Title, Alone in the Darkness

Author, Michelle Birkby

Email, saraandsamrule@hotmail.com

Rating, R

Warning, Violence, Language, Death, References to Drug-Taking

Category, Angst, UST,

Archive, Sam and jack, heliopolis, fanfiction.net, anyone else, ask first.

Spoilers, Season Seven

Disclaimer, "All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author."

Summary, Sam has a bad mission, and she's not telling anyone what really happened.but she's having trouble getting over it.

Status. Complete

Author's notes; Pairings; Sam and Jack, Daniel and Janet. This takes place just before Heroes in Season seven, and it's not a happy story! In fact, it's quite traumatic. It explores Sam's dark side, and it's very dark. I started to write this a while back, but stopped because I wasn't sure everyone would approve of what I've done to Sam, nor the final outcome. And warning.Pete is also in it this too. // means flashbacks

Feedback;. what keeps me writing. But no flames. Especially for this one. If it offends you, I apologise, but please don't scream at me about it.

Sam stared up into the sky, watching the feathery clouds break up, and rejoin, and dance in the wind. She lay flat on her back, in the soft grass, still wet with dew, feeling the sun warm her. Somewhere she could feel an ant climbing across her leg, but she didn't care. She was happy, lying here, perfectly still, staring into the impossibly blue sky

// blue paint, peeling off the frame, that's all she can see, and she can hear, the firing, getting closer, and God knows what Anubis could find out from her if he catches her, she knows he won't kill her, not right away and why won't he STOP SCREAMING!//

Shaking, Sam pulled herself back to the present. Her body had stiffened, and she was soaked with sweat that was not caused by the sun. 'Focus' she told herself, remembering what Janet had taught her, when she had first told her about the panic attacks. 'Think of something you love, and focus on that'. So Sam closed her eyes, and focused on going past the aching blue of the sky, up into the dark, the stars streaking past, the planets hanging in front of her. That was why she had wanted to be an astronaut, not just to visit other planets, but to be in space, amongst the stars, one more tiny white dot amongst the multitude. She missed that, gating to other worlds. She smiled, her eyes still closed, as she heard someone sit down beside her.

"I got ice-cream." He said. "Those little tubs of Ben and Jerry's, you know?"

"Did you get a fork to eat yours with?" she asked lazily.

"Huh?" Pete asked. She opened her eyes quickly. He was smiling uncertainly, as if he was not sure if he should be laughing at a joke he didn't quite understand. Sam shook her head, signifying she meant nothing, and sat up hurriedly. She'd been doing that a lot lately. Losing track of where she was, who she was with. Ever since.determinedly she pushed that from her mind. For ten minutes she allowed herself the luxury of giggling and joking and flirting with Pete, being only sweet, sexy, Sam, not Major Carter.

But then Pete said,

"What's wrong? I mean, really, what's wrong?"

She sighed. She'd really hoped that the last person who would ask what was wrong would be Pete.

"Just a bad time at work. You know how it is." She said, concentrating on the last of her ice-cream.

"Tell me." Pete insisted. "Maybe I can help."

She almost laughed. Help? How could he? How could she even begin to tell him what she'd done, what she'd become. He'd never understand. He could never begin to cope with the darkness she'd seen in herself. He'd deny it. Or worse, get up and walk away. He'd never even suspected that side of her existed.

"I can't. It's classified. Look," she said, as Pete started to object, "Don't you have cases that are classified? That you're not supposed to discuss with anyone else?"

"Yeah, but you're different. I'd tell you anything if you asked, if it was really important to you."

"Well, I can't." she said, trying to dismiss it.

"You've already told me the worst. The Stargate, and all that." He said, dropping his voice to a whisper.

The worst. No, he hadn't heard the worst.

"I have to go." Sam said, standing up and brushing the grass off her skirt.

"You're not due to go on shift for another three hours." Pete pointed out, gently, but obviously hurt.

"But I have a lot of work to do and preparation to make. I have to go."

He scrambled up, and she kissed him goodbye before he could object any more, and left. What she had said was partially true. She did have a lot to prepare. But not for a mission. To face the enquiry. An enquiry into how a civilian had died, off world, while in Major Carter's care.

She tried to make some notes of what she would say, or even what she could remember, but she kept being interrupted. First Daniel popped his head round the door to check if she was ok. She told him she was, and sent him on his way. Then Teal'c appeared, and told her he had every faith in her, and was certain 'right would prevail'. Before Sam had time to react, he disappeared again. Then Siler peered round the door and muttered 'Good Luck' Janet strolled in, and told Sam to keep calm, and not to worry if she couldn't remember things, that was what concussion did. She'd been about to say something else, but her pager had gone off. She looked down at it, snapped 'Oh, for crying out loud!' and left hurriedly. By the time Jack sauntered in, hands in his pockets, she'd had enough.

"I've already been wished good luck, and told to keep calm." She told him. "Honestly Sir, I'm not that worried by the enquiry."

"Good, because I'm not here about the enquiry. I'm here about the mission afterwards." He told her, picking up her pen and started to snap the cap on and off.

"If they clear me."

"They'll clear you. I just need you to clear up a few points."

"About." she said, taking the pen away from his hands.

"About the mission."

"Like what?"

"Like.why are we going, again?"

Sam felt a familiar smile tug at the corner of her mouth.

"Didn't you read my report, Sir?" she asked, closing the laptop with the notes for the enquiry on it.

"Yeah, sure I read it. I just don't quite understand a few details. You know me, Carter." He said, spreading his hands in his helpless, little-boy-lost gesture.

"Yeah, I know you, Sir." She said softly. She knew that he had probably read and understood the report just fine. He was just trying to distract her. Well, ok, she needed the distraction.

"Well, Sir." she said, and started to launch into a detailed explanation. The hours passed, and she realised he was playing extra dumb today, going all out to make her laugh. She knew it, he knew it, and she knew he knew she knew it - at which point all logic broke down, and she simply enjoyed herself.

So much so, that when they came to get her for the enquiry, she realised she'd forgotten all about it.

"You'll be fine." Jack said. "And I'll be in there with you."

"There's no need." She insisted, trying to look confident as she walked down the corridor.

"But I'll be there anyway.". She looked up at him, and smiled and nodded.

"I just need to." she stopped outside the bathroom. He nodded and she went in. She splashed her face with water, and stood in front of the mirror, saying to her reflection, over and over again

"You don't remember, you don't remember."

Then she took a pill bottle from her pocket. She struggled with the cap a moment, then finally prised it open. She swallowed one little pill, with water from her cupped hand, then, after a moment's hesitation, swallowed a second pill.

When she stepped out of the bathroom a moment later, he was still waiting for her, leaning against the wall, hands in his pockets.

"Ok." She said. "Let's go." He watched her for a second, steadily, his dark brown eyes so intense she thought he could see right through her, then he straightened up, and they went to the briefing room. Just before she entered, he felt his hand on the small of her back, and heard him whisper 'Good luck', and that finally settled her racing heartbeat.

General Hammond stood, and she was surprised to see who was conducting the enquiry.

"I believe we all already know Major Paul Davis." Hammond said. No wonder Jack had been so sure the enquiry would clear her - it was being held by one of SG1's closest friends.

Oddly enough, it didn't make her feel better. It made her feel guilty, as if Paul's affection would let her get away with something she felt she ought to be punished for.

Once the microphone was set up, and Major Davis had explained the enquiry was strictly informal, and everyone settled around the table, Hammond at the head, Davis on one side, Sam on the other, Jack silently behind her, she started to tell her story. Her voice was quiet, but confident, her hands relaxed, on top of the table.

"SG1 were sent on a mission to P69-522X. There we found the remains of a civilisation. The surface of the planet was uninhabitable, due to constant storms.

//the sound of the thunder roaring constantly over our heads, masking the sound of the ships coming in//

The inhabitants, whoever they were, had hollowed huge underground structures out of the stone, and using wood, from trees grown underground. They were obviously fairly advanced, because they had decorated their homes, with tapestries and paint.

//dark blue paint peeling off the window frame//

"Sorry.where did you get the gate address from?" Major Davis asked.

"From the repository the Ancients stored in Colonel O'Neill's brain." She explained. "We've found no record of it on any Gou'ald database."

"So you had reason to believe the Gou'ald had no knowledge of it?"

"That's correct."

"And the inhabitants."

"Daniel believed they had just died out. There were no signs of violence."

"Thank you. Please go on."

"While exploring, Daniel found a crack in the stone. It was almost invisible, but if you squeezed in sideways, you found yourself in a small room. It was very basic, obviously just a natural fault in the stone, and only had a few broken-down old chairs and tables in it. The curious thing was the window on the inside, with a painted wooden frame, looking out on to the great hall, but from the hall, it just looked like stone. It even felt like stone. It was obviously not glass, but a forcefield.

We left soon after, but I decided I would like to go back and take another look at the forcefield."

Sam took a deep breath, and a sip of the water from the glass in front of her.

"I also decided to take another scientist with me. Dr James Marlin. He was new to the Stargate program, but very enthusiastic and eager to get off world. He was also an expert on energy."

"You didn't feel the need to take military back-up?" Paul asked, almost apologetically. His eyes were anxious, as if he wanted this done and over.

"There seemed to be no danger." Sam's voice trailed off.

"Major Carter has been in off-world combat situations for seven years and is one of the best soldiers I have commanded. She was the military back-up." Jack said, quietly but forcefully.

Davis nodded.

"What happened when you returned to P69-522X?" Hammond asked. Sam's hands clasped each other, tightly. Jack looked down, not at her face, which remained calm, but her whitening knuckles.

"We were in the great hall, starting our observations, when we heard movement in the outer corridor. The gate was behind us, and we believed the surface was impossible to land a ship on, or get near. Of course, we now know that to be wrong."

She drank from the glass in front of her, draining it.

"We hid, in the room behind the forcefield, straight away. The entrance was hidden, and no-one could see through the window from the great hall, but we could see out. We, " her voice dropped to a whisper, and Davis moved the mike closer, "we saw Jaffa. Hundreds of them. Then we saw Anubis."

//that huge black shapeless cowl, bringing the darkness with him//

"You were afraid." Paul asked gently.

"Yes."

"Afraid he would find you and kill you."

"No, not that he would kill me. I was afraid he'd use the mind probe on me. I know so much, you see. He could learn too much from me."

"Anubis could use what he would gain from mind-probing you to destroy us." Paul asked, frowning, his face pale.

"Yes, and not just us. Other races too." She said, trying to make them understand the utter horror Anubis could create with her knowledge. "I knew, from talking to Jonas Quinn, that I couldn't resist the mind-probe and then." her voice trailed off.

"Anubis could destroy the universe with what Major Carter knows." Jack said beside her, and she became aware that Jack's body had tensed up, his hands clasped tightly on the table, an exact mirror of hers.

"I understand." Major Davis said, "And Dr Marlin, he was afraid too?"

"He was screaming." Sam said.

//Shut up, shut up, they'll hear us, for God's sake, be quiet or they'll find us//

"I thought Anubis might hear him."

//Staring at the peeling blue paint of the window frame, watching Anubis's head slowly turn to face her, that unfathomable blackness looking straight into her eyes.//

"I think he suspected one of the walls was false. He set off a huge bomb, to bring the wall down. It knocked me unconscious. When I woke up, Dr Marlin was dead. But the forcefield had held, and Anubis was gone."

//Silence, at last//

"Dr Frasier is still working on the autopsy." Major Davis told her. "There are some anomalies, however. It does seem Dr Marlin died before the explosion."

Sam swallowed.

"I'm sorry, I don't remember."

"Yes, concussion can cause memory loss. But I don't see how you can be responsible for Dr Marlin's death. I don't find any negligence on your part. You're cleared."

"Cleared?"

"I would recommend you don't go on any military missions until the autopsy report on Dr Marlin is finalised, but other then that."

"This afternoon's mission is purely research." Jack, every inch the efficient commanding officer, said.

"Good." Major Davis said, unplugging the microphone. "Go on it. And relax. No-one blames you for Dr Marlin's death."

He and General Hammond left, leaving Sam and Jack sitting there.

"You ok?" he asked. Sam nodded, but didn't look at him "Ok." He said slowly. "Ready for this afternoon?"

"Yeah. I just need a little time first."

"Ok. See you in the gateroom in thirty minutes." He left her alone.

She didn't feel any better. She felt worse. She should have told them. She should have said what really happened. She didn't know why she hadn't.

//stop screaming!//

Mechanically, she poured herself a glass of water.

//if you don't stop screaming, I'll make you stop!//

She lifted the top of the pill bottle, and carefully emptied out one pill/

//he was silent. What had she done, oh God, what had she done! But Anubis wasn't looking this way any more//

She swallowed the pill and waited for the voices to silence. They were taking longer every time.

Major Davis found Daniel and Teal'c in the infirmary, talking to Janet.

"Well, she's cleared." Paul told them. "Pending the final autopsy report on Dr Marlin." The three of them glanced at each other, worried. "What?"

"The autopsy." Janet said, slowly, than stopped.

"Look, I'm on your side." Paul insisted. The three of them exchanged glances. Then Daniel said,

"Tell him."

They told him.

"That's not possible." Paul said, sitting down heavily on the bed.

"There was one more thing." Janet aid quickly. "There was an odd substance in Dr Marlin's blood. There was the same substance in Sam's blood too, when she came back from P69-522X."

"Sam could have been drugged?" Paul asked incredulous. "This changes everything. Could this have been what killed Dr Marlin?"

"We do not know. His body was too badly damaged by the blast to determine that." Teal'c told him. Paul realised something.

"You've known about this for quite a while."

"A couple of days." Janet admitted. "I wasn't going to say anything until I was sure."

Paul sighed, but he wasn't surprised. He'd have done the same.

"So now what?"

"I need a sample of the original drug, as soon as possible. But I can't send just anyone."

"Ok. Daniel and Teal'c can go. I'm pulling you off SG1's mission this afternoon. You weren't really needed, were you?"

"No." Daniel said, slowly. "It's purely research for Sam, we'd be dead wood, but we can't just go off somewhere else."

"You can. I'm authorising you. I do have some power, you know." he said in answer to their surprised look. "But go soon, before anyone finds out."

"Ok." said Janet. "I need samples of the rock, the wood the air.in fact, I'll just come with you, it'll be quicker."

"You're not coming." Daniel said quickly. "It could be dangerous. Anubis could still be around."

"I'm coming. You're always saying I should get off-world more often." Janet insisted, and left to get her equipment. Daniel turned to Teal'c.

"I have learnt that it is best not to obstruct Dr Frasier's wishes" Teal'c told him. Daniel started to argue, than shrugged. Teal'c, as usual, was right.

Jack and Sam left for their mission soon afterwards. Sam was slightly puzzled by Daniel's and Teal'c's absence but decided not to question it. She was worried she had been told, but had forgotten

// I don't remember anything//

Daniel, Teal'c and Janet left for P69-522X ten minutes later.

The gate led directly into the main hall. It was huge, hollowed out of grey stone. Passages led off from all directions, and there were small rooms all around the hall, with glass windows, or forcefields that looked like glass, set into the walls. Tapestries and paper posters, most brightly coloured, mostly in tatters, hung over the walls, and the wooden frames of all the windows and doorways had been picked out in bright paint, faded and peeling now. The whole hall was lit by a diffuse light.

"Where does the light come from?" Janet asked as Teal'c wandered off to check the corridors.

"Look up." Daniel told her. She did. Above her the ceiling was made of a milky, almost opaque quartz, letting the light bleed through. Above, she could see the blurred outlines of the huge storm clouds that dominated the planet, swirling and battling overhead. She saw a massive flash of lightning, bright blue against the white grey of the clouds.

"Wow." She breathed

"I know." Daniel said, smiling. "I knew you'd like it."

"It's amazing."

"And that's why you should come off world with us more often."

"I will definitely try to." She said, as Teal'c came back.

"There is no evidence of Jaffa here now, although they have done considerable damage." He reported.

Janet got them working, telling Teal'c to gather air and water samples, and following Daniel into the tiny room in which Sam had hidden from Anubis.

"Why weren't we affected, like Sam, by this drug?" Daniel asked.

"If there is a drug." She reminded him. "I'm not sure. If it is airborne, it might not have affected her until Anubis arrived."

"Fear." Daniel said. "Making the heart race, increasing breathing, blood flow."

"Exactly. And there's very little fresh air in this room. Anything she breathed here would be highly concentrated."

"She talked about the paint, in her sleep, when we brought her back." Daniel said, standing by the window. He remembered finding Sam, still only semi-conscious, slumped on the floor, her blonde hair sticky and stiff with blood, staring in horror at Dr Marlin's body. He'd had to carry her out of there, and she had felt light in his arms, as if she was barely there.

"Last thing she saw before she was knocked unconscious. It sticks in the mind." Janet told him, then seeing his pale face, she added "It'll be ok. We can help her. Trust me."

"I always do." He told her softly. "And you always save us."

"Not you." She said, concentrating on scraping the paint off into a little pot.

"When I died," Daniel said, hesitantly, "as I ascended, I welcomed it. I was ready to just go, and leave you all behind. I knew you'd all be alright without me. Sam and Jack and Jacob and Teal'c all had each other. They wouldn't be alone. They could even understand what happened to me, and let me go. But then I looked back, and you were there all alone, and despite what the others said, you didn't want to let me go, and it was killing you, watching me die, and at that moment, I regretted leaving. Part of me didn't want to die, and leave you so lost and broken. So I ended up leaving a part of myself in that room, and I kept coming back. You never knew it, but I watched over you, and then the others, until eventually, I was sent back. And that was because of you. You saved me."

Daniel took a deep breath. It had been months before he'd realised what had happened, had remembered Janet's determined, tear-streaked face. And it had been even longer before he'd finally managed to say something to her. Whatever she said now, at least he'd told her. He'd begun something.

Janet didn't turn to look at him. She'd stayed still, her back to him.

"Of course you had to come back to me." she said softly. "I had your glasses." She laughed, uncertainly, and after a moment, he did too. That was good enough for now. There was plenty of time to build on that.

"I've got everything I need." She told him. "Lets get back. I want to sort this out before Sam and Jack get back."

It was a beautiful planet they'd found themselves on. The two suns shone benevolently out of a lavender sky. It was warm, but not hot. The wind rustled through the towering orange and green trees, filling the air with a constant soft murmur. The white grass was waist high, but silent as it waved in the breeze. The planet was untouched by Gou'ald or humans, or by any other race, as far as they could tell. Sam was gathering soil and vegetation samples to ascertain if the planet was suitable for a new beta site.

Jack laid back, and sunbathed. And thought, a lot. Mostly about what Janet had told him soon after Sam had come back from P69-522X, while she was still recovering. Sam happily gathered samples, and wandered farther and farther away from him, until she was far enough away that he couldn't see what she was doing.

The voices had started again. Dr Marlin's high pitched scream. Anubis looking round at her, the Jaffa shouting harsh orders at each other.

She struggled with the child-proof cap, getting more and more annoyed, until she twisted it the wrong way, and the bottle flew out of her hands.

It landed at Jack's feet. He picked up the bottle, and looked at the label. His expression darkened.

"These are not good, Carter. Believe me, I know."

"They were prescribed for me." she said, not moving, her eyes on the bottle.

"Not by Janet."

"By Dr. Warner. Janet was away, and I went to him, and I told him I was still shaken, and hearing voices, and he diagnosed Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and gave me those. Can I have them back, please?"

He didn't give them back.

"The date on these is only a week ago, and you're supposed to take one a day. But the bottle is half-empty already. And I'll bet this is your second prescription, isn't it?"

"The date's wrong. Colonel, please."

"No, the dates not wrong." He said softly. "You finished the first bottle early, and you went to him, and told him you'd lost it, and he gave you a second bottle, didn't he?"

"No. Please give them back" she pleaded. He went on, inexorably.

"I know you did, it's what I did once." He opened the bottle, manipulating the cap without even looking. "Soon you'll be able to open them in your sleep. You'll have to because that's when the voices come."

It was so silent on that planet, except for the rustling in the trees that had masked Jack's footsteps, except for the screaming in Sam's head. She looked at him, hardly daring to look in his eyes, to see the disappointment she knew must be there.

But his eyes were soft, and warm, and understanding, and all he said was,

"Oh, Sam."

The bastard! She'd known he'd find out, and she'd been prepared to fight him. Meet anger with anger, recrimination with recrimination, accusation with accusation. But she could never fight his gentleness, his unexpected tenderness.

She had nothing to say in reply to him. Instead, he stepped forward, murmuring,

"It's alright" and he held her, tightly, and she collapsed, crying in his arms, in the one place she knew she was safe.

She could only stay there for so long. Eventually the sobs subsided, and she stepped back, knowing she ought to feel embarrassed by what had happened, but feeling only relieved.

"Why?" he asked her.

"PTSD." She replied.

"No. Nn, not you. And not using these. There's more, isn't there?"

She shook her head.

"Whatever you did, Sam, it's ok. You can tell me." he told her, still gently.

"No. What I did.you can't." she said, her blue eyes as bleak as ice.

"Sam, whatever the hell you did, I swear to you, I've done worse."

One of the suns was setting, turning the white grass red, so it looked as thought they stood in a field of blood.

"What have you done?" she whispered.

He shook his head. "I'm not going to tell you." He told her.

"There's nothing you can tell me that will change the way I feel about you." She said quickly, then turned away. She was beginning to lose control.

"My thoughts exactly. But that's not why. It's because right now you don't care what I did. You only care about getting these back." He shook the bottle of pills, the cap firmly back on. "I'll tell you, I promise, everything I did, once these are out of your system. I'm not proud of what I did, I'm ashamed of a lot of it, but I'll tell you. But first you have to tell me what happened on P69-522X"

She took a deep breath. She had to have those pills, to regain her control, and she could see no other way. Maybe if he understood, he'd give them back to her.

"Anubis was coming. I knew if he caught me, it'd all be over. For everyone. He'd kill thousands, millions, wipe out whole worlds, make millions suffer, and it'd all be my fault."

"No, not your fault."

"Yes, mine." She insisted. "Whatever happened, Anubis couldn't capture me. not alive, anyway." He winced, but she continued. "We were safe in that room, I was sure. But Dr Marlin, he screamed when he saw Anubis. And he kept on screaming, and shouting and calling.

//oh God I'm going to die, sweet Jesus, help me.//

He wouldn't be quiet. No matter what I said, he panicked. He was gasping, and crying, and he was so loud and then Anubis looked over at me, right at me, and I realised he'd heard Dr Marlin, and I thought, if he finds me, he'll destroy the Earth, the entire galaxy.

//it's not just my life. It's everyone's. Oh God, the things I know//

I rushed over to Dr Marlin, and pushed him down on the floor, and put my hand over his mouth.

He struggled for a second, then went still. I though he'd finally got the message. I looked up, and saw Anubis ordering the bomb be set. Then I took my hand away.

He was dead. I'd suffocated him. Then the bomb went off, and I passed out."

She stopped. One sun had gone behind the horizon now, and the place was full of shadows. He tried to pull her into his arms again, but she stepped away, stiff and alone in her pain, in her darkness.

"It wasn't your fault." Jack told her.

"I killed him!" she snapped.

"No, you didn't. Janet would have said. There's something else, I promise you."

"No. you wanted to know what I did, and there it is. I'm a murderer. Now will you please give me back my pills."

"No, I'm sorry." He told her, his face creased in pain.

"Please, I need them." She asked him, surprised.

"You need to come off them. These aren't helping."

"Just one then, one more. Jack please." She begged, holding out her hand, and he flinched to hear her speak her name like that, but he threw the bottle to the ground, and shot it with his zat, three times.

"I can't do without them." She said, quietly, staring at the scorched patch in the ground. "It's too late for me."

"You can. It's never too late."

"I can still hear him screaming."

"I can still hear Charlie screaming." And this time she didn't resist when he put his arms around her, and pulled her close, as much for his comfort as hers. "I'll help you, Sam. You won't be alone, I promise you."

When they returned, they found Janet already in the infirmary, waiting for them.

"I have news." She told them. "About the paint."

"Paint?" Sam asked, confused.

"From P69-522X. Daniel and Teal'c and I collected samples."

"Why?"

"To prove you innocent, of course. Major Davis authorised it." Jack shut the door of the infirmary.

"You knew?" Sam asked, astonished. "You knew what I did?"

"The bruises on Dr Marlin's face. I knew. We all did." Janet told her, gently. "We also knew that you weren't capable of killing someone, you'd have stopped long before he died. It was just a matter of finding out what happened."

"What about the pills Warner had her on?" Jack asked. Janet looked confused. Jack told her about the pills, about Sam's growing addiction to them.

"That I didn't know about." She said grimly. "You have to come off those, but it'll be difficult."

"I know." Sam said. She was past caring at that point. She was just so tired.

"But, the good news.the paint was poisonous."

"Poisonous how?" Jack asked. Sam only listened. A heavy headache was settling in behind her eyes.

"Well, at first, just mild loss of inhibitions. Like alcohol. That would account for Dr Marlin been unable to control his fear, and your anger at him. But then, it affects the respiratory tract. Basically, you had nothing to do with it. He choked all by himself. He'd have died even if you'd never touched him."

"Why didn't I die?"

"You did have some trouble breathing, you probably thought it was from the bomb. But it's like any drug, it affects different people different ways. Like some people get addicted to tranquillisers, and some don't. The point is, you didn't kill Dr Marlin."

"No, the point is, I wanted to." Sam said, sitting heavily on the bed. "All my inhibitions had gone, all my self-control, and I just wanted the fucking son of a bitch to shut up. And I made him, without caring if I hurt him."

"You were trying to save the galaxy." Jack told her.

"It's still murder."

"No."

"Yes."

"Yes." said Janet. "You were trying to murder him. Everyone has a dark side, and you finally faced yours. I was wondering when that would happen. But everyone has a darkness in them. At least now you know what you're capable of."

"Murder." Sam said flatly.

"Killing one person to save thousands. Millions. And who knows, perhaps you would have drawn back before you killed him. It was only a momentary impulse, after all." Jack told her. "But now you know what the worst you could do is."

"Do you? Know what the worst you can do is?" she said sleepily, laying down on the bed."

"I'll tell you later," he said softly, covering her with a blanket as her eyes closed.

Pete ran to the door as soon as he heard the door bell. Sam was hours late. Maybe that was her. Maybe she'd forgotten her key.

It wasn't. Daniel and Teal'c stood there, in the doorway, in the rain.

"Is Sam okay?" Pete asked, scared by their sombre faces.

"She's fine." Daniel said hurriedly. "We just came to tell you she'll be away for a few days."

"I don't suppose you can tell me why." Pete said, stepping aside so they could get in out of the rain.

"It is classified." Teal'c told him.

"Everything about her is. It's all secrets." Pete complained. Daniel picked up a book he knew Janet had lent Sam. He'd take it back for Sam to read. "Even when two people who work side by side all day every day fall in love, they still have secrets." He told Pete.

"But I love her. And I want us to be together, properly, not for me to just pop in and out of her life."

"No matter how much SamanthaCarter loves a man, he will never be the whole of her life." Teal'c told him. Daniel glanced at Teal'c surprised, for a second.

"But I want to be more than just a tiny part of her life. I want more. I want to know what happens in her day, why she sometimes comes home tired and hurt."

"Well, you can't." Daniel told him, not unkindly. "All you take is what she gives you."

"She's the love of my life." Pete said, softly. "But I'm not hers, am I? No matter how much I love her, she and I aren't going to last more than a year, are we?"

Daniel and Teal'c said nothing as they left.

Jack pulled up a chair by Sam's bedside. She was sleeping, a natural sleep. Janet stood by her bed, checking Sam's readouts, making notes.

"I've sent the autopsy results to Major Davis." She whispered, anxious not to wake Sam. "Sam is complete cleared of responsibility for Dr Marlin's death. As for the problem with pills, it'll go on her record, but."

"But compared to my record, she's still pure as the driven snow." Jack joked, as quietly as Janet. She smiled, then looked down at her friend.

"You don't need to be here. I'll look after her." She said.

"I know." but he didn't move.

"It'll be hell when she wakes up."

"I know that too."

"She'll be in terrible pain. She may not know you. She may get violent. I'll have to strap her down."

"I know. I remember. I promised her I'd be here" He told her. She smiled, and nodded.

"Ok, then, I'll get you some coffee.".

She left, leaving him sitting in a darkened infirmary, besides Sam's bed. Where he belonged. Whatever she had done, whatever she did, no matter what darkness was within her, he'd stay beside her. And when she woke up, when she was herself again, he'd keep his promise. He'd tell her the worst things he'd had ever done, so she'd know, she'd never be alone in the darkness.

THE END