~When will this end
It goes on and on over and over again,
Keeps spinning around
I know that it won’t stop
Till I step down from this for good~
Sick Cycle Carousel- Lifehouse
Sam was running through the dark corridors, her soft leather shoes masking the sound of her feet on the stone floor. As stealthily as possible, she made it to the kitchens silently. She checked the room for late workers in a swift look, then seeing that it was clear, entered. She quickly found a bottle on the preservation box, then grabbed a warm piece of bread from the oven and made it back to the main corridors. From there, she ran to the roof silently, hoping she could beat him to it this time.
No such luck. The colonel was already there, sitting with a torch on his side, bathing him in a soft glow. Sam stopped and watched him for a few seconds. His gaze was directed upwards, to the stars. It was a warm and clear night, and the stars shone bright. He looked so peaceful just sitting there, his face was serious but there was no concern there either. He looked just...in peace with himself. It was a rare sight and Sam decided to really take it all in, willing herself not to forget and engrave everything in her mind for her to remember forever.
"Isn't stealing against regulations Carter?" He asked without even looking in her direction and she smiled, finally moving towards him.
"Yeah sure you betcha!"
"Sam?"
Sam jumped and snapped out of her memory, her eyes coming to rest on Daniel. She smiled and he moved closer to sit beside her.
"Nice view." He said as he stretched his legs.
Sam nodded and turned her gaze to the beauty before her. The sun was setting and its light illuminated the sky and the snow with pink and purple tints. "We used to come out here." She said and when Daniel didn't comment she went on. "The colonel and I. No matter the weather, the circumstances, we'd come here. It was the only moment of the day where we could actually be alone, and talk if we wanted to." She finished with an involuntary sigh. She felt Daniel's eyes on her for a moment before he looked ahead again.
"Do you miss that? The opportunity to just sit and breathe in…?"
Sam was immensely grateful to Daniel for choosing his words carefully, but still, she wasn't ready to admit anything, not even to her best friend, so she shrugged, leaving Daniel perplex.
"I would…" He admitted. "I do actually. Sometimes I miss working with the alchemists. It was an experience I'm glad I had to go through."
Sam knew what he meant, especially since something good had resulted from his experience. He'd met Amalia, fallen in love, and even learned how to be a real alchemist. But it was an entirely different matter for her. Nothing good had resulted from her stay here, it was all bittersweet memories now. And since there was nothing she could do about it, she decided it was time to change the subject and move on to something that didn't involve her personal feelings too much.
"Did you talk to her about Idan?" She asked, knowing Daniel would understand who she was talking about.
He shook his head. "No, not yet." He seemed to consider it for a moment. "To be honest I'm not sure I wanna know."
Sam glared. "Daniel, you really should clear this up." 'Yeah, look who's talking', she heard a little voice say in her head, but she shook the disturbing thought away. This wasn't about her.
He sighed and brought his knees to his chest. "I trust her. If there's something wrong, she'll tell me." He sounded more confident than Sam knew he was, so she decided to drop it.
"Come on, we should head back down…” She began when a voice coming from behind startled them both.
“Watcha doin’?”
They both turned towards the colonel as he stepped on the roof.
“We were just heading back, sir.” Sam replied.
He nodded slowly then looked at Daniel. “You mind helping Idan with the tent? I’m afraid he hasn’t done a lot of camping.”
Daniel got the message and stood, giving Sam a small smile before leaving. Sam felt her pulse accelerate as the colonel walked towards her and sat close, but far enough for them not to touch. The sun was gone from the horizon, leaving the world in the blue and gray tint of dusk. Sam shivered as a blast of cold wind struck her and she tightened her jacket around herself.
“This is weird.” The colonel said at last, breaking the silence.
Sam nodded, not really knowing what to do. “Yeah, it is.” And it was, because over nine months ago, they would have been sitting in exactly the same position. So much had changed since then, and yet, everything seemed exactly the same. The manor was all burnt now, but it was still standing, and even if there was nothing left inside, there were some things that would never change. Like the view from the roof and the feeling of utter completion it brought.
“Carter, I’d like to apologize to you.”
Sam swallowed, not sure where he was going with this. She glanced at him from the corner of her eye and she saw him placing his hands under his armpits to keep them warm, his face towards the fading sky and his cheeks red with cold.
“I’d like to apologize for making the last couple of months a living hell for you.” He continued. “You made a choice that night and I respect that, but I kept hoping that…What I mean is there was always the thought that maybe you’d regret it and come back…” He swallowed. “You know...to me.”
He threw her a quick glance, but she didn’t know what to say. It was all taking her by surprise, how did he expect her to react to that? She knew how he felt, and she knew how she felt, but there wasn’t a damn thing neither one of them could do about it! “Sir…” She began at last, only to be interrupted with a raised hand.
“Carter, I don’t want you to say anything right now, so just listen.” He took a breath and his eyes traveled back to the sky. “I apologize for not trusting your sense of duty and honor, and I promise I won’t let myself get in the way of that anymore. Because it’s important…to you. So…I just wanted you to know that.”
Sam felt butterflies in her stomach, but she didn’t know if it was from relief or disappointment. On one hand, she wanted him to stop caring about her because it went against everything they fought for, but on the other hand…She wanted him to keep loving her because that’s what helped her go through the hardest times, it was something she could hold on to, something that was more powerful than an entire military organization. And if she admitted it to herself, she needed him. More than anything. And THAT scared the hell out of her.
So basically, she was totally, completely and utterly, screwed up.
“Sir,” she began when she realized she had waited too long before answering. “I’m not asking you to do that. I couldn’t ask something like that from you. As you said, I made a choice that night, but you shouldn’t have to be the one to suffer from it, it wouldn’t be fair.”
He shook his head unbelievably and looked in her eyes. “Christ Carter, what are you saying? You think you running away doesn’t concern me? You think it doesn’t affect me? Well I got news for you Carter, it does!”
Sam was speechless. He was actually asking her to tell him everything! She couldn’t believe it! She glared at him for a few seconds, but then decided it was probably safer not to go any further. They were already in enough trouble without adding forced admissions to it all.
Shaking her head with a sardonic smile she stood, circling her arms around herself, both for warmth and protection. “No,” she replied angrily, “you can’t just order me to tell you how I feel. I think I better go now.” She turned and walked rapidly to the stairs.
“You’re doing it again.” He said and she stopped, closing her eyes to stop the tears from falling. She turned and saw that he was now standing too, his arms awkwardly still along his sides. “You’re running again, Sam.” He added and took a slow step forward.
She sighed and looked away. The slow tears finally streamed down her face, despite her attempt at biting them back. “What do you want me to do, Jack?” She asked desperately, hoping he would understand her inner turmoil. “I’m making a choice here, a choice that you said you respected only a few minutes ago! Is this how long you can keep your promises?” As soon as she'd said the words she regretted them. His face went cold and he straightened his shoulders, obviously hurt and angry.
“I guess I just thought we could straighten this out for once and for all. But apparently I was wrong, so forgive me for hoping something good could come out of this. I guess it’s impossible. You may go Major, you’re dismissed.”
He turned and Sam was livid as she watched his back for a few minutes. How dare he judge her? He had no right! Didn’t he see how hard it was for her to turn him down? And not for the first time?
Furious, she turned again and stepped down the stairs in record time.
Damn it.
*****
Jack was irritated. He was cold, hungry and angry. The sun had risen weak and had done nothing to improve his bad mood. Although they’d spent the night in a tent in the manor, close to a fire, he was chilled to the bones and he didn’t think anything could ever make him warm again. And one thing was for sure, he’d never complain about heat again!
“Damn it it’s cold…” He heard Daniel complain at his side, sharing his thoughts. He rubbed his hands above the fire while Idan cooked something, which Jack suspiciously believed was one of the boars they’d had the chance to meet last time they were here.
Most of his men, including Karrigan, had come back during the night, and they were over forty now, small groups gathering around little fires in what used to be the dinning room. Everything was black with ashes now, but it was defendable, and, most importantly, away from the blowing wind outside.
Jack saw Carter sit silently as far away from him as possible, looking at nothing but the fire in front of her. And if he was honest with himself, she looked like hell. She was pale, dark circles under her eyes as if she hadn’t slept in days, which was true, he realized, but mostly she looked cold. Colder than himself, if possible, and he felt slightly responsible. Maybe he’d been a little harsh on her.
Who was he trying to kid? Of course he’d been too harsh on her! But he hadn’t known how to react at being shut down again! It had hurt, and he had reacted like a heartless bastard. She had every right to blame him.
Idan distributed the food, not bothering to make conversation, for which Jack was grateful. In fact, even Teal’c looked kinda miserable. They ate in silence, to fill their stomach more than to appreciate good gastronomy. It wasn’t half as bad as MRE, but Jack would have done with potatoes and maybe even some gravy. There’d be time for that when they’d be back, and Jack couldn’t wait.
Idan had told him the night before that he was waiting for a message, telling him how everything was going in the city. Apparently the big majority of his men were there, in the city, waiting for the good moment to strike. All they needed was Idan’s ‘you have a go’.
“May I?” A soft voice said and he turned to see Karrigan standing at his side.
“Sure.” He nodded. She sat and he threw a quick look at Carter. She looked away as soon as his eyes met hers, but he knew he’d just caught her watching. Of all the women he’d known in his life, she was the most complicated, stubborn…honorable and trustworthy…of them all. How could he ask her to be any less?
“I see some things have not changed after all.” Karrigan said and his mind snapped back to her.
“What do you mean?”
She smiled, the first real smile since they’d met again. “Well, when you left…I believed you and Major Carter knew what you felt for each other.”
Jack raised an eyebrow. How could she have known? “With all due respect Karrigan, I don’t think this is any of your business.” He replied, poking a stick in the fire. From the corner of his eye he could see Carter still watching him, and he guessed she could hear their conversation.
“I prided myself by the fact that, despite trying to pull you apart from each other,” Karrigan went on in a soft voice, ignoring his comment, “I had in fact brought you together. So that I had done some good after all. And that you had forgiven me for the harm I caused you.” She sounded so vulnerable Jack looked at her.
“It’s a little more complicated than that Karrigan.” Jack replied honestly. “You can’t just fix some people together. It’s not the way it works. They both have to agree this is the right thing to do. If one of them doesn’t agree, then the other respects that. With all his heart.” He finished, glancing at Carter. He met her glare squarely and she nodded almost imperceptibly, giving him the relief he hadn’t really believed she would give him.
Then she stood and walked away.
When he turned to Karrigan again, he realized she had followed his gaze and witnessed their exchange. “What keeps her from acting on her feelings?” She asked, surprising him again with her perceptiveness.
He frowned, a little uncomfortable at discussing his relationship with Carter with Karrigan. “Our military protocol.” He answered at last. Hell, maybe she could be able to help him understand Carter!
“I see…She is most loyal to what she believes in.”
“That she is.” Jack agreed, letting a small smile appear on his mouth. Way too damn loyal for his own good! But if he was honest with himself, it was one other thing he admired in her. “What about you?” Jack changed the subject. “I heard you were married.”
Karrigan’s face made a perfect impression of a stone and Jack immediately regretted saying the words.
“I am.” She replied at last, lifting her chin like Jack had seen her do countless times. “And my father will pay for that.” She added coldly. Where was the vulnerable girl he was speaking to just a few seconds ago?
“Karrigan, I’m sure your father did what he thought was best for you.” He tried to reason her, but she shook her head vehemently.
“No.” She snapped. “He did what was best for himself.”
Knowing there was no point in arguing with her, he poked his wood stick into the fire again. “And what are you gonna do about that?”
“I have a plan. But Idan needs to succeed first.”
So that’s what she wanted. Revenge. That’s why she was helping Idan, and that’s why she had helped Idan to call them. Jack felt ridiculously relieved at the thought that she wasn’t after him anymore. One less thing to worry about.
The sound of horses coming drew Jack’s attention. He stopped poking at the fire, and looked for Idan, who seemed to be as alert as Jack was. He stood and moved to the entrance, gesturing to everybody to hide, just in case this wasn’t the message he’d been waiting for. Jack stood and grabbed Daniel’s vest, not waiting his protests to drag him far into the room, away from the entrance. Teal’c, Amalia and Carter followed his lead as he bent behind a fallen wall, effectively hiding them from anyone who’d come from the main door. He found a little hole in the wall to watch what was happening. It’s only then that he realized Karrigan hadn’t followed him and had disappeared again.
Idan slid along the wall of the door and whistled three times, waiting for the signal to be returned. It seemed an eternity before the signal was returned at last, with just a little variance in the notes. Idan nodded carefully and gestured four of his men to stand ready. The men nodded in reply and moved until they were sliding against the wall too, their swords raised and ready. Jack instinctively placed his P90 in position and waited.
Idan nodded nervously and finally opened the door a few inches. Before he had time to look, an arrow landed straight on the door, a few centimeters away from his face and he jumped away from the door, closing it quickly.
“Everybody to cover!” he shouted and ran across the room, in search for some kind of shield that would protect him against the arrows.
Jack cursed and gestured Amalia to take cover, while SG-1 stood by, their weapons raised, and waited for the inevitable. As it was suspected, the door suddenly swung open, and a gust of wind wiped the room before more arrows were shot.
It took a few seconds - that seemed like hours to Jack - before the first man entered, then two, then three, and then more came in, bows around their shoulder and sword in hands. They were obviously soldiers and they scanned the room carefully. Suddenly some Woodmen sprung out of their improvised shelters and attacked, in the meantime busting Jack’s plan of scaring the soldiers off with the P90s. He shook his head and exchanged a look with Carter, silently checking that she knew what he was about to do. She nodded and Jack smiled ruefully, then turned to Teal’c who also gave a quick bow of the head.
“Let’s do it!” He said before standing and firing.
******
Idan had failed.
He had failed his people, he had failed SG-1, he had failed his sister, and he had ultimately failed himself. Everything had happened so fast, he still did not understand what had transpired. O’Neill, Carter, Teal’c and Jackson had started firing in the air and ground in order to scare the soldiers, but it did not work. In fact, the soldiers seemed to be used to such weapons and SG-1 had been taken by surprise when DuVallois himself, followed by DeLaroche, had entered what used to be his own home. SG-1 had stopped firing, unsure what to do and afraid to seriously hurt somebody. Unfortunately, DuVallois had a fire weapon such as theirs, and he quickly took advantage of the surprise he had caused. By the time O’Neill barked an order, the place was surrounded and there was no way out.
“I am sorry.” Idan said, his face buried in his hands. “I never should have asked for your help.”
O’Neill opened his eyes from where he sat against the cold bars of their prison. “You couldn’t have known.”
“O’Neill is correct Idan,” Teal’c added, “we do not blame you for what is happening.”
Idan sighed, the words having no soothing effect at all. He leaned his head back against the wall. “I should have known.” He said, closing his eyes. “The signal was not right…I should have known.”
He heard O’Neill stand with a fluff of clothes. “For cryin’ out loud Idan will you stop that! It’s not your fault! Now shut up and help us find a way out of here!”
Idan opened his eyes. How could he say that? How could he not blame him for being stuck in a stinking prison? No matter how surprised he was at O’Neill’s reaction, Idan decided he was right. They had to find a way out of there. He stood and paced the room, trying to think of something. Carter, Jackson and Amalia were in another cell, so was there any way at all to access them without getting caught? Or more importantly, was there any way to get out of this cell?
“Woodman!” A cold voice called. Idan turned and looked at DuVallois through the bars.
“DuVallois.” He acknowledged as coldly, lifting his chin and defying the lord’s glare.
“Where is my daughter?” DuVallois asked without flinching.
Idan let a smirk appear on his lips and he shrugged, crossing his arms over his chest. “Do you still have a daughter Léonard?” He asked with false curiosity.
DuVallois’ face went livid and Idan was rather proud of the effect he had caused. He saw O’Neill moving to stand at his side from the corner of his eyes, but he realized O’Neill could not understand their conversation. It was probably better this way.
Idan returned his attention to the lord. “May I ask why we are now your unwilling guests My Lord?”
DuVallois moved closer to the bars separating them. “I know all about what you were about to do.” He crossed his arms on his chest. “And I would not have interfered if my daughter had not decided to play your stupid game.”
“The only person you have to blame is yourself Milord. Karrigan is a woman now, she can decide what to make of her own life.” And she could, she had proven so to Idan countless times, taking his breath away each time with her strength and pragmatism.
DuVallois nodded slowly, considering what Idan had just said. Then his eyes suddenly moved to O’Neill and Teal’c. There was no contempt in his eyes as he looked at them, only disappointment and perhaps a little fear. It was well known that the last time SG-1 had visited this world, Karrigan desperately wanted O’Neill as her husband and DuVallois had felt the obligation to fulfill her wish.
“Why did you involve them?” The lord asked at last, his eyes moving back to Idan’s.
“They are not involved.” Idan lied. “I asked for their help but they declined. They are here against their will. They were about to return to their planet when you attacked the first time. It was not possible after that for them to go without jeopardizing my cover.”
DuVallois nodded, his eyes moving from him to O’Neill and Teal’c.
“Let them go.” Idan suggested then, hoping his sacrifice would erase the guilt he felt at involving SG-1 in his mess. “They will not interfere, you have my word.” DuVallois nodded again, then with a last considering look at each one of them, turned on his heels and left.
“Well, the man hasn’t changed a bit…” He heard O’Neill comment from his side and Idan smiled.
“Indeed.” He replied as he moved to sit against the wall again. “I asked him to let you go.”
“I take it that didn’t go well…” O’Neill replied as he sat against the wall opposite him, and Idan shook his head.
“I’m afraid not.”
Footsteps in the corridor drew Idan’s attention. He stood and a few seconds later Karrigan, smiling, appeared in front of their cell.
With a key.
****
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