TITLE: Dark Haven
AUTHOR: Divine Joker
EMAIL: souls_darkangel@yahoo.com
RATING: R (graphic images – NOT sexual)
SPOILERS: Grace (totally and irrevocably!), with a few pre-Chimera assumptions written in.
SUMMARY: She could admit to herself that while she liked the silence and solitude of her house, there was a deep scar running up the middle, a yawning chasm of loneliness that she hadn't tried to fix in her desperate need to remove herself from emotional pain.
CATEGORY: S/J angst, UST
ARCHIVE: SJD, my site.
DISCLAIMER: Oh, they're not mine. But this can allow me to think that they are and that's the fun part.
A/N: So, I was just hit with the reality that I can't satisfy all my readers with good fic… but that's doesn't mean that I'm not going to try. I'll give a little bit of a warning, however, it doesn't really end on a happy *happy* note. So I hope that this isn't way off topic (I'm pretty sure it isn't) and enjoy!
((**<<***>>**))
There was a smell on the gentle alien breeze, something that tickled the back of Major Samantha Carter's nose. It felt as if she should be able to place the scent, and it was beginning to bother her. As she moved behind her fellow team mates over the gently wooded hills, she searched her memory to try and place the odour.
She had noticed that it had been getting stranger in the last ten minutes and it had now gone from an annoyingly familiar scent to an overwhelmingly nauseating stench.
"Oh God." She breathed as they crested a hill and looked into the valley below.
The origin of the smell was now plainly and painfully obvious.
Below them, in scattered patches of trampled grass lay bodies. That was all she could think of: bodies lying everywhere in the dented earth. Areas of the ground still smouldered with dying flames, flickering in the calm wind and still among those were the ruined foundations of several small huts or houses, fallen roughly wherever the attackers had deemed for them to go.
She stood frozen on the peak, an impersonal overseer to the aftermath of a massacre until it's reality hit her in the gut and she doubled over, retching her meagre breakfast onto the alien earth. Dimly beside her, she could hear the same reaction from Daniel as he moved several feet away into the small bushes to the side.
She knelt meekly on the cold, dry dirt, her eyes closed against the reality of her situation laying in the floor of the gully. They hadn't known what to expect on a routine scouting expedition, but never in her dreams had she thought of running into an entire village rotting in death.
Not even in her nightmares.
A water bottle appeared at her cheek, its cool metal soothing the burning of her cheek with the promise of water on its inside. She took a deep calming breath and turned to find the deep brown eyes of the Colonel staring down at her in concern. Sudden and flashing embarrassment flushed her cheeks once more and the Colonel's concern turned to acceptance.
"Don't worry about it, Carter. Have something to drink, it'll feel better."
The burning of the bile still clutched the back of her tongue and she gratefully took the water to her lips, taking in the liquid to quench the fire in her throat. For a brief, shining moment, she allowed the crystal liquid to not only wash the taste from her throat, but the sight form her mind. There was nothing wrong with the valley below and the scent that clung to the inside of her nose was nothing more than…
I would never ask you to give up your career
Gone was the imaginary scent of fresh flowers and ripening raspberries, instead the groaning and beeping of the Prometheus, marooned in a gas cloud… all alone.
His face flashed before her eyes as he had been then, sitting across from her on the Prometheus. Calm, collected and unshakeable. Regardless that he had been as she had projected him, there were things that had definitely been made clearer to her that day.
She blinked, shaking his imaginary face to look into his real one, worry shining through his eyes. She could still read him.
Because you don't feel anything for me?
Carter…
I'd let you go right now if I knew
It would be that easy?
Her eyes flickered to his for a moment again, her brain scrambling to regain a hold of reality. She had let it slip for two seconds with the drink of water, and now she couldn't focus on anything.
It would be that easy?
God, no. But that's not the point, she thought.
"Carter?" His voice bordered between questioning and demanding.
She shook her head again to clear the escaping thoughts and scrambled unsteadily to her feet. Feeling slightly light headed, she reached out for balance and ended up grabbing his flak vest, her fingers gripping the material until her knuckles turned white. She closed her eyes for a few moments, glad that he wasn't moving, and felt a minute wave of vertigo take her senses for a moment before they settled back in their rightful place.
She opened her eyes.
"I'm okay, sir."
The word ran sour over her tongue and she wanted nothing more than to curl up into a ball and refuse to look down into the gully. She shook her head, knowing that the illusion would only make the reality harder to understand. A quick glance over her shoulder assured her that Teal'c was attending to Daniel and the archaeologist was now standing feebly, his hands resting on his knees to steady himself. Teal'c stood protective guard only a few paces behind, ready to catch Daniel should his legs fail.
It only seemed fitting that the two seasoned warriors were watching over the not-so seasoned soldiers. And Sam knew with a certainty that it wasn't because the sight didn't sicken them, it was just that both the Colonel and Teal'c had a greater reign over their reactions.
Nothing had hit Sam this hard since the death of her mother. She recalled nearly passing out in the kitchen when her father had told her of the accident and it was only by his quick reaction that she didn't knock herself out on the corner of a counter. But this was where she was and it was the Colonel who was preventing her from falling.
"I'm okay, sir."
She closed her eyes, took a deep breath and finally released the Colonel's jacket.
"Thank you."
She couldn't risk the `sir'; couldn't risk bringing up more of that time. But then again, she wasn't sure that she wanted to deal with what they were seeing on this planet.
As if to emphasize the reality of the dead below them, some beneficent god sent the strong breeze swirling into the valley and up onto the hill that they were standing on. The thick fumes enmeshed them, coating their throats in the stench and Sam had to gag at the smell, barely restraining herself from falling to her knees again.
"What are we to do, O'Neill?"
Teal'c's deep baritone seemed to bring back some of her strength, and she dramatically squared her shoulders, avoiding looking into the Colonel's face.
"Well," he took a deep steadying breath and looked around the area. "If the fires are still burning, the attackers could still be around… though from the smell the attack could very well have been days ago."
It sounded cold and callous to Sam's ears and she flinched, closing her eyes and digging her chin into her shoulder. Rationally she knew that he was speaking the truth, but something about it cut deep into her.
There were some things even Colonel Jack O'Neill couldn't stop being.
The Colonel and Teal'c continued to talk as Sam turned her attention back to the gully and it's disarray. The atrocity was losing its edge and the nausea that had been climbing up the back of her throat was dissipating slowly as she looked from smoking ruins to splayed bodies. She'd seen death before, had even been a part of delivering it on many occasions, but that didn't take the disgust and dislike for its eventuality out of her system. So much of it here before her was senseless.
"We're not going to do this by ourselves. We're heading back to the `gate and telling Hammond; get him to send some hazmat and more teams to work this." Sam watched from the corner of her eye as he glanced at her, feeling something akin to magnetism in his gaze, but she refused to look at him.
There were moments were she didn't like her CO very much, and at his coldest and most emotionless times, he became dissociate and secretive. She could nearly watch as he shut himself off and refused to open up to others who either wanted to help, or needed his help.
It had happened when they had first seen Charlie's copy.
It had happened after his return from Edora.
Again after Daniel had ascended.
This was another one of those times.
Silently, without regarding his decision, Sam turned on her heel and moved back into the woods in the direction of the Stargate. Her blood was beginning to pound in her ears as she pushed through the scarce underbrush, stumbling loudly down the slope.
She needed to be free.
It's time to let go of the things that prevent you from finding happiness
The walk back to the gate seemed to take an eternity, and as she entered the event horizon, she realized that she remembered none of it. She had been aware that her team was following her clumsy progress, but words or thoughts that may have occurred couldn't be recalled.
As she sat on the infirmary bed, she thought about her reaction to the Colonel's gruff and impersonal comments. Recalling her conversation with her imaginary `Colonel' on the Prometheus, she realized that she had lied to herself. As long as I'm thinking about you, setting my sights on what I think is unattainable, there's no chance of being hurt by someone else
She was getting hurt; hurt badly by the one person who she had thought she was safe from.
Sam closed her eyes and her head dropped forward. Her eyes stung and she hoped dearly that she wasn't about to start crying again. Her fingers fiddled with one of the cargo pockets on her pants, their fooling a way to expend he energy waiting for Janet to release her. She took a deep, hopefully calming breath and tried to think of something other than the deep ache that was spreading through her frame as she waited for Janet to finish with her and give her permission to go and hide in her dark home.
"Sam?"
Daniel's tentative voice brought her gaze up to his and she smiled at him.
"How're you feeling?" she asked, shifting on the bed to allow him a little more room to sit down with her.
He paused, looked at her steadily for a moment and then took the spot on the bed beside her as he turned his stare to the infirmary wall. He grimaced. "Pretty lousy. I just want to go home right about now."
Sam huffed in agreement and stuffed her hands palm down under her thighs, hoping to stop their nervous fidgeting. Daniel had a habit of picking up on her little ticks like that, and she wasn't sure that she wanted to deal with an inquisitive Daniel at the moment.
"Alright, you two can go home." Janet said, looking up from where she now stood in the doorway.
Sam grinned as happily as she could manage and hopped off of the bed. "Good. I'll see you guys tomorrow." And she beat a hasty exit.
Knowing that either Teal'c or Daniel were going to come after her to see if she wanted to `talk about it,' Sam didn't shed her BDU's, instead grabbing her coat and leaving the mountain in a hurry.
Again she found that she could recall very little of her journey home. She knew that wasn't a really good way to drive, but allowed herself to accept it, seeing as she hadn't actually hurt anyone. Recklessly she threw her jacket in the direction of the chair near the door and headed straight for the kitchen, moving through her routine with mindless direction.
With the water finally boiling for tea, Sam paused and placed her hands on the island, leaning forward on the firm object. She closed her eyes and allowed the silence of the house to embrace her with its calming loneliness.
But that's all it was. Home – her home – was nothing more than a dark, lonely, isolated haven that she could hide in until the next atrocity moved across her path. She could admit to herself that while she liked the silence and solitude of her house, there was a deep scar running up the middle, a yawning chasm of loneliness that she hadn't tried to fix in her desperate need to remove herself from emotional pain. While she thought she was running from that, it was attached to her like a ball and chain.
Tears pricked her eyes and then streamed silently down her face. The kettle whistled its forlorn note and Sam was overcome with a need to leave her house.
Looking out the kitchen window, she saw that the sun was still out, casting the world in its slowly dying rays and giving everything a molten glow. It's alive outside, she thought despondently.
A flash of the valley crossed her mind and it prompted Sam out of her house, her kettle still whistling on the stove.
The laughter and passing of little feet nudged something in her heart and she felt minutely better to sit under a tree and be washed in levity and shouts of joy. Occasionally, a parent's voice would ring out over the air, a name surrounded by love and affection.
Something she longed to say herself.
"It's nice here."
She should have been surprised to hear his voice, given that he had never checked up on her before; but some faint light in the back of her heart kept shouting that he did love her enough to push himself aside sometimes.
She opened her eyes to look up at him and found that the sun was very close to going asleep for the night. His was shaded in a reddish hue, his eyes hooded as he looked down on her. He looked a tad uncomfortable at having to check up on her, but she read in his stance that he couldn't have ignored whatever had spurred his coming here forever.
While she may have felt that whatever she was feeling was definite, indecipherable and infinite, something deep within her pulsed with pleasure at knowing that he felt it too. He may have been a safe bet for as long as they were at the SGC, but he was anything but simple.
"Walk?"
He extended his hand to her and she accepted, enjoying the feeling of his power pulling her to her feet. Their steps synchronized over the grass and Sam found herself hugging her arms to herself to fend of the encroaching chill. After a slight shuffling from the man beside her, she felt his leather jacket wrap around her shoulders.
"Thanks."
"No problem."
Something had to give. She didn't need to point out to him what it was that they needed to talk about, she just needed to gather the courage to broach the subject first. She needn't have worried.
"It's a Rubicon, you know?"
Sam took in a deep breath. "I know." She pulled the jacket closed around her and buried her nose in the collar. Damn, it even smelled like him. She closed her eyes.
"Even Julius Caesar died in Rome."
This surprised her. He thought that if they took the chance, moved the relationship forward that even with the power and the support behind it, it could just dissipate? He was that insecure about it?
"You really think that that's what would happen? That it would just… collapse?"
He stopped and looked at her seriously. She met his stare, her own eyes trying to read his thoughts before he spoke them. His lips twitched in a small smile and he lowered his head.
"No… no, I don't think that."
Sam sighed internally. It really would have been easy to give him up if he had answered that question any other way.
They continued on in silence for a few more minutes until Sam could feel the anticipation of the conversation crawling up her spine. Her eyes moved up to the heavens, the sun gone, revealing the millions of stars in their velvety blanket. Would she have ever been able to give them up? Even for him?
"What if I quit the Air Force?"
He paused for a moment and then shook his head. "I don't even have to answer that one, do I?"
Sam fell silent, accepting the inevitable outcome of this conversation. She didn't know if she wanted to drag out this conversation just to stay with him for a while longer or if she should just nip it in the bud and save herself the undue pain. Finally, swallowing, she grabbed his elbow and turned him to face her.
She looked imploringly into his eyes, the dark night engulfing them and isolating them from the hushed sounds of traffic only a block away. "I need you," she said with finality, her heart beating in her throat. She knew she was risking everything in those three words. "I need you."
And it was so much more than that. The words she was saying weren't even beginning to cover what it was that she needed and desired from him, but she knew that he understood. She knew that his heart was screaming the same painful staccato of improper thoughts.
His eyes fell from hers and she felt something fall to the soles of her feet. Her breath caught painfully in her chest and her eyes closed in resignation.
"I can't do that… Sam, you know I can't do that." He quiet voice was laced with desperation and an unrequited longing that wove into a complex weave of emotions and restrictions that they had long ago adhered to.
As Sam's heart snapped at finally hearing the words she had known had to come from his mouth, if not his heart, a sweet unbearable realization landed on her shoulders. He wasn't going to quit for her. He wasn't going to break the rules for her. Both thoughts were bittersweet in her mouth, leaving her tongue dry.
"I know, but I had to hear it." Suddenly tears pricked her eyes and she was faced with her private nightmare. She was stepping out of the shadows and into the world where anyone could break her heart.
Looking into his eyes, though, she knew with a certainty that he wasn't going to be one of those people. His solidarity to her, his love, his friendship – anything that he could offer – was given whole-heartedly and without reserve: something she wouldn't want from anyone but him.
"It hurts, you know?" His eyes flinched in the harsh streetlight and then Sam watched as the crowfeet around his eyes relaxed and he smiled resignedly at her. "You deserve more; I want to be that… `more' but I can't." She watched him watch her as the tears began to fall and stared intently at his shoes until his thumb brushed tenderly down her cheek. "You follow your heart and I will always be there for you." He paused, his thumb now resting on her chin and his eyes caught hers. She saw with aching heart that he was nearly crying himself. "No matter what."
Standing there, hearing the words that she had heard from him on the Prometheus, Sam breathed a shuddering sigh of surrender. She couldn't fight this, no matter how badly she wanted to go to the mountain, grab the regs and throw them in Hammond's face. She shook her head slightly. She couldn't do that.
She wouldn't do that.
"Believe me?"
Her breath hitched and caught on a sob, escaping into the cool night air in a thin mist that washed away with the breeze. How she wanted nothing more than to vanish with such ease. Life would be simple, pain-free and open.
Her life was retched at the moment, but she knew that she believed his words.
"I do." She whispered stepping closer into his radiant heat. She looked up into his eyes and froze, feeling his breath flutter enticingly over her cheeks. Their breath mingled in the type of intimacy that she dreamed of, but knew now that they couldn't have unless something dramatic happened.
She closed her eyes for a brief moment and listened to his breathing.
Desire taunted her. A slight tip of balance and she could be leaning against him, pushing her lips to his in a final good-bye.
It would only make it harder in the end, she knew, but his magnetic pull kept her close; kept her watching his lips and eyes. She could see his own internal war battling behind his eyes; their dark brown irises expanding and dilating in the dim light.
"I can't do that. I do that and all bets are off… I can't do that."
And then he was gone, his broad back retreating into the dark street and down to his truck. She wrapped her arms around herself, her fingers gripping the jacket that he had wrapped around her earlier that night.
She smiled through her tears.
This was okay.
He wasn't leaving for good. He was letting her go.
Now she had to let him go.
I never said it would be easy
It wouldn't be but she had to try: to prove to herself and to justify his sacrifice for her.
"I'll see you tomorrow, sir." She whispered into the night air and finally moved to return to her own little haven.
((**<<***>>**))
Work had seemed easier than she had thought it would be. There had been nothing nagging the back of her mind, no little weight tugging down on her heart. Lunch with Janet didn't involve complaining or near-tears, and the Colonel had even brought her coffee before he had headed home.
"You're coming tonight, right?" Was all that he had asked.
"Wouldn't miss it for the world," she smiled at him, accepting his offering. "2000?"
He cocked his chin to the side and winked at her playfully. "On the button." He smiled that playful little smile once more and then disappeared around the corner.
So here she found herself sitting at some little hole in the wall, laughing with Janet and the Colonel and watching various women try and get Daniel, and occasionally the Colonel, to dance. He had smiled playfully, and Sam could have sworn a little bashfully, as the young women were turned down. But what really caught her attention was that they all looked at her as they walked away.
God, even strangers could tell.
But that didn't seem to stop the man at the bar from casting inquisitive glances in their direction, his eyes resting on her, slightly on Janet, and then the three big, burly men at the same table.
A deep voice whispered in her ear. "Don't let us cramp your style, Major."
Glancing around, she noticed that Janet and Daniel were engrossed in a conversation and that Teal'c was enjoying his second helping of fries. By the time she turned to eye the Colonel, he was already sitting back in his chair and a sipping his beer again. He tipped his head, almost totally inconspicuously and Sam couldn't help but smile.
He had said that he would be there for her, and he wasn't going to let her let any opportunity slip through the window. He wasn't going to let her sacrifice her happiness and she couldn't have loved him more at that moment.
As if she were passing a torch, she patted his knee and headed up to the bar.
***<<**(())**>>***
It's smoky in here, but that doesn't deter me from seeing her glance up to the bar every now and then, when there's a lull in the conversation. I noticed his `noticing' nearly half and hour ago and how Carter tended to let her sight linger there to.
And aside from the searing pain that was racing through my heart, I knew that she wouldn't do anything with me sitting her. I knew her too well to let her pass this up.
I leaned forward, making sure our other companions were otherwise occupied and whispered into her ear, "Don't let us cramp your style, Major."
She paused, her blue eyes scanning our table and noticing the lack of attention towards us. Quickly I settled back and took my beer in hand, hoping to appear relaxed and encouraging as she weighed her options. Something fell over – or away – from her eyes and with a pat to my knee, she stood up and walked away from me.
I couldn't tear my eyes from her, couldn't stop my masochistic streak from asserting itself as she leaned over the oak bar and ordered another drink before turning her charming smile on the lucky man.
Something popped into place, settling comfortably, if painfully, in my gut. She was taking her chance and I couldn't have felt more proud of her actions.
I'll admit that I'm watching her; seeing her laugh and smile at another man. Seeing her intelligence make him flounder for a moment before he regains his footing and makes her laugh again. I'll admit that it hurts. How couldn't it?
I swallowed the rest of my beer half and hour later and made my excuses to the guys (and remaining girl) before heading for the door. As I walk by her, I watch her hands, I watch his face and I'm glad that she's leaving herself open. She's giving herself her chance to be happy.
And me?
I love her enough to let her try.
~~FIN~~
So, uhm... flames are accepted and *read*, even with a grain of salt. All other feedback is greatly appreciated.