Standing not more than 20 feet from him, she watched as he carefully placed his arms around her shoulder, bringing Laira into a comfortable embrace. Shock and anger tore through her at what she was witnessing. Not quite sure how to deal with her turbulent feelings, she turned away from him, hurt and pain etched in her face. It was clear from his actions, that he never expected to return, and in believing that, he'd began to set up a life with someone: Laira.
Her stomach felt as if it were being ripped in half. All this time she'd spent trying to save him. For the last few months, she'd barely eaten or slept, she had to get the Colonel home; that was her only objective. Now though seeing him with her, and the uncomfortable feeling that fleeted between them, she wondered if she'd made the right decision.
Janet had asked her, if the Colonel's disappearance was going to cause a problem, and obviously she'd said `No'. How could she tell Janet the truth? Jack was her superior, and she was his 2IC, that's all there was to it. But, if that was the case, then why did it tear her in half to see him in the arms of another women? She didn't have an answer.
***
Less than a week had passed since Jack return from Edora, and Captain Samantha Carter was only just recovering from her own after-effects. Working night and day had taken its toll on her body.
Tired and emotional she watched him saunter down the corridor; and it annoyed her. His casual attitude, his expectations that everything could return to normality without a word of thanks, was she expecting too much? No. At least she didn't think so. At every opportunity he seemed to avoid her, and she didn't know why. Not one word of thanks had passed from his lips. He'd greeted everyone with a smile, everyone that is except her. On the surface, he appeared to be the same colonel that left the SGC 3 months ago, but there was something different lurking behind his eyes, something that she couldn't put her finger on. Was it possible that he resented her for finding a way to bring him back from Edora?
It hurt her that he could dismiss her so offhanded as he had the last few days since his return, the least he could do was acknowledge her efforts, couldn't he? Didn't he realise how much of her life she'd sacrificed, in trying to bring him home? Obviously not. Good old Sam Carter, always able to find the impossible, no matter what the cost. This time, though it cost her more than her time. His nonchalance had hurt her more than anyone realised.
Carrying her toolkit, she thought about avoiding him, she didn't know if she could face him without losing her temper, but she couldn't ignore him forever. They were on the same team, and they had to sort it out, before it got out of hand. She didn't know if he had a problem with her, or if it was just one sided, but she knew that until they sorted things out, they wouldn't be able to work together. At least not without there being an uneasiness between them. He'd already made it clear that he couldn't stand to be in the same room as her, or look at her as he did before. Over the last few days a frosty, uncomfortable atmosphere had been enveloping them. As time went on she hoped that the uneasiness would fade into the background, but it hadn't. How could they work around each other, when from all appearances it seemed as if he didn't want her near. If she was to remain working with him, they had to cleat the air. And now seemed like a good a time as any.
***
Standing at the entrance to the elevator Jack nodded his head in acknowledgement.
"Carter."
"Sir."
Then that uncomfortable silence began.
Jack shifted his feet uncomfortably, for the first time in his life; he didn't know what to say to her. He'd heard what she'd done for him; the hours she'd spent slaving away to bring him back; the lack of sleep she'd forgone to enable his return. He could tell she was uncomfortable on his homecoming from Edora - her silence, the fact that she held herself back when walking towards the Stargate was a sure sign that something was seriously wrong. It wasn't until his return though that he found out why she had looked so pale and gaunt; and he felt guilty.
He thought initially that they'd find a way to bring him home…that Sam would find a way. But as the weeks turned into months, he began to realise that maybe he had to rebuild his life there on Edora. And after 3 months, he needed someone; it wasn't as if he loved her, but she was kind and they'd fallen into a comfortable reverie.
His feelings for Laira were more of kinship than love, and she reminded him so much of Carter, that same tenaciousness, the will to survive against all the odds. It just seemed like the most natural thing in the world – to turn to someone when you felt lost and alone. And that's exactly what he did. In doing so though he'd un- intentionally hurt her and if he could find a way to stop her hurting he would, but as things stood now, he really didn't know what to do… or what to say.
Sam, in the confines of the elevator tried to stand as far away from him as possible. The bag filled with tools felt heavy on her shoulder, feeling as if the weight of the world was encumbering her she laid down the instruments on the floor, but it didn't ease the heaviness that settled around her shoulders. That pain would, she knew would only go away when the time was right.
Suddenly, without warning, the elevator juddered before coming to a dead stop. Bracing himself, Jack grabbed onto Sam as the turbulence abated slowly. Realising he still held her with his hand, he looked sheepish before placing his hands back down towards his side, looking everywhere except at her eyes.
"Sorry." He mumbled, partly incoherently. Not wanting her to see his embarrassment or the slight flush in his cheeks, he turned away.
Ignoring his pleasantries, she sighed loudly.
Noticing her increasing melancholy mood, he didn't fancy being stuck in such a confined space as this for a long time with her. Trying to end their situation, he began pressing all the buttons sequentially in an effort to get it moving again.
"What are you doing?" Sam asked with slight exasperation.
"Trying to get this thing moving." Jack replied with a slightly harsher tone than he intended.
"Well, with all due respect, sir, that's not going to help."
"It might."
Rolling her eyes with slight exasperation, she continued. "Lets just call maintenance, sir, with any luck we might be out of here within the next few minutes. I don't know about you, but I don't relish being stuck in here for hours."
Attempting to lighten her obviously dark mood he joking asked. "Not keen on my company these days, Captain?" As soon as the words left his mouth, he knew he'd touched a raw nerve. From the look on her face, he could see that in truth he wasn't that far from hitting the mark.
Okay, that answers that question, Jack remarked inwardly before picking up the telephone in the hopes of being rescued once more. The atmosphere was becoming decidedly frosty when he finally got through to someone.
"What do you mean it's going to be a couple of hours?" Jack replied heatedly through the end of the receiver.
"Great! Just what I need right now." Sam mumbled in silent defeat. She didn't think that this day could get any worse…until now. Her efforts at trying to avoid him began slowly falling to the wayside. In retrospect, fate seemed to be playing a cruel trick on her. No matter what she did, she knew she couldn't avoid him forever. And from the looks of things, fate had decreed that this was their moment to sit down and talk…whether they liked it or not.
***
Bringing his voice down to barely above a whisper, he turned away from Sam and through clenched teeth continued. "You have exactly 10 minutes to get this elevator moving, Siler or that wrench you carry will be placed strategically. I've got a hot-tempered Captain down here, and if you relish this Colonel's sanity then get me out of here double quick. Is that understood?"
Sam, hearing the words `hot tempered' felt her blood pressure raise a few notches. Hot tempered? If that's how he saw her now, he hadn't seen anything yet as far as she was concerned.
As soon as he came of the telephone she crossed her arms purposely across her chest. "Problem Colonel?"
"No, not really. Lets just say it's going to be a while."
"How long is a while, sir?"
"Um…maybe two or three hours."
"You're kidding."
"I kid you not, Captain. Look, Carter, I want to get out of here, as quickly as you do. But since *this* isn't Siler's priority at the moment, we're on our own. So, how about passing me over that tool kit."
"I don't think so, sir."
"And why's that?"
"Do you know the first thing about fixing this?"
"No, but do you really expect me to wait until they come get us…" Jack stated unequivocally before muttering, "…especially with the mood you're in?"
"Excuse me?" Sam replied heatedly catching the tail end of his reply. As far as she was concerned, it was his fault she was in a mood, and here he was having a go at her?
"Well let's face it, you're not exactly stimulating company at the moment, Carter."
So this was how it was going to be, was it? Fine! If that's the way he wanted to play it, two could play that game. "Fine, sir. Knock yourself out." She replied her irritation increasing. Throwing the bag in his direction, she turned and slid down the furthest wall from him. If they were going to be stuck in this confinement for the next few hours, the one thing she could do was get herself as comfortable as possible.
"So you're not going to help?" Jack asked as she proceeded to slide down the wall.
"Let me get this straight. You insult me, *then* ask for my help? So which is it, sir? Are you saying you need my help?"
"Not with that attitude, I don't. Besides, I'm sure I'm more than capable of handling this task on my own. How complicated can this be…" Jack finished talking to no one in particular.
"That's fine by me." Sam finished crossing her arms.
"Good." Jack said wanting to have the last word.
"Fine." Sam continued.
Ignoring her surly comment, Jack opened the panel to reveal a plethora of wires and lighted instruments. Okay, so this wasn't going to be as easy as he'd anticipated. Mulling over what to do first, he began checking each individual wire to ensure there was not one burning or a loose connection. Pulling back the circuitry wires one by one, he caught his hand on a live wire; the electrical current tore through his fingers like a bolt of lightening, and in response turned the lights out.
"Ow! Crap." Jack shouted blowing on his burned fingers before waving them madly in the air in an effort to cool them down.
"Great, now not only do I have to stay here for hours, but from all accounts you've knocked out the main breaker. Nice going, sir." Sam sighed shaking her head. Why he couldn't leave well enough alone was beyond her. What was it men and their tools? She never could understand it.
"I've burned my fingers, Carter. Could I at least have a bit of sympathy before you do the whole `I told you so' speech." Jack remarked stoically with a pained expression in his chocolate brown eyes.
"I did warn you." Sam answered unperturbed by his melodrama.
"I don't need a lecture from you." Jack continued irately, looking for something in the first aid kit attached to the wall.
"Oh *that's* charming. So I'm being referred to as "you" now am I? Thanks very much, sir."
"Hey you started it." Jack retorted over his shoulder, before continuing his search for the elusive ointments and band-aids.
"Me?" Sam asked with incredulity. "How the hell did I start it? I wasn't the one who decided to fiddle around with the circuit board."
"And you expected me to spend the next two hours stuck alone in here with you, in such a delightful mood did you, Captain?" He answered with increasing frustration. Growling at the fact that his now burnt fingers were stopping him from opening the saline solution to calm the heat emanating from his fingertips, he turned towards her, giving her a look. "Are you just going to stand there and yell or are you at least going to give me a hand with this." Indicating to the saline.
"Well, sir, since it was you who took out the main breaker and plunged us into darkness, we'll probably be here for *more* than two hours. If you had let Siler do his job in the first place and fix the damn thing, we'd probably be out by now. But no, you had to go and play macho man, Colonel Jack O'Neill to the rescue." Sam retorted walking over to him and grasping the saline from his fingers, Jack winced at her lack of sympathy, then suddenly he felt the soothing liquid flow down his slender fingers.
"Yeah well it sure beats the hell out of having Captain Carter to the rescue every time."
"Ah, so that's what's been annoying you. Would you prefer I leave you on some god forsaken planet next time you're stranded, sir?" Sam retorted sarcastically, finally realising why he was in a bad mood. He was pissed with her for rescuing him. Now she understood.
"Well at this moment in time, being stranded on some god forsaken planet would be a hell of a lot better than being here with you." As soon as the words came out of his mouth, he regretted them, trouble was, he couldn't take it back. He didn't mean to say it, and that really wasn't what he felt towards her, but how could he tell her the truth given their circumstances?
"I can't believe that just came out of your mouth."
"I didn't mean it like that." He replied softly.
"Yes you did." Sam continued not giving him an inch. This time he really had pissed her off.
"Didn't."
"Did."
Finally it came to a head when both of them lapsed into silence, their verbal sparring was becoming petty and childish. Neither of them was able to look at each other as they walked to opposite ends of their metal confides; their faces hidden within their dark shadows.
Watching her place her head in her hands upset him. He hadn't intended for it to get to this point, but it had. And nothing he said now could take away the regret he was feeling. He wished this whole Edora trip hadn't happened. Sitting in silence he remembered an old saying that his mother had taught him. `You always hurt the ones you love more, because they evoke the passion from within.' He'd forgotten about it till now, and she was right. His childish behaviour stemmed from the fact that he knew what he did was wrong, but because he couldn't see a way round of changing his actions, he did the next best thing…kept his distance, and in doing so he'd hurt her.
Sam closed her eyes in quiet contemplation, in the hopes that for the next hour or so that they were in there alone he would keep his mouth shut. It was bad enough that everyone looked to her expecting her to know the answers to everything…sometimes she just got lucky, that was just the way it was. It could have easily been Teal'c or Daniel left stranded on the planet, and she would have done everything in her power to bring them home, just as she had with the Colonel. But with him, it was different… personal, she didn't know how or when her feelings for him had arisen, but like it or not she had to deal with them. And fate had decreed that today was the day.
Jack, unable to face the silence any longer continued. "You know none of this would have happened if you hadn't been in a snit."
"Excuse me?"
"Are you denying it?"
"Yes."
"Well you can't, because everyone on the base knows you've been in a bad mood since I got back." Jack carried on nervously, knowing full well he was venturing into unknown territory.
"And who's everyone, sir?" Sam replied coming to a standing position, complete with hands on hips, demanding he answer.
"People."
"Who?"
"Me."
"And?" Sam countered tilting her head in a questioning manner.
He couldn't believe it. Why couldn't he just have kept his mouth shut? Instead of making things better, he was making it worse. Everything that seemed to be coming out of his mouth seemed to be the wrong thing; he didn't even know why he was doing this to her…pushing her further away. It was like an in built defence mechanism. The more his feelings for her escalated, the further he pushed her aside, because it was easier than telling her the truth. And that was the problem.
A cold stony silence befell the darkness once more and for the first time since they stepped into the elevator he didn't know what to say.
Sam felt tears of hot burning anger fall down her cheeks. She wasn't crying for him, but his words had hurt her, and for those few moments she was pleased he couldn't read her expressions. Pulling herself and her anger into a tight ball she pushed it far down deep within her chest, if nothing else she wasn't going to let him see her upset. If he wanted `snitty' then that's what he was going to get.
"Okay, sir. Lay your cards out on the table."
Damn she'd called him on it.
"I don't think this is the sort of a place we can properly sort this matter out, Captain. Do you?" Jack answered cryptically trying to find any way to get out of this mess that he'd suddenly found himself in the middle of.
"Well with all due respect, sir you brought it up, not me."
"Yeah, well…I'm beginning to wish I hadn't." Jack replied in all honesty.
"Well now that you have, I think now is as good a time as any. So, I'm listening, sir. If you have a problem with me, then I'd like to get it sorted here and now."
"Okay. You start."
"I don't have a problem, but apparently you do with me. Or am I completely wrong on that score?" Sam asked eyeing him with incredulity.
"Hey, I'm not the one who's got a problem here. Ever since I got back from Edora you've been acting…well you've not been yourself. Was it something I said? Something I didn't say? Throw me a bone here Carter, I'm not a mind reader."
Pacing back and forth, Sam gesticulated wildly and unreservedly about his accusations. To think, he honestly believed that it was *her* who had the problem. He couldn't have been further from the truth, and this time, she wasn't afraid to tell just that. "Hey, it's not me who kept their distance. That was you. Every time I tried to talk to you, you walked away. It was you who refused to speak to me, not the other way around. Do you want me to be completely honest with you?"
"That would be a refreshing change from these last few days."
"Are you sure, sir? Because I have a feeling that this goes way beyond ranks and regulations." Sam stated without a hint of doubt that what they both were about to say would go far beyond their normal flirtations.
It was time for a bit of honesty.
In an unexpected move, Jack walked casually over to where he saw a willowy figure standing not more than a few feet from his vicinity. If they were going to do this, it had to be done right. There was no way they could do this on a professional level, with the way the conversation had been flowing, there seemed a very real likelihood that `things' might come out. And since it was on his insistence, he had to make sure that they both understood; this was personal.
Sam felt her chest tighten as he neared her. Thoughts tumbled to the forefront of her mind. She didn't have a clue what he was doing, but whatever it was, it was making her very nervous. The soft sound of a gentle breath escaped her lips, and she could have sworn that the only sound emanating from this dark place was the sound of her own heartbeat.
With slight apprehension he walked to within centimetres of her, and grasped hold of his dog tags, before pulling them over his head, wrapping the chain in a tight coil in the palm of his hands before reaching out for her hand.
The silence was deafening as he reached out to her, taking hold of her hand that lay casually by her side.
With a shaky voice she spoke softly in the darkness, "What are you doing?"
Without a word, he placed the dog tags into her open hand.
Staring endlessly at the tags held in her shaking hand, she felt her chest tighten at this unexpected gesture, and smiled lightly. In response to his actions, she proceeded to follow suite, taking off her own ID tags, and placed them ceremoniously in his hand.
"No ranks." Was all she said.
"No ranks." Jack replied in affirmation.
Moving over to the corner of the elevator she gentle placed herself down. Jack following her with uncertainty, sat down beside her. Unsure what to do with his hands; he placed them nervously in his lap. Uncertainty washed through him at what he was actually going to say to her. He knew he'd upset her, that much was obvious, but from the intense look in her eyes, he also knew he'd unintentionally hurt her.
Time to bite the bullet. It seemed only fair, he'd made the first opening gesture and now it was up to her to explain what had been going through her mind since his return. Taking a deep steadying breath, she spoke; her voice was barely above a whisper when she asked him. "Do you resent me bringing you home?"
"No, of course not. Why…why would you think that?" Jack replied with complete astonishment. Was this what she'd been thinking? That he resented her? Nothing could be further from the truth.
"Your attitude towards me. You haven't given me so much as the time of day since you got back to the SGC. What do you expect me to think?" Sam replied looking directly at him, needing him to know that he hurt her.
"I'm sorry."
"So you have been avoiding me?"
"Yes…no…maybe." Jack replied nervously, feeling a desperate need to get up and walk around. Doing so though wouldn't make the situation any less bearable.
"Well that's comprehensive."
"Give me a break, this isn't exactly the easiest of conversations for me."
"What, and you think this is easy for me?"
"No, of course not, that's not what I meant." Jack snapped, a little too harshly. "Yes, I have been avoiding you, and no, it hasn't got anything to do with me resenting you. I can't believe that's what you thought."
"Then *why* have you been avoiding me? I don't get it. I worked my ass off to bring you back and you behave towards me as…"
Recalling the last few days, he knew she was right. He'd behaved like a total ass. "I know. I was avoiding you, because… well, I just didn't want to hurt you further. I felt guilty, okay? There I've said it. On Edora, I did something that I wasn't happy about and now I feel…guilty."
"Laira?"
"Laira."
"Sir." Sam responded without thinking.
"Ah, no ranks, Captain." Jack smiled holding up their dog tags, and hoping that it would elicit a smile from her to. "Everyone told me what you did when I got back, the hours you spent working to bring me home. You never gave up on me." Ruffling his hair with his hands nervously he continued with a hint of uncertainty. Sure he'd said he was going to be honest with her, she deserved that right after the way he'd treated her, but wanting to say something and being able to say it…face to face was something entirely different. Taking a long shaky breath he continued softly, his face evoking pain and sadness at the thought of how he'd hurt her. "When it came time to say goodbye, I saw you turn away…the look on your face said a thousand words. And when I saw the look in your eyes, I felt as if I…betrayed us, our…friendship."
"You slept with her." There was no harshness in her voice as she spoke those words. She had realised as soon as they arrived that something had gone on between the two of them, it was evident for all to see. She wasn't blind, and he was right, she did feel betrayed, but why? It wasn't as if they were together, or that they could ever be.
"Y
es." "What do you expect me to say?"
"I don't know…something, anything."
"It's not my place." Sam replied guarded. Although the tags were off and he'd given her almost carte blanche to talk openly, somehow it didn't sit right. After they got out of *this* he'd still beher CO and her, his 2IC, nothing will have changed. Ultimately she knew she had no right to judge him for his actions. To him it was probably the most logical thing to do at the time. He'd obviously given up hope of leaving and was starting a new life…just not with her.
"No, I suppose it isn't." Jack answered softly. "I just thought…"
"What?"
"I didn't think that you would find a way to bring me back. I waited a long time for you to work your magic..." Jack smiled sadly,"…but you never came."
Suddenly she felt embarrassed that she'd pushed him into a corner that he couldn't get out of. The Colonel was an intensely private man, she knew that, and watching him struggle with his words, made her realise that this had been just as hard on him as it had on her. With pity in her expressive blue eyes, tinged with regret she told him softly. "You don't have to explain."
"Yes, I do." He was emphatic on that point, she needed to hear this, more importantly he wanted her to hear what he had to say. Whether it would change the nature of their…relationship? Friendship? Hell even he didn't know how to define it, but either way it was important. "We've been through a lot these last few years, and I didn't want you to think that… everything we've built up together was for nothing."
"I know that, but when you started avoiding me I honestly believed that you felt I wronged you in some way by bringing you back to the SGC. I mean what was I supposed to think? I worked my ass off and you ignored me. Every time you looked at me, I saw something in your eyes, it was like you hated me."
"I don't hate you, Carter. I just couldn't stand to be near you because I felt… guilty." Jack answered honestly looking down at his tightly clasped hands.
Sam looked at him intensely, his pained expression tore through her, his words meant so much to her ears. She never expected this kind of revelation from him. Sure, they'd danced around their feelings for each other, but she knew that nothing could come of it. That was the way it was, and that was the way it had to be…like it or not. There was no denying to herself or to him that the chemistry between them was always there, sometimes above the surface, sometimes not. It had to be that way, though. Not just for their sakes, but for the team's. They couldn't act on their feelings because they knew ultimately it could compromise the team, and more importantly their careers. Neither one of them was willing to sacrifice that, just yet. So, this was how it had to be.
He'd been honest with her, and it was about time she shared something with him. It wasn't easy what she had to say, but he had a right to know how she felt, he'd shared a piece of his feelings with her, and now it was time she reciprocated, no matter how difficult it was to tell him.
"I wish things could be different, but they can't. You know that as well as I do. I can't stop you from being with someone else any more than you could with me. I mean its not as if *this* could go anywhere, not with the way we are at the moment. Do I wish things could be different? Of course I do, but what choice do we have? You retire, I retire…what can we do, but wait. As much as I hate saying it, it's not our time. When I saw you with Laira, it hurt, I felt as if you'd given up on there ever being a chance of us being together. But deep down, I know that it's unfair of me to think that. You have a right to live out your life with whomever you choose… I may not like it, but I have to accept it. We've chosen to put our careers first and out feelings second, now whether that will change in the future, I don't know, do you?"
"No." Jack answered softly, keeping his eyes on his lap."You and I have been through so much together. When you're not with me, I feel as if there's an empty void waiting to be filled, but when I see you… I feel complete. Does that make sense?" he asked looking into her sapphire blue eyes. He waited for some kind of acknowledgement from her before he continued.
Sam didn't know what to say, her head swam with feelings that she'd had to put to one side, because she knew she'd never be able to act on them. Part of her wasn't even sure that he felt the same. He always seemed to keep his feelings so close to his chest that she never knew how he felt about her. There was no denying the attraction between them, but in reality she never expected him to verbalise his feelings for her, and now that he had, it had taken her completely by surprise.
"I thought you'd given up on me, and I was…lonely, I missed my life here…I missed you. Laira was so much like you in certain ways that being with her felt in some weird way like I was with you. Then after you came back for me, I didn't know what to do."
"I hear what you're saying, really I do." Sam answered slightly hesitantly, wondering if she should tell him what she'd overheard on Edora. "I can understand you being lonely, and feeling like you had no way out. Laira was undoubtedly kind to you, but the thing is, you asked her to come back with you." Sam asked her voice tinged with sadness.
"What was I supposed to do, Sam? Spend three months with this woman, and then walk away? That's not my style."
"So you did it out of courtesy?"
"Sort of. I knew Laira would never leave her world, but I had to ask her."
"And what would you have done if she said `yes'" Sam broached carefully, unsure if she really wanted to hear the answer.
"Honestly? I have no idea. Laira understood that my place was here at the SGC; she knew that from the very beginning. For the first month, I tried everything to find my own way back, and it came to a point when I had to force myself to accept that I might never come home. So I had a choice, remain miserable forever or try and build a new life. I could have stayed on Edora, Sam, but I didn't. And do you know why?"
Sam shook her head allowing him to finish. "Because it never was home to me, and deep down, Laira knew that."
"And now?" Sam asked barely able to breathe as his hand reaches out and slips into hers.
"Now, I'm home."
FINIS
Story Notes: AN: Yep, I know its been a while since I posted a fic, but my dad died recently and I haven't been up to writing these last few months. But thanks to some very good friends, I'm getting back in the saddle again. Thanks very much to Lori for Betaing and for Beth who coerced me into writing this. Spoilers: 100 Days
Feedback: Always, the good the bad and the ugly.
Email: scully30.miller@virgin.net
Feedback: Always, the good the bad and the ugly.
Email: scully30.miller@virgin.net
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]