'He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why'
We've just returned from Tollana. An impromptu celebration has been thrown together. After all we do have a few things to celebrate, Skaraa is now free from Klorel and the Tolans are allies of a sort. Oh they still won't share their technology with us, but given their past experience and the human race's propensity for self-destruction I can't really blame them. But they do owe us big and it's always a good thing when a more advanced race owes their continued existence and way of life to you.
By all accounts I should be on cloud nine. The good guys, us, just scored against the bad guys, the Goa'uld. First Hathor, then Seth, then Sokar and Apophis and now Klorel all defeated and with the exception of Klorel dead. Not that we've only had victories, we lost Sha're and we have yet to find the Harsesis child. All together not a bad year so far not perfect, but SG-1 is still alive and together. But no, I sit here across from Janet slowly tracing patterns in the condensation rings left from our beer bottles instead of celebrating with my teammates.
"Earth to Sam." Janet's voice slowly penetrates.
"Hmm?" I respond to Janet somewhat listlessly.
"Correct me if I'm wrong, but this is suppose to be a celebration, isn't it? Or did I miss something?" "No, you didn't miss anything. I guess I'm just not in a party mood."
"Wanna talk about it?"
I shrug, then look around to make sure that no one is in listening range.
"Well, it's stupid." I start and Janet shoots me a look to continue. "Well, on Tollana I asked Narim to meet me because we knew Sapacna's Jaffa were up to something. He thought I was asking him to meet me so we could spend time together." Seeing the surprised on Janet's face I realize that I never told her that we kissed when he was on Earth the first time. "Remember when we rescued the Tolans and brought them back to Earth? Well, Daniel and the General noticed that he seemed interested in me, so I spent some time with him. Showing him topside and talking to him. Well after we devised their escape, he gave me this Tolan device that records memories and he kissed me and I kissed him, then Daniel walked in. I never even really gave it another thought."
"And you never thought to tell me this before?" She asks somewhat incredulously.
"Well, honestly, no. I mean it wasn't like it was an earth shattering kiss or I thought that it would lead to anything."
She just glares at me for a moment then motions me to continue.
"Any way, I told him that a lot had happened to me since we had last seen each other. He thought I meant that I met some else. That's a laugh, when do I have time to meet anyone? But I told him about my being blended with Jolinar and having all of her memories to deal with before I could consider a relationship with anyone."
"Well, that makes sense. So what's wrong?"
"It got me thinking. I love my job and I can't complain. It far exceeds my childhood fantasies about what I wanted to do when I grew up. I mean, hell, I've saved the world, how many people can honestly say that? My job is exciting, adventuresome; it challenges me both mentally and physically. I can be truly proud of what I do. I just can't actually tell anyone what I really do. And I'm OK with that, I mean suppose I did tell someone? They'd haul me off to the loony bin faster than I could count to three."
She nods and we share a sad smile. I know she understands she's in much the same position. "I guess it's the whole American dream thing. I mean, I'm supposed to have a wonderfully fulfilling job and find someone to share my life with. Well the only men who have shown any interest in me the last few years have been aliens from distant planets. And while I know I come into contact with aliens more often than I do normal men, it's still disheartening. Let's face it, Narim's from a technologically advanced society that thinks our scientific knowledge is quaint. The Tolans also seem to be a bit arrogant and severely lacking a sense of humor. I don't mind that they're smarter, I just don't think I could put up with the condescending 'since we're more technologically advanced than you we know everything and you know nothing' attitude that I got form most of the Tolans. I suppose I should be flattered that someone so much smarter than I am is interested in me but they seem to consider us a bunch of primitives." "Does he have that attitude?"
"Well, he did mention that he thought we were more diplomatic when I told him that Teal'C and I had followed Sapacna's Jaffa. He seemed to immediately jump to the conclusion that we were trying to unfairly bias the triad. Not a very flattering response."
"No, thinking the worst doesn't really seem to point to trust and respect."
"Exactly! And trust, well that brings to mind the other alien who's shown some interest in me."
"Martouf."
"Yes." I sigh. "I have all of these feelings and memories of him that aren't mine. When we went to rescue my father from Hell, I had to recall some of Jolinar's memories. Some of them none too pleasant and some of them down right too personal to experience when they're not your own." That gets a raised eyebrow from Janet. "I was trying to remember how Jolinar escaped from Hell it wasn't working. He had me remember their last night together before she left, hoping that it would trigger something. It didn't trigger the memories he was hoping for; she loved him so much. I felt like I was drowning in her emotions. I felt like a voyeur, spying on something I had no right to witness. With Martouf I'd never know if what I felt was what I actually felt or if it was residual from Jolinar's possession and therefore her feelings. And Martouf's feelings for me, if they're more than friendship, which I don't know, are they for me or are they because I'm the last link to his lost love. I could drive myself crazy quite easily wondering about that and ultimately end up hating him and myself."
"I'd have to say you hit the nail on the head with that summation of a relationship with Martouf. It would be an emotional minefield. And the fallout could have serious repercussions."
"Believe me, I know." I sigh. "I didn't think life was suppose to be this difficult. We're suppose to find the perfect job, meet Mr. Right, settle down, have 2.5 children and house with a white picket fence."
"Life is never that easy, Sam."
"I know." I let my gaze wander around the room. Briefly it rests on him. As if sensing my gaze he turns toward us. Quickly before he can catch me staring I look away, straight into Janet's knowing gaze.
"So, what about the non-alien contingent?"
Purposely misunderstanding her I reply. "Now while Graham is very sweet, he's also too young and a junior officer. Besides it's only a crush, he'll out grow it."
I duck as she throws a balled up napkin at me.
"That wasn't who I meant, and you know it."
"I haven't a clue as to whom you're referring to."
"Do to."
"Do not."
"Do to."
"Do not."
"Do."
"Not."
"Do."
"Not."
"Not."
"Do." My voice slowly trails off, as I realize that she tricked me.
"YES!" She says quietly, but emphatically.
"That means nothing."
"Right. Sure. If I wasn't on the right track I would never have tripped you up."
Well what are friends for, if not to push all of your buttons and make you face the inconvenient truth? "Even if what you're implying is true, it doesn't matter. He's more out of reach than any alien could ever be. You know that as well as I do."
"Is he?"
"Come on Janet, live in the real world. Let's just forget about the whole military thing, that's just the icing on the cake. While I admit to a propensity for falling for the 'Lunatic Fringe' he has almost as many emotional stumbling blocks to a relationship as I do."
"But could two alternate realities be wrong?"
"Janet have you noticed that in those other realities I'm not in the military and that the Earth has been successfully attacked by the Goa'uld?"
"What, you're trying to rational not even considering a relationship on the misguided notion that the Earth will be attacked if you get together and find happiness? That's preposterous!"
"Besides Janet, he's not interested."
"Bullshit!"
"Janet!"
"You two dance around each other. You flirt and smile and joke, you both keep it safe, but I blind man could see the chemistry between you. I saw him when you were dying from the Ashrak's attack. I was there. For God's sake he ignored a red alert. When have you ever known him to do that? When have you known him not to be in the thick of the action? Why can't you admit it? "
"Because then I might have to do something about it." I admit sorrow lacing my tone. "I can't have it all, I can't do what I love and have him. At least not now."
"Then when?"
"I don't know."
"Well you better decide soon, cause it might be too late when you finally make up your mind." "What's that suppose to mean?"
"Just how long do you think you're guys' luck is going to hold out? Do you realize how nerve racking it is when you guys come back early, come back late, don't come back? Hell, even when you come back as scheduled you don't always come back unscathed. How many times have you cheated death? Beat the odds? Triumphed over superior forces? I don't want to jinx you, but there have been times when we thought we'd never see you again. Life is short, if I've learned nothing else from being a Doctor; I've learned that. More thoroughly than I ever wanted to. And your job isn't exactly the safest job in the universe. You probably couldn't get health or life insurance if you weren't in the military."
Her attempt at ending on a light note falls flat. She's right. I can't refute what she's said. Tonight's celebration is in triumph over superior forces. It's happening only because we don't trust the Goa'uld, that we are inherently suspicious of them and their motives. It wasn't because we're strong, faster or better. It has nothing to do with being morally right. It was because we've learned to be paranoid where the Goa'uld are concerned. Think of the worst possible scenario and then imagine something ten times worse and then we might be on the right track. Knowing that where there are Goa'uld there will be lies, deceit and trickery.
"I know Janet." My gaze travels back to him. He's talking to Daniel and Teal'c, but as if he knows I'm watching him, his gaze finds mine unerringly. Our eyes lock and it's as if the whole room disappears. What if, I think, then look away. I know life is short and ours is dangerous. Part of me wants everything and part of me knows that as things stand now I can't have everything. I look at Janet. "I know, but it can't be right now." I sigh and take a drink of my beer. "Someday, though."
She raises her beer bottle "To someday."
"To someday." Clinking bottles. Nothing is changed, nothing is solved, but sometimes that's the way life is.
"Let's join the party."
The End
Everything by Lola
Story Notes: E-MAIL ADDRESS: pandora@softcom.net
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters belong to MGM, Gekko Corp and Double Secret Productions. This fan fiction was created solely for entertainment purposes and no money was made from it. Also, no copyright or trademark infringement was intended. Any similarity to real persons, alive or dead, is coincidental. The lyrics from 'Everything You Want' by Vertical Horizon, were used without permission, no infringement was intended.
ARCHIVE: Sam & Jack Archive.
SEASON: 3, takes place right after 'Pretense.'
SPOILERS: Knowledge up to 'Pretense' advised. Spoilers for 'Enigma', 'Point of View', 'Forever in a Day', 'Jolinar's Memories', 'The Devil You Know' and 'Pretense'.
DATE: 01/27/01
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters belong to MGM, Gekko Corp and Double Secret Productions. This fan fiction was created solely for entertainment purposes and no money was made from it. Also, no copyright or trademark infringement was intended. Any similarity to real persons, alive or dead, is coincidental. The lyrics from 'Everything You Want' by Vertical Horizon, were used without permission, no infringement was intended.
ARCHIVE: Sam & Jack Archive.
SEASON: 3, takes place right after 'Pretense.'
SPOILERS: Knowledge up to 'Pretense' advised. Spoilers for 'Enigma', 'Point of View', 'Forever in a Day', 'Jolinar's Memories', 'The Devil You Know' and 'Pretense'.
DATE: 01/27/01
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]