There was no bickering or teasing while we walked towards the Gate. No alleviating the tension. Nothing, but a gloomy atmosphere.
Teal’c and Daniel realized by then that something big had happened in the labyrinth, but decided to keep quiet. How could I explain what it took out of me watching him die?
Jack was taking point, with me on his heals, and I could sense the looks our friends were giving us. It’s like they were burning a hole in my back, but I don’t mind. I don’t care.
At one point, I think we were all too scared to break the silence that followed us since we left, and when the wormhole opened, kawoosh seemed to have snapped us out of our thoughts back to reality.
Kawoosh… such a Jack O’Neill word…
oOo
“Welcome back SG-1,” the General greets us from the control room.
We all nod in return.
I haven’t felt this way since… since then.
“Go get your medical out of the way, we debrief in one hour.”
One hour to sort through my emotions. Doesn’t seem enough. Never enough time.
However impossible I do it. Or at least give my best shot to look not affected.
oOo
Janet’s looking as if knowing something happened. She doesn’t ask though, never did. We all know Daniel’s gonna give her a special debrief later. Once he knows what’s going on, that is.
First the Colonel gives hard facts. How does he do it? How can he stay so detached? I guess, he’s Jack O’Neill. And that explains everything.
He’s seen so many horrors, and yet, still alive, still normal. As much as one can be, in our line of work.
I risk a gaze in his direction, and there’s something in his eyes, but it’s gone too fast for me to properly understand what it was in the first place.
My voice doesn’t shake when I relate the events of the mission. I explain how I disobeyed the Colonel’s order to leave, but back it up with my conviction that I couldn’t get out on my own anyway, because those weapons would’ve probably appeared all the way to the exit. I wonder briefly if I’m in an emotional shock, but the thought flees away when Daniel speaks backing me up.
He believes we were never meant to leave the labyrinth through some kind of a door. That the choice I made was the right one because it wasn’t about going through the stupid maze… but a test. He adds that he believes the labyrinth was built by the Ancients and that we should ask the Lasolian people if they’d submit to a testing to see if they have the gene.
In all likelihood they do, otherwise the labyrinth wouldn’t work for them. And in light of their stories, it did work. All too well.
Teal’c doesn’t say anything. It amazes me what I can hear in his silence, and it’s never judgment. For a moment I just wish his big arms would envelop me, hold me tight while I cry. But no.
I will not cry. It’s ridiculous to cry over something that didn’t happen.
The General dismiss us, giving us his congratulations on completing these missions. What’s to congratulate? Then again, I’m not in the position to analyze anything now.
oOo
Three hours since the debriefing and I still haven’t gone home. Can’t face it.
The Colonel retreated from the briefing room at the speed of light, and I’m kinda grateful for it, because I don’t think I could’ve stayed in his presents and not break down.
In the safety of my lab I try to work on a pet project, but it’s not going too well.
Four Zat’s lay in front of me, one completely dismantled. Trying to find a way to replicate the battery that powers the Zat’s, has proven to be very difficult. In fact, I think I just depleted the battery all together from one of them.
Sitting there, broken to pieces, it felt as if the damned thing is mocking me. You’re not good enough, as if it said. And it makes me angry.
I reach for the part that serves to conduct the energy through the Zat, and it sends a burst of power to my hand!
“Damn it!” I yell to the empty room. It stings.
I try to shake it off, but the pain just reminds me of the bars I tried to lift… they were so heavy.
Tears are forming, but I’m relentless. I will not waver. Crying is something other people do.
I place my palms to the cold surface of the table in a vain attempt to cool my nerves as well as my hand, but my treacherous eyes won’t listen. Tears are still there, and I have a feeling they’re not going away.
I make the mistake of closing them, and tears run free.
There’s no shaking breakdown, no yelling in frustration, just one tear from each eye. Gone before you’d know they were there.
“Carter,” his voice has me snapping my head towards the door.
“Sir,” it’s not a greeting, it’s an acknowledgment. I knew he’d come. I just didn’t know I wouldn’t be prepared.
He moves slowly, stopping only inches away.
I finally abandon my table for the sake of facing him head on. I don’t think he noticed the tears, but I can’t be sure. I can never be sure with that man. He has such a way of disarming me that I’d feel naked even if I had layers and layers of clothes on me.
We stand there, in silence. I’m nervous under his scrutiny mainly because I know the tears are coming again, and this time, I don’t think I’ll be able to stop them.
I release a sigh. “Sir…” there’s nothing more I can say but that one word. My eyes cloud.
“C’mere,” Jack says and pulls me into a hug.
I don’t think there’s anything better than his hug. Not even Teal’c’s comes close. It could be because I’m not in love with Teal’c.
There’s a blank in my mind…
Did I just…
I don’t think I can breathe…
“Carter?” Jack pulls away to look at me.
“I…” but I’m too choked for words. If I don’t tell him now, I’d never… “Sir, I…” he can see what I’m going to say, can’t he? I take a deep breath. “I love you.”
The words hang in the air, and I regret them immediately. Why didn’t he stop me!?
He’s surprised.
Didn’t he know?
I want to apologize. I start to pull away, my hands falling from his chest.
I stammer. “I… I…” What? I’m sorry for loving him? No. I’m sorry for ruining my career?
“Sam,” he stops me by grabbing hold of my upper arms, getting me closer to him again. “I love you,” the words are barely a whisper, but I hear them anyway.
How can one be so miserable in one moment and completely happy in another?
I don’t care about my career. I’ll quit the Air Force. He can retire. We can break the rules and keep it quite. We can continue as before but with the difference of the knowing we still love each other. I don’t care.
But this is wrong… something’s wrong. He’d never let me do this, he’s too honorable for that.
His eyes go wide with surprise. I made him!
I think he recognized my intention and we both grab a Zat from the table, pointing at each other, backing away slowly.
“Surrender. You’ll never be able to leave this place,” I say with coldness I didn’t feel.
“Oh, I don’t think so,” he responds in kind. “You’re the one who’s not leaving.”
Okay, so one moment miserable, the next completely happy, and than again miserable? God, the galaxy has a thing for me, I just know it.
We’re sizing each other up. He knows I’ll shoot. Who ever is in Colonel O’Neill surely has access to his memories.
“Major Carter, I was wondering if…”
The General.
Neither the Colonel or I move.
“What the hell is going on here!? Put those weapons down!”
We still don’t move.
“Sir,” I start, “I don’t think the Colonel is himself.”
“What!?” the mentioned man questions. “Sir,” he starts now, “I don’t think Major Carter is herself!”
I narrow my eyes questionably. “What!?”
“What!?” that’s the General. Aren’t we bunch of smart people.
“Sir, I think the Colonel might be infected with a virus of some sort that’s taken over his body.”
“Well I think the same thing for the Major over there,” he waves his Zat toward me.
“Why?” the General speaks again, and I notice a couple of SF’s coming into my lab, boy, this is going to be embarrassing.
“The Colonel told me he loves me,” I blurt out.
“She said it first!” he yells.
“You didn’t stop me!” I yell back.
“I didn’t…” he starts but gets cut off.
“Hey Sam, I came to see if you’d want to go to O’Malley’s later?” Daniel walks in, and I just know he’s looking at some sort of a book, and not at the situation around him.
But it’s just a distraction I was looking for. The Colonel, or whatever has him possessed, looked away for a second and I fire my Zat.
However, he reacted before the shot got him, and fired one at me.
I hate being zatted.
Surrendering to the darkness I only hear Daniel’s astonished voice. “Holy Buckets!”
tbc.
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]