Letting Go by BrenRen

He sat by her bedside for a long time. Even though he knew there was no sign of life in her, save the artificially induced breathing, he couldn’t quite bring himself to believe she was gone.

Just like that. Gone.

He’d killed the woman he loved, the woman he loved more than life itself. The words rang over an over in his head, in sharp, accusing tones.

You killed the woman you love, the woman you love more than life itself!

Jack held back a sigh and fiddled with the pen in his hands. He needed to focus on anything but the words ringing through his brain.

You killed the woman you love, the woman you love more than life itself!

Jack risked a glance over at her and felt tears pricking his eyes, a huge lump forming in the back of his throat so he couldn’t quite fully choke back the sob threatening to tear him apart. It came out a quiet growl from deep in his chest.

You’re a soldier, you don’t cry, he scolded himself. He forced himself to swallow hard against the boulder lodged in his throat.

You killed the woman you love, the woman you love more than life itself!

The words just wouldn’t stop coming. Jack’s eyes turned back to the pen in his hands, anything to not have to look at her lifeless form.

He heard the soft footsteps approaching, knew it was the doctor without even looking up. She moved to stand beside him, staying silent for a moment.

Finally, no small hesitance in her voice, she spoke. “Still no change. I don't know if she ever told you this Colonel, but Sam made a living will. No extraordinary means.”

It took Jack a split second to find his voice. “Yeah, she told me.”

“There's no brain activity of any kind, no brain wave from either Sam or the entity. She's being kept alive entirely on life support. I think it's time to let her go Sir.” Janet’s voice was gentle, and on the verge of cracking.

Jack, too, was on the verge of cracking. “Just give it a minute, huh,” he somehow managed. He nodded his head absently. He wasn’t quite ready to let her go. He just needed to figure out a way to say goodbye, that was all.

You killed the woman you love, the woman you love more than life itself!

And to get those blasted words out of his head. He shook his head. He didn’t think he’d ever be ready to let her go. He could live with a lot of bad stuff, but the guilt from this might truly do him in. He was responsible for killing the woman he loved more than life itself.

Daniel and Teal’c came in. Jack finally let go of the weary sigh he’d been holding in, grateful he was no longer alone with the words in his head. Daniel gave him a moment before speaking.

“Just thought you should know, Hammond ordered the mainframe thing in the MALP room destroyed in case the entity managed to find it's way back in there, it's probably what it was trying to do.”

Daniel and Teal’c stood staring at Sam for a long quiet moment. “We heard Janet…” Daniel trailed off for a moment, then swallowed once before continuing. “I think it’s time to say goodbye, Jack.”

“How do we do that?” Jack asked quietly. Daniel shook his head.

Suddenly General Hammond’s voice was blaring over the loudspeaker. “SG1 to the MALP room immediately!”

Jack, Daniel, and Teal’c spared Sam one last split second before they hustled out of the room.

A few minutes later, and Sam had been wheeled into the MALP room. Janet was studying the computer readings. “This EEG matches Sam’s. I don’t know how, but it’s her,” she informed the awaiting General.

“So what do we do?” Hammond asked.

“There’s nothing I can do, Sir, but to provide a conduit for her to return into her own body.”

General Hammond nodded, then Teal’c raised his zat.

“The entity has deceived us on several occasions,” he stated simply. Hammond nodded, as did Jack, though he did so with a wince as he hoped against hope that this would work.

“Go ahead, Doctor,” Hammond ordered. Janet nodded, then flipped a switch. The room lit up as an electrical charge surged into Sam, sparks flying in the small room. After a moment, it was over and Sam gasped for air.

“She’s back,” Janet announced happily.

Jack stared at her, almost afraid to believe his own eyes. “Hey, Carter, where you been?” His voice was low and gentle, and all he could manage without betraying all the emotions surging through his veins. He walked over to her bedside, and fought desperately against the urge to take her hand in his. He tapped the edge of her bed, instead.

“It’s gone?” Sam asked hoarsely.

“Yes, it is,” Hammond answered, a smile of relief gracing his features.

“I was shouting for you to hear,” Sam said, her voice still as hoarse as though she had actually been screaming for dear life.

“We heard,” Jack said. I heard, he thought, as he looked into her eyes, searching them to confirm she really was herself.

Sam nodded, then rest her head back down on the bed as though exhausted from the effort of mere speaking. A small smile began to grace her features as her eyes fluttered closed.

It was a few hours later before she regained full consciousness. The first thing she was aware of was Jack, sitting near her bedside, his head propped up on his hand, his elbow resting on his knee. As soon as she looked at him, he sat upright with a smile.

“How ya feeling?” Jack asked her gently.

Sam blinked a few times, took a deep breath and let it out slowly before answering him. “Good, actually.”

“That’s good,” Jack said. “You need anything?”

“Some water?” Sam asked, her voice still a little froggy. Jack busied himself with the task of fixing her a cup of water from a pitcher on a nearby table. He brought it to her with a gracious smile.

“So,” he began as Sam sipped her drink, “we almost lost you there. For a while… you were gone…” Jack stopped, unable to find the words to express himself properly. “I had to shoot you. I’m sorry.”

“You did what you had to do to protect the base, I’m sure, Sir,” she replied. There was no blame in her voice, which strangely made Jack feel all the worse.

“Yeah,” Jack finally managed in response. He stood there staring at her for a long moment, unable to break eye contact with her. He silently tried to will her to understand how much this had affected him, how truly sorry he was for causing her death—however temporary it may have been.

“It’s okay, Sir. I won’t hold it against you,” Sam said at last with a small smile of sympathy.

Jack stood staring at her for another long, quiet moment, now trying to will himself to accept the relief that was beginning to flood his system. However much he might still blame himself, she didn’t blame him, and that was important. He needed her trust.

At last, Jack nodded, allowing a smile to grace his features, for her benefit.

“We’ll be okay, won’t we Sir?”

“Sure we will,” Jack said easily. “We’ll be fine.” The smile finally reached his eyes, and the smile he got from her in return lit up nearly all the dark places in his battle-hardened heart. “Why don’t I go get Daniel and Teal’c? I’m sure they’ll love to see you.”

Sam nodded, then her smile faded. “Sir? May I ask you a question?” Jack nodded. “Have you ever experienced total sensory deprivation?” Jack hesitated a moment, his eyes darkening as he nodded slowly. “That’s what it was, completely and totally sensory deprived. I was aware of everything and nothing at the same time.” Sam closed her eyes and shook her head. “It’s good to be back. Everything seems suddenly fresh and new. Even this dreary old place. I have this urge to experience everything. I want to climb a mountain and eat a gallon of ice cream, I want to go hang-gliding and I want to fly a death glider. I just want to feel. That doesn’t sound too crazy, does it?”

“After what you just went through? No way! I say go for it. You ever been hang-gliding before?”

“No, actually, I haven’t. Always wanted to learn, but I’ve always been too busy.”

“I happen to be fairly good at it. I could teach you sometime, if you like…” Jack added, almost shyly.

“I just might take you up on that, sir.” Sam sat up and rolled her head around. “Why don’t you go get the guys? I can’t wait to see them again.” She smiled at Jack, and he couldn’t resist smiling back.

“All right. See you in a bit, then.” Jack turned around and started to leave the room.

“Sir?” Sam called out as he reached the doorway. He turned around with a questioning look on his face. “Thank you, Sir. For being here when I woke up. I appreciate not being alone.” Jack nodded, then turned and left before he found himself confessing that he couldn’t tear himself away from her side until he was sure she’d be one hundred percent all right. He left her room smiling, finally assured that she would be.

~o~O~o~

They stood near the edge of the cliff. “This is a little bit crazy, you know?” Sam commented as she gazed out over the sheer drop below them.

“Like you’ve never done anything a little crazy?” Jack said, standing close by her.

“Well, maybe once or twice.”

“Come on, I know you’ve jumped out of a plane. This should be no big deal.”

And it wasn’t, except that for this first trip out, she’d be riding tandem with Jack. The thought of the two of them nestled snugly in the cocoon of a riding device sent a slight shiver down her back.

You wanted to feel again, she reminded herself. After her total sensory deprivation experiment, she wanted to feel everything. Including the warm body of her commanding officer close to hers, she accidentally admitted to herself.

“It’s a big deal, Sir. I’ve been wanting to do this for a long time. Thanks for taking me out,” she said quietly.

“Sure,” he replied lightly. “Any time. That’s what friends are for, right?”

She nodded with a smile, hoping he wouldn’t see the trace of disappointment in her eyes. Of course he would say they were friends, that’s all they could be, she reminded herself. Friends.

“Very good friends,” she amended, surprising even herself.

Jack turned and looked at her, a slightly wary smile in his eyes. “After so many years serving together, it’s only natural,” he said.

Sam nodded in agreement. “So… shall we get going?” She finally asked.

Jack nodded. “Let’s go!”

They got situated in the glider, Jack in the rear so he’d be lying atop her once they were in the air. “You ready?” Jack asked, his voice close to her ear. Sam nodded carefully so as not to hit his head. “On three… one, two… three!” They started running for the edge of the cliff together, and just as they reached the end, Jack yelled out, “Now!” They jumped and were soaring into the air as graceful as any bird.

Sam gasped, the view stunning her momentarily. The wind rushed through her ears so that it was all that she could hear. She held onto the bar tightly as her mind raced to imprint every memory onto her brain.

“This is amazing!” Sam exclaimed after a while.

“Told ya!” Jack’s voice rang out close to her ear. He shifted his arms on either side of her, then took the craft in for a curving swoop. He brought them back up even higher than before.

Sam’s laughter rang out beneath Jack, and he, too, was savoring every moment. He hadn’t realized how much he needed to hear her joy until just now. He knew then, without a doubt, that all was right in his world. He only wished it would last.

After a while, Jack let Sam take the controls, and she took great delight in making low swoops towards the ground, then sailing up high and sharp towards the few clouds in the sky. It was a great day for this, she decided.

They stayed air born for a good long trip before Jack brought them down for a gentle and graceful landing. He hit their mark perfectly and soon they were making the short hike back to his truck.

“I packed a picnic lunch, if you’re hungry,” Jack informed Sam.

“That sounds great,” she replied. Jack pulled a couple of paper bags out of the bed of the truck and pulled out their contents. In moments, the two were sitting on his tailgate, eating sandwiches and enjoying the view.

“So, was it worth it?” Jack asked as he finished eating.

“Was what worth it, Sir?” Sam asked between bites.

“Coming out here… going hang-gliding…”

“Oh, that,” Sam said with a smile. “Definitely worth it. Thank you so much for doing this. It’s just what I needed.”

“I’m glad,” Jack said simply. He remained quiet for a bit after that, letting Sam finish eating in peace and quiet.

His thoughts turned inward, and Sam could see the gears in his head churning as his eyes darkened whilst he gazed away from the afternoon sun.

“What are you thinking, Sir?” Sam queried after a moment.

“Just that… this is nice…”

“But…”

“But… we really shouldn’t do it again.”

Sam looked over at him carefully. “Okay,” she said slowly. “You’re probably right, Sir. It wouldn’t look appropriate, I’m sure,” she finished with a murmur.

“No… it wouldn’t be appropriate. Look… things are already… too close.” Jack paused, pinching his brow between his fingers. “When things got dicey… I almost couldn’t do what needed to be done. I still don’t know how I brought myself to fire that zat the second time.”

“Sir, we can’t dwell on that. You did what you had to do—”

“To save the base, yeah. I know. Didn’t make it any easier.”

“I can’t imagine how hard it must have been,” Sam said with empathy. “And I honestly don’t know what I’d have done in your place.”

“You’d have taken the shot, Sam. You know you would have.” Sam blinked when he used her given name. It happened so rarely these days, she wasn’t sure if maybe she’d imagined it.

“Yes, you’re probably right. Again.”

“I’m right twice in one conversation? That’s gotta be a record.” At the weak joke, Sam smiled gently.

“So… what do we do?”

“We go back to work. Nothing’s changed. It can’t.” Jack’s voice was resolute.

“No, it can’t.” Sam’s voice was tinged with weary resignation. “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, me too.” They stood for a long time staring at one another, a silent conversation now flowing between them.

Jack dipped his head down, but without breaking eye contact. I’m sorry we can’t be together.

Sam tilted her head to one side. I’m sorry this has to be the end of whatever might have been between us.

Jack’s expression turned wry and weary at once. I’m sorry these damn snakeheads won’t leave us alone so we could have a chance.

Sam braved a small, almost watery smile. We can still be friends.

Jack winced. Friends.

Sam continued smiling. It’s better than nothing.

Jack sighed, raking a hand through his hair. Better than nothing. He risked a small smile, extending his hand to her. “Friends?” he asked softly.

“Friends,” she replied, accepting his hand with a squeeze before letting go.

Jack gathered up their gear and the food stuff and got everything packed into the truck. He opened the door for Sam like the true gentleman he was. As she got in, she turned to him with a smile. “This was fun, Sir. Thanks again,” she said warmly.

“My pleasure, Carter,” Jack replied just before closing her door. He walked around to the other side of the truck and climbed in. “Sam?” he asked quietly.

“Yeah?” She couldn’t bring herself to call him Jack, but she was close.

“Someday.”

She turned and looked at Jack, then, quietly assessing his meaning. She smiled again, a warm and bright smile that never ceased to do strange and wonderful things to his heart.

“Someday,” she agreed.

~o~O~o~

Sam whooped with laughter as they swooped through the sky. It had been four years since they’d been together like this, and the feeling now was truly liberating. Sam felt as much as heard Jack’s rumble of laughter above her.

They were again hang-gliding in tandem, an early date for them now that the regs weren’t standing in their way. It had been Jack’s idea; turns out he had a latent romantic streak, she realized as he had recreated every detail of their first day flying the glider together. She was sure he even had the picnic lunch waiting for them back at the truck.

Sam maneuvered the glider into a thermal updraft, taking them soaring into the clear blue sky. It was a perfect day for their activities once again, and Sam was relishing every moment of this precious time with Jack.

“We’re getting pretty high,” Jack yelled down to her. “Time to gear up. Get your oxygen out,” he told her.

Sam nodded her head and got out her oxygen tank and mask. “This is truly breathtaking, Jack,” she quipped before putting the mask on. Again, she felt Jack’s answering laughter rumble through to her. It brought such smile to her face; she wished Jack could see it.

They sailed through the sky together enjoying the awesome vistas beneath them. In the weeks since Jack’s transfer to Washington, they hadn’t much time to enjoy one another’s company. Sam’s own transfer to Area 51 was imminent, so when Jack got this weekend break, he decided to swoop her off her feet. Literally, it turned out.

Sam was so very glad he had, too. She had been worried about the strain the long distance would put on their burgeoning relationship. They had waited so long for the opportunity to be together, it wouldn’t be fair if something like a few hundred miles were to come between them.

She was determined to discuss the potential problems with him before they arose. She figured this afternoon would be as good an opportunity as they were likely to get. She smiled resolutely as Jack started maneuvering them back toward solid ground.

A little while later they were sitting down for lunch, once again on Jack’s tailgate. This time the atmosphere between them was very different. It seemed charged with a sort of electricity, and Sam shuddered, suddenly remembering the flood of electrical charge that had flowed through her when that entity had taken over her body.

“You cold?” Jack asked with concern.

Sam shook her head. “No, just… remembering what it was that got me out here with you the last time.”

Jack nodded. “One of the darkest days of my life,” he said quietly.

“Mine too.” Sam took another bite of her sandwich before she spoke again. “This was a great idea, Jack. I’m glad we came out here.”

“Me too,” Jack agreed. “We were a little overdue for some alone-time.”

“It’s only going to get harder, you know. Once I get moved to Area 51, I’m going to be working my tail off to catch up. I feel like I’ve barely scratched the surface of so much of the technology we’ve managed to acquire.”

“I have no doubt you’ll be up to speed in no time at all,” Jack said with a proud smile. And then… you’re going to be able to set your own schedule, have regular hours if you like.”

“I don’t know how regular my hours will ever be, even at R&D,” Sam said wryly. There’s just so much that I want to do… it would probably take several lifetimes to do it all.”

“Well, you’ve only got yours to burn out. Make sure you take care of yourself in the process.” Jack lifted his arm and draped it across her shoulders, pulling her into him. “After all, I’ve got some pretty big plans for us.”

“Oh really? Such as?” Sam asked with an innocent smile.

“Well, it starts with a weekend out at my cabin. Just the two of us,” he said with a suggestive waggle of his brow.

“That sounds great,” Sam replied with a smile. “When did you have in mind?”

“Next chance we get,” Jack replied. “I think I have a weekend off in… about… six weeks or so. Think you’ll be settled in enough to escape by then?”

“Yeah, I should be able to manage that,” she replied with a grin. She leaned her head on his shoulder. “So… you think we’ll really be able to manage this whole long-distance thing?”

“What’s a few miles between us after the mountain of regs that kept us apart for so long?” Jack replied with a smirk.

“That’s a very good question. You have a point. Still, it’s going to be so different. SG1 is really a part of our past now. We worked so closely together for so long, it’s going to be a lot to adjust to.”

“I think we’re up to the challenge,” Jack replied. He reached his free hand up to caress her cheek. “God knows we’ve worked hard enough for long enough to deserve this opportunity. I’m not about to screw this up, Sam. It’s too important to me. You are too important to me.”

“I know,” she returned quietly. “You mean the world to me, too. And I’m so grateful we have this chance to be together. I don’t want to mess it up either.”

“We won’t. We’re good together, Sam.” Jack’s voice was getting a little hoarse from unspent emotion now. “Eight years together have already proven that.”

“You’re right,” Sam said, equally choked up. She blinked against the sensation of tears burning her eyes quite suddenly. “We can do this. We’ll get it right this time, Jack, I’m sure.”

“So am I, Sam.” He brought his mouth down to hers to brush her lips with a gentle kiss. It was as soft as rain falling on a spring morning, and she opened her mouth beneath him, her tongue snaking out to taste his lips briefly before they parted.

Jack looked at her for a long time after their kiss, his eyes boring into hers with so many emotions she couldn’t track them all. “ ‘I love you’ doesn’t begin to cover it,” he finally said quietly.

“I know.” Sam smiled brightly for him, a tear slipping down her cheek and across his fingers. “Me too.”

For a very long time, they sat quietly together, savoring the moment, every feeling that came with it. It was so rare and precious for them to have this time together that they never wanted it to end. And yet, at the end of the day, there was a world to protect, a galaxy to explore, and countless alien technologies to study. They had there work cut out for them, but they loved what they did. They had each other now in a way they had scarcely dreamed of for so many years that they knew all too well the value of their time together. They may not be able to work side by side any more, but what they got in return was well worth the compromises at long last.

******

Fini~