Sam was confused.
Yeah, she was confused and frustrated. Very frustrated in fact. And angry. She hated not knowing anything, she hated having to depend on anyone, she hated this. Not that she'd told anybody how frustrated and tired she felt. No, because they wouldn't understand. Daniel, Janet, Teal'c (where the hell was he from?), Jack and even General Hammond had all been very kind and patient with her, but it didn't change the fact that they couldn't understand how it felt to lose your memory.
Because not only you lose your memory, but you lose your identity as well and Sam couldn't bear that. She couldn't bear not knowing who the hell she was. From what Daniel had told her, she was a very nice person, very smart too. But was that all she was? Smart? He had told her she was an astrophysicist, which was impressive granted, but it didn't change the fact that her profession didn't define who she was.
That's what she needed, she decided. She needed a definition of herself, but who would be able to give her that? For some reason, she doubted her friends knew her well enough to help her in that area.
And what about Jack? She'd felt something when she'd first seen him, a connection of some kind. But when she'd asked him if he often drove her car, he's said no. Which didn't mean anything per se, but he'd looked so comfortable there that she'd wondered if they did more than work together. Him driving her car could have been a sign of some sort of a more private relationship, but then, he would have been a little more…at ease around her, wouldn't he? She'd felt him nervous around her, even if he did his best to hide behind sarcastic comments.
The water of her shower was making her skin shrivel, but Sam didn't feel like getting out. Instead she felt tears in her eyes so she closed her eyelids, trying to bite the moisture back. Jack would be here in a couple of minutes and she didn't want to show him her despair. Somehow she felt that she had to prove how strong she was to him.
Is that tough enough for ya? Or are we gonna have to arm wrestle?
Sam's eyes flashed open. Was that a memory or just some kind of trick from her imagination? No, she remembered clearly having said that. But under what circumstances? She searched her memory for more, but couldn't find anything. Getting out of the shower, she dried and dressed herself quickly and rushed to the living room. The first day she'd come back home Daniel had suggested she kept a notebook where she could note all the little things she'd remember in time. Sitting on the couch, she opened it excitedly. This was her first entry in the notebook, but she knew there'd be more. There had to. She wrote the quote and sat further back into the couch, wondering when she could have said that…
A sharp knock on the door startled her, but she got up and opened the door. It was Jack.
"Hey!" He said with a little smile. "I hope you're hungry, I brought pizza." He added as he showed the white box he was carrying.
"Pizza? It's not even 10."
"So?"
With a smile, Sam opened the door wider and let him in. Taking the pizza from him, she walked to the kitchen while he took off his leather jacket.
"So how've you been?" He asked as he followed her to the kitchen. His tone was light but when she looked closely she saw real concern there.
"Ok, I guess," she replied as she took two plates from the cupboard. It was nice to be comfortable in her own house again. At first she wasn't sure where each thing went, but the more she stayed there, the more it became automatic to open the good cupboards. As she began setting the table for two, she realized he was watching her closely.
"What?" He looked away almost guiltily, but he merely shrugged.
"Nothing." Sam shook her head but decided not to add anything so she let a comfortable silence descend upon them.
"So what did you and Daniel do?" He said after a little while as he took the utensils from her and kept on setting the table.
"We talked, mostly."
"Yeah, you two tend to do that a lot." He replied as he picked some juice from the fridge. Sam smiled at that, remembering how talkative Daniel had been two days before. "Fraiser was here yesterday wasn't she?" Sam realized he was trying to make conversation so she decided she'd help him a little. He sat at the table and opened the box so Sam followed him. He cut a piece of pizza and dropped it onto a plate which he handed her while licking the sauce dripping from his fingers.
"Yeah she was. She came in with Cassandra. And Teal'c showed up later." She replied as she watched him bite in the pizza. She couldn't help herself! He had sauce dripping on his chin but it was kind of endearing so she stared, torn between disgust and amusement. He stopped chewing when he realized she was watching him.
"What, you don't like those dressings?" He asked between two bites. Sam frowned. It was another clue telling her that he didn't know her as a…lover would. She shook her head and smiled.
"Actually I don't know, I guess we'll see." She began eating and realized she was hungry after all. They ate the rest of the meal in silence and when they were done, Sam led the way back to the living room, carrying a mug of hot and reassuring coffee. Jack eased himself on the couch, only to half stand again and retrieving her notebook from where he'd just sat. "Sorry." He said as he handed it to her.
Sam took it and sat in the armchair in front of him. Automatically her fingers opened the book and she read her first memory. Glancing up at Jack, she wondered if maybe he knew what was the memory about. Hell it didn't hurt to ask!
"Can I ask you something?" She said as he took a sip of his coffee. He merely raised an eyebrow. "I think I remembered something earlier, so I noted it down in this book."
"That's great!" He sounded genuinely happy for her, and the fact that he didn't ask her what the memory was was a great sign of respect of her privacy, but she wanted to share this with him.
"The thing is I'm not sure where or when I said that, so maybe you would…?" She handed him her notebook and he took it slowly, his eyes never leaving hers. As he picked the book, his warm and long fingers brushed hers and she felt a shot of adrenaline warming her veins. Jack frowned and snapped back his hand sharply. Carefully avoiding her stare, he opened the book and read the first entry. Slowly, a smug grin appeared on his lips.
"This is the first thing you remembered?"
Sam merely nodded, excited about the fact that clearly he knew what it meant. "And I take it you wanna know the juicy details and all, right?" He added with a mischievous smile.
Sam nodded again but she wasn't sure anymore. She must have made a funny face because Jack suddenly laughed softly - a lilting sound - and he closed the book so he could rest his elbows on his thighs. "You know what? Let's go take a walk." He said softly as he stood.
"Ok but you'll tell me right?"
"You bet."
They walked out of the house and ventured in the little park in front of Sam's house.
"So, who did I want to armwrestle with?" She asked as they walked, breathing in the sharp, fresh air.
"Ah…me, actually." Sam stopped, an incredulous smile forming on her lips.
"What the hell for?" She really couldn't imagine herself asking Jack to armwrestle. She realized she was still standing there, gazing at him incredulously until he put a gentle hand on her arm and with a little tug, motioned her to walk again.
"I think you were trying to make a point, really. You said that the first time we met, and I…well…kinda challenged you so you thought you'd do the same."
"That's it?" She still couldn't understand what had taken her. And the way she remembered it, she had said that in a very flirtatious and challenging tone.
"Ok, the truth is," Jack added hurriedly, as if he suddenly felt bad about omitting some crucial parts to the story. "The truth is, I was being a total jerk. So you put me back in my place."
"Oh, ok." They walked in silence for a while and Sam was starting to feel chilly so she tightened her jacket around herself.
"You cold?" His eyes hadn't left the path ahead of him, but Sam could see the same concern as before, and the same attempt at hiding it.
"I'm ok" she lied. The truth was, she was enjoying walking with him way too much to just go home. For the millionth time in the last few days, she wondered what was the connection between them. Clearly there was something, she couldn't deny the way she had butterflies flying around in her stomach every time she saw him, or the way she felt her blood race in her veins when they exchanged a look or when…
"You ok?"
She looked at him and realized he'd been watching her. "Yeah, sorry, was miles away." She replied, trying to hide de fact that she was blushing.
"Yeah, noticed that." He was still observing her carefully, and she had the feeling at that moment that he could read right through her. Hell, maybe he could. "This must be frustrating…" He said at last, opening the subject and she took the opportunity. Even if he couldn't understand, he'd be at least able to listen. And that's what she needed right now, she realized. Not a talkative Daniel, not a concerned Janet. She needed Jack to listen. Somehow she had the feeling she didn't talk often about herself to her friends, so, she decided, it was time to change that.
"Yeah, I think…frustrating is the word." She began as she dropped his gaze and looked around at the beautiful park. "It's just so weird. I mean, I feel a certain recognition and I know I should remember, but I just don't. And it's driving me crazy."
He merely nodded and buried his hands further into his pockets.
"Take you for instance." She decided to get it over with. His head snapped up in her direction and he stopped walking.
"Me?"
Sam nodded and he began walking again, a bit warily, if she could judge from the frown that was clouding his eyes. "I mean clearly we work together right?" A quick nod and a barely audible sigh. "And I guess…we're…friends, right?"
"One could say that…"
"But…" She took a deep breath and decided to take the big step. "But is that it?"
He slowly closed his eyes, as if he'd been dreading the question, and seemed to swallow with difficulty. When he finally looked down at her, Sam realized she'd made a mistake. Had she gone too far? His eyes were so dark and expressing such a sad longing it took her breath away.
Oh God, the thought suddenly froze her, was he married? Three kids, a dog and a pool? After all it was possible, he was a very - very - attractive man and…
"Theoretically," he finally spoke, his voice just above a whisper, as if he couldn't stand saying the words. "That's it."
Sam couldn't believe the pain – the physical pain – his words caused her. She looked away, embarrassed, until she felt his hand on her arm again.
"But if you want the truth…I…ah…God how do I tell you this?" He blurted out, laughing bitterly.
"Jack you don't have to tell me anything if it makes you uncomfortable." Sam said as she placed her hand over his. He took in a shaky breath and turned his hand over her arm so he could intertwine his fingers with hers. But then he shook his head and looked down, still searching for the words.
Finally he glared at her and let go of her hand, taking a step back. Sam watched him back away with a sudden sense of loss and she had the feeling that it wasn't the first time she'd felt this way about him. He was a step away but it felt like a mile to Sam.
"I don't know if you remember this part," he finally said, his voice suddenly coldly controlled, "but there are certain military rules that neither one of us is willing to break. We both know that there's too much at stake, things much more important." He finished, still looking at her his defenses suddenly all up again and his face an imperceptible mask. Obviously this man was a master at keeping a straight face no matter his emotions. And it made Sam angry.
"More important? What the hell can be more important?" She didn't mean to start a fight, but the way he'd just dismissed both of their feelings was bewildering. One second he was all longing and for a moment she had thought she'd seen her own feelings reflected in his eyes, but the next second he was as cold as a stone and dismissing everything she felt with a shrug.
"It's classified." He replied matter-of-factly. Ok, that was it! Sam turned around and began walking again, her blood boiling at her temples. She was vaguely aware that he was following her a few meters behind, but once she crossed the threshold of her house, expecting him to follow, she heard the igniting sound of his truck.
She didn't need to turn around to know that he was gone.
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]