Love sucks.
One moment you're secure, you're content, you're...*happy*, the next the floor's been ripped out from underneath your feet with an audible thump.
I'm speaking, of course, of my now defunct *relationship* with Jack O'Neill. I gave up my life, my existence, my health and sanity to get him back, and the bastard had shacked up with another woman. Not that *we* were actually an *us*, but that's not the point. I can't think about it without feeling physically and mentally ill. My stomach churns ill-will and anger, and I don't know how to make it better.
How do you deal with the fact the man you love doesn't love you?
"There you are holding her hand
I am lost
Dying to understand
Didn't I cherish you right
Don't you know you were my life"
He said he wasn't happy to be coming home. What happened to the Jack O'Neill that I know...that I knew...that I love? The man I know, the man I *remember* would have been ecstatic to be coming home.
Home. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe in those few estranged months that *bitch* Lara manipulated, twisted and deformed his view of home. I was there before the Gate was buried. I saw the way she latched onto him like a hungry, blood-sucking, parasitical leech. And she smiles too much. Never trust a woman who smiles that much.
"Even though I try I can't let go
Something in your eyes
Captured my soul
And every night I see you in my dreams
You're all I know
I can't let go"
I missed him; I even admitted as much to Janet one sleepless night. At least our conversation made me think about *why* I was feeling all those squirmy, teary feelings, why my throat would constrict whenever yet another hurdle appeared in our attempt to return to Edora. I missed him.
I loved him.
"Just cast aside
You don't even know I'm alive
You just walk on by
Don't care to see me cry
And here I am
Still holding on
I can't accept
My world is gone"
Eventually, with lots of hard work and very little luck, we did manage to resurrect the Edoran Gate and return to claim out lost CO. I don't know what...or who I was expecting to find when I got there; a man who'd realised that he missed us...missed me...*loved* me? Maybe not. But certainly a man who'd missed his home, his life.
Apparently not.
Usually when I talk he listens for a while as he attempts to follow what I'm saying, then tunes out and begins to fidget until I say a word which grasps his attention. When we arrived on Edora he just stared blankly through me, and then not more than a few words into my spiel he blatantly walked away. And if walking away wasn't enough on its own, he walked away to *her*. I really felt as if I could have just punched one or both of them. Sure, physical violence never solved anything, but it sure as hell would have made me feel better.
"Even though I try I can't let go
Something in your eyes
Captured my soul
And every night I see you in my dreams
You're all I know
I can't let go"
Before that mission, before we initially went to Edora, I remember laughing. We both used to laugh. He used to tell his stupid jokes, I'd laugh, he'd grin. We used to laugh together.
I don't remember smiling or laughing since that day we went back. I haven't had much to laugh at...or to smile for. It's like a part of me has just died.
"Do you even realise the sorrow I have inside
Everyday of my life
Do you know the way it feels
When all you have just dies
I try and try to deny that I need you
But still you remain on my mind"
Aside from smiling and laughing less, and feeling as though someone has gouged my heart out with a spoon, and a blunt one at that, I don't think too much has changed. I still go through days of good restraint and bad restraint. On good days I used to just laugh at his jokes and somehow manage not to dream about us involved in some kind of spontaneous, passionate, heat-of-the-moment clinch. Now I just manage not to dream...and not to break down in tears.
On bad days I still wonder how his hands would feel on my flesh, his lips on mine, our bodies entwined in the height of passion - feelings so tangible that I'd swear on anything that I just lived through the experience. Then I remember that *she* would already know what it feels like, that *she* wouldn't have to imagine, and I have to forcibly fight to keep down the bile in my throat.
"No I just can't get you out of my mind
I never can say goodbye
'Cause every night
I see you in my dreams"
I've been sleepwalking through my life since Jack was actually stranded on Edora; I've barely slept one night in a week since. Initially it was because I spent all my time in the labs refusing to leave and rest until I'd successfully completed the particle beam generator. Now I just can't sleep, or rather, *refuse* to sleep because he haunts my dreams. I never used to mind his ghostlike cameos, but now he doesn't haunt me on his own.
In the few moments when I have drifted off, I seem to be in some kind of voyeuristic state where all I can see is him kissing *her*, and that's more than enough to rip me from sleep.
"You're all I know
I can't let you go
Even though I try
I can't let go of something that I need so badly
You're all I know
I can't let go"
I'm still here, he's still here, but it's not the same. I don't really feel like talking to him - his voice makes me think of what I had, what I lost, and what can never be. I miss the camaraderie, I miss the friendship that's now floundering and dying. I miss him, I miss the *us* that used to tentatively exist.
Love sucks.
Story Notes: SPOILERS: 100 Days
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Wow...I'm not obsessed with this ep or anything, am I???? I think nearly everything I've *finished* is to do with this ep...oops :)
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Wow...I'm not obsessed with this ep or anything, am I???? I think nearly everything I've *finished* is to do with this ep...oops :)
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]