Summary: Sam's reflections after 100 Days
Rated: PG
Genres: Angst
Original Archive Date: 2000 May 29
Warnings: None
Series: None
Chapters: 1 | Word count: 1058 | Completed: Yes | Published: Sep 03, 2009 | Updated: Sep 03, 2009 | Read: 2496
Story Notes: SPOILERS: 100 Days
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Wow...I'm not obsessed with this ep or anything, am I???? I think nearly everything I've *finished* is to do with this ep...oops :)
Chapter 1 by Nicole K
Love sucks.
One moment you're secure, you're content, you're...*happy*, the next the floor's been ripped out from underneath your feet with an audible thump.
I'm speaking, of course, of my now defunct *relationship* with Jack O'Neill. I gave up my life, my existence, my health and sanity to get him back, and the bastard had shacked up with another woman. Not that *we* were actually an *us*, but that's not the point. I can't think about it without feeling physically and mentally ill. My stomach churns ill-will and anger, and I don't know how to make it better.
How do you deal with the fact the man you love doesn't love you?
"There you are holding her hand
I am lost
Dying to understand
Didn't I cherish you right
Don't you know you were my life"
He said he wasn't happy to be coming home. What happened to the Jack O'Neill that I know...that I knew...that I love? The man I know, the man I *remember* would have been ecstatic to be coming home.
Home. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe in those few estranged months that *bitch* Lara manipulated, twisted and deformed his view of home. I was there before the Gate was buried. I saw the way she latched onto him like a hungry, blood-sucking, parasitical leech. And she smiles too much. Never trust a woman who smiles that much.
"Even though I try I can't let go
Something in your eyes
Captured my soul
And every night I see you in my dreams
You're all I know
I can't let go"
I missed him; I even admitted as much to Janet one sleepless night. At least our conversation made me think about *why* I was feeling all those squirmy, teary feelings, why my throat would constrict whenever yet another hurdle appeared in our attempt to return to Edora. I missed him.
I loved him.
"Just cast aside
You don't even know I'm alive
You just walk on by
Don't care to see me cry
And here I am
Still holding on
I can't accept
My world is gone"
Eventually, with lots of hard work and very little luck, we did manage to resurrect the Edoran Gate and return to claim out lost CO. I don't know what...or who I was expecting to find when I got there; a man who'd realised that he missed us...missed me...*loved* me? Maybe not. But certainly a man who'd missed his home, his life.
Apparently not.
Usually when I talk he listens for a while as he attempts to follow what I'm saying, then tunes out and begins to fidget until I say a word which grasps his attention. When we arrived on Edora he just stared blankly through me, and then not more than a few words into my spiel he blatantly walked away. And if walking away wasn't enough on its own, he walked away to *her*. I really felt as if I could have just punched one or both of them. Sure, physical violence never solved anything, but it sure as hell would have made me feel better.
"Even though I try I can't let go
Something in your eyes
Captured my soul
And every night I see you in my dreams
You're all I know
I can't let go"
Before that mission, before we initially went to Edora, I remember laughing. We both used to laugh. He used to tell his stupid jokes, I'd laugh, he'd grin. We used to laugh together.
I don't remember smiling or laughing since that day we went back. I haven't had much to laugh at...or to smile for. It's like a part of me has just died.
"Do you even realise the sorrow I have inside
Everyday of my life
Do you know the way it feels
When all you have just dies
I try and try to deny that I need you
But still you remain on my mind"
Aside from smiling and laughing less, and feeling as though someone has gouged my heart out with a spoon, and a blunt one at that, I don't think too much has changed. I still go through days of good restraint and bad restraint. On good days I used to just laugh at his jokes and somehow manage not to dream about us involved in some kind of spontaneous, passionate, heat-of-the-moment clinch. Now I just manage not to dream...and not to break down in tears.
On bad days I still wonder how his hands would feel on my flesh, his lips on mine, our bodies entwined in the height of passion - feelings so tangible that I'd swear on anything that I just lived through the experience. Then I remember that *she* would already know what it feels like, that *she* wouldn't have to imagine, and I have to forcibly fight to keep down the bile in my throat.
"No I just can't get you out of my mind
I never can say goodbye
'Cause every night
I see you in my dreams"
I've been sleepwalking through my life since Jack was actually stranded on Edora; I've barely slept one night in a week since. Initially it was because I spent all my time in the labs refusing to leave and rest until I'd successfully completed the particle beam generator. Now I just can't sleep, or rather, *refuse* to sleep because he haunts my dreams. I never used to mind his ghostlike cameos, but now he doesn't haunt me on his own.
In the few moments when I have drifted off, I seem to be in some kind of voyeuristic state where all I can see is him kissing *her*, and that's more than enough to rip me from sleep.
"You're all I know
I can't let you go
Even though I try
I can't let go of something that I need so badly
You're all I know
I can't let go"
I'm still here, he's still here, but it's not the same. I don't really feel like talking to him - his voice makes me think of what I had, what I lost, and what can never be. I miss the camaraderie, I miss the friendship that's now floundering and dying. I miss him, I miss the *us* that used to tentatively exist.
Love sucks.
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