Sam Carter
He'd say that we're out
of our minds? Or maybe ask why you are corrupting his little girl?
09.04 : Jack O'Neill
Fine, fine. You mingle
with your Dad. I'll do this alone.
09.04 : Sam Carter
Thank you, Sir. I really
appreciate this.
09.04 : Jack O'Neill
Anything for you, Carter.
Anything for you.
09.04 : Sam Carter
Great. Then keep me posted
on what's going on with Griff and his new girlfriend, OK?
09.05 : Jack O'Neill
I don't know whether
to hate you or adore you.
09.05 : Sam Carter
Funny, Dad often says
the same thing.
09.05 : Jack O'Neill
Jacob and I have so much
in common.
09.05 : Sam Carter
I'll tell him that, Sir.
I bet he'd love to hear it.
09.05 : Jack O'Neill
You do that. And also
tell him to talk some common sense into his daughter's head. She needs
it lately.
09.05 : Sam Carter
Will do. I'll see you
later in our accommodations, Sir.
09.05 : Jack O'Neill
See you later, Carter.
***
12.13 : Sam Carter
Dear Colonel O'Neill,
With this letter, I would like to inform you that my plan for this evening has proven to be a gigantic waste of time. My Dad, as usual, acted like a ... Dad. Can you help me out with my predicament? Any help or suggestions are greatly appreciated.
Yours sincerely,
Major Carter.
PS: Please, pretty please.
I'm desperate here.
12.14 : Jack O'Neill
Wow, that bad? What did
your Dad do this time?
12.14 : Sam Carter
Well, he's making a big
deal of (the lack of) my love life. He said that I'm at the right age to
settle down and give him some grandchildren. Same old, same old.
12.14 : Jack O'Neill
He said that straight
on your face? Brave man.
12.14 : Sam Carter
Well, he didn't say that exactly. He's smart and wise (with the help of Selmac) enough not to do that. But that's the gist of our conversation.
So, can you help me?
12.14 : Jack O'Neill
Sure. Where are you by
the way?
12.15 : Sam Carter
Inside the women's toilet
in one of the restaurants in the city. Can you radio me in five minutes,
saying that you need me to do a parameter check or something? This way,
I can bail out on him without hurting his feelings.
12.15 : Jack O'Neill
You have to stop using
me as your scapegoat, you know. I won't be around forever.
12.15 : Sam Carter
As long as you're still
here ...
12.15 : Jack O'Neill
OK then, in five minutes,
I'll contact you.
12.15 : Sam Carter
Thanks Sir. I owe you.
12.15 : Jack O'Neill
You owe me a lot.
12.15 : Sam Carter
I know.
12.15 : Jack O'Neill
Hey, does this mean that
you'll join me spying on Griff's date?
12.15 : Sam Carter
Sure, might as well do
that. I don't have anything better to do. Where are you?
12.16 : Jack O'Neill
I'm outside his girlfriend's
house. Do you know where it is?
12.16 : Sam Carter
I think so. She showed
it to us earlier this morning.
12.16 : Jack O'Neill
Good. I'll meet you there.
And Carter, if you could,
please be an angel and bring me some decent food to eat.
12.16 : Sam Carter
Consider it done.
***
15.44 : Sam Carter
Wow. For the record,
that was the most fun I've had on a stakeout.
15.45 : Jack O'Neill
You got that right.
15.45 : Sam Carter
Did you see Griff's face
when he saw us?
15.45 : Jack O'Neill
That's because you can't
keep a straight face.
15.45 : Sam Carter
Hey, even though I had
a serious expression on my face, I still think that his face would turn
red. He was so embarrassed. Poor Griff.
15.46 : Jack O'Neill
Poor Griff? He got the
girl, Carter. You need to redefine your description of 'poor' here.
15.46 : Sam Carter
But he was stuttering.
I've never seen him like that.
15.46 : Jack O'Neill
That's because we caught
him red-handed leaving his girlfriend's house late at night. And because
we asked for an explanation.
15.46 : Sam Carter
Don't forget the way
you recited some of the things that he told her earlier. He SO knows that
we put a wire on him.
15.46 : Jack O'Neill
That too.
15.46 : Sam Carter
Anyway, I just wanted
to say goodnight, Sir. Thanks for all the fun.
15.46 : Jack O'Neill
Anytime. I'll see you
tomorrow.
15.46 : Sam Carter
See you then.
***
22.21 : Jack O'Neill
Are you awake yet?
22.21 : Sam Carter
Kind of. No matter how
many missions I've been on, I'll never get used to the time difference.
I can't switch my body on and off like that.
22.21 : Jack O'Neill
You'll learn how. Someday.
Anyway, can you meet
me outside?
22.21 : Sam Carter
Why? Is there something
wrong?
22.22 : Jack O'Neill
I noticed that Griff
has gone missing from his bed. I bet you my right arm that he went to see
his girlfriend. Do you want to find out what he's been up to?
22.22 : Sam Carter
Sure, why not? Give me
five minutes to get ready.
22.22 : Jack O'Neill
You got it.
***
*Friday, 25 July 2003*
01.01 : Jack O'Neill
That lucky bastard.
01.01 : Sam Carter
I kinda agree with you.
01.01 : Jack O'Neill
What do you mean you
'kinda' agree?
01.02 : Sam Carter
He's lucky, yes. But
he's not a bastard. Far from it, in fact.
01.02 : Jack O'Neill
Do you have a crush on
him or something? You seem to defend him a lot.
01.02 : Sam Carter
He's a nice guy.
01.02 : Jack O'Neill
You're only saying that
because he's a foolish guy who pays you $20 for an hour of nonsense and
you want to keep him that way.
01.02 : Sam Carter
Actually, I think of
him as a very smart guy for doing the thing that you just described.
01.02 : Jack O'Neill
Of course you do. Anyway,
we got the picture that we needed, right?
01.02 : Sam Carter
Yes, Sir.
01.02 : Jack O'Neill
Good. Blow it up to poster
size as soon as we get back and plastered it in the commissary, locker
room (I'll do the men, you do the women), gym, rec. room, elevator, and
any public place that you can think of. And don't forget to add the text
'The Winner of the Longest Distance Relationship' underneath it. And just
to tick him off, put the exact distance between here and her planet.
01.03 : Sam Carter
Boy, you're really pushing
your luck, aren't you?
01.03 : Jack O'Neill
He's a Major, I'm a Colonel.
He won't dare to do anything to me.
01.03 : Sam Carter
Well, I'm a Major, and
you're a Colonel. And look at the things that I do to you.
01.03 : Jack O'Neill
Do you really think that
it was a wise move to mention that to me?
01.03 : Sam Carter
No, I guess not. But
I did anyway.
01.03 : Jack O'Neill
Evil.
01.03 : Sam Carter
That's me.
01.03 : Jack O'Neill
I'll see you around,
Carter.
01.03 : Sam Carter
See you, Sir.
***
16.45 : Sam Carter
Sir, Janet is looking
for you. She said that you haven't had your post-mission examination yet.
16.46 : Jack O'Neill
I know. I'll be there
in a few minutes.
16.46 : Sam Carter
What are you doing?
16.46 : Jack O'Neill
Nothing.
16.46 : Sam Carter
Colonel ...
16.46 : Jack O'Neill
Nothing, really. Just
having a little chat with your Dad before he takes off, that's all.
16.46 : Sam Carter
What are the two of you
talking about?
16.47 : Jack O'Neill
Man's stuff. Nothing
that will interest a nice girl like you.
16.47 : Sam Carter
Do we really have to
go through this again? I'm quite sure that we both know you only said that
to avoid answering my question.
16.47 : Jack O'Neill
Ah. That's good then.
That means you won't push for the answer.
16.47 : Sam Carter
No. I'm not that dense.
I'll just have to find something to blackmail you with.
16.47 : Jack O'Neill
Oy.
16.47 : Sam Carter
Anyway, Janet's looking
for you. I've already done mine and I'm going to process Griff's picture
like you asked me to.
16.47 : Jack O'Neill
Good. Don't forget we
have a debriefing at 17.30.
16.47 : Sam Carter
I'll see you there.
***
19.50 : Jack O'Neill
Hey, I heard that Jacob
is staying for the party on Sunday. Is that true?
19.50 : Sam Carter
Afraid not, Sir. He had
to go back to Tok'ra headquarters as soon as possible to report his findings.
He'll gate back in half an hour. Do you want to see him off? And you'll
be happy to know that Anise/Freya is going with him.
19.51 : Jack O'Neill
Really? Then I'm definitely
going to see them off.
19.51 : Sam Carter
I think they'd like that.
19.51 : Jack O'Neill
Carter, are you going
home tonight?
19.51 : Sam Carter
Yes, as soon as my Dad
is gone, I'm going home. I'm going to bed early. Why?
19.51 : Jack O'Neill
For tomorrow, do you
want me to pick you up or do you want to meet at the supermarket straight
away?
19.51 : Sam Carter
I'll meet you at the
supermarket, Sir. That way we'll have two cars to carry all the food and
drinks.
19.51 : Jack O'Neill
OK. And you still remember
that you owe me a home-cooked meal, right?
19.52 : Sam Carter
I wouldn't forget it
for the world. Don't worry, Colonel, it'll be edible.
19.52 : Jack O'Neill
Good. I'm just making
sure that you're not going to chicken out on me.
19.52 : Sam Carter
Not a chance in Hell.
I said I'd cook for you. That means I'll cook for you. Any special requirement?
19.52 : Jack O'Neill
Just make sure that you
didn't poison my food, OK?
19.52 : Sam Carter
No poison, got it.
19.52 : Jack O'Neill
See you in Gateroom then.
19.52 : Sam Carter
Bye.
***
21.34 : Sam Carter
Colonel, I forget to
ask what time you want to meet tomorrow.
21.34 : Jack O'Neill
11.00. Not too early,
not too late either. What do you think?
21.34 : Sam Carter
11.00 is perfect. Have
you written down the shopping list yet?
21.35 : Jack O'Neill
What do you think I am? A housewife?
I don't need a shopping
list. How hard can it be? We're just gonna buy some meat, salad, fruit,
bread, beer, soda, fruit juice, and charcoal.
21.35 : Sam Carter
You are such a man. I'll
make one then.
21.35 : Jack O'Neill
Suit yourself.
21.35 : Sam Carter
All right, I'm off to
bed now. See you tomorrow.
21.35 : Jack O'Neill
Sweet dreams.
21.35 : Sam Carter
You too.
***
AN: One more story to
go. I haven't finished the grand finale yet, thus it is untitled so far,
and it may take a while before I posted it. As usual, any feedback, review,
bloopers even nit-picking are welcome *g*.
12.14 : Sam Carter
Well, he's making a big
deal of (the lack of) my love life. He said that I'm at the right age to
settle down and give him some grandchildren. Same old, same old.
12.14 : Jack O'Neill
Tell Jacob that I'm volunteering
to be the father of those children.