Memories
Chapter 1
The events of the past few weeks ran through Sam's mind as she made her way to the General's office. What could she have done to deserve such a peremptory summons? By nature one who tried to comply with the requests of those around her, she could think of nothing in her recent behaviour that would lead to the `Get down here NOW!' tone with which General Hammond has requested her presence ... apart from the time a few months back when she had, with the Colonel, Daniel and Teal'c left the SGC on an unauthorised trip to see if Daniel's fears of an imminent invasion were true ... and since she and the Colonel had been given medals for that (after stopping Apophis's fleet, of course!) she was under the impression that that particular offence had been forgiven.
The lift seemed to be moving particularly slowly today. Maybe it had been an error of judgement to ask Timothy to help treat Teal'c when he had been bitten by that alien bug, since it was Timothy who had involved the NID ... but then again, Timothy had also been instrumental in devising a cure for Teal'c so, as far as she knew, there was no unfinished business from that incident.
Down three levels. And despite being sorely tempted, she had not told her father what she did for a living, despite what it was doing to their relationship ... and what long term difference would it have made if she had told him, anyway? He was dying ... who would he tell?
Down another two. The General had been annoyed at the time when she had advised first one course of action and then the exact opposite when the alien microbe civilisation had tried to take over the base, but she was under the impression that he recognised that she had always given the best advice she could, as she understood the situation at any given time, and that his basic sense of fair play had prevented him from blaming her for prolonging the crisis in the same way that she had blamed herself, especially given the extra suffering the Colonel had endured during that time ...
No. Stay away from that thought: her mind was taking her to places it shouldn't go ...
Almost there. What else had happened? Teal'c's son being brainwashed by Apophis ... the encounter with the Asgard on Cimmeria ... Shyla's mines ... the Game-Keeper's machines ... letting Linea out of prison while escaping themselves (she'd sure missed all the signs on that one!) ... all incidents from which she had been led to understand there would be no repercussions ...
The lift doors opened as one thought entered her mind like a goa'uld stun grenade. Jolinar. The Tok'ra symbiote who had taken control of her actions and her words for less than a week, yet who had, for a brief space of time, been allowed to move about unimpeded and undetected on Earth. The being who had sacrificed itself to save Sam, yet had imprisoned her mind within her body, despite Sam's screams to be let out. The entity that had changed Sam physically forever, to the point that the naquadah in her blood meant she could never seek medical care outside the SGC: this, along with the developing ability to use goa'uld technology and the strange feelings she noticed when near a Jaffa, including Teal'c, or a goa'uld ...
Whatever the General wanted her for, it had to be another consequence of her blending with Jolinar. And given her people's attitude towards symbiotes, this consequence was unlikely to be ... good ...
Mentally bracing herself, because evading the issue would only delay the inevitable, Sam marched along to the General's office. She did a double take when she realised that the rest of her team, plus Dr Janet Fraiser, were already there, yet a seat had been left empty for her, with the gentlemen being ... well, gentlemanly ... and standing. The expressions on her colleagues' faces was not that encouraging, either, ranging from Teal'c's grim to Jack's ... uh, the Colonel's ... more than slightly annoyed. And why have so many people in such a confined space, unless the topic was such that General Hammond did not want to risk being overheard, as was possible in the more open-plan briefing room?
Squaring her shoulders, Sam tapped on the door firmly and was invited to enter. She took her seat and tried not to notice the similarity in sound between Daniel closing the door behind her now and the door closing behind her `visitors' when she and Jolinar had been held in the high security detention area. She had one tiny piece of control in this situation: waiting for those already in the know to explain what this was all about rather than asking questions. She decided to take it: she could be patient just as long as they could ...
General Hammond moved the papers on his desk into one pile ... except for a single manilla folder, bearing the logo of the SGC as well as the words "Top Secret" blazoned across it. He seemed unsure how to begin, which was fine with Sam: the longer she could spin this out ... well, maybe it would be a bit longer she could pretend everything was normal.
The General opened the folder and, reading upside down, Sam saw the contents were headed `Intelligence on the Tok'ra'. The text beneath was rather skimpy, though it had clearly been expanded through the use of bullet points, rather than summarizing everything in one paragraph. The conclusion, however, was fairly obvious to her: it would read, "We don't know enough". How could she work that out so easily? Well, being the SGC's main source of intelligence on the Tok'ra certainly helped ...
"Captain Carter, would you agree that, in our struggle against the Goa'uld, we need all the resources and allies we can get?" was the General's opening gambit.
"Of course," replied Sam, beginning to get the feeling that she was going to be manipulated into agreeing to something that she rather would not do.
"Yet of our potential allies, the Nox consider us too immature, the Tollan have been too badly burned by their previous attempt to help an emerging civilisation to consider giving us any of their advanced technology and the Asgard can reasonably be expected to be annoyed with us, given recent events on Cimmeria and, for this reason, unlikely to be of any constructive help in the near future."
General Hammond paused, clearly expecting Sam to contribute something here. As the silence became heavy, he felt it best to continue: it was already possible to cut the atmosphere in his office with a knife.
"The Tok'ra ... goa'uld who rebel against their own kind ... could reasonably be expected to help us against the System Lords. Yet, we have no ideal how to get in touch with them." The general paused again, this time to find the correct way to broach a difficult subject: closing the file, he continued, "Captain, do you recall the time when Nem kidnapped Dr Jackson and altered the memories of Colonel O'Neill, Teal'c and yourself so that you believed he had died?"
It was a direct question, so she couldn't avoid answering it, despite the fact she still felt as if she were being manoeuvred into a trap. However, a simple "Yes" was all she was willing to give.
The General appeared uncomfortable. "At that time, you volunteered to be hypnotised and, as a result, the truth was uncovered and Dr Jackson found," he continued. "The NID believes that, just as your true memories were hidden from you at that time, with ... encouragement ... it might be possible for you to access the memories of the symbiote, Jolinar, that seem to have been left within your mind."
Sam winced. The NID. That would explain all the grim faces. She should have known that they would not leave her in peace ...
"Sir, Dr MacKenzie has tried hypnosis as a means of recovering memories ... after we returned from Shyla's planet, after I had remembered that the Tok'ra do not use sarcophogi, when we were in the mines ... but the attempt was unsuccessful," Sam reminded those around her.
"Which is why they want to use ... stronger methods. Including drugs that may, in the long term, prove harmful." Janet Fraiser's contribution to the discussion was delivered in the tone of voice that left her listeners in no doubt of her opinion of the kind of doctors who would resort to such methods.
Briefly, Sam closed her eyes. When she opened them again, there was only one question that seemed relevant. "How much longer can you protect me?" She did not expect the answer to be long.
"That depends ... on the choices you make," said the General, leaving Sam confused. Choices? What choices could she have? Sure, she was a US citizen, she was supposed to have rights ... but if the NID started quoting `national security' ... well, she didn't expect those rights would stand up to close scrutiny. Look what they had tried to do to Teal'c only a few weeks ago.
"Colonel Maybourne and the rest of the NID are still furious about the ... `resolution' to the alien bug affair," explained Colonel O'Neill. "That is why they have decided to go after you."
"I can hold them off for a while, but not for long. What I have told them is that it might be possible for you to undergo a similar procedure here ..."
Sam spun round to face Janet, forgetting for the moment that it was extremely rude to interrupt a general. "And you would go along with this?" she snapped.
"If we do this in the SGC, then I could control the drugs that were used. I could look out for you, make sure that you were not harmed ... but I would only be willing to do this if you volunteered. I am not going to force you into something you don't want to do," the doctor retorted in kind.
Sam digested this information. Turning back to the general, sarcasm evident in her voice, she commented, "So, I can volunteer to be drugged and interrogated here, or refuse to volunteer and be drugged and interrogated by the NID? Some choice!"
"Uh, Sam, it's not quite like that," began Daniel, trying, as was his nature, to keep the peace, when Teal'c intervened.
"There is a third choice." Waiting until he was sure he had Sam's attention, Teal'c continued: "Master Bra'tac would no doubt find an associate from the Tau'ri an asset in recruiting Jaffa to rebel against the System Lords."
"Exile," said Sam, as the implications began to sink in.
"As I live in exile among the Tau'ri," confirmed Teal'c.
Again, Sam closed her eyes: but this time, for the first time since entering the room, she genuinely felt as if she had options. True, none of them were pleasant: imprisonment by the NID, becoming a lab rat for the SGC or never again being able to return home; but at least the choice of how to proceed would be hers.
She became aware that everyone was looking at her. Perhaps she should say something.
"How long until ... uh ..?" she asked, unable to complete the question.
"Seven days," the general responded. "I need an answer by then. Talk to anyone in this room that you need to in order to come to a decision. But, Captain: no-one else must know anything about this, especially if you choose Teal'c's alternative. And that includes your father." He held her eyes long enough to be sure she understood: after all, he knew how persistent Jacob Carter could be. "Dismissed," he added, wishing this whole sorry mess could be whisked away as easily.
Chapter 2
Sam relaxed into Janet's sofa, hands warmed by the hot chocolate in her mug, and for a moment she could pretend this was a normal visit.
A moment that could not last. It was hard to believe that Cassie would come bounding through the door at any moment, when she had carefully timed her visit to co-incide with Cassie's sleep-over at Gemma's. And the topic of conversation she had carefully not brought up must be at the forefront of Janet's mind too.
Janet was fussing around, making sure everything was perfect: picking up the three tops and four CDs Cassie had left lying around, re-arranging the plate of biscuits repeatedly, continually shifting the position of the coasters for the mugs: anything to avoid sitting down, it seemed. One part of Sam wanted to see how long this would continue: another part realised that she was already so nervous that, if she did not bring up the issue that had kept her up all night soon, she would leave without ever broaching the topic.
It was time for the direct approach. "So, how is what you are planning to do to me any different to what the NID intends?" asked Sam, realising after the words were out of her mouth that perhaps her question could have been better phrased.
A pair of jeans in one hand and a red, sequined cushion in another, Janet straightened, paused, then, without looking, sat. Fortunately, she was close enough to the sofa not to land on the floor: the jeans descended to that level as she fiddled with the cushion, her face a picture of concentration as she tried to find the right words to explain herself.
"First of all, I want you to understand that I would be more than happy to allow you to remember in your own time." At Sam's nod, Janet continued. "However, given the pressures coming from ... other sources ... we may not have that luxury.
"I have seen the list of drugs the NID think it is appropriate to use on you and, quite frankly, I was so horrified that when I gave General Hammond a piece of my mind, my comments were not exactly ladylike! I think I might even have extended his vocabulary ...
"I was no happier when the General put forward his solution, that we help you remember at the SGC, using techniques not dissimilar to those of the NID. I told him that nothing like that was ever going to take place at the base while I was a doctor there!
"It took a while, but eventually he talked me round. He pointed out that, if you were my patient, I would be able to control the type of drugs you were given, as well as the level of the dosage. I could make sure that you came to no harm.
"I still don't like it: don't get me wrong. But I also don't like the high number of casualties that come back through the gate when our teams encounter the goa'uld and their jaffa.
"There are so many of them, Sam: some like you and your team, who always seem to make a full recovery; those who have to survive with a permanent disability and others, who no longer live.
"We need some way to redress the balance. If the Tok'ra can help us, then we need to find them. And the Sam I used to know would be the first to agree."
"Used to know?" asked Sam, a cold knot forming in her stomach.
"The Sam who volunteered to be hypnotised to help find out what happened to Daniel, even though neither the Colonel nor Teal'c could face the thought. The Sam who led the resistance to Hathor. The Sam who risked court martial to travel with her team to find out if Earth was in danger," began Janet.
"The Sam who had not become a host for Jolinar," said Sam quietly, cutting Janet off before she could really get going. "The Sam who had never threatened your daughter."
It was Janet's turn to reflect. "Since you bring it up ... yes. My feelings towards Jolinar will always be affected by the way she treated Cassandra. But I also try to remember that it wasn't you: that it was Cassandra's intervention that brought you out of that deep depression you had sunk into after Jolinar died. I won't pretend that it was easy, at first: Jolinar wore your face at that time and part of me will probably always wonder how much of it was the symbiote and how much the host. However, I have also watched how you and Cassandra have been since then. How you interact when you play chess; when you help her with her math and science homework; when you advise her on fashion, on music and boys. Do you honestly think I would leave the two of you alone together if, deep down, I didn't trust you?
"And I am asking you to trust me now, in the same way. I know it won't be easy: you have been changed and it must be hard to believe that even those of us who are your friends look at you in the same way.
"Maybe we will find something useful; maybe we won't. Certainly, we would not resort to the same levels as the NID in order to obtain information. But as a doctor, I swore an oath to do no harm. You can trust me to hold to that oath with every patient. You are no different in that respect."
Sam gave herself time to ponder Janet's words by drinking deeply from her chocolate ... before it could get cold, she told herself. Finally, she asked, "What if the NID are not satisfied with the information that is obtained?"
"It's not up to them," said Janet firmly. "The NID, like the SGC, answers to the political authorities: the President and Congress. If the use of medication used safely helps you remember, everyone benefits; if not, then we will be able to show that we have at least tried and, after all, what more can they ask?"
"More than I would be willing to give," said Sam, softly. Seeing Janet's concerned expression, she continued: "Do you honestly think the NID has given up hope of `studying' Teal'c? Do you really believe this is the first attempt they have made to `study' me? So far, General Hammond has been able to protect me ... but if a precedent is set at the SGC, of all places, of using drugs on me for interrogation, how long will he be able to keep me safe? Honestly?"
"Oh, no, Sam ... What we would do would be nothing like that." Janet leaned forward, the cushion she had been clutching since the conversation began now also discarded. "It wouldn't be an interrogation ... it would be more like hypnosis. We would put you into a `dream state'; you would have access to the memories as if you were experiencing them and, when you woke up, you would be able to share with us what you believed would be worth sharing."
"And you would trust me to do that?" Sam was surprised at how startled she was at this concept.
"Oh, yes! Everything you have done since Jolinar died shows that you have Earth's best interests at heart."
Sam put her mug down, her expression suddenly cold. "Do you realise what you just said?"
"Pardon?"
"You said I was an alien on my own planet."
"I did not ..."
"You said that I, quote, have Earth's best interests at heart, unquote. This planet is my home ... why wouldn't I put it first? Unless you believe, at heart, that I am still Tok'ra, despite Jolinar's death. And if you believe that, it would certainly explain everything you want to do to me."
"And if you were Tok'ra, do you honestly think that would make a difference?" Janet was suddenly angry. "My oath as a physician requires me to do no harm. To anyone! Tok'ra, Jaffa, human, Tollan, Nox, Asgard, it makes no difference. All patients are the same!"
"Including Goa'uld?" countered Sam. "It may have been before your time, but surely you were told about the attempt to remove the immature goa'uld from Kawalski. Which didn't work, by the way."
"Aside from the fact that it represented Kawalski's wishes ... well, I'm just glad I have never been faced with that choice! But no-one ever thought you were goa'uld ..."
"Even though Jolinar behaved more like a Goa'uld than a Tok'ra?"
"But how do we know how a Tok'ra behaves?" countered Janet.
"Not like that ... not taking a host without their consent, not exerting constant control, not threatening children!"
"How do you know?"
"I just ... know ..."
"Because of what Jolinar has left in your mind." At Sam's nod, Janet continued: "Then don't you think that the rest of us deserve access to that knowledge as well, so that we can defend ourselves better, so that we can make new friends?" Sam looked up and Janet added, more gently: "I can't promise categorically that you will come to no harm. I can promise that I would take better care of you than the NID would."
Sam was saved from having to answer when Cassie bounded through the door, explaining that the sleep-over hadn't been cancelled, she had simply gotten the wrong day. As Janet asked how this was possible, Cassie, having dropped her bag exactly where anyone coming into the house was bound to trip over it, had spotted Sam and was already retrieving the chess set from its usual resting place. Several hours later, Sam left, the issues troubling her still unresolved. She was grateful, though, for one more evening of normality, before her life might change forever.
Chapter 3
Sam had been mildly surprised that General Hammond had allowed her through the gate on this reconnaissance mission, although she considered, on reflection, that forbidding her might well have drawn attention that he would rather not have focused on SG1. Perhaps it also meant that he trusted her to return; perhaps it meant he was giving her a chance to quietly slip away to Bra'tac, should she so choose.
After an hour of walking, Sam was somehow not surprised to find herself paired with Teal'c. The Colonel was leading the way, with Daniel trailing behind him, allegedly concentrating on where he was going but also surreptitiously studying the artefact he had picked up twenty minutes earlier, an item he was convinced was man made ... well, manufactured, if not made by man; though Jack ... uh, the Colonel ... insisted on calling it a `rock'.
When Teal'c asked "Have you chosen?" she knew what was on his mind. The same choice that she had been unable to make for the past five days.
"Tell me about Bra'tac," Sam countered. "Tell me what is special about him: why you believe he would welcome me, should I choose to turn my back on my home world."
"He is both my teacher and a second father," replied Teal'c. "He took a boy and his mother, refugees from the wrath of another system lord, took them into his home and fashioned the child into a warrior who would one day become First Prime of Apophis: one of many apprentices that he has taken on from time to time.
"Yet he not only taught his pupils to survive in a harsh world; he planted in their minds the seeds of doubt in the divinity of the goa'uld, paved the way for the Jaffa rebellion that even now is beginning to take hold.
"Make no mistake: the day when all Jaffa will be free is still a long way off. But Bra'tac works tirelessly towards that goal and any assistance that he can receive would be valued."
"Even that of a woman?" responded Sam. At Teal'c's silence, she continued, "I have seen how Jaffa women are treated: and it generally isn't with a great deal of respect. Would having a Tau'ri woman as an ally be an advantage or a disadvantage to Bra'tac?"
"Bra'tac himself has reached an age few Jaffa can achieve; many older warriors lose their lives in the wars the Goa'uld ask them to fight, simply because they are no longer as strong and agile as their younger counterparts. Not many Jaffa can reach the point, as Bra'tac has, where they ask themselves if they are carrying the final prim'ta their body can sustain. Yet, as you saw with your own eyes, Bra'tac is still a formidable opponent. I myself have never bested him in single combat, and there are very few who can say with honesty that I cannot defeat them.
"To the Goa'uld, strength in battle is more important than wisdom; with few exceptions, what they require most is what your people refer to as `canon fodder'. Jaffa society reflects the opinion of the goa'uld, whether for good or for ill. Yet Bra'tac, who in appearance does not fulfil the criteria of one who either goa'uld or jaffa would respect, has a place of honour few can reach, for his experience of life as much as for his skill in battle.
"You are correct in your assumption that, with another leader, a woman would be considered of little value. To Bra'tac, everyone matters and has a role to play. You may have no doubt that your talents would be used to enhance my people's struggle for freedom against the goa'uld."
Sam and Teal'c walked in comfortable silence for a while. Sam almost allowed herself to become distracted by Daniel's attempts to persuade Jack ... uh, the Colonel ... to search for more artefacts, rather than attempt to locate `friendlies', before she realised that here was a golden opportunity to explore some of the issues she had been unable to resolve by herself.
"What is it like, living in exile from your own people?"
"It can be hard," Teal'c commented. "Among the Tau'ri, the customs are different to those of the Jaffa. Many things that I have taken for granted have changed. No doubt, it would be the same for you, should you choose to live among the Jaffa.
"And as you know, there are Drey'auc and R'yac. It is not easy for me to be away from my family, to know I cannot protect them. I must trust the people of the Land of Light to do this for me and it has never been easy for me to trust anyone with the safety of my kin. I have always believed that it is a warrior's duty to protect his own family. Yet if I am to build a safer future for my son and wife, I must live among strangers for a while, so that their tomorrow may be brighter than my today."
"Is that how we are to you? Strangers, whose company you must endure?"
"You are much more than that, Captain Carter. You, Colonel O'Neill and Daniel Jackson, you are all warriors that I would trust my life to. The three of you have proved time and again your commitment to the cause that I fight for, the defeat of the goa'uld and the right of my people to live free, to serve no false gods.
"Many others within the SGC hold to the same standard. There are others on your world, however, who are not to be trusted; those like the NID, who put their own needs above the good of the galaxy. Now that you have been changed, you need protection from them, as much as I do.
"I am not permitted to leave the base unaccompanied: while that restriction can be ... annoying ... it can also protect me from my enemies: it helps prevent them from reaching me. You, however, are more vulnerable. It may be that a time of exile may be your only option."
"A time? Then you do see a day when I could return?"
"Just as I see a time when all Jaffa could live free."
"Yet, as you say, I have been changed. I have to be careful to avoid blood tests, of all things! I have been given ... memories ... whether I want them or not, that other people want to access. How can I belong anywhere again?"
"The question, Captain Carter, is not whether you come up to others' standards: the challenge is, do they come up to yours?
"I have opened the door to your joining Bra'tac in his quest for Jaffa freedom because I believe it is the best I can do to protect you from the `slimeballs', as Colonel O'Neill would say, at the NID. However, as you have pointed out, the concept of a warrior protecting his kinswomen comes more from my society than it does from yours. Should you choose to allow the SGC to explore the memories you hold in your mind, I will support you in that choice; however, the choice should be freely made, not a path taken because you believe you have no alternative.
"Sharing your knowledge would greatly aid the fight against the goa'uld. Yet if we were to take it without your consent, we would be no better than the ones that steal body and soul from those they inhabit."
Indicating the conversation was over, Teal'c strode ahead, commenting to Daniel as he passed him that his prized `artifact' was a typical Jaffa toy ... leading both Jack ... uh, the Colonel ... and Sam to smile as Daniel immediately badgered Teal'c for more information.
Chapter 4
It was really Daniel's watch, but Sam could not sleep and she saw no point in pretending that she could. After all Daniel, being Daniel, would know. He had always been sensitive to people's moods: probably, this is what made him such a skilled diplomat, as well as a linguist.
They had made camp in deserted ruins. There were no more Jaffa toys; the one Daniel had found had to be at least 400 years old, Daniel had estimated, and it was possible the inhabitants of the planet had been `relocated' once the planet's value to its current owner had been exhausted.
"What are you thinking about?" asked Sam, hoping that Daniel's thoughts would lead her away from her own dilemma.
"Sha're," was the simple response.
Ouch: that wasn't going to work. "Jolinar said he knew where Sha're was. He told you that while trying to negotiate for his freedom."
Daniel looked at her intently. "You remember. I didn't realise."
"I remember everything," said Sam, suddenly finding the camp fire very interesting.
"How come?"
If it had been someone else asking, Sam would have become hostile; yet Daniel's inquiry was bound to be genuine, such was his nature. She tried to put aside her distrust and answer in the same spirit.
"It was as if I were behind a curtain: I could see what he saw, hear what he heard, hear what he said, feel what he was doing: yet try as I might, no-one could hear, see or feel me ... the Sam inside, that is, not the Sam outside, if that makes any sense."
"I guess." Daniel thought about it. "I suppose that's how Sha're feels, too."
Sam became aware of the longing in his voice and something that had been eluding her all day finally clicked into place. "You want me to try to access the memories."
"Why would I want that?" Daniel was startled.
"Because I cannot consciously remember where Sha're is, even though Jolinar was thinking about it as he offered you the hope ... and because you need to find her, more than anything else in the world."
"But what good would that do? We know now where Sha're was at that time; on Abydos, with Khasuf. And we also know that she is no longer there. So how would putting you through all that help me find where she has gone?" The raw pain in Daniel's voice echoed the depth of his loss.
"Are you sure? Can you be certain ... absolutely, one hundred per cent certain ... that Jolinar doesn't ... I mean, didn't ... know where Apophis has taken her?"
"No, I can't be certain; but unless you are genuinely willing to let us search your memories, I wouldn't want to do what it takes to find out."
"Why? When Sha're is so important to you ..."
"Because, unlike the NID, I don't want to lower myself to the standards of the goa'uld." As Daniel sought the right words, his face reflected his level of concentration. "Do you remember my telling you that Sha're had access to Ammaunet's knowledge? That Teal'c and I tried to persuade her to return to the SGC with us and share what she knew?"
"That is where you were going when Heru'ur arrived."
"Did I also mention that Khasuf tried to order Sha're to come with us? That he tried to make the choice for her? She would have done it too, on his say so: her society had taught her to obey her father's wishes, not to decide for herself.
"I told Khasuf and Sha're that it had to be her choice. As much as I wanted her to come with me, so that I would at least know where she was, even if I could not yet help her free herself of Ammaunet, I respected her enough to allow her to choose her own destiny. Even though the alternative would be returning to Apophis's side.
"I told my wife she had the right to choose for herself whether or not to share her memories of the goa'uld with us: in just the same way, I am telling you that no-one should force you into sharing your memories of the Tok'ra. You are an individual and have the right to select your own destiny.
"So when I was thinking just now of Sha're, it was of more than the good times we shared, how much I miss her and how I long to see her free of the goa'uld that has imprisoned her. It was of the similarity between the choices you both face ... and how, if the NID was given the opportunity, it would treat you, a former host, in exactly the same way it would treat one who was still carries a symbiote.
"Make the right choice, Sam. Sharing your knowledge would be a major advantage in our struggle with the goa'uld and yes, it might even lead me to find Sha're again. But we don't have the right to take from you what you are not willing to give. Make the right choice for you."
Sam sighed. "You know, Sha're and I may have more in common than you think." At Daniel's questioning gaze, she continued, "Fathers! While you were being reunited with Sha're, my dad was telling me that he had made arrangements for me to join NASA and the astronaut programme ... all without asking me first! When I told him that I was happy where I was, he acted as if I had personally betrayed him. Then he told me that he had cancer, that he is dying ... how would he cope if I were to disappear without a trace?"
"Which is just as likely to happen if the NID get their hands on you as it is if you choose to join Bra'tac. Oh, Sam, this sounds like just another pressure on you to share your knowledge with the SGC, so that you are not taken from your father in the same way that Sha're has been taken from Khasuf. Just ask yourself: if he knew what was going on in your life, really knew, what would he advise?"
"I don't know," Sam had to admit, as they both fell into a companionable silence.
"Any closer to a decision?" Daniel asked eventually.
"No ... and I only have another day and a half to choose," Sam replied.
"Then get some rest, before it's your turn to keep watch: and remember, whatever you decide, we will all support you," Daniel added.
Seeing the wisdom of his words, Sam settled down to rest ... and dreamed of her days with Jolinar.
Chapter 5
They had stopped on their way back, near to where Daniel had found his artefact ... uh, toy ... so that Teal'c could guide Daniel to more possible archeological treasures. It seemed, from the delighted cries emanating from Daniel, that Teal'c had a good idea where Jaffa toys ... and other artefacts ... might well be discarded.
That left Sam alone with Jack ... uh, the Colonel ... something she had been avoiding since the expedition began, simply because she had no idea what she was going to say.
After a while, the Colonel broke the silence. "So, assuming you don't plan to become a guinea pig for the NID, have you decided which of the other two options you dislike least?"
Sam glanced at her CO, at one level surprised that he had come to the heart of her dilemma so easily and, at another, realising that understanding people was, after all, a command skill.
"Drugged up or exile ... difficult choice."
"Normally, I would not go for the drugged up option. No way. No hypnotism ... as you will recall ... and no falling so completely under the control of others.
"Yet these are not normal circumstances. We need friends against the Goa'uld, before we make any more enemies. Friends and allies would be good. And this is Janet we are talking about: not some creepy bloodsucker from the NID. In this case, drugged up may not be such a bad choice."
Sam fiddled with a twig that suddenly became very interesting. "But then, I would have to remember ..."
"Remember what?" he prompted.
"Remember how Jolinar treated Cassie, remember threatening to blow up the gateroom ... remember how you abandoned me ... sir."
"I did not abandon you! I did everything I could ..." Jack was angry.
"You left when I called out to you! You didn't even look back!" she retorted, forgetting (again) that interrupting a superior officer is not exactly good manners.
There was a shocked silence: Sam began to worry that she had gone to far when a voice much smaller than she was accustomed to asked, "That was you?" Unable to speak, Sam nodded. "I didn't realise ..." That same small voice again, a back turned as the Colonel struggled to hide the pain in his face.
"I thought it was the Goa'uld ... Tok'ra ... symbiote ... whatever," Jack admitted. "Teal'c had warned me not to see the host. I thought ... it ... was trying to manipulate me. How did you manage to ..?"
"I didn't do anything," Sam admitted. "Jolinar let me. He thought you would respond to me ... didn't realise you would walk away without a second glance."
"Respond to you ... how? Why?"
"Memories."
"What memories?"
"It's not important."
"Yes, it is ... if it was a strong enough memory for a goa'uld ... Tok'ra ... whatever to believe that I would respond to a personal plea from you, then I need to know what it is." As the silence grew uncomfortable, Jack prompted: "Well?"
"It wasn't really me."
"Come on ... or I'll leave it to Hammond to get the story out of you when we get back."
That she could not allow. "Remember when we were in the Antarctic ... when we thought we were going to die?"
"Remembering," said Jack, wishing he could forget but willing to go on the journey for Sam.
"At the end ... after I came back down ... well, you had hypothermia. You thought I was Sara."
Interesting concept ... and something he had forgotten entirely. "I didn't ... uh, do anything, inappropriate?"
"You were freezing to death, Sir. It would have been difficult."
"OK." This time, Jack needed a pause. Then: "I thought you were Sara? What happened?"
"We talked."
"Talked?"
"Yes."
"That's all?"
"Yes."
"What was this conversation about?"
"Nothing really."
"Carter ..."
Sam admitted defeat. "You allowed me to reassure you that it was alright to go to sleep."
Jack mulled it over in his mind. It seemed innocuous enough ... seemed that he hadn't betrayed ... no, don't go there! "And this was enough to make Jolinar believe I would respond to you again?"
"Part of it," said Sam, ruing her own honesty: she was not allowed to have feelings for this man!
"Ah." Jack sensed it would be best not to pursue the issue: some things were better left unsaid. "Sam ... I mean Carter ... any intel we could get on the Tok'ra would be helpful. I don't want you to do anything you don't want to, but I want you to know this: anything painful you remember ... well, I will always be there for you. I mean, we will. The team, that is. You are not alone."
Daniel and Teal'c were returning: the conversation was over. Now, all they had to do was return home ... and Sam knew that, with Jack's, and the team's, support, she could face any consequences of the decision she had just been able to make.
Chapter 6
Weeks had passed. Sam felt weird, turning up at the general's house: true, she had been invited; true, he was her father's old friend (even if she hadn't realised that until recently); true, the topic under discussion would be the best way to look after her father's assets while he traveled with the Tok'ra.
Still, it did seem weird being social with the commanding officer of the base you were stationed at.
The business passed quickly, mostly because Sam said `Yes' to anything the general suggested; that is, until General Hammond noted the pattern and began to ask her opinion before making his own proposals. Still, it did not take long for the two of them to sort out Jacob Carter's affairs and to ensure that, should he ever decide to return to Earth permanently, financial provision would have been made for him.
When Sam made to leave, General Hammond became George Hammond and invited his friend's daughter to stay for coffee. Said daughter, unable to distinguish between her father's friend and her commanding officer, felt obliged to remain. Maybe this was an advantage; maybe not. It would certainly give George the chance to give her some good news.
"I thought you might like to know that the NID are no longer seeking to use their own medication and doctors to access your memories of the Tok'ra," he told her.
"That's good." Sam hadn't realised how much of a burden had been hanging over her until it was lifted. "What changed their minds?"
"The fact that Earth has an official liaison with the Tok'ra ... who may not be best pleased if a fellow Tok'ra host, or former host, for that matter, were to be mistreated."
"So ... Dad's still looking out for me."
"It's what we fathers do." George stirred his coffee: he wanted to make sure his next words came out right. "I just wanted to say how much I admired your willingness to allow us access to your memories. It has made a real difference to our struggle against the goa'uld, to finally have an ally; and it can't have been easy, living through that time again."
"It wasn't," was all Sam felt comfortable saying.
"What changed your mind? Because don't say that it was the greater good of the planet: both of us are only too aware that the NID might not have given up their claim to you, after all."
"Because I knew he ... uh, my team ... would always stand by me. No matter how bad the memories got."
And perhaps, George thought, it would be best to leave it at that. Sometimes, exploring the past could open wounds best left healed.
End.
Story Notes: Content Warning: Human rights issues
Archive: SJD yes
Spoilers: Everything up to The Tok'ra Part 2; references to Fair Game
Category: Missing scene/prequel
Email: pam_rowden@yahoo.com
Copyright: (c) 2005 Pam Rowden
Archive: SJD yes
Spoilers: Everything up to The Tok'ra Part 2; references to Fair Game
Category: Missing scene/prequel
Email: pam_rowden@yahoo.com
Copyright: (c) 2005 Pam Rowden
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]